Hair like RPattz! And a little bit about being an ass double!

I found this in my external harddrive and felt the need to share. It seems that in winter 2009/10 I was already doing my homework and still very full of BS. I don't know why I felt the need to review the e-how article:How to Style your hair like Robert Pattinson, but it seems I did. I left all the steps in, and tried to keep the piece as unedited as possible, so you could see what I was working on so long ago, I left all the instructions in, they are kind of funny, and you might want to try them: 


1) This Pattinson hair style looks good on most face shapes, such as square, diamond, oval and oblong. Your hair can be most any texture from thin to medium, but if it is too thick it may not hold well. If you have thin or thinning hair, the Pattinson style will work well for you, too.


2) Your hair should be longer on top that the sides. Get about a quarter size of styling gel into the palm of your hand and then rub your hands together. Start at the roots of your hair at the crown don't just palm your head to spread it around but grab your hair and squish it with your hand. This is called scrunching and it helps to give you the effect you want. Put extra on the front.


3) Blow dry hair on a low setting. You can look at the mirror and do it, but the best is to bend over at the waist and dry your hair. Keep the dryer aimed at the roots and continue to scrunch. You want to get your hair almost completely dry, but you should check the mirror partly through to make sure it is looking the way you want. When you stand up to look at yourself in the mirror, your hair may look spiky or too tall, don't worry, it will settle down as you do the next step.


4) If the opposite happens and your hair is not staying up, then add a little bit more styling gel at your roots. Many people recommend "Fiber" as a good one to create this look. Use a little bit at a time, and keep experimenting till you get it just right. Too much and it will be weighed down and look greasy, too little and it won't stand up.


5) Using a small round brush, wrap your hair around the bristles and put the blow dryer on it. Don't pull the brush
through it, just unwrap your hair and let it fall. Randomly get more pieces of hair and wrap it up in the brush and blow dry for a few seconds and then unwrap.


6) If your sides are very short you can have them stick out and swirl them around in different directions. If they are longer, they may stick out too far, so in that case, just press them down a bit with your hand or run your fingers through your hair from your face towards the back of your head to make them lay down.


7) After you are done then take a little bit more of the styling gel and separate the curls and sculpt. Do not brush or comb your hair through or you will have to start all over again. Just separate with your fingers. Finish with a little wax or more gel at the tips of your tousled ends to set it.


As I start to really think about my hair, and the implications of being attached to such a commodity I start thinking about things like, Locks of Love, and Lloyds of London…seriously though, I never really knew that it was a big deal at all, except that it made my mother mad so I liked to grow it to irritate her. It was also sort of a tribute to country music recording artist Willie Nelson. So now that my hair is REALLY REALLY important, maybe my hair could get some kind of a show. I don’t know what you would call it, maybe “Ready or Not, Hair I Come!”, but that seems a bit too top heavy and long (no double pun intended!). It doesn’t really matter, my hair probably would be fairly boring after about seven or nine episodes, you might have to kill it off and replace it with a really bad toupee. After all, if I did go bald, I would take it like a man (though a show about balding would be "Hair today, gon Tomorrow").    
       
    So back to the issue at hand, this phony step two. While it is of some worth to say that your hair should be longer on the top than the sides, at the same time it is sort of a gross redundancy to even put that in print. Of course it should be longer on top! If it wasn’t it would look like some sort of reverse Mohawk or bizarre attempt to replace your fir stole with one that you are growing out of the sides of your head. But at the same time if someone is going to try and look like me when they don’t they might just be fool enough to do it with their hair short on the top and long on the sides. Actually, come to think of it, I don’t know of ANY hair styles which are longer on the sides than the top. Unless you are bald, and I will reiterate: If you are bald on top and you attempt my hairstyle, you will look like a clown! Just be a man and keep it short, it is better for all of us. Unless you are a scientist or a professor, in which case you owe us all the favor of looking like the stereotypical “mad genius”.
          
 Next problem, styling gel. I have never really needed it. I know that RP uses it, but I am not him and my hair does this on its own. I do not have to rely on the makers of “Palm Putty” or whatever brand of pomade that RP uses. I got it from the good Lord and I don’t want to give it back. So anyway take the gel and rub your hands together. Stupid, I think it is more efficient to take the bottle and give your head a little squirt. That way you don’t lose as much of the gel on your hands. I don’t know if RP thinks this way. Being really, really rich, he probably doesn’t. But if he did, I bet he would say that I am right.
          
 The article also says “don’t just palm your head”, and it makes me wonder if somebody might actually do that. If so I would guess that the result would be hideous, seeing as how it would matt down the top of your mane like a long haired pony which just had its saddle removed after it carried children around a corporate picnic for two hours in the middle of summer. And it would also sick your hair out on the side of your head. They say it is called “scrunching”, and I call it “doing your hair”, but that is just me. I don’t have to do this so I have never had to create a name for it.


What I thought was interesting about the “scrunching” is that they said “it helps give you the effect you want”. Really? That is fascinating, since I thought the entire purpose of the article was to “give you the effect you want”. I find it captivating that the article is about 8 steps to hair like RP, and in one of those 8 steps, the result is that “it gives you the effect you want”. I sort of half expected that it might turn your hair green or perhaps, grow your hair at an alarming rate. I guess this world is full of surprises and I should not lose any sleep over one more.


            Lastly, it says, put extra on the front. Now that is actually helpful. Your face is also on the front, so it would be good to get your hair out of your face, especially if you are in movies and your face will be featured prominently in whatever movie you are in. It is actually important to get your hair out of your face, and if you did not do that, it might prevent you from getting certain acting jobs, especially those in which your face is on screen. If you are just an ass double it probably is not quite as important, but it should still be taken into consideration.


            Which leads to another question.  If you are an ass double, do you have to have ass shots as well as head shots? If so would you try and make your ass as benign as possible, or would you try and pose your ass in different scenarios so potential casting directors could see how your ass would look in certain situations, such as in a tiki bar, or looking out of the statue of liberty’s crown. Or next to “Old Faithful”. It is a thought provoking question, I will have to ask someone who knows someone who knows. Or I can ask the Internet machine, though I am afraid of what I might find. It probably would find some kind of porn that the Doublemint Twins did after they lost their gusto in the advertising world.


Note: If you read the part I wrote about "squirting gel directly on your head" I have since found it to be erroneous. Gel is cheap enough to just put on your hands first. Buzzsaw