OK, now I know I have a problem...

So as I procrastinate again, I should go for a bike ride its a beautiful day, instead I turn to the internet to provide my entertainment, which I hope I can in turn, provide entertainment with. Once I regurgitate it. OK, so I am loving the platonic ads, because as I mentioned, they are so much more than just platonic. I don't know why I am so interested in this sort of thing, perhaps because I am jobless and have no girlfriend, so I like to see what others are doing, in hopes that I can get one myself. Of course I am fully convinced that the people posting on Craigslist would be good role models. How else could you be so cavalier as to think that your random little advertisement would work? You would only do it if you knew it did. Otherwise you would get suckered into paying for a dating service. That is what all the truly crazy people do. All the smart ones go to the free site, and pretend to be insane, thus solving all their problems. At least I think that is how it works. [I am currently in the second draft stage of at least 14 different potential posts, when I am truly happy with the language, they will be going online] So just to show you how easy it is, I am going to show you one of the posts I used to get a LOT of dates. And remember, it was in the platonic section. That is where everyone in the know always looks. So here is what I posted:

Just a friend to trust a few secrets - m4w - 30 (Deerfield )

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Date: 2010-10-10, 2:44AM EDT
Hi. Don't know really why I'm doing this. But I guess I'll spill my guts Honestly I have no one that I can talk to or trust. My life is complicated and overtime I lost who I really am. I'm not trying to find someone to bother with my problems but to be an scape from everything. I do value friendship and I admit I believe in love probably I am a hopeless romantic. Anyway I hope someone find this interesting enough. Email me and I will send you my pic. Thanks. :)

The first thing you should notice is that I used some key words that will peak the interest of any woman. Friend, how many times have you been told what a great friend you make. You use this to make her feel like it is just something "platonic" and that of course that is all that is intended. When in reality it could not be farther from the truth. Trust. This one is of utmost import. It is the top dog in relationship babble. Trust do you trust me? Hell no! Not when you are holding that gun babe, now just put the gun down, OK, just put it down [grab] OK now I trust you! Secrets! Aha, bingo, now she is hooked. It is like waving a loaded crack pipe in front of a junkie! There is no way she can resist. She thinks she is going to get some kind of scoop or gossip, when in reality, she is going to be getting some top-secret loving! The secret is "we just had sex my platonic friend!" Hurray! Now this posting is almost overloaded with the perfect language. Honestly. Trust. Friendship. Hopeless romantic. It is like releasing an a-bomb onto the web. It is so good it could cause a chain reaction, and possibly destroy the internet! Which is why I changed it. I was scared of the consequences. So if you want to write the perfect post. Simply send me you bank account information, your PIN number, and any credit cards that have not been maxed out, and I will write it for you!

Note: This piece is a joke and Buzzsaw did not write the craigslist post. He was in fact scared by it which is perhaps why during the course of the blog he tried to claim authorship. Also, he is really really jealous. Because he is just sitting around. And at least the author will have e-mails to answer, as well as secrets to tell. Seriously, I did not write it. I am much crazier than that and could never have thought of it. And if the posting appears in Seattle, it is probably because whoever wrote it moved here. And it is highly likely that he will. I think. Oh, I hear the doorbell, gotta go.

CAN YOU COOK?

Due to my inactivity I am starting to get cold inside the house. As I am actively trying to save money I am not using the heat. I think this might be my cue to go to the public library and let you taxpayers pay for the heat! Sorry to beat the same dead horse but I have been having a blast looking at Craigslist posts. Not that I have only been looking at Craigslist, far from it. I spent OVER AN HOUR researching bigfoot/sasquatch sightings last night. Of course because I live in a target rich area (the Pacific Northwest has a rich history of hominid sightings), I am perhaps more passionate than some of my readers, but I digress. I had never looked in the platonic relationship section of Craigslist before yesterday, and I found it to be a bountiful treasure trove of delights. Probably the reason it is so funny is that it seems like the overwhelming majority of the postings are simply disguised as "platonic" when in fact they are exactly the opposite. If you doubt me (and if you are at all smart you should), please, I invite you to read on. I found the following posting to be quite amusing.

