Don't Question Your MOM!!!! The Buzzsaw Mommy Blog!!!

HEEEEEY!!!!!!! XOXO Missed you yesterday! MWAH!!!!! Anyway, this is mommy blog time and I realized I should introduce myself! My name is Trinity Diamond and this blog "belongs" to my idiot asshole ex "Buzzsaw"! he is such a jerk! Good thing he's dumb as a scorched turd and addicted to every drug! What happened was he got drunk and showed back up at my trailer looking for a piece of my sweet potato pie (SEX PEOPLE!) and after he "performed" for five of the dullest minutes of my existence, he passed the hell out! So I logged on here and changed his passwords! LOSER!!!!! But that is just business, let's get down to it girls! First off, I have been DYING to post a pic of the new ink I got with Onyx (MY SWEET, NEWLY EMANCIPATED 16 year old!!!!), OK, so I was also dying to say that! LOVE YOU BABY!!! Here is my sexy ass ink!

I am so taking Adyn and Kadyn to the gathering of the Juggalos this year!!!!

Alright, so back to my girl! The reason I didn't mommy blog yesterday was because we were all having a sexy time with Jello shots and we went to the court house and I signed the papers to emancipate Onyx! Yeah, I know, stupid move right? It hella cuts into the welfare I can get, but at the same time, I have an agreement with O that if she gets rich guy preggers (she is a hotty with a botty!!!) she will give me a cut! Right now she is really working on her doctor boyfriend to pay for a boob job! YOU GO GIRL! So that is basically it! What did I get my baby girl besides emancipation? Oh, just a WHOLE DRAWERFUL of Hello Kitty thongs!!! It goes awesome with the "schoolgirl" look she has been rocking lately! Turns out doctors are super into it! OK, enough about that, the twins have been more than a handful today, and I am thinking that it may have something to do with the Ritalin prescription I just got! I picked it up yesterday and today, only 15 hours later its half gone! Kadyn and Adyn are such little shits! Seriously, last night they were fighting over whether or not to watch Hardcore Pawn or Pawn Stars! If I weren't already drunk I would have beat the shit out of them! Luckily they usually end up just beating the shit out of each othheer. But really, they were all yelling and I'm like, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE AND GO THROW DONUTS AT CARS OR SOMETHING! And they were all, OH SHIT! THERE ARE TOTALLY A SHITLOAD OF FOODBANK DONUTS IN THE CLOSET! THANKS MOM! And off they went! God! It was so fucking nice when they left! Of course the little assholes stole my pack of smokes and I had to get Religious Larry from trailer 27 to drive me to Snuffy's and get more. It was fine but that fucking guy will use any excuse at all to TALK ABOUT THE FATE OF MY ETERNAL SOUL! Fuck! At least he smokes a lot so he has to shut up when he inhales! Fuck my fucking brain! Well enough about me! We had a BUNCH of questions from readers and I promised I would get to all of them! So without anymore fanfare!

IT'S MOMMY ANSWERS QUESTIONS TIME!!!!!!

what advice wld u five a mother of two children ages 2 and 5 who refuse to take naps during the day?
Charlene in Port Angeles

Thanks for asking girl! MWAH! Are you ready for it? I don't think so! Because I think I am probably one of the only mommies who will shoot straight and tell you to chloroform the little fuckers right to sleep! It works like a charm! One minute they are insisting on watching Puppies In Space for the hundredth time, next minute, rag over the nose and off to bed! It is so easy its crazy! And the ASSHOLES in the "INDUSTRY" will tell you things like "oh, it's so bad to chloroform your kids to sleep" and "ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE!" But have those fucking people WATCHED Puppies IN Space? IT BLOWS! I do too, really well actually, but that is a different story for a different mommy blog NEXT QUESTION!!!
Love The former Missus Buzzsaw (that guy is SUCH a DOUCHE!!!!) 

