If you were smarter...

If you were only slightly smarter, better looking, and witty, you too might have won my caption contest! Ha! But your not! And to be open and honest, neither am I. In fact I entered two times, and even though I am completely corrupt, I still did not award myself the prize. The prize goes to a certain person named Pauline! Yes that's right Pauline. Did I stutter? I did not think so. I am sure you will get all whiny and upset that your comment which was not even a caption did not win. I don't care. Pauline did it better, and I am making an educated guess, but I bet she could do it again.

Not that we are slouches, but she is just very very good at what she does. Now to be fair, she has worked as a professional "caption artist" for the Detroit Sun since her graduation from Michigan State in 1997, does that make my contest unfair? No! Never once did I say that it was limited to amateurs, it just so happens that a professional won. But let me get to my prize, the winner of my contest gets a personal biography written by yours truly. So here you go Pauline:

Pauline. Born with no last name. Raised with no last name. To this day she is known simply as Pauline. Pauline or "EagleHair". The second is her "hippie" name. It was given to her during a drum circle at a Phish concert in Vermont. She was playing a tattoo on a djembe which was so spiritual, so moving, so earthy, that a large shaman had a vision. It was something about how WalMart was trying to control the world by selling Otter Pops at rock bottom prices. Somehow he realized that she would be called "EagleHair". In general, as a policy, I just call her EagleHair. It is as beautiful as she is!

I mentioned that she worked writing captions in Detroit. This is the good job. She used to work in a bank. Not at one of the good jobs, where you get a desk and stuff. No, Pauline was an ATM monkey, which meant long hours curled up inside the ATM reading cards and sending money out the little slot which was so hard to see. The reason she got that job was not because she was evil and needed to be punished, no, it is because Pauline is an orphan, and what many people don't know is that the Carter Administration developed a bill called "The Orphan order" which dictated that orphans would work the ATM circuit in exchange for the federal money they receive, some kind of FDIC thing I believe.

Pauline is a firebrand most certainly. Her hobbies include photography, and archery. As a concept artist she is unmatched. One of her pieces "Tickin' Like a Time Bomb" won a prize. In this piece her boyfriend Lucas Dimitri got into a clock suit with a time bomb attached and Pauline standing 100 yards away, disarmed the bomb using only her bow and arrows. It was the talk of Detroit for several days, which might have something to do with the fact that she was arrested for her art, charged with a felony and sentenced to life in prison. She broke out. Not a problem for her. When the authorities found her, living with impunity in her own house, under her own name, they just caved. She never even looked up from her settee where she was filing her nails. The fuzz just looked at her and gave up.

Pauline is a Capricorn. Of course she does not believe the mumbo jumbo about horoscopes. People always act like they know what "sign" she is by the way she acts, then they ask what her sign is. She thinks this is ridiculous. If they really knew they should not have to ask what her sign is.

A humanitarian, Pauline has actually surpassed Bono as the worlds biggest fundraiser. this is because Bono just has yellow glasses, Pauline is actually a legit orphan. Sadly it is also why she brings bags when she eats at buffets, to her credit though she does share much of her bounty with Trevor her pet basset hound. He is a great hound. Born in the hills of Tennessee and brought to Detroit in the back of a Toyota Previa. He is housebroken, naturally, he also has a svelte, sexy figure. What a man. What a guy. Thank you Trevor for your entry, you sexy beast. I love you. If I were not a man I would ask you to marry me Trevor. I love your eyes. I think they are beautiful. in fact I have to admit, I really love your laugh! Trevor, be my Valentine! Buzzsaw!

Feeling horny after Thanksgiving...

Feeling Horny after Thanksgiving - m4w - 29 (Seattle)

---

Date: 2010-11-27, 12:40AM PST

Lol, i am alone again.
Feeling so horny, if you are up and interested in talking, i am all game.
I hope you wont mind my accent, i am originally from india.

Let me tell you folks, I had a fun time with old friends last night. Thusly I am giving you one of the most succinct BS Reports ever. When I saw this post I was not expecting it to be that great. There are a lot of things out there in Craigslist land, and now it takes a lot to impress me. This one is great from start to finish. Lol. Right from the get go you see that this guy has a sense of humor. I also like that it was posted at 12:40 am as well. "If you are up and interested..." This phrase gives the impression that he is a veteran of the old Craigslist sex game. In short, this posting speaks for itself. I am going to eat a turkey sandwich in the bathtub. I will also be watching a live bootleg Kenny G video I stole from my friend.

Buzzsaw signing off

PS-I woke up with my pants on inside out and backwards this morning. Just thought I would share that with the world, or all 7 of my readers. Also I do a really good Indian accent, which for some crazy reason the women just love.

Hey, it turns out there are people more creepy than me! Wahoo!

Sometimes YOU just need a place to get away from it - mw4w - 55 (Tacoma)

We are seeking female companionship. YES, do you just want to get away from all the crap?
Are you looking for a place that you could come and visit or hang out in the afternoon or weekends?
SHE is a larger BBW over age 60 and HE is average hwp. We are only friends that would like a woman to become close to.
Do you want to have a lite dinner such as turkey,pizza a wine cooler and just talk or play cards?
What is going on in your life? Are you a young woman that is tired of the bars and guys?
Please reply with a pic, age and first name.

Dear readers, I was looking on craigslist in order to try and find a posting which would inspire me to new lows. Little did I expect to find this. It is the hope diamond of platonic friendship ads. It screams serial killer in a way that the other serial killers posting online have managed to hide when luring their victims to the lair. "YES, Do you want to get away..." Dah! It yells at you then makes it seem like it is offering an escape. I have no idea who would want to visit these people, but it appears that they really don't care. They only require that she be a female. "SHE" is grossly obese and over age 60. "HE" is average and extremely creepy. I am sure that a lot of people would love to meet these two (there were pictures, but  had a problem uploading). Of course the offer of a "lite dinner" such as "turkey, pizza a
wine cooler and just talk and play cards?" This is something we can all agree upon. Well I am going to leave the rest of this piece up to the reader to interpret. Just so you know, this posting terrified me. I was so scared I bought a wig and put on makeup before taking a picture to e-mail them, they said they had a two cheese pizza from Little Cesar's, so I must say, goodbye, Miss Buzzsaw the sexy one!

A Poem for a Twi-Hard Thanksgiving

Sexiest

As far

as I'm

concerned,

 R-Pat is

the sexiest

guy out there.

I

told

my husband

to

watch out for

fang marks

on my neck

(I hope :)

My husband is

first, then

"Edward".

He is tall,

handsome,

and seems

to be awfully

nice.

He can

drive my

sports car

any day!!

ShowBiz!

I think I really got into the entertainment business at a very young age. I must have been 4 when I was entered into my first talent show. It was a church function, and to this day I don't remember practicing for it or writing our skit. It does not matter, my sister Annika and I somehow managed to blow the minds of all in attendance. It seems strange that we would be allowed to create an entry into the church talent show without any kind of help from our parents, but if they were involved it was very minimally. I say this because what I remember is essentially making up a skit live onstage.

What our skit involved was a two person baseball game. We were using an old chair leg for a bat and a wadded up piece of paper for a ball. Who the first pitcher was I can't remember, but what I do remember was that the whole plot of the skit was that the bases kept changing. Also there were like 19 of them. The way it went down is that we somehow played this game, all the while talking in really weird voices, and somehow we managed to get through an inning or two without getting kicked off the stage. I have memories of the sound of laughter, and I remember loving it. Of course it might not have been as riotous as I recall, but lets just imagine that the whole idea was hilarious. Also we were wearing pajamas, so I am sure we looked funny too. And of course I was fully convinced that the whole game was real and that I was in a real baseball stadium. Just for the record, I had not heard Abbott and Costello and Calvin and Hobbes had not been written yet, so I feel safe to say that my first skit was original.

I became a professional musician at the age of 19. I had just started playing the guitar and harmonica so to become professional so early was quite shocking! My family was on a trip to San Diego at Christmas time, so I brought my instruments, knowing I would find it inspiring. There was not a lot of time to play but one evening I found myself playing quietly on a bench looking out on the sea from the top of a cliff at sunset. Because I was on a pedestrian path and I knew there were people around I was trying really hard not too play very loud. Though I was a young musician I was under no delusion that I was very good at playing, so I was trying to experience the scenery without ruining anyone else's experience as well. I think I had been there all of 5 minutes when suddenly I felt something hard strike my head. I heard the ringing of metal and I whipped around to see what it was. I saw a quarter spinning to stop on the ground but no one was in sight. Then I looked further over my left shoulder and more than 30 feet away a kid was standing on a balcony. "Sorry" he said as he sprinted into the hotel room. It was a funny way to become a professional, but ever since that day I have told people I am a professional musician.

