Graduating!

Last night I recorded my radio demo for the Australian Radio School! I was also given the opportunity to record a commercial using the voiceover talents of Claire, one of my classmates! She played an angry feminist vegetarian (vego) protesting outside a burger joint! It should be done soon and I will post the whole thing for your listening displeasure! Now that I am finishing up, it looks like I will be heading back up to Portland to work and produce my new podcast among other things. This of course means leaving Australia, which will be tough for many reasons. That said, you can only do what you have to do and take care of the things you can take care of. For me that means getting work in radio, social media, audio production and marketing.

Of course I will miss being down here, but not all aspects. Here is a short list of the things I will not miss:

• The wireless internet at McDonalds
• The cost of beer
• The public library internet!

That said, it is still pretty nice down here and I suggest you all visit!

Marsupial Genitals 101

Most of my readers will not have had the chance to view kangaroo testicles at close range. Fortunately for you, I have. In short, they are hilarious looking. That visual comedy also "extends" itself to kangaroo "wangs" as well. As I can think of no way to segue into "normal" territory, I had better explain...


(I am writing this on my cellphone whilst watching Aladin with The Child, my 4 year old future step daughter. I forgot how "subtly" racist this movie is. Oh yeah, it was made by Disney...)

A couple of weeks ago I took The Child to Urbambirra Wildlife Park to kill the time while her mum was at work. We had been in October, during which time we fed a koala and I was chased by an enraged duck (he must have been intimidated by my "animal magnetism").

We were looking for the duck of course. The Child REALLY liked watching me run terrified from it's impotent rage. We never found it, instead making the rounds and feeding various kangaroos, looking at the echidna, and playing Three Billy Goats Gruff on the bridge over the stream.

We were waiting for the 2 PM koala feeding when we were accosted by an aggressively hungry kangaroo. No matter how much we fed it the bastard kept trying to get at our food. It was then that I noticed that it had a baby in it's pouch!

Eating for two! Those crazy mums and their cravings! I bent down to get a closer look. It had a tail poking out of it's pouch, and it must have been a very young Joey because it was virtually hairless. I called The Child over to have a look at the cute little Joey...

Right as she got there I noticed them. About the size of a softball, fuzzy and dangling from the belly of the "mum" as a sign of fertility. Testes. I realized this as time stood still. The second later my stunned silence was broken by The Child.

"It's his willy! It's his WILLY!! His willy!!!!!" She could not contain herself. Thankfully for me nobody else was paying attention and we were able to have a laugh. In fact it was the hardest either of us had ever laughed about marsupial genitalia.

Postscript: The Missus was only mildly amused by the situation, and for some reason she thinks it is weird/problematic that I let The Child eat spaghetti in the bath. The end.

Postscript 2: if I have neglected to utilize such descriptive phrases as "balls like a speed bag" or "dick like a denuded and pointy anteater snout" or even "angular flesh toned sex finger" I apologize profusely. Sincerely, your mentally unfit Internet "friend" AKA, Buzz

Postscript 3: I do not call them "Wangaroos" but you can. Also, if you want a picture, look one up yourself. It is the internet after all.

The Hills Are Alive (With The Sound Of Nudies...)!

Pictured: Not Nudies

Those who have had the good taste to read The BS Report lately may have noticed more than a few references to "Nudie Beach", which of course is right down the hill from the house I am currently living in. You will probably not be aware that I have recently been watching Sound Of Music with my old lady's 4 year old daughter, who is also my boss. That is where the title comes from, and from here we depart.

Ever since my old lady had to sack her only full time server at the pub, I have been going in and helping her get the furniture set up for each day. Today was no exception, and when I was finished and enjoying my coffee and an internet session, I was conscripted by the child to water flowers. Then I was told that we were supposed to go into the office and do some important work for her mum. I can only remember one instance of her trying to get me to eat a chalk covered piece of blu-tack. Soon her Nan arrived and they left to inspect the 8 Barbies her Granddad bought her on E-Bay. I decided it was time to go home, but we needed petrol, and The Missus foolishly gave me her bank card...

Now you know I love the beach, but the truth is I have been stuck at the house for weeks. I know what is there, exhibit one being a stupid ill-mannered puppy whose sole positive attribute is her cuteness. It was not a great draw. So I filled up BlueBell (the vehicle) and reluctantly turned towards home. At this point I decided to do something rash. I was going to Kangarilla! Since The Missus was stuck at work and my phone was dead, I was essentially a free man!

