Caution, Australian Craigslist is for Adults Only! Part II

If you got a chance to read the last BS Report (which I am sure was AMAZING!), I am sure you are probably booking a ticket to Australia in order to find true love. Again, if ANYONE READING THIS IS A KID, PLEASE, PLEASE GET OFF THE INTERNET AND GO PLAY OUTSIDE! As for the adults, I will assume that you have given up and devoted your life to Farmville, so feel free to keep reading. This will totally inspire you in your search for true love. Or convince you that a life of celibacy is the key to happiniess. Without further ado, lets take trip down under...

1) Share Fantasies via email - m4mw - 30 (Sydney)

I am looking to share fantasies via email with women and men aswell. Couples are more than welcome. The idea is to exchange emails of fantasies and secrets you have and want to share. The mind is the largest and best sexual organ and this is what it is all about. Don't message me if you don't get this. The kinkier and dirtier the better, agree?

If we both like what we hear, maybe we take it further.

What it REALLY means: This is fairly straightforward. Your mind will never be the same if you dare to communicate with this man via e-mail.

Pictured: The START of a fantasy...

2) Can I find you? - m4w - 45

I'm Korean male, looking for a pen pal friend I am interested in reading, travel, some sports such as marathon and......
This is just for occasional email exchange, nothing serious just friends, we can chat about life and more.....

What it REALLY means: I am interested in such sports as marathon. It is not as boring as it sounds.

3) str8 wank / jerk buds - m4m - 26

Hey looking for other str8 guys who like to jerk with mates
been looking for a while but cant seem to find what im looking for.
So if you are looking for more, dont waste your time.
THis isnt for a random meet up has to be someone i can get alone with.
Put hot porn on and jerk, talk about sex, etc. If you are into cam4 even better.
if you thing you are in the same boat lets have a chat
cheers

What it REALLY means: Yeah, still looking for another str8 guy interested in a relationship based on our mutual love of "hot porn" and...yeah, I can see how it might seem strange. Trust me, it's not!

4) LATINO SURFER LOOKING FOR A ROOM - m4m - 27 (SYDNEY)

                                                                                                                                                                                                               

Tall dark latin american surfer jock looking for a room. Cant pay to much but can pay and help out.
Great cleaner, chef, give great massages and very easy going. Any help even for a short while would be great.
Thanks For Your time,

What it REALLY means: When I say I am good at massage I do not exagerate. I am REALLY good!

5) Looking for a kind African man - w4m - 25

To help me have a baby :) Through artificial insemination. Happy to offer good compensation for the right guy. You would not have any responsibilities in raising the child, but an ongoing friendship would be welcome. Very flexible about it all, so for more details please contact :)

What it REALLY means: My use of emoticons is disarming. Once again, I am very flexible about my desire to be inseminated by a kind African man. If you are flexible about pay I think it will be a great match. Also I am insane.

6) american cowboy - m4w - 31 (north dakota (usa))

good evening ladies. ive always thought that the australian womans attitude toward and outlook on life was the best. im a 31 year old white male that manages a ranch in south west north dakota. id like to establish a writing relationship with any ladies that are friendly and outgoing. i look forward to hearing from you. good night and god bless.

What it REALLY means: If you hadn't gathered by now, I am absolutely insane.

7) join us 4 drinks and dinner (w4mw) - w4w - 36 (CBD)

Hey there

I'm looking for an asian lady to join me (chinese australian female) for dinner with two great guys on friday 22 july.

my friends are from england and they visit sydney a couple of times each year.

we usually go for drinks at the zeta bar and have good italian food.

we laugh a lot and have a fun evening - nothing more

if you are interested to know more - let me know :-)

What it REALLY means: I have no friends. And I am a compulsive liar. And the man in the white suit forgot his I-Phone in my room...

8) pregnant girls are so attractive - m4w - 36 (manly)

any pregnant girls want to chat, either over a coffee or over the phone? you are so beautiful!! please get back to me

What it REALLY means: What the hell do you think it means?

