Saturday, December 25, 2010

Best of 2010, part II

Dr Hunter S Twilight here. Last night "Buzzsaw" got all sentimental about all this "sweet" stuff. It showed him to be a precious turd. In reality he is as bad if not worse than the two things I hate the most. I am writing this in hopes of ruining his pathetic career and forcing him to become a hippie.

The nice thing is that both things are actually people. At least I think they might be. They are also both from the UK. So even for a dunce like me, it is easy to remember. For the sake of my simple mind I will go alphabetically. Starting with B.

B stands for Bono. The first thing I hate about this "man" is his name. It is spelled B O N O. It should and will be pronounced BOH-NO not BAWNO. Was Cher's former husband Sonny Bawno? Absolutely not. If he wanted it to be pronounced that way he should have spelled it Bonno. It is very simple. Respect my ability to read and pronounce the English language and I will respect you BOWNO. I don't mind the fact that his music is bland and boring like plain oatmeal. It is probably good for you too. The fact is that I can barely remember any of it and it all sounds the same.

BOWNO's lameness is not diminished by the fact that his guitar player, David Howell Evans, insists on being called "The Edge" and wearing that damn beanie. It sounds like a bad wrestling moniker Dave. The beanie makes you look like a mime too poor to get a striped shirt. This longtime association is an indication that they are both terrible people. I have not even started on BOWNO's glasses.

I don't know how long The Bone has been wearing yellow safety glasses, but I would pay good money to see him without them. Essentially they are a middle finger to the world which he displays on his face. Nobody in their right mind would think they look good. Does he want to make fun of the working man who actually has to wear safety glasses and who spends good money to buy his music? He is just the insincere type of fiend who would love to thumb his nose at his audience.

Lastly, bOWNO is obnoxious because of his "spirituality." He has been adopted by many for his "faith" but I have never heard him say anything. He is the grayest of the gray areas. neither black nor white, sitting on the fence line collecting money from both sides of the fence. As far as I know all he has ever done is play music. Much of the time making massive amounts of money doing it. To some this may be equivalent of a Masters in Divinity, but not to this cat. Bowno, please shut the hell up!

The next "artist" I hate is Sting. I will briefly outline why, then pull BOWNO back into the mix and lacerate them both. Gordon Sumner aka Sting is an irritating putz who probably spends half his day in front of the mirror and the other half creating pretentious press releases. He is rich beyond belief, yet wants to be known as an everyman. Like Bowno he is "spiritual" only to a level which will not offend, mainly probably so he can impress women.

If his music were less annoying maybe I would hate him less. It is, and I don't If I wanted to here someone repeatedly wail the name Roxanne, then I would be the moron. I don't and am not. The real proof of the pudding lies in the fact that he loves to brag about practicing tantric sex, and even claims to have 14 hour sex sessions! This is a lie because no one does that, and if they could would be bored as hell way before 14 hours. It never happened Sting you lie! I could maybe stomach both of these buffoons, if not for their "charitable works."

Neither Bowno or Sting will stop trying to get their fans (who by the way are paying for their lavish lifestyle) to part with more money. Sting has an estimated fortune of $160 MILLION! He has multiple estates. And he wants me to send money to other people. This is neat. The fact is that I know people with more talent than Sting who dedicate their lives to charitable works. shut your mouth Sting. Stop talking. Bono has an estimated net worth of between $100-400 MILLION. And he wants me to give money to his pet charity. Both of these buffoons could still be rich beyond belief and probably save an entire African nation. I think they are the worst of people, let's vote them off our planet!

