Pages

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Meyer sends Twilight Saga to Libya! "I truly hope they find their Edward"

As the civil war in Libya is reaching a fever pitch, world leaders are frantically searching for solutions that would offer a peaceful resolution. In America, one woman has come up with a unique and possibly fool proof way to achieve just that. Author Stephanie Meyer has pledged 10,000,000 copies of her popular Twilight saga to the Libyan nation in hopes that her work can change the hearts and minds of a beleaguered nation.

Speaking at a press conference in a Phoenix Applebee's the author detailed her plan that includes airdropping the books over Tripoli and other major Libyan cities. The United Nations have offered to supply the airplanes and aircraft carriers needed in what has been dubbed "Operation Sparkle Drop" in reference to the glittering appearance of the vampires in her beloved series!

The idea came to Meyer in a dream which she had last Thursday night. "I saw myself standing in a square full of protesters, when suddenly I saw Edward emerge from the entrance of a mosque. He raised his hands and suddenly the fighting stopped. And just like that I woke up." To many people such a dream might seem strange and unimportant, but Meyer didn't hesitate. "I knew that there was a solution. Reading has always been a powerful catalyst to change, and great literature is always going to affect that change. Especially when it is a book about true love, dedication, and the power therein. Honestly, I just want those people to find their own "Edward."

In her Twilight Saga, Edward Cullen is a 108 year old man-child vampire who has never had sex. Until he meets, courts, and marries, human Bella Swan. In a way according to Meyer, Libya is a lot like Bella. "Bella feels very much disconnected from the outside world. Libya is an awkward little country that feels strange around other countries. Libya is a plain little country, and it needs someone that loves it. Just like Edward loves Bella. In a way it is a perfect metaphor. That's why I am sending the Saga."

Critics have spoken up saying that the whole thing is a publicity stunt, but Meyer stuck to her guns. "It's not cheap to send 40,000,000 books. If I thought it wouldn't help I wouldn't do it!" When asked about the possibility of a Nobel Peace prize, the author smiled effortlessly. "I'm not saying it couldn't happen! She winked.

So starting this week, Operation Sparkle Drop will be kicking off, loading tens of thousands of books into planes all over Africa and Europe. In a White House press conference US President Barak Obama had this to say: "I am really proud of Stephanie, and as President I offer full support. As a man and a fan of The Twilight Saga, I am Team Edward all the way!"  As the rest of the world waits for the mission to unfold, what better way to spend our time, than by opening up The Twilight Saga, and finding an Edward of our own!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

R-Pattz, K-Stew, the Paparazzi, & you! Fighting fire With Fire!

I can't speak for everybody, but I like my privacy. I want to be able to go about my daily tasks without having them interrupted by strangers, the obvious exception being beautiful single women. In the last couple years though that has become increasingly difficult due to my being twidentified. For example, last August I was at La Push Washington outside the now defunct Rivers Edge restaurant. I was talking to a friend and a couple was sitting in their min van right in front of me. I watched as the woman took out her camera, talked to her husband than, with total impunity took a picture of me. Then they drove off without ever talking to me.

It was kind of creepy and kind of funny at the same time. For me it really wasn't that weird by August 2010, but I am sure for anyone else it would not be very cool at all. Still what I go through is nothing compared to what the actual movie stars go through when it comes to paparazzi chases and lack of privacy, yet it makes me aware to some degree what they are going through. The purpose of this piece is to help fans learn how they can help out in the war on paparazzi. As the worlds most twidentified man, as well as a former juvenile delinquent, I think I can offer some insight.

It was on Sunset Strip June 21, 2010 that I got my first true paparazzi experience. My business partner Lando and I had stumbled upon an event hosted by Bing and decided to see if I would get twidentified. Long story short, I didn't but I learned about the dreadful paparazzi. We were standing on the steps of the Bank of America building surrounded by models in disgusting looking, and obviously expensive clothes when the "stars" arrived. Due to my complete ignorance, I didn't know who they were. It turns out one was Drake. The paparazzi reaction was intense!

