Twiligh Saga: Breaking Wind (A positive review!)

Most "normal" film reviewers and bloggers will work themselves into a sweat drenched frenzy in order to bring their reviews to the readers before the readers actually watch the movie. Obviously as the owner of multiple websites, I simply cannot work like that. I am a gentleman of leisure, so fighting my way through a rabid pack of menopausal women to see a movie I knew was based on a terrible story was very low on my priority list. But I could not postpone the inevitable forever. To be totally honest, I was curious. Even among groups of rabid Twilight fans, most will admit that the book Breaking Dawn is a clusterfuck of poorly developed bad ideas and massive plot holes, mixed in with references to "pillow biting" and pedophilia lite. In short; adapting Breaking Wind is a screenwriters nightmare. I knew it would be dreadfully delightful.

This moderate fan has already seen it 78 times! She is also single.

Before we dive into the movie itself, I must first attempt to summarize the book for the uninitiated. Here it is in the fewest possible words: Edward Colon is a vampire and preening little twat; he lives with his "adopted" vampire family in the feral town of Forks WA. His adopted father is the night doctor at the hospital, who also looks like a runway model. Edward has two "brothers" and two "sisters" who are also "in high school" and also "openly boning" which of course is totally unnoticed by anyone in town. Edward is the only Colon who has no sex in his life, presumably expending his energy on mind blowing vampire masturbation sessions (he is 17 forever). It all changes when Fella Swan, the police chiefs daughter moves to town (her mildly retarded mother was hitting the road with a minor league baseball team). Suddenly Edward wants to eat/bone Fella. She just wants the sex part. Edward tells her that he has skin which is icy, and hard like diamonds (sparkles too); at this point everyone makes a joke about Fella Getting "cold cocked"; which is low hanging fruit to say the least, something author Stephenie Meyer seems determined to provide. Did I mention that there are also wolf human hybrids who "imprint" (sort of like falling in love at first site) and it doesn't matter whether it is reciprocated, or the imprintee is a baby? After something like 1,700 pages of uninteresting and non romantic romance, we come to Breaking Wind, where Fella Swan will finally become a Colon. They get married, go to Brazil for their honeymoon, and Fella gets impregnated. After that, the entire drama in the first part of the book hinges on the unlikely premise that the wolf boys (good guys) will kill Fella (the heroine) because she is pregnant with a half vampire. Also the baby is slowly killing poor Fella (did I mention that she is a huge bitch?). This brings us to the movie version of Breaking Wind...

Review: Twilight Saga-Breaking Wind, Part one
Score: 9/10

When reviewing the movie versions of The Twilight Saga, one must always consider the source material. Speaking for myself, I have never read a worse story with less likeable characters and more plot holes than The Saga. As such, to hire professionals and adapt it for the screen is to rub the proverbial honey on the proverbial shit. Polishing a turd. It is simply impossible to use any "writing" by Stephenie Meyer and create something of quality. That said, I think the crew has done a marvelous job in taking horrible and obnoxious characters and making them decent. Not likeable, but not nearly as bad as they are in the book. Breaking Wind was no exception. For those keeping score I attended with The Missus and The Child (in Noarlunga, South Australia).

High Points:

1) They had at least one good make-up artist
In the previous Twilight installments, the supposedly good looking Colon family has such a strong resemblance to rapist mimes that "look like transvestites". Breaking Wind is no exception, that is, until they have to show Fella Swan dying. By golly they nailed it! For about 30 minutes poor dying Fella looks as much like a dying crack head I was starting to fiend for drugs I have never tried! Every tiny vein was showing through her translucent skin and her bones were clearly visible. It was great!


2) Stephenie Meyer made an appearance
In 98% of the reviews, it has been pointed out that Stephanie Meyer is actually obsessed with her own fiction. Even the films stars have made mention of this fact. I love her little personal touches, because everything she touches ends up hilarious (unintentionally). Sadly I missed seeing it, and I will have to wait for the DVD because I am not going back to the theater.

3) The honeymoon was funny as hell
Awkward, and as neutered as one would imagine from a movie which had to have a PG-13 rating so its Mormon author could watch it (this is NOT a joke). The thing I always found amusing was that the Colon family (who are sworn to secrecy about their vampiric state on pain of death) have housekeepers come out to the island. Not just any housekeepers though, but housekeepers from a mountain tribe which believes in vampires. Naturally they are suspicious. I wonder if it ever occured to the sleepless Colons that they have plenty of time to clean, and it would be a lot more secretive if they took care of it themselves. Another highlight was when Fella Colon was swooning away in the bedroom while Mr Colon waited in the ocean (to cold cock her). It was at this moment when The Child spoke up: "She really likes her bed!" Thankfully I was not drinking anything at this point.

4) The Volturi
For those who have no idea what Twilight is, there are some characters in it called The Volturi. They are a council of I-talian vampires who are especially sinister and good looking. They look like this:

In the world of Twilight this is a badass. In the real world he promotes bondage parties and has a "no cocaine left behind" policy.

As you might imagine, it is nigh impossible to keep a straight face while the Volturi are on the screen.

5) It only took about 100 minutes of my time
Stephenie Meyer only writes books over 700 pages. Here is a sample of what that is like: "The fabric clung to his perfectly muscled chest. It was a colossal tribute to his face that it kept my eyes away from his body" which of course is fairly standard for all 2,400 pages in the entire series. I am not entirely sure, but I think she used the phrase "perfectly muscled chest" upwards of 20 times. Needless to say the books are like undergoing surgery with a shot of whiskey and a leather strap to chew on when pain gets too intense. The movies thankfully are much shorter.

6) Science: Twilight Style
Because the fetus/baby was half vampire it wanted to drink blood. So in typical Stephenie Meyer style, the characters "solved" the problem in a really stupid way which would not have worked at all. They had (human) Fella Colon drink human blood, which using their combined brain power, they concluded would "feed the baby blood" sadly, even the "doctor" agreed this was true. What they failed to understand is that the baby would still be getting fed with digested food, so it would not matter what protein she ate, and she could even drink animal blood without the baby becoming any the wiser.

7) Renesmee
The birth scene is famous in the books because the baby is breaking Fella Colon's back and shit (due to its incredible stremf. The Child got scared so we covered her eyes. When the baby popped out, she started laughing though.

"That baby needs a wash! They need to clean it up a bit! Hahahaha!" She was right. Also they named the baby Renesmee, which makes me feel like gouging out my eyes just reading it, let alone saying it. One nice touch in the movie was the wink and nod the screenwriter gave this when they discussed what an ugly name it is. I recall Robert Pattinson looking down when he said he liked it. I am sure he was having trouble not laughing. Also Jacob the wolf boy "imprints" on the baby, so there is the pedophilia again.

8) I got my I-Phone back
The day after the movie I realized that I had left my I-Phone somewhere. This of course made me hopping mad, as I have limited funds. Luckily, someone had found it and turned it in at the theater, so later that day I recovered it.

This may be a slightly unconventional positive review, but hey, when you have a 26% positive review rating on Rotten Tomato's you take all the help you can get!

Hair like RPattz! And a little bit about being an ass double!

I found this in my external harddrive and felt the need to share. It seems that in winter 2009/10 I was already doing my homework and still very full of BS. I don't know why I felt the need to review the e-how article:How to Style your hair like Robert Pattinson, but it seems I did. I left all the steps in, and tried to keep the piece as unedited as possible, so you could see what I was working on so long ago, I left all the instructions in, they are kind of funny, and you might want to try them: 


1) This Pattinson hair style looks good on most face shapes, such as square, diamond, oval and oblong. Your hair can be most any texture from thin to medium, but if it is too thick it may not hold well. If you have thin or thinning hair, the Pattinson style will work well for you, too.


2) Your hair should be longer on top that the sides. Get about a quarter size of styling gel into the palm of your hand and then rub your hands together. Start at the roots of your hair at the crown don't just palm your head to spread it around but grab your hair and squish it with your hand. This is called scrunching and it helps to give you the effect you want. Put extra on the front.


3) Blow dry hair on a low setting. You can look at the mirror and do it, but the best is to bend over at the waist and dry your hair. Keep the dryer aimed at the roots and continue to scrunch. You want to get your hair almost completely dry, but you should check the mirror partly through to make sure it is looking the way you want. When you stand up to look at yourself in the mirror, your hair may look spiky or too tall, don't worry, it will settle down as you do the next step.