My days as a radio DJ were a product of many years of just generally strange behavior. When I was 15 our youth leader Larry decided to take us to a mountain top so we could see the sunrise on an Easter morning. We made it to the mountain top. Unfortunately all of us fell asleep, including our leaders, and we missed sunrise. So we found ourselves back at Larry's house sitting around eating barbecue chicken while he showered before church (we did not care about that I am sure).

My friend Jason and I grew bored so it was decided that I would prank call his neighbors who were Mormon. Of course as usual I did not have a plan. So I quickly conjured up the voice I thought the Easter Bunny might have and when he answered said this "Hellooooo, this is the Easter Bunny!" at which point he started laughing fairly hard. "Who is this" He chuckled "Hellloooooo this is the Eeeeaster Bunnyyy!, I have a question for yoooou! If you are correct you win a basket FULL of eggs!" From what I can recall at this point both Jason and the man on the other end of the line were in hysterics. When he regained control enough to ask what the question was I asked him the average rainfall in the Amazon jungle. I knew I would have to do something difficult since I had neither Easter basket full of eggs, nor money with which to buy one. Needless to say, whatever number he gave me, I told him something else. I said goodbye, then I was able to join Jason in hysterics. At this point Larry came down the stairs and was wondering what in the world was so funny. I am sure that he never fully appreciated it at all. Anyway, I have many more examples of my showbiz past, all of which are very much underground and hip. Trust me! Buzzsaw

The questions keep coming!

Dear Mr Barnes, We have become aware that you are using the term “Twidentified.” In doing so you are compromising the integrity of our firm and our products. As the producers of the Twilight saga we feel that it is vital to ask you to cease and desist from use of this word. Though we do not own this word itself we own the prefix “twi” and all words containing this prefix.  We want you to realize how serious we are so the following are an actual list of other groups and organizations we have filed similar actions against: Twimoms of Kentucky (multi million dollar settlement in our favor), twilovers of Asia (cease and desist as well as flogging of founders Yee Lin and Sue Young), and the MidWest Twi-teens Special Olympics fundraising club (multi-million dollar settlement and published letter of apology). In short we mean business and do not intend to let your little song and dance routine go unpunished. If you intend to continue in your impudent ways, rest assured you will have lawyers all over you like Asians at Disneyland. If you know what is good for you get out before we kill you.

Best regards, Al Goldstein VP Summit Entertainment CO

Dear Al, I have deleted my facebook account and taken my website offline, what else do I need to do? Best Regards, Buzzsaw

Darling Buzzard, I really like this nickname, do you mind if I use it? I found you via the internet and I am very glad I did. You see I am a wealthy woman and I am interested in collaborating with you. In particular I would like to make a mask with your face on it. You might be aware that there is nowhere to buy an “Edward” mask and if we make one of your face it will be the next best thing. I am sure it would not sell much in the US but since Asians love Twilight I think that we could do well in that market. It turns out that Asian men even like to read Twilight! Perhaps that is because of the language barrier. Anyway, hey, let’s make a mask with your face. Also I want you to copyright your face as well. It would be very good business. Ta ta, Silvia

Dear Silvia, that is really weird. If you have the money I’ve got the time. At the same time, I am having trouble understanding how I would copyright my face, but if it makes sense to you it makes sense to me. Also if you have this much money why don’t you go to www.edwardsinforks.smugmug.com and buy some pictures, I could really use the money! Love always Buzzard

Hi. I am in love with you. And not because of your looks. That does come into play though. Actually I am in love with you because of your role in the Twilight Saga. Signed Dee Dee in Fiji

Dear Dee Dee, thanks, did you like my work? I really appreciate it. If you want to give me a call, I will e-mail you my number. Call  me anytime, seriously. Ian Barnes

Dearest Blizzard, did you know that you are soo much sexy man? I attraction everyday with man like this! So much sexxxy is good! You know I from Lebenon! Many girl love you face works, looks so nice/good. Please love me to be you girlfriend? I hope so. If no Maybe suicide. JK Hahahahahaha! Lovely, Marika

Dear Marika, please seek professional help. Best Regards, Blizzard

Dear Buzzsaw, hard hitting questions, answers that count!

Dear Buzzsaw I have recently become interested in hypnotism, I also like creating characters for World of Warcraft. Do you have any interesting hobbies? Toni in Duluth

Dear Toni, I am happy to hear that you are contributing to society. I have a lot of experience with hypnotism, since I grew up next door to Madame Larina, the best hypnotist in Bellevue WA. During the years I lived next to her I saw many examples of hypnotism, from the cat who thought he was Edgar Allan Poe, to the fat man who thought he was Marylin Monroe (Norma Jean really). As far as WOW, I am a level 6 warrior with a level 7 spells certification. My hobbies include dancing (hip hop and swing), scrapbooking, and luge. I don’t get to luge much because it is not cold enough here, I am sure you know how that goes. Thanks for your question, I am currently in the bathtub. Love Buzzsaw

Hey Buzzsaw, with all these girls after you, do you find it hard to relax? If yes, what do you do to relax? Sean from London

Hi there Sean. Actually it may seem like a lot of girls are after me, but really they mostly just watch me and don’t actually talk to me. Believe it or not I won tickets to a concert a month ago and I had to go alone because I could not find anyone to go with! That said I do find it hard to relax. I have gone paranoid of being out in public because I keep getting Twidentified and I never know when it will happen! In order to relax I like to play Jenga. I also have a very large estate on Farmville. So if you get the chance to send me some corn or hay, I would love it! By the way, I have been meaning to ask you if your brother Dean is still planning on climbing Mt Everest? Sincerely Buzz

Hey Mr, my dad said that you were unemployable, which is why you don’t have a job. Have you ever considered working at Outback Steakhouse? Love Sara

Dear Sara, your father sounds like a nice guy! Tell him that I have grown accustomed to the hoboe lifestyle and due to my minuscule expense account I have been able to hang around without working. So in short, yes, I am not accustomed to working, I will have to ramp up slowly if I get a job because I don’t want to get hurt. As far as the Outback, no. It sounds awful.  Love Buzz

Hi there, you might not know me, that is because I stalk you on the internet and I am too scared to say anything to you. You know, I think I am in love with you. If I had the chance to meet you, you would get groped for sure. How does that make you feel. By the way, I am a married woman. Sexy Cindy from Syracuse

Hello Sexy Cindy. I must say I am flattered by your interest in me. In fact I am so flattered that I have installed an alarm and a motion detector light on my house. I am sure you are aware of the fact that I do not have a house, it is really a bungalow. If I told you where it was I would be crazy, so I will just say this, it is really dirty. And cold. Anyway, I have to say that you are creeping me out. In a good way. However the fact that you admit to being married is not something that makes me excited to meet you. I have yet to be shot by a jealous lover, and with all the people in this world I should hope I could meet a crazy single girl just as easily as meeting a crazy married woman. So I would greatly appreciate it if you stayed the hell away from me at least as long as you are married. Bye, Ian

Dear Buzzsaw, what do think about globalization? Scott

Dear Scott, this is a difficult question. You see I am not quite sure what globalization is. It is in a long list of things such as the Federal Reserve which I am not able to figure out. I have been too busy trying to be funny to actually contribute to society in a way that will actually help anyone. You might say I am sort of a kook. Anyway, if you do figure it out would you please let me know? I hate not knowing answers to readers questions. Yours eternally, Buzzsaw

Hey, my name is Liz. I am very attracted to you. I have to say that I am not like the others. I like you because your nickname is Dick. Or one of them. The reason I like this is because I am a huge pervert and “Dick” is a slang term for “penis”, so that is why I like you. Do you have one of those? Sorry for all the questions. But I am devoted to finding out the answer to this question. I love you, Dick. And yes I know that your main nickname is Buzzsaw, but you also have the nickname Dick, which no one really uses, but I noticed right away. Also I have read all your blogs. I don’t really like them I just like your nickname. Love you. Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Hi Liz. I appreciate that you have noticed the D-Patz (Dick Pattinson) nickname. I find it unique that you like me for this reason. You did not tell me where you lived, but if you are ever in Seattle we will have to get together for coffee. Sincerely D-Patz PS-You are a kick! Seriously!

