Summit Entertainment: Twihards Beware, Or Be Sued!

Fans of the Twilight series were given something to cheer about yesterday when a slew of unreleased still photo's from the latest movie in the series found their way into cyberspace. Some thought it must have been the work of rabid fan while most believed that it was a marketing ploy by the social retards at Summit Entertainment. The pictures which depicted among other things Taylor Lautner (Jacob Black, the series main fake native American) staring deeply into the eyes of Mackenzie Foy, his 11 year old love interest. A beautiful picture to be sure, but it seemed to ruffle the feathers of some of the folks at Summit. Over the course of the day they made press releases, which to their credit, showed some level of maturity by the end of the day. The first one went as follows:

From Summit Entertainment, LLC: The pictures that are being posted are LEGAL property of Summit Entertainment. They are not to be posted without prior permission, and as that permission has not been granted, we are demanding that they be removed. If the fans of The Twilight Saga want to ruin what we have worked so hard to create, we have no further choice but to sue. If our legal team finds evidence that these pictures have been posted we will take action. It seems that a lot of you bitches think we are blowing smoke up your ass, but rest assured we are not. To wit, in the past 24 hours we have sued 26 people, including 6 under the age of 18 and some old bitch who claims to "have cancer" whatever the hell that means. So if you don't want to feel the wrath, you better pull those pictures off and grovel at our feet. We are after all SUMMIT ENTERTAINMENT! WE MAKE HIT MOVIES! WE HAVE WON OSCARS! YOU ARE SWINE AND VERMIN! BOW TO ME! Sincerely, Rob Friedman, Summit Entertainment


Obviously this is sort of an "intense" way to tell the fans to back off, but like I said, Summit has never been known to have a lot of tact. In fact, coming from a company that often refers to it's Native American actors as "red injuns" in memos, I think Mr Friedman did alright. Of course, after the letter was sent to the ACLU and several other organizations, Summit started changing it's tune, not drastically, but enough. Here is the second press release:

To Whom it May Concern: Twilight fans, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? Are you just jealous? That's right jealous. Just because I eat lunch with Rob Pattinson and Taylor Lautner ON A REGULAR BASIS, does not give you the right to be such a bunch of ho's! The ACLU? Seriously? You think they are going to save you when you have STOLEN from us?! We will have to see about that! Again, if you post, email, or comment on any of the STOLEN pictures from the next BLOCKBUSTER HIT that Summit Entertainment is producing, I will find you, I will make you pay in ways you never previously imagined (even that sick bitch Stephenie Meyer could not imagine what I will do to you!)! In fact, after I sue your ass I am going to punish you in ways that make the KGB look like baby kittens! EVER HEARD OF WATER BOARDING???!!!!! Sincerely Rob Friedman, Summit Entertainment

Well despite the claims of lawsuits etc. it was only a matter of time before they were found out. An email was found that proves that Summit did in fact leak the pictures, here it is:

Hey Jim, you better get those damn stills online ASAP! I am worried that this damn movie is going top be a major bust unless you get something out there to stir up these sheep! A little sex would be nice! ;) Hey, and when you are posting them make sure you do it under a fake account this time, nobody is going to believe for a second that Jimthesportsnut is getting Breaking Dawn stills, make up some kind of chick name, like Robspetcougar or some bullshit. Then LEAK THE DAMN STILLS! This movie is totally bullshit and you know it, if they find out that NOTHING ACTUALLY HAPPENS we are going to be up shit creek with a turd for a paddle! GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR OR I WILL HAVE YOUR JOB! Thanks buddy, Rob F.

Of course after this was released (probably by one of the twiteen hackers), they had to sing a different tune, slightly. Here is the final press release:

OK Twihards, you had your little fun. I guess if you want to ruin the movie for yourselves it is fine by me. Just let it be known, we are Summit Entertainment, and we don't need you. In our opinion you are like parasites and if you won't go away, sure we will feed you some crumbs from the table of our KINGLY BANQUET! But seriously, get a life, we know Rob Patterson personally, AND YOU DON'T! Best regards Rob Friedman, Summit Entertainment

I don't know what all this means, but I am sure it will not be reflected in box office numbers when Breaking Dawn is released. As for Summit, I have built an alter and a shrine to them, the greatest film production company in the history of the world!

Women Hate Kristen Stewart! IT'S BECAUSE THEY ARE JEALOUS!

