I apologize for all formatting issues in advance. My intention was to finish with a few pictures of men who look like old lesbians but they insisted on going at the beginning and I lack the energy to move them now. Also BEFORE YOU READ ON THE INTENTION OF THE PIECE IS TO BE SLIGHTLY SELF- DEPRECATING AND FUNNY! IF YOU GET OFFENDED ITS PROBABLY YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT! BUT I STILL WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND! ALSO THERE IS A LOT OF CUSSING IN THIS DAMN BASTARD RIGHT HERE! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!!!!!!!!
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| I INVENTED Lilith Fair! |
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| I'm so butch I have TWO Subaru's! |
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| Without me there is no KD Lang! |
I am sitting in the kitchen of a
partially renovated 1920's two storey, wood framed house in Woodland
Washington. I hadn't planned to be here. Just one month ago I was
boarding a flight on Singapore Airlines from Sydney Australia to
Singapore, Singapore (I guess that's what you would say). It would
take me almost forty hours before I landed in San Francisco to find
that the guitar case that has traveled around the world three times
with me had finally met it's end, somewhere over the Pacific. It
didn't matter because I didn't lost the toy train my friend The Coach
gave me. And he also gave me the nickname “Buzzsaw” which I can
never lose. By the way, no one calls me that. I only use it because
The Coach is, in his own words “a fuckin' folk hero in Redmond.”
Well back to the project at hand. What
I set out to do today was to convince a lesbian friend of mine to
take me to a Hollywood Premiere instead of her partner. It may seem
counter intuitive, seeing as how I am a straight male, but as I am a
master of making shit up, I believe I can make a fair case.
A FEW WORDS OF WARNING!!!!!!!
Hi everyone, Buzzsaw here! Just so you
know, I recently spent a year in Australia, and that shit changes a
person. Specifically, in the CUSSING DEPARTMENT!!!! In Australia, the
people I knew used filthy, filthy language. As I was already a Huge
Fan of THE CUSSING DEPARTMENT I picked it up right out of the gate.
So, in the course of this argument, if (when) I use the words: Fuck,
Motherfucker, Bitch-ass, Fuckin' Lezzo, Motherfuckin' shit, and cunt,
remember, they must be said using an Australian accent, at which
point they become somewhat less offensive (if you are MORALLY
BANKRUPT like me!). Also, if you hadn't figured it out, lezzo means
lesbian in Australian. I will make extensive use of the term from
here on out. So without further ado; 10 reasons my lesbian friend
should take me to a Hollywood Premiere instead of her partner:
[Note: I took a break from writing to
tear out the bathroom floor. Then I went outside to look at the
property in the light. It blew my mind that within a 75 meter radius
from this house there are at least 10 different species of tree.
Maple, alder, spruce, pine, fir, birch and willow (plus a bunch I
don't care about). Anyway, nice to be home and see the old familiar
trees and mountains.]
10: The Indigo Girls
First of all, from what I know of The
Indigo Girls' music, I mostly hate it. The only real experience I
have had with it has been on Adult Contemporary Radio formatting and
in a couple of terrible jam sessions in California. Not that all of
the jam sessions were terrible, but the times when we were all
jamming on Indigo Girls hits was indeed the stuff deep wounds to the
soul are made of. The thing about jam sessions while camping is that
everyone who wants to sing gets a turn. When the third fucking Indigo
Girls song comes up, walk away slowly and find a better jam.
I am certain at this point my reader is
wondering how, if I don't like the Indigo Girls at in any way, I am
going to convince a lesbian that she should do me a favor. What my
reader doesn't know is that I have friends. Indeed I have two friends in particular who once paddled a canoe from the Ballard Locks
to Pier 70, the waterfront in downtown Seattle. On this particular
evening, the Indigo Girls were getting ready to play for a rabid
crowd of lezzo's (and whoever the fuck else listens to the damn
Indigo Girls). Unfortunately for the multi-dog owner and mullet
crowd, part of the stage set decided to escape the bullshit music and
got blown into the water. This is where my friend comes in and where
I turn the tables on you.
Seeing that a couple of dudes just
happened to be paddling around by the foam dog (or whatever the hell
it was) the stage manger asked if the could retrieve it. Naturally,
not wanting to suffer the wrath of the Indigo Heads they paddled over
and got it, essentially saving the night. The crew was so happy that
to express their gratitude they gave the canoe team entry into the
exclusive back stage area! So, for the next 45 minutes they ate
hummus (I assume) and “rocked out” to the soft and lilting,
bullshit music of The Indigo Girls. That's right, I have friend's who
not only saved the day for The Indigo Girls, but were deemed enough
of a lezzo's that they were allowed to share the backstage hummus and
organic pear cider (I assume) while watching soft rock glory from
stage right. So there you go! Reason number 10! Very strong argument
already! Convincing!