One girl got out of a limo and walked down the "press" area and a group of full grown men with bulging eyes "barked" questions at her. In fact I could not tell what they were doing except it sounded like a pack of wild animals! I was in shock! How does she know what they are saying? How can they hear her while they are barking? It blew my mind! The paparazzi even looked like animals! Greasy and uncouth with beady eyes! I was afraid they were going to knife me! "It's Rob!" They jump me "Wait that ain't Rob! Let's kill him!" Thump. Kick. Punch. And they beat me to death with their cameras!

After the security cleared everyone out we walked up Sunset to check the scene. At the nearest gas station we saw the same paparazzi group pumping gas and talking on cell phones arranging their next attack. The whole gas station was filled with their ominous looking black SUV's. So we realized, that like a group of wild dogs, they hunt in packs. At this point Lando and I started discussing how we could defeat them. Here is essentially what we came up with: Fight fire with fire!

One thing I know about people is that they usually get angry about their own bad qualities when they see them demonstrated in others. I know I do, I feel like an idiot, but I have to admit it. Knowing that I formulated a theory that though they love taking pictures of others, paparazzi would probably not really like to have their pictures taken and having people bark at them. So I figured we should form a paparazzi paparazzi. A group of people who specialize in taking pictures of the paparazzi and invading their privacy as much as possible. The next day I tried my theory.

At the Nokia Theater (I wrote in greater detail in a previous post) I was essentially attacked because of the twidentification thing. The whole time I was fairly uncomfortable, but when I saw that I was getting photographed by paparazzo I snapped. I grabbed Lando's camera and got right in their faces firing off photo's. They literally disappeared! Perhaps they just thought I was a moron, which is actually true quite often, but I also think that they were not keen on getting their photo's shot. I would love to test this theory further.

What I would suggest for any fan of Rob, Kristen, or any other popular celebrity, would be to take pictures of the paparazzi as often as you can. If you can in any way infiltrate their groups, start to mislead them via twitter. They are following you, so you have to try and figure out how to use that to your advantage. I would love to see a website dedicated to posting pictures of paparazzi members, preferably while they are not working. Know where they live? Have a picnic in front of their house. See them leave? Follow. Hey people, let's get creepy. Let's get creepy as hell! I see no reason why we shouldn't.

These are great techniques, but how can someone who lives in Lawrence KS do anything about it? For one stop buying the stuff they sell. There is big money in a photo of K-Stew and R-Pattz, but do you really need one of them grocery shopping to round out your collection? I think not. I honestly see absolutely no way it could be interesting. Even if it is something amazing and unheard of like the Kardashian sisters shopping in Beverly Hills, I don't need it. So if you love your stars please don't buy that crap. It's not like the articles are new. They just reuse the same garbage again and again. It is totally irrelevant.

Lastly I want to talk about safety. I probably should have done that first, some people probably got bored and only read "fight fire with fire." Needless to say I am sure their will be an arson or 5 and I will be blamed. For the rest of you, don't do anything illegal, just creep them out. Ask the paparazzi for their autographs. Get in their way! Tell them you want to have their baby! Tell the you are pregnant with their baby! But don't get involved in a car chase, we don't need another Princess Diana. I am also NOT saying that it would be funny if you let the air out of the tires of a known paparazzo while they are out and about on foot. I am NOT saying that at all. Because it would be bad. Not funny as hell. Seriously, do NOT do that.

Love, Buzzsaw

Monday, February 21, 2011

Catherine Hardwicke: "I told them to pretend they had diarrhea"

In an interview earlier today director Catherine Hardwicke was able to shed some light on her role in developing the vampire characters in the Twilight Saga. While critics have claimed that the brooding characters portrayed by Robert Pattinson, Jackson Rathbone, Kristen Stewart and others stiff and awkward due to poor acting, the director says it is not true.

"When we were in the pre-production phase of the movie I explained exactly what I wanted. These characters of Stephanie's are like loaded guns, ready to go off at any second. I knew I needed them to be slightly uncomfortable." So what did the director do? "I asked them to pretend they had diarrhea and that they were in a public place, miles from the bathroom." It seemed to work, as Pattinson and the rest were able to maintain an air of uneasy calm for the entire movie. "I think Rob took it the farthest. he was actually eating Metamucil with a bowl of high fiber cereal every morning!" So you are saying that R-Patz actually gave himself diareah in order to act? Talk about living the part!