Dear Missus Ex Buzzsaw, Can a baby nurse off of anything with nipples? Can you discourse on inter-special wet nursing? 
Jessica in Seattle

OH GIRL! I am so glad you asked THE BIG QUESTION! And short answer? OH HELL YES! You know, I found out early on when Onyx was a little baby. To cut right to the chase, my little girl (WHO IS ALL EMANCIPATED NOW!!!!XOXO!!!!!) was conceived in the break room at The Poodle Dog Lounge in Tukwilla WA! I was a party party party machine (I was banging some guy, I can't really remember who but he had a sweet ass 8 Ball jacket)!!!! So the point is, after 9 months not drinking, I had some serious making up to do! because of that, when sh wanted to nurse I had so much booze in my tits that she had to nurse from Sadie my pit/lab mix, who luckily had just had a litter! So yes to question one (it is not very succesful with males nipples), and HELL YES to question two! NEXT QUESTION!!!!! XOXO
Love Buzzsaw's ex better half!

ONYX IT'S YOUR DAD!!!!

Temper tantrums in public places.
Ginni in Richland

Hey girl, is that a question? I don't see any question mark! OK, JK LOL! I know what you mean, and here is the answer! You WILL NOT stop this train. If one of my kids acts out in public, I'm out. Just last week Kadyn freaked the hell out in Walmart over some tee shirt of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson that I wasn't ABOUT to fuckin' buy him. So I left him crying and yelling and went and bought Adyn a meat ball sub. After about 15 minutes Kadyn finally shut the hell up and came to find us. I would have left his ass to walk or whatever (it's like 14 miles from the trailer court so he might have had to hitchhike or some shit). Anyway, this little powder keg don't have time to wait for whiny little bastards anyway. XOXOXO
Love Missus Ex-Buzzsaw

What is the best way to tell a guy you aren't interested in having kids? (sort of a dating question but still kid related). Onyx might need some advice on this since she's a busy little tramp, lol!!!
Jennifer in LA

OH HEY GIRL!!!! So you are one of THOSE PEOPLE huh? I could never understand it! What with all the money I make from welfare and child support it's a fucking dream life! I am not joking when I tell you I spend 75% of my time in the casino! It is AWESOME! And also I have such funny stories about my babies! Like the time Adyn stole a wallet from a guy I was fucking, spent the money on a potato gun, then stuffed dog shit in the wallet and left it on the corner and hid in the bushes watching people pick it up! He said it was funny as fuck! Personally I think it was rather clever, given the fact he was only 8 years old! So, seriously, what the hell is your asshole problem? As for Onyx, she is going to get doctor pregnant ASAP!!!
Love, Missus Ex B.

I already have a bearded dragon and a cat. Which one should I treat a baby more like?
Chris in Pittsburg

Oh Hey girl! I have a bearded clam and a pussie, and show them an equal amount of love! I think you should do the same you cad!
Love The one and only ex missus B

Um, yeah. Why do the women hold all the power?
Steve in Kirkland

Oh you know it! Because we are the best! Anymore silly questions? yeah, that's right, time for you to sit through another viewing of Barby Fairy Secret and suck it the hell up! Oh and buy your wife some jewelry or you ain't gettin' a damn thing!
Love, a higher power. A woman. 

How to steal from dead guys and impress women!

Being a man who is prone to obsessions, there are certain things I have spent many years thinking about. Burritos, and Jimmy Buffett are two of those things.

A life without passion is meaningless!

Really, the whole Centaur culture is fascinating!

Thus it should really come as no surprise that I have been thinking about stealing from dead people to impress women for 15 years at least. Probably the impetus of this thought was when I noticed that when a couple are in a relationship, it seems like one or the other was always "getting in trouble" for some stupid ass bullshit nobody would care about if they were single. Such as noticing a haircut, or remembering a 6 month dating "anniversary" (which are actually not possible you fucking dolts!)!!!!