- Lavender Wedding
As you know if you actually read what I
wrote at the top of the page (I bet there is some sort of fetish with
reading lists from the bottom to top, or starting at 9) that I was in
Australia for a little over a year recently. Without divulging too
much personal information, I was in a relationship which didn't end
up working out. The problem was that I sort of liked Australia and
would have stayed if I could get a visa. Fortunately as a welder
fabricator I fit into the requirements for a “skilled trade” work
visa. Unfortunately I don't at all fit into the requirements of
having almost $40,000 in cash. This left me with only one reasonable
option. Marry a lesbian.
Now some of you might argue that there
are actually more options than that. If you think that, you're dumb.
Marrying an Australian lesbian is a perfect idea. What with
pre-nuptial agreements it is almost risk free! Of course we would
have to kiss at the wedding, but I have soft, pouty lips and am
willing to disguise myself as a lesbian if it makes her more
comfortable. In fact, I am willing to learn an Indigo Girls song to
play at the service! I would even go so far as to live in a house
with 6 or however many dogs she has! If she wanted I would be her
designated driver whenever she wanted to go to “Lickerish” the
new lesbian wine bar! I would be the best lavender married husband
ever! So there it is, another score for the Buzzman! Any lezzo's
reading this are definitely losing there resolve and feeling the need
to take me to the HOLLYWOOD PREMIER!!!!
- Isadora Duncan
Yes I know what you are thinking.
Isadora Duncan? That's more of a gay thing! Well sure, but can't we
all get along? I mean, it's 2012 and gay weddings are on the ballot.
We have to all be working together. If I am pulling some gay male
shit out of my ass (intended ass joke) I think we need to look at
that as identifying with all gay culture in general. It's like white
rappers or something. But back to Isadora Duncan...
In 2003 I was at Central Washington
University taking a jewelry and metal smithing course in the art
department. The professor was a bad ass I always refer to in my mind
as Gay Keith. He's gay. Anyhow, he was really the first gay person I
had ever known, and to be honest, prior to that, I would say I was
not really comfortable with gay people and probably a bit of a
fucking bigot. Now of course when I actually got the chance to study
under a master metal smith who happened to like man ass, I found that
he was actually a human being, and not only that, sassy as hell! His
lectures were funnier than shit, especially when he would drop lines
like “Kevin Spacey is such a queer!” during class. On top of that
he taught me more in two classes than I learned in two normal ones.
Way more.
One day he was showing us how to use
the buffing wheel and we were talking safety. He was going through
how not to get your hair caught in the machine and dropped this line:
“And don't where a scarf or you'll end up snapping your neck like
Isadora Duncan!” At this point I cracked up, having read some on
modern dance history but I realized I was the only one. I was the
gayest person in the room besides Gay Keith, who obviously was gayer.
That was one of the moments in life where time slows and the clouds
part, and a beam of light hits you while Charleton Heston's voice
says: “Faaaaaaaaaaag!”
It feels really good to be "with the gay's" sometimes.
- Gay Weddin's!
Yesterday I did what Puff Daddy and
Beonce would want me to do. I voted. Of course the only reason I did
was to A) not get my ass shot by Diddy and B) accelerate our
impending doom via ANTI CHRIST because I think it would be fucking
awesome if it actually happened. Also on the ballot were some
bullshit I didn't understand, decriminalizing marijuana and gay
marriage. Of course if I could have voted “fuck yes” on the weed
one I would have, and not being retarded, I voted yes for gay
marriage (if you didn't vote yes for the gays don't be offended, I
just think you have your head up your ass!).
Assuredly there is going to be some
reader who is thinking “hey you ass-hat, how can I be retarded for
believing that marriage is between one man and one woman, and you are
straight throwin' around the fuckin' 'tard word like it's not
offensive at all!???”
To that I would say, because it was
sort of meant to be a double sided joke in which I am letting you in
on the fact that I am A) not perfect B) can be a bit of a bastard and
C) just like the word “retard”!!!
In reality though, I am not in favor of
gay marriage. What?????!!! How can this be????!!!!! Truth be told I
am against marriage period. I don't give a fuck about yours or
anybody else's marriage. You want to know what fucking sucks? Hearing
people talk about their marriage, their mother in law, or any other
bullshit related. I fucking hate weddings, except for the food, the
last thing I want is more fucking weddings! For fuck sake, why don't
we just get rid of the whole fucking institution! Personally I
believe that if you are committed to someone else in a relationship
built on however you define love, you don't need anybody else's
fucking approval! Fuck that!