Directors tricks are as common as dishwater, so the idea is not surprising. What is surprising is that it took so long to leak (no pun intended). "I kind of felt that I wanted to wait until they were almost done before I mentioned it." Hardwicke said via e-mail. "I thought that some of the fans might get grossed out if they thought about Robs clenched buttcheeks and the mess that might very well have occurred if he weren't such a good actor." From my perspective I think it is only fair!

After speaking with her I took the morning to watch scenes from Twilight and looking at it from this point of view totally sheds new light on Edward Cullen's brooding glares. Of course he is a little upset and uncomfortable! It is almost like he is trying not to eat his girlfriend. I was unable to get any information about how long Rob would go between bathroom breaks, but Hardwicke did say he would also drink coffee and hold his urine in when he was unable to get his bran.

How far did the young heartthrob take it? "At one point I had to call him in for an unscheduled scene so he had someone run to the store for Ex-Lax!" She laughed. Well, I am sure R-Pattz was finally able to laugh when the box office numbers came in! His method acting has made him the biggest star around! I can't wait to see what he does next!

Women Hate Kristen Stewart! IT'S BECAUSE THEY ARE JEALOUS!

Editors preface: When I wrote this piece I had no idea that it would get spread around the Internet like a BBC video of wild animals speaking in British accents, but somehow it has. I wrote it for no other reason than the fact that I thought it was true to some degree. That said, it is in no way something I am very passionate about. It was intended to be a humorous spin on an obvious phenomenon. I do not take this seriously, and neither should you. The truth is, I think it is kind of boring. Read on if you must, but let it be known, I feel that even my most mundane posts are funnier, more interesting, and generally sexier. Thank you. Buzzsaw 2/22/2011

In the past two years I have learned more than the entire 7 years I was working on my bachelor's degree. It has been a sort of unaccredited masters program in The Twilight Saga, and the social and economic effect it is having on society. Of course when I started I knew I would learn about how billions of dollars are spent on Twi-swag, that is a no-brainer. What I had no idea about, and what I should have already known, is that women in general are incredibly mean/cruel to their own. Maybe is that men are less likely to be deeply hurt by snide remarks and bitchy expressions. Even so, until I got into this and realized how mean women are to Kristen I was pretty naive!

When I was making my living posing for people as "The Genuine Fake Edward" and "Robert Pattinson's actual mock relative" occasionally people asked where Bella was. I assume that is because they wanted to kill her. By the second week (after I had posed with a ring proposing to an actual girl named Bella) I was calling all the girls who walked through the door Bella. It was simply a good business policy! Over the course of about 4 months I think I found a couple guylighters who liked Bella, and I heard about a lesbian who fancied her. Nothing more. I decided to dig deeper to find out why.

Most of the women who hate Kristin claim it is because of her acting. They say she is "the same in every movie" or that she just sucks. I have not ever seen Kristen in any other movie, so I don't know. I do know that she has managed to keep getting roles, so apparently even if she is as bad as they say, somebody is buying. Not that it matters. What I found suspicious is that all the women who "hate her acting" are also suspiciously in love with Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner...But women don't get JEALOUS do they?????!!!!!

My opinion is that yes, they are absolutely, irrevocably, and undeniably, jealous of Kristen. I have honestly seen postings on the internet where women (the ones who never show their picture) are making fun of her because she said John Steinbeck is her favorite author! It's crazy! They were saying that it made her dumb! I don't know about my readers, but these days a young person who even has a favorite author is a bit of a surprise. Not only that actors and actresses are notorious for being vacuous and stupid. Come on ladies, I won't make fun of you if you just admit that you are completely jealous! Please, just say it. I don't believe your lies, I don't even care.

So perhaps the women are right. Maybe she can't act. I don't know, when I see her in "On The Road" I will have a better idea. Either way, it won't do much good to hate her because you love Rob Pattinson. Let me give you a hint, you are not going to be his girlfriend. Ever. So whether or not Rob and Kristen are together, you better get used to it. Because if he gets married or has another girlfriend, I am sure you are going to say you hate her too. And it will be jealousy. I can imagine Rob marrying someone who is both beautiful, genius (Nobel Prize), and a humanitarian. The perfect woman. It wouldn't matter, jealous women would find all her flaws and create online communities to discuss it.

