The Dating Game/Valentines Day

In America we can tell what time of year it is to some degree by the holiday trinkets being hawked by the grocery stores. If you see Christmas items you will know that it is at least August. By September you will see Halloween and Thanksgiving items. By early January cheap red plastic hearts, bad tasting heart shaped candy, and rose sales will remind you of the most pathetic of all holidays, Valentines day.

I am sure that I will take some heat for airing my opinion on the "holiday for lovers." Go ahead, complain, it only encourages me. My reasons for disliking Valentines day are seeming never ending. Essentially this is a fabricated holiday which preys on emotions and gives the illusion that one day of love will make up for an entire year of faded love. Not so. If feelings of guilt can spur "loving" actions, I don't think there is much love involved in the equation. Valentines day. The holiday for the unromantic. The holiday for greeting card companies to sell any kind of crap with a red heart on it.

One of the least romantic aspects of this pathetic holiday is the obligation. Don't forget. or you will be in trouble! Trouble? If I love someone I am not going to sit around waiting for Valentines day to express it. I would hope that my partner would not be holding a check list and rewarding me with "love" like a golden retriever. My personal opinion is that love is a special thing and should not be dictated by any outside forces. Such as See's candy.

The idea that Valentines day is somehow special is particularly laughable to me. How is running around doing what everyone else is doing special. It seems more special not to celebrate. Buying a greeting card with a trite message of love is not special. Do you realize that the people who write those messages are laughing about them? If it were me I would make them lame on purpose just to see if anyone would buy them. Do you think it's special to go to a crowded restaurant and wait for hours to get food. A lot of special people think it's special. Sounds dumb to me. Personally if I had a special someone I would take her out to an empty restaurant on February 15th. It is always nice to have a quiet dinner in a romantic setting. I would prefer not to be sitting next to the couple who actually hates each other and is celebrating the fact that the will be setting aside their differences for their once a year sex night.

Profess your love to me with cheap trinkets made by Chinese children! Share your heart with those disgusting heart shaped candies that say "Be Mine." Not this guy. I think it is well within anyone's power to make something unique and beautiful. That is why I studied jewelry making in college. Buying jewelry is insane. It probably has the highest mark-up of any available product. A diamond for Valentines day! That would be SO special!

Do you realize that diamonds are so common that they can be slurped from the slimy depths of the ocean floor by ships equipped with industrial Eureka vacuums? It's true. It's also true that diamonds are only valuable as tooling. As an abrasive a diamond is wonderful. As a gemstone the only value it has is projected.

Would you get drunk and go buy a car? No? Ah, I thought not. That's what you are doing when you buy jewelry for Valentines day. Not true you say. Do you really think that endorphins aren't affecting your buying choices? I hate to break it to you, but they are. Essentially you are taking powerful drugs and going out to spend money. Not the wisest choice you could be making. I would suggest taking your meanest most cynical friend along to properly burst your bubble. It might keep things a bit more down to earth.

By now I am sure that the reader must view me as cold hearted and cruel. If not, I hope you will after reading how I celebrate Valentines day.

I will not even enter a relationship between November and Valentines day. Reasons for this should be obvious. To begin with chances are the relationship might not make it past the three month mark. The last thing I want is to be obligated to buy a Christmas present for some girl I just started dating. Worse yet, I might need several months to really convince her that I actually do not celebrate Valentines day. It would be a tragedy if I got into a relationship, knew it was too close to Valentines day to get out of it, celebrated it once, then had to let her know that it would never happen again. Too tough. So ladies, look for me February 15th. It could be your lucky day.

PS-I would probably sell out and make a half hearted attempt to celebrate Valentines day in exchange for sex.

Note: I realize that in my haste St Valentine was sadly forgotten. I have no idea who he is. From what I gather he was neat. Huzzah! Another fact which I happened to omit was my dislike for the colors red and pink. Blue and green are my favorite colors.

Actual News! Forks High School Students Suspended!

I interrupt my usually completely fabricated works of truth, to bring something which is actually true! Of course I am not going to send you to real news sources, but I will summarize the story. Last week a student from Forks High School was suspended for wearing a Sex Pistols tee shirt to school. The student and friends thought this was unlawful, so they studied up and could not find evidence to prove otherwise. So they got a bunch of Sex Pistols shirts and wore them to school. They were summarily suspended. Now, you may say that my details are hazy, but I am busy so I am just using the parts of the story I have heard through the "vine" so bear with me.

To begin with I tried for 37 minutes to become offended by the phrase "Sex Pistols" it did not work. In fact the depressing part is that I did not even get horny! Damn! The only thing I could think of was Johnny Rotten's disgusting teeth, which was offensive. But the phrase Sex Pistols does nothing. So either I am too corrupt, which is highly plausible, or it is actually not offensive. So maybe I should take a look at both sides of the coin.

Offensive: I find it offensive to see a teenager wearing a Sex Pistols tee shirt. This is because I am neither having sex, or toting pistols. I would LOVE to be having sex right now! Instead I am offended because I am sitting in a motel in Winslow AZ, listening to the soft sounds of America's Funniest Home Videos! And I don't have a video on the show! If I had a pistol I would pull an Elvis Presley and shoot the TV, but instead I get to hear about these teeny boppers who are flaunting their sexuality and right to bear arms! Quit frankly, all I can think of is the sex I am not getting. It angers me. It angers me deeply. What, do these kids think they can be so selfish as to just rub it in everyone's face? I think not! Suspended! And if my sex life does not improve in the next two weeks, its the death sentence! You might say, "oh, your just being hard on them" and I would say, "What the hell was with that sexual innuendo? make another one and you die!" So, that's it for me, I say its banned and they can keep it the hell out of my school!

Not-Offensive: OK, I can see how the pistols thing is a bit extreme, what with school shootings and all, but sex? It's normal to have sex! Everyone of the parties involved was brought into this world through sex. Of course there is a chance that they were cloned, but since the Forks public library still has a significant VHS collection (including every season of The Highlander TV series) I would bet that cloning technology has not made it our fair city. Anyway, who cares if they have sex? If they have pistols too most likely they can provide for the kid, even if they do become criminals! so the whole thing seems dumb. Do you want to know what really offends me? The music of The Sex Pistols. I just think they sucked. They might have had some degree of talent, but I could never tell from any of the songs I heard. Their best attribute was that the songs were short. You don't have to wait long for the noise to stop. Do I think they are cool? Kind of. I personally think that Joe Strummer and the boys from The Clash had a lot more talent. But who cares? What REALLY offends me is the fact that McDonalds makes people who like hamburgers out to be felonious hamburger stealing freaks! The Hamburgler my ass! It is a metaphor for the American people! And I don't like it! Don't tread on me! In closing, I am not offended by the phrase "The Sex Pistols" but I am offended by the lack of nudity in our society! Fin!

My Actual Opinion: I don't know what that all even means, I don't really care. I guess my true opinion fits in somewhere in the middle. In reality ever since I took a trip to Japan in 2005 I have been a supporter of school uniforms. I am sure this will raise an outcry, and in high school I would have freaked out to. But here is why. With uniforms you do away with the "cool kids", at least when defined by fashion. Kids in uniforms all look nerdy. So they are evened out. Nerds are the same as the jocks. rich kids the same as the poor kids. Until I saw this in practice I did not get it. But it would do away with a lot of dumb problems. It would also make it easy to identify those on campus who were not students. I think the teachers should have uniforms as well. It saves a lot of time when deciding what to wear. So I guess I am going against the grain on this one. But before you get angry, read my disclaimer. Buzzsaw.