Thank you for reading this, hope your Christmas was as boring as mine. Dr HS Twilight, PHD

It's been a weird year (2010 top 10)

Hello friends, I apologize for my lack of work on this here BS report, but I have been rather busy these last couple of weeks. I have been so busy that I can't even think of anything funny. At least nothing worth writing about. So I am putting this together to highlight a great strange year. It will be two parts, a top ten list of 2010:

10. Finishing my album "Devil in The Tim Shop" has got to be on this list. I started this project in May when I recorded guitar, vocals and harmonica for ten songs in my kitchen with my friend Caleb Baker of Troubador Studios, Portland Oregon. We then recorded background vocals, bass and violin at another house in north Seattle. This was done while I was doing a welding job, setting up to go to Forks, moving out of my house, and playing a gospel concert at Seattle Folklife Festival. We did two hours of electric guitar stuff in early October in Portland. I then got the call that there was time this past week to record. So I went down and recorded three new songs and overdubbed a bit more. The rest of the time was spent mixing and editing. Here is the link:

9. Taking a trip to the southlands to go on a major Twilight destination vacation/work trip. I have always wanted to visit the south so when I was given the opportunity to take a trip down with a tough Aussie twi-mum and my buddy Lando, I took it. We got to meet friends old and new. We saw the studio where they are filming Twilight: Breaking Dawn. We found another film location and I had someone walk off his job at risk of being fired because he thought I was Robert Pattinson. I also got Twidentified by a guy with one leg and a pot leaf hat in Austin TX. I flew from Austin to Seattle and landed in the middle of a snow storm.

8. Inventing the word "twidentified". It has really saved me a LOT of time. Especially since I am writing a book about all the experiences which come with being very much twidentified. While we were in Portland I was twidentified by a stoned hippy. She was a total Twilight fan, even going to Forks. Another funny thing is that my friend and engineer/co-producer Caleb calls it "Itwinified" he has also been known to say "twitified." For the past few days I have been using "itwinified."

7. Making enough money, by hook or by crook to survive without "working for the man." As someone who knows he is terrible at running a business, the very idea of cashing out all my investments to move to Forks was a little daunting. The fact that my family thought I was crazy (literally, details in the book) and my friends though Twilight was ridiculous didn't help. At the same time I believed I had a story to tell and somehow I survived. I want to thank everyone who bought a picture, put money in the tip jar, or simply gave me some food. It is because of your generosity that I can write to you now.

6. The only thing better than being crazy enough to quit your job, invest in a photo booth, drive to an LA movie premier, then move to the middle of nowhere to set up shop, is finding someone crazy/stupid enough to join you! My little buddy Lando, that fat little blob, was just the guy. If not for him, I would probably have either gone crazy, been killed, or been wildly successful. All the time I was in the spotlight, he was watching and listening. He helped me get my computer stuff going, and pretty much maintained sanity. He is a very talented guy, so check out his work:

Have a great Christmas, Buzzsaw

Saturday, December 11, 2010

ipadio: what would you do?

No clowning around!