CAN YOU COOK, AND GIVE A RUBS DOWN? - m4w - 36

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Date: 2010-10-04, 10:40PM EDT
PROFESSIONAL.....ITALIAN.5-11.....190.......DARK, SUCCESSFUL, SINGLE, NO KIDS,NEVER MARRIED.....SEARCHING FOR A SOUL MATE, PROFESSIONAL,SWEET HEART,

.......FRIENDS FIRST........SEND PIC AND NUMBER

I love the aggressive tactics of our Professional....Italian. He starts out with all caps, and darned if he does not continue yelling throughout the posting! I know almost nothing about "netiquette", but I even know that all caps means you are yelling. if nothing else this reinforces the stereotype about Italians being loud and obnoxious. Fortunately I do know three actual Italians, and one who claims Italian ancestry, and even speaks fake Italian sayings, which trust me is quiet magnificent to witness. Out of these 4 people, I found the stereotype to be true in three out of four cases. so wait, I guess I just shot down whatever seemingly intelligent conclusion I was about to "proclaim". Alright Buzzsaw, focus...CAN YOU COOK AND GIVE A RUBS DOWN? Trust me this a completely valid question. If you can't give a rubs down, why would anyone, let alone a PROFESSIONAL.....ITALIAN want to even have a platonic relationship. I am an unemployed, mulatto of untraceable European decent (part Swedish, Scottish, English, Prussian...untraceable) and if you came up to my in the club and tried to start a conversation, there would only be two questions. CAN YOU COOK AND GIVE RUBS DOWN? I usually throw that out on the table, and if I sense any hesitation at all, your goose is cooked. I am MOVING ON. You see there is a little thing, called www.plentyoffish.com and I happen to know that. So if you can't give RUBS DOWN, why would I want anything to do with you? Seriously, it is almost like getting punched in the face when you meet someone, think they might be the one, then find out that they cannot in fact GIVE RUBS DOWN. How hard is it? Not like rocket science. Not even like regular science. IT IS A RUBS DOWN! Sometimes people just make me sick. And I am not talking about H1N1, it is more like just depression. SEARCHING FOR A SOULMATE....PROFESSIONAL SWEETHEART. Strictly platonic. Some might think it crazy, but I have stood on a city corner and yelled the same thing. It really can be a drag just trying to cultivate a unique friendship in this shallow world. When I just want some ITALIAN food, a PROFESSIONAL SWEETHEART, and of course RUBS DOWN! MORE RUBS DOWN! AND EVEN MORE PROFESSIONAL RUBS DOWN! And you think your life is difficult. As I said, even the jobless guy would have these simple criteria before even having a conversation. Is it so wrong? I think not, it is a matter of priorities, and if you have a problem with it, TAKE A HIKE UNTIL YOU LEARN TO GIVE RUBS DOWN!

As I procrastinate...

Since I am procrastinating many of my responsibilities, I have been looking at Craigslist again to find humorous postings over which I could muse. Well I went to the New Jersey Craigslist, under platonic relationships and found this:

Wrestling partner - 50 (NNJ)

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Date: 2010-10-11, 5:42PM EDT

Hello. I am a straight, 50 year old 6'2" 220 male. Enjoy working out and wrestling. Not very good, just looking for a good workout. I am in the Ramsey area. If interested, let me know and lets have a good workout.

• Location: NNJ

Wrestling partner? Now that is an interesting twist. I am sure for this guy he just wanted to grapple his partner into a sweaty pile because it is damn good exercise. And that does make a tremendous amount of sense. Why join a gym when you can grapple with another man from the comfort of your own home, or personal wrestling ring? I personally would get right into my singlet and head for the mat. One thing I appreciate about this bizarre posting is that he starts by saying hello. As if that would make the whole thing less creepy. It is already bad enough being in the platonic friends listing for craigslist.org, let alone, the title, "Wrestling partner-50" I wonder if he posted his age so that younger, stronger, more svelte wrestlers would leave him alone. Or did he want to appeal to the younger crowd as an easy opponent. He openly admits to being overweight and a poor wrestler. "Sorry I am no good, but could you just hold me in that position for awhile, no, not that one, yeah that one, oh yeah, that's the one!" I bet he loves Aussie rules football too, especially if it involves light  tackling (I was actually invited to an Aussie rules team and was told about the light tackling, but that is for the book). It seems interesting that someone would enjoy something they were not very good at. Especially a competition sport where you kind of get hurt when you lose. People usually do not like to lose things. Especially the ones where you grapple with sweaty men. I am so concerned with losing that I in fact do not grapple with men, sweaty or otherwise. It is just a principle I stick to, no man grapplin'. It has served me well my whole life long. But all that said I do understand a mans need for a good solid workout. I can remember the last time I worked out, it was in March. I remember being really glad when it was over. OK, you got me, it was my posting. Why can't I lie about my age? I just want a really good workout. And I am willing to fly to New Jersey to get one. I really don't see how it became a "matter of interest" to everyone on the entire internets! If I want to be in a writhing man-pile with other sports enthusiasts who cares! I have had enough of this. Time for me to hit the mat.

