Craigslist Nightmares! Harrisburg PA!!!

If you didn't know, I recently spent 8 days in New York City and I am now heading south on an Amtrak train. It was good to go to New York because my only other experience in the Big Peach or whatever they call it was on The 8th Grade Trip; during which my time was spent trying to buy switchblade knives and look at boobies. I also fell asleep during one whole act of Phantom of The Opera and missed another due to dysentery (or something). Now, as an adult I could really maximize my switchblade buying skills! Sadly, I quickly learned that I was meant for a smaller, less polluted pond, and now I am bound for Harrisburg PA, on the way to Charleston SC and Chattanooga TN. So in order to acquaint myself with this new town, I went straight to Craigslist to see what the local perverts were up to!

HEY PENNSYLVANIA PERVS! I"M LOOKING FOR YOU!!!!!

 As per typical BS report standards, when I have pictures from the posts themselves I will use them and mark them as such. Today most of my findings did not so I will try to add a few pictures from my personal collection to make things fun. So buckle your seat belts, and let's get started!

6) Someone to relax with - m4w - 24 (Mechanics burg)

I like to watch movies and tv shows on Netflix to relax before and after work. I work a second shift job, 2:30 to 11:00. The only thing is I'd really like someone to enjoy it with me. This isn't about sex, that would be kind of hard with the 3 dogs anyway. I do live with my parents and my brother, yes I live with my parents, I'm trying to save some money to purchase a home. But enough back story. I'm just looking for someone to come over sometime between 9 and 12 to just watch Netflix with me and we can just relax before a hectic day of work. I'm a nice guy, and bit shy at first, I open up and I'm funny as I get to know you. If you've got some free time and don't mind 3 dogs hanging around us send me an email. 

What does it mean?

To begin with, this is about SEX. SEX and DOGS! DOGS WHO WILL BE WATCHING! There is also the distinct possibility that his parents and brother will be listening WHILE YOU ARE HAVING SEX TO NETFLIX!!!! WHILE THE DOGS HOWL AND STARE!!!!!! Also, are you ready for your morning sex? With THREE DOGS WATCHING? Lastly, there is no question that this guy has a terrible smelling room. With dog hair everywhere! Go for it ladies!!!!

You don't mind three dogs do you? I've been told I look like Ben Stiller too!

 

 

5) Fun and ticklish? - ww4ww - 29 (central Harrisburg)

Hi, Looking to see if by chance there are any other women who might be into pretty ticklish women? we are looking for all types, If you are a gal who thinks being tickled by another woman or tickling another gal would be fun then we need you, basically shooting fun tickling videos and are looking for girls or girlfriends who might think this would be a fun opportunity,, anyways, hope to hear from everyone interested:) these are alot of fun,, hurry and write us girls! the more ticklish the better,,Oh and if you have cute ticklish feet, even better,,haha

What does it mean? 
OK, we all know what it means. Moving right along...

Yes I know they didn't specify "Asian" but it's a pretty safe bet they just forgot to say it! HEE HEEE!!

 

4) I just want to cuddle!! - m4w - 25 (Harrisburg)

I know this is bad because I am involved with someone. It is very rare that we cuddle though! :-(
I am NOT looking for sex, I am looking for someone that wouldn't mind layng down and watching a movie.. sitting on the couch and watching a movie, having a conversation..
I am 420 friendly, I do also drink at times..
I'm 5'9. About 130lbs.

Change subject to "i'll cuddle with you"

Race, size, height doesn't matter!! Send at least 2 NONNUDE pics plz 

What does it mean?

This post has a lot going on. To begin with, cuddling is another word for sex. Probably rough sex. Second, he starts the post talking about his relationship, so STD's are most likely involved. This could be a wonderful opportunity! Then he says "I am NOT looking for sex" which means "I AM LOOKING FOR KINKY, KINKY SEX! Of course you have the option of having the sex with him while either lying down or sitting on the couch. He will be both drunk and high so your conversations ought to be fun as hell! Also this guy is skin and bones, so if you do cuddle it is bound to be a bit uncomfortable. Lastly, SEND NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDDDDDDEEEEEE PIIIIIICCCCCSSS!!!! NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDDDDDDDDEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YEAH LADIES, MY RIDE DOES HAVE A SPOILER! THANKS FOR ASKING!

3) Hang out? Hot tub? - m4w - 31 (Harrisburg)

Any women out there 18 to 40 want to come over tonight and hang out? We can have a few drinks...shoot some pool....hit my hot tub...just hang out and bullshit. This is not a ploy for sex! As i'm sure that's what most of you are thinking. NO sex! Just hanging out..meeting a new friend...... 

What does it mean?

THIS IS A PLOY FOR THE SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HELP! MY HAND IS BECOMING A DESK!!! NOW IT WONT FIT IN THE HOT TUB! (real picture from post)

 

 

2) Access to a hot tub - m4mw - 44 (Hershey/Palmyra/Annville)

Would like to have access to someone's hot tub to soak with my girlfriend. Must be discreet so my wife doesn't find out. Would not use very often, but once in a while would be nice to be able to hang out with her. You can join as well, but no looking into a swinging situation. Thanks

What does it mean?