Hi Buzzsaw, do you remember me? I saw you in Forks but I never talked to you because you looked like Robert Pattinson. I am in love with him. It is because of this that I am trying to find him. I think that if he meets me I will probably be able to win his heart. In know that at the age of 48 I am a little older than he is, but what I can offer him is experience. You see that older women have experience as lovers, so we have a lot to bring to the table. Anyway, if you meet him will you slip one of the pills I mailed you into his drink. Of course I will take it from there, and thank you. Sincerely Dena the huntress

Hi Dena. You have a very interesting story! I would love to help you with your project. Anyway, do you still have the same phone number that you mailed me? I might have some questions for you in the future. Love Buzzsaw PS-I took one of those pills, it was the best nights sleep I have ever had!

Dear Buzzsaw, I am currently writing a story that recreates Twilight using plankton and cellular biology as characters instead of people! I bet you will really like it! Sincerely, FanficforeverMichelleCullen

Dear Fanfic, it sounds really cool! Let me know when you finish! What a sweet concept. I have always been searching for a way to marry my interest in science with that of pop culture vampire romance, it sounds like you did it! You go girl! Love Buzzard

Dear Sir. I am sure you are aware that you owe us money for the cosmetic surgery that you received from our clinic in December 2008. If you do not pay us, we will be forced to expose you as a fraud. I am sure your fans would be very interested to find out that you are actually a black woman obsessed with Robert Pattinson. We have seen that you are gaining an impressive following online, please do not force us to publish before and after picture (as well as tell people that your real name is Chantelle Tyson), so please send us the balance of $45,978 and we will let you continue in your delusion. Dr Peter Facinelli, Seattle Cosmetic Surgery Clinic, Seattle WA

Dear Dr, I sent you a check last week. You did not get it? Please call me and I will be sure to get this little snafoo straightened out. Chantelle

Ask Buzzsaw! Questions from Around the World!

Dear Buzzsaw/Buzzman I have been a long time fan of yours and I wanted to ask you a sort of personal question. Is that OK? Samantha  in Sydney

Dear Sam, of course it is OK, especially if it is deeply personal. Actually I am kidding, please don’t ask me any questions. Kidding again. It is OK, but remember my mother prereads all of my fan mail so if you do not want me involved in a long awkward convo with my madre, please keep it somewhat decent. By decent I mean anything that will not start a conversation with mom about when I am going to settle down and start breeding. Lastly, I love that you wrote me a question asking if you could ask a question. In closing, Samantha, you can feel free to ask questions anytime you want. I just might not answer them honestly. Especially if they involve money. Love ya, Buzzard

Dear D-Patz why do they call you D-Patz?  Russell C.

Dear Russell C, It is because as Robert Parkinson's fake older brother Richie, I could not use the moniker R-Patz (he already uses it!), also my actual fake story involved going into the witness protection program and a full separation of the Pattinson clan. In short D-Patz stands for Dick Pattinson, my fake abbreviated name. Thanks for asking! Hacksaw

Dear moron, let me out of the locked roof top box. I promise I will not attempt to grope your fans. That is unless they want me to. And I know they do. So let me out you little ninney. I hate you. Signed Dr HS Twilight, best regards.

Dear Dr. Twilight, after the stunts you pulled in Baton Rouge you are permanently on probation. I am currently in the process of working with our defense attorney to try and get them to drop the trespassing and assault charges you have managed to get me involved in during your attempted break-in to the Celtic Studio lot. If I could afford to let you run amuck I would have to be very rich. Sadly for you, I am very poor. So suffer you evil little man! Buzzsaw The Great!

Dear kind sir, my friend had a question to ask you but she is really shy. She wants to know if you would ever be interested in dating a goth, and why or why not? If it is not too much trouble, would you dress as a goth and post the pic? She would love it! Love always Cat!

Hey Cat, you are a really good friend. I am guessing your friend is not a mouse either! Ha! You might be surprised but this is a question I have heard several times this week alone! It seems like I might have a strong gothic following. I really do appreciate the gothic lifestyle, but to tell you the truth Cat, I am not really into heavy make-up and the color black. You see I really like cowgirls and sexy librarians. And for some reason I don’t think I could relax with a goth as a girlfriend. There is just something about going to all that trouble to get dressed and made-up which makes me believe that I would not be a very good goth man. I am really lazy Cat. I am more like a hippie than a goth. All truth be told, since I am not in love, I could actually meet and fall in love with a goth some day, but I have no idea! In the future, I might become a goth! I highly doubt it though! Rock on industrially Cat. Rock on. Buzzsaw PS-Sorry Cat, but it is too much trouble!

Dear Buzzsaw I have been curious for a while, are you a gay? Tom Tom in Philly

Dear Tom Tom, Thanks for asking. My mother wonders the same thing. But as far as I can tell no. Love your Cuz Buzz PS-I am 85-95% sure I am a flaming heterosexual!

Dear Buzzsaw, can you believe that you have to pay for snacks on airplanes now? Marty Stuart

Dear Marty Stuart, I find it kind of shocking that I can take a 4 ½ hour flight and not even get a pack of peanuts. If I was not so disgustingly cheap I would have bought some kind of jerky before I got into this tin can. Unfortunately I am now digesting my stomach lining because I am so hungry. What a pain! Blizzard PS-Marty I loved your mullet in the '80's!

Dear Buzzman, don’t take this the wrong way, but I think you have a big ego. That is why you are trying to be Edward. You even try to tell people that you look like him too. You really just look like Paul Rudd. Duh! Anyway, my friend thinks your hot, but I like your photographer more. He is cute. By the way I am a man. Jane Volterra

Dear Jane Volterra, I love you. Will you marry me? Scuzzsaw

One way ticket to "Pleasuretown!"

Though I did not know before “Pleasuretown” is not very far away. Upon arrival in Dallas/Fort Worth Int. Airport I found the gateway. A casual observer might feel that the oversize Cowboy’s Cheerleaders calendar in the Dallas Cowboy’s team shop were “Pleasuretown”, alas, it is not so. Some might think that TGI Fridays is “Pleasuretown”, but no. Sue Venir’s gift shop brings a gleam to my eye, but yet “Pleasuretown” is not there! I found the gateway to “Pleasuretown” next to “Ropin Ridin” gifts. It is Auntie Ann’s Pretzel shop.

Previous to this encounter I had always had a sick fascination with the fact this organization was still in business. I see now I was wrong to dismiss the pretzel slinging broad as a fad from the ‘80’s. They are selling one way tickets to “Pleasuretown” in the form of a pretzel wrapped hotdog. It looks unassuming. Unpretentious. Yet the alluring voice of “Pleasuretown” is an unmistakable Siren’s song.  Though still full from breakfast I am considering the purchase of my own one way ticket.

To be totally frank (pun intended), I have never purchased anything from Auntie Anne. She has her fingerprints all over it seems. She was in Las Vegas at the Stratosphere sky mall. She is in Seattle. Who eats there? In all my life I don’t recall anyone talking about my aunt Anne. I have an Aunt Jan, but she is not a pretzel maker. It has been several minutes since I have been sitting here watching, but it seems that no one is buying tickets to “Pleasuretown.” I see a man adjusting his luggage, obviously he has pleasure enough in his life. From what I can tell from my seat Auntie Anne’s has two types of “Pleasuretown”, one is salty, the other sweet.

 [I just relocated because two tickets to “P-Town” were purchased, though neither was a pretzel dog.]

Even with the recent pleasure trip, I have a hard time believing that Auntie Anne’s is a destination. It seems more likely that the tickets to “Pleasuretown” are purchased by people in a hurry, who are out of options. Just a moment ago my flight was announced and we were informed that we could purchase a snack pre-flight if we wanted. Now that ticket is looking mighty fine indeed. Will I do it? I am right on the fence. I end this segment of my report to investigate pricing.

[I am now writing on my flight. I would have tried to research the tickets to “Pleasuretown” online, but unfortunately the internet costs $10]

Though I was teetering on the brink of indulging my senses with a one way ticket to “Pleasuretown”, I have managed to extricate myself from the airport without spending any money. The sight of the shriveled dogs, glistening in the pretzel wrapper was tempting yes. But the $3.69 price tag dissuaded me. That said, they give out samples at Auntie Anne’s and I believe I recall a time from yesteryear when I would eat of her bounty. Of course I was as cheap then as I am now and I doubt I bought anything. If I ever bought anything from a mall food court it was usually an Orange Julius, or perhaps a Cinabon.

These guilty pleasures are part of my suburban youth which I will never understand. I think I did stuff like go to the mall out of boredom. There are many times that I think the kids out in the country, with nothing to do but go down to the river, might have it better. At least you can’t spend money out in nature. Anyhow, this is about “Pleasuretown”, I almost forgot!