4) If the opposite happens and your hair is not staying up, then add a little bit more styling gel at your roots. Many people recommend "Fiber" as a good one to create this look. Use a little bit at a time, and keep experimenting till you get it just right. Too much and it will be weighed down and look greasy, too little and it won't stand up.


5) Using a small round brush, wrap your hair around the bristles and put the blow dryer on it. Don't pull the brush
through it, just unwrap your hair and let it fall. Randomly get more pieces of hair and wrap it up in the brush and blow dry for a few seconds and then unwrap.


6) If your sides are very short you can have them stick out and swirl them around in different directions. If they are longer, they may stick out too far, so in that case, just press them down a bit with your hand or run your fingers through your hair from your face towards the back of your head to make them lay down.


7) After you are done then take a little bit more of the styling gel and separate the curls and sculpt. Do not brush or comb your hair through or you will have to start all over again. Just separate with your fingers. Finish with a little wax or more gel at the tips of your tousled ends to set it.


As I start to really think about my hair, and the implications of being attached to such a commodity I start thinking about things like, Locks of Love, and Lloyds of London…seriously though, I never really knew that it was a big deal at all, except that it made my mother mad so I liked to grow it to irritate her. It was also sort of a tribute to country music recording artist Willie Nelson. So now that my hair is REALLY REALLY important, maybe my hair could get some kind of a show. I don’t know what you would call it, maybe “Ready or Not, Hair I Come!”, but that seems a bit too top heavy and long (no double pun intended!). It doesn’t really matter, my hair probably would be fairly boring after about seven or nine episodes, you might have to kill it off and replace it with a really bad toupee. After all, if I did go bald, I would take it like a man (though a show about balding would be "Hair today, gon Tomorrow").    
       
    So back to the issue at hand, this phony step two. While it is of some worth to say that your hair should be longer on the top than the sides, at the same time it is sort of a gross redundancy to even put that in print. Of course it should be longer on top! If it wasn’t it would look like some sort of reverse Mohawk or bizarre attempt to replace your fir stole with one that you are growing out of the sides of your head. But at the same time if someone is going to try and look like me when they don’t they might just be fool enough to do it with their hair short on the top and long on the sides. Actually, come to think of it, I don’t know of ANY hair styles which are longer on the sides than the top. Unless you are bald, and I will reiterate: If you are bald on top and you attempt my hairstyle, you will look like a clown! Just be a man and keep it short, it is better for all of us. Unless you are a scientist or a professor, in which case you owe us all the favor of looking like the stereotypical “mad genius”.
          
 Next problem, styling gel. I have never really needed it. I know that RP uses it, but I am not him and my hair does this on its own. I do not have to rely on the makers of “Palm Putty” or whatever brand of pomade that RP uses. I got it from the good Lord and I don’t want to give it back. So anyway take the gel and rub your hands together. Stupid, I think it is more efficient to take the bottle and give your head a little squirt. That way you don’t lose as much of the gel on your hands. I don’t know if RP thinks this way. Being really, really rich, he probably doesn’t. But if he did, I bet he would say that I am right.
          
 The article also says “don’t just palm your head”, and it makes me wonder if somebody might actually do that. If so I would guess that the result would be hideous, seeing as how it would matt down the top of your mane like a long haired pony which just had its saddle removed after it carried children around a corporate picnic for two hours in the middle of summer. And it would also sick your hair out on the side of your head. They say it is called “scrunching”, and I call it “doing your hair”, but that is just me. I don’t have to do this so I have never had to create a name for it.


What I thought was interesting about the “scrunching” is that they said “it helps give you the effect you want”. Really? That is fascinating, since I thought the entire purpose of the article was to “give you the effect you want”. I find it captivating that the article is about 8 steps to hair like RP, and in one of those 8 steps, the result is that “it gives you the effect you want”. I sort of half expected that it might turn your hair green or perhaps, grow your hair at an alarming rate. I guess this world is full of surprises and I should not lose any sleep over one more.


            Lastly, it says, put extra on the front. Now that is actually helpful. Your face is also on the front, so it would be good to get your hair out of your face, especially if you are in movies and your face will be featured prominently in whatever movie you are in. It is actually important to get your hair out of your face, and if you did not do that, it might prevent you from getting certain acting jobs, especially those in which your face is on screen. If you are just an ass double it probably is not quite as important, but it should still be taken into consideration.


            Which leads to another question.  If you are an ass double, do you have to have ass shots as well as head shots? If so would you try and make your ass as benign as possible, or would you try and pose your ass in different scenarios so potential casting directors could see how your ass would look in certain situations, such as in a tiki bar, or looking out of the statue of liberty’s crown. Or next to “Old Faithful”. It is a thought provoking question, I will have to ask someone who knows someone who knows. Or I can ask the Internet machine, though I am afraid of what I might find. It probably would find some kind of porn that the Doublemint Twins did after they lost their gusto in the advertising world.


Note: If you read the part I wrote about "squirting gel directly on your head" I have since found it to be erroneous. Gel is cheap enough to just put on your hands first. Buzzsaw

5 Surprising Reasons That It Actually Sucks To Look Like Robert Pattinson’s Twin

Below are five of the bad things which you might not think about if you are laying around dreaming about being a Robert Pattinson look-alike. Sure there is a lot of glory, and a lot of guys who own chain saw stores and want to make a rubber mask with your face on it. But there are also the moments where a frothing hillbilly steals your novelty Forks Spartans foam hand and shoves his genitals in it to prove that you are gay...if you find this interesting, trust me, this is the very much abridged version of my life in the past two years, and the book I am writing will be much more detailed. Love Buzzsaw PS-I am not complaining, simply exposing things you might find surprising!

5) Unsolicited advice.

I have tried unsuccessfully to carefully craft an opening sentence which explains exactly why I have grown to hate hearing the phrase “Do you know what you should do?” With allegory and metaphor, mixed metaphor and simile, I even tried obscenity (admittedly I liked it and might try it again). Sadly I was left with the painful truth. People think that they have a lot more good ideas than they actually do. Over the course of the last two years I have been subjected to ideas ranging from completely humiliating to downright illegal as hell. In less than 10 cases I have heard good ideas, in less than three of these the idea has actually been achievable (if I had the money it would take just to implement some, I would be retired anyway). Instead I labor away, just waiting for the next person with the brilliant idea of me turning into a gigolo. It should happen in around 11 minutes.

It seems that the less original the idea (gigolo) the more original people think it must be. Never mind the fact that prostitution is known as “the oldest profession” people seem to think it is brilliant. I wonder how brilliant they would think their daughter was if she told them that she had found a way to make $50 and it involved nothing more than “layin’ back and pretendin’ to like it!” Or perhaps they might encourage their son to dress as Batman and panhandle on Hollywood Blvd in front of Mann’s Chinese theater? Surely the same person would also think it is a brilliant idea to evade taxes as well! Of course all of these ideas have been pitched to me, and the only one I haven’t heard multiple times is the tax evasion. Actually that was a Canadian man who was super excited about the possibilities and thought I was a genius, though he REALLY encouraged me never to pay taxes. Wonder how much universal health care he would get if all the Robert Pattinson look-alikes in Canada suddenly stopped paying taxes…

4) The most famous character Robert Pattinson plays is pretty much a transvestite

Though women and girls (and probably gay men) love Edward, most everyone else thinks he is (read: OBVIOUSLY) probably gay. The only reason someone actually might think Edward Cullen is straight is that the author tries so hard to convince you. Even Robert Pattinson said “they made me look like a transvestite as Edward” which is clear to anyone who saw any of the Twilight Saga. I am sure there are worse things to have people think you look like than a transvestite vampire who never bites anything, but I can’t think of any.

Trouble because of this can manifest itself in many ways. From the obnoxious people who ask me things like why I am “trying to be Edward” (and blatantly ignoring the fact that I just told them my website was www.mynameisnotedward.com), to the hillbilly loggers shouting “faggot” from their clearly compensational trucks. There is of course a lot of ground in between, but looking like Edward Cullen is a world away from looking like say, Indiana Jones. Given the choice between the two, I would bet that most straight men would choose to look like Dr Jones if they had the choice.