Somehow I really started thinking about how women like flowers and most men think they are generally useless. I thought about it a lot. Finally I came to the conclusion that if flowers are what it takes to make a woman happy, then hell, it's easy so do it! But then reality kicked in. Fuck. Flowers are expensive, it would be much better to get them for free, but where? Of course being a bad boy, I figured you could go around at night and clip them from other peoples yards and parks. It would be free and they would be fresh. But on the other hand, it was a finite supply. You can't just keep stealing flowers out of parks willy nilly or you risk turning into a 1960's era Batman villain (The De-Florist?)!!! Plus people plant flowers in their yard to spruce the place up! It looks nice! You don't want to steal from the park too much because it ruins it for everybody. Anyway, I needed another solution I needed to take free flowers from a source that wouldn't miss them at all. Dead guys.

What do flowers have to do with dead guys you ask? Everything. Dead guys are the best free source of flowers you could get, it's a steady supply, and honestly you are taking better care of their legacy if you go to the source to get them. That's right, I am talking about taking flowers from dead guys grave sites and giving them to your girlfriend or wife. And I am telling you, this scheme is win-win!

To begin with let me go with what I know. Most dudes are not super into getting flowers for gifts. In fact never in my life have a met a man who was excited about flowers he got, or sad because he never got flowers. It just is not a thing. I can't speak for the male gays, they probably like flowers, but that probably is offset by the minority group of women who don't get excited about flowers. Trust me on this! Guys don't like flowers when they are alive, and they sure as fuck don't care about them when they are dead!

So let's bring it together. If you need flowers in a pinch, the best solution is to swing by a cemetery! Take a stroll through the headstones as if you are looking for a certain grave site. Keep your head down and walk slow so you look sad. What you are really looking for is fresh flowers. So when you see what looks like a fresh bunch, check and see if was a man or a woman. If it was a man, see if he went by his full name (Stephen, Patrick, or Jonathan etc.), see if he were married and had kids. If he seems heterosexual enough, look around to see if the family is in the immediate vicinity. If not, kneel as if you are praying for the dead guy. Then when nobody is looking pick those suckers up! Dead guy won't care and most likely the family won't be back the next day. So get on home to the woman and spend the money you saved on wine! It's obviously the best way to do things. Probably I would not tell the girlfriend or wife either because women seem to find things like this offensive on several levels. Personally I find wasting money offensive, so I can rationalize it that way. The End!

Notes: If you try this, please let me know how it works out. So far this is only a damn good theory, but I want my readers to know that I am only writing this stuff for them! Hope you found this helpful! Love Buzz!

Make this quick & Easy-Amarillo

Obviously I have been letting my love for craigslist die a bit this week, so I hopped on to see what was going on in Amarillo TX. Let me first tell you that if Craigslist is an indicator, the internet is a rare commodity in Amarillo. Either that or women. In the "Women seeking Men" section there were a grand total of three posts! Shocked I hopped over to the platonic section and was pleasantly surprised by this fine ad. It is a complex post, with a nice bouqet. Something that might need to be allowed the chance to breathe before you can take in the fruity tones and rich aftertaste. I particularly like the part about the "seizure problem." I expect that you will find this wonderful post as fascinating and pleasant as I did. If anyone is interested in texting him, I changed the number and if you contact me I can send the link with the correct one. Anyway, who says Buzzsaw doesn't love you? Peace!

make this quick and easy - 27 (amarillo)

Date: 2011-02-24, 5:46AM CST

Top of Form

Bottom of Form

I dont care about your gender or anything really. I want to get to know people and find things to do but one thing that makes it hard to get out and meet people is... I don’t drive, never have and never will due to a seizure problem that is not noticeable 99% of the time unless you are staring directly at me. If that’s too much to handle I won’t hear from you but otherwise I would love to talk. I am looking for dating and/or more but when you reply to this post I know your not and i can accept that. I have posted under the relationship section for that purpose but we can all use more friends so Why not post here as well? Exactly, no reason not to. After dozens of responses to this posting i realized I need to add some important info, although i have no problems with gays and a couple of my friends are lesbians so have no problem being friends with gays/lesbians as friends but I am strictly for females when it comes to dating or more. I post in this platonic section for the purpose of finding friends at the platonic level. most of my friends are females but cant go out as often as i would like to since they have kids. While Im all for more female friends, I should probably try to hang out with some more males too. anyways, if ur looking for just friends, go ahead and text me. text me 9o7 fiveseventhree twenty ninetynine if you would care to talk.