"Pleasuretown". The name is so sensual. It is so sleek. It makes me think of things like lazer tag, and licorice. Actually what it reminds me of is the Island in Pinnochio where all the boys played and frolicked, and in the end were turned into donkeys. The scene has always terrified me.  “Pleasuretown” reminds me of Las Vegas, which is a city without soul. A place where life is exchanged for “experience” and human endeavor is reduced to a combination of loud noises and airbrushed pictures.

If I end up working in Pleasuretown, I ask the world to put a bullet in my leg. Preferably a small bullet in my calf. Please avoid major veins and arteries if you may as well. I don’t want to sound weak hearted, I am going to be honest here and tell you, I am actually afraid of getting shot. It sounds just awful. Even so, I would still rather be wounded than make a living in Las Vegas, and I sure as hell don’t want a pleasure town weiner. Anyway, I think this is as far as I will be taking this one. See ya alligator! Buzzard

Note: Later during my flight the girl who had been sleeping next to me woke up and we began to talk. It turns out in Florida Auntie Anne’s pretzels are very popular. It is also ironic that her uncle owns a lot of them. She was on her way to meet her dad for the first time. We were both relieved that the other was also a jobless drifter.

Y'all, I am country now!

During the course of my current travels I have been able to enjoy a lot of music. From the French quarter of New Orleans to the bars of Austin. We heard some showy tunes in Vegas, but that city really has no soul. We were only in Houston long enough to spend 58 hours inside the space museum, but unfortunately there was no moon rock. Only copious Boy Scouts. I would have loved to play but I was trying to escape to get here. Austin. This place is my home, I am very much set upon moving here. But a tentative goal for relocation is not what I want to speculate upon, I want to talk about country music.

When it comes to hating music it is important to pick your battles. Many kinds of music are not worth hating. It seems that I hear a lot of people talking a line of bull jive about Justin Bieber. This is sort of pointless. First off he is just a kid. A talented kid. and an adult spending time trying to dissuade his fanbase from adoring him will not happen. I would rather spend time talking about artists I hate who are popular and critically acclaimed. For instance Sting. I find him obnoxious. Dave Mathews. His voice sounds like a strangled chimp/braying donkey. Phish. They don't even write their own lyrics and they are still terrible. If you are that famous and rich it makes sense to pay someone to write decent lyrics. Tom T Hall is still alive, they should hire him. Speaking of Tom T, I want to talk about country music.

I have avoided mainstream country music fairly successfully for the past 16 years or so. Of note is the month I worked at AA Auto in Redmond WA with the guy obsessed with pop-country. I also worked making boat davits with a guy named Swivelhips. He tried to convince me that Taylor Swift was singing country music. Short answer, she isn't. I don't hate her, but what she is singing is pop-rock. In fact much of the mainstream country music is pop rock. I was eating a complimentary breakfast in Baton Rouge and Keith Urban was on TV. a black man filling his coffee said "That ain't country", all I could do was nod in agreement.

One night between Amarillo and Forth Worth Lando decided to listen to the country station. What we heard was hilarious. Between songs that declared with bombast how "country" the singer was and the songs that name drop beer and liquor brands, we heard a true gem. It was a song about getting a party barge, assorted beers and liquors, and how "country" the singer was. The funny thing is that the arrangements are so infused with butt-rock drums and metal guitars that other than a public declaration of "being country" they do not sound country. I find it fairly pathetic that the "country" singers are starting to sound like bad rappers. The similarities are striking. For instance bad rappers often talk about how "gangsta" they are. They also tend to name drop liquor brands. It makes me want to write pop-country hits and I think I have a recipe.

First I will go to WalMart. I will bring a notepad and keep a log of the most common purchases. If anyone asks what I am doing, I will tell them how "country" I am. For instance, I'm so country when I run out of chew, I steal it from my sister, who is also my aunt. It is important for radio hits to hit a broad range of people. So if I sing about meeting a girl at the Waffle House after a night of partying, then going to Walmart, and how country I am, a lot of people will identify. I don't know if you knew this, but I am really country. So country in fact that I love NASCAR. By the way, I am super country. Also, while I am doing various "country" activities such as drinking, I like to try and meet girls who are also really country.

I guess the similarities between pop rap and pop country are not surprising. First of all as far as I know white kids buy more rap than any other demographic. I have spent a lot of time in small country towns and I can attest that the locals are often very into rap and pop country. I remember one evening in Forks when the radio was set on an awful butt rock station. It was so bad that at least 12 people requested it to be changed. Unfortunately a local Forker had picked the station. I found it odd that the out of towners were the ones requesting Waylon Jennings. The local was incensed that we would want to listen to him. I was incensed that we were in an awesome country roadhouse, in a cool country town, surrounded by hard working country people, and we could not listen to classic country. It was depressing. and I am so country that when I want fine dining I go to Sizzler.

Just some of the artists I despise are: Toby Keith, Brooks and Dunn, Toby Keith, Sugarland, Rascal Flatts, Toby Keith, and many others. The reason I listen to country music is the same one Ray Charles gave. The stories. Folk and country music has a long tradition of story telling. Folk music used to be the way people got the news back in the day. Also minstrels would brag about how much mead they could drink and how big of a serf they were. Also all the damsels they would bed. I am so country that when I go to the city people say "Dang, that guy is COUNTRY!"

One of the reasons that pop country is so bad is the production. Of course most of the lyrics are completely vacuous, but the arrangements are obnoxious too. If you were wondering why pop country sounds like mid '80's arena rock, it is because of the producers. Mutt Lange was a butt rocker who moved to Nashville to produce, a lot of other butt rockers moved too. Now pop country sounds like butt rock except for the guy with the over emphasized drawl talking about how country he is. did you remember that I am hella country? You bet your boots! And I like to drink beer! Ha! BEER! Country1 Country girls! WalMart! Trucks! Naked lady mud flaps!

In closing I am really, really country. Buzzsaw.

Musings of a hostage...The Italian Space Stallion!

It has been a wonderful trip. I have seen places I would have never seen. But I think things have gotten out of hand! My current location is the food court of the Kennedy Space Center museum. I from where I am seated I can see the "Blast off Bistro" "South of the Martian Border." If I get up I can see "Moon Wok" "Launch Foods" and at the very end, "Italian Bistro." The "Italian Bistro" saddens me because it seems like a little lost sheep on the end. All the other places are cleverly titled with puns while sad little I.B. is forgotten. They should have just called it "The Rocketino", "The Flying Meatball!"  or better yet, "The Italian Space Stallion". It is a decent food court, as food courts go. If I were to buy anything, which I am not it would be from the "Moon Wok." Since I am extremely poor, I am going to have to be content with smelling the food.

Don't get me wrong, I love space. I even like rocket ships. Unfortunately I am not interested in flight simulators and I already looked at all the space suits. In fact I am more interested paying my Verizon phone bill (I just received a phone call from them, I will continue writing while trying to evade my bill)! Anyone who has attempted to call me since June will understand that there is really no reason I should pay that bill. My phone does not even ring except when a bill collector or my mother calls. Even with the ringer volume turned up so loud that it is distorting, I still do not hear my phone. In order to receive a phone call I have to hold my phone and stare at it until it lights up from an incoming call. For this reason I have stopped even trying to answer the phone. But that is not the worst part of my problems with Verizon wireless...

When I got my "smart" phone, a Druid Arris it was out of an immediate need for a new phone. I was moving out of my house, recording an album, welding a gate, among other things. This was in June as Lando and I were getting ready to embark on the odyssey which included a trip to the Twilight Eclipse premier and a summer in Forks WA. While I was up at my friend Shenny's house working on the album and gate I lost my phone charger. I was without a phone for two days which was terrible. I had been trying to organize musicians, the bank, and "concerned" family members, so I needed that damn phone. I decided that I might as well just upgrade to a "smart" phone. [I interrupt this piece to watch The Combustion Show!  One of the things I am most interested in]

The switch was problematic from the start. At the first Verizon store I went to I was informed that I would have to pay full retail price for a new phone. It was so frustrating that I walked out. It was only when I went to the Southcenter mall that I got

 [I tried to tell my Verizon story only because a bill collector called while I was attempting to write about this food court, but the alarming number of Boy Scouts and the volume of the Combustion Show have thwarted any progress I make. I am ashamed that I did not mention the fact that they have "Solar Salads" and the "Zero G Cafe" as well. Our Australian kidnapper is now waiting on the trolley for the 12:00 tour. So I must end this account. "Go heat, fuel, oxygen! This is what I am hearing. Boom. And Lando just walked around the corner with a jumbo pretzel. The combustion show just ended. "Go Heat, fuel, Oxygen!" Yay! I apologize to the world for this. Buzzsaw.

