Minneapolis Craigslist Revisited!!

It only took about 5 minutes before I realized that I was making a huge mistake by not posting more of the madness which must be Minneapolis. Perhaps its all the damn lakes that makes people crazy? Well it only took about five minutes to get a lot more good stuff, of course I am continuing the policy of using their pictures and creating  captions for them. Here goes:

FREE Bikini shaving, waxing - m4w (St. Paul, Mpls.)

This is an unusual request. I would like to be your bikini trimming, shaving, specialist. I would like to do this professionally. I am looking to for a lady to help me hone my skills. I have some experience but need more practice. This would be very professional, very platonic, a draped and gloved session. It could be just a little trim or the enter area. It would be a relaxing experience, with hot towels , essential fragrances , lotions, oil, etc. Yes a production, all just to pamper you. I'm also interested in waxing if you are interested. I would come to you in the comfort and security of your own home or apartment. Email me if you are interested. Remember there is no charge, and I promise you a professional, safe, wonderful relaxing experience. 

Even this beautiful sunset will make you feel dirty after reading that!

 What the hell does it mean?

First of all, an amateur shaving specialist wants to come to your house. Second, he used the phrase "draped and gloved session"! Are you interested in "not getting raped"? If the answer is yes, please do not respond! Even if the idea of free pampering is hot to you, DO NOT RESPOND! I know it's hard, especially when he so badly needs someone to help "hone his skills"! DO NOT GIVE IN! BUT IF YOU DO, HE TOTALLY ACCEPTS TIPS. HE "TOLD" ME!

LatinoLook'n2chat - m4w - 28 (East Bethel, Mn)

Jus looking to chat with someone interesting... Dont care what the subject is about as long as its "strictly platonic"...and yes Iam real.....serious replies only....

Looking for some platonic three-way action ladies!

 What the hell does it mean?

 It certainly is simple on the surface, he's lookin'2chat rite? Yo, but on another level, I think he might actually not be real! This poor man is so psychologically damaged from the thing in his face that he went on Craigslist as a cry for help!

OMG This day is dragging - m4w - 27 (Eden Prairie)

I cannot be the only one who has to work a full day today. Maybe you have off but you are stuck with your family and are bored out of your mind? Help me!!! Send me a message, send me a picture of your dog, send me a picture of your kitty :-O lol Whatever, just help me pass the day please :)

What the hell does it mean?

Somewhere in Eden Prairie there is a young man hoping you will send him naked pictures of yourself.

Workout buddy maybe more - m4m - 50 (Hopkins/ SLP)

  Just joined LA Fitness in Hopkins. New in town from So Cal. Mid 50's and look younger. White, straight talking/lifestyle for the most part. Have some curiosity about possibly augmenting a platonic male friendship with a reciprocal mutual oral as a side benefit, but it's not a prerequisite. New Age, spiritual and non dogmatic background. Healthy living and honesty is important to me. 6.0 178lbs and losing. My goal is strength training while increasing stability. Interested in a friendship, but my romantic focus has always been with the ladies, because thats what makes me weak in the knees.

What the hell does it mean?

I'm gay. I want oral sex with a fit man. Also I'm gay. I can pass for straight if I'm in a group of blind people and I don't say anything, but I'm actually super gay. I'm sort of fat as well as totally gay. Females disgust me and  I just seriously want men.

Craigslist Leg/hose fetish ahead! Mineapolis!

Dear dear, sweet reader. As you may be aware, that I am hopelessly addicted to Craigslist strictly platonic ads. So much so that I have made it my business to search the nation high and low for the weirdest most kinkiest "platonic" postings! Today I made my way through our nations great information super highways to a place I have never been to, but because of Kirby Pucket, I am well aware of. Yes, today we go to Minneapolis, where only three posts in I found a true gem. Many times I will take multiple entries but this was a masterpiece on its own (and the guy had like 5 pictures so I am including it all, with my own commentary). Here is the original post, his pictures with my comments, and perhaps a translation if I feel the urge.

A Fashion/Clothing Question For Women......I'm Curious - m4w (Mendota Heights)

I have a question for all you women:

Do you wear hosiery? Why or why not?

By hosiery, I'm referring to stockings, thigh highs, or pantyhose and it would be the more sheer variety. Within the last decade, women have seemed to go more and more bare legged; not only in summer but year around. Why has hosiery gone out of style? It was the norm from the 50's through the 80's at least.