I grew up in a christian home and for
almost my entire adult life have been actively involved in various
churches while I tried to come to an understanding of the spiritual
world through the lens of Christianity. During this time I have heard
A LOT about marriage. In fact I have wanted to marry a few different
women over the years. The point I am trying to get out is that for
some reason people in the Christian community (and probably
elsewhere; I am just going with personal experience) often believe
that getting married is “showing commitment” and somehow that
means you should marry. But in my personal opinion it seems that a
couple who is committed to each other, and never gets married is in
fact more committed. It's a hell of a lot easier (simply in the legal
department) to end a relationship if you don't have to think about
the ramifications of divorce. So reader, do what the hell you want to
do, but just try to make your partner's life better. Fuck what anyone
else thinks.
[Fast forward people! Get on board the
train! I am now in Graham Washington in a house made of Lincoln logs!
It seriously looks like a movie set here with the antlers on the wall
and the wood stove for heat which I stoked not 7 minutes ago! Last
Saturday I was in Portland recording my song Rhinestone Rosie with a
Martin D-28 and a choir of angels. But the train moved on because my
engineer Caleb had a tragedy in the family. His 92 year old
grandma died. Which is hilarious because my 92 year old grandma died
the week before! Ha! But mine wins because she was actually older.
Anyway, let's get back to the action!]
6) IT'S 2010 DAMN IT!
Of course most discerning readers will
know that it is actually 2012 or something. That is of little
importance. What I am getting at is the fact that in 2010 I was gay
bashed for the first time and with more alarming frequency than ever
before. This of course happened when I owned the only Twilight PhotoBooth in Forks WA. Now of course the rednecks who would yell things
like “FAGGOT!” and FUCKING FAGGOT!” out the windows of their
trucks were by far the minority in the town. It's actually a really
great place (because of the people, not because of the ugly ass
architecture and lack of quaint, tree lined streets I associate with
small town America).
Now mind you, in my high school days I
was a real dick who would have probably done the same thing if a damn
look-alike showed up with some sweet ass moves! What I really learned
from the whole thing is that gay people get treated like shit for no
reason at all! What the fuck is that about?!!! For fucks sake people
it's 2010 people don't you think its a bit strange to still be gay
bashing?! What the fuck is the next move, threshing wheat or some
shit? Maybe we should all get bicycles with a big front wheel and
watch some fucking black-face comedy too!
As far as I'm concerned the most
offensive part about the whole thing (except how actual gay people
get treated sometimes) was the lack of creativity! The whole summer
all I ever heard was “queer” “faggot” and “fucking gay ass
Edward!” which was sort of depressing. I just wanted someone to
call me a fucking cock nozzle or even a jizz hound! The best thing
that ever happened was when three kids in a truck all flipped me off
at the same time! They were so synchronized that it could have been
in the damn Olympics! Funny thing is that I started laughing and I saw
one of the kids crack a smile at that, which gives me hope! So that
right there is a good reason to take me to a HollyWOOD PREMIERE!!!
5) Lesbian Helper
No, it's not an alternative lifestyle
version of Hamburger Helper I'm talking about (though I am sure there
is some sort of fetish online that actually is that). What I mean is
that during the course of my adventures with “the whole Twilight
thing” I have been helped out by innumerable LEZZO'S. Right out of
the gate on an early scouting trip to La Push a lesbian couple
brought me my guitar after I left it at their campsite (yes,
drunkenly being a hobo again). All throughout the summer I kept
running into really great lezzos who were nothing but kind. So I
guess maybe they sensed my own inner Lezzo or something (because
obviously gay people are only nice to other gay people right?).
Now I don't want to upset my lesbian
friends lesbian partner by making her worry that I will be in “FULL
SEDUCTION MODE” because that's not how I roll. The whole thing will
be TOTALLY SEX FREE. I promise. Sort of. Actually fuck that. No
promises.
4) Ellen Degeneres
Yep, that's right, I may be getting two
tickets to The Ellen Show, so I figure I would reciprocate the
kindness if I did get them. What kind of lezzo would my lesbian
friend be if she did not want to go to Ellen? I mean shit, that's
like a lesbian version of Graceland or something right? I personally
think it's a pretty good trade!
In other news, I have tried to get on
The Ellen Show and have also received an e-mail from them. Of course
it's a stock fucking email but shit! An ACTUAL EMAIL FROM ELLEN! SORT
OF! So yeah, take me to the damn event already!