Dear friends, I am writing an appeal today in an attempt to unite you in a cause which I hope you will deem important enough to champion. Everyday we all face perils of many types, both sinister and deadly. Some will threaten your health, some your mental stability. The issue I am going to tackle today may well affect both! In an attempt to bring up not only dangerous threats to your well being, I am going to also offer solutions which I hope you will see fit to support.
The deadly peril I am speaking about is clowns! Yes, the “harmless” clown. The one that scared your son Billy so bad at his 11th birthday that he lost control of his urinary tract. The clown that showed up drunk to your company party. The painted freak who beckons you to come and sup with him at McDonalds. Any one of these would be considered a menace if they were not accepted by society as “entertaining and “fun.” But what do we gain by teaching our kids that it is ok to twist up animals like balloons? Why is it written off as a “gag” to squirt your friend with seltzer? In my humble opinion, these are mean spiteful things and vastly different from the brotherly love we should be teaching.
For many years I have studied the subject of clowns and I have not balked in asking people the tough questions. “What do you think of clowns?” This is most often followed by an uncomfortable silence. Then the levee breaks. “They terrify me” one young girl responded. “I have been subject to post traumatic stress syndrome. Uncontrollable fits of depression and weeping” a muscled mechanic said, as a tear welled up in his deep hazel eyes. I handed him a handkerchief, and nodded sympathetically.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. In my studies on the subject I found that there are four distinct groups when it comes to opinions on clowns. The first and possibly the largest group is which hates/fears clowns. Fortunately I found this group quite eager to discuss the subject. There were days when my work more resembled group therapy than journalism. Thankfully I am a man who is not afraid to encourage those who are hurting, so these sessions were often quite fruitful.
Clowns have been scaring children for generations. In Brazil they roam the Carnival with hard rubber balls. Never hesitating to kick them at slow children, chasing them down alleys with garish faces. In this country they are ever present. With “goofy” voices “playing games” carnivals and company picnics. Of the 16,000 plus people I interviewed over 10,000 said they fit in this category.
“I hate them” said April Drury of San Diego CA. “Ever since I was a young girl I remember being terrified by a decorative plate at my grandmother’s house. She kept it in the room I stayed in. At night the lights from the street would illumine the face, so all I could see was it’s wicked grin. The worst part was that it played ‘Here come The Clowns.”  I think it was broken because it would suddenly go off when I was sleeping. Of course I never slept much when I stayed there.”
Mike Compton of Redmond WA had a different take. “I don’t know why, but I just hate them. They are worse than mimes because they talk. At least a mime just has a little horn. Clowns talk and have horns. The hair disgusts me. And I despise the implications of the giant shoes. It’s like they are trying to convince you to go and have creepy clown sex by insinuating that they have massive genitalia.”
The more I spoke with these people, the more I felt myself agreeing. I couldn’t help it. Crying widows. Shuddering linebackers. Kids, distraught over a ruined birthday party. These are things which tug at the heart strings, no matter how cynical you are. But there are others, and I must let them speak.
The second largest group I found on my quest was the totally indifferent. These are the people who are not scared of or hateful towards clowns, but instead don’t care about them at all. “If I never saw a clown again I wouldn’t miss it.” Bragged Donald Sutherland, actor. “A good clown is like a Sasquatch, nice to talk about around a campfire, but impossible to find. The rest can go to hell as far as I’m concerned.” Others I questioned were of similar opinions.
“What purpose do they serve?” asked Laura Diles, of mid-west Georgia “It seems like all they do is waste whipped cream, drive tiny impractical cars in unsafe ways, and take up time when I could be doing other things. They are fine, but I really can’t tell you of an experience I have had with a clown which makes me want to see more clowns.” By this time, I could not have agreed more.
This group, of the unsympathetic, consisted of about 4,500 people. It left a small minority who were clown supporting free speech loving fanatics. Most of them ended up actually being clowns.
I guess it is no surprise. Still it happened so rarely that I would find someone who was an ardent supporter of clowns, that I would follow up with this. “Are you a clown?” only three times did I receive a negative response. In these cases they were children or siblings of clowns. So I decided to call up some clowns and ask them what they thought.
“When I am doing a party and I see that a kid is getting scared, I back off.” Said Goofy Dave of Keokuk IL. When I asked him how often it happened he vaguely responded “There’s one in every crowd.” Well Goofy Dave, in my limited studies I found that there were in fact more than “one” in every crowd. It seemed like the more I asked, the more people were wondering why there even clowns at all. By the end of my research, I was asking the same question myself. So what is to be done about it you ask? I have a solution which I think will be beneficial to all concerned, and I truly believe should be implemented.
Simply stated, clown reservations. We designate an area for clown performance, and on that area the clowns can clown to their hearts content. If the happen to stray in costume from the area they would face stiff penalties and possible prison time. I know it sounds harsh, but we have an epidemic on our hands, and I feel that this is a reasonable solution to our problem.
First of all, those who love clowns, no matter how few there are, will be able to enjoy the show without troublesome interruptions. No crying children. No gunfire. The clowns would not have to “back off” because everyone in attendance would be an ardent fan, and probably a clown. It would be a sort of utopia for clowning, and they could even have clown based stores and restaurants, no matter how frightening the idea may seem to you.
Of course, there would be checkpoints to ensure that none of the clown paraphernalia would leave the reservation, this is a given. Other than that, they could have the time of their lives. In my humble opinion, it seems like a fair and prudent solution to a costly problem. You see millions of dollars a year are spent on therapy from clown induced psychological issues and it seems prudent to snuff that out at the root. “I wish I could tell you the problems are going away” stated Dr. Tim Kunkel “Sadly with the internet it seems to be getting worse. There is even a clown centric group of cyberbullies who have been responsible for 7 of my last 20 patients. It is really disheartening.” Of course he is making money from this so I would almost discount his testimony if not for his passion. You see his son Jimmy was driven insane by a clown named Bowzer the Great, and to this day is housed in Bellevue Mental institute. These are the reasons for my passion.
So friends, I urge you, think long and hard about clowns and the clown reservation. It may be time to lobby you congressman. Call your city council, or start a neighborhood watch group. Please, it is America, and you are the ones who can affect change in your society. It is a good cause. Please, don’t let Jimmy Kunkel suffer in vain. Send the clowns to the rez! Lovingly, Buzzsaw