3) People assume that you make a shit-ton of money

It seems that given this logic that someone who looks like Bill Gates will also be a billionaire, which is where this little misconception breaks down. Considering the fact that even the actual real Robert Pattinson was broke as hell before accidentally making a blockbuster movie, I would hope that people could understand the difficulty in turning a strange coincidence into mountains of cash. Add to that the difficulty in using said coincidence in ways which are not completely degrading or career killing and you have a recipe for a strange career path which sometimes pays well and sometimes doesn’t.

The real problem with it is that when I am walking around in public people will often approach me to ask if they can take a picture with me. So here is the problem, if I ask for money, to me it seems low class and possibly creepy. If I say that I don’t want to take a picture I run the risk of some idiot thinking I am being a jerk and defaming me on the internet. So I have found that the best solution is to act classy and pose for pictures with people, hoping that I can connect with them online, and perhaps when I write my book they will want to buy it (of course it would most likely be to see if they made the cut. Hint: they didn’t).

The misconception that I was making a ton of money was really bad in Forks. Because in Forks if you are making money and girls like you, it means you are a faggot who wants to steal from the town. It is something which can get you beat up (or in my case nearly beat up). Luckily I am too cunning and tough for that to stop me. And luckier still I have friends who ride Harley’s and are named “Fuzzy” (actually just one, but that is enough). So in closing, I have yet to make a big payday, and like any good American, I believe that it is just over the next hill.

2) Women assume that you have a billion “girlfriends”

If you are shy, I would highly recommend looking like a celebrity. It can make meeting girls really easy. On the downside it will probably be your buddy who actually scores. I believe that this is because a lot of women will naturally assume that you are unattainable so they will go for your “easy to seduce” friend. Now, before I get responses from women claiming it is not true, I must insist that I have checked with quite a few women who indeed told me it was. So really not only does it mean that you might not end up with the girl, but that you will be squeezed and screamed at, and still go home alone. Luckily that can only go on for so long before someone accidentally gets jealous of a chance encounter with a hot Canadian (female) prison guard and true feelings come out, but I digress…

1) Most people who aren’t clowns do not make children cry, but I do (without doing anything)

Have you ever been sitting out in front of a store and suddenly hear a small child burst into tears? Of course you might have, but was it because the kid saw you and thought you were a vampire? Trust me; it is something that you don’t get used to. One of the most depressing aspects of this problem is that I would have been one of those children. I have always been easily scared, so I feel even worse about scaring the hell out of babies. I have no desire to cause people psychological problems, and it is honestly a tough load to shoulder. I already envision a life of psychotherapy and men in white suites, but the extra burden of being a baby scaring freak is too much. Trust me, it is a downer when a smiling baby bursts into tears and starts screaming.

Summit: You Broke Their Hearts! (And They Leaked The Pics!)

In an attempt to understand the controversy behind the latest Twilight debacle (this time the "illegal" leaking of movie stills by the production company) I have found the real press release that explains exactly how saddened they are. It reads as follows:

As some of you may know, pictures and screen grabs of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn as a work in progress have leaked on the internet. We are extremely proud of this film and also extremely heartbroken to see it out there at this stage. The film and these images are not yet ready or in their proper context. They were illegally obtained and their early dissemination is deeply upsetting to the actors, the filmmakers and Summit who are working so hard to bring these movies to fruition to you in November 2011 and November 2012. Please, for those who are posting, stop. And please, though the temptation is high, don’t view or pass on these images. Wait for the film in its beautiful, finished entirety to thrill you. Sincerely, Stephenie Meyer, Bill Condon, Wyck Godfrey and Summit Entertainment
—Summit Entertainmnet

Well that is just terrible. What upsets me the most is that it had to be EMPLOYEES OF SUMMIT who leaked them. That is right. The sets are closed, so how in the world could it have leaked from an outside source? I have heard claims that some 14 year old Twihard from Australia hacked into Stephenie Meyer's computer, but that doesn't even make a good story, let alone a convincing lie! Come on Summit, if you want me to believe you, can you at least give me something to chew on? I can think of at least ten better ways explain the leak. How about blaming it on nerds who love Harry Potter and hate Twilight. There are loads of them, and they are probably all better with computers than most Twilight fans. As it stands, the press release just makes Summit look dumb. From the schedule of film releases, and other odd marketing tactics, summit should already be under scrutiny for this, if not blamed entirely and ignored. Let's take a look at some of the red flags that have gone up along the way.

First, Robsten. Whatever the hell the relationship between Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart is, the connection with Summit is undeniable. Let it be known, I could give a shit less whether it is real, but it is mighty suspicious that they have been thrown together as lovers since their audition. Now, they might be, but the whole controversy has certainly been lucrative for Summit, there is no denying.

Another fact that undeniably links Summit with retarded ploys to gain hype was when The Hurt Locker was nominated for an Oscar. Producer Nicolas Chartier was barred from the Academy Awards ceremony for sending out an e-mail begging voters to vote for him. The film went on to win a bunch of little gold statues of naked men, resulting in Summits only critical success (sorry Twihards, but your movies have been nominated for multiple Razzies). In my opinion, this is just another reason that Summit is suspect.

Lastly, lets look at the early leaks from the Brazil film location. It confuses me that they could film on a private island, and yet, somehow, pictures were leaked. Did they not require all staff to be searched prior to the filming? If not, I hardly care that someone supposedly leaked photo's. Of course I read statements prior to the shooting that said they would take all cameras etc, so either they are really bad at taking camera's or, what is more likely, they wanted to hype the movie by putting a few random photo's online so the fans could drool. In my opinion, the latter is much more likely.

Why would they need to hype up the final installment in a blockbuster series you ask? Well I can think of several reasons. First, they are waiting for a year before the release of Breaking Dawn. The other films were released closer together, thus keeping the hype machine rolling. With this one, they were probably worried about losing steam. Second, for anyone who has read the book Breaking Dawn, it is possibly the worst and most boring book in existence. I have had the chance to meet and speak with many Twilight fans, and rarely do I hear that Breaking Dawn is a favorite in the series. It is utterly rediculous, and since essentially nothing happens except some sex scenes and a baby delivery, the producers (mostly men I am sure) were worried that people might figure this out. So release some pictures. It is harmless.

In closing, from my perspective, the Twilight films and Summit are actually capitalizing on the cast more than the stories. Of course people talk about the story to some degree, but it seems that they talk about the cast just as much if not more. I would be willing to bet that there are a lot more Robert Pattinson fansites than Edward Cullen fansites, and that is just the tip of the iceberg. So believe them if you will, but I think you are being duped if you do. It is Summit after all! They are the true turds of Hollywood!

Note: The whole thing smells of a rat akin to the inept merketing ploy used by aging rockers Buckcherry in 2008. They published an indignant press release saying that someone "leaked" their song "Too Drunk" onto a torrent sharing site. They were found out. The same will happen with Summit.

Summit Entertainment: Twihards Beware, Or Be Sued!

Fans of the Twilight series were given something to cheer about yesterday when a slew of unreleased still photo's from the latest movie in the series found their way into cyberspace. Some thought it must have been the work of rabid fan while most believed that it was a marketing ploy by the social retards at Summit Entertainment. The pictures which depicted among other things Taylor Lautner (Jacob Black, the series main fake native American) staring deeply into the eyes of Mackenzie Foy, his 11 year old love interest. A beautiful picture to be sure, but it seemed to ruffle the feathers of some of the folks at Summit. Over the course of the day they made press releases, which to their credit, showed some level of maturity by the end of the day. The first one went as follows:

From Summit Entertainment, LLC: The pictures that are being posted are LEGAL property of Summit Entertainment. They are not to be posted without prior permission, and as that permission has not been granted, we are demanding that they be removed. If the fans of The Twilight Saga want to ruin what we have worked so hard to create, we have no further choice but to sue. If our legal team finds evidence that these pictures have been posted we will take action. It seems that a lot of you bitches think we are blowing smoke up your ass, but rest assured we are not. To wit, in the past 24 hours we have sued 26 people, including 6 under the age of 18 and some old bitch who claims to "have cancer" whatever the hell that means. So if you don't want to feel the wrath, you better pull those pictures off and grovel at our feet. We are after all SUMMIT ENTERTAINMENT! WE MAKE HIT MOVIES! WE HAVE WON OSCARS! YOU ARE SWINE AND VERMIN! BOW TO ME! Sincerely, Rob Friedman, Summit Entertainment