That is just how women can be. Vindictive and cruel. Usually much crueler to other women than men. As I mentioned, we don't care as much, and we are sort of stupid with picking up on stuff, so when a woman says something extra biting, we just might miss it. The nice thing is that women understand themselves. I am sure Kristen has read the nasty things that are said about her. It is probably why she acts like a bitch sometimes. If you were under that kind of scrutiny what would you do? I would personally create images and illusions. It is a pretty good way of keeping your own life private, while at the same time creating controversy and getting publicity. Anyway, the point of this piece is not to defend Kristen's acting, which I have hardly seen, but rather to get you women to admit you are jealous. Don't try to lie, because I don't believe you. Just grow up and say it. "I hate Kristen because I want to be her."

Editors note: From my experience I find that the most vocal opponents of K-Stew are married women. I would venture to guess that the reason they do not display their own pictures is because they are crazy looking. At best. Who their husbands are I do not know. Most likely you will find them on Peopleof walmart.com, shows like Cops, and perhaps at gay bars. I do not feel sorry for these women. I actually don't even feel sorry for Kristen. She is paid well, and probably has the sense not to care. All I want is for the haters to admit their jealousy. And perhaps hire a gigolo.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

El David con un toque de Crepusculo. Noticia Impactante!


El mundo del arte fue sacudido hoy cuando la Comision de Artes de Florencia anuncio que marcharian con el plan de renovacion de su mas famosa figura esculpiendo un nuevo rostro. La estatua pronto sera agraciada con el estilo vampiresco de Robert Pattinson de Crepusculo. El anuncio fue sorprendete pese a los rumores que se habian escuchado desde el contrato de Larenzo “Lori” Fontana como director de la Comision de Artes el pasado Junio.

En la conferencia de prensa esta mañana Fontana elaboro en este moviemiento historico. “En estos tiempos necesitamos pensar en el futuro. Los numeros son tan bajos y pienso que mucha gente joven preferia morir que seguir mirando este arte antiguo. Para ser honesto pienso que necesitamos hacer algo especial para asi poder atraer a gente que pueda mirar a estas obras en los siguientes 400 años. Robert Pattinson, como saben, el R-patz, es un hombre sexy. El puede hacer que las chicas se desmayen. Se que esta es la escultura de El David, el es muy aburrido. Le miro e inmediatamente me caen lagrimas. Honestamente, la mayor parte de tiempo cuando le miro estoy actualizando mi Twitter. Por eso la necesidad de dejarle este trabajo a R-Patz para que le ponga un toque sexy.”

Cuando un reportero molesto (quien habia sido soltado de su comunidad de jubilacion) intento armar una pelea con Fontana acusandole de “arruinar obras de arte de gran valor”, el director le mostro una sonrisa victoriosa. “Preguntas si no tiene precio? Sera mejor. La Saga de Crepusculo y Robert Pattinson son de gran valor. Trata de interesar a la gente joven en este arte sin el toque sexy. Imposible!” Obviamente, Fontaba ya se habia hecho la misma pregunta.

Apesar de las protestas y de correo indeseable, la estatua sera bajada de su pedestal el siguiente Lunes y sera traida al studio de Mario Pena quien comenzara a trabajar en las renovaciones respectivas. El escultor paso un dia estudiando el rostro del actor y se ha reportado que Robert Pattinson recira una suma de $20 millones por permitirles usar sus rasgos facials! El proyecto debe ser completado en epocas de verano y el producto final es anticipado con ansias.

Interesantemente, Fontana se dio cuenta de que estaria trabajando para el Louvre en un proyecto especial, y mi unica esperanza es que los rumores de pintar a la co-actris de Rob, Kristin Stewart en la Mona Lisa sean verdad!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

SAG Blocks Pattinson from accepting role as firefighter!

