Catherine Hardwicke: "I told them to pretend they had diarrhea"

In an interview earlier today director Catherine Hardwicke was able to shed some light on her role in developing the vampire characters in the Twilight Saga. While critics have claimed that the brooding characters portrayed by Robert Pattinson, Jackson Rathbone, Kristen Stewart and others stiff and awkward due to poor acting, the director says it is not true.

"When we were in the pre-production phase of the movie I explained exactly what I wanted. These characters of Stephanie's are like loaded guns, ready to go off at any second. I knew I needed them to be slightly uncomfortable." So what did the director do? "I asked them to pretend they had diarrhea and that they were in a public place, miles from the bathroom." It seemed to work, as Pattinson and the rest were able to maintain an air of uneasy calm for the entire movie. "I think Rob took it the farthest. he was actually eating Metamucil with a bowl of high fiber cereal every morning!" So you are saying that R-Patz actually gave himself diareah in order to act? Talk about living the part!

Directors tricks are as common as dishwater, so the idea is not surprising. What is surprising is that it took so long to leak (no pun intended). "I kind of felt that I wanted to wait until they were almost done before I mentioned it." Hardwicke said via e-mail. "I thought that some of the fans might get grossed out if they thought about Robs clenched buttcheeks and the mess that might very well have occurred if he weren't such a good actor." From my perspective I think it is only fair!

After speaking with her I took the morning to watch scenes from Twilight and looking at it from this point of view totally sheds new light on Edward Cullen's brooding glares. Of course he is a little upset and uncomfortable! It is almost like he is trying not to eat his girlfriend. I was unable to get any information about how long Rob would go between bathroom breaks, but Hardwicke did say he would also drink coffee and hold his urine in when he was unable to get his bran.

How far did the young heartthrob take it? "At one point I had to call him in for an unscheduled scene so he had someone run to the store for Ex-Lax!" She laughed. Well, I am sure R-Pattz was finally able to laugh when the box office numbers came in! His method acting has made him the biggest star around! I can't wait to see what he does next!

Women Hate Kristen Stewart! IT'S BECAUSE THEY ARE JEALOUS!

Editors preface: When I wrote this piece I had no idea that it would get spread around the Internet like a BBC video of wild animals speaking in British accents, but somehow it has. I wrote it for no other reason than the fact that I thought it was true to some degree. That said, it is in no way something I am very passionate about. It was intended to be a humorous spin on an obvious phenomenon. I do not take this seriously, and neither should you. The truth is, I think it is kind of boring. Read on if you must, but let it be known, I feel that even my most mundane posts are funnier, more interesting, and generally sexier. Thank you. Buzzsaw 2/22/2011

In the past two years I have learned more than the entire 7 years I was working on my bachelor's degree. It has been a sort of unaccredited masters program in The Twilight Saga, and the social and economic effect it is having on society. Of course when I started I knew I would learn about how billions of dollars are spent on Twi-swag, that is a no-brainer. What I had no idea about, and what I should have already known, is that women in general are incredibly mean/cruel to their own. Maybe is that men are less likely to be deeply hurt by snide remarks and bitchy expressions. Even so, until I got into this and realized how mean women are to Kristen I was pretty naive!

When I was making my living posing for people as "The Genuine Fake Edward" and "Robert Pattinson's actual mock relative" occasionally people asked where Bella was. I assume that is because they wanted to kill her. By the second week (after I had posed with a ring proposing to an actual girl named Bella) I was calling all the girls who walked through the door Bella. It was simply a good business policy! Over the course of about 4 months I think I found a couple guylighters who liked Bella, and I heard about a lesbian who fancied her. Nothing more. I decided to dig deeper to find out why.

Most of the women who hate Kristin claim it is because of her acting. They say she is "the same in every movie" or that she just sucks. I have not ever seen Kristen in any other movie, so I don't know. I do know that she has managed to keep getting roles, so apparently even if she is as bad as they say, somebody is buying. Not that it matters. What I found suspicious is that all the women who "hate her acting" are also suspiciously in love with Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner...But women don't get JEALOUS do they?????!!!!!

My opinion is that yes, they are absolutely, irrevocably, and undeniably, jealous of Kristen. I have honestly seen postings on the internet where women (the ones who never show their picture) are making fun of her because she said John Steinbeck is her favorite author! It's crazy! They were saying that it made her dumb! I don't know about my readers, but these days a young person who even has a favorite author is a bit of a surprise. Not only that actors and actresses are notorious for being vacuous and stupid. Come on ladies, I won't make fun of you if you just admit that you are completely jealous! Please, just say it. I don't believe your lies, I don't even care.

So perhaps the women are right. Maybe she can't act. I don't know, when I see her in "On The Road" I will have a better idea. Either way, it won't do much good to hate her because you love Rob Pattinson. Let me give you a hint, you are not going to be his girlfriend. Ever. So whether or not Rob and Kristen are together, you better get used to it. Because if he gets married or has another girlfriend, I am sure you are going to say you hate her too. And it will be jealousy. I can imagine Rob marrying someone who is both beautiful, genius (Nobel Prize), and a humanitarian. The perfect woman. It wouldn't matter, jealous women would find all her flaws and create online communities to discuss it.

That is just how women can be. Vindictive and cruel. Usually much crueler to other women than men. As I mentioned, we don't care as much, and we are sort of stupid with picking up on stuff, so when a woman says something extra biting, we just might miss it. The nice thing is that women understand themselves. I am sure Kristen has read the nasty things that are said about her. It is probably why she acts like a bitch sometimes. If you were under that kind of scrutiny what would you do? I would personally create images and illusions. It is a pretty good way of keeping your own life private, while at the same time creating controversy and getting publicity. Anyway, the point of this piece is not to defend Kristen's acting, which I have hardly seen, but rather to get you women to admit you are jealous. Don't try to lie, because I don't believe you. Just grow up and say it. "I hate Kristen because I want to be her."

Editors note: From my experience I find that the most vocal opponents of K-Stew are married women. I would venture to guess that the reason they do not display their own pictures is because they are crazy looking. At best. Who their husbands are I do not know. Most likely you will find them on Peopleof walmart.com, shows like Cops, and perhaps at gay bars. I do not feel sorry for these women. I actually don't even feel sorry for Kristen. She is paid well, and probably has the sense not to care. All I want is for the haters to admit their jealousy. And perhaps hire a gigolo.