Obviously this is sort of an "intense" way to tell the fans to back off, but like I said, Summit has never been known to have a lot of tact. In fact, coming from a company that often refers to it's Native American actors as "red injuns" in memos, I think Mr Friedman did alright. Of course, after the letter was sent to the ACLU and several other organizations, Summit started changing it's tune, not drastically, but enough. Here is the second press release:

To Whom it May Concern: Twilight fans, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? Are you just jealous? That's right jealous. Just because I eat lunch with Rob Pattinson and Taylor Lautner ON A REGULAR BASIS, does not give you the right to be such a bunch of ho's! The ACLU? Seriously? You think they are going to save you when you have STOLEN from us?! We will have to see about that! Again, if you post, email, or comment on any of the STOLEN pictures from the next BLOCKBUSTER HIT that Summit Entertainment is producing, I will find you, I will make you pay in ways you never previously imagined (even that sick bitch Stephenie Meyer could not imagine what I will do to you!)! In fact, after I sue your ass I am going to punish you in ways that make the KGB look like baby kittens! EVER HEARD OF WATER BOARDING???!!!!! Sincerely Rob Friedman, Summit Entertainment

Well despite the claims of lawsuits etc. it was only a matter of time before they were found out. An email was found that proves that Summit did in fact leak the pictures, here it is:

Hey Jim, you better get those damn stills online ASAP! I am worried that this damn movie is going top be a major bust unless you get something out there to stir up these sheep! A little sex would be nice! ;) Hey, and when you are posting them make sure you do it under a fake account this time, nobody is going to believe for a second that Jimthesportsnut is getting Breaking Dawn stills, make up some kind of chick name, like Robspetcougar or some bullshit. Then LEAK THE DAMN STILLS! This movie is totally bullshit and you know it, if they find out that NOTHING ACTUALLY HAPPENS we are going to be up shit creek with a turd for a paddle! GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR OR I WILL HAVE YOUR JOB! Thanks buddy, Rob F.

Of course after this was released (probably by one of the twiteen hackers), they had to sing a different tune, slightly. Here is the final press release:

OK Twihards, you had your little fun. I guess if you want to ruin the movie for yourselves it is fine by me. Just let it be known, we are Summit Entertainment, and we don't need you. In our opinion you are like parasites and if you won't go away, sure we will feed you some crumbs from the table of our KINGLY BANQUET! But seriously, get a life, we know Rob Patterson personally, AND YOU DON'T! Best regards Rob Friedman, Summit Entertainment

I don't know what all this means, but I am sure it will not be reflected in box office numbers when Breaking Dawn is released. As for Summit, I have built an alter and a shrine to them, the greatest film production company in the history of the world!

These are just some of the questions I get asked!

Dear Buzzsaw, I am 15 years old and tall for my height. Do you have any plans on getting into hip hop? I really love hip hop, and I would love to see you contribute to the genre. What do you think your rap name would be if you did? Jon in Lewiston ID

Dear Jon, I appreciate your enthusiasm, I am in fact very interested in hip hop. I have experimented with it in the past, and my rap name was Lil’ Buck. In the future I can see myself releasing at least one hip hop album every 3 years. It is fun to do, but I am afraid that people don’t take me seriously as a rapper, so I stick to singing country music most of the time. Sincerely Buzzsaw

Dear hotstuff, yes, I am into you in a sexual way, and yes, I have managed to hack into your Facebook account, so I know about all your girlfriends. Well I want to be one also. If you choose me you can count on being ravished four times every day, and also you can count on me tying you up to make sure you don’t run away. Kathy Bates is a hero of mine. Love, your true sweetheart and darling girl, Jess

Dear Jess, I don’t know what I did to turn you on so much. In case you were wondering I have terrible body odor and I constantly fart. My personal hygiene is limited. Also will you send me your info so I can report it to the proper authorities? Thanks my dear, Buzzsaw

To Whom It May Concern, if you eat my pop tarts I will gouge your eyeballs out! The management

Dear management, please do so; I would love to collect disability checks. Buzzsaw PS-the pop tarts were delightful!

Hi there! Do you want any free Viagra? I have fourteen cases I inherited from my grandfather who died. Of course I do not think it was the Viagra that killed him, it was probably the exertion caused by the three strippers he brought back to the Las Vegas hotel room. Well just figured that a guy like you could find a creative use for fourteen cases of Viagra. I have tried to think of what to do but I am shooting blanks. Also wanted to say that I love your work, especially because you actually do look a lot like Robert Patterson. Have a great day and send me an email if you want the Viagra. I will sell it to you on the cheap ;) I just need to have it out of the garage so I can park my new Prius. Love always, Robert Redford, Actor/Director/Producer

Dear Robert, did you check your email? Just wanted to let you know that I will take the Viagra. I am thinking about putting it into our local drinking water source, just to see the results. Just kidding, I eat that stuff like candy! Anyway, thanks; hope to see you at Sundance. Barnes

Hey sweetie, did you get the underwear I mailed you? The lacy black ones? Those are mine. I wanted you to put them on, take a picture, then mail the underwear and the picture back to me. You will do that won’t you? I would hate to have to tell you that I have fatal kidney failure and I will die in two weeks. It’s true, but I don’t like to bring it up. Anyway, if you could take the picture like I asked, plus sign some pictures (those are for my nephews who both have cancer); as well as write a song about my family, I would be much obliged. Love, Donald in Clallam County PS-I sent nude pictures of myself, wearing nothing but a mustache. You are sexy as hell, and if I wasn’t dying I would ask you on a date.

Dear Donald, I sent the pictures etc about a week ago, you should have them by now. If not please get back to me. Though I am a bit uncomfortable about it, since you are dying I am happy to do anything for you. Love and best wishes, Buzzsaw

Dear Buzzsaw, I think you are amazing. Sincerely Robert Pattinson PS-My girlfriend thinks you are hot. Please stay away from her!

Dear Robert Pattinson, right back at you! Buzzsaw PS-About the girlfriend. Kiss my ass. All is fair in love and war!

Dear Buzzsaw, I have HUGE breasts. Delany in Nebraska

Dear Delaney, do you feed your breasts corn? Buzzsaw

Dear Buzzsaw, I know this might sound crazy, but I am a 45 year old married woman, and I would do ANYTHING to sleep with you. When I say that you can believe it is true. In the past I have done things such as rob banks in order to gain the affections of a good man. In your case I would even go farther. I hope you don’t have a girlfriend, and if you do, she ain’t half the woman I am (literally or figuratively). If you want to know, I am a big woman who still looks sexy. I have guys hitting on me all the time, but I am saving myself for you. I noticed that you gave your address out in a video the other night. I have directions to your house and should be there in three days time. I will be wearing nothing but lingerie when you open the door, so you will know it is me. I have a tattoo of a phoenix on my shoulder and my dead ex’s face and initials on the back of my neck. The rest of my tat’s are pictures of you, or quotes you have said. I can’t stand being apart, I will see you soon. Love Mindy from Tulsa OK

Dear Mindy, All I can say is that I appreciate your devotion. Sadly I recently moved (this morning) and I don’t even know when I will be back in the country. You see, I am in Antarctica, and I really love it here. Hope you can buy some pictures off of my website though, www.edwardsinforks.smugmug.com love, Buzzsaw

There are two kinds of women: Cougars vs Non-Cougars

At the suggestion of a friend I am delving into the topic of how women differ from each other. This is most certainly a stupid thing to do. First of all, besides from the fact that a lot of women are jealous of each other and mean to each other, I really don't know much. Second of all, my main experience with women besides the last year has been from having two sisters. The reality is I know almost nothing. The chances of getting crucified for what I say in this piece are extremely high, so I want to tell my family I love them, and thank you friends for your support. Here goes.

I have to start out from the time I was operating the store in Forks. It was the most interaction I had with women up to that point in my life. I was selling pictures as a genuine look-alike actual fake Twilight guy, the star of a movie whose fanbase is probably 95.9% female. So that was generally our customer base. I noticed a distinct difference right away between the older (cougars, for the general purposes of simplicity) and the younger women. That was this. The cougars, would walk right in and say what they wanted. If they wanted to talk about grabbing my ass, they would. Now they were mostly polite, but they let their feelings show. No problem, they didn't care. I came to call them "The Older and Bolder."

The younger women on the other hand were quite often very shy. Sure they have 5,000 posters of Edward in their bedroom, but they would freeze up when it came time to take pictures. Now mind you, the resemblance is apparently striking, so the shock is understandable, but with the younger women it would linger, whereas the older and bolder would be sassy as hell after a very short time. Of the women I had scream and run away from me, all of them were young. Of the ones who were so star struck they could hardly talk, 90% were young. It was cute.