Note: I have not made any mention to juggalo's as that is a topic so vast and varied that it is deserving of it's own BS. I hope you can forgive me of taking this liberty.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Wanna make a bet?

Gambling and sports. Two of the things which interest me the least. Then why did you decide to write about it you ask? Because crime and conspiracy have always interested me a lot. Well how do gambling and sports connect to crime and conspiracy? Easy, money is always connected to crime and conspiracy, so obviously so are sports and gambling.

My main theory in this arena (pun intended) is that a lot more sporting events are rigged than the public would like to believe. With billions of dollars to be gained, of course the games get fixed. When I talk to people about this I am often told that they wouldn't get rigged because the players are "playing to win", but if you have players walking out on $300 million dollar contracts, I think they might be interested in money too.

Now, the point of this piece is not to prove that the Superbowl has been rigged. I am pretty sure that it has been. My opinion is that the 1919 Black Socks world series scandal is not the most famous rigged event in our countries history, rather the most famous for getting caught. So personally I am assuming that there is fixing going on. It is human nature.

Really what I am after is finding the guy who is doing the fixing so I will know who to bet on. If I did I would get addicted to gambling as quickly as possible. This is what I have been thinking about, I apologize that it is not funny. Buzzsaw

Monday, December 6, 2010

She's got a good thing going!

This weeks caption contest winner bio!

The story I am about to tell is one of bravery and grit, a story of one womans fight for the freedom of all house cats. The story of Rebecca!

Rebecca was born Julia Roberts to her parents, Robert and Roberta in Bowling Green Kentucky on July 4th 1476. They gave her the name Julia because they thought that Roberta Roberts Jr, was a truly horrid name. As a young girl Julia Roberts was actively involved in her community as a member of Chamber of Commerce and the Daughters of The American Revolution. As a young girl she was quite interested in science and computers, and luckily for the town of Bowling Green she did not mind setting up the internet in the town hall. It has been rumored that she even set up our first president George Washington's first facebook profile! This was when he was going as ByGeorge34527, which was a profile he kept up until his death at Mount Vernon in 2004.

As a the only female member of the Boy Scouts she was also the first female to earn her Eagle Scout award. To this day it hangs from the rear view mirror of her Toyota Prius, which she bought after winning a poker tournament at Diamond Lil's Cardroom in Lynwood WA. Julia is married to a man known only as "Art Garfunkel" who is an artist. His hobbies include online games such as Farmville and Sorority Life. He is said to be extremely handsome and his nose aquiline.

I have been lucky enough to have spent many hours with Julia Roberts volunteering at the local blood banks and libraries. We do this because we are in fact two of the best people in the world. Bar none. That is except for Art Garfunkel and the kids, Jody Foster and Stephen Foster. These two are a true blessing. Jody has taken after her mother working with computers and saving lives, while Stephen Foster is a moron. Jody says that he gets it from his fathers fishing hat, which everyone knows is a dunce.