 Postscript: FYI, I also have no problem being friends with lesbians and gays. Buzzsaw

Catherine Hardwicke: "I told them to pretend they had diarrhea"

In an interview earlier today director Catherine Hardwicke was able to shed some light on her role in developing the vampire characters in the Twilight Saga. While critics have claimed that the brooding characters portrayed by Robert Pattinson, Jackson Rathbone, Kristen Stewart and others stiff and awkward due to poor acting, the director says it is not true.

"When we were in the pre-production phase of the movie I explained exactly what I wanted. These characters of Stephanie's are like loaded guns, ready to go off at any second. I knew I needed them to be slightly uncomfortable." So what did the director do? "I asked them to pretend they had diarrhea and that they were in a public place, miles from the bathroom." It seemed to work, as Pattinson and the rest were able to maintain an air of uneasy calm for the entire movie. "I think Rob took it the farthest. he was actually eating Metamucil with a bowl of high fiber cereal every morning!" So you are saying that R-Patz actually gave himself diareah in order to act? Talk about living the part!

Directors tricks are as common as dishwater, so the idea is not surprising. What is surprising is that it took so long to leak (no pun intended). "I kind of felt that I wanted to wait until they were almost done before I mentioned it." Hardwicke said via e-mail. "I thought that some of the fans might get grossed out if they thought about Robs clenched buttcheeks and the mess that might very well have occurred if he weren't such a good actor." From my perspective I think it is only fair!

After speaking with her I took the morning to watch scenes from Twilight and looking at it from this point of view totally sheds new light on Edward Cullen's brooding glares. Of course he is a little upset and uncomfortable! It is almost like he is trying not to eat his girlfriend. I was unable to get any information about how long Rob would go between bathroom breaks, but Hardwicke did say he would also drink coffee and hold his urine in when he was unable to get his bran.

How far did the young heartthrob take it? "At one point I had to call him in for an unscheduled scene so he had someone run to the store for Ex-Lax!" She laughed. Well, I am sure R-Pattz was finally able to laugh when the box office numbers came in! His method acting has made him the biggest star around! I can't wait to see what he does next!

SAG Blocks Pattinson from accepting role as firefighter!

It was widely reported that actor Robert Pattinson was involved in talks with the producers for the upcoming remake of Towering Inferno last week. It all came to a halt today as the Screen Actors Guild stepped in between the hunk and the production company, virtually begging them to abandon the collaboration. In a private meeting with the actor, SAG president Ken Howard personally asked Pattinson to give up the role. Our sources stated that when faced with the gravity of the situation the British actor agreed to do so saying “It just makes sense.” It seems that all parties came to agree about one thing. Robert Pattinson in a fire fighters uniform is something so sexy that the world isn’t ready for it!

“Do you REALLY think that anyone is going to stand in line for an Adam Sandler rom-com when we have Robert Pattinson running around in uniform?” Howard said at a press conference early this afternoon. “We have always known that women love a man in uniform. And when that man is R-Pattz, all the other movies released that month are going to flop! That’s why we asked him to decline the role.”

According to an SAG press release this is not the first time a lead actor has been asked to decline a role. In a similar case George Clooney was asked to turn down a role as Don Juan and it is widely reported that Megan Fox has agreed never to wear a nurse’s uniform in an SAG production. Interestingly, Russel Crowe and Ridley Scott were not reprimanded for producing Robin Hood, even though it’s viewers suffered an alarmingly high in theater suicide rate!

We lucky enough to speak with Pattinson and Clooney about the topic and both were refreshingly candid about the whole thing. “I guess you could say it wasn’t unexpected” Pattinson said while combing his fingers through his trade mark locks. “If you have seen my fans they are absolutely mad! I can imagine that if the movie had been made, every firefighter in the country would have loads of women lining up!” Of course we had a laugh about it, but the reality of it is that if the world got an epic movie starring Robert Pattinson as a fire fighter, absolutely nothing would get done.