From a totally personal male viewpoint, legs look so much more polished, finished, and attractive with hosiery. Case in point: Have you seen recent pictures of Sarah Jessica Parker? She seems to be one of the leaders of the bare leg movement, and her feet look so old! Veins, wrinkles and such. Would she want her face to go bare too? I've included a photo of her. Look carefully at her feet to see what I mean.

Well, that's it, ladies. I'm very curious and would love to get the viewpoints of women on this topic of hoisery. I'm open to discussion.

Thanks for your time in advance

Yes, those legs go "all the way up"!

Honestly, I think this guy is a "leg man" but I can't tell for sure.

This picture was totally NOT taken from a Ukranian wife order site!

See ladies! HOSE MAKES YOU HAPPY!

DIE SARAH JESSICA PARKER! DIE YOU AND YOUR HORSE FEET! I CAN HEAR YOU CLIP CLOPPING ALONG WITH YOUR UGLY VARICOSE VEINS AND ALL YOUR MONEY! DAMN YOU AND YOUR HORSE INFLUENCE ON ALL THE WOMEN! YOU SKANK! YOU LOUSY BARE LEGGED SKANK! I WOULDN'T SUCK ON YOUR UGLY HORSE TOES IF THEY WERE COATED IN GOLD DUST AND SWISS CHOCOLATE! YOU EEEEEEVIIIIIIIIL WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!

 AND NOW LET'S TAKE A CLOSER LOOK!

Obviously this guy is a complete perv with a stalking/stocking fetish. Most of these posts usually start with a question. What I like about this is at the heart I believe the guy is also trying to get more women in stockings which would be better for everyone. In fact, before this day I had no idea that a "bare legged movement" existed, and on top of that it has leaders! Stupid me, of course it does! Trust me it's a problem!

Well I believe my "work" here is done. Toodles, Buzzward

Everyone has a doppelganger.

In Johnny Cash's brilliant auto biography Cash, he says this: "They say that everyone has their own personal Elvis. Mine just happened to be the real Elvis." To be honest I don't know why I felt compelled to share that when I am talking about doppelgangers and picture takin' but you dear reader are smart enough to make some sort of connection.

They say that everyone has their doppelganger, and for me my doppelganger is everyone. I mean damn near everyone! Starting at the age of 12 with McCaully Culkin, continuing through with John Mayer and Jude Law in the university days (the Japanese students said "Jude Raw" which I think may be my porn alter ego if things go poorly). By then of course I sort of got used to hearing people tell me I looked like some celebrity or acted soooo much like their really weird friend (funny, I never meet any of the people I supposedly act like). But things started to take a turn for the strange in 2009 when a movie called Twilight was released on DVD. Judging from all the craziness, it seems that those other blokes were not actually my doppelganger. It was to quote Clel Henson, proprietor of the Lake Pleasant Service station "You look like this guy!" at which point he was indicating towards Robert Pattinsons face with his one gloved hand.

[Safety note: If you find yourself in Beaver WA, please, do not eat any of Clel's "hot food"! He wears his one rubber glove as if to keep you safe, but then he goes out and pumps gas with it and who knows what the hell else!]

I was going to add a picture of Rob Pattinson, but my readers probably are aware of what he looks like. And this beaver used to be right across from Clel's store.

Anyway, with this one it was different. Way different. First of all, from what I knew about it starting out the story of Twilight was completely uninteresting to me. But it was REALLY interesting to a lot of people! So I jumped in completely, because I figured it was huge enough, with a striking enough resemblance between us that I could make a book out of it if I was crazy enough. [Spoiler: I AM CRAZY ENOUGH!!!!!]

I did this for fun. Need more proof that I'm crazy enough?

Well to get back on track, there was a certain point when I realized that the product I had to sell, which nobody else had was pictures. So I somehow convinced a friend to go with me to Forks and start a proper photo booth to take care of all the tourists. Needless to say it was weird. There is something oddly unsettling about going to bed at night knowing that my only source of income would be generated by random people who were fans of some other dude, who happened to look like my twin (to some people). Just the kind of crazy I thrive in and which really messed me up with stress. But there were upsides.

It feels really good getting paid to take the cutest picture ever!

There were also downsides mainly because I am talented at many things, unfortunately running a business is not one of them. But I have to give myself a break, the whole thing was a mad house. I had all kinds of business proposals, from making Halloween masks with my face (the guy who owned the chainsaw store was keen to do that) to making Twilight themed fragrances.

I kid you not, it was pine scented and he wanted to call it "Wolf Dung"! His name was Norman.