Last week while we were donating large sums of money to several local and international charities I asked Julia what her plans were. She told me that she was considering running for the Nobel Prize for Hotness, since she is extremely hot. It seemed like a very sound idea, so when she suggested that I also run, I quickly agreed. it would be my chance to really show the world what I was all about, it would be my chance to shine. Julia Roberts you are an extremely gifted person. I love your caption. I love your work in Africa and New Hampshire (she founded the New Hampshire home for the Geriatric and Crazy in 1798). I think you are a babe and a catch. If not for your undying love for Art Garfunkel, your svelte husband, I would make a play. Not that I have a chance against Art anyway, but I would hate myself if I did not try! Julia Roberts you are a sweet sweet southern belle. Goodnight. Your man, Buzzsaw

Saturday, December 4, 2010

How to write BS

This morning around 5 am I woke up. At this time I had nothing to do except try to get back to sleep. Of course this was a futile exercise and perhaps I should have gotten up and written the BS report I was inspired to write. At least I should have written down the idea, because as soon as I thought of it I knew it would take about 15 minutes and would probably make both of my deranged readers laugh at least once. Sadly for them, I neglected my duty, instead lying in bed for another two hours. I forgot the great idea about two minutes after I thought of it and spent the next 35 trying to remember. That said, I thought that for lack of anything better I would take you through my process of writing, it is truly amazing. To be honest, I was tempted to make up a bunch of lies about my rituals, going to such lengths as claiming to do 11 push-ups, but even for me this is to great an exaggeration. So I will stick mostly to the truth.

Sometimes, like last night I have an idea and I can sit down and write the thing fairly quickly. For example when I decided to write my horoscope, I was working on painting a bedroom. I have always thought that signs of the zodiac and horoscopes are totally bunk. It is sort of an obsession with me. What inspires me are the people (usually women) I am talking to and they think they "understand" me because of our conversation. They will then inevitably ask me what my sign is, and if I tell them they say "yep, totally." This has always bothered me because if the stupid thing were real they should be able to tell me what astrological sign I am simply based upon my behavior. Any student of the zodiac who has to ask, in my opinion needs to either study more, or give it up.

When I decided to do my horoscope the first thing I had to do was look up the astrological signs, because to be honest I always thought them so dumb I never memorized them. I was able, through the powers of the internet to find a web-based horoscope that was also extremely vague. I had planned on writing a very vague piece, because this is how the writers of horoscopes are able to hook readers. If you say enough vague things about people who are naturally interested in mumbo jumbo, you will eventually print something that "fits." Of course I lost interest in this direction right away.

I had intended to write "lucky numbers" for each sign, but after writing the first set I got lazy. Then a couple signs later I decided to write more, then I realized it was easier and funnier if all the numbers were the same. This was a real victory. I think I tried to write semi-realistic entries until about 1/3 of the way through. Then I just gave up and went crazy. Somewhere about 2/3 of the way through I grew tired. At this point I decided that it would be fine if I simply cut and pasted from the actual horoscope. I intended to change them, but then I realized that they were fine on their own. I finished quickly, found an obscenely weird picture of a fortune teller, and put that at the top of the report. Then I pushed the "publish" button and went about my business.

On this particular day I had been painting a bedroom all day. It was during this time when I became inspired to write the horoscope. So instead of working on my book project first, I jumped right into my BS, as you might have gathered it is good to strike when the iron is hot. So when I got done I still had to write 2,000 words about my trip to Japan in 2005. It was not too bad, but by the time I was finished I was pretty tired. Unfortunately as 21st century writer, I had to check up on my Facebook and Twitter accounts. Facebook was fine but a problem arose on Twitter. A young woman from Kansas was pitching a fit because I forgot her sign. I was at first apologetic because I thought I must have forgot, then I checked my blog.

