SAG Blocks Pattinson from accepting role as firefighter!

It was widely reported that actor Robert Pattinson was involved in talks with the producers for the upcoming remake of Towering Inferno last week. It all came to a halt today as the Screen Actors Guild stepped in between the hunk and the production company, virtually begging them to abandon the collaboration. In a private meeting with the actor, SAG president Ken Howard personally asked Pattinson to give up the role. Our sources stated that when faced with the gravity of the situation the British actor agreed to do so saying “It just makes sense.” It seems that all parties came to agree about one thing. Robert Pattinson in a fire fighters uniform is something so sexy that the world isn’t ready for it!

“Do you REALLY think that anyone is going to stand in line for an Adam Sandler rom-com when we have Robert Pattinson running around in uniform?” Howard said at a press conference early this afternoon. “We have always known that women love a man in uniform. And when that man is R-Pattz, all the other movies released that month are going to flop! That’s why we asked him to decline the role.”

According to an SAG press release this is not the first time a lead actor has been asked to decline a role. In a similar case George Clooney was asked to turn down a role as Don Juan and it is widely reported that Megan Fox has agreed never to wear a nurse’s uniform in an SAG production. Interestingly, Russel Crowe and Ridley Scott were not reprimanded for producing Robin Hood, even though it’s viewers suffered an alarmingly high in theater suicide rate!

We lucky enough to speak with Pattinson and Clooney about the topic and both were refreshingly candid about the whole thing. “I guess you could say it wasn’t unexpected” Pattinson said while combing his fingers through his trade mark locks. “If you have seen my fans they are absolutely mad! I can imagine that if the movie had been made, every firefighter in the country would have loads of women lining up!” Of course we had a laugh about it, but the reality of it is that if the world got an epic movie starring Robert Pattinson as a fire fighter, absolutely nothing would get done.

“Who wants to go see another Pixar movie about farm animals when you have that going on?” George Clooney is waving a preproduction mock up of Rob in uniform at my nose. “I showed this to my 90 year old aunt and she was acting like a 12 year old.” Shaking his head he went on.  “In fact” Clooney said “Putting Rob Pattinson in a firefighters uniform is damn near equal to setting off a nuke. The man is sexy. AND I KNOW SEXY!” Coming from the 12 time world’s sexiest man this is a strong statement indeed!

According to the SAG release, the projected losses suffered by other productions would be around 3 billion dollars if this movie is made. “We just hated to do it, but it was the only choice.” Howard told us. “I know how good it would have been. That is my burden. It’s what makes my job so damn difficult. I know how good it would have been.” So do we. So do we.

Personally I hope that we still have a chance to see Robert Pattinson don the uniform, but I am afraid it will not be for a long while. The world is just not ready. Until that day comes we will have to be satisfied with what we have. But we can always hope!

Photo: Courtesy of Amanda Johnson, 2011

More BS qustions, answers are all true!

Since I have other more important work to do I have decided to dedicate myself to answering my reader’s questions. Here goes round two:

1)      Where were you in Baton Rouge when the black man said that Keith Urban “ain’t country!”? Bobbi McGee, Nashville TN

Dear Bobbi McGee, I was sitting at the breakfast nook at the Days Inn. I think it was days in, it could have been La Quinta. Either way it was very close to Perkins Rowe on the east side of the highway. There are a Mexican restaurant with a bunch of crazy metal sculptures and a gas station in the same parking lot. The fact of the matter is, he said it, and it is true. Though he may be talented, the very fact that his last name is URBAN says a lot! The truth is that there has not been a country song on the radio for years. Hell, people call Taylor Swift country but I have heard her and never noticed! Mainstream music will always leave you wanting truth. Though I think I might move to Nashville and start writing hits. I have always enjoyed using formulas.  I hope that answered your question Bobbi! Love IDB

2)      Hi there! When will you be coming to Canada so I can get a picture with you and you can jam? The Lovely One.

Dear TLO, at this point I am not quite sure. If you buy me a plane ticket I will be there quite soon. I am always up for adventure. If you live in Vancouver BC I might see you in late February when the Twilight cast arrives in town to finish making Breaking Wind. Aside from these two scenarios, as I mentioned before, if/when I ever get tied in with a proper tour and promotions I want to tour without stopping. So here are your options: Buy me a ticket. Buy you a ticket. Promote my work to others in hopes that my career takes off and I am not so damn broke! Thanks, Ian

3)      Dear Ian, Does Sequim WA have the best high school football games or what? Ashley in Sequim

Dear Ashley, Sequim High has a dominant team with awesome fan support. When I went to high school not only did our team stink, but I had the worst school spirit imaginable. When I went to your home game it was really fun to see all the wild fans go crazy as the team routed the opponents! I had so much fun that I am bummed that I only got to see two games this year. I was able to visit my high school and watch the homecoming game though, we won (surprisingly), and I got Twidentified by the opposing teams fans! It was fun, but Sequim is WAY more fun! So for those who are out of the loop, Sequim High School football rocks! Ian Barnes