This all got to be too much for old Buzzman, so I just freaked out and got on Facebook. Luckily it was perfect for my craziness and soon I met many friends. Some as far as Italy. Later that year by a sweet stroke of luck I ended up in Baton Rouge with my friend Brooke and her family. Brooke had taken the time to personally make me shirts and burn a CD, Rock & Roll 1962. And when we got to Louisiana her family threw us a party!

Me & Buck & a beer & a truck.

Well that wasn't what I set out to write about, but somehow this story takes twists and turns along the way. I guess that's why it makes a good story. What I intended to write about is how and why I never charge for pictures I take in public. It's not because the people asking for them don't have money. I know damn well they probably have more than me, but it's sort of like this: I do not have advertising on my blog or website and I never will. If you go to a professional comedian or musicians page they won't have advertising. It looks tacky, and more importantly like you don't believe in yourself. whatever faults I have, complete self doubt is not one. It makes people mad when you are confident, but you have to believe if you want to get anywhere. I personally believe that this story is interesting enough to be a best seller. I have to. And now a slice of my life:

I get requests like this ALL THE TIME!!!! Not joking!

My life is so nuts that many times people will take pictures of me "covertly" even though I have developed a sense that lets me know most of the time. I have gotten popped walking, driving, and standing on a damn big log with my friends!

I saw them do it. If I had known they wanted to pay me I would have instantly taken pictures. I was DEAD BROKE! This is as close as I have been to a nervous breakdown. Well two days later anyway.

I was in a lot better head space here. They actually talked to me later too! This lot thought I looked like Taylor Lautner!

I have even had someone sitting in a van, pull out a camera, while I was watching her, and take a damn picture through the window. KNOWING I WAS WATCHING HER! Some girls in the "special press area" at the Twilight deal last week did the same, then when I did it back they turned away like they were famous or something! [Pro-tip: I get the feeling a lot of people in LA think they are famous, except some of the people who actually are!]

Since I can't think of what else to write in connection with that, I'm just going to post a couple more pictures!

Look at the people in the background and imagine the size of the elephant in the room when I leave the house!

This is me on my day off at the hot springs. Its weird. Everyday. But weirder for me than them.

Dude you look like that cat from the Twilight movies!

I promised my cousin I would include her!

Sometimes the job required me to wear ugly as hell crowns! Hot as hell ugly as hell crowns!

Well I don't know what all this means, or where it takes me, or what it makes me. But I want to buy a piece of land and a caboose. That much I know. Love Buzz.

Special consideration to The Mayor, Greg White.

Places I slept this year: Part One

In my line of work there is always the daunting thought that I must get up in the morning and immediately do something hilarious. Perhaps this is the reason I stayed in bed until 2 pm today. It could also be that after almost 6 weeks of traveling I found a place to hang out in for an entire week! And I don't have to get up if I don't want to! So today, instead of being hilarious I figured I would just tell you about some of the places I have slept in over the past 6 weeks.

For me, sleep has always been tough to come by, and beer has always been my favorite vitamin (for better or worse, but let's not open that can of worms). This has is a combination which has found me "sleeping" upright  in a straight backed chair and in some guys tree house on leap year day 2008. During the last four weeks of university I lived in my friend Jacob's laundry room. It was great. In the morning he would get up and cook his breakfast and I would worm around on the kitchen floor (it was adjacent my "bedroom") saying hilarious things. Well he laughs easy it could have been less hilarious than I remember. Anyway, we were not talking about ancient history but the near past, so without further ado...

This was my home. A Mercedes. Any guesses why I named him "Adolf"?

Flash back to June of this year (given time travel works) and you will find a much hairier version of me working at The Oriental Green Party Hydroponic Farm in Mount Compass South Australia. That is really the name and I highly recommend not working there. Well as the story goes, I was living unhappily with my bosses Mr and Mrs Luoung, who by the way have their own rooms. Probably because of their incredible dickishness. One day however they presented a paper thin ruse to get me out of the house and back into the van (we do not have time to explore the madness which was the Oriental Green Party fully at this time and I apologize). So from then on I lived in the van and had a mouse roommate named Chad. I think I named him so I would not kill him. My bad was made of cardboard boxes stuffed in cardboard boxes, then I taped 5 together. It worked OK. In the end I had $4,500 shoved into it as well so it was a pretty great bed.

