MOM.COM!!! The Buzzsaw Mommy Blog!

I wanted to start this post with a picture that my eldest Onyx sent me of the updo she is about to get! The doctor she is on a date with said he would pay! For a 15 year old she is a good little gold digger already! Mommy (Buzzsaw) taught you well!

I think this will look *super* cute! LOL!

OK, now that I super supported my daughter I want to take a few minutes to talk serious about some of the haters who are saying my blog is slutlike and promotes promiscuity. Normally I wouldn't think twice to slap a ho' but I imagine that the bitch who complained is just another bridezilla in a sexless marriage yearning for a bit of hanky panky! Anyway, what matters is that I love my kids no matter what! No matter what! which brings us to the topic at hand: MY BOOOOOOOYS!!!!

This is what they will probably look like when  they are older!

If you were stupid enough not to read about me on my first mommy blog, then you may not know about my two twins, Kaydyn and Adyn. They are twelve and just had to redo 6th grade because their son of a bitch principle said they "lacked sufficient social/academic skills" whatever that means. Anyway, the man is an ASS! He has a comb over and wears a fanny pack for crying out loud! He also had the nerve to tell me that my skirt was too short and the fishnet stocking were "inapropriate" for a class field trip to the morgue! The reason they took the boys to the morgue was to "scare them straight" whatever that means. Of course, Kadyn and Adyn had fun stuffing their fortunes from our dim sum lunch up the nose of a man who had a viagra caused heart attack! Talk about a "stiff"!!! Well after that I had just about enough of that terrible man and when Adyn asked if we could go get a Ouija board to see if we could summon any of the spirits I gladly obliged. When we got home I smoked a bunch of cigarettes and combed out their rat tails while they worked on contacting the spirit world. Here is their HILARIOUS dialogue:

Kadyn: How the fuck does this fucking piece of shit even work? Its just a fucking pointer and an alphabet on another piece of wood, what a jizz soaked nightmare!

Adyn: You fucking TWAT! Don't you fucking even know how to read? The fucking hands of the evil one will guide your pointer as the words of the dead are passed on to the enlightened. God, you are such a fucking dunce.

Kadyn: Jesus you prick! MOM! Give me a drag! That little fucker is hurting my feelings again! (He takes a deep drag from my Virginia Slim) SHIT MOM! I hate when you get lipstick all over your smokes! It's SICK!

Adyn: Hey dumbass, why don't you steal your own fucking smokes if you hate it so much. BITCH ASS DILDO HOLSTER!

[crash! now it's a rumble! with rat tails flying the twins square off! with raised fists our two pugilists are ready for anything! bam. Adyn lands a strong right cross, but Kadyn counters with a kick to the knee and a swing of a high heel that Onyx left out in the living room! if you were only here we could get a nice little pool going. the boys are almost equal in strength, though Adyn has the larger brain. anyway, that was pretty much it]

Well, that's all for now, just wanted to update you! Love Mr Mommy!

Mom Is The Bomb! The Buzzsaw Mommy Blog!

For many of my readers it may come as quite a shock that I decided to turn The Buzzsaw Report into a mommy blog, but I have my reasons and shame on you for questioning me! Tsk tsk! Actually, full disclosure, the main reason I decided to do it was because Mommy blogs are really popular with female readers. Actually that is the only reason. Anyway, let me tell you about my latest creation!

One of the many aspects of mommy blogging is arts and crafts. So I have been working like a madman (woman) on all kinds of themed macrame! Here are just a few examples!

This one almost ended in CATastrophe!

I sold the whole KITTEN caboodle on my Etsy site!

I copied this one from a CATalog!

Not like I get to do that stuff all the time, what with looking after my twins, Kadyn and Adyn! Of course Onyx, my eldest is very independent at 15, in fact I just took her in to Mr Nasty's Tatoo Emporium and she got a rocking little tramp stamp! It is super sexy and I happily signed the parental consent. Of course since I have been prescribed Xanax for my anxiety disorder I have really started to go with the flow! For the most part my parental philosophy has been to simply let kids be kids! That's why I wasn't super worried when Kadyn got suspended from 7th grade for throwing clay at a teachers window! From what he says she is a major bitch and had it coming! In my opinion, she actually got lucky! Kadyn is a cunning little fucker, so if he really wanted to he could probably destroy you computer wise! See, I bought all my kids all the latest stuff at a young age and now they are hella computer literate! Actually Onyx has been getting a lot of dates through Zoosk and Plenty Of Fish, which is super good for her! She is super into older men, so the online dating thing is WAY better! Actually she just walked in to my study and said she is going to a musical WITH A DOCTOR!!!! SQUUEEEEEEEE!!!! He's a TOTAL hardbody! Anyway, one of these days we will have to go on a double date, but I would hate to cramp her style! OK, enough about the kids! Back to me! This week I have a mani/pedi and a meeting with my probation officer! He's super hot too actually, so maybe I will see if he wants to go out with Onyx and I if that scrumptious doctor asks her out a second time! OK, now I am really done and it's time for reader questions!!!!!

Dear Mr Mom, my 23 year old son has just told me that he loves Twilight and wants to be a vampire, what should I do? Lori in Pennsyltucky

Dear Lori, that is so cute! Your young one just might be the smartest boy around! You see The Twilight Saga is very very popular with the female crowd! He has just landed himself a great conversation starter with women of all ages! AND I MEAN ALL! Anyway, my suggestion is that he get some fang marks tatted on his neck so he can really play up the vampire bit! He is looking to be slammed with all kinds of trim in no time! So you tell your lil' Nesferatu to keep his head up and his pockets full of rubbers! I see a bright (just kidding, *sunlight* LOL) future for this young man! Watch out ladies, Cullen coming through!
Love, Mr Mommy

Dear Mr Mommy, My fifteen year old just told me that he hates his name and wants to change it! What should I do? Judy, in Carolina

Dear Judy, first of all, tell him hell yes! But of course there are limits! Under no circumstances should you allow him to change it to Penis Smith or Constipation Williams. Those two names are terrible and strictly OFF LIMITS! lol/JK! He should actually feel free as a bird when changing his name (which of course you should let him do), so tell him to write all his ideas on pieces of paper and put them in a hat. The only rule is that you are the one who gets to pick. This will secure your status of matron! HAHAHA! Gotcha again! If it were me I would just get everybody drunk, let my kid choose his name, then take a cab to the courthouse and get 'er done! LOL! You are super funny Judy! Who even asks a question like this? A nerd? Anyway, I hear the Pizza delivery guy, so since the boys are playing video games and Onyx is out, I think I may invite him in so I can "inspect his peperoni"!! LOL! Gotta go! Mr Mommy