The interesting thing about all technology is that it is flawed. The flaw with this program is that for some reason it does not like copy and paste very much. I have had problem taking files from other programs before, and such was the case here. The entire last 1/3 of the piece was represented by an empty screen, at least on the main page. So here I was at 11:30 at night and I needed to figure this out so some woman from Kansas would leave me alone.

At first I tried to get the copy and paste function to work. After 7 tries I realized it was to no avail. Then I rewrote the last section. When I pasted it in I thought it was fine. Unlike the first time, this time I previewed the page before uploading. I was infuriated to find that though the piece was intact, there was a large blank space in the middle of the blog. So I went back into the edit function, only to discover that I had copied and pasted the old part 5 or 6 times, so I had to erase it. Finally I was finished. I published the piece and posted it on Twitter for my Jayhawk friend. Then I finally laid down in bed. Of course by this time I needed to relax so I read for an hour and at one am, I turned out the light. And that is how BS is made. Love BS
PS-I also try to spell check, but I am always trying to find ways to "explain away" bad grammar and spelling.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Advice, advice, advice

As you might have guessed this BS report is actually more of an advice column. Sorry if you expected otherwise, but I have a lot of people asking me what they should do in life and I feel it would be unfair to hide my pearls of wisdom like some sort of forbidden fruit rollup. So here you go:

Dear Buzzsaw, Man, I just want to tell you that I have been a fan of yours since the early days on KCWU! Man I used to love listening to "Patrick Friendly" and "Ledocious D" "Lil Pickl" and the rest of the gang! And that time you had the contest to see who got to bring you coffee! Hilarious! But to get on topic I have a major problem. I work at Valley Honda in Ranch Cucamungo CA and my boss Janet Phinney is having an affair with my co-worker Ben Fields. they are both married, and the problem is that I am a personal friend with Ben's wife Sarah Fields. In fact she got me the job! Another hitch is that I sometimes go geo caching with Janet's husband Neil Phinney! I feel like I am in a pickle! Should I tell someone that Ben Fields and Janet Phinney are having an affair or should I keep my mouth shut? Please, Buzzsaw, your my only hope.
Sincerely Donald Fink, Rancho Cucamungo, CA

Dear Donald Fink, thanks for remembering the old days! It means a lot to hear that someone is paying attention to my work. Anyway, as far as your question. I am sure things are tough at Valley Honda in Rancho Cucamungo CA now that Janet Phinney and Ben Fields are engaged in an extra marital affair. what I advise you to do is wait. It might not be a good thing if you went to Sarah Fields or Neil Phinney and told them about it. It seems to me that maybe you could give it time to blow over. Maybe Janet Phinney and Ben Fields of Rancho Cucamungo CA are just involved in a fling. Also, do you have a hobby? Maybe you just need something to do. But seriously, I would just try to get my work done at Valley Honda in Rancho Cucamungo CA. The affair between your boss Janet Phinney and your co-worker Ben Fields will work itself out! Ta ta, Buzzsaw

Dear Buzzsaw, I am thinking about getting a lizard. Any ideas? Jessie in Houston

Dear Jessie let me tell you I love me some lizards. I suggest either the Leopard Gecko, the Red Ackie, or the Bearded Dragon. Any of these are great lizards for someone new to lizardry. In case you have further questions and I am unavailable there are many great online resources for this type of thing. I especially love have fun with your new pal! Love always, Buzzsaw

Dear Buzzsaw, what is that smell? Sean

Dear Sean, I think it is the aroma fresh baked  toasted coconut cookies and an apple wood fire. I also catch the rich loamy smell of hot ginger tea, does that help? See ya, Buzzsaw

That's all for tonight, have a good one, best regards, Ian "Buzzsaw" the short guy Barnes

ipadio: Something really funny I saw!

ipadio: Choosing paint.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

ipadio: workout routine

Horoscope! From Buzzsaw!

