5 Surprising Reasons That It Actually Sucks To Look Like Robert Pattinson’s Twin

Below are five of the bad things which you might not think about if you are laying around dreaming about being a Robert Pattinson look-alike. Sure there is a lot of glory, and a lot of guys who own chain saw stores and want to make a rubber mask with your face on it. But there are also the moments where a frothing hillbilly steals your novelty Forks Spartans foam hand and shoves his genitals in it to prove that you are gay...if you find this interesting, trust me, this is the very much abridged version of my life in the past two years, and the book I am writing will be much more detailed. Love Buzzsaw PS-I am not complaining, simply exposing things you might find surprising!

5) Unsolicited advice.

I have tried unsuccessfully to carefully craft an opening sentence which explains exactly why I have grown to hate hearing the phrase “Do you know what you should do?” With allegory and metaphor, mixed metaphor and simile, I even tried obscenity (admittedly I liked it and might try it again). Sadly I was left with the painful truth. People think that they have a lot more good ideas than they actually do. Over the course of the last two years I have been subjected to ideas ranging from completely humiliating to downright illegal as hell. In less than 10 cases I have heard good ideas, in less than three of these the idea has actually been achievable (if I had the money it would take just to implement some, I would be retired anyway). Instead I labor away, just waiting for the next person with the brilliant idea of me turning into a gigolo. It should happen in around 11 minutes.

It seems that the less original the idea (gigolo) the more original people think it must be. Never mind the fact that prostitution is known as “the oldest profession” people seem to think it is brilliant. I wonder how brilliant they would think their daughter was if she told them that she had found a way to make $50 and it involved nothing more than “layin’ back and pretendin’ to like it!” Or perhaps they might encourage their son to dress as Batman and panhandle on Hollywood Blvd in front of Mann’s Chinese theater? Surely the same person would also think it is a brilliant idea to evade taxes as well! Of course all of these ideas have been pitched to me, and the only one I haven’t heard multiple times is the tax evasion. Actually that was a Canadian man who was super excited about the possibilities and thought I was a genius, though he REALLY encouraged me never to pay taxes. Wonder how much universal health care he would get if all the Robert Pattinson look-alikes in Canada suddenly stopped paying taxes…

4) The most famous character Robert Pattinson plays is pretty much a transvestite

Though women and girls (and probably gay men) love Edward, most everyone else thinks he is (read: OBVIOUSLY) probably gay. The only reason someone actually might think Edward Cullen is straight is that the author tries so hard to convince you. Even Robert Pattinson said “they made me look like a transvestite as Edward” which is clear to anyone who saw any of the Twilight Saga. I am sure there are worse things to have people think you look like than a transvestite vampire who never bites anything, but I can’t think of any.

Trouble because of this can manifest itself in many ways. From the obnoxious people who ask me things like why I am “trying to be Edward” (and blatantly ignoring the fact that I just told them my website was www.mynameisnotedward.com), to the hillbilly loggers shouting “faggot” from their clearly compensational trucks. There is of course a lot of ground in between, but looking like Edward Cullen is a world away from looking like say, Indiana Jones. Given the choice between the two, I would bet that most straight men would choose to look like Dr Jones if they had the choice.

3) People assume that you make a shit-ton of money

It seems that given this logic that someone who looks like Bill Gates will also be a billionaire, which is where this little misconception breaks down. Considering the fact that even the actual real Robert Pattinson was broke as hell before accidentally making a blockbuster movie, I would hope that people could understand the difficulty in turning a strange coincidence into mountains of cash. Add to that the difficulty in using said coincidence in ways which are not completely degrading or career killing and you have a recipe for a strange career path which sometimes pays well and sometimes doesn’t.

The real problem with it is that when I am walking around in public people will often approach me to ask if they can take a picture with me. So here is the problem, if I ask for money, to me it seems low class and possibly creepy. If I say that I don’t want to take a picture I run the risk of some idiot thinking I am being a jerk and defaming me on the internet. So I have found that the best solution is to act classy and pose for pictures with people, hoping that I can connect with them online, and perhaps when I write my book they will want to buy it (of course it would most likely be to see if they made the cut. Hint: they didn’t).

The misconception that I was making a ton of money was really bad in Forks. Because in Forks if you are making money and girls like you, it means you are a faggot who wants to steal from the town. It is something which can get you beat up (or in my case nearly beat up). Luckily I am too cunning and tough for that to stop me. And luckier still I have friends who ride Harley’s and are named “Fuzzy” (actually just one, but that is enough). So in closing, I have yet to make a big payday, and like any good American, I believe that it is just over the next hill.

