The Buzzsaw Report is a production of Hoboe Enterprises. It is not liable for any actions taken by readers due to content that they read. All content can be blamed entirely on Ian "Buzzsaw" Barnes, though he doesn't really care. Have a lovely read!
As my readers surely know, the sheer volume of mail I receive on an hourly basis makes the inbox at www.Santaclaus.com look as empty as a supermodels stomach at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade! One of my most passionate readers named Laci has even been asking me every hour on the hour for "riding lessons"! Now that is funny! Not only am I extremely limited in the "coordination" department, but the last time I even rode a horse I fell off! Chalk that up as one of those "trying to shoot a basket while on horseback" type deals! Ha! Well I figured that the next best thing would to be to do what sounds closest, "writing lessons"! So here you have it, the official BS report on "how to write"!
Goodbye horsies! I won't be needing you now!
Step one to being a good at writing is quite simple really. Never under any circumcisions write if you are in any way happy. It would be preferable for an aspiring writer to be stone dead than to be content, or God forbid, ecstatic! Just think of all the dead or dying writers who killed themselves! Ernist Himmingway, Hunter S. Thomas, Thomas Kinkaide, and the lisp goes on! Anger is the spice in the stews which are "books" as well as "pamphlets" & "textbooks"! Please, do not leave home without it.
Step two is a simpleton as well. Please underline the following (if you are writing on your computer monitor be sure to use PERMANENT markers): Truth is sort of important, but not really. At the end of the day, will your reeder say "Gee, that pamphlet about my gun safe sure was truthful!" No writer would want that. A truthful pamphlet is just about as memorable as the results from your geriatric fathers last stool sample. After awhile the truth sort of blends together into a brown color or maybe gravy grey. What your stool sample (pamphlet, book, textbook etc) needs is those little pieces of corn, or the purple color which comes from eating only beets! Make your writing "pop" no matter what it takes. The history of the world is created by those with a knack for storytelling, it is how we GET THINGS DONE!
Step three to becoming a great writer is to be born a genius. This is a wonderful addition to anyone's "toolbox" without which I would only be writing for free on the Internet instead of as a WEBSITE OWNER OPERATOR! So if you want to play with the big boys, this little asset is a "must have"!
Step four is to never overestimate your reading audience. If you do the fear of defeat will destroy you like a modern day Icarus! One step I take before I put fingers to keyboard is to picture my audience as a work gang of prisoners. Or as a large and lovely gaggle of naughty nurses. Another special favorite of mine is to pretend that my readers are trapped as geisha in a Japanese geisha house, and only my brilliance (and rugged sexuality) can save them. My readers need me. Without me they would die! At the very least they would be taken advantage of by aging Japanese businessmen. In other words, I am VERY IMPORTANT!
Step four is that the writer is always right! Or write! No matter what, any negative feedback is created by simpletons and chippies. Treat any "you might try doing _____" as a ducks back would treat water. It is not to be minded. Do you think S. Scott Fitzjerald would listen if he were told The Grate Gatsby was a steaming heap of whale dung? You can rest assured that he would not! He would have challenged his critics to a jewel!
Step D is simply this, a writer is his own best friend. Get over the fact that others will do that for you. As such it is key to champion your own work. In the modern day of Internet writing, this can be accomplished by creating multiple accounts on various social media through whom you can give yourself positive to glowing reviews! Or positively glowing reviews. Only remember not to give yourself HIV positive reviews. And if you do have an audience which is smarter than "dumber than a spoonful of idiots" you may want to make sure you have several computers with different IP addresses (I am lucky not to have to worry about this, I do not know what an IP is!). Please, enjoy step D and be safe.
So there you have it, a simple 12 step program on becoming "being good at writing"! I hope you like it, you really have no choice!
As you may have gathered by the title, this particular entry in the world of BS is directly related to nudie beaches. Well, truthfully one nudie beach. My readers may be aware that I have recently transported myself from Washington State (the cold wet corner of the continental US) to South Australia, in particular Maslin Beach outside of Adelaide. If any of you are brave (or pervs) or brave pervs, type "Maslin Beach+Nude Olympics" into your google image search. If you must know, I am about two minutes walk from the "Unclad" section of Maslin beach. The other day I had some down time and decided to take a walk.