Editors preface: When I wrote this piece I had no idea that it would get spread around the Internet like a BBC video of wild animals speaking in British accents, but somehow it has. I wrote it for no other reason than the fact that I thought it was true to some degree. That said, it is in no way something I am very passionate about. It was intended to be a humorous spin on an obvious phenomenon. I do not take this seriously, and neither should you. The truth is, I think it is kind of boring. Read on if you must, but let it be known, I feel that even my most mundane posts are funnier, more interesting, and generally sexier. Thank you. Buzzsaw 2/22/2011

In the past two years I have learned more than the entire 7 years I was working on my bachelor's degree. It has been a sort of unaccredited masters program in The Twilight Saga, and the social and economic effect it is having on society. Of course when I started I knew I would learn about how billions of dollars are spent on Twi-swag, that is a no-brainer. What I had no idea about, and what I should have already known, is that women in general are incredibly mean/cruel to their own. Maybe is that men are less likely to be deeply hurt by snide remarks and bitchy expressions. Even so, until I got into this and realized how mean women are to Kristen I was pretty naive!

When I was making my living posing for people as "The Genuine Fake Edward" and "Robert Pattinson's actual mock relative" occasionally people asked where Bella was. I assume that is because they wanted to kill her. By the second week (after I had posed with a ring proposing to an actual girl named Bella) I was calling all the girls who walked through the door Bella. It was simply a good business policy! Over the course of about 4 months I think I found a couple guylighters who liked Bella, and I heard about a lesbian who fancied her. Nothing more. I decided to dig deeper to find out why.

Most of the women who hate Kristin claim it is because of her acting. They say she is "the same in every movie" or that she just sucks. I have not ever seen Kristen in any other movie, so I don't know. I do know that she has managed to keep getting roles, so apparently even if she is as bad as they say, somebody is buying. Not that it matters. What I found suspicious is that all the women who "hate her acting" are also suspiciously in love with Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner...But women don't get JEALOUS do they?????!!!!!

My opinion is that yes, they are absolutely, irrevocably, and undeniably, jealous of Kristen. I have honestly seen postings on the internet where women (the ones who never show their picture) are making fun of her because she said John Steinbeck is her favorite author! It's crazy! They were saying that it made her dumb! I don't know about my readers, but these days a young person who even has a favorite author is a bit of a surprise. Not only that actors and actresses are notorious for being vacuous and stupid. Come on ladies, I won't make fun of you if you just admit that you are completely jealous! Please, just say it. I don't believe your lies, I don't even care.

So perhaps the women are right. Maybe she can't act. I don't know, when I see her in "On The Road" I will have a better idea. Either way, it won't do much good to hate her because you love Rob Pattinson. Let me give you a hint, you are not going to be his girlfriend. Ever. So whether or not Rob and Kristen are together, you better get used to it. Because if he gets married or has another girlfriend, I am sure you are going to say you hate her too. And it will be jealousy. I can imagine Rob marrying someone who is both beautiful, genius (Nobel Prize), and a humanitarian. The perfect woman. It wouldn't matter, jealous women would find all her flaws and create online communities to discuss it.

That is just how women can be. Vindictive and cruel. Usually much crueler to other women than men. As I mentioned, we don't care as much, and we are sort of stupid with picking up on stuff, so when a woman says something extra biting, we just might miss it. The nice thing is that women understand themselves. I am sure Kristen has read the nasty things that are said about her. It is probably why she acts like a bitch sometimes. If you were under that kind of scrutiny what would you do? I would personally create images and illusions. It is a pretty good way of keeping your own life private, while at the same time creating controversy and getting publicity. Anyway, the point of this piece is not to defend Kristen's acting, which I have hardly seen, but rather to get you women to admit you are jealous. Don't try to lie, because I don't believe you. Just grow up and say it. "I hate Kristen because I want to be her."

Editors note: From my experience I find that the most vocal opponents of K-Stew are married women. I would venture to guess that the reason they do not display their own pictures is because they are crazy looking. At best. Who their husbands are I do not know. Most likely you will find them on Peopleof walmart.com, shows like Cops, and perhaps at gay bars. I do not feel sorry for these women. I actually don't even feel sorry for Kristen. She is paid well, and probably has the sense not to care. All I want is for the haters to admit their jealousy. And perhaps hire a gigolo.