9) Is it possible...? - m4w - 56 (North Shore)

Is it possible to have a good platonic friendship with someone, where each person acknowledges the other physical needs, and is willing to satisfy them without an emotional or romantic commitment...just friendship?

I am a caucasian Australian single parent of young adult children. We have all be through the mill the last few years. Neither I nor they are ready for the complexities that come with me finding someone new.

If you find that this makes sense, please get in touch and we could discuss it over a meal or something.

I'm not desperate...Just want to put it out there.

What it REALLY means: If this post doesn't work we are just going to get our dad a hooker.

10) Friendship? :) - m4w - 30 (Sydney )

So, let's begin.
I'm searching for a person who is unique, and you know what, you can be mega lonely. That would help with the criteria of what I'm looking for.
I'm not looking for sex, clubbing/pubbing/drinking buddies.
I'm also not looking for people with 652 friends, who are looking to chat with someone new for 40 seconds.
I'm looking for potential long term friends.

What it REALLY means: Fat girls need loving too!

11) Party time - m4ww - 23 (city)

Feel like meeting a random stranger off the net then going out to a club and party somewhere?
hit me up - let's have fun*
Ideally you'd be somewhat intelligent, know how to somewhat dance and be feminine of some sort.
* fun does not include intercourse
If you can do tonight a bonus.

What it REALLY means: Fun includes nothing but intercourse!

Editors note: Who even calls it "intercourse"? Is this man a doctor or something?

12) give me your help - m4m - 31 (inner west )

i need help as im a international student still , im married guy but all the time im keen to try to be with anther guy , can any one advice me i need something long relationship as you can help me to get permanent residency in Australia any body got any ides please tell me then we work out together , i will provide what you need via email later one
i need help as im a international student still , im married guy but all the time im keen to try to be with anther guy , can any one advice me i need something long relationship as you can help me to get permanent residency in Australia any body got any ides please tell me then we work out together , i will provide what you need via email later one
i need help as im a international student still , im married guy but all the time im keen to try to be with anther guy , can any one advice me i need something long relationship as you can help me to get permanent residency in Australia any body got any ides please tell me then we work out together , i will provide what you need via email later one

What it REALLY means: You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered.

13) i adore small boobs - m4mw - 36 (northern beaches)

i know its not popular for guys to like small boobs but i really adore them, so if anyone wants to chat about their small boobs or even show me then get back to me!!

What it REALLY means: I adore boobs so small that I don't care if they are attached to a man!

So dear readers, that concludes my investigation of the Australian mind. It seems to be a wonderful, wonderful thing. Love always Buzzsaw.

PS- Do you think my boobs are small? I sure hope they are because I would love to talk about them. With anyone. Any of you. It would be an honour to talk to you about my chest blossoms. At any time.

  

Caution, Australian Craigslist is For Adults Only! Part 1

In order to appeal more to my international fanbase (I have four fans, two overseas) I decided to examine the Strictly Platonic posts from Sydney Australia. WARNING: SOME OF THIS CONTENT IS A BIT MORE SEXUAL IN NATURE THAN I WOULD NORMALLY USE, SO KIDS IF YOU ARE READING THIS, PLEASE, PLEASE STOP! And if you do read it, just be aware that sometimes daddy and mommy need to do things that are hard to understand. That said, I was quite impresses with some of the things I found. In effort to be accurate and to show what is "really going on" down under I have included more examples than I usually do. This piece will be a bit long. What I am going to try today is posting an ad, then I will try to show the readers "what it really means." Please, brace yourself, this will certainly get weird!

Weird? Their most famous building looks like a stack of clams, OF COURSE Australians are weird!

1) straight guy looking for wank bud - m4m – 27

hey
straight here looking for wank buddies under 35. Str8 or bi. No gay, coz wouldnt be into the same porn.
Not after a random and we gota be cool and get along
cheers

What it REALLY means: Though he is very clear (sort of) about his desire to find a "straight" wank bud, he does say that "bi" is OK. In my humble opinion, he probably is looking for a bit more than simply watching nudie movies with a pal and enjoying the act of self pleasure, with another straight man?!!!????!!! It also means I am going to wash my eyes after reading this!