Funny things I have seen...

When I am out and about I often have a notebook so if I think of something extraordinarily stupid or funny I can write it down. I also like to sketch so I usually carry notepads with unlined paper. I am sure this detail will be intriguing to someone, I feel sorry for that person. Well one day I was visiting my parents, and I took a trip up to Crossroads mall to visit the used book store. When I was walking to my truck I saw something so awe inspiring that I wrote it on the back of my unlined notebook. It was a mid 1980's Nissan truck. The paint scheme was a unique custom stripe, I think a dirty orange with some white. It might have been really cool back in it's prime, but its former glory was far behind it. Now the truck was rather glorious in its own right, but what got my attention was the obviously hand painted sign on the tailgate. It said "Mark's Massage" which I thought was hysterical, given the state his truck was in. Then I walked around it and saw the sign on the side. It said "A hand's on experience". I think I probably came as close as I ever have to losing consciousness due to laughter. It really made me wonder. Which is crazier, Mark, or his clientele? It seems like a no-brainer figuring out that Mark is mental, but he had to have someone in his life who thought it was a good idea. And I highly doubt that he had never had one client. After running a "business" for the last 4 months I have been dumbfounded at the things people buy, and the customer service people have to put up with. And you can trust me, I am famous for giving terrible customer service, then blaming the customer for lack of taste. But even to a creep like me, this truck was too creepy. And "Hands on Experience" is one of the most disturbing slogans I have ever heard. Of course any moron knows that a massage would be hands on, its just that sometimes you don't want to think about it. The closest comparison I can think of would be a restaurant that advertises the fact that you will "Get No Diarrhea" from the food. Or an auto insurance company that says "Drunks Welcome". Those simple little things you can say without saying. Even a drunk would rather talk about a driving infraction then be reminded that he was a drunk. All that to say this, I think that not only was Mark crazy, but that where birds of a feather flock together, you will find a bunch of crazy birds. Giving each other a "wings on experience". Salut, Buzzsaw

The very thing that makes you weak, can make you strong!

I remember vividly the first time I heard Solomon Burke sing. It was in the fall or winter of 2000. I was renting a room from an old woman named Dorothy in the Santa Cruz hills. The reason this is of note is because I was in her house when I heard him, and if I hadn't lived there, I might not have ever heard him. It happened like this. I was up one night watching TV in the living room (I never had a TV before, thus the importance), and one of those dumb commercials for a "Classic Soul" album came on. It was the kind which would show a picture of an artist, with the name highlighted while scrolling down through a list of names. Well some of the music was so great that I started writing down the names of the best ones. Well Solomon Burke just happened to be one of those names. I think it might have been the next day, but it was not long before I went down to Streetlight Records in Santa Cruz and picked up a re released double album, the titles of which escape me. As soon as I put it in the played in my truck I was transported. His music took you to a place that is very hard to describe. His singing is delivered with such passion and soul that I have rarely heard anything that can evoke more feeling, be it sadness or joy. Trust me when Solomon Burke had his heart broken, it wouldn't matter if you had gotten engaged that very day, if you heard him sing, you would be crying. He also had a playful personality that was conveyed through his song choices and production. On the album I had he was even experimenting with an almost Spanish sounding guitar, but yet it was totally unique. The particular song I am thinking of in this vein, was about the beautiful girls, how many there are, how can't love 'em all, and then Solomon rips into the punchline "But Looord I'm suuuuuure gonna tryyyy! For me hearing Solomon was a freeing moment. It was the best, most unique soul music I had ever heard, and noone I knew had ever heard of him. So it was something I enjoyed by myself. I was writing a script treatment at the time, and it was awesome trying to figure out how some of his songs would fit into scenes I was conceiving. It really is that kind of music. It brings pictures into your mind, and feelings into your soul.