It was widely reported that actor Robert Pattinson was involved in talks with the producers for the upcoming remake of Towering Inferno last week. It all came to a halt today as the Screen Actors Guild stepped in between the hunk and the production company, virtually begging them to abandon the collaboration. In a private meeting with the actor, SAG president Ken Howard personally asked Pattinson to give up the role. Our sources stated that when faced with the gravity of the situation the British actor agreed to do so saying “It just makes sense.” It seems that all parties came to agree about one thing. Robert Pattinson in a fire fighters uniform is something so sexy that the world isn’t ready for it!
“Do you REALLY think that anyone is going to stand in line for an Adam Sandler rom-com when we have Robert Pattinson running around in uniform?” Howard said at a press conference early this afternoon. “We have always known that women love a man in uniform. And when that man is R-Pattz, all the other movies released that month are going to flop! That’s why we asked him to decline the role.”
According to an SAG press release this is not the first time a lead actor has been asked to decline a role. In a similar case George Clooney was asked to turn down a role as Don Juan and it is widely reported that Megan Fox has agreed never to wear a nurse’s uniform in an SAG production. Interestingly, Russel Crowe and Ridley Scott were not reprimanded for producing Robin Hood, even though it’s viewers suffered an alarmingly high in theater suicide rate!
We lucky enough to speak with Pattinson and Clooney about the topic and both were refreshingly candid about the whole thing. “I guess you could say it wasn’t unexpected” Pattinson said while combing his fingers through his trade mark locks. “If you have seen my fans they are absolutely mad! I can imagine that if the movie had been made, every firefighter in the country would have loads of women lining up!” Of course we had a laugh about it, but the reality of it is that if the world got an epic movie starring Robert Pattinson as a fire fighter, absolutely nothing would get done.
“Who wants to go see another Pixar movie about farm animals when you have that going on?” George Clooney is waving a preproduction mock up of Rob in uniform at my nose. “I showed this to my 90 year old aunt and she was acting like a 12 year old.” Shaking his head he went on.  “In fact” Clooney said “Putting Rob Pattinson in a firefighters uniform is damn near equal to setting off a nuke. The man is sexy. AND I KNOW SEXY!” Coming from the 12 time world’s sexiest man this is a strong statement indeed!
According to the SAG release, the projected losses suffered by other productions would be around 3 billion dollars if this movie is made. “We just hated to do it, but it was the only choice.” Howard told us. “I know how good it would have been. That is my burden. It’s what makes my job so damn difficult. I know how good it would have been.” So do we. So do we.
Personally I hope that we still have a chance to see Robert Pattinson don the uniform, but I am afraid it will not be for a long while. The world is just not ready. Until that day comes we will have to be satisfied with what we have. But we can always hope!

Photo: Courtesy of Amanda Johnson, 2011

Worst of Minneapolis Craigslist!

I was going to try and send this to a lady friend of mine. It was just too good. I already used two of these posts previously. What I realized is that Minneapolis must be one of the strangest places on earth, Or the most normal. The following was all found in about 10 minutes of searching. It was by far the most fruitful Craigslist mining adventure other than m=Maine which is also a particularly perverted state judging by its postings. Anyway, read these and be happy with your life. Sincerely, Buzzsaw

·         wife is passed out drunk - m4w - 40 (Maple Grove)
·        
·         Date: 2011-02-12, 7:58PM CST
·         Reply To This Post
·        
·        
·         Want to chat?

Can you relate to "staying for the kids"


Any financially amazing men out there?? - 30 (South Metro)

Date: 2011-02-09, 4:32PM CST
Top of Form
Reply To This Post
Bottom of Form


I am interested to see if there are any here in Minnesota that are just fun and sweet. I hope your out there. Can't wait to hear from you!
·         Location: South Metro
·         Mature Friend Sought - m4w - 27 (SW Minneapolis)
·        
·         Date: 2011-02-09, 4:09PM CST
·         Reply To This Post
·        
·        
·         Do you have high-stress prople in your life that you can't easily avoid? I sure do, and I could use a calm, reasonable friend to serve as antidote.

I miss my grandparents' generation. My parents' generation and my own (so far) have both been melodramatic, and I'm still waiting for them to grow out of that.

You won't find me cheating or bickering. When I don't get what I need from other people, I make it. When I don't like how I'm treated, I disengage and do the same thing. It's usually less work than throwing a tantrum, as much as that seems to be in style at the moment. Leaving that mess behind is an opportunity to build something better, assuming that you know how.