2)Woman sought for Erotic Encounter - m4w

I'm a married guy who is seeking a woman to give me a complete body shave with a view to repeating the shave every four weeks or so and also engage in adventurous erotica.. I am not overly hairy - I want the shave for the sensuality, mainly. You must host. Of course there will be a gratuity and a happy ending is expected and as the relationship progresses over time, perhaps more with a commensurate adjustment in the gratuity. It must be on weekdays, you should provide the necessary toys etc. I am into trying all types of sex as I've missed out most of my life. Married, but not active sexually at home

What it REALLY means: I think what this means is that he is trying to find a woman with a view to shaving him every four weeks. At your own house. Using your own razors/toys. It seems clear that he is pretty hairy, since he took the time to state that he was "not overly hairy." As he also states that he will (obviously) give a gratuity (for sex), so it will probably be a very small amount of money. Of course, after you shave him (at your house), and pleasure him (with "adventurous erotica"), REPEATEDLY, EVERY FOUR WEEKS!!!! The gratuity will probably be increased by a dollar or two. Also, it MUST happen on weekdays. At your house. Using your razor/toys.

3) I want a date for tomorrow night 8pm - m4w - 24 (CBD)

Sorry for the late notice BUT,

I want a date for 8pm tomorrow night, exclusive event.

You must be 20-26yo female, intelligent, bubbly and hwp.

It will be a good night.

More details given. FB/phone number swapping essential.

What it REALLY means: Sorry I forgot to announce that I need someone to rape tomorrow night!

4) Boat trip from Pittwater to Gold Coast - m4w - 45 (Pittwater)

Looking for companion (1 or 2) to join me on a boat trip from Pittwater to Gold Coast during August or September on a 48ft luxury cruiser. Boat is in excellent condition and I am an experienced skipper. Preferred age range is 35 to 45 and you must have an agreeable personality and enjoy helping out with odd jobs on board. Voyage should last around 10 to 14 days but may as short as 5 days. I am a good listener (and talker) and genuinely enjoy female company. All food and drink provided. There is no payment required but the offer of some personal services would be highly appreciated and reciprocated.

What it REALLY means: I have a boat of sorts. I think I know how to sail it, but I KNOW I like sex. Preferably with two women at the same time! I also like my woman to work a bit. There is nothing sexier than a woman who is a bit sweaty, and it also turns me on when I see a woman swabbing the decks (real not metaphorical). I will allow you to talk, if you need to. Of course, I will feed you a bit, your duties will require that you be well fed (you will be "working" hard!).

It's a BOAT Mutha F--ka!

5) Can you use a new friend? - m4w - 45 (California)

Hello,
This is a bit strange I suppose, I have always liked your country and would really enjoy making some friends there. I am a avarage hard working, American male. Not too much of an exciting life I suppose. I get up, go to work and then back home same as most everyone I guess. I do enjoy riding my Harley Davidson motorcycles and scuba diving in Monterey bay. I draw tattoos for people for fun, I am also very much into photography. I would love to make some friends to chat with and learn more about your life styles and your country, I'll teach you about ours. I look at it this way, a person can never have to many friends in this world, so come on...what are you waiting for lets be friends..:o)

What it REALLY means: Hi! I have absolutely no friends in my own country (I killed them you see!)! I was wondering if I would find someone in Australia who I could "seduce" online through lies and deception! At first I will only ask for money, but soon I will find a way to come to Australia and I will kill you! LOL

Here are some of my best tattoo designs! Skullkrusher here is a great friend of mine. We have been pals for 7 years!