Scene: The sun is shining and a strong westerly wind is blowing strong and cool on the wide strip of sand which curves below the cliffs and rocky outcroppings that shelter the beach from prying eyes. I walked slowly, surveying the land. The water was cold, and I decided that due to the strong wind, it was not a great day for swimming. But a lot of people (men) seemed to think it was a great day to enjoy the beach. There are a lot of little canyons which pairs of nudies disappear into, at an alarming rate. I decided to stick to the beach no matter what. At one point I looked up and saw that a nude man had managed to scale the cliff, popping out proudly to survey the land. I continued down the beach. Finally when I decided to turn back, a geezer walking down the beach struck up a conversation with me.
Geezer: Aw, it's like a bloody sandblaster out here today!
Me: Yeah, it seems like it's a bad day for swimming!
Geezer: Right! So you from America?
Me: Yeah, I have been living up the beach on Oleander road.
Geezer: You get your gear off? (do you go nude?)
Me: Well I had a bit of work to do, just wanted to take a walk on the beach!
[a long haired nudie goes jogging by in what seems like slow motion. Majestic]
Geezer: Alright, well I'm just gonna drop these things and let the wind blow about my balls a bit!
[We nod and go our separate ways]
Editors note: please imagine the geezer with a thick Aussie accent.
I am currently sitting in the “coach” section of a United Airlines flight en route from San Francisco to Sydney AU. To begin with, I am simply happy to be here (that is unless we plunge into the Pacific at some point, or a baby starts caterwauling). It was tense at the gate, flying standby; I was terrified that I would miss the plane, and thus my connecting flight from Sydney to Adelaide. Needless to say, I made it. But the fact that I was pacing the concourse muttering vulgarities when I thought I would not be called is less interesting than the items presently of note.
Item 1: Business class. Yes, I am in coach, and if I had chosen to fly out tomorrow I could have gotten the upgrade. Unfortunately for me, but fortunately for you, I can only watch the proceedings up there through a mesh screen. This is what I know about business class. Clearly there is a lot of towel play up there. The one man I can see has a towel draped over his shoulders (which he much enjoys). He was also delivered a towel after his meal. I just saw one of the flight attendants flourishing a towel, an extra towel that she draped over the food/towel cart, just perhaps to flaunt the fact that they have as surplus of towels. In the coach section I see nary a napkin, let alone, a soothing, milky, delicious towel…
Item 2: The classical music. It is said that classical music makes your brain grow. If this is truly the case I plan on growing my brain at an alarming rate. I have been listening to classical music (sonatas and symphonies for the idiots out there) for OVER AN HOUR!!!!! By the time we touchdown that will be more like 12 HOURS! Which in my opinion is similar to being a genius!
Item 3: Pirates of the Caribbean. Number 3? Watching without sound, I will attempt to summarize it. I do not think this is the first movie, I have yet to see Orlando Gloom. But let me try and summarize it for you. At some point the gay handicapped British naval officer was peeping at Depp (who is sort of a cross between Bob Marley and that pick up artist guy). The officer had a “moment” with a closeted naval officer. Also Johnny Depp's dad (they look the same) was making the ropes turn into the snake from Anaconda and tie up Depp’s men on their own volition (in a painful sequence I call “Rope-Anaconda). Also the female lead is very good at fighting without getting dirty. I then stopped watching in order to eat. When I looked up the useless guy who was previously tied to the mast was stabling a hot mermaid through the tail. Now Depp and the female lead (she is wearing a hat I think I saw Sheryl Crow wearing) are in a jungle. The mermaid is pining to death in a tiny aquarium. Zombie Laurence Fishburn is hoping to kill the mermaid. Now Depp is flirting with Sheryl Crow. Funny, he kind of looks like Kid Rock might look like if he were gayer and a pirate. Well, since this movie is bound to last for another 8 hours, I better stop watching it. It stands to reason that the idiocy which is the Pirates of The Caribbean series will undo all the work that classical music is accomplishing in my mind. I cannot risk this.
Item 4: The chicken meal. Having seen the movie airplane, and knowing what airlines can do to “meat” I opted for the ravioli. It tasted like a Hungry Man dinner. Decent.
Item 5: I would like to thank my friend, code name L.O.G. for getting me a buddy pass. It allowed me to fly for $372 from San Francisco to Sydney. That my friends, is a very good thing. For now, I bid you farewell.