I'm also a long-term planner who won't offer quick fixes or simple answers. If you can relate to that, then we might have some of common ground.
·         New Jock Seeking Masc Friends. - m4m - 30 (Minneapolis)
·        
·         Date: 2011-02-09, 10:09AM CST
·         Reply To This Post
·        
·        
·         Hey guys,

I am a Str8/ Bi Muscled jock guy here looking for quality like minded friends. I am new to the area and would like to find a couple good looking built masculine guys ages 30-40 that are into lifting, physical activities, to hang with and get to know. I am 30 yrs old , Irish, built, and good looking. My main reason for posting this ad is to find a workout partner that is consistent in the gym, to help push me to the next level...and vice versa. So if you workout at LA Fitness in Uptown, even better!! Also, it would be awesome to just have a bud to grab a beer/bite, or coffee with once a week. This is by no means an ad for sex. I do have a preference for the type of I guys I like to surround my self with, so please send pics/stats and tell me a little bit about yourself in first email. I have pics to trade as well. I hope to hear from some great men!
WWMBD (What Would Michael Bolton Do) - m4w (Metro MN)

Date: 2011-02-09, 8:58AM CST
Top of Form
Reply To This Post
Bottom of Form


Do you ever find yourself asking yourself that? I don't, but I feel my life would have much more meaning if I did.

Do you find it odd that I just asked that? Me too.

I'm a married dude that likes to party. By "party", I mean "enjoy random online conversations with other ladies and/or 70-year old dudes posing as women".

If you like to email througout the day regarding inappropriate or random matters, email me. If not, kiss my butt!
·         Location: Metro MN
·         Lost Playing Truth or Dare - m4w - 40 (Saint Paul)
·        
·         Date: 2011-02-08, 8:28PM CS
·         I lost playing truth or dare and now I have to do the dare! I have been dared to have a woman take a picture of me naked. Any takers? Call or email Rob @
·         Looking for African American Friends - m4m - 42 (South Burbs)
·        
·         Date: 2011-02-08, 3:31PM CST

·        
·         Looking for African American guys that would like to be friends with a Caucasian guy. I like sports, movies, darts, coffee and much more or just hanging low and chatting. If interested hit me up
·         Want a big burger? - 26 (Minneapolis)
·        
·         Date: 2011-02-06, 2:31AM CST
       Hey folks,

I'm wanting to go eat the pound burger at Fudruckers. I haven't done it since high school.

This ad is real simple: skinny boy seeks partner to eat 16 ounces of beef (plus bread!) because he doesn't want to do it alone. There will be easy conversation and it will be a good time.

Let me know when you're thinking!

Cool.
·         Personal assistant for Professional Black Male - m4m - 40 (Metro, South Metro)
·        
·         Date: 2011-02
      White Male early forties seeks part time job as personal assistant to a Professional Black Male. I can assist with all domestict duties, run errands and assist with business duties. I am professional, intelligent and trustworthy.
·         Do You Have A Babysitter? - m4w (your fave restaurant)
·        
·         Date: 2011-02-02, 11:06AM CST Middle-aged gentlemanly father of teens is seeking the company of a single mother for dinner at her favorite restaurant.
Offer extended to expectant single mothers, too. (Or, maybe, especially!)
Dinner is my treat, babysitter included.
We would meet at the restaurant, and part there.
Strong, fit, masculine guy who got a late start at parenting. My kids are keeping me young.
I'm established, divorced, and unattached; nice, with a range of conversation.
Non-smoker.
·         Pregnant? - 34 (Dakota Cty)
·        
·         Date: 2011-01-31, 3:26PM CST
·         Reply To This Post
·        
·        
·         I'm looking for a pregnant woman who is attached. I'm attached also, but would love to
Email,chat or talk about your very sexy body changes. Let me know.
·         I want a lesbian friend. - m4w - 21 (Minneapolis MN)
·        
·         Date: 2011-01-30, 11:14PM
·         Most likely if you're a lesbian, you aren't looking here. So this might be tough.
This might sound strange, but you know how so many girls want a gay guy friend? Well I want a gay girl friend, haha.
My reasoning is I never hang out with girls. I want to have some as friends, and if I were friends with a lesbian, there'd be no tension! Haha.
Plus they're totally cool!
So yeah! I want to be friends with a lesbian :).
Don't really need a picture for friends. But here is one anyways!
·        

Male crossdresser seeking makeup artist - m4w - 52 (Mpls St. Paul)
·         Date: 2011-01-29, 1:35 pm 
·         Hi,
I am a nice looking, well mannered guy that crossdresses occassionally. I am looking for a woman that is very good with makeup, and would like to exchange any type of mechanical, electrical, automotive or carpentry skills for your talent with makeup, so that my face and hair would look as feminine and beautiful as possible.

