Twiligh Saga: Breaking Wind (A positive review!)

Most "normal" film reviewers and bloggers will work themselves into a sweat drenched frenzy in order to bring their reviews to the readers before the readers actually watch the movie. Obviously as the owner of multiple websites, I simply cannot work like that. I am a gentleman of leisure, so fighting my way through a rabid pack of menopausal women to see a movie I knew was based on a terrible story was very low on my priority list. But I could not postpone the inevitable forever. To be totally honest, I was curious. Even among groups of rabid Twilight fans, most will admit that the book Breaking Dawn is a clusterfuck of poorly developed bad ideas and massive plot holes, mixed in with references to "pillow biting" and pedophilia lite. In short; adapting Breaking Wind is a screenwriters nightmare. I knew it would be dreadfully delightful.

This moderate fan has already seen it 78 times! She is also single.

Before we dive into the movie itself, I must first attempt to summarize the book for the uninitiated. Here it is in the fewest possible words: Edward Colon is a vampire and preening little twat; he lives with his "adopted" vampire family in the feral town of Forks WA. His adopted father is the night doctor at the hospital, who also looks like a runway model. Edward has two "brothers" and two "sisters" who are also "in high school" and also "openly boning" which of course is totally unnoticed by anyone in town. Edward is the only Colon who has no sex in his life, presumably expending his energy on mind blowing vampire masturbation sessions (he is 17 forever). It all changes when Fella Swan, the police chiefs daughter moves to town (her mildly retarded mother was hitting the road with a minor league baseball team). Suddenly Edward wants to eat/bone Fella. She just wants the sex part. Edward tells her that he has skin which is icy, and hard like diamonds (sparkles too); at this point everyone makes a joke about Fella Getting "cold cocked"; which is low hanging fruit to say the least, something author Stephenie Meyer seems determined to provide. Did I mention that there are also wolf human hybrids who "imprint" (sort of like falling in love at first site) and it doesn't matter whether it is reciprocated, or the imprintee is a baby? After something like 1,700 pages of uninteresting and non romantic romance, we come to Breaking Wind, where Fella Swan will finally become a Colon. They get married, go to Brazil for their honeymoon, and Fella gets impregnated. After that, the entire drama in the first part of the book hinges on the unlikely premise that the wolf boys (good guys) will kill Fella (the heroine) because she is pregnant with a half vampire. Also the baby is slowly killing poor Fella (did I mention that she is a huge bitch?). This brings us to the movie version of Breaking Wind...

Review: Twilight Saga-Breaking Wind, Part one
Score: 9/10

When reviewing the movie versions of The Twilight Saga, one must always consider the source material. Speaking for myself, I have never read a worse story with less likeable characters and more plot holes than The Saga. As such, to hire professionals and adapt it for the screen is to rub the proverbial honey on the proverbial shit. Polishing a turd. It is simply impossible to use any "writing" by Stephenie Meyer and create something of quality. That said, I think the crew has done a marvelous job in taking horrible and obnoxious characters and making them decent. Not likeable, but not nearly as bad as they are in the book. Breaking Wind was no exception. For those keeping score I attended with The Missus and The Child (in Noarlunga, South Australia).

High Points:

1) They had at least one good make-up artist
In the previous Twilight installments, the supposedly good looking Colon family has such a strong resemblance to rapist mimes that "look like transvestites". Breaking Wind is no exception, that is, until they have to show Fella Swan dying. By golly they nailed it! For about 30 minutes poor dying Fella looks as much like a dying crack head I was starting to fiend for drugs I have never tried! Every tiny vein was showing through her translucent skin and her bones were clearly visible. It was great!


2) Stephenie Meyer made an appearance
In 98% of the reviews, it has been pointed out that Stephanie Meyer is actually obsessed with her own fiction. Even the films stars have made mention of this fact. I love her little personal touches, because everything she touches ends up hilarious (unintentionally). Sadly I missed seeing it, and I will have to wait for the DVD because I am not going back to the theater.

3) The honeymoon was funny as hell
Awkward, and as neutered as one would imagine from a movie which had to have a PG-13 rating so its Mormon author could watch it (this is NOT a joke). The thing I always found amusing was that the Colon family (who are sworn to secrecy about their vampiric state on pain of death) have housekeepers come out to the island. Not just any housekeepers though, but housekeepers from a mountain tribe which believes in vampires. Naturally they are suspicious. I wonder if it ever occured to the sleepless Colons that they have plenty of time to clean, and it would be a lot more secretive if they took care of it themselves. Another highlight was when Fella Colon was swooning away in the bedroom while Mr Colon waited in the ocean (to cold cock her). It was at this moment when The Child spoke up: "She really likes her bed!" Thankfully I was not drinking anything at this point.

4) The Volturi
For those who have no idea what Twilight is, there are some characters in it called The Volturi. They are a council of I-talian vampires who are especially sinister and good looking. They look like this:

In the world of Twilight this is a badass. In the real world he promotes bondage parties and has a "no cocaine left behind" policy.

As you might imagine, it is nigh impossible to keep a straight face while the Volturi are on the screen.

5) It only took about 100 minutes of my time
Stephenie Meyer only writes books over 700 pages. Here is a sample of what that is like: "The fabric clung to his perfectly muscled chest. It was a colossal tribute to his face that it kept my eyes away from his body" which of course is fairly standard for all 2,400 pages in the entire series. I am not entirely sure, but I think she used the phrase "perfectly muscled chest" upwards of 20 times. Needless to say the books are like undergoing surgery with a shot of whiskey and a leather strap to chew on when pain gets too intense. The movies thankfully are much shorter.

6) Science: Twilight Style
Because the fetus/baby was half vampire it wanted to drink blood. So in typical Stephenie Meyer style, the characters "solved" the problem in a really stupid way which would not have worked at all. They had (human) Fella Colon drink human blood, which using their combined brain power, they concluded would "feed the baby blood" sadly, even the "doctor" agreed this was true. What they failed to understand is that the baby would still be getting fed with digested food, so it would not matter what protein she ate, and she could even drink animal blood without the baby becoming any the wiser.

7) Renesmee
The birth scene is famous in the books because the baby is breaking Fella Colon's back and shit (due to its incredible stremf. The Child got scared so we covered her eyes. When the baby popped out, she started laughing though.

"That baby needs a wash! They need to clean it up a bit! Hahahaha!" She was right. Also they named the baby Renesmee, which makes me feel like gouging out my eyes just reading it, let alone saying it. One nice touch in the movie was the wink and nod the screenwriter gave this when they discussed what an ugly name it is. I recall Robert Pattinson looking down when he said he liked it. I am sure he was having trouble not laughing. Also Jacob the wolf boy "imprints" on the baby, so there is the pedophilia again.

8) I got my I-Phone back
The day after the movie I realized that I had