So I wheeled Bluebell down Kangarilla road, and out through the small town of McLaren Flats. The vineyards stretched on either side, and soon the wide gum trees were stretching their light green leaves nearly all the way across the road. Once I cleared McLaren Flats, the land was mostly occupied by various farms and vineyards. A citrus orchard, a camel farm, a group of recently shorn Alpacas. It was not long until I was right up against the foothills, the road curving to the left. The houses are old out there, one storey stone and brick, with wrap around porches and galvanized water tanks to stay wet during the dry season.

In about 15 minutes I had reached the town of Kangarila, and there was not much there. A petrol station, a primary school and a post office, and the end of Kangarilla road. I decided to take a right, which lead me into a deep valley between the steeply sloped hills. The old houses were mostly on the left side of the road, hidden in a lush fold of land behind various trees and flowering bushes. It was clear that there was at least a seasonal stream running through it which made it so green. On the right hand side the round hills were a mixture of gum trees and grass. The cloudy sky grey behind the green and yellow color field. Then I rounded a curve and saw a small pine stand, and as I passed noticed a parking lot and a gate. Since I had no plans beyond shirking my duties, I turned around and parked. I was the only one there, it was a good day for a hike.

Starting up the path I hoped it would not start raining, but soon I was in under the trees and that was forgotten. The pine stand was planted, the trees in neat rows, but they were tall and I could hear many different bird calls, so it was clear it was inhabited. The pine grew to my right up the steeply sloping hill. To my left grew a mix of gums and pines, with various paths leading off into the forest. A bird called and I glanced up to see what looked like a small hawk flying back away from the opening made by the path. Ahead I saw magpies and some sort of crow with white tips on the wings. The crows made a much more bearable sound than the ones I am used to, perhaps it is their Australian accent. On the path I saw what I figured were Kangaroo droppings. I was watching the trees for any sign of movement.

The sounds of birds were constant and varied. From short chirps to croaks and coos. Some I could see, but most stayed invisible. I saw a path of grass open up to the left and the gums, so I followed it up, until it looped back to the main path, right up between the split forest. I was hiking hard. I wanted to be sure I got to the top, and I had no idea how far I would have to go. I took off my tee-shirt and continued on in my undershirt, which was wet with sweat. It seemed like mosquito country, so I listened for the tell-tale whine, but hearing nothing kept heading up the steep grade.

A path intersected mine from the pine grove, but I was not deterred. I could see what looked like the top of the ridge through the trees. First through the gums because they did not grow so close together. It was not long before I saw that the pines were not stretching up so steeply, and then I saw sky. In a couple of minutes I was at the end of the track I was on. I had reached the top of the ridge, and at this point the path became a T, on the left leading back up into what I knew to be more hills, the right leading to a viewpoint over the valley. I turned to the right to see where I was at.

It was probably only 100 meters before I came to a gate with a sign that read "Authorized Personnel Only" it was open. It was a huge dilemma for me. I knew I was not authorized, but I wanted to see the view. Ad the gate was open. So I snuck through far enough to see the view of the Onkaparinga Valley below. It was amazing how much elevation I had gained, far below me the vineyards in their pale green rows stretched diagonally from the road. I could see the farms and the snakelike form of Kangarilla road. But I was worried about not being authorized, so I walked back through the gate and turned left, keeping the neat rows of pine to my right. To my left was a barb wire cattle fence. On the ground I saw a large turd that looked bovine in nature (a bovine which had been eating bad Mexican food judging by consistency). There were no cows to be seen but I was on alert. Suddenly I heard something to my left, and looking over I saw a pair of adult Kangaroos moving in the fenced in planting between the field and the pine grove. They had probably been eating the young plants which had been carefully fenced off from the cattle.

Sort of like these two, except they were both adults and jumping away from me!

The bigger of the two 'roos took a couple of bounds, turned left and cleared the fence in a single bound. The smaller one was slower, and perhaps unsure. Instead of clearing the fence, he somehow managed to jump through the middle strands of barbwire, and they both bounded out of sight down into the pasture land. What struck me most aside from their grace and beauty, was the obvious power in their tails. They used them when they jumped, and when the big one cleared the fence I could see the large brown tail flex as it sprung. They are strange and beautiful animals, and I felt oddly honored to have finally seen on in the wild. I continued my trek, hoping to see more, but knowing that the chances were slim, as the pines seemed ill fitting to the grazing habits of kangaroos, and I soon came abreast of the cattle herd.