As far as women go, I would say there is sort of a grey area in the late 20's that is not cougars nor so called young women. These were very interesting. Sometimes, they would be straight up, hell bent for leather to have a good twilight time. But often they would make up heinous lies about "going to the Hoh rain forest" or "camping on first beach" of course being a sort of trusting guy, I believed them. Only to find out later that they were in fact closeted Twihards. How the hell else would a woman from New York end up in Forks and Twidentify me at the Three Rivers Camp ground? Duuuuuh! Twihard!

As for the cougars there is something similar in their age group. Despite their boldness, they did have a weakness, they were damn liars! You don't know how many times I have heard the phrase "Can I get a picture with you? It's for a friend, she will really get a kick out of it!" As if I believe that bullshit! Just admit its for you! Then pay me! If you want my time pay me! And don't play me for the fool woman, because you know damn well that you are going to take it home and get all hot over it, then go ravish your husband, all the while thinking about the British guy you are obsessed with, but through the lens of the wild American writer you managed to actually meet! Just admit it. I started calling bullshit now. At some point you just get tired of the pretense.

I don't know if that makes anything clearer, it might have just muddied the waters. I will say that there is no hard and fast rule because humans are individuals, no matter how much we rely on groups to survive. There will always be a point when our true colors come out, and sometimes those colors came flying out around The World's Most Twidentified Man! To all you ladies, thank you, you are wonderful, you deserve a man to treat you right, and in all likelihood, it ain't gonna be me! But I love you anyway! Buzzsaw

Postscript: I must add that due to the totally unexpected phenomenon of fans running away from me (not because I didn't look like the actual look-alike) I was only able to survive because of the older and bolder, and the fans of Jacob Black. Also there were a surprising number of people who had never heard of Twilight, but saw pictures and thought what we were doing was ballsy and hilarious. They bought a lot of pictures.

Summit Entertainment: Are they a bunch of bastards??!!!

Why would I choose a title like this if I don't personally know Summit Entertainment? Because I liked it. Personally I have no idea whether the employees and owners of Summit Entertainment come from legitimate married parents. Hell these days when they are cloning people and all that nonsense, does it even really matter? No. And actually the popularized usage of the term bastard these days is something more like "jerkoff" or "prick." As this is the use I am aiming for, I feel comfortable saying this. Note that I said "might be" instead of the definitive, so it is a hypothesis on my part. Still I think it is worth examining.

From my perspective this is what I know about Summit. They started out as a distributor of US films to foreign markets. Apparently they found this boring and not lucrative enough, so they started moving towards production, and in the late 90's began turning out films so terrible, that I can't even remember the names of any of them with the exception of "Sex Drive" which shows a lot more about what a complete perv I am than the quality of the film. Essentially, Summit never had a hit until the movie Twilight was produced, a film so under produced that they had to hire a Tom Cruise look-alike (Peter Facinelli) not to mention rounding out the rest of the cast with random folks most people had never heard of, with the exception of Shark Boy, whose real name I can't remember. Anyway, the movie was made on the cheap, and it is fairly obvious from the production values. Not that I blame them, they probably didn't have any money. Well the film was a hit. A major hit. In all likelihood my readers have seen it. Amazingly enough I have seen it.

Well after the success of Twilight, I think it went to their heads. They started selling merchandise an licensing to random and assorted vendors with little regard as to where they were placing their lead actors faces. From what I can tell they didn't even tell the actors much, which in my opinion would be courteous. "Hey Pattinson, your mug is gonna be on a crown at Burger King!"  To me a text message would seem nice. But really I don't think this makes them bastards, it might be normal. It is something of a bastard grey area. When they really became bastards in my opinion was after they swept the Oscars with The Hurt Locker, probably the best movie they have made to date. After that, they really got an ego. Two hits (Twilight and Twilight: New Moon) and multiple Academy Awards. Big time. Still I didn't know that they were truly bastards until I saw Eclipse.

What made me hate Summit when I saw Eclipse was the treatment of Seattle. It is my hometown, so maybe that is why I am mad, but I would like to think I would want to see any city that a movie is set in treated fairly. What they did was shameful. To begin with, it would not have been difficult for them to have sent a couple of guys with cameras down so they could use parts of Vancouver (they filmed there because Washington state is run stupid and taxes films so much that nobody shoots here, which is nice) which look like Seattle. Instead, they just used a bunch of random shit. They should have at least filmed on a hill to make it look real. But that is not the worst. There were a couple of sweeping city shots, used to give the scenes a "sense of place" and they were a complete failure. Instead of using real film footage, which they could have bought from Frazier or Sleepless in Seattle, they went CGI. It was not good. It looked like a piece of crap, made by the hands of a bastard. A steamy little basturd cake. NOT Good. Seattle is a very recognizable city, with its unique skyline and the mountains across the Puget Sound, instead we get something only a true bastard would love. Aahhh, it feels good to say it.

Now I have heard tell of some of the Summit employees being nice and some being total bastards, but really, who can you trust? I would like to say it is better to trust your own personal experience. So I went out of my way to determine if they really were bastards. First I went to the Eclipse premiere. I was summarily attacked by twihards who thought I was either Rob Pattinson's long lost brother, or the best damn look-alike they had ever seen. Turns out it was him that was the look alike since he is so much younger, anyway, I saw some bastardly stuff, and some not. I was lucky enough to find some sweet girls who were willing to give me a wristband into the bleachers to watch the red carpet arrivals, the people letting us in were bastards. They yelled at everyone, acting as if they were working as prison guards instead of letting well behaved women and girls (and a few guylighters) into the audience. I was not impressed. I would have like to rough some of the bastards up, but I was afraid of getting over powered and barred from the event. Once inside however I found the staff to be mostly nice, they even had promotional drinks, because the stands were hotter than a bastard. Anyway, I came away thinking it was a draw. The actors and actresses had been cool, but the others were kind of bastards. I still had more research to do.

My next jaunt was to Baton Rouge to see what I could see as they started filming Breaking Dawn the final two part movie in the Twilight Saga. What pissed me off was that the bastards said they were going to be filming but they weren't, which made me think they were bastards. On the other hand, they didn't owe me anything, and maybe I was pissed because they didn't hire me to be Rob's double, the bastards. Anyway, I gave them the benefit of the doubt, and called it null, since they weren't filming. But still I wasn't satisfied, by now I was convinced that they MUST be bastards, but there was a lingering doubt. Next stop Vancouver.

Being in Seattle, I saw that they were filming in Vancouver, so I made the trek. I almost missed any action because they canceled a shoot due to a tsunami warning, and I think it was wise, though nothing happened. But on March 14, I located a film shoot and went to check it out. I was standing on the sidewalk of the building adjacent to the Orpheum Theater, when I finally confirmed the worst, they are probably bastards. There were probably 20 people max standing talking amongst ourselves on the sidewalk, trying to see if anyone would come in or go out of the building, when a lanky looking nerd of some sort of black curly haired, olive skinned origin came over. Like a slimy little bastard he addressed the group, as he was obviously not man enough to speak to anyone individually. "Your not going to see anything. You can wait all day, but your not going to see anything" It was something the annoying bully at school would tell the nice kid waiting in line at the zoo to see the baby panda. He was acting as if this group of women and girls was going to attack, or worse yet, take a picture and sell it to a magazine, which would actually promote the movie!

Anyway, he was and is a bastard, I got some good video footage of him, and even some up the nose shots. With my HD camera I caught every pore on his bastardly face. What's more, he had a Louisiana State University beanie on, so I assumed he was with the crew down in Baton Rouge, so it goes to show that they were probably bastards there too. Along with the lame and lanky beanie man, was a beard and someone so forgettable I forgot them. They too were bastards. It seems to me, that the least they could do would be to engage these loyal fans in some friendly banter, saying things like "Yeah the movie is going to be awesome, are you going to the premiere?" which anyone who is not a true bastard would realize would make them all the more eager to watch the movie. The fans might have even told there friends how cool the people at Summit were. They were out there acting like bastards to the point that I was beginning to wonder if they were not getting paid. Hah! Bastards.