Of course when I was done working I stayed at a couple mates places before I went on my BIG OVERNIGHT CAMPING TRIP! Seriously, the whole time I was in Australia I never really traveled. First because I was in a relationship, second because I was working at the damn Oriental Green Party. Well I finally got to go on a camp out to a music festival, and damned if I didn't do the exact opposite of what you are supposed to do. I camped right under a beautiful white gum tree!

I'm not telling what went on with the tree, but it was a hoot!

The problem is the gum trees can just be sitting there all gummily and then suddenly branches will just fall the hell off! Of course they didn't that night, but I was camping on a spring and when I woke up I thought I had pee'd the bed (there was beer involved). But unless I had a whole keg in my bladder and some other stuff there is no explaining the fact that my pillow was soaked through and the bottom of the tent had standing water (which did not smell like pee). So that was my second to last night in Australia...




Just kidding! I got stuck in Sydney Airport for a week! Because of this mild transportation debacle, I ended up here:

The Germans insisted on calling it "The Jolly Jumpa!"

As things go it was nice. In 7 days I slept in 5 different rooms and with countless international women. Oh wait no. Just rooms. It was brilliant because I had been stuck out in woop woop with a passel of bogans. Being in one of the most beautiful cities in the world was quite alright. I am including a picture of a bogan below so you take a peek over the proverbial shoulder of Buzzsaw.

'stralian!

Well I finally got out of Australia, but I don't count 40 hours and three flights as exactly a place to sleep, even if I did fly first class from Osaka to Oakland. I landed in CA after more than a year abroad, sick with the plague and paranoid as hell about losing the files from the album I recorded with music legend Chris Finnen before I left Adelaide. Did I mention the plague? So anyhow I ended up taking the bus through Oakland to the house my sister lives in. Jerry Garcia's daughter lives next door and I happened to spot her.

Chris Finnen had the awesome habit of calling him "Garcy"!

Well I rested and coughed there for a couple days before I flew standby to Portland to work on the album at Troubador Studios. It was a near heart stopping experience, I got on the flight 2 minutes before take off. So the next couple nights I spent in Portland...to be continued at the point where I found myself working for the eccentric pot smoking chiropractor...

End of an Era.

It seems like just last week that I was living in a van (Mercedes though) in Mount Compass Australia on the Oriental Green Party farm. Hydroponic bok choy farm. Hella bok choy. Then it was drinking cheap wine (known as goon) on the Sydney Harbor bridge with my German friends Maximilian and Johan. It feels as if it just happened but really it was a 40 hour flight saga back. The one that took me from Sydney to Singapore to Osaka to Oakland. In Oaktown I stayed at my sisters house. She lives next door to Jerry Garcia's daughter. She looks just like him because I saw her when I got to the place. Apparently that was lucky on my part because she hadn't been spotted for months. At this point I slept and coughed. Coughed and slept. It feels like yesterday.

It was only when I was leaving to go to Portland that I realized I lost a sketchbook with all the song lyrics for my new album in it. Obviously, being a dude, I got it back because it had been turned in to the lost and found. Of course that was nice but I still suffered the stress of flying standby. I was sure I wouldn't make it and a heart attack was inevitable. I made the plane.

Was it just last week that I was painting the crazy chiropractors office? Picking apples in Yakima? Cleaning a barbecue for money? Hell I guess it wasn't. Last week I was in LA. Dirty doggin' on the Coast Starlight train line. I met con artists and gypsies. Or perhaps they were me. It must have been last night that I was drinking beer in the bar at Whole Foods with my black cousin. Oh wait, that was the Toys R' Us loading dock in Kennewick WA with a young movie star. Or would he be considered more of a "guy who walked down a hill in a movie"? Doesn't matter because I was there. From the beginning to the end. Of course I did take some pictures and make some videos along the way but you will have to be satisfied with my music and this picture:

I made a joke that he (Jackson Rathbone) laughed at right after this. Some broad asked him to sign her I-Pad, which is so cliche! he asked if it was for him, and I said "But there's no Angry Birds!" he laughed and said "No Angry Birds?" "Yeah, it's basically a bullshit I-Pad"!

Yes I was hanging around with gypsies today.

If you are paying any attention at all to this report I apologize. It would probably be far more fun to be flying around in a squirrel suit. Or maybe you just want to try on hats. Either way, some how you got sucked in to my weird world. So what does that have to do with gypsies? Not much except that while I was waiting to see if I could get in to the premier of Twilight Breaking Balls II (which I failed at) there was a whole damn family of gyppo's waiting with me. By that I mean roughly 15 gypsies. The mom gypsies were tough as hell. I asked the kids if the were "throwers" and they were surprised how I knew. They just seemed like shoe throwing types is all.