The path swung right up to the steep edge of the hill leading down to the road, and then swept in under the pines. I saw a few jumps constructed by mountain bikers much braver than I, but no more 'roos. Soon I was back at the car, sweaty, hungry, and very happy I had not gone home. I made my way back to the pub, where I told The Missus about it all. And now I am telling you (all 4 of my readers). Sincerely, The Kangaroo Hunter

Intro to Nudie Beach!

As you may have gathered by the title, this particular entry in the world of BS is directly related to nudie beaches. Well, truthfully one nudie beach. My readers may be aware that I have recently transported myself from Washington State (the cold wet corner of the continental US) to South Australia, in particular Maslin Beach outside of Adelaide. If any of you are brave (or pervs) or brave pervs, type "Maslin Beach+Nude Olympics" into your google image search. If you must know, I am about two minutes walk from the "Unclad" section of Maslin beach. The other day I had some down time and decided to take a walk.

Scene: The sun is shining and a strong westerly wind is blowing strong and cool on the wide strip of sand which curves below the cliffs and rocky outcroppings that shelter the beach from prying eyes. I walked slowly, surveying the land. The water was cold, and I decided that due to the strong wind, it was not a great day for swimming. But a lot of people (men) seemed to think it was a great day to enjoy the beach. There are a lot of little canyons which pairs of nudies disappear into, at an alarming rate. I decided to stick to the beach no matter what. At one point I looked up and saw that a nude man had managed to scale the cliff, popping out proudly to survey the land. I continued down the beach. Finally when I decided to turn back, a geezer walking down the beach struck up a conversation with me.

Geezer: Aw, it's like a bloody sandblaster out here today!
Me: Yeah, it seems like it's a bad day for swimming!
Geezer: Right! So you from America?
Me: Yeah, I have been living up the beach on Oleander road.
Geezer: You get your gear off? (do you go nude?)
Me: Well I had a bit of work to do, just wanted to take a walk on the beach!
[a long haired nudie goes jogging by in what seems like slow motion. Majestic]
Geezer: Alright, well I'm just gonna drop these things and let the wind blow about my balls a bit!
[We nod and go our separate ways]

Editors note: please imagine the geezer with a thick Aussie accent.

How to fly to Australia (like a total rock star)!!!!

I am currently sitting in the “coach” section of a United Airlines flight en route from San Francisco to Sydney AU. To begin with, I am simply happy to be here (that is unless we plunge into the Pacific at some point, or a baby starts caterwauling). It was tense at the gate, flying standby; I was terrified that I would miss the plane, and thus my connecting flight from Sydney to Adelaide. Needless to say, I made it. But the fact that I was pacing the concourse muttering vulgarities when I thought I would not be called is less interesting than the items presently of note.

Item 1: Business class. Yes, I am in coach, and if I had chosen to fly out tomorrow I could have gotten the upgrade. Unfortunately for me, but fortunately for you, I can only watch the proceedings up there through a mesh screen. This is what I know about business class. Clearly there is a lot of towel play up there. The one man I can see has a towel draped over his shoulders (which he much enjoys). He was also delivered a towel after his meal. I just saw one of the flight attendants flourishing a towel, an extra towel that she draped over the food/towel cart, just perhaps to flaunt the fact that they have as surplus of towels. In the coach section I see nary a napkin, let alone, a soothing, milky, delicious towel…

Item 2:  The classical music. It is said that classical music makes your brain grow. If this is truly the case I plan on growing my brain at an alarming rate. I have been listening to classical music (sonatas and symphonies for the idiots out there) for OVER AN HOUR!!!!! By the time we touchdown that will be more like 12 HOURS! Which in my opinion is similar to being a genius!

Item 3: Pirates of the Caribbean. Number 3? Watching without sound, I will attempt to summarize it. I do not think this is the first movie, I have yet to see Orlando Gloom. But let me try and summarize it for you. At some point the gay handicapped British naval officer was peeping at Depp (who is sort of a cross between Bob Marley and that pick up artist guy). The officer had a “moment” with a closeted naval officer. Also Johnny Depp's dad (they look the same) was making the ropes turn into the snake from Anaconda and tie up Depp’s men on their own volition (in a painful sequence I call “Rope-Anaconda). Also the female lead is very good at fighting without getting dirty. I then stopped watching in order to eat. When I looked up the useless guy who was previously tied to the mast was stabling a hot mermaid through the tail. Now Depp and the female lead (she is wearing a hat I think I saw Sheryl Crow wearing) are in a jungle. The mermaid is pining to death in a tiny aquarium. Zombie Laurence Fishburn is hoping to kill the mermaid. Now Depp is flirting with Sheryl Crow. Funny, he kind of looks like Kid Rock might look like if he were gayer and a pirate. Well, since this movie is bound to last for another 8 hours, I better stop watching it. It stands to reason that the idiocy which is the Pirates of The Caribbean series will undo all the work that classical music is accomplishing in my mind. I cannot risk this.

