Dear Buzzsaw, I am 15 years old and tall for my height. Do you have any plans on getting into hip hop? I really love hip hop, and I would love to see you contribute to the genre. What do you think your rap name would be if you did? Jon in Lewiston ID
Dear Jon, I appreciate your enthusiasm, I am in fact very interested in hip hop. I have experimented with it in the past, and my rap name was Lil’ Buck. In the future I can see myself releasing at least one hip hop album every 3 years. It is fun to do, but I am afraid that people don’t take me seriously as a rapper, so I stick to singing country music most of the time. Sincerely Buzzsaw
Dear hotstuff, yes, I am into you in a sexual way, and yes, I have managed to hack into your Facebook account, so I know about all your girlfriends. Well I want to be one also. If you choose me you can count on being ravished four times every day, and also you can count on me tying you up to make sure you don’t run away. Kathy Bates is a hero of mine. Love, your true sweetheart and darling girl, Jess
Dear Jess, I don’t know what I did to turn you on so much. In case you were wondering I have terrible body odor and I constantly fart. My personal hygiene is limited. Also will you send me your info so I can report it to the proper authorities? Thanks my dear, Buzzsaw
To Whom It May Concern, if you eat my pop tarts I will gouge your eyeballs out! The management
Dear management, please do so; I would love to collect disability checks. Buzzsaw PS-the pop tarts were delightful!
Hi there! Do you want any free Viagra? I have fourteen cases I inherited from my grandfather who died. Of course I do not think it was the Viagra that killed him, it was probably the exertion caused by the three strippers he brought back to the Las Vegas hotel room. Well just figured that a guy like you could find a creative use for fourteen cases of Viagra. I have tried to think of what to do but I am shooting blanks. Also wanted to say that I love your work, especially because you actually do look a lot like Robert Patterson. Have a great day and send me an email if you want the Viagra. I will sell it to you on the cheap ;) I just need to have it out of the garage so I can park my new Prius. Love always, Robert Redford, Actor/Director/Producer
Dear Robert, did you check your email? Just wanted to let you know that I will take the Viagra. I am thinking about putting it into our local drinking water source, just to see the results. Just kidding, I eat that stuff like candy! Anyway, thanks; hope to see you at Sundance. Barnes
Hey sweetie, did you get the underwear I mailed you? The lacy black ones? Those are mine. I wanted you to put them on, take a picture, then mail the underwear and the picture back to me. You will do that won’t you? I would hate to have to tell you that I have fatal kidney failure and I will die in two weeks. It’s true, but I don’t like to bring it up. Anyway, if you could take the picture like I asked, plus sign some pictures (those are for my nephews who both have cancer); as well as write a song about my family, I would be much obliged. Love, Donald in Clallam County PS-I sent nude pictures of myself, wearing nothing but a mustache. You are sexy as hell, and if I wasn’t dying I would ask you on a date.
Dear Donald, I sent the pictures etc about a week ago, you should have them by now. If not please get back to me. Though I am a bit uncomfortable about it, since you are dying I am happy to do anything for you. Love and best wishes, Buzzsaw
Dear Buzzsaw, I think you are amazing. Sincerely Robert Pattinson PS-My girlfriend thinks you are hot. Please stay away from her!
Dear Robert Pattinson, right back at you! Buzzsaw PS-About the girlfriend. Kiss my ass. All is fair in love and war!
Dear Buzzsaw, I have HUGE breasts. Delany in Nebraska
Dear Delaney, do you feed your breasts corn? Buzzsaw
Dear Buzzsaw, I know this might sound crazy, but I am a 45 year old married woman, and I would do ANYTHING to sleep with you. When I say that you can believe it is true. In the past I have done things such as rob banks in order to gain the affections of a good man. In your case I would even go farther. I hope you don’t have a girlfriend, and if you do, she ain’t half the woman I am (literally or figuratively). If you want to know, I am a big woman who still looks sexy. I have guys hitting on me all the time, but I am saving myself for you. I noticed that you gave your address out in a video the other night. I have directions to your house and should be there in three days time. I will be wearing nothing but lingerie when you open the door, so you will know it is me. I have a tattoo of a phoenix on my shoulder and my dead ex’s face and initials on the back of my neck. The rest of my tat’s are pictures of you, or quotes you have said. I can’t stand being apart, I will see you soon. Love Mindy from Tulsa OK
Dear Mindy, All I can say is that I appreciate your devotion. Sadly I recently moved (this morning) and I don’t even know when I will be back in the country. You see, I am in Antarctica, and I really love it here. Hope you can buy some pictures off of my website though, www.edwardsinforks.smugmug.com love, Buzzsaw