 Oh, and I got on TV. Anyway, it has been crazy even just riding the train down the coast. Expect some serious craziness in the next few days.Just so you know, for fun I tried to end this little post by inserting a gratuitous picture I found by google image searching "weird ass Asian man" but the computer is acting up. I would have posted the gymnast. That is all.

10 (or so) reasons my lesbian frieind should take me to a Hollywood Premiere instead of her partner

I apologize for all formatting issues in advance. My intention was to finish with a few pictures of men who look like old lesbians but they insisted on going at the beginning and I lack the energy to move them now. Also BEFORE YOU READ ON THE INTENTION OF THE PIECE IS TO BE SLIGHTLY SELF- DEPRECATING AND FUNNY! IF YOU GET OFFENDED ITS PROBABLY YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT! BUT I STILL WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND! ALSO THERE IS A LOT OF CUSSING IN THIS DAMN BASTARD RIGHT HERE! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!!!!!!!!

I INVENTED Lilith Fair!

I'm so butch I have TWO Subaru's!

Without me there is no KD Lang!

I am sitting in the kitchen of a partially renovated 1920's two storey, wood framed house in Woodland Washington. I hadn't planned to be here. Just one month ago I was boarding a flight on Singapore Airlines from Sydney Australia to Singapore, Singapore (I guess that's what you would say). It would take me almost forty hours before I landed in San Francisco to find that the guitar case that has traveled around the world three times with me had finally met it's end, somewhere over the Pacific. It didn't matter because I didn't lost the toy train my friend The Coach gave me. And he also gave me the nickname “Buzzsaw” which I can never lose. By the way, no one calls me that. I only use it because The Coach is, in his own words “a fuckin' folk hero in Redmond.”

Well back to the project at hand. What I set out to do today was to convince a lesbian friend of mine to take me to a Hollywood Premiere instead of her partner. It may seem counter intuitive, seeing as how I am a straight male, but as I am a master of making shit up, I believe I can make a fair case.

A FEW WORDS OF WARNING!!!!!!!

Hi everyone, Buzzsaw here! Just so you know, I recently spent a year in Australia, and that shit changes a person. Specifically, in the CUSSING DEPARTMENT!!!! In Australia, the people I knew used filthy, filthy language. As I was already a Huge Fan of THE CUSSING DEPARTMENT I picked it up right out of the gate. So, in the course of this argument, if (when) I use the words: Fuck, Motherfucker, Bitch-ass, Fuckin' Lezzo, Motherfuckin' shit, and cunt, remember, they must be said using an Australian accent, at which point they become somewhat less offensive (if you are MORALLY BANKRUPT like me!). Also, if you hadn't figured it out, lezzo means lesbian in Australian. I will make extensive use of the term from here on out. So without further ado; 10 reasons my lesbian friend should take me to a Hollywood Premiere instead of her partner:

[Note: I took a break from writing to tear out the bathroom floor. Then I went outside to look at the property in the light. It blew my mind that within a 75 meter radius from this house there are at least 10 different species of tree. Maple, alder, spruce, pine, fir, birch and willow (plus a bunch I don't care about). Anyway, nice to be home and see the old familiar trees and mountains.]

10: The Indigo Girls

First of all, from what I know of The Indigo Girls' music, I mostly hate it. The only real experience I have had with it has been on Adult Contemporary Radio formatting and in a couple of terrible jam sessions in California. Not that all of the jam sessions were terrible, but the times when we were all jamming on Indigo Girls hits was indeed the stuff deep wounds to the soul are made of. The thing about jam sessions while camping is that everyone who wants to sing gets a turn. When the third fucking Indigo Girls song comes up, walk away slowly and find a better jam.

I am certain at this point my reader is wondering how, if I don't like the Indigo Girls at in any way, I am going to convince a lesbian that she should do me a favor. What my reader doesn't know is that I have friends. Indeed I have two friends in particular who once paddled a canoe from the Ballard Locks to Pier 70, the waterfront in downtown Seattle. On this particular evening, the Indigo Girls were getting ready to play for a rabid crowd of lezzo's (and whoever the fuck else listens to the damn Indigo Girls). Unfortunately for the multi-dog owner and mullet crowd, part of the stage set decided to escape the bullshit music and got blown into the water. This is where my friend comes in and where I turn the tables on you.