I am good at all of the above, so if you have anything needing fixing, let me know. Can send a pic, if interested.

Thanks.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Any Financially Amazing Men Out There?

Honestly, who in their right mind would skim past this quirky post. I had to look this is what I found:

Any financially amazing men out there?? - 30 (South Metro)


Date: 2011-02-09, 4:32PM CST
I am interested to see if there are any here in Minnesota that are just fun and sweet. I hope your out there. Can't wait to hear from you!


It seems that the author has abandoned her search for financially amazing men instead looking for "fun" and "sweet" guys. For me this is good. If I were more financially amazing, perhaps I would be disappointed. The post fills me with questions. Does she mean rich? If that is the case I would never qualify. Despite my lack of wealth, I think I could paint a pretty good case for being financially amazing. To begin with I am not in much debt. My college loans are paid off. My rent is paid despite the fact that I have been self employed for 9 months. When I started my business it was done using cash. No borrowed money and no one to answer to. These are quite rare in a society that preaches the gospel of mortgage and credit like they are saving lost souls. If these meant I was financially amazing perhaps I could be her new man. Unfortunately she is in Minnesota, and though I am financially amazing, I am not financially amazing enough to get to Minnesota, unless she is financially amazing enough to fly me out!

Perhaps by financially amazing she is talking about my ability to save money while still getting cool stuff. I am sure anyone reading this can appreciate the fun that comes from spending money buying things. Me too. Especially if I am a little depressed. They say that it doesn't actually help, but when you are as financially amazing as me, it does. My method for shopping spree's is very specific. There is a store which was started in Austin TX called Half Priced Books. It is truly wonderful. They have a policy that lets you get paperback books at half off the cover price! This is truly financially amazing!

What I do is look for paperbacks from the 1960's or 50's. At that time paperbacks were usually less than $1, sometimes less than $.50! so I can get out of the store with two giant bags of books for often less than $10! Amazing! Financially AMAZING! All told I feel that I am qualified to be called financially amazing!

Not to brag, but I think I am financially amazing because despite being terrible at selling, I managed to run a business in which I charged people money to take their pictures with me. This is not only an odd profession, but it is psychologically weird as well. In spite of my awkwardness, body odor, inability to stop talking, and many more odd quirks, I survived. Of course I would have liked to survive at a higher standard of living than I did, but such is life. Life as a man who can boldly claim to be "financially amazing!"

Note: Just in case you were wondering if I were financially amazing enough to loan you money, feel free to email me you bank account info as well as social security number, credit card number, PIN number, and any other financially amazing info you might have. I will then put the money into your account. Thank you.

The Thin Candy Shell

From what I can remember from a game of Trivial Pursuit some 5 years nose jobs are the most common form of plastic surgery. An alarming amount of young women are afraid that the Gonzo beak is going to drive away the men. Perhaps they are afraid of stabbing his eye out in a fit of passion. Personally I think noses are cool and we should wear them proudly. The intent of this piece is not to in any way write up some sort of well researched treatise on nose jobs. As far as I am concerned my research was done five years ago. I am really more interested in pointing out some of the problems with plastic surgery (I am not talking about reconstructive surgery for accident and burn victims).

It seems to me that a lot of these surgeries are performed so the patient will somehow look younger. With successful procedures, it is entirely possible. Of course there are plenty of failures in which a face is somehow turned inside out in a gruesome tribute to Joan Rivers. This is an obvious downside. On the other hand sometimes a "successful" surgery will be worse than looking like Fabio after he got hit in the face with a pigeon. It could be much worse.