2) Women assume that you have a billion “girlfriends”

If you are shy, I would highly recommend looking like a celebrity. It can make meeting girls really easy. On the downside it will probably be your buddy who actually scores. I believe that this is because a lot of women will naturally assume that you are unattainable so they will go for your “easy to seduce” friend. Now, before I get responses from women claiming it is not true, I must insist that I have checked with quite a few women who indeed told me it was. So really not only does it mean that you might not end up with the girl, but that you will be squeezed and screamed at, and still go home alone. Luckily that can only go on for so long before someone accidentally gets jealous of a chance encounter with a hot Canadian (female) prison guard and true feelings come out, but I digress…

1) Most people who aren’t clowns do not make children cry, but I do (without doing anything)

Have you ever been sitting out in front of a store and suddenly hear a small child burst into tears? Of course you might have, but was it because the kid saw you and thought you were a vampire? Trust me; it is something that you don’t get used to. One of the most depressing aspects of this problem is that I would have been one of those children. I have always been easily scared, so I feel even worse about scaring the hell out of babies. I have no desire to cause people psychological problems, and it is honestly a tough load to shoulder. I already envision a life of psychotherapy and men in white suites, but the extra burden of being a baby scaring freak is too much. Trust me, it is a downer when a smiling baby bursts into tears and starts screaming.

There are two kinds of women: Cougars vs Non-Cougars

At the suggestion of a friend I am delving into the topic of how women differ from each other. This is most certainly a stupid thing to do. First of all, besides from the fact that a lot of women are jealous of each other and mean to each other, I really don't know much. Second of all, my main experience with women besides the last year has been from having two sisters. The reality is I know almost nothing. The chances of getting crucified for what I say in this piece are extremely high, so I want to tell my family I love them, and thank you friends for your support. Here goes.

I have to start out from the time I was operating the store in Forks. It was the most interaction I had with women up to that point in my life. I was selling pictures as a genuine look-alike actual fake Twilight guy, the star of a movie whose fanbase is probably 95.9% female. So that was generally our customer base. I noticed a distinct difference right away between the older (cougars, for the general purposes of simplicity) and the younger women. That was this. The cougars, would walk right in and say what they wanted. If they wanted to talk about grabbing my ass, they would. Now they were mostly polite, but they let their feelings show. No problem, they didn't care. I came to call them "The Older and Bolder."

The younger women on the other hand were quite often very shy. Sure they have 5,000 posters of Edward in their bedroom, but they would freeze up when it came time to take pictures. Now mind you, the resemblance is apparently striking, so the shock is understandable, but with the younger women it would linger, whereas the older and bolder would be sassy as hell after a very short time. Of the women I had scream and run away from me, all of them were young. Of the ones who were so star struck they could hardly talk, 90% were young. It was cute.

As far as women go, I would say there is sort of a grey area in the late 20's that is not cougars nor so called young women. These were very interesting. Sometimes, they would be straight up, hell bent for leather to have a good twilight time. But often they would make up heinous lies about "going to the Hoh rain forest" or "camping on first beach" of course being a sort of trusting guy, I believed them. Only to find out later that they were in fact closeted Twihards. How the hell else would a woman from New York end up in Forks and Twidentify me at the Three Rivers Camp ground? Duuuuuh! Twihard!

As for the cougars there is something similar in their age group. Despite their boldness, they did have a weakness, they were damn liars! You don't know how many times I have heard the phrase "Can I get a picture with you? It's for a friend, she will really get a kick out of it!" As if I believe that bullshit! Just admit its for you! Then pay me! If you want my time pay me! And don't play me for the fool woman, because you know damn well that you are going to take it home and get all hot over it, then go ravish your husband, all the while thinking about the British guy you are obsessed with, but through the lens of the wild American writer you managed to actually meet! Just admit it. I started calling bullshit now. At some point you just get tired of the pretense.

I don't know if that makes anything clearer, it might have just muddied the waters. I will say that there is no hard and fast rule because humans are individuals, no matter how much we rely on groups to survive. There will always be a point when our true colors come out, and sometimes those colors came flying out around The World's Most Twidentified Man! To all you ladies, thank you, you are wonderful, you deserve a man to treat you right, and in all likelihood, it ain't gonna be me! But I love you anyway! Buzzsaw

Postscript: I must add that due to the totally unexpected phenomenon of fans running away from me (not because I didn't look like the actual look-alike) I was only able to survive because of the older and bolder, and the fans of Jacob Black. Also there were a surprising number of people who had never heard of Twilight, but saw pictures and thought what we were doing was ballsy and hilarious. They bought a lot of pictures.