3) Concert
Sorry to be serious, but I'll keep it
short. If my friend takes me I will do a personal concert for her as
well as regale her with crazy ass stories I am putting in the book.
Since 2010 I have recorded and produced two full length albums of
original songs, 13 long form podcasts, 60 short ones, a handfull ofvideos and almost a full book's worth of BS Reports. What I'm saying
is that entertainment won't be a problem.
2) I REALLY NEED A FUCKING
BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So my cards are on the table and I'm
begging now. PLEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAASEEEE! PUUUUUUUUPPPPYY
DDDOOOOOOOOOGGGGGGGG EYESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!! GIVE IT TOOOOO
MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED! I
NNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDD! I'LLLL WAAAAAAAAAAAAAALK AAAAAALLLLLL
YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOURRRRRRRRR DOOOOOOOOOOOOGGGGGGSSSSSSSS!!!!
So yes, we have already established the
fact that all lesbians own lots of dogs, and I am here to say that
I'll walk those pooches all over! I'm good as hell at walking and
though I'm not a “Dog Man” myself, I'll bit that bullet. But back
to the begging.
To be totally honest, I'm broke as hell
and I need to get a publishing deal. Hell, If Fifty Shades of Gay got
published, surely an insane story written by a guy who has made
Robert Pattinsons dad do a double take should be publishable. In
fact, it's easier to get published writing memoirs than doing
anything else. I mean come on!
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| This was a damn close call, but the bastard never looked up! |
Crazy Story Time!!!!!
It was May 2010 and I was just about to
start my adventure and I ran into my old co-worker from OlssonManufacturing, Kris Kross. We decided that the best thing we could do
would be to drink beer at the horseshoe pits at Green Lake in
Seattle. So we did. While we were there a couple of dudes came up
(one of whom was M.C. Hammer) and they were a bit drunk. As soon as I
walked past M.C. Hammer twidentified the ever lovin' shit out of me!
“Hey! Your that damn Twilight guy aren't you! I saw you on Ellen!”
and so forth. I actually had a hard time convincing M.C. Hammer that
I wasn't. Needless to say I drank a few beers with M.C. Hammer after
that!
Of course a discerning reader would
probably ask why I didn't stay in contact with M.C. Hammer after
that. I mean he has to have a Twitter right? Well rest assured, I
follow MC Hammer on Twitter and it's great! Not quite Mike Tyson
great, but still really cool! The rub here is that the M.C. Hammer I
met was a white guy named Michael Clark Hammer. He rolled up his damn
sleeve and showed me a tattoo, so I think the story is legit. 2 Legit
actually.
1) THERE IS NO LESBIAN WITHOUT ME!!!!
It's right there in the name. Les B
IAN! Yeah! Put that in your collective pipes! Now every time a
lesbian thinks about the word lesbian (which I imagine is probably
all they think about, those people) my face will come floating
through their thought bubbles! Probably actually this single reason
is enough to warrant taking my broke ass to the HollyWOOODDDD
PREMIEREEEE!!!!! Oh yeah, and it would also be funnier than fucking
hell!
Dedicated to my friend Shelly. Love the
Buzzard. The end.
Postscript: I have procrastinated the
hell out of this, but I sure hope she fucking takes me. Plus, I
consider myself “a good lay” if the shit hits the fan and she
turns straight.
11) I am possibly part gay myself
Now I don't mean that in a “I kind of
like man ass when I'm drunk” way, I like to think I'm sort of
“progressive” though. What I'm getting at is this. Because I have
never “really liked dick” I consider myself a flaming
heterosexual. That said, there will always be a 15% “FUDGE FACTOR”!
I mean, some people think you can turn gay, so I want to allow myself
some “room to grow” or whatever the hell the kids are sayin'!
True Story:
Back in the day I was painting for a
real son of a bitch. One day at the job site, I told the crew I was
90% straight and being painters, they freaked the fuck out! Which is
one of the reasons I have sort of always been the weird guy on the
construction sites, reading books and not having kids in my early
20's and shit! OK, so now I think I'm really done and I leave you
with a few pictures of men who look like old lesbians. Because that's
probably me some day. Love Barnes. The End.
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| DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY DOGS I OWN??? |
LAST REASON FINAL ANSWER: I have neglected to mention that Shelley is in fact going to be in my book if it gets published. So that right there is a good reason to take me. She and I will get famous together if she likes. NOW TAKE ME TO THE MOVIES! LOVE BAZZA