Seeing that a couple of dudes just happened to be paddling around by the foam dog (or whatever the hell it was) the stage manger asked if the could retrieve it. Naturally, not wanting to suffer the wrath of the Indigo Heads they paddled over and got it, essentially saving the night. The crew was so happy that to express their gratitude they gave the canoe team entry into the exclusive back stage area! So, for the next 45 minutes they ate hummus (I assume) and “rocked out” to the soft and lilting, bullshit music of The Indigo Girls. That's right, I have friend's who not only saved the day for The Indigo Girls, but were deemed enough of a lezzo's that they were allowed to share the backstage hummus and organic pear cider (I assume) while watching soft rock glory from stage right. So there you go! Reason number 10! Very strong argument already! Convincing!

9. Lavender Wedding

As you know if you actually read what I wrote at the top of the page (I bet there is some sort of fetish with reading lists from the bottom to top, or starting at 9) that I was in Australia for a little over a year recently. Without divulging too much personal information, I was in a relationship which didn't end up working out. The problem was that I sort of liked Australia and would have stayed if I could get a visa. Fortunately as a welder fabricator I fit into the requirements for a “skilled trade” work visa. Unfortunately I don't at all fit into the requirements of having almost $40,000 in cash. This left me with only one reasonable option. Marry a lesbian.

Now some of you might argue that there are actually more options than that. If you think that, you're dumb. Marrying an Australian lesbian is a perfect idea. What with pre-nuptial agreements it is almost risk free! Of course we would have to kiss at the wedding, but I have soft, pouty lips and am willing to disguise myself as a lesbian if it makes her more comfortable. In fact, I am willing to learn an Indigo Girls song to play at the service! I would even go so far as to live in a house with 6 or however many dogs she has! If she wanted I would be her designated driver whenever she wanted to go to “Lickerish” the new lesbian wine bar! I would be the best lavender married husband ever! So there it is, another score for the Buzzman! Any lezzo's reading this are definitely losing there resolve and feeling the need to take me to the HOLLYWOOD PREMIER!!!!

8. Isadora Duncan

Yes I know what you are thinking. Isadora Duncan? That's more of a gay thing! Well sure, but can't we all get along? I mean, it's 2012 and gay weddings are on the ballot. We have to all be working together. If I am pulling some gay male shit out of my ass (intended ass joke) I think we need to look at that as identifying with all gay culture in general. It's like white rappers or something. But back to Isadora Duncan...

In 2003 I was at Central Washington University taking a jewelry and metal smithing course in the art department. The professor was a bad ass I always refer to in my mind as Gay Keith. He's gay. Anyhow, he was really the first gay person I had ever known, and to be honest, prior to that, I would say I was not really comfortable with gay people and probably a bit of a fucking bigot. Now of course when I actually got the chance to study under a master metal smith who happened to like man ass, I found that he was actually a human being, and not only that, sassy as hell! His lectures were funnier than shit, especially when he would drop lines like “Kevin Spacey is such a queer!” during class. On top of that he taught me more in two classes than I learned in two normal ones. Way more.

One day he was showing us how to use the buffing wheel and we were talking safety. He was going through how not to get your hair caught in the machine and dropped this line: “And don't where a scarf or you'll end up snapping your neck like Isadora Duncan!” At this point I cracked up, having read some on modern dance history but I realized I was the only one. I was the gayest person in the room besides Gay Keith, who obviously was gayer. That was one of the moments in life where time slows and the clouds part, and a beam of light hits you while Charleton Heston's voice says: “Faaaaaaaaaaag!”

It feels really good to be "with the gay's" sometimes.

7. Gay Weddin's!

Yesterday I did what Puff Daddy and Beonce would want me to do. I voted. Of course the only reason I did was to A) not get my ass shot by Diddy and B) accelerate our impending doom via ANTI CHRIST because I think it would be fucking awesome if it actually happened. Also on the ballot were some bullshit I didn't understand, decriminalizing marijuana and gay marriage. Of course if I could have voted “fuck yes” on the weed one I would have, and not being retarded, I voted yes for gay marriage (if you didn't vote yes for the gays don't be offended, I just think you have your head up your ass!).

Assuredly there is going to be some reader who is thinking “hey you ass-hat, how can I be retarded for believing that marriage is between one man and one woman, and you are straight throwin' around the fuckin' 'tard word like it's not offensive at all!???”

To that I would say, because it was sort of meant to be a double sided joke in which I am letting you in on the fact that I am A) not perfect B) can be a bit of a bastard and C) just like the word “retard”!!!