Any Financially Amazing Men Out There?

Honestly, who in their right mind would skim past this quirky post. I had to look this is what I found:

Any financially amazing men out there?? - 30 (South Metro)

---

Date: 2011-02-09, 4:32PM CST

I am interested to see if there are any here in Minnesota that are just fun and sweet. I hope your out there. Can't wait to hear from you!

It seems that the author has abandoned her search for financially amazing men instead looking for "fun" and "sweet" guys. For me this is good. If I were more financially amazing, perhaps I would be disappointed. The post fills me with questions. Does she mean rich? If that is the case I would never qualify. Despite my lack of wealth, I think I could paint a pretty good case for being financially amazing. To begin with I am not in much debt. My college loans are paid off. My rent is paid despite the fact that I have been self employed for 9 months. When I started my business it was done using cash. No borrowed money and no one to answer to. These are quite rare in a society that preaches the gospel of mortgage and credit like they are saving lost souls. If these meant I was financially amazing perhaps I could be her new man. Unfortunately she is in Minnesota, and though I am financially amazing, I am not financially amazing enough to get to Minnesota, unless she is financially amazing enough to fly me out!

Perhaps by financially amazing she is talking about my ability to save money while still getting cool stuff. I am sure anyone reading this can appreciate the fun that comes from spending money buying things. Me too. Especially if I am a little depressed. They say that it doesn't actually help, but when you are as financially amazing as me, it does. My method for shopping spree's is very specific. There is a store which was started in Austin TX called Half Priced Books. It is truly wonderful. They have a policy that lets you get paperback books at half off the cover price! This is truly financially amazing!

What I do is look for paperbacks from the 1960's or 50's. At that time paperbacks were usually less than $1, sometimes less than $.50! so I can get out of the store with two giant bags of books for often less than $10! Amazing! Financially AMAZING! All told I feel that I am qualified to be called financially amazing!

Not to brag, but I think I am financially amazing because despite being terrible at selling, I managed to run a business in which I charged people money to take their pictures with me. This is not only an odd profession, but it is psychologically weird as well. In spite of my awkwardness, body odor, inability to stop talking, and many more odd quirks, I survived. Of course I would have liked to survive at a higher standard of living than I did, but such is life. Life as a man who can boldly claim to be "financially amazing!"

Note: Just in case you were wondering if I were financially amazing enough to loan you money, feel free to email me you bank account info as well as social security number, credit card number, PIN number, and any other financially amazing info you might have. I will then put the money into your account. Thank you.

The Thin Candy Shell

From what I can remember from a game of Trivial Pursuit some 5 years nose jobs are the most common form of plastic surgery. An alarming amount of young women are afraid that the Gonzo beak is going to drive away the men. Perhaps they are afraid of stabbing his eye out in a fit of passion. Personally I think noses are cool and we should wear them proudly. The intent of this piece is not to in any way write up some sort of well researched treatise on nose jobs. As far as I am concerned my research was done five years ago. I am really more interested in pointing out some of the problems with plastic surgery (I am not talking about reconstructive surgery for accident and burn victims).

It seems to me that a lot of these surgeries are performed so the patient will somehow look younger. With successful procedures, it is entirely possible. Of course there are plenty of failures in which a face is somehow turned inside out in a gruesome tribute to Joan Rivers. This is an obvious downside. On the other hand sometimes a "successful" surgery will be worse than looking like Fabio after he got hit in the face with a pigeon. It could be much worse.

In many cultures the elderly are honored. For some reason in this country we are horrified of having people think we are old. We lie about our age. Dye our hair. Tell people that 50 is the new 30, when in fact it is actually 50. We get mad when people say we are "old." So billions of dollars are spent fighting to create the illusion I call "The Thin Candy Shell." That is really what it is. Your age and experiences cannot be denied. Everyday you live is a gift and it cannot be returned. We try like hell, but to no avail.

It is my opinion that by creating the illusion of youth we are missing out on the best years of our lives. Of course there are downsides to being old, but is it really worse than middle school or high school? And does making people think you are younger actually help your life aside from personal vanity? I doubt it. One of the things I look forward to as I age is having people do stuff for me because I am old. No more heavy lifting. No more stooping to grab stuff. No more spending money at hip clubs. No more paying attention because I just turned my hearing aid off. That's right, when you are old you can choose to ignore people and totally get away with it. In my opinion this sounds OK.