I am now doing horoscope readings. That is how low I have sunk. Here your are my fine feathered reader:

Aquarius: Not to be confused with an aquarium, or for that matter a terrarium, you are very special indeed! Look out his week, it is highly likely that something or someone, is going to make you angry! Grrr! That is OK because if you make sound financial choices, you could make a lot of money! Watch out for heartbreak, it can getcha! You lucky numbers are 12,7,56,45,3,78,1,23 and 4.

Capricorn: Things are not always as they seem! What you think is right might be wrong! Your relatives might call this week. Make sure you do not let old disagreements gain new life! There is a beautiful someone out there waiting for you. Don't miss your chance! Take advantage of good opportunities when they arise!

Sagittarius: The holidays may be full of surprises! If you want someone to notice you, now is the time to act! You only live once. Barnum and Bailey's circus. Meaningful insight. Trust your instincts! Don't worry about naysayers! You have to learn to walk before you learn to crawl!

Scorpio: You might rush into things a bit fast at times! Watch out lest you upset the fruitbasket! if you are looking for opportunity it will find you! Keep your eyes on the prize! Member FDIC insured! Your love life may blossom if watered! See the man in the trenchcoat? He's naked underneath! Your lucky numbers are 12,7,56,45,3,78,1,23 and 4.

Libra: You might consider becoming a librarian. You have a sexy voice. It turns me on. I can't help trying to find out more about you via the internet! I am not joking. I just drove by your house for the third time in an hour! You are soooo hot! Anyway, I like to play foosball, ultimate frisbee and build computers from the ground up! By the way, I don't have a job or a car so my mom drove for me. It's cool though, I am 38.

 Virgo: Your lucky numbers are 12,7,56,45,3,78,1,23 and 4. No matter what people say don't keep trying! The competition is only competing for first through fourth place. You are a cinch for 5th! Hey Jim, did you get my e-mail about the cruise next August? Yeah, it's gonna be great! I love Alaska! Those whales are HILARIOUS! Especially when they jump up and land on seals so they can crush their bones and eat them! Too cool! Alright, pizza for lunch? Right on bro! Your lucky numbers are 12,7,56,45,3,78,1,23 and 4.

Leo: It may be near impossible to put someone off till a later day, so you may need to start earlier and finish later than usual just to stay in front with your responsibilities. Focus on developing your multitasking skills.

Cancer: You can easily get emotionally hurt. If you are in constant contact with someone who rubs you up the wrong way, try to limit the time you spend with them. You work best when you are with people who are sensitive to your needs.

Gemini: You are a sweet person. Don't be soured by setbacks! A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. No matter what kind of bird or what kind of bush. Even a tiny, filthy pigeon in your hand is worth two hens in a blueberry bush. It is the wisdom of the ages! Don't worry about what you cannot change! Your love life is uncertain. Your lucky numbers are 12,7,56,45,3,78,1,23 and 4.

Taurus: Don’t worry too much about changes ahead. Guykwedcjafbf! It could be worse, have you heard about genocide? I think you and I both know a special someone who wants to give you a special something! Hee Hee! And by the way, you may or may not be a lesbian.

Aries: Even though your zodiac sign sounds like herpes, or testes, you still count! And you can count on experiencing changes in your career as well! Does your boss know you smoke pot? Well he is going to find out via your moron friends on Facebook! So much for social networking, soon that’s the closest thing to workin you will be doing at all! Your lucky numbers are 12,7,56,45,3,78,1,23 and 4.

Pices: For someone with your personality you should look for some challenges in the near future! Remember things are not always as they appear! What looks easy could be hard, and the opposite could also be true as well! I know you might be considering a Polar Bear plunge, but given the fact that you swim about as well as a George Foreman grill, please remain clothed and on shore! Watch out for perverts this week, and by that, I mean don’t get caught doing anything gross!

There, I am happy to help enlighten my good readers with the future, the future, the future! Nothing makes me more delighted than when I get to help out the "little people", which means you.
Best regards, Madame Buzzsaw