I know, it's actually not my birthday. That was just another in the long series of lies and half truths which is The BS Report. To be fair, my birthday is in two days, and there is a strong chance that I will be busy, so let's meet halfway and consider it my birthday for the next month or so. I don't want any of you people (beautiful people) to miss it and feel like festering boils on the face of humanity (if you miss it you should though).
My original intent was to make a long list of things you can buy me, but I am way too lazy so instead, if you actually want to buy me something (you do), you can buy me all the
Johnny Cash posters Hatch Gallery sells. You could also buy me
posters from Stanley Mouse. But absolutely no knick knacks or other hard goods. Thanks! You're welcome!
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| Check with me first because I only need one of each. |
OK. Now that we have that out of the way, I had better get some content up here that is both fascinating and hilarious, so I have decided to give you a glimpse into my life through pictures. These were all taken within the last couple weeks and should give you a better idea of just how bitchin' I actually am. Really. This is all about me. Not you. It's my damn birthday people! Read it and weep! Moving right along!
8) It's VERY weird living in a red state!
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| To be fair, this is not the silliest display I've seen, but it IS a PT Cruiser! |
I cannot tell a lie, when it comes to social issues I can only be described as liberal. So getting slapped down in the middle of the fucking bible belt is really blowing my mind! Not to make a blanket statement about everyone in Central PA, I think it can be safely said that the racism in this area is the worst I have ever seen! It's mind blowingly overt. It seems that many of the natives don't know that Pennsylvania fought on the NORTHERN side of the Civil War. If I were a slave and escaped into PA I would probably have given some thought to the idea of escaping BACK into slavery so I wouldn't have to deal with the ignorant fucks that live here. That said there are a lot of good people here, though I am planning on fighting on the black side if it comes down to a race war. And if you are upset that I am sort of linking the GOP to racism with this little rant, yes.
7) Jesus is here (sort of)
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| I don't know if this stuff is for sale, but you could buy it for my birthday too! |
As far as I know lot's of people here go to church. Maybe that is why they are scared of our half white president taking their guns and forcing them to get gay married. I honestly don't know. It has been fun though, because I work with two guys who are so scared of the number 666 that when one of them bought $6.66 worth of food with a $20 bill he left the change because he was terrified of damnation. Another guy was telling us about his Easter service during which his pastor told the
(totally untrue) story about Winston Churchill getting his life saved twice by Sir Alexander Fleming. It was special. As soon as he started telling us that BS I knew it had to be fake. I've done 30 years of steady churchin' so my BS detector is highly tuned. Anyway, this is the day to day. VERY fun.
NOTE: HOLY SHIT! I AM IN BARNES AND NOBLE AND THEY ARE HAVING A BOOK READING IN THE KIDS SECTION. THAT IS NOT CRAZY, BUT THE FACT THAT THEY JUST SANG THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER IS. NOW THEY ARE SINGING GOD BLESS AMERICA! FUCK ME DEAD! WHERE THE HELL AM I?????
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| NOT HERE MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!!! DON'T TREAD ON ME BITCH!! |
6) Smoking/No Smoking!
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| I didn't move these. |
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I found this while walking the other day and I knew I had to take a picture. I think I will let you fend for yourself on this one.
5) Cranberry Court
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| The trial was juicy! |
This is not totally insane, but it made me think it was either a place where fruit is judged by a jury of their peers, or a mid-80's British TV series full of whacky pratfalls and rollickingly deadpan humor.
4) POWER UP!!!
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| I just realized that this is a plumbing fixture. Very Meta. |
Not much else to say except that when you move to a city and it already has a Mario fire hydrant, you take the bad with the good.
3) The trains
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| Also everything is blue here |
I need trains in my life and Harrisburg is a major hub. Not only does Amtrak stop here, but there are several major freight lines too. I can see piggy back freight trains go by several times a day and I go to sleep to the pounding of steel on steel. It makes perfect sense that I would stay.
2) Lloyd Bridges
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| At the very least a very good look-alike! |
One of the first things I noticed about this place was the bridges spanning the Susquahanna River. It is over a mile wide at points and though it is not deep it is still mighty. This picture was taken from an old train bridge that is out of commision. So I go hang out on it every chance I get. There is a shopping cart at the base and I use it as a basketball hoop with rocks! Seriously ladies, I am single!
1) Jeff Bridges
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| Dead Ringer!!!! |
Yeah, really this is the same entry as above, it's sunny and I am much more motivated to go hang out with my half white friend and play guitar. In fact that is exactly what I am going to do now. Not even going to splele cheew;fuohck thsajdyhsd sdjks dkjdfhfd sfaf.ssfj nsdmfnsdj fjhdg sd,FN kdFHBS,DBC>DC KDJC DCB CDB