Note: The Verizon debacle involves 5 stores from The Northgate Mall to Santa Monica California. During the summer I had a "contacts list" which was copied from the internet by hand. This was done by a 15 year old Quielleute girl who was one of our interns. I apologize for not elaborating.

Watching TV!

I grew up without a TV. Yes, I am fully aware that it is weird. I was also homeschooled. Thusly, I have severe personality issues and phobias. I also lekrtj. [I actually did not. This was on my computer when I got back in from recording a Townes Van Zandt song on the 11th floor of the New Orleans Hilton].

I have no idea where I was going with that, but it is a decent segue into talking about cartoons. I love cartoons.The Gummy Bears. Darkwing Duck. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Scooby Doo. Mac & Me. The Flintstones. G.I. Joe. Transformers (More than meets the eye), and He-Man. He-Man is a gimme, She-Ra was Hawtt! The Smurfs were always slightly taboo growing up in a conservative christian home, but actually in our household television was considered the Adolf Hitler of household appliances. So, as a very young child I became totally enthralled by cartoons. I thought it was the most beautiful way to tell a story that had ever been invented. Especially while watching Thundercats, and many more. So, I am writing this piece tonight in celebration of the best thing on earth besides harmonicas. Cartoons.

Let's start with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Right out of the gate. Pizza. What bad thing can be said about a mutant reptile that lives off the 'za! Katana's, nunchukas, bo-staves, and some other Japanese weapon I forget. So tight. Also sick. Bray, the turt's bro! Lastly, the villians were great. Krang. Shredder. Rock Steady, and Be Bop. And all of my readers should also try to find Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the live, anti-drug musical. The words "stirring" and "awe inspiring" are insuficient to describe a fraction of how good it is.

Back to the action! I like hand drawn cartoons. The olde schoole. There is something soulful about hand drawn art. Painted. Inked. Not to mention voicing, writing, and producing. Of course we all know that a lot of cartoons a racist as hell, but live action can be too! Just be cause the "Red men" say things like "Squaw, get-um firewood" does not negate the fact that the drawing beautiful. Perhaps the reason cartoons are used for propoganda is that it is so easy to make a grotesque charicature of someone. Sorry, I forgot, I was supposed to talk about cartoons I like. OK.

Inspector Gadget. How cool is it that you could have a vaccuum cleaner pop out of your sleeve. It would make cooking easy. A salad spinner would pop out of your hats at one simple phrase. "Go go gadget salad spinner!" Unfortunately, a lemon squeezer would emerge from your knickers, but that is notthe point. In the end the inspector always solved the case in the end!

I would love to tie this up in a nice tidy bunch. But I don't care. I like cartoons, I just don't like them enough to dress up like one as a hobby. Even for a fetish. I wouldn't even draw myself as an anime. Rather, I would like to voice act the part of Barry the Buffalo on Free Range Steers (I made this show up. It is not real). So, goodbye. Buzzflaw.

ps-I am not even going to spell ckehd this piec

Answering the challenge: Russellhood Reviewed!

Hi there! If you are wondering how I am doing, here is the update: I am not writing blogs because I am too busy playing open mic nights and blowing minds around Baton Rouge to fill your computer with BS! Also, since I don’t make any money out of this here report, I am unmotivated to do anything except sneak around film locations and carouse. Well, for those who read the announcement of the challenge between Dr HS Twilight and myself, I am giving you my half of the challenge, yes it is late, but I am not getting paid, so I don’t care! Here is my review of the latest “Robin Hood” movie:

Robin Hood: A long and boring tale. Ridley Scott’s Robin Hood is a stinking turd of a film. This utter waste of resources stars Russell Crowe and some other morons who must have been desperate for work. The movie starts in some damn place. Let’s say Palestine or Hungary. I don’t know, it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that the writer decided to ignore the fact that in the tales of Robin Hood he never went on a crusade. Well, after being a jackass, Russellhood meets “Little John.” I was trying to follow the movie but I did not realize that this bland buffoon was one of Russellhood’s “merry men.” His presence was useless and he did nothing. In the tales of Robin Hood, Little John and Robin met in Sherwood Forest while trying to cross a narrow bridge at the same time. They fought with bo-staffs. Little John proved to be both clever and brave, as did Robin. In this movie, it is not clear if these “characters” are either. Back to the boring story!

Somehow the King of England is killed, after chasing Russellhood away for some reason. This is important only to the crazy plot that involved political intrigue and lots of shots that involved the camera spinning around RussellHood. In fact it was so bad I will not even attempt to go further. Here are just a few of the offences committed in this movie:

To begin with Russellhood LIVES IN A HOUSE! What in the hell kind of Robin Hood does that! At least Kevin Costner lived in the woods! His movie sucked too, but he did have that part right. Another vulgar misuse of “folk lore” is that RussellHood DID NOT STEAL FROM THE RICH AND GIVE TO THE POOR! Of course in real life if there was such a man he probably did not either, but the point is that almost every single tale of Robin Hood involves some kind of trick, or a robbery. In a few they are foiled, and sometimes they increase the band of merry men, such as the case of Little John, but they are THIEVES, which is why it is cool in the first place. This movie is such a waste of time that I actually walked out before the last EPIC BATTLE SCENE! None of these things have anything to do with Robin Hood! I was literally flogging myself with a licorice whip in a vain attempt to deter the REM sleep that was closing in on me faster than a good day at church! I was so bored watching this sullen band (OF 5!) mope across the screen that I was considering trying to rob the movie theater in protest! Don’t get me wrong, Russelhood is not the worst possible Robin Hood, but even Sinbad would be better. But let us not forget a certain Ridley Scott!

A fact which really fires up my boiler is that Scott had the nerve to criticize other Robin Hood movies! He claimed that they were inaccurate. I don’t know about you but I am inspired. I will use the fact that I am in Louisiana to put a voodoo curse on Mr Scott so that he cannot get funding for anything but reality shows, though whatever he does is bound to be awful. This farce of a movie is not even worth watching for free, and I would rather be fed live scorpions than watch it again. All told I give this movie negative 50 stars. It is so bad that homeless people have walked out. It is so bad that I heard grown men crying and whimpering “make it stop” as I induced vomiting on the floor in order to purge myself of my contact with this disgrace of a film!

So for those of you wishing to see a good Robin Hood movie I suggest this: get the Disney version with the fox. It features the songs of Roger Miller and also shows you how to make a snorkel out of a reed. It is a damn good movie, and until a good version is made must suffice.  So burn in hell Ridley Scott, you stupid man! And Russelhood, may your career wither and fade like a cast member from The Real World (is that even a show anymore?)! Summary: Worst movie ever! Buzz

I intended to...

I had a great plan today. It entailed posting a Craigslist ad in Amarillo trying to find cool people to hang out with. It seemed like it would be a worthy adventure. Instead I find myself in Forth Worth, explaining why I did not achieve my other goal. Other goal? Yes, I also intended on writing an account of my adventures in Kumamoto Japan playing country music with Japanese cowboys. So instead of regaling you with stories about civil war rifles, parades, and the castle where the true last samurai battle occurred, I am going to resort to digging up some other whipping boys, and half-heartedly giving it a go.

I noticed that it is "Pirate day" on google. This seems odd, since "talk like a pirate" day is in September. I guess they did not google that. You can if you like, but that is up to you. Assuredly some of my dear readers are expecting me to tell the story of the worst rendition of the rated "arrrrh" pirate movie. You would be incorrect. Or perhaps you fancy that I speak about sea shanty sings which I have attended. It would be a shame to be that predictable. Instead I give you this:

Whistle While You Lurk (A stalkers guide to life)

It pains me when I hear people badmouthing stalkers. Somehow, a perfectly acceptable practice has been maligned due to misuse. I hear stories about rogue pizza delivery boys. Overzealous coffee buyers. There is also the occasional masked pervert. These are the proverbial "bad apples." These are the Rupert Murdoch's of life. They take normal activity and run amuck like teens at a sock hop, or a box social. What I am attempting to illumine, is this. Stalking is not a bad thing. It is we as humans meet people we do not know.

In order to win back the word "stalk" from the guy who works at IKEA. You know the guy,  he greets you at the front, and then sneaks all the way to the food stand by the time you get there. He ogles you, while brandishing Swedish meatballs in a lusty manner! And he knows your name. He is also your facebook friend, yet you don't know because he goes by Linda Pentington. For some reason she is commenting on all your family photos...OK you get the picture. This is creepy. But is that all that stalking can hold for you? I think not.