In reality though, I am not in favor of gay marriage. What?????!!! How can this be????!!!!! Truth be told I am against marriage period. I don't give a fuck about yours or anybody else's marriage. You want to know what fucking sucks? Hearing people talk about their marriage, their mother in law, or any other bullshit related. I fucking hate weddings, except for the food, the last thing I want is more fucking weddings! For fuck sake, why don't we just get rid of the whole fucking institution! Personally I believe that if you are committed to someone else in a relationship built on however you define love, you don't need anybody else's fucking approval! Fuck that!

I grew up in a christian home and for almost my entire adult life have been actively involved in various churches while I tried to come to an understanding of the spiritual world through the lens of Christianity. During this time I have heard A LOT about marriage. In fact I have wanted to marry a few different women over the years. The point I am trying to get out is that for some reason people in the Christian community (and probably elsewhere; I am just going with personal experience) often believe that getting married is “showing commitment” and somehow that means you should marry. But in my personal opinion it seems that a couple who is committed to each other, and never gets married is in fact more committed. It's a hell of a lot easier (simply in the legal department) to end a relationship if you don't have to think about the ramifications of divorce. So reader, do what the hell you want to do, but just try to make your partner's life better. Fuck what anyone else thinks.

[Fast forward people! Get on board the train! I am now in Graham Washington in a house made of Lincoln logs! It seriously looks like a movie set here with the antlers on the wall and the wood stove for heat which I stoked not 7 minutes ago! Last Saturday I was in Portland recording my song Rhinestone Rosie with a Martin D-28 and a choir of angels. But the train moved on because my engineer Caleb had a tragedy in the family. His 92 year old grandma died. Which is hilarious because my 92 year old grandma died the week before! Ha! But mine wins because she was actually older. Anyway, let's get back to the action!]

6) IT'S 2010 DAMN IT!

Of course most discerning readers will know that it is actually 2012 or something. That is of little importance. What I am getting at is the fact that in 2010 I was gay bashed for the first time and with more alarming frequency than ever before. This of course happened when I owned the only Twilight PhotoBooth in Forks WA. Now of course the rednecks who would yell things like “FAGGOT!” and FUCKING FAGGOT!” out the windows of their trucks were by far the minority in the town. It's actually a really great place (because of the people, not because of the ugly ass architecture and lack of quaint, tree lined streets I associate with small town America).

Now mind you, in my high school days I was a real dick who would have probably done the same thing if a damn look-alike showed up with some sweet ass moves! What I really learned from the whole thing is that gay people get treated like shit for no reason at all! What the fuck is that about?!!! For fucks sake people it's 2010 people don't you think its a bit strange to still be gay bashing?! What the fuck is the next move, threshing wheat or some shit? Maybe we should all get bicycles with a big front wheel and watch some fucking black-face comedy too!

As far as I'm concerned the most offensive part about the whole thing (except how actual gay people get treated sometimes) was the lack of creativity! The whole summer all I ever heard was “queer” “faggot” and “fucking gay ass Edward!” which was sort of depressing. I just wanted someone to call me a fucking cock nozzle or even a jizz hound! The best thing that ever happened was when three kids in a truck all flipped me off at the same time! They were so synchronized that it could have been in the damn Olympics! Funny thing is that I started laughing and I saw one of the kids crack a smile at that, which gives me hope! So that right there is a good reason to take me to a HollyWOOD PREMIERE!!!

5) Lesbian Helper

No, it's not an alternative lifestyle version of Hamburger Helper I'm talking about (though I am sure there is some sort of fetish online that actually is that). What I mean is that during the course of my adventures with “the whole Twilight thing” I have been helped out by innumerable LEZZO'S. Right out of the gate on an early scouting trip to La Push a lesbian couple brought me my guitar after I left it at their campsite (yes, drunkenly being a hobo again). All throughout the summer I kept running into really great lezzos who were nothing but kind. So I guess maybe they sensed my own inner Lezzo or something (because obviously gay people are only nice to other gay people right?).

Now I don't want to upset my lesbian friends lesbian partner by making her worry that I will be in “FULL SEDUCTION MODE” because that's not how I roll. The whole thing will be TOTALLY SEX FREE. I promise. Sort of. Actually fuck that. No promises.

4) Ellen Degeneres

Yep, that's right, I may be getting two tickets to The Ellen Show, so I figure I would reciprocate the kindness if I did get them. What kind of lezzo would my lesbian friend be if she did not want to go to Ellen? I mean shit, that's like a lesbian version of Graceland or something right? I personally think it's a pretty good trade!