“Who wants to go see another Pixar movie about farm animals when you have that going on?” George Clooney is waving a preproduction mock up of Rob in uniform at my nose. “I showed this to my 90 year old aunt and she was acting like a 12 year old.” Shaking his head he went on.  “In fact” Clooney said “Putting Rob Pattinson in a firefighters uniform is damn near equal to setting off a nuke. The man is sexy. AND I KNOW SEXY!” Coming from the 12 time world’s sexiest man this is a strong statement indeed!

According to the SAG release, the projected losses suffered by other productions would be around 3 billion dollars if this movie is made. “We just hated to do it, but it was the only choice.” Howard told us. “I know how good it would have been. That is my burden. It’s what makes my job so damn difficult. I know how good it would have been.” So do we. So do we.

Personally I hope that we still have a chance to see Robert Pattinson don the uniform, but I am afraid it will not be for a long while. The world is just not ready. Until that day comes we will have to be satisfied with what we have. But we can always hope!

Photo: Courtesy of Amanda Johnson, 2011

Any attractive, Christian women, who aren't alchoholics?

In a desperate attempt to pretend to work, I have been surfing Craigslist for the past couple of hours. I decided to do a Valentine's Day special. So if you are still single this is a must read. This posting is so alluring that it is sure to be successful. From the opening headline to the powerful ending, our author is pulling out all the stops. Read and enjoy:

·         Any good looking Christian women who aren't alchoholics?! A Valentine! - 26 (Sacramento)

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·         Date: 2011-02-13, 2:27PM

     

      I am an honest good guy. I have a job. I don't need to get hammered every night to have fun. I'm just looking for a girl who shares the same qualities. I come from a good family. I treat people with respect. I have a car. I'm athletic. I don't hook up with every girl I meet. I'm not a drug addict. If you are a decent girl who is looking for a good guy maybe we can chat. Please reply with "It's a good day" is your subject line. I'm not a creep and I'm not looking for a sexual encounter. Prefferably an attractice girl with some self respect who keeps her clothes on until she really knows a guy. Who knows.. maybe we will hit it off before Valentines day. P.S.. I will reply with some more real pictures if you do. I am not unattractive by any means. I'll let you be the judge of that. Just am kind of hesitant to post pictures of myself on here. Reply with a pic and I'll return the favor! Obviously, this posting starts out really specific. He is looking for attractive Christian women who are NOT, I repeat, NOT alcoholics! It makes sense because as soon as someone who falls into that demographic reads it, they are sure to respond. In his opening sentence he says "I am an honest good guy" I like that. I don't doubt it. I am sure the last booze-hound Episcopalian he dated walked all over him for it. In my heart of hearts I want this man to find true love. He strikes me as a truly wonderful man. Why do I think this? Because he has a job. Not only that he doesn't get rip roaring drunk every night! Probably every other, but not EVERY night! This is a man who cares about his family. AND OWNS A CAR! LADIES, START FORMING AN ORDERLY LINE! This guy is a saint! He is up front and honest about the fact that he doesn't sleep around too much! Not only that, if you are "attractice" and have enough self respect to keep your clothes on when you meet this hunk, you might get a second date. I am sure he has this policy because of the drunken hordes of ladies who have molested him after bible study or choir practice. This poor guy just wants someone special. He is NOT going to sleep with you. Even if in an inebriated state you read him your favorite bible passage. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! All he wants is for you to keep your clothes on. Get to know him. Put the liquor down. Maybe after church, when you sober up, he might take your top off. Probably not, but there is a chance. I know he wants to give you time to get to know him. He posted it today, he is hoping to find someone who clicks before Valentines day, which is tomorrow. In that time all potential candidates are required to put down the Fireball, pick up the bible, keep your clothes on and get to know this guy. Tomorrow, he will do you the honor of ravishing you after taking you out to Applebee's. It's your choice, you know what he wants. I will tell you this though, if you are a whiskey swilling Methodist who just wants to be a pole dancer for a living, you better stay the hell away. This man is a keeper.