Many people get angry when I try to tell them that stalking is a neutral word and that it can be used for good. I still feel this is true, though I have never had anyone agree with me. It just seems that we stalk people on a regular basis. How would we meet people we never knew? And if we meet a stranger isn't is wise to try and find out information about them from other sources? It's not like bad people will tell you the truth about themselves all the time. I think that the same can be said for good people. They are not going to brag about their accomplishments if they have any modesty! We have to go up and talk to people we are interested in. Sometimes this means we do legwork in order to figure out who they are. Sometimes it means an online background check. Others private detectives and phone tapping...

Not really, but I hope you get the point. If my readers can prove to me that they have never stalked someone in life, I will probably ignore it as a lie. In fact I have had more than 5 people admit stalking me in the last week alone. It doesn't bother me. I know how to defend myself. And sometimes I would pretend to fight back, and then play dead. But that is unimportant. What matters is that we start trying to get the anti stalkers to quit blaming the creepy ups lady who brought you a jello salad at work, for the good people. A lot of married couples have stalked each other, and over 5% remain married today! So join me and Whistle While you Lurk!

Note: The editor would like to inform the reader that the author was too modest to drive his final nail in the coffin. Surely the reader has heard of Valentines day, February 14th? The day for passionate dinners at Applebees and bargain basement lingerie? Then you must also have heard of Stalking Awareness Month? This occurs in January. Is it a coincidence? Is it a hoax? I don't believe so. It seems that Cupid himself was a fan of stalking, and why shouldn't he be? Riddle me that! 

0 grams of Trans Fat!

I was inspired to say a few words about this subject from a bag of chips that Lando bought in New Mexico. The bag proudly advertised "0 grams trans fat", as if that would make eating chips good for you. I have seen this displayed on a wide variety of completely unhealthy foods in the past, but I forgot about it until now. Did you know that trans fat is not real? McDonalds does not have it. Chips don't have it. Hostess Twinkies don't have it. Are any of these things good for you? Are they low in fat? No. Trans fat is the jackalope of the fat world. It is the Loch Ness monster of healthy eating.

I have asked people who are into health what it is. All they will tell me is that it is "really bad." So now I am supposed to be scared. Currently I am on a mission to try and find something WITH trans fat. What does it even mean? Is it transsexual fat? Will it make me grow breasts? As far as I am concerned I think that I have more chance of getting struck by lightning than I do of buying something which contains this elusive lipid. Not that my chance of heart failure has diminished. Hardly at all. During my search for this chupacabra of health "bad boys" I have been eating everything from entire sticks of butter, to bacon fried in bacon grease, topped with whale blubber. I have eaten everything in the Cookin' with Elvis cookbook. My jowls are hanging low, but still no trans fat.

I must admit that I  have been considering a sex change though, so maybe I have ingested some. Or I could be just under the spell of El Dorado. Either way, if anyone out there can explain what Trans fat is and how come everything that is bad for you does not contain it, I would be happy to know. Not that I will believe you. KFC does not have it. Neither does Chik-a Fils, I don't even think I could find anything at Walmart that has trans fat, so the search goes on. Anyway, I think I am going to eat some deep fried Snickers bars, because I am not worried about them having one gram of trans fat. Oh goody! Health food! The Buzzman

Actual News! Forks High School Students Suspended!

I interrupt my usually completely fabricated works of truth, to bring something which is actually true! Of course I am not going to send you to real news sources, but I will summarize the story. Last week a student from Forks High School was suspended for wearing a Sex Pistols tee shirt to school. The student and friends thought this was unlawful, so they studied up and could not find evidence to prove otherwise. So they got a bunch of Sex Pistols shirts and wore them to school. They were summarily suspended. Now, you may say that my details are hazy, but I am busy so I am just using the parts of the story I have heard through the "vine" so bear with me.

To begin with I tried for 37 minutes to become offended by the phrase "Sex Pistols" it did not work. In fact the depressing part is that I did not even get horny! Damn! The only thing I could think of was Johnny Rotten's disgusting teeth, which was offensive. But the phrase Sex Pistols does nothing. So either I am too corrupt, which is highly plausible, or it is actually not offensive. So maybe I should take a look at both sides of the coin.

Offensive: I find it offensive to see a teenager wearing a Sex Pistols tee shirt. This is because I am neither having sex, or toting pistols. I would LOVE to be having sex right now! Instead I am offended because I am sitting in a motel in Winslow AZ, listening to the soft sounds of America's Funniest Home Videos! And I don't have a video on the show! If I had a pistol I would pull an Elvis Presley and shoot the TV, but instead I get to hear about these teeny boppers who are flaunting their sexuality and right to bear arms! Quit frankly, all I can think of is the sex I am not getting. It angers me. It angers me deeply. What, do these kids think they can be so selfish as to just rub it in everyone's face? I think not! Suspended! And if my sex life does not improve in the next two weeks, its the death sentence! You might say, "oh, your just being hard on them" and I would say, "What the hell was with that sexual innuendo? make another one and you die!" So, that's it for me, I say its banned and they can keep it the hell out of my school!

Not-Offensive: OK, I can see how the pistols thing is a bit extreme, what with school shootings and all, but sex? It's normal to have sex! Everyone of the parties involved was brought into this world through sex. Of course there is a chance that they were cloned, but since the Forks public library still has a significant VHS collection (including every season of The Highlander TV series) I would bet that cloning technology has not made it our fair city. Anyway, who cares if they have sex? If they have pistols too most likely they can provide for the kid, even if they do become criminals! so the whole thing seems dumb. Do you want to know what really offends me? The music of The Sex Pistols. I just think they sucked. They might have had some degree of talent, but I could never tell from any of the songs I heard. Their best attribute was that the songs were short. You don't have to wait long for the noise to stop. Do I think they are cool? Kind of. I personally think that Joe Strummer and the boys from The Clash had a lot more talent. But who cares? What REALLY offends me is the fact that McDonalds makes people who like hamburgers out to be felonious hamburger stealing freaks! The Hamburgler my ass! It is a metaphor for the American people! And I don't like it! Don't tread on me! In closing, I am not offended by the phrase "The Sex Pistols" but I am offended by the lack of nudity in our society! Fin!

My Actual Opinion: I don't know what that all even means, I don't really care. I guess my true opinion fits in somewhere in the middle. In reality ever since I took a trip to Japan in 2005 I have been a supporter of school uniforms. I am sure this will raise an outcry, and in high school I would have freaked out to. But here is why. With uniforms you do away with the "cool kids", at least when defined by fashion. Kids in uniforms all look nerdy. So they are evened out. Nerds are the same as the jocks. rich kids the same as the poor kids. Until I saw this in practice I did not get it. But it would do away with a lot of dumb problems. It would also make it easy to identify those on campus who were not students. I think the teachers should have uniforms as well. It saves a lot of time when deciding what to wear. So I guess I am going against the grain on this one. But before you get angry, read my disclaimer. Buzzsaw.

The Contest by Lando

After the big blow up the other day I was finally able to get the bros to make peace. For a little while. I was able to get them to shut up on one condition. That they have a contest to see who can write a better review. So surprisingly I got them both to agree. Funny because Anita K and I had pretty much decided to leave them in Vegas. So I gave them each the choice of what they wanted to review, and they have 24 hours to write them. We will then have readers vote as to which review is better. As for me I don't read. I really like pictures. So I am going to finish this off by posting some of my favorite pictures. See ya, Lando

PS-Sexy Boots!

Takin' a Time Out with Lando

Hi guys, this is Lando. I don't usually do this, I actually like taking pictures better, but this trip is getting crazy. The fighting between Buzzsaw and Dr HS Thompson is out of control. Anita K and I had to call hotel security. So today I decided that either we all sat down and worked out our differences in a civil manor, or they were both getting the boot. I think an Aussie and I can do just fine on the road without all the drama. So here is what I call "Takin' a Time Out"

[We are in our room at the Stratosphere, Buzzsaw is wearing an Ed Hardy shirt, a pair of baggy shorts, and birkenstocks with socks, Twilight is wearing a cut-off "I run with the Wolf pack shirt and tight wranglers, he has a do-rag on, and a pair of John Lennon sun glasses]

Lando: Alright fellows, I am going to have to ask you both to shake hands.

HST: Absolutely not. He just urinated and I did not hear running water.

BS: Were you listening through the door? And by the way I did wash my-[when interrupted BS opens and shuts mouth like a gold fish, it was pretty funny]

HST: [snarling] You disgust me. With your constant preening. Your self love knows no bounds. And I am 100 times the cocksman that you are-

BS: Alright Twilight, I can only listen to your babbling for so long. I have to take care of my looks if people are going to hire me to take pictures with them.