In conclusion, I would like to say this, it seems to some degree that Summit is in fact a bunch of typical bastards. On the other hand I am drawing from a few isolated incidents. I would be remiss to label the entire entity bastards without further evidence. That is where my readers come in. I am sure that between the three of you there might be some sort of notion as to the bastardization of Summit Entertainment. So please use the comment thread to share your stories, so we can really get to the bottom of this irksome question. Thank you kindly for your support, Buzzsaw, who is in fact a definite bastard.

Note: In the summer of 2010 I lived in Forks Washington and had the good fortune to fall in with the local Harley guys. Through that association I met some riders from eastern Washington, one of whom was a military explosives detonation expert, who had served at least two tours in Iraq and was headed back again, a real cowboy. Since I had enjoyed The Hurt Locker, I asked him (being an expert) if it was realistic. He laughed whole heartedly and said it was awful. So, on account of this expert witness I would have to conclude that it is more evidence that Summit Entertainment are at least bastards, and possibly rat bastards. Who would make a movie that mocks our soldiers who are risking their lives to serve their country? Only a mother bitch bastard. Yep, I think those bastards are bastards!

Uncanny Resemblance

"You know, you look like Bam Margera!" If you imagine this phrase in an Irish accent and the scene to be a restroom at The Blarneystone in Vancouvers Gaslight District, you will have an idea what last night was like. In fact that was not the first time I was Bam Margera-dentified. I am happy about it. But really I am more twidentified really. In fact I was inspired to write a short list of uncanny similarities between Rob Pattinson and one Buzzsaw Barnes.

I guess a good enough starting point is that Rob is from the Barnes district of London. Its strange enough that he looks so much like me, but did his mum and dad really have to live in a place that is the same as my last name? It's weird. Two sisters. Both of us. Although he is youngest and I am in the middle it is still uncanny. I think even stranger than that is our hobbies and passions.

The fact that we both play guitar is not so odd. Literally billions of people belong to the "guitar army." What is truly weird is that we are both good at music. In fact last night while Rob was or was not bedded down with Kristen Stewart, I was jamming with street musicians and making money for them. In fact a group of dudes ran across Granville street by the Sears building to give them money. I ended up playing without a pick and bleeding all over the guitar. That is how I roll. One thing I know is true, it's a good thing I am straight crazy.

We both like to read, which in this day in age is kind of weird. In college I was in a weight training class and the guys I was lifting with were talking about video games (I was Rob's age at this point). They asked me what I thought, and I told them I didn't play video games. Dumbfounded one of the bro's asked what on earth I did if I didn't play video games. I told him I liked to read. He looked at me as if I had a unicorn's horn. It makes me happy that Rob reads too.

Obviously Rob is an actor. Though I have never done any film or play acting, I have done a lot of acting. The venue that I have used is voice acting. I am a radio man. In my opinion there is nothing more fun than creating funny characters and putting them in weird situations. That is what I did on air. We also had a lot of fun recording them for PSA's (public service announcements). What I like about this similarity is that we each have our own style. I am mostly a comic actor/story teller, though I would love to be in crime, western, or war movies. I could not pull off the roles Rob takes, and I am glad. The last thing the world needs is two Edward Cullen's!

Another similarity is that we are both weird. In an interview Rob said he was excited to live in a place with a microwave for the first time and that he was having fun microwaving crazy stuff like carrots. This sounds like a blast! I have lot of weird hobbies and games such as Tubin' which I know might look dumb to women, but guys love it, especially when combined with beer. 10 to 1 odds, I could make a hell of a tuber out of Mr RPattz.

I will finish with this. We were born 7 years apart, but within 23 days of each other. If you know me, I have always though the zodiac signs were a load of crap. I still do. Both Rob and I are Taurus' the bull. I have no idea of our supposed personality traits, but I am sure they are vague, which is why the horoscope seems like it is right.

My hope is that somehow I can trace my lineage to some kind of common relative. If I were even a cousin 100 times removed I would immediately claim it and I would make a ton of money. It would make my life really easy. Perhaps some of my Barnes relatives had some kind of ancient minstrel relative that is also related to Rob. I am not banking on this, but it would be really nice.

In closing, I am really glad that Rob is a seemingly really nice and humble guy. He is obviously talented. I am cheering for him and really hoping that his next couple movies will establish him as something beyond Twilight. I think he is going to do it. Really we are both in the same situation. Except for the fact that I am poor and relatively unknown, and did not actually appear in Twilight. We both think Stephanie Meyer is crazy too! Rob's opinion. Buzzsaw's opinion. Anyway, much love and respect to my fake younger brother. If you want to mess with him you will have to watch out for me. I do not fight fair either. Have a wonderful day, Buzzsaw.

R-Pattz, K-Stew, the Paparazzi, & you! Fighting fire With Fire!

I can't speak for everybody, but I like my privacy. I want to be able to go about my daily tasks without having them interrupted by strangers, the obvious exception being beautiful single women. In the last couple years though that has become increasingly difficult due to my being twidentified. For example, last August I was at La Push Washington outside the now defunct Rivers Edge restaurant. I was talking to a friend and a couple was sitting in their min van right in front of me. I watched as the woman took out her camera, talked to her husband than, with total impunity took a picture of me. Then they drove off without ever talking to me.

It was kind of creepy and kind of funny at the same time. For me it really wasn't that weird by August 2010, but I am sure for anyone else it would not be very cool at all. Still what I go through is nothing compared to what the actual movie stars go through when it comes to paparazzi chases and lack of privacy, yet it makes me aware to some degree what they are going through. The purpose of this piece is to help fans learn how they can help out in the war on paparazzi. As the worlds most twidentified man, as well as a former juvenile delinquent, I think I can offer some insight.

It was on Sunset Strip June 21, 2010 that I got my first true paparazzi experience. My business partner Lando and I had stumbled upon an event hosted by Bing and decided to see if I would get twidentified. Long story short, I didn't but I learned about the dreadful paparazzi. We were standing on the steps of the Bank of America building surrounded by models in disgusting looking, and obviously expensive clothes when the "stars" arrived. Due to my complete ignorance, I didn't know who they were. It turns out one was Drake. The paparazzi reaction was intense!

One girl got out of a limo and walked down the "press" area and a group of full grown men with bulging eyes "barked" questions at her. In fact I could not tell what they were doing except it sounded like a pack of wild animals! I was in shock! How does she know what they are saying? How can they hear her while they are barking? It blew my mind! The paparazzi even looked like animals! Greasy and uncouth with beady eyes! I was afraid they were going to knife me! "It's Rob!" They jump me "Wait that ain't Rob! Let's kill him!" Thump. Kick. Punch. And they beat me to death with their cameras!

After the security cleared everyone out we walked up Sunset to check the scene. At the nearest gas station we saw the same paparazzi group pumping gas and talking on cell phones arranging their next attack. The whole gas station was filled with their ominous looking black SUV's. So we realized, that like a group of wild dogs, they hunt in packs. At this point Lando and I started discussing how we could defeat them. Here is essentially what we came up with: Fight fire with fire!

One thing I know about people is that they usually get angry about their own bad qualities when they see them demonstrated in others. I know I do, I feel like an idiot, but I have to admit it. Knowing that I formulated a theory that though they love taking pictures of others, paparazzi would probably not really like to have their pictures taken and having people bark at them. So I figured we should form a paparazzi paparazzi. A group of people who specialize in taking pictures of the paparazzi and invading their privacy as much as possible. The next day I tried my theory.

At the Nokia Theater (I wrote in greater detail in a previous post) I was essentially attacked because of the twidentification thing. The whole time I was fairly uncomfortable, but when I saw that I was getting photographed by paparazzo I snapped. I grabbed Lando's camera and got right in their faces firing off photo's. They literally disappeared! Perhaps they just thought I was a moron, which is actually true quite often, but I also think that they were not keen on getting their photo's shot. I would love to test this theory further.

What I would suggest for any fan of Rob, Kristen, or any other popular celebrity, would be to take pictures of the paparazzi as often as you can. If you can in any way infiltrate their groups, start to mislead them via twitter. They are following you, so you have to try and figure out how to use that to your advantage. I would love to see a website dedicated to posting pictures of paparazzi members, preferably while they are not working. Know where they live? Have a picnic in front of their house. See them leave? Follow. Hey people, let's get creepy. Let's get creepy as hell! I see no reason why we shouldn't.

