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Saturday, April 27, 2013

VERY good fisherman! Minneapolis Craigslist Again!

April 27, 2013

Happy belated birthday to me! RIP George Jones! Happy early birthday Willie Nelson! Fuck you Adolf Hitler you dead Austrian fuck! And Springtime Has SPRUNG!!!! After months of living in what we have been referring to as “Mordor” the leaves on all the trees have popped out and everything in Central PA is verdant! And I just got a bunch of dumbbells and we are getting the kayak out. None of which is funny at all, so I better get to the point. As you may know, I am spending a lot of my creative energy “writing” and recording my podcast, I have also decided to focuson music again. May be motivated by being single on that one. Don't know. Oh yeah, I am not yet to the point! So without further ado, it's time for another Craigslist Translation! This time, as I have already been unfunny for an entire (probably grammatically FUBAR) paragraph, I figured I should hit up the always weird as testicles town of Minneapolis. Also my parents just went to a wedding there. I hope they don't read this. Here we go!

WARNING!!!!! THIS ONE IS “SORT OF” NORMAL, SO I INTEND TO READ BETWEEN THE LINES!!!!!! AND MAKE UP A FEW LIES!!!!!!! AND BE COMPLETELY SELF AGRANDIZING!



Wanted: Pleasant, kind, active female fishing partner - m4w - 40 (mpls) 

 

I will always stare directly into your eyes. ALWAYS!!!!

I bought a boat last year for me and my then fiancee' to go out and enjoy the lakes fishing etc. Well, this year I have the boat and no Fiancee' so I am hoping to find someone to fill that void of having someone to go fishing with. It is a nice boat that can hold three and a few dogs. It is just a fishing boat, so it is NOT glamorous. I would prefer you to be honest, kind, friendly and know at least a little bit about what you are doing. I generally troll for Northerns in the lakes up north and am a VERY good fisherman. I never come home without fish. I am not asking for anything in return, but handling a boat would be helpful when loading and unloading. I can easily do it myself, but an extra hand is always great.


I am an attractive fun spirited intelligent gentleman.

This may lead to weekend trips up north so pleas be willing to at least consider that.

Please send a picture. This is more of a call out for a companion, but if it leads to a relationship, I am fine with that.

Buzzsaw's Final Thoughts!!!!

The title to this post at first glance doesn't raise too many red flags. Nothing about trading his wife's dirty underwear or being a hung STR8 Stud. He doesn't even bring up My Little Pony Cosplay!


If I am to be totally transparent, I must admit that I brought that up.
 Any n00b would think it very innocuous. Ha! Only to the untrained eye! It's right there in the first word! “Wanted:” like an outlaw wanted. Wanted, like a perfectly muscled pool boy. Wanted: Janitorial Professional For Glory Hole Maze! Wanted: Fishing ASS-I$tant! Kind, not one to talk back to the captain! Active, as in able to cut bait, load and unload ice. Clean and gut fish. Knife go in. Guts come out. This is an advertisement for indentured servitude. Let's move right along to the body of the text!

“I bought a boat last year for me and my then fiancee' to go out and enjoy the lakes fishing etc.”

Wahoo. Right out of the gate with the ex-fiancee. He also bought the boat to take her out. No telling if he brought her back in, or just jettisoned the body in one of the lakes up north! No, seriously, I don't think her murdered her to death, he probably just assholed himself out of a fiancee. She probably hated that fucking boat! Oh, and I am going to name this guy Jim Palmer to make it fun. His ex-fiancee is Jennifer Hill. Anyway, I imagine Jim buying this boat as a gift for her but really for him. Then he drags her out after a long week at work and “takes her fishing” at 5 in the fucking morning. Probably trying to get romantic at night after yelling at her all day about how she is doing everything wrong! Of course she probably turned his trout away at night, and he had to rub one out of his cod rod. I digress, it gets better!

“Well, this year I have the boat and no Fiancee' so I am hoping to find someone to fill that void of having someone to go fishing with.”

Yeah Jim, we gathered when you dropped “ex-fiancee” in the previous sentence. But your bedside, or bunkside manner is so terrible you just had to hammer that point home. Oh, and “fill the void” is in no way creepy. Nice. But it gets better...

“It is a nice boat that can hold three and a few dogs.”

OK. Many of you probably own dogs and think this is normal. But I imagine that Jim is telling the reader not so they can bring their own pooch, but to let them know that he has several dogs as well. Nothing like sharing a boat berth with three dogs and The Captain. Fuck I bet it smells so bad! Fish and wet dogs! Let's make a baby! I would also bet that Jim eats pickles and sardines too. Assuredly he smells like double dipped ass. Moving on.

“It is just a fishing boat, so it is NOT glamorous.”

OK, so judging by this, our first example of ALL CAPS in the post, I gather that the boat is PRETTY SHITTY! OK JIM! WE GET IT! THE BOAT SMELLS LIKE DOGS, URINE, PICKLES AND FISH!!! WE GET IT! YOU WILL BE WAKING YOUR LADY FRIEND UP AT FOUR AM WHEN FISH!!!!

“I would prefer you to be honest, kind, friendly and know at least a little bit about what you are doing”

Jim wants you to know that he will berate you for every misstep all while trying to slip the salmon to you. Best to bring a pistol.

“I generally troll for Northerns in the lakes up north and am a VERY good fisherman. I never come home without fish.”