HST: A real man would be able to make it on his own. He would not have to "ride coattails", I bet you would be great on a casting couch. I know I have been. As I said yesterday, my "little black book" is more like the yellowpages.

Lando: Guys, this is great, but I don't think you are getting closer to coming to peace. And I need you to shake hands.

BS: I see no reason for that.

HST: Begrudgingly, I agree

Lando: Sorry, but if you don't do it Anita and I are kicking you both out.
[after about 2 minutes of silence, they shake hands, to be honest, I think they liked it!]

Lando: Thank you, thank you, thank you...Now, I want you both to say one thing that you like about each other

HST: WHAT?!! I WOULD RATHER DIE! HE IS A FOOL! AND HIS PERSONAL HYGIENE IS A NON-ENTITY!

BS: OK Twilight, lets try to be adults about this. Alright. I like...wait...I...nope, I am stumped. He is so mean to me. It hurts. I have worked so hard to get where I am. It is just not fair. All I want to do is make a lot of money, and meet girls, and he...he just tries to destroy me.

HST: Destroy you? You have only yourself to blame. You were the one who thought it was so smart to go to Forks. If you would have listened to me and gone to Vegas you could be acting in a show. REAL stuff, not just "trying to write." And by the way, the only good entries on your blog are the ones I wrote!

BS: Alright Twilight, back off. If I would have come to Vegas I would have been eaten alive-

HST: For the second time in my life I agree. You have the toughness of a pudding cup. Now, if it were me, I would even be scoring chicks. I might have even found a way to MAKE MONEY out of that. You on the other hand are satisfied with slumming around in hopes that your pathetic "skills" might get noticed. Have you realized that you are not the only person with a blog? I think my neighbors French Bulldog has a blog. It's actually pretty funny. At least compared to yours.

Lando: OK Dr, let's not have one person do all the talking. Buzzsaw, would you like to respond?

BS: I don't even want to talk to him. All he does is sabotage the work I do. I could not believe the negative response I got from the "pieces" he wrote. And by the way, he begged me to do it. Hey "Dr", where did you get your degree? And did you know that you could get your own blog? If everything I do is so stupid, then why would you want a piece?

HST: Because I hate Twilight even more than you. And why should I tell you where I got my degree? You just want to try and attack me because you only have a BA. And what was your major? Oh yeah, "Applied Arts & Technology" wow! And you were happy that you "made up your own degree", its a dumb degree. That is why you were working welding boat davits. And you still don't know what a davit is!

Lando: This is way off subject. I want you guys to try and come to terms with each other. Can you agree that you won't fight anymore? And that includes doing it using fake facebook accounts.

BS: I don't see the point. I bet he will try to attack me with the bag of tangerines again! This is a joke.

HST: It doesn't matter what weapon I choose. You don't stand a chance! But, for the sake of Lando, I think I can agree to get along. if you will agree to go to a strip club with me!

BS: I don't want to go to a strip club. How is that relevant?

HST: A man would go to a strip club. I don't want to make peace with a small pubescent boy. I would slap someone like that with an old shoe.

BS: Thats it I'm leaving! [gets up]

Lando: If you want to stay with us tonight, you better sit down. And Twilight, I think the strip club thing is unfair. He can't help being scared, he is just not very manly.

BS: You too Lando? I hate you guys!

HST: Well good, because it will give your life a sense of fulfilment! I just thought of something I don't hate...STRIPPERS! This is Las Vegas! Why are we sitting here? I want to play baccarat! I want to go to after hours clubs! I want to PARTAYYYYY!

BS: Sorry, but I want to try and get some work done. And I would rather have a meaningful relationship instead of spending money looking at naked women who only care about my money!

HST: Well aren't you a sweetheart? OK, then, if that is the case, I am going to be staying with some strippers tonight, do not wait up for me. Lando, can we call it an agreement? I agree that he is a chump, and you do too. Right? [tears are welling up in Buzzsaw's eyes, he has started sniveling]

Lando: Well, I guess he is a little uptight. You need a ride to the club? You were going to Mr. Sparkey's Adult Gentlemans Club and Leisure Palace right? [HST is rubbing his hands together and looking back and forth in a wild and untamed manner]

HST: Either that or the Poodle Dog Lounge and Pup Room. Yeah bro, I do need a ride. See ya chump.

BS: I am going to the roller coaster. At least we are staying in the family friendly Stratosphere, it has things to do for those who are actually not sleazy!

[BS is standing, kicking aimlessly at a piece of paper on the floor]

Lando: I guess that solves it. I gotta run!

Road Rage #1 by Dr HS Twilight

I am utterly ashamed that I let The Buffoon manage to drug me and trap me in the boot of the car. Which by the way he has given the most pathetic name "Car-lisle." If he had any talent at all he would have named it "Sexual Healing" which I am sure would have gotten conversations going in the right direction. Well he doesn't, and he was also fool enough to lock me up with Anita K's "emergency kit" which is a bottle of bourbon. It was the first thing I found when I regained consciousness. It was all I could do to remain in control. Locked in the trunk in sub-freezing weather, with the mind melting squeeling of Justin Bieber pounding from the speakers. In a matter of 3 minutes I had formulated 38 plans for ways to kill "Hacksaw" though I still haven't settled on one which would be humiliating enough.

It was after I considered feeding him to flesh eating flowers that I found the bourbon. I drank it over the course of the next few minutes, hoping it would knock me out so I would not  have to hear his horrendous music. When it didn't I proceeded to rip slowly through the back of the car with one of the many knives I carry until I was able to access his seat belt. I then choked him so hard my own eyes were beginning to bulge out of my head! This was near the town of Boring OR. He is such a limp-wristed queen that he only struggled for about 4 seconds before he made Anita pull the car over so Lando could let me out. Shaking with rage I restrained myself from dispatching him then and there, because even I am not fool enough to think he won't be of any value at all. Of course the only thing he has going for him are his looks, he has the personality of a septic tank and the intelligence of an in-bred gerbil. In fact I would like to build a huge hamster wheel with a mirror on one side so he will run himself to death trying to catch a glimpse of his own reflection!

Well once we had the dunce securely tied up and gagged, our trip got exceedingly better. I got Lando to loosen up, slightly, though he still acts like a middle aged accountant most of the time. Anita was just happy to be traveling for warmer weather, and having a companion with a personality and rakish good looks did not hurt a bit. So we traveled on, and I took the opportunity of riding shotgun in "Sexual Healing" to throw pudding cups at road signs. Of course Lando whimpered like a schoolgirl at the very idea, so I slapped him with my belt. He cried in silence for the next 3 hours. At the first stop I almost made it with two baristas, but we had to leave, so I got their numbers and we rode on. At the next stop, I was nearly raped by 7 married women, so I lied and told them I was so full of STD's it would make the average casting agent look clean as the driven snow. All in all it was fun. We made it safely to Susanville, thanks to my skill at driving in the snow. We are staying in the casinos hotel here, and the first thing I did was win $5,000 at a slot machine. Not a big deal for me, but a big deal to some.

Of course I was so busy winning that I have worn myself out, and instead of continuing my narration of the trip, I am going to visit a lady friend whom I met at the keno game. I am also going skinny dipping in the pool. Just so you know, it is 26 degrees here right now. I hope he dies in the trunk, though I did leave him his "Carlisle Cullen" snuggie. He is a scourge to society, but I think I can make money off him later. I will be employing him as a male escort, which despite his unusual low IQ, just might work. I also might try to use him as a coke mule. Next stop Las Vegas, and in the words of Warren Zevon, send "Lawyers, guns, and money!" Obviously the women will be flocking. Love or hate me,
                                                                Dr HS Twilight.
PS-Naturally nobody picks hate. Though most want to pick, "jealous."

Road Journal 1

I am writing this from the backseat of the burgundy Chevy Lumina which we have named "Car-Lisle." Anita K, the Aussia is driving, Lando is riding shotgun. I am still in familiar territory, I have driven through Oregon on I-5 so many times it is silly. Yet, on the horizon lie the Las Vegas strip, and places unknown. Tonight we will stay in Susanville CA, known for the High Desert Prison, and being referenced in Quinten Tarintino's movie Jackie Brown. But let's not talk about the future. We have already had some adventures!