When I was in college I was privileged to get a job as program director of our college radio station. My friend Casey was the production manager, and when I brought up Solomon, he said that he had a new album out and that he had played it on his show. Since noone else at the station would ever play it, I occasionally "borrowed" the album, which was in direct violation of the station policy I was paid to enforce. I remember Casey confronting me about it once, he was looking for it to play on his show, and he knew I took it! Well it is good to know who your friends are, and what they like. I sheepishly brought it back.

I always listened to Solomon, but sometimes it would disappear, then reappear like an old friend. In 2009 I was working with my band the Holy Hoboes, and I was also starting to play lead guitar at Tabernacle Baptist church in Seattles Central district. I was at a turning point in life I guess. I was really practicing a lot on electric guitar, because it is a totally different thing, and especially if you are playing in front of 500 people with a band of funky brothas who have played together 10 years. So I spent a lot of hours with my guitar and amp up in what we called The Hoboe Denn. It was an old radio room at Seattle First Presbyterian church. It is a big building but since the attendance has dropped from its heyday in the 1950's the old sanctuary is not in regular use. So the staff kindly let my band use the room. It was old and dusty and filled with odd electronics and strange notes. Some of them dating back long before I was born. It was in that room that I learned how to lead a band, and it was in that room that I used to sit for hours playing guitar and organ along with soul music by Solomon and Percy Sledge. I also used to eat peanut M&M's and drink Talking Rain mineral water, because they had a stash at the church! One hot Friday evening we were trying to record, but we all decided we were wasting our time. So as we were packing up I started playing some Solomon (I was always using tricks to get my band members listening to some of the same music I was so we would be on the same page). Then I remember asking the only person there if he had heard Solomon's Nashville album, which was kind of newer and featured guest artists from Nashville and country songs. He said no, and when everyone was gone I went on a mission to Broadway to find the album. It was like a magnet drawing me, up the hill, into the store, and right to a used copy of Nashville. I took it back and played along with it three or four times. I still love it, and to this day I still go right back to that hot dusty room, and I can almost taste the peanut M&Ms, and I wonder where that water is?

Watch out Anne Geddes, here comes Buzzsaw!

Since I am just sitting around right now, I have had plenty of opportunity for trolling craigslist "in search of a job", and closer to reality, looking for stupid ads to blog about. This evening I was looking in Portland, as I had grown bored with Seattle, when I cam across the following:

2011 BABY CALENDAR/CONTEST

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We are looking for just a few more baby's between the age of 16 months
to 5 years of age for "The Cutiest Baby Contest/Calendar". Each baby that
we move forward with will win a prize and agency contract for modeling/
acting jobs. We are a well established agency of many years and the calendars
will go out to our client data base for exposure for local jobs. Please respond
to this posting with only 2-3 photo's and a contact number. We will contact
you if we are considering your child.
GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At first glance, it seemed cute, nice, and cuddly. Not sinister and creepy. This is the INTERNET, it is not the place for weirdo's! Everybody knows that!. Anyway, since it was in the talent section I thought I should click on it to see how stupid the person sounded. If it was really bad I thought I might as well try to dress up like a baby and pretend that I was actually a man-child or something. Well imagine my delight, when I opened it. First of all, it is October, and these people want to get a calender done for next year. Not impossible, but kind of stupid. If it were me, I would just shoot 500 baby pictures in a weekend or so, then I would just keep using them for each years baby calender. Nobody can even tell, they are BABIES! If you have seen one you have seen them all (I know that is going to get me loads of hate mail, so bring it on)! I could probably bring in a shaven bull dog pup and pass it off as a human baby! This is just crazy! Anyway, I knew I could get the part when I read that they wanted the "babies" to be within 16 months and FIVE YEARS!?? What in the world is that supposed to mean. 5 year olds are in kindergarten! Some five year olds are winning chess tourney's, they might not have fully developed frontal lobes, but you can hardly call them babies! So, I immediately called my friend Shenny to see if he still had the Cupid costume he wore last year at Burning Man (if you don't know, look it up). Sadly, he did not pick up because he is at a Phish show in Vermont, but I knew he did not lock his house, so I decided to take the bus over there and check myself. After I finished reading the ad. Oh, and don't think I didn't notice that it is "The Cutiest Baby Contest", further proof that I could pass for a baby! I found it interesting that each baby gets a unnamed "prize", and is given an agency contract for acting and modeling jobs. First off, I want and am going to get that unnamed prize. I don't care what it is. I don't even care if I have to scare the hell out of a 16 month old baby to make the baby break down at the casting call. I do not lose contests. And dang it I want that baby acting gig. I have been told I look a lot like the Gerber baby, so I find it fitting that now I finally have a chance for my big break. And, you know, sometimes you have to make your own breaks! Thus, Buzzsaw scaring babies; probably going to happen! Towards the end of the posting I started to get cold feet. They are sending the calender out in hopes of getting jobs for the babies/kids, which made me wonder, if the client sees the baby/kid on the calender they might think. oh, that baby/kid is doing good, we probably can't afford the kid, if he already made a calender at such a young age! So the whole damn thing is shooting itself in the foot right at the end. Damn. And then they have the gall to say Good Luck!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah well screw you cutiest baby group! You don't even know what age a baby is! Now instead of scaring the babies I feel like just sending shaven bulldog pictures, with the bulldogs raising their middle claw at the camera! Forget it, I don't even want a cupid outfit anyway! Buzzsaw signing out, with shattered dreams!