My great grandma Effie Olson lived to be 104. I am 31, so I would say I knew her since she was in her mid 70's. She always looked old. She did what she wanted. And she could bake a mean lemon meringue pie. I am sure if you asked her she would have told you she was old. She didn't care and did not suffer fools. In the nursing home she got in trouble for fighting when she was 101...Life in the old lane can be pretty cool. It should be enjoyed.

If you go through life trying to be something your not, you will never be satisfied. There is no way to reverse the clock, so pumping botox into your face until it is stretched tighter than a snare drum is a bad way to go. Not that I think we should throw our looks away, but there are limits. The most effective way to keep your looks is to exercise and eat healthy. Make it one KFC Double Down instead of two. Instead of drinking 5 margaritas make it 4 and split the last one with a friend. Don't try and create a thin candy shell, just be yourself. I think you will find that people actually like you more when you are honest. Sincerely The Buzzman

Wanna make a bet?

Gambling and sports. Two of the things which interest me the least. Then why did you decide to write about it you ask? Because crime and conspiracy have always interested me a lot. Well how do gambling and sports connect to crime and conspiracy? Easy, money is always connected to crime and conspiracy, so obviously so are sports and gambling.

My main theory in this arena (pun intended) is that a lot more sporting events are rigged than the public would like to believe. With billions of dollars to be gained, of course the games get fixed. When I talk to people about this I am often told that they wouldn't get rigged because the players are "playing to win", but if you have players walking out on $300 million dollar contracts, I think they might be interested in money too.

Now, the point of this piece is not to prove that the Superbowl has been rigged. I am pretty sure that it has been. My opinion is that the 1919 Black Socks world series scandal is not the most famous rigged event in our countries history, rather the most famous for getting caught. So personally I am assuming that there is fixing going on. It is human nature.

Really what I am after is finding the guy who is doing the fixing so I will know who to bet on. If I did I would get addicted to gambling as quickly as possible. This is what I have been thinking about, I apologize that it is not funny. Buzzsaw

She's got a good thing going!

This weeks caption contest winner bio!

The story I am about to tell is one of bravery and grit, a story of one womans fight for the freedom of all house cats. The story of Rebecca!

Rebecca was born Julia Roberts to her parents, Robert and Roberta in Bowling Green Kentucky on July 4th 1476. They gave her the name Julia because they thought that Roberta Roberts Jr, was a truly horrid name. As a young girl Julia Roberts was actively involved in her community as a member of Chamber of Commerce and the Daughters of The American Revolution. As a young girl she was quite interested in science and computers, and luckily for the town of Bowling Green she did not mind setting up the internet in the town hall. It has been rumored that she even set up our first president George Washington's first facebook profile! This was when he was going as ByGeorge34527, which was a profile he kept up until his death at Mount Vernon in 2004.

As a the only female member of the Boy Scouts she was also the first female to earn her Eagle Scout award. To this day it hangs from the rear view mirror of her Toyota Prius, which she bought after winning a poker tournament at Diamond Lil's Cardroom in Lynwood WA. Julia is married to a man known only as "Art Garfunkel" who is an artist. His hobbies include online games such as Farmville and Sorority Life. He is said to be extremely handsome and his nose aquiline.

I have been lucky enough to have spent many hours with Julia Roberts volunteering at the local blood banks and libraries. We do this because we are in fact two of the best people in the world. Bar none. That is except for Art Garfunkel and the kids, Jody Foster and Stephen Foster. These two are a true blessing. Jody has taken after her mother working with computers and saving lives, while Stephen Foster is a moron. Jody says that he gets it from his fathers fishing hat, which everyone knows is a dunce.

Last week while we were donating large sums of money to several local and international charities I asked Julia what her plans were. She told me that she was considering running for the Nobel Prize for Hotness, since she is extremely hot. It seemed like a very sound idea, so when she suggested that I also run, I quickly agreed. it would be my chance to really show the world what I was all about, it would be my chance to shine. Julia Roberts you are an extremely gifted person. I love your caption. I love your work in Africa and New Hampshire (she founded the New Hampshire home for the Geriatric and Crazy in 1798). I think you are a babe and a catch. If not for your undying love for Art Garfunkel, your svelte husband, I would make a play. Not that I have a chance against Art anyway, but I would hate myself if I did not try! Julia Roberts you are a sweet sweet southern belle. Goodnight. Your man, Buzzsaw