Postscript: This movie is almost making me wish they were showing Avatar. Not really, but sadly that might be an improvement. Several of the passengers have freaked out and had to be restrained. If they were listening to the “movements” I am engrossed in, their lives might have been stable enough to allow them to watch this vulgarity. I am depressed to inform you that it was a huge hit. A terrible and huge blockbuster.
Postscript two: The “piece” I am listening to has a refrain which was lifted directly from Alan Shermans “Camp Granada”! See, I am already getting smart!
Of note: We now have four hours left. The in flight movies were: Water For Elephants, in which Robert Pattinson does all he can to be taken seriously and Reese Witherspoon has a weird chin. Next we watchedRio (I wish we were watching Brazil). It was like every Pixar movie, I could summarize it by taking a review from Toy Story and changing the characters and setting.But that is uninteresting. In front of me an Aussie guy is trying to drink himself to sleep (6 wine bottles in three hours). He has been cut off by the flight attendants. His last bottle was delivered about 20 minutes ago, and the flight attendant said it would be the last for awhile. So he rang the bell, and when she arrived she asked him if he needed a bikkie. He drunkenly said “you’re not gonna like this” at which point she told him that they had been discussing it and he was getting cut off for the time being. She brought another attendant up to help say no. Lastly, the man with the towels is now completely draped in a bundle of white. He could be a polar bear for all I know. Thank god he isn’t hungry. And the drunk guy was asleep less than a minute after his last attempt at wine. That is all for now.
Of note: we are now watching a Discovery channel show in which people do their jobs. Perhaps it is called “Marble Slab Extractors” or “Snow Slabbers” because they are doing that.
The current situation: Drunk guy roused himself and has attempted to get wine twice. I think he is currently asleep. Instead of a movie, they are showing an episode of “House” in which Hugh Laurie grimaces, pops pills and acts like a dick, all while saving lives. It also seems odd to me that at this hospital the staff will go to your home and go through your things to figure out what is wrong with you. Perhaps they are doing this for all the illegal aliens who are sucking the American health care system dry. Also in this episode, Hugh Laurie hobbles a lot. I find it amazing that they continue to find subject matter for this show. Oh, and some guy tried to kill himself, the nurses went and looked through his freezer, showing each other his steak. House is as watchable as road striping.
Today’s BS Report is not so much a piece of writing as it is a celebration. A gift unequaled in its merit and free for the taking. There are times in life when a beautiful flower will reveal itself to us, a sunset give us it’s dying light as a gift beholden. These days and moments are like symphony’s of the soul, the balm of the heart, and our lives are better for having seen them. What follows is one of these. The words of an anonymous traveler, etched forever on the Oak tree which is the Internet. It is a heart carved with a space left for each and everyone of us to carve our own initials in that space. So please my friend, read this, bathe in the glory, and carve your own initials next to it. I pass on this blessing, as a soothing elixer for your soul! [Also I am sure it is even funnier if you are a bit drunk]
Too many Weirdo's of Females (Pahoa)
My gosh, as a visitor from the mainland visiting the isle of hawaii Pahoa town...i cant believe HOW mentally off many young women are there in this Pahoa town, caucasian and locals alike who talk to trees and talks to there invisible friend (no blue tooth on there ear)...
We will never know if She have Blue tooth on the ear!
how can anyone live in this beautiful isle's with many many Mentally ill females there, Plus i see prostitudes there and obnoxious men there who hangs out at the bar there in the heart of pahoa town, How disgusting pahoa town has turned up to be...as a visitor from the east coast...I rather be back in my homeland where there is many normal, descent respectable middle class neighbors who dont go strutting there bodies out there looking for any goons to bed down with,
Goon to be back! Goon to meet ya! How's it goon? Here today goon tomorrow!
Plus the men there in Pahoa town who hangs out at night is revolting..ugly, toothless, and smelly, and Messy.. the females there too smells pretty "rotten" and Mouthy and roudy to boot !! bad feedback will be spread around my state about this drug infested, hookerland, drunk, hippie pahoa land!! Thumbs DOWN to Druggie Slutland pahoa!!!!! I hope the Fed's will Crack down on Pahoa town and ARRESTS all these weird Hooker's and druggies there!! and stiffen up the law's there!!
Editors note: If I in anyway could imrove upon the body of text here, I would be more than a genius. I would be a superhuman. Alas I am just a man. A man who is looking for a goon.