These are great techniques, but how can someone who lives in Lawrence KS do anything about it? For one stop buying the stuff they sell. There is big money in a photo of K-Stew and R-Pattz, but do you really need one of them grocery shopping to round out your collection? I think not. I honestly see absolutely no way it could be interesting. Even if it is something amazing and unheard of like the Kardashian sisters shopping in Beverly Hills, I don't need it. So if you love your stars please don't buy that crap. It's not like the articles are new. They just reuse the same garbage again and again. It is totally irrelevant.

Lastly I want to talk about safety. I probably should have done that first, some people probably got bored and only read "fight fire with fire." Needless to say I am sure their will be an arson or 5 and I will be blamed. For the rest of you, don't do anything illegal, just creep them out. Ask the paparazzi for their autographs. Get in their way! Tell them you want to have their baby! Tell the you are pregnant with their baby! But don't get involved in a car chase, we don't need another Princess Diana. I am also NOT saying that it would be funny if you let the air out of the tires of a known paparazzo while they are out and about on foot. I am NOT saying that at all. Because it would be bad. Not funny as hell. Seriously, do NOT do that.

Love, Buzzsaw

Women Hate Kristen Stewart! IT'S BECAUSE THEY ARE JEALOUS!

Editors preface: When I wrote this piece I had no idea that it would get spread around the Internet like a BBC video of wild animals speaking in British accents, but somehow it has. I wrote it for no other reason than the fact that I thought it was true to some degree. That said, it is in no way something I am very passionate about. It was intended to be a humorous spin on an obvious phenomenon. I do not take this seriously, and neither should you. The truth is, I think it is kind of boring. Read on if you must, but let it be known, I feel that even my most mundane posts are funnier, more interesting, and generally sexier. Thank you. Buzzsaw 2/22/2011

In the past two years I have learned more than the entire 7 years I was working on my bachelor's degree. It has been a sort of unaccredited masters program in The Twilight Saga, and the social and economic effect it is having on society. Of course when I started I knew I would learn about how billions of dollars are spent on Twi-swag, that is a no-brainer. What I had no idea about, and what I should have already known, is that women in general are incredibly mean/cruel to their own. Maybe is that men are less likely to be deeply hurt by snide remarks and bitchy expressions. Even so, until I got into this and realized how mean women are to Kristen I was pretty naive!

When I was making my living posing for people as "The Genuine Fake Edward" and "Robert Pattinson's actual mock relative" occasionally people asked where Bella was. I assume that is because they wanted to kill her. By the second week (after I had posed with a ring proposing to an actual girl named Bella) I was calling all the girls who walked through the door Bella. It was simply a good business policy! Over the course of about 4 months I think I found a couple guylighters who liked Bella, and I heard about a lesbian who fancied her. Nothing more. I decided to dig deeper to find out why.

Most of the women who hate Kristin claim it is because of her acting. They say she is "the same in every movie" or that she just sucks. I have not ever seen Kristen in any other movie, so I don't know. I do know that she has managed to keep getting roles, so apparently even if she is as bad as they say, somebody is buying. Not that it matters. What I found suspicious is that all the women who "hate her acting" are also suspiciously in love with Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner...But women don't get JEALOUS do they?????!!!!!

My opinion is that yes, they are absolutely, irrevocably, and undeniably, jealous of Kristen. I have honestly seen postings on the internet where women (the ones who never show their picture) are making fun of her because she said John Steinbeck is her favorite author! It's crazy! They were saying that it made her dumb! I don't know about my readers, but these days a young person who even has a favorite author is a bit of a surprise. Not only that actors and actresses are notorious for being vacuous and stupid. Come on ladies, I won't make fun of you if you just admit that you are completely jealous! Please, just say it. I don't believe your lies, I don't even care.

So perhaps the women are right. Maybe she can't act. I don't know, when I see her in "On The Road" I will have a better idea. Either way, it won't do much good to hate her because you love Rob Pattinson. Let me give you a hint, you are not going to be his girlfriend. Ever. So whether or not Rob and Kristen are together, you better get used to it. Because if he gets married or has another girlfriend, I am sure you are going to say you hate her too. And it will be jealousy. I can imagine Rob marrying someone who is both beautiful, genius (Nobel Prize), and a humanitarian. The perfect woman. It wouldn't matter, jealous women would find all her flaws and create online communities to discuss it.

That is just how women can be. Vindictive and cruel. Usually much crueler to other women than men. As I mentioned, we don't care as much, and we are sort of stupid with picking up on stuff, so when a woman says something extra biting, we just might miss it. The nice thing is that women understand themselves. I am sure Kristen has read the nasty things that are said about her. It is probably why she acts like a bitch sometimes. If you were under that kind of scrutiny what would you do? I would personally create images and illusions. It is a pretty good way of keeping your own life private, while at the same time creating controversy and getting publicity. Anyway, the point of this piece is not to defend Kristen's acting, which I have hardly seen, but rather to get you women to admit you are jealous. Don't try to lie, because I don't believe you. Just grow up and say it. "I hate Kristen because I want to be her."

Editors note: From my experience I find that the most vocal opponents of K-Stew are married women. I would venture to guess that the reason they do not display their own pictures is because they are crazy looking. At best. Who their husbands are I do not know. Most likely you will find them on Peopleof walmart.com, shows like Cops, and perhaps at gay bars. I do not feel sorry for these women. I actually don't even feel sorry for Kristen. She is paid well, and probably has the sense not to care. All I want is for the haters to admit their jealousy. And perhaps hire a gigolo.

SAG Blocks Pattinson from accepting role as firefighter!

It was widely reported that actor Robert Pattinson was involved in talks with the producers for the upcoming remake of Towering Inferno last week. It all came to a halt today as the Screen Actors Guild stepped in between the hunk and the production company, virtually begging them to abandon the collaboration. In a private meeting with the actor, SAG president Ken Howard personally asked Pattinson to give up the role. Our sources stated that when faced with the gravity of the situation the British actor agreed to do so saying “It just makes sense.” It seems that all parties came to agree about one thing. Robert Pattinson in a fire fighters uniform is something so sexy that the world isn’t ready for it!

“Do you REALLY think that anyone is going to stand in line for an Adam Sandler rom-com when we have Robert Pattinson running around in uniform?” Howard said at a press conference early this afternoon. “We have always known that women love a man in uniform. And when that man is R-Pattz, all the other movies released that month are going to flop! That’s why we asked him to decline the role.”

According to an SAG press release this is not the first time a lead actor has been asked to decline a role. In a similar case George Clooney was asked to turn down a role as Don Juan and it is widely reported that Megan Fox has agreed never to wear a nurse’s uniform in an SAG production. Interestingly, Russel Crowe and Ridley Scott were not reprimanded for producing Robin Hood, even though it’s viewers suffered an alarmingly high in theater suicide rate!

We lucky enough to speak with Pattinson and Clooney about the topic and both were refreshingly candid about the whole thing. “I guess you could say it wasn’t unexpected” Pattinson said while combing his fingers through his trade mark locks. “If you have seen my fans they are absolutely mad! I can imagine that if the movie had been made, every firefighter in the country would have loads of women lining up!” Of course we had a laugh about it, but the reality of it is that if the world got an epic movie starring Robert Pattinson as a fire fighter, absolutely nothing would get done.

“Who wants to go see another Pixar movie about farm animals when you have that going on?” George Clooney is waving a preproduction mock up of Rob in uniform at my nose. “I showed this to my 90 year old aunt and she was acting like a 12 year old.” Shaking his head he went on.  “In fact” Clooney said “Putting Rob Pattinson in a firefighters uniform is damn near equal to setting off a nuke. The man is sexy. AND I KNOW SEXY!” Coming from the 12 time world’s sexiest man this is a strong statement indeed!

According to the SAG release, the projected losses suffered by other productions would be around 3 billion dollars if this movie is made. “We just hated to do it, but it was the only choice.” Howard told us. “I know how good it would have been. That is my burden. It’s what makes my job so damn difficult. I know how good it would have been.” So do we. So do we.

Personally I hope that we still have a chance to see Robert Pattinson don the uniform, but I am afraid it will not be for a long while. The world is just not ready. Until that day comes we will have to be satisfied with what we have. But we can always hope!

Photo: Courtesy of Amanda Johnson, 2011

The questions keep coming!