6) straight wanking buddies - m4m - 26

answered a few posts on here and I havnt been able to find what im after
so giving it a try myself
just looking for str8, maybe bi wanking buds who are after only wanking
just chill have a good time and a wank if we feel cool about it.
cheers

What it REALLY means: Hey, I am simply trying to find a NORMAL guy to watch porn and masturbate with! No big deal! LOL!

And with that, I give up! It will have to be a two part piece! The fact is, I have a boat to catch!

 Love, Buzzsaw

Ladies, you have options...

How many emails have I received about the marital/boyfriend problems that people (women I do not know) on my Facebook friends list are experiencing? The answer? You actually do not want to know. It has happened a lot, but thankfully not for awhile. I assume that this is the calm before the storm, so in order to thwart the inevitable, and give these women some men to pal around with, I went on www.craigslist.org/houston and picked out a few choice entries.  They are as follows:

1) Free Room Share - m4w - 28 (Hotel)

I am a business man and can provide a place to stay while I am here. Email for more details. Hotel is at Sage and Westheimer.

Highlights: In my opinion this whole entry is a highlight. Nothing says "no strings attached" like the phrase "free room to share." It is not like he is into anything crazy, plus he probably gets HBO. On top of that the two of you (though he does not specify a number) could discuss business as you doze off. If you are lucky he will let you order up room service. Not a bad deal, if you are homeless you have a place. If you already have a place, think of it as a "staycation" either way you can't possibly lose here!

2) An adventure - m4w (houston)

Hey!

I am looking for a femaile friend to share an adventure with. Look, I put this in platonic because I'm not after sex and that kinda gets in the way of fun sometimes. I will meet any and all of your security needs as I know there are some real psycos and creeps out there. You should be attractive, HWP, 35 - 52, fun loving, gregarious (never met a stranger), humorous and like water and beaches, dancing and good food. This is a vacation, so you will need some time to get away. This is not a bot....I AM REAL! If you respond, put pina colada's in your subject line. You must send a picture. Mutual attraction is a must. I promise, you will not be disappointed with my looks. I am divorced and not dating at this time.

Highlights: One of the key highlights here is that the author assures the reader that he is "not a bot...I AM REAL!" Of course if you read the...as hesitation, you might wonder why...he had to...figure out he WAS REAL! Either way it is nice to know that though he is in no way interested in sex (we all agree that it gets in the way of the fun right?) he IS interested in what his "femaile friend" looks like. Lastly, it is clearly a benefit that he will "meet any and all of your security needs." Suffice to say that though he does not reveal what his "vacation" will consist of (I read this several times without realizing he would be taking you somewhere), it is sure to be "an adventure." One from which you may "decide" never to return from.

3) 60, gray, Beer belly, married - m4w - 60 (Katy)

Hi
My name is Ed and let me tell you about me. As I said I am white, 60, gray hair somewhat thining, with a bet of a beer belly. I am Texas Through and through.
Talk Texan, walk texan, think texan. A bit of a red neck. I dive a Chevy Pick up and I have a few cows. I am a Cowboy fan, Texan are OK too.
Now that most of you have left, let me tell you what I like to do. I am retired now so I have all day to run and play. The only problem is I can play like I use to
sad to say. So I would like to find a lady that like to set around a talk and be a friends. The only thing I have now is me and I do give great wallet.
you must be over 18 and under 65 and you can not have a kick stand, in other words you must set to pee. Sound like a plan, let me know.
Ed

Highlights: Clarity. Sort of. At the end he hints that you can not have a "kick stand" which I presumed was a cane. But in the next sentence he says it means "you must set to pee." Of course, he may mean, you must be set on pee! And the pee setting is one which I use on any appliance I own. In fact my laptop is set to pee every 10 minutes. Thank goodness it is a hot day. Typically in the winter it is set to pee only every hour, the cold weather really changes things. Other highlights are that he gives "great wallet" a skill which is usefull the whole world round. He also "dives" a Chevy truck and "owns a few cows." All around, he sounds like a hell of a tallented man. Next?