Item 4: The chicken meal. Having seen the movie airplane, and knowing what airlines can do to “meat” I opted for the ravioli. It tasted like a Hungry Man dinner. Decent.

Item 5: I would like to thank my friend, code name L.O.G. for getting me a buddy pass. It allowed me to fly for $372 from San Francisco to Sydney. That my friends, is a very good thing. For now, I bid you farewell.

Postscript: This movie is almost making me wish they were showing Avatar. Not really, but sadly that might be an improvement. Several of the passengers have freaked out and had to be restrained. If they were listening to the “movements” I am engrossed in, their lives might have been stable enough to allow them to watch this vulgarity. I am depressed to inform you that it was a huge hit. A terrible and huge blockbuster.

Postscript two: The “piece” I am listening to has a refrain which was lifted directly from Alan Shermans “Camp Granada”! See, I am already getting smart!

Of note: We now have four hours left. The in flight movies were: Water For Elephants, in which Robert Pattinson does all he can to be taken seriously and Reese Witherspoon has a weird chin. Next we watched  Rio (I wish we were watching Brazil). It was like every Pixar movie, I could summarize it by taking a review from Toy Story and changing the characters and setting.  But that is uninteresting. In front of me an Aussie guy is trying to drink himself to sleep (6 wine bottles in three hours). He has been cut off by the flight attendants. His last bottle was delivered about 20 minutes ago, and the flight attendant said it would be the last for awhile. So he rang the bell, and when she arrived she asked him if he needed a bikkie. He drunkenly said “you’re not gonna like this” at which point she told him that they had been discussing it and he was getting cut off for the time being. She brought another attendant up to help say no. Lastly, the man with the towels is now completely draped in a bundle of white. He could be a polar bear for all I know. Thank god he isn’t hungry. And the drunk guy was asleep less than a minute after his last attempt at wine. That is all for now.

Of note: we are now watching a Discovery channel show in which people do their jobs. Perhaps it is called “Marble Slab Extractors” or “Snow Slabbers” because they are doing that.

The current situation: Drunk guy roused himself and has attempted to get wine twice. I think he is currently asleep. Instead of a movie, they are showing an episode of “House” in which Hugh Laurie grimaces, pops pills and acts like a dick, all while saving lives. It also seems odd to me that at this hospital the staff will go to your home and go through your things to figure out what is wrong with you. Perhaps they are doing this for all the illegal aliens who are sucking the American health care system dry. Also in this episode, Hugh Laurie hobbles a lot. I find it amazing that they continue to find subject matter for this show. Oh, and some guy tried to kill himself, the nurses went and looked through his freezer, showing each other his steak. House is as watchable as road striping.

More BS qustions, answers are all true!

Since I have other more important work to do I have decided to dedicate myself to answering my reader’s questions. Here goes round two:

1)      Where were you in Baton Rouge when the black man said that Keith Urban “ain’t country!”? Bobbi McGee, Nashville TN

Dear Bobbi McGee, I was sitting at the breakfast nook at the Days Inn. I think it was days in, it could have been La Quinta. Either way it was very close to Perkins Rowe on the east side of the highway. There are a Mexican restaurant with a bunch of crazy metal sculptures and a gas station in the same parking lot. The fact of the matter is, he said it, and it is true. Though he may be talented, the very fact that his last name is URBAN says a lot! The truth is that there has not been a country song on the radio for years. Hell, people call Taylor Swift country but I have heard her and never noticed! Mainstream music will always leave you wanting truth. Though I think I might move to Nashville and start writing hits. I have always enjoyed using formulas.  I hope that answered your question Bobbi! Love IDB

2)      Hi there! When will you be coming to Canada so I can get a picture with you and you can jam? The Lovely One.