Postscript: After much pouting the author actually did go get the Cupid outfit and send pictures. He was in fact selected to audition. At the audition he scared 7 babies so badly they wet themselves, getting him on to The Cutiest Baby Calender! Look for it in every major supermarket starting December 1st! Who says dreams don't come true!

Another tale from back in the day!

When I was going to community college I worked at various odd jobs and occasionally did construction for the company my mom worked for. One of these jobs was out on Alki point, in West Seattle. The particular job was fairly mundane a larger duplex condo unit, which when I was there consisted of concrete walls. We were digging plumbing trenches and devising ways to kill the waterproofers from Card's construction (who had screwed up another job I had worked on in the past). I can't remember the name of the young guy I was working with, but he was a musician and was really cool. We sometimes got in trouble for discussing the merits of The Coug (Mellencamp) vs. The Boss (Springsteen). Anyway it made for a fun job, and one day my friend told me a hilarious story which I have never forgotten.

He was from Spokane WA, way out on the Idaho border and he recently had gotten married. Being from Spokane it is highly likely that you will meet, and or be related to several, if not more than several colorful characters. One of these characters was a woman who had married one of his uncles. Apparently she had only two hobbies, and the other thing about her which was not in fact a hobby was the fact that she worked at the Goodwill, and had done so for years. Well the hobbies the woman so enjoyed were chain smoking and making Navajo dreamcatchers. I have heard from more than one person that the two go together hand in glove. Anyway, when she heard about the wedding she was overjoyed. She knew just what to get/make the happy couple. And she went right to work on both her hobbies at the same time! When the couple came home from there honey moon they were perplexed by the strange stale smoke odour coming from the pile of presents. As they opened them up they inspected them to try and find out where exactly the stench was originating from. Finally they got to a small flattish package. Imagine the horror when they opened it up to find not only the source of the smell, but a dream catcher which had "caught" a small Barbie doll bride and groom! My friend told me that it was one of the single most disturbing discoveries of his life! Both he and his wife were totally perplexed trying to figure out what to do. On the one hand the dream catcher was hideous and both agreed that it was not staying in the house. On the other hand, it was hand made by a relative and both felt bad throwing it away. So they decided that it would be best to take it to the Goodwill and "let water find it's own level". Somebody would find it and fall in love with it. Now the discerning reader will note that the "aunt" worked at the Goodwill. The couple did too, so they drove all the way across town to another Goodwill so that the aunt would not see it during the course of her work day, for she would surely recognize it. But what they did not count on was the internal community which makes up the Goodwill employees. Unfortunately the aunt had a friend who worked at the particular Goodwill which the couple had gone to. When she discovered the dream catcher she called up her friend (the one whop made it) and told her to come over right when she got off her shift because she was going to love it! So the aunt did just that. She drove all the way across Spokane only to discover the cold truth. That it was the very same dream catcher she had spent so much time on! I asked my friend what he and his wife did about it, and he laughed. He then told me that his uncle had since gotten divorced, making things better for all concerned during holidays and family parties! So when you take your next stinky dream catcher to the Goodwill, make sure you at least go out of the county! Buzzsaw signing off!