4) WHO WANTS TO PLAY? - m4w - 22 (hwy6 and 290)

I WANT TO GET DOWN GET DOWN JUNGLE BOOGIE WITH SOME CATS..MY MOTORCYCLE....AND I GUESS A CUTE GIRL!!! I MEAN CMON LOOK AT ME!! DO I LOOK LIKE IM NOT INTO FUN?!?!?!!?!?!?
EMAIL ME I BROKE MY PHONE LETTING A CAT CHEW ON IT. MEOW

This is the face of a man who is clearly unafraid of cats!

Highlights: Let's face it, this entry is short and to the point. He wants to party on a motorcycle with cats and perhaps a girl. If you need anything more than that, the problem lies within. Your. Cold. Evil. Soul.

5) **I SEEK ASIAN/LATINA LADY FOR PROSPEROUS BUSINESSMAN COMPANIONSHIPS** - m4w - 41 (HOUSTON)

I am a Caucasian male, 41 and 5' 10" and 175 lbs. I am a professional white collar executive company President. I own and operate a very profitable import commodities company. Most of my product comes from either Asia or Latin America. I am clean and healthy, considerate, both very financially and quite emotionally stable. I am well educated, well dressed, and well mannered. I am seeking a mature Asian or Latina woman from 20-50 years old who is in the same situation as I. If you are looking for attention and appreciation and the finer things in life then I can provide that for you. I am a respectful traditional gentleman who is sincerely seeking a mutually interested woman. Please send pix and I will be most pleased to reciprocate. You any feel free to ask any questions or concerns you may have. Be well and take good care.

 Highlights: This is totally a legit opportunity and not a scam.

Well ladies, there you have it. Who says that Ol' Buzzsaw is not taking care of you?

PS-If any Asian or Latina females need to get ahold of me, please use the same email address as the cat guy. LOL

Turn out the lights, the party's over!

On Saturday night I went into the bathroom of a good friends house and shaved all the long sweaty hair off my head (my body of course gets shaved regularly by the bevy of girls who make up my entourage). It felt nice. After what seems like two years of hard and psychologically disturbing work, I feel like my project is nearly done. If you don't know what the project was, briefly, I was collecting stories about my life and adventures which occurred due to the uncanny resemblance actor Robert Pattinson of Ring of The Nibelungs has to me, Sir Buzzsaw. Today I am going to try and give a brief list of just SOME of the things which have happened to me and which will appear in the book (My Name Is Not Edward) which I am going to be trying to finish this winter.

1) I had so many people ask me if I was him that I had to make up a word (twidentified).

2) I ran a shop in Forks WA where my sole source of income was from selling pictures of myself with tourists. I supported not only myself but my photographer/friend Lando as well.

3) Went to Los Angeles for the premier of Twilight Eclipse (which was HILARIOUS in its inaccuracies). Met many people, and caused Richard Pattinson to do a double take when he walked past

4) Was in two parades in Clallam County. The Forks Old Fashioned Fourth of July parade which sucked because the chamber of commerce (who are idiots) strong armed me into being in it by acting as if I was screwing the town over by not attending (I got called "gay ass Edward" right after, so I guess my instincts were correct). The parade for Quileute Days was great! I got to ride on a fire truck with a bunch of native kids throwing out candy. We were squishing them inside the package, which is funny unless you open them to eat them. We did not. 

5) Had to improvise when our photo printer broke (effectively taking away what we thought was our product). Because of that we went to Portland and the filming locations of Twilight. I learned that instead of wanting to beat me up (like some of the local Forkers), people in Portland thought I was a celeb. That was weird, but a welcome change. Made friends in the towns of St Helens and Carver OR.

6) Learned to take everything I hear in Forks with a grain of salt. There is not much entertainment out there, so "creative embellishment" is a pastime. On the big Twilight holiday, instead of the "thousands" we were told to expect, there were mere 120's. So we did not make up any of the money we hope to after losing our printer. We were running on fumes, it was raining, oh, and my truck had a blown head gasket!