In many cultures the elderly are honored. For some reason in this country we are horrified of having people think we are old. We lie about our age. Dye our hair. Tell people that 50 is the new 30, when in fact it is actually 50. We get mad when people say we are "old." So billions of dollars are spent fighting to create the illusion I call "The Thin Candy Shell." That is really what it is. Your age and experiences cannot be denied. Everyday you live is a gift and it cannot be returned. We try like hell, but to no avail.

It is my opinion that by creating the illusion of youth we are missing out on the best years of our lives. Of course there are downsides to being old, but is it really worse than middle school or high school? And does making people think you are younger actually help your life aside from personal vanity? I doubt it. One of the things I look forward to as I age is having people do stuff for me because I am old. No more heavy lifting. No more stooping to grab stuff. No more spending money at hip clubs. No more paying attention because I just turned my hearing aid off. That's right, when you are old you can choose to ignore people and totally get away with it. In my opinion this sounds OK.

My great grandma Effie Olson lived to be 104. I am 31, so I would say I knew her since she was in her mid 70's. She always looked old. She did what she wanted. And she could bake a mean lemon meringue pie. I am sure if you asked her she would have told you she was old. She didn't care and did not suffer fools. In the nursing home she got in trouble for fighting when she was 101...Life in the old lane can be pretty cool. It should be enjoyed.

If you go through life trying to be something your not, you will never be satisfied. There is no way to reverse the clock, so pumping botox into your face until it is stretched tighter than a snare drum is a bad way to go. Not that I think we should throw our looks away, but there are limits. The most effective way to keep your looks is to exercise and eat healthy. Make it one KFC Double Down instead of two. Instead of drinking 5 margaritas make it 4 and split the last one with a friend. Don't try and create a thin candy shell, just be yourself. I think you will find that people actually like you more when you are honest. Sincerely The Buzzman

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Wedgies Anyone?

This is too funny to pass up. I don't need to say anything. I am at a loss for words. I am e-mailing the author...

Wedgies anyone? - m4m - 26 (Carlsbad)

Date: 2011-02-13, 5:51PM PST
I'm looking for someone who is into giving and receiving of wedgies. Nothing sexual, just wedgies.

Please email me if you are interested. I cannot host, but willing to travel to your place or meet somewhere.

-R
I hope this guy finds happiness. He just made my day! Buzzsaw Note: I was so blown away by the topic of this post that I neglected to notice how it ends. "I cannot host", but of course he could travel to you, or perhaps to a mutally accepted wedgie meet-up. Like a destination vacation for non-sexual wedgies. It sounds awesome. Gotta go, meet up in progress...

Wedding gag!

I would normally not post this because it is a bit more risque than I would like, but let it serve as a warning, because I am pretty sure this guy is a huge perv. Check out the post, which I found in St Louis.

seeking panties - m4w - 30 (arnold)


Date: 2011-02-10, 10:18AM CST
Do you need some extra money? I need your used panties for a wedding gag. I might as well get some fun out of this too so if you want to just hand them over it will be $5 a pair. Take them off in front of me $25 dont worry wear a skirt I wont see a thing. Let me take them off $50. Reply with panties in the subject.

I have no doubt in my mind that the panties are going to be used as a wedding gag. I have been to enough weddings to know the dirty used pantie gag. That said it is somewhat odd for him to ask to watch you take them off. Another item of interest is the price. I have never bought women's underwear, so I don't know for sure, but I am fairly certain almost all women's clothing is more expensive than men's clothing (that is your fault ladies, men just raise the price because we know you will pay). It seems like $5 is a pretty low price. Selling him your used underwear (for a wedding gag) is not a great deal. On the other hand...the price becomes a lot more reasonable if you let him take them off...so there is the crux of the issue. I am sure the wedding gag is going to go off splendidly, so please, contribute to the celebration of the happy couple, let this man take your underwear off (he doesn't need to see a thing!). It is a total win win. The bride and groom will get a kick out of the used underwear gag, you get $50, and a man in St Louis gets to have a little fun while helping his friends with a wedding gag! What a deal!

Editors note: If any young lady happens to read this, I am sorry. There are sick people out there and you might as well know now so you can avoid them. This is obviously a sick scam. PLEASE DON'T DO IT!