Before I get to that I would like to introduce some of the Australian jargon we will be using. First and foremost, the trunk of the car, or Car-Lisle's ass, is referred to as the "boot." This is a good term for an anthropomorphic car, because it sounds like "booty" a slang term for buttocks! Next, Anita K brought a cooler which is called an "eski", I can only imagine that it comes from "eskimo", or something like that. Truck drivers are from here on only called "truckies" and motorcyclists are called "bikies." These terms are very neat. We like them. We will use them. Feel free to use them as well.

I am sure you are not interested, so I will tell you what we have inside Car-Lisle. Actually no, I am not even interested! I would like you to know that Lando and I managed to shove Dr Hunter S Twilight into the boot, and I have turned up the Harry Nilson so I cannot hear him tapping and cursing. I will not have it, this will be a family adventure, with none of his anti-social antics! He has been there for the past 24 hours, so life has been bearable. Anyway, I would like to share a good omen, which occurred at Kalama high school yesterday, which I felt was the real beginning of our trip!

Kalama high was the school used in the first Twilight movie, and Anita K had not been there. So always the consummate tour guide, and because I needed to use the restroom, I guided our little crew to the scene. It really is a great old school, with covered walkways all over the hill that the school is built on. We walked around a bit, taking pictures from various angles, and were getting ready to go when a Filipino woman pulled up to the house across the street. All three of us knew that I was being twidentified by the way she was looking at us, and it was only a couple of minutes before she walked across and started telling us how her house was in the movie. Apperently in the scene where Edward "Hulk smashes" the van Tyler is driving, you can see it. Soon after telling us this, she told me I "looked like Edward" after which we did a little photo shoot. The cool part was that she took a picture with Lando in it too. She must have thought he was in the movie too! Either that or she "cute-dentified" him. So we had not been on the road 3 hours before we had our first good interaction, to me this seems fine! That is all for now, I am going to get a snack out of the eski, see ya,
                   Buzzsaw
Note: Writing & editing in the backseat of Car-Lisle is not easy, so please go easy on me if these are a little strange. I am just trying to stay ahead of the curve on this trip and get some work done in the downtime.

The doctor slipped past security!

Greetings, HS Twilight here. I am completely enraged. In fact I just soaked a pillow in water, stuck it in the freezer, and threw it through a window. It was the windshield of a candy apple red Toyota Prius, license plate "4 JOY", I did it "4 FUN", so sue me. It will not be the first time! I sure as hell hope that it is not the last. In fact nothing gets my blood pumping like a subpoena or a criminal charge, especially if the statute of limitations expires within days! If you are wondering whether I got up on the wrong side of the bed I hate to inform you that I sleep on a Japanese style futon, which I roll up in the morning and put in my closet. Beds are for savages and slobs. But that is really not the point of today's tirade. I would like to focus my fury on Stephanie Meyer for the day.

One particular area which has gotten me so upset is her pathetic "analogy" between a Vampire that does not drink human blood and a vegetarian. It seems that Mrs Meyer does not realize that animal blood and human blood is essentially THE SAME THING! Of course I could let her off the hook on account of her "vampires" not actually being vampires. But that would be easy, and I hate the analogy. To begin with, if she is going that road, I would think that "vegan" would be slightly better. Actually, no, it is still really, really dumb! Why? Because the only difference is that they eat blood from animals. It would be better to say something about eating Kosher food or something. Perhaps comparing it to a catholic vow of celibacy. Of course Stephi-poo does not probably know what this means, just like she has no idea that vegetarians everywhere are turning to meat, simply so they are not compared with her attempt at fiction!

I would also like to point out another obvious flaw in her writing. This is her device of sending the vampires "away to hunt!" Even if you have never been to Forks, it would be obvious to a cretin that one would not have to go far to hunt! Just in the short time I was there I saw countless deer and a huge herd of elk. Of course a naysayer might try this tact, "they wanted to hunt bears for Emmett" well I happen to know a young man who made $100 hauling a dead bear up and down the valleys and hills of Forks, it is very normal. Hauling bear ain't a bad way to live! Hell, I would haul a live bear, if only to get me out of reading more Twilight! The reason she does it is because she is too lazy to come up with a normal reason for her characters to disappear for extended periods of time! For that matter, if her characters were smart they would have a piece of property that practically teemed with wildlife. Did you know that there is an animal called a cow? It just so happens that you can BUY these animals. In a place as remote as Forks one could quite easily buy and breed livestock. Hell Dr Cullen could have a butcher shop. It would be a very good cover. But cover and reality are not important to Steffers, she effortlessly avoids all practicality in order to sell a steamy romance, which is a code word for a steamy turd!

I am sure that this little rant will get my good buddy pal Buzzsaw a real ass reaming from his fawning fans. And I am damn glad! He had the nerve to kick me out yesterday, and the bastard will pay! In fact, let me turn my sites towards him. To begin with, his hair looks like hell. He truly thinks it is great, but right now it looks like a misplaced and overgrown bunch of pubic hair! And he got fat this summer, did he tell you? I think ten too many beers and greasy cafe breakfast are going to be his undoing. That and his pathetic need for attention. He tries to get people riled by announcing that he is in a relationship, I find that very hard to believe. The last date he went on was in high school, and the girl asked him to take her home after 5 minutes of him driving around bellowing "La Bamba" out of key. What a moron! Oh, gotta go, I here him coming!

                                                              Ha! The Dr. Hunter S. Twilight

The Doctor is OUT!

I apologize dear readers for the troubling times on The Buzzsaw Report. I have been away from my desk and the good doctor, Hunter S. Twilight has been "assuming control." Let's put an emphasis in the ASS portion of the word. It turns out certain "views" he has, especially when related to Forks WA, are different than mine, slightly. His tortured, anger fueled ranting has nothing to do with my docile demeanor! I am like a baby kitten!

The problems he has stirred up were assorted and sordid enough for me to cut short my vacation with my two daughters! I love Eliza and Sylvie more than anything in the world, I do NOT like our time cut short! In fact if you want to know we were in Leavenworth WA enjoying the autumn colors! Alas my ex good friend ruined it. Ironically I was going to write a piece called "What I love about Forks!" So the timing is perfecto! Here is what I was going to write:

I would like to start by saying that I like the Bank of America in Forks. I personally think BOA is a stupid bank, but in Forks it rocks! That is, it rocks unless you try depositing money into the ATM! Lando was putting money in one day when we were really hurting, but the machine ate the  money! It took three days to get the whole deposit worked out! Of course I always liked going inside because the staff was really nice. Of course I am pretty sure all ATM's have mechanical problems, so I think it is OK now.

Besides the staff, the BOA hosts the Forks scholarship auction. I was lucky enough to go to this the first weekend I ever went to Forks. They all get together and raise a lot of money for kids to go to college. I saw some amazing wooden carvings and some famous balls! Yes, a woman from Texas mailed her balls to Forks to be sold for the kids! They were all signed too! Nolan Ryan! Can't remember! And "Pete Rose, Hit King!" What makes me really happy is how hard the people of one small community can do when working together.

It seems like they are always doing fundraisers in that town. From bake sales to raffles, they even have Cow Pie Bingo! You buy squares that are marked out in a field, and on the day of the event they let a cow into the pasture and whichever square it craps in is the winner! Simply genius. My friend Don who grew up in Forks (and incidentally is married to the woman who first twidentified me), said they have been doing it forever. Cool!

Towards the end of summer the football players were selling hot dogs in the parking lot of Forks outfitters. I was so poor that it was like winning the lottery getting fitty cent dawgs! What I liked more about it was meeting the players. They were working raising money for the team. Good training for life. They are a small school, so the team really changes depending on the students body. Right now they only have two seniors, but the young players are looking strong! I proudly wear all my Forks Spartans gear trying to give them the props they deserve!

Speaking of Forks Outfitters, I enjoyed going there this summer, though I am afraid I did not spend much money! It is a friendly place with great employees. Some things were a bit expensive for me, but they have to ship things a long way to get to Forks. I imagine that the prices are reflective of fuel. One downside I found is that they do not have WIFI in the store so I could not work at the coffee shop. Oh well, that was Lando's breakfast spot anyway! The store was cool for me because I had so many funny encounters there. I was buying paint when two Texan women ran up on me!

They had seen me pop in and out of Twilight Central real quick and had chased me down across town! They have turned out to be awesome friends! So, even though I did not spend much money there, I think if I ever make enough money to buy some Otter Pops I will! Well, I was trying to write about the awesome things in Forks, and I feel like I have barely gotten started. I am sure I will revisit this topic in the coming days, and rest assured, Dr Hunter S. Twilight will not be back! Well that's all for now, I am going to play World of Warcraft with the girls!
                                                                  Sayonara, Buzzsaw