7) The most helpful people will not be those you most expect. It was not the rich lawyer who told us she would help us who did. Instead it was a considerably less wealthy (also shorter) Australian twi-mum who did the most for us. In November Lando and I headed out on the road from Seattle bound for Baton rouge LA with our Aussie friend Anita. The trip was awesome, the road was long, and it was the beginning of the end.

8) I learned that writing can save your mind. A friend advised me to start a blog (so if some producers were interested in me I would have product). If I had known how much fun it is to publish lies and half truths on the internet, I would have started blogging years ago! It also helped me when I got tired of working on my book. Which was all the time.

9) Driving a car without registration is only a problem if you know about it. I ended up going to Canada to scout the Twilight filming, and besides getting searched when I told them I was a musician, the unregistered car went unnoticed. When I got my truck running again, I was happy to be legal. Also I was happy I did not catch fire when my fuel injectors were shooting gasoline onto my hot engine block while driving to work one day...

10) I learned that the real Robert Pattinson's friend Lee MacDougall got his mind blown when I went to his concert. He thought I should be working for the real McCoy. Speaking of the real McCoy, a crazy Asian named "Joe Cool" found me in Forks in July 2010 and told me I was "The Real McCoy." I will take it.

That is in no way a comprehensive list. I have been analyzed by a psychologist, chased through hardware stores by Twihards, seduced a Canadian prison guard (which led to scoring an awesome girlfriend), and much more. All I know is that I am done for now. Stay tuned to www.sirbuzzsaw.com for my Evening Magazine debut, and anything else in the works. And though I shaved my hair and retired, if you are a Twihard and want to hire me, all it means is that the price just went WAY UP! Sincerely, Barnes

PS-If any of you want to buy my famous truck, or the car we drove to Baton Rouge in, let me know. Also, we have pictures of all of this. Except the prison guard.

Dear concerned citizen...

HI THERE! Sir Buzzsaw here! I welcome thee to my brand new domain on the online kingdom of internets! A vast and rich land of grapes and stuff. Please, check me out. Visually. Do you like what you see? Does it "turn you on"? ? ? I bet it does. Not to brag but I have had at least one lesbian tell me she would "go straight" for me. Have you? I didn't think so. Anywho, www.sirbuzzsaw.com is here. And it is NOT going away. Also, if you want to sup at my round table, please, be my guest. And I have counted the silverware so don't even think about trying to steal it!

With love, the one and only, Sir Buzzsaw, and please, you can just call me "Sir"! Really, I don't mind at all.

Work: A little piece of Hell, right in you own back yard!

Jobs. I have had lots of jobs. Official and unofficial. From working on a trash truck with the legendary Bob Verbeek, to the never ending home remodels of Randy "The Beastmaster" Listd and "Uncle Ronny" Rowe. When I worked for Uncle Ronny I also used to drive him to and from court appointments due to the DWI he incurred from driving slowly into a dentist office while sauced. The Beastmaster tended to make me collect vast amounts of grilled cheese sandwiches from the leftovers at the nearby summer camp, which I presume he used as a rudimentary form of insulation or weather proofing. That American "cheese" is one hell of a long lasting product! Work is fun. Or it can be. Often it is just a test of pain tolerance and a masochistic desire to become a "good American" the latter of which I gave up on many years ago.

But if you do get the chance, some of the things I have done on the clock are quite fun, and I highly recommend them. Such as: jumping off the roof of a kitchen into the cardboard collection bin!