I have no idea if being a VERY good fisherman is impressive to women, so I am about to Google it. I went to a really annoying site called Ask Men. It had one of those annoying top ten lists (with pop ups that makes you click through all ten entries) of skills that impress women. There was no word as to where they came up with the answers for the list. Hopefully from polling women. Sadly for our pal Jim, not included on the list were fishing skills. If he is waiting for the Swedish Bikini Team to pop out of a cove like a beer commercial next time he lands a fifty pound pike I reckon he will wait awhile. Sorry Jim, maybe take up dancing, or literally anything other than fishing.

“I am not asking for anything in return, but handling a boat would be helpful when loading and unloading. I can easily do it myself, but an extra hand is always great.

I am an attractive fun spirited intelligent gentleman.

This may lead to weekend trips up north so pleas be willing to at least consider that.

Please send a picture. This is more of a call out for a companion, but if it leads to a relationship, I am fine with that.”

I got tired of Jim, plus I need to get home to let the Comcast guy in. So I will let you take the wheel on this section, and I will leave you with some Thundercats cosplay pics. Cheers! Buzzard!







This is probably surprisingly fun when drunk.

The gang's all here!

Dave Chappelle obviously got the memo!

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Mike Jones giant box of gay porn

It's my birthday blog! Part One

I know, it's actually not my birthday. That was just another in the long series of lies and half truths which is The BS Report. To be fair, my birthday is in two days, and there is a strong chance that I will be busy, so let's meet halfway and consider it my birthday for the next month or so. I don't want any of you people (beautiful people) to miss it and feel like festering boils on the face of humanity (if you miss it you should though).

My original intent was to make a long list of things you can buy me, but I am way too lazy so instead, if you actually want to buy me something (you do), you can buy me all the Johnny Cash posters Hatch Gallery sells. You could also buy me posters from Stanley Mouse. But absolutely no knick knacks or other hard goods. Thanks! You're welcome!


Check with me first because I only need one of each.
 OK. Now that we have that out of the way, I had better get some content up here that is both fascinating and hilarious, so I have decided to give you a glimpse into my life through pictures. These were all taken within the last couple weeks and should give you a better idea of just how bitchin' I actually am. Really. This is all about me. Not you. It's my damn birthday people! Read it and weep! Moving right along!

8) It's VERY weird living in a red state!
To be fair, this is not the silliest display I've seen, but it IS a PT Cruiser!
I cannot tell a lie, when it comes to social issues I can only be described as liberal. So getting slapped down in the middle of the fucking bible belt is really blowing my mind! Not to make a blanket statement about everyone in Central PA, I think it can be safely said that the racism in this area is the worst I have ever seen! It's mind blowingly overt. It seems that many of the natives don't know that Pennsylvania fought on the NORTHERN side of the Civil War. If I were a slave and escaped into PA I would probably have given some thought to the idea of escaping BACK into slavery so I wouldn't have to deal with the ignorant fucks that live here. That said there are a lot of good people here, though I am planning on fighting on the black side if it comes down to a race war. And if you are upset that I am sort of linking the GOP to racism with this little rant, yes.


7) Jesus is here (sort of)

I don't know if this stuff is for sale, but you could buy it for my birthday too!
As far as I know lot's of people here go to church. Maybe that is why they are scared of our half white president taking their guns and forcing them to get gay married. I honestly don't know. It has been fun though, because I work with two guys who are so scared of the number 666 that when one of them bought $6.66 worth of food with a $20 bill he left the change because he was terrified of damnation. Another guy was telling us about his Easter service during which his pastor told the (totally untrue) story about Winston Churchill getting his life saved twice by Sir Alexander Fleming. It was special. As soon as he started telling us that BS I knew it had to be fake. I've done 30 years of steady churchin' so my BS detector is highly tuned. Anyway, this is the day to day. VERY fun.

NOTE: HOLY SHIT! I AM IN BARNES AND NOBLE AND THEY ARE HAVING A BOOK READING IN THE KIDS SECTION. THAT IS NOT CRAZY, BUT THE FACT THAT THEY JUST SANG THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER IS. NOW THEY ARE SINGING GOD BLESS AMERICA! FUCK ME DEAD! WHERE THE HELL AM I?????

NOT HERE MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!!! DON'T TREAD ON ME BITCH!!

6) Smoking/No Smoking!

I didn't move these.
I found this while walking the other day and I knew I had to take a picture. I think I will let you fend for yourself on this one.

5) Cranberry Court

The trial was juicy!
This is not totally insane, but it made me think it was either a place where fruit is judged by a jury of their peers, or a mid-80's British TV series full of whacky pratfalls and rollickingly deadpan humor.


4) POWER UP!!!

I just realized that this is a plumbing fixture. Very Meta.
Not much else to say except that when you move to a city and it already has a Mario fire hydrant, you take the bad with the good.

3) The trains

Also everything is blue here
I need trains in my life and Harrisburg is a major hub. Not only does Amtrak stop here, but there are several major freight lines too. I can see piggy back freight trains go by several times a day and I go to sleep to the pounding of steel on steel. It makes perfect sense that I would stay.

2) Lloyd Bridges

At the very least a very good look-alike!
One of the first things I noticed about this place was the bridges spanning the Susquahanna River. It is over a mile wide at points and though it is not deep it is still mighty. This picture was taken from an old train bridge that is out of commision. So I go hang out on it every chance I get. There is a shopping cart at the base and I use it as a basketball hoop with rocks! Seriously ladies, I am single!

1) Jeff Bridges

Dead Ringer!!!!
Yeah, really this is the same entry as above, it's sunny and I am much more motivated to go hang out with my half white friend and play guitar. In fact that is exactly what I am going to do now. Not even going to splele cheew;fuohck thsajdyhsd sdjks dkjdfhfd sfaf.ssfj nsdmfnsdj fjhdg sd,FN kdFHBS,DBC>DC KDJC DCB CDB