Dear TLO, at this point I am not quite sure. If you buy me a plane ticket I will be there quite soon. I am always up for adventure. If you live in Vancouver BC I might see you in late February when the Twilight cast arrives in town to finish making Breaking Wind. Aside from these two scenarios, as I mentioned before, if/when I ever get tied in with a proper tour and promotions I want to tour without stopping. So here are your options: Buy me a ticket. Buy you a ticket. Promote my work to others in hopes that my career takes off and I am not so damn broke! Thanks, Ian

3)      Dear Ian, Does Sequim WA have the best high school football games or what? Ashley in Sequim

Dear Ashley, Sequim High has a dominant team with awesome fan support. When I went to high school not only did our team stink, but I had the worst school spirit imaginable. When I went to your home game it was really fun to see all the wild fans go crazy as the team routed the opponents! I had so much fun that I am bummed that I only got to see two games this year. I was able to visit my high school and watch the homecoming game though, we won (surprisingly), and I got Twidentified by the opposing teams fans! It was fun, but Sequim is WAY more fun! So for those who are out of the loop, Sequim High School football rocks! Ian Barnes

4)      Are you ready for some football? Caleb KB, Portland OR

Dear Caleb, yes. IDB

5)      How many of your Twilight friends are single mothers? I have a feeling Twilight is huge with moms! Caleb KB, Portland OR

How right you are Mr. KB, how right you are! I don’t have any statistics, but I do know that there are millions of Twimoms! In fact I am a member of the Middle Georgia Twimoms as well as The South East Texas Twimoms! If it wasn’t for what I call the “older and bolder” I would have starved to death last summer in Forks! The Twi-teens are great but they are often a little shy. It takes the twimoms sometimes to break the ice! I don’t know how many are single, there are too many to count, but I am sure there are plenty. The world of Twilight Saga fandom is vast and varied. It is NOT just teens! It’s not just twimoms either! That is the fun. You never know who is a secret Twi-hard! Buzzsaw PS-I am about to mail you some money!

6)      When will your book be in stores? Another Friend From Hawaii

Dear AFFH, first of all, the book has not even been finished in first draft form. I am not going to tell you when it will be available; I haven’t even finished it yet. The truth is it might never be available! I am determined to finish it, but I am not deluded about the fact that a lot of good books have been written and never published. That said I think it would be a fool of a publisher if they did not swoop it up. When I am done with the draft and we edit it down to 300 pages I am sure it will have a broad appeal. I think it will resonate with the American spirit. We are a culture who is obsessed with celebrity but at the same time sucking down “reality” shows like nobody’s business! I think my story is sort of a blend of both. It’s even better because I am doing all these things with little or no money, simply because I want to get the best stories. And I have them, let me tell you. If you want to see my book in stores please promote my work by sending links to TV shows and newspapers. Your testimony will go a long way. Thanks, Ian

7)      Hi. Would you rather have a fox’s tail, rabbit ears, eyebrows that wiggle like a caterpillar, or hear the word “fart” every time you farted? Cat in Woodinville

Dear Cat. Eyebrows like a caterpillar. The first two don’t seem as fun. As for the last one, I think farting noises are hilarious. I can always say the word fart if I want. Also there are situations which require silent farts. It can be very important. If the word “fart” came out instead of sound I would always be blamed when it was me. I like ambiguity. Barnes

8)      Would you like to come over and have a dip in the pool? Michelle from Australia

Dear Michelle, yes, I love swimming. I will be there next week and I will be visiting for a year. IDB

9)      What do you think of Ted Williams? T from Sea

Dear T from Sea, I think that Ted Williams was a great baseball player who was reputedly a jerk. This is all I know. I did a little research to make sure that is what you are talking about. I am guessing that your Ted Williams is the “homeless man with the golden voice.” As for him I have only seen advertisements on Facebook. I am sure he is a great singer, a lot of homeless people are. It seems to me to be a bit of a publicity stunt on Oprah’s part though. There are lots of very talented homeless people. If she wanted to help them out she could easily do so without attracting attention to herself. I also wonder why they keep talking about him being homeless. It almost seems like a gimmick. His voice should be able to carry it. That said we are in the country that promotes the underdog. It is the American dream of rags to riches. I hope that he is able to develop a sustainable career and really get popular. I am usually happy when others succeed. I hope that makes sense, Buzzsaw

10)   What is the longest relationship you have been in? What happened to make it end? Queen Victoria

Dear Queen Vic, you really want to know? Probably 3 months tops. That is with official relationships. I have had longer relationships, those that were friendships hoping to turn into something more, but never quite made it. One early relationship ended with attempted suicide (not mine). Another simply faded out. We never got to know each other. She was having trouble opening up, and I was very involved in music projects. I moved away. There have been three others where I really felt like I was in love. Those three women have all married friends of mine. So we are all better friends because of it. It has been painful at times, but in reality I am glad I am single. It would be tough to do what I do and maintain a relationship. I really hope that I can get this book published and make some money so I have an excuse for all the traveling I want to do. Since I would rather have no relationship than a bad one, I am quite content for now. Of course I have no idea what might lie in store d