One of my first "real" jobs was working as a dishwasher at Sambica summer camp on lake Sammamish in Issaquah WA. My friends Kris, Scott and Eric were all around the same age and we made up the dish washing crew of the small camp kitchen. Aside from exterminating rats by varying means, we had a couple other forms of "entertainment." The first was very simple, and involved tormenting the customers. The door top the restroom led everyone down a sort of outdoor hall right past the dishwasher, which thankfully had a screen window which let in a slight (non-existent) breeze. One day while Eric was operating the sprayer, and I was putting the dishes away, the door opened. As we saw the top of a head move past the screened window, Eric aimed the spray nozzle at the shape and let a blast go. Resulting in what must have seemed like to the customer an accidental shot of water. Of course as they say, you can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink, unless like me that horse is thirsty as hell and a fast learner. The tradition of spraying paying customers with water was carried on long after Eric left, and I sure hope that I passed it on to all the dishwashers that I trained. So if any of you readers are in a similar situation and have never taken the opportunity to dowse you paying customers in the face with water, you should damn well try.

This cat could be your customer. If their entire body was covered in a soft, silky, delightful fur pelt.

As for jumping off the roof into cardboard boxes, it is fun as hell and I have no time to tell you about it this moment.

See ya, King Buzzsaw the Great (I have decided to increase my already out of control delusions of grandeur every day until my head explodes or the world ends).

Return of The King!

I decided to call this piece "Return of The King" for several reasons. The first being that I am a huge nerd. If you don't believe me ask me who my favorite harmonica players are and listen for the next hour as I gush about Mickey Raphael, Greg "Fingers" Taylor, James Cotton, Roger Crabtree, Little Walter, Big Walter Horton, Sonny Boy Williamson, Toots Thielman, Kim Wilson, Howlin' Wolf, Sonny Boy Wiliamson II, Grant Dermodee, etc.

Another reason I decided to title it ROTK is because I am in Forks, and this place just might kill me. So I declared myself king, and I am going to make myself a key to the city. In normal situations I would wait until I was given the key, but in Forks it is sink or swim, and I am not waiting. I need to get out of here my friends. In fact, on Friday I am going to go so far as to shave my hair off into a nice summer hair cut and if anyone mentions Twilight to me in a way that is not sarcastic or totally disrespectful (of Twilight) I will punch them in the face. I am OUT!

If you want to understand a bit more about why I have finally snapped. Look at this picture:

This is me as a woman. It is called "stress"!!!

The woman in the picture (who is me) is displaying the externally what I go through internally all day when I am in Forks...

 [I interrupt this piece to tell you that I just overheard the following: "and then he married a lesbian. Who was attracted to men." I am currently in the obscenely difficult to say quickly JT's Sweet Stuffs on the main drag of Forks. I will attempt to find out more about the lesbian, but it seems that they have moved on to talking about ice cream with their kids. Shit. I was VERY curious.]

Anyway, when I am not eavesdropping on ludicrous conversations, I am either getting ogled by Twilighters, talking to the cool oldtimers, or getting called a faggot by future Nobel prize winners in giant trucks. This all happens within minutes. I am on an emotional roller coaster that is unlike anything I have ever heard. And since I am terrible at charging people the amount of money I should, I am quite poor at the same time. At least the guy who was actually in the critically panned Twilight movie made 27 million reasons to make up for his lack of privacy. And I personally doubt that he gets called a fucking queer when he is spotted walking around. He also probably does not have people talking about how they should beat him up when he goes out for a drink. As for me, I take it in stride because I do things like capture on film the rednecks who are harassing me when they stick their genitals inside novelty foam hands and simulate sodomy with their buddies (they had been calling me a faggot all night).

Anyway, the fact of the matter is this. I have gone almost as far down the road as I need to go. The truth is that I have never in my life read a worse series of "books" than the Twilight Saga. I read a lot. In fact I have previously mentioned that not having a TV forced me to read pamphlets when my mom took away the books for bad behavior. So here is what is happening:

After I entertain the ladies of the Older Women's Group (Twilight group) at their prom tomorrow I am shaving off my hair. From that day on I will only speak of Twilight if I am making fun of Stephenie Meyer's crap writing. Of course I still think a lot of the fans are awesome so I will probably leave them alone. But when it comes to those shitty books, I am not holding back. My next entry will be about the overlooked reasons why the Twilight books are worse than garbage.
                                                  Love always, King Barnes of Forks