Dear Mr Barnes, We have become aware that you are using the term “Twidentified.” In doing so you are compromising the integrity of our firm and our products. As the producers of the Twilight saga we feel that it is vital to ask you to cease and desist from use of this word. Though we do not own this word itself we own the prefix “twi” and all words containing this prefix.  We want you to realize how serious we are so the following are an actual list of other groups and organizations we have filed similar actions against: Twimoms of Kentucky (multi million dollar settlement in our favor), twilovers of Asia (cease and desist as well as flogging of founders Yee Lin and Sue Young), and the MidWest Twi-teens Special Olympics fundraising club (multi-million dollar settlement and published letter of apology). In short we mean business and do not intend to let your little song and dance routine go unpunished. If you intend to continue in your impudent ways, rest assured you will have lawyers all over you like Asians at Disneyland. If you know what is good for you get out before we kill you.

Best regards, Al Goldstein VP Summit Entertainment CO

Dear Al, I have deleted my facebook account and taken my website offline, what else do I need to do? Best Regards, Buzzsaw

Darling Buzzard, I really like this nickname, do you mind if I use it? I found you via the internet and I am very glad I did. You see I am a wealthy woman and I am interested in collaborating with you. In particular I would like to make a mask with your face on it. You might be aware that there is nowhere to buy an “Edward” mask and if we make one of your face it will be the next best thing. I am sure it would not sell much in the US but since Asians love Twilight I think that we could do well in that market. It turns out that Asian men even like to read Twilight! Perhaps that is because of the language barrier. Anyway, hey, let’s make a mask with your face. Also I want you to copyright your face as well. It would be very good business. Ta ta, Silvia

Dear Silvia, that is really weird. If you have the money I’ve got the time. At the same time, I am having trouble understanding how I would copyright my face, but if it makes sense to you it makes sense to me. Also if you have this much money why don’t you go to www.edwardsinforks.smugmug.com and buy some pictures, I could really use the money! Love always Buzzard

Hi. I am in love with you. And not because of your looks. That does come into play though. Actually I am in love with you because of your role in the Twilight Saga. Signed Dee Dee in Fiji

Dear Dee Dee, thanks, did you like my work? I really appreciate it. If you want to give me a call, I will e-mail you my number. Call  me anytime, seriously. Ian Barnes

Dearest Blizzard, did you know that you are soo much sexy man? I attraction everyday with man like this! So much sexxxy is good! You know I from Lebenon! Many girl love you face works, looks so nice/good. Please love me to be you girlfriend? I hope so. If no Maybe suicide. JK Hahahahahaha! Lovely, Marika

Dear Marika, please seek professional help. Best Regards, Blizzard

Dear Buzzsaw, hard hitting questions, answers that count!

Dear Buzzsaw I have recently become interested in hypnotism, I also like creating characters for World of Warcraft. Do you have any interesting hobbies? Toni in Duluth

Dear Toni, I am happy to hear that you are contributing to society. I have a lot of experience with hypnotism, since I grew up next door to Madame Larina, the best hypnotist in Bellevue WA. During the years I lived next to her I saw many examples of hypnotism, from the cat who thought he was Edgar Allan Poe, to the fat man who thought he was Marylin Monroe (Norma Jean really). As far as WOW, I am a level 6 warrior with a level 7 spells certification. My hobbies include dancing (hip hop and swing), scrapbooking, and luge. I don’t get to luge much because it is not cold enough here, I am sure you know how that goes. Thanks for your question, I am currently in the bathtub. Love Buzzsaw

Hey Buzzsaw, with all these girls after you, do you find it hard to relax? If yes, what do you do to relax? Sean from London

Hi there Sean. Actually it may seem like a lot of girls are after me, but really they mostly just watch me and don’t actually talk to me. Believe it or not I won tickets to a concert a month ago and I had to go alone because I could not find anyone to go with! That said I do find it hard to relax. I have gone paranoid of being out in public because I keep getting Twidentified and I never know when it will happen! In order to relax I like to play Jenga. I also have a very large estate on Farmville. So if you get the chance to send me some corn or hay, I would love it! By the way, I have been meaning to ask you if your brother Dean is still planning on climbing Mt Everest? Sincerely Buzz

Hey Mr, my dad said that you were unemployable, which is why you don’t have a job. Have you ever considered working at Outback Steakhouse? Love Sara

Dear Sara, your father sounds like a nice guy! Tell him that I have grown accustomed to the hoboe lifestyle and due to my minuscule expense account I have been able to hang around without working. So in short, yes, I am not accustomed to working, I will have to ramp up slowly if I get a job because I don’t want to get hurt. As far as the Outback, no. It sounds awful.  Love Buzz

Hi there, you might not know me, that is because I stalk you on the internet and I am too scared to say anything to you. You know, I think I am in love with you. If I had the chance to meet you, you would get groped for sure. How does that make you feel. By the way, I am a married woman. Sexy Cindy from Syracuse

Hello Sexy Cindy. I must say I am flattered by your interest in me. In fact I am so flattered that I have installed an alarm and a motion detector light on my house. I am sure you are aware of the fact that I do not have a house, it is really a bungalow. If I told you where it was I would be crazy, so I will just say this, it is really dirty. And cold. Anyway, I have to say that you are creeping me out. In a good way. However the fact that you admit to being married is not something that makes me excited to meet you. I have yet to be shot by a jealous lover, and with all the people in this world I should hope I could meet a crazy single girl just as easily as meeting a crazy married woman. So I would greatly appreciate it if you stayed the hell away from me at least as long as you are married. Bye, Ian

Dear Buzzsaw, what do think about globalization? Scott

Dear Scott, this is a difficult question. You see I am not quite sure what globalization is. It is in a long list of things such as the Federal Reserve which I am not able to figure out. I have been too busy trying to be funny to actually contribute to society in a way that will actually help anyone. You might say I am sort of a kook. Anyway, if you do figure it out would you please let me know? I hate not knowing answers to readers questions. Yours eternally, Buzzsaw

Hey, my name is Liz. I am very attracted to you. I have to say that I am not like the others. I like you because your nickname is Dick. Or one of them. The reason I like this is because I am a huge pervert and “Dick” is a slang term for “penis”, so that is why I like you. Do you have one of those? Sorry for all the questions. But I am devoted to finding out the answer to this question. I love you, Dick. And yes I know that your main nickname is Buzzsaw, but you also have the nickname Dick, which no one really uses, but I noticed right away. Also I have read all your blogs. I don’t really like them I just like your nickname. Love you. Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Hi Liz. I appreciate that you have noticed the D-Patz (Dick Pattinson) nickname. I find it unique that you like me for this reason. You did not tell me where you lived, but if you are ever in Seattle we will have to get together for coffee. Sincerely D-Patz PS-You are a kick! Seriously!

Hi Buzzsaw, do you remember me? I saw you in Forks but I never talked to you because you looked like Robert Pattinson. I am in love with him. It is because of this that I am trying to find him. I think that if he meets me I will probably be able to win his heart. In know that at the age of 48 I am a little older than he is, but what I can offer him is experience. You see that older women have experience as lovers, so we have a lot to bring to the table. Anyway, if you meet him will you slip one of the pills I mailed you into his drink. Of course I will take it from there, and thank you. Sincerely Dena the huntress

Hi Dena. You have a very interesting story! I would love to help you with your project. Anyway, do you still have the same phone number that you mailed me? I might have some questions for you in the future. Love Buzzsaw PS-I took one of those pills, it was the best nights sleep I have ever had!

Dear Buzzsaw, I am currently writing a story that recreates Twilight using plankton and cellular biology as characters instead of people! I bet you will really like it! Sincerely, FanficforeverMichelleCullen

Dear Fanfic, it sounds really cool! Let me know when you finish! What a sweet concept. I have always been searching for a way to marry my interest in science with that of pop culture vampire romance, it sounds like you did it! You go girl! Love Buzzard

Dear Sir. I am sure you are aware that you owe us money for the cosmetic surgery that you received from our clinic in December 2008. If you do not pay us, we will be forced to expose you as a fraud. I am sure your fans would be very interested to find out that you are actually a black woman obsessed with Robert Pattinson. We have seen that you are gaining an impressive following online, please do not force us to publish before and after picture (as well as tell people that your real name is Chantelle Tyson), so please send us the balance of $45,978 and we will let you continue in your delusion. Dr Peter Facinelli, Seattle Cosmetic Surgery Clinic, Seattle WA

Dear Dr, I sent you a check last week. You did not get it? Please call me and I will be sure to get this little snafoo straightened out. Chantelle