4)      Are you ready for some football? Caleb KB, Portland OR

Dear Caleb, yes. IDB

5)      How many of your Twilight friends are single mothers? I have a feeling Twilight is huge with moms! Caleb KB, Portland OR

How right you are Mr. KB, how right you are! I don’t have any statistics, but I do know that there are millions of Twimoms! In fact I am a member of the Middle Georgia Twimoms as well as The South East Texas Twimoms! If it wasn’t for what I call the “older and bolder” I would have starved to death last summer in Forks! The Twi-teens are great but they are often a little shy. It takes the twimoms sometimes to break the ice! I don’t know how many are single, there are too many to count, but I am sure there are plenty. The world of Twilight Saga fandom is vast and varied. It is NOT just teens! It’s not just twimoms either! That is the fun. You never know who is a secret Twi-hard! Buzzsaw PS-I am about to mail you some money!

6)      When will your book be in stores? Another Friend From Hawaii

Dear AFFH, first of all, the book has not even been finished in first draft form. I am not going to tell you when it will be available; I haven’t even finished it yet. The truth is it might never be available! I am determined to finish it, but I am not deluded about the fact that a lot of good books have been written and never published. That said I think it would be a fool of a publisher if they did not swoop it up. When I am done with the draft and we edit it down to 300 pages I am sure it will have a broad appeal. I think it will resonate with the American spirit. We are a culture who is obsessed with celebrity but at the same time sucking down “reality” shows like nobody’s business! I think my story is sort of a blend of both. It’s even better because I am doing all these things with little or no money, simply because I want to get the best stories. And I have them, let me tell you. If you want to see my book in stores please promote my work by sending links to TV shows and newspapers. Your testimony will go a long way. Thanks, Ian

7)      Hi. Would you rather have a fox’s tail, rabbit ears, eyebrows that wiggle like a caterpillar, or hear the word “fart” every time you farted? Cat in Woodinville

Dear Cat. Eyebrows like a caterpillar. The first two don’t seem as fun. As for the last one, I think farting noises are hilarious. I can always say the word fart if I want. Also there are situations which require silent farts. It can be very important. If the word “fart” came out instead of sound I would always be blamed when it was me. I like ambiguity. Barnes

8)      Would you like to come over and have a dip in the pool? Michelle from Australia

Dear Michelle, yes, I love swimming. I will be there next week and I will be visiting for a year. IDB

9)      What do you think of Ted Williams? T from Sea

Dear T from Sea, I think that Ted Williams was a great baseball player who was reputedly a jerk. This is all I know. I did a little research to make sure that is what you are talking about. I am guessing that your Ted Williams is the “homeless man with the golden voice.” As for him I have only seen advertisements on Facebook. I am sure he is a great singer, a lot of homeless people are. It seems to me to be a bit of a publicity stunt on Oprah’s part though. There are lots of very talented homeless people. If she wanted to help them out she could easily do so without attracting attention to herself. I also wonder why they keep talking about him being homeless. It almost seems like a gimmick. His voice should be able to carry it. That said we are in the country that promotes the underdog. It is the American dream of rags to riches. I hope that he is able to develop a sustainable career and really get popular. I am usually happy when others succeed. I hope that makes sense, Buzzsaw

10)   What is the longest relationship you have been in? What happened to make it end? Queen Victoria

Dear Queen Vic, you really want to know? Probably 3 months tops. That is with official relationships. I have had longer relationships, those that were friendships hoping to turn into something more, but never quite made it. One early relationship ended with attempted suicide (not mine). Another simply faded out. We never got to know each other. She was having trouble opening up, and I was very involved in music projects. I moved away. There have been three others where I really felt like I was in love. Those three women have all married friends of mine. So we are all better friends because of it. It has been painful at times, but in reality I am glad I am single. It would be tough to do what I do and maintain a relationship. I really hope that I can get this book published and make some money so I have an excuse for all the traveling I want to do. Since I would rather have no relationship than a bad one, I am quite content for now. Of course I have no idea what might lie in store d

It's been a weird year (2010 top 10)

Hello friends, I apologize for my lack of work on this here BS report, but I have been rather busy these last couple of weeks. I have been so busy that I can't even think of anything funny. At least nothing worth writing about. So I am putting this together to highlight a great strange year. It will be two parts, a top ten list of 2010:

10. Finishing my album "Devil in The Tim Shop" has got to be on this list. I started this project in May when I recorded guitar, vocals and harmonica for ten songs in my kitchen with my friend Caleb Baker of Troubador Studios, Portland Oregon. We then recorded background vocals, bass and violin at another house in north Seattle. This was done while I was doing a welding job, setting up to go to Forks, moving out of my house, and playing a gospel concert at Seattle Folklife Festival. We did two hours of electric guitar stuff in early October in Portland. I then got the call that there was time this past week to record. So I went down and recorded three new songs and overdubbed a bit more. The rest of the time was spent mixing and editing. Here is the link: http://www.reverbnation.com/ianbuzzsawbarnes