Yes. You have just been asked if some guy can come to your house and bang his girlfriend in your hot tub. It doesn't look like you get anything out of it either, perhaps you get to watch though. And you can't tell the wife! It seems like a great deal, and if there is a hot tub where I am staying I am replying. Sometimes the deals on here are just great!

Could you please clean it before we come over? Thanks!

  

  

1) looking to trade wifes photos for email - 32

We recently left Comcast and my wife liked their email service, plus we watched their streaming content online. We would be willing to trade photos for an @comcast.net email account. Photos of her or photos of us together, you choose. Use the word 'comcast' in your reply or it goes into the spam folder automatically. 

What does it mean?

This couple just really loves Comcast email. A LOT.

I'm sooo hot for Comcast... (real picture from post)

 So in closing, let's just say I am more than a little excited to be arriving in Harrisburg! Love Buzz!

Wolf Dung-a short part of the book I'm working on

“Do you want some healthy chocolates?”

Of course the answer was yes! I was standing next to our counter and a giant was leaning over me. Norman was at least 6’6”, his silver hair and beard framing his face. He was big. An ex-Olympic archery coach. We had met him through Sergei the young Russian who kept coming in to our shop with bizarre proposals to help make our shop even weirder than it already was. We realized that we had been seeing his mini-van around town too. It's hard to miss a Dodge Caravan with a massive drum tied to the roof. Norman was also a drum maker.

So healthy it's all you need to eat!

 I had first seen Norm as he was navigating our hall while it was packed with Twilighters and I was busy taking pictures. He had watched the goings on and disappeared like a phantom until it had quieted down. He came back with Sergei and we learned that he was in town for awhile and was interested in getting into the Twilight business. His angle was the wolves.

 He thought the market for their fans was still untapped. It was true, they were just as popular as the vampires in Twilight, but the town was not doing much to make those fans happy. As for the Quileutte tribe, they had not really gotten into the merchandise thing, so it was a great opportunity to make some cash. I was interested in hearing what he had to say.

Norman was right about the fact that the wolf market was being largely ignored, but his ideas about capturing it left something to be desired. He was an artist, musician,  archery instructor, and vendor of healthy chocolates but based on the conversation we had, I think his marketing skills were somewhat limited. Lucky for me he had no idea and was eager to share his ideas! 

“If you climb way up to the top of the Doug firs, the needles are soft and green and they are at their most fragrant stage.”

Sergei was smiling from the chair while Norman explained his idea. It was clear they had been talking about it before they came by.

“So you climb up and you pick the needles, and you make a perfume out of it!”

Normans eyes were gleaming as he spoke in a soft baritone voice which conveyed his seriousness.

“We’ll make a fragrance line out of it, and we will call it ‘Wolf Dung!’ that way all the fans of the werewolves will want it!”

Not feeling up to explaining the marketing disaster which awaited the future makers of “Wolf Dung” perfume, I hinted that it may have to get FDA approved. Norman assured me that since it was natural you would not have to do that. I managed to move the subject along before I was offered the opportunity to get involved with the Wolf Dung project. Though it tempted me greatly to become involved in the coolest failed business ever, I was somehow able to avoid inking a deal with Stormin' Norman. It may be one of the great regrets of my life.

I'm all slathered up in Wolf Dung and just ate 53 healthy chocolates. Not that you can tell from the picture.

 Norman hung around Forks for a couple weeks, being awesome, huge and mysterious. It was easy to spot him driving around because the drums were probably 4 feet in diameter. Most of our time together was spent talking, he liked to drop by the shop when we weren't busy. Norman liked to tell us about the sound systems he had installed in various stadiums and he always came well stocked with healthy chocolates. I wish I had asked him more about the archery coaching but I am simply glad we were able to meet.

It was heartening to hear that big Norman liked the way I was doing my business. He said it was good that I made sure that the kids were comfortable, and also looked over at the parents to make sure they were happy. Most people don't take the time to consider the potential problems that could happen when your entire business is posing with strangers who view you as a sex symbol and celebrity, that someone was paying attention was great, plus WOLF DUNG!

Normans van was parked out back with the drum on top a couple weeks later. We all had a smoke and I told him about an available store front. Sergei and Norm were being pretty mysterious about why they were looking, but it was a fun game to play trying to pick Normans brain. He had an enormous head so I assume he had a brain to match, so long as he was not naming fragrance lines. We shook hands, his giant paw engulfing mine. It was the last I saw of him until I saw him driving south on US 101, he waved goodbye, and as he disappeared I realized the mini van was missing a significant accessory.

“I wonder what Norman did with those drums?” I asked Lando.

We found out the next day when I went to Lappelle's gift shop. The giant drums were outside. Silent, as if mourning the loss of Wolf Dung Inc, the drums waited until they would resound triumphant at the product launch. Goodbye Norman, show me that Wolf Dung money!