In other news, I have tried to get on The Ellen Show and have also received an e-mail from them. Of course it's a stock fucking email but shit! An ACTUAL EMAIL FROM ELLEN! SORT OF! So yeah, take me to the damn event already!

3) Concert

Sorry to be serious, but I'll keep it short. If my friend takes me I will do a personal concert for her as well as regale her with crazy ass stories I am putting in the book. Since 2010 I have recorded and produced two full length albums of original songs, 13 long form podcasts, 60 short ones, a handfull ofvideos and almost a full book's worth of BS Reports. What I'm saying is that entertainment won't be a problem.

2) I REALLY NEED A FUCKING BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So my cards are on the table and I'm begging now. PLEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAASEEEE! PUUUUUUUUPPPPYY DDDOOOOOOOOOGGGGGGGG EYESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!! GIVE IT TOOOOO MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED! I NNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDD! I'LLLL WAAAAAAAAAAAAAALK AAAAAALLLLLL YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOURRRRRRRRR DOOOOOOOOOOOOGGGGGGSSSSSSSS!!!!

So yes, we have already established the fact that all lesbians own lots of dogs, and I am here to say that I'll walk those pooches all over! I'm good as hell at walking and though I'm not a “Dog Man” myself, I'll bit that bullet. But back to the begging.

To be totally honest, I'm broke as hell and I need to get a publishing deal. Hell, If Fifty Shades of Gay got published, surely an insane story written by a guy who has made Robert Pattinsons dad do a double take should be publishable. In fact, it's easier to get published writing memoirs than doing anything else. I mean come on!

This was a damn close call, but the bastard never looked up!

Crazy Story Time!!!!!

It was May 2010 and I was just about to start my adventure and I ran into my old co-worker from OlssonManufacturing, Kris Kross. We decided that the best thing we could do would be to drink beer at the horseshoe pits at Green Lake in Seattle. So we did. While we were there a couple of dudes came up (one of whom was M.C. Hammer) and they were a bit drunk. As soon as I walked past M.C. Hammer twidentified the ever lovin' shit out of me! “Hey! Your that damn Twilight guy aren't you! I saw you on Ellen!” and so forth. I actually had a hard time convincing M.C. Hammer that I wasn't. Needless to say I drank a few beers with M.C. Hammer after that!

Of course a discerning reader would probably ask why I didn't stay in contact with M.C. Hammer after that. I mean he has to have a Twitter right? Well rest assured, I follow MC Hammer on Twitter and it's great! Not quite Mike Tyson great, but still really cool! The rub here is that the M.C. Hammer I met was a white guy named Michael Clark Hammer. He rolled up his damn sleeve and showed me a tattoo, so I think the story is legit. 2 Legit actually.

1) THERE IS NO LESBIAN WITHOUT ME!!!!

It's right there in the name. Les B IAN! Yeah! Put that in your collective pipes! Now every time a lesbian thinks about the word lesbian (which I imagine is probably all they think about, those people) my face will come floating through their thought bubbles! Probably actually this single reason is enough to warrant taking my broke ass to the HollyWOOODDDD PREMIEREEEE!!!!! Oh yeah, and it would also be funnier than fucking hell!

Dedicated to my friend Shelly. Love the Buzzard. The end.

Postscript: I have procrastinated the hell out of this, but I sure hope she fucking takes me. Plus, I consider myself “a good lay” if the shit hits the fan and she turns straight.

11) I am possibly part gay myself

Now I don't mean that in a “I kind of like man ass when I'm drunk” way, I like to think I'm sort of “progressive” though. What I'm getting at is this. Because I have never “really liked dick” I consider myself a flaming heterosexual. That said, there will always be a 15% “FUDGE FACTOR”! I mean, some people think you can turn gay, so I want to allow myself some “room to grow” or whatever the hell the kids are sayin'!

True Story:

Back in the day I was painting for a real son of a bitch. One day at the job site, I told the crew I was 90% straight and being painters, they freaked the fuck out! Which is one of the reasons I have sort of always been the weird guy on the construction sites, reading books and not having kids in my early 20's and shit! OK, so now I think I'm really done and I leave you with a few pictures of men who look like old lesbians. Because that's probably me some day. Love Barnes. The End.  

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY DOGS I OWN???

LAST REASON FINAL ANSWER: I have neglected to mention that Shelley is in fact going to be in my book if it gets published. So that right there is a good reason to take me. She and I will get famous together if she likes. NOW TAKE ME TO THE MOVIES! LOVE BAZZA