9. Taking a trip to the southlands to go on a major Twilight destination vacation/work trip. I have always wanted to visit the south so when I was given the opportunity to take a trip down with a tough Aussie twi-mum and my buddy Lando, I took it. We got to meet friends old and new. We saw the studio where they are filming Twilight: Breaking Dawn. We found another film location and I had someone walk off his job at risk of being fired because he thought I was Robert Pattinson. I also got Twidentified by a guy with one leg and a pot leaf hat in Austin TX. I flew from Austin to Seattle and landed in the middle of a snow storm.

8. Inventing the word "twidentified". It has really saved me a LOT of time. Especially since I am writing a book about all the experiences which come with being very much twidentified. While we were in Portland I was twidentified by a stoned hippy. She was a total Twilight fan, even going to Forks. Another funny thing is that my friend and engineer/co-producer Caleb calls it "Itwinified" he has also been known to say "twitified." For the past few days I have been using "itwinified."

7. Making enough money, by hook or by crook to survive without "working for the man." As someone who knows he is terrible at running a business, the very idea of cashing out all my investments to move to Forks was a little daunting. The fact that my family thought I was crazy (literally, details in the book) and my friends though Twilight was ridiculous didn't help. At the same time I believed I had a story to tell and somehow I survived. I want to thank everyone who bought a picture, put money in the tip jar, or simply gave me some food. It is because of your generosity that I can write to you now.

6. The only thing better than being crazy enough to quit your job, invest in a photo booth, drive to an LA movie premier, then move to the middle of nowhere to set up shop, is finding someone crazy/stupid enough to join you! My little buddy Lando, that fat little blob, was just the guy. If not for him, I would probably have either gone crazy, been killed, or been wildly successful. All the time I was in the spotlight, he was watching and listening. He helped me get my computer stuff going, and pretty much maintained sanity. He is a very talented guy, so check out his work: http://www.flickr.com/photos/landotrud/

Have a great Christmas, Buzzsaw

The questions keep coming!

Dear Mr Barnes, We have become aware that you are using the term “Twidentified.” In doing so you are compromising the integrity of our firm and our products. As the producers of the Twilight saga we feel that it is vital to ask you to cease and desist from use of this word. Though we do not own this word itself we own the prefix “twi” and all words containing this prefix.  We want you to realize how serious we are so the following are an actual list of other groups and organizations we have filed similar actions against: Twimoms of Kentucky (multi million dollar settlement in our favor), twilovers of Asia (cease and desist as well as flogging of founders Yee Lin and Sue Young), and the MidWest Twi-teens Special Olympics fundraising club (multi-million dollar settlement and published letter of apology). In short we mean business and do not intend to let your little song and dance routine go unpunished. If you intend to continue in your impudent ways, rest assured you will have lawyers all over you like Asians at Disneyland. If you know what is good for you get out before we kill you.

Best regards, Al Goldstein VP Summit Entertainment CO

Dear Al, I have deleted my facebook account and taken my website offline, what else do I need to do? Best Regards, Buzzsaw

Darling Buzzard, I really like this nickname, do you mind if I use it? I found you via the internet and I am very glad I did. You see I am a wealthy woman and I am interested in collaborating with you. In particular I would like to make a mask with your face on it. You might be aware that there is nowhere to buy an “Edward” mask and if we make one of your face it will be the next best thing. I am sure it would not sell much in the US but since Asians love Twilight I think that we could do well in that market. It turns out that Asian men even like to read Twilight! Perhaps that is because of the language barrier. Anyway, hey, let’s make a mask with your face. Also I want you to copyright your face as well. It would be very good business. Ta ta, Silvia

Dear Silvia, that is really weird. If you have the money I’ve got the time. At the same time, I am having trouble understanding how I would copyright my face, but if it makes sense to you it makes sense to me. Also if you have this much money why don’t you go to www.edwardsinforks.smugmug.com and buy some pictures, I could really use the money! Love always Buzzard

Hi. I am in love with you. And not because of your looks. That does come into play though. Actually I am in love with you because of your role in the Twilight Saga. Signed Dee Dee in Fiji

Dear Dee Dee, thanks, did you like my work? I really appreciate it. If you want to give me a call, I will e-mail you my number. Call  me anytime, seriously. Ian Barnes

Dearest Blizzard, did you know that you are soo much sexy man? I attraction everyday with man like this! So much sexxxy is good! You know I from Lebenon! Many girl love you face works, looks so nice/good. Please love me to be you girlfriend? I hope so. If no Maybe suicide. JK Hahahahahaha! Lovely, Marika

Dear Marika, please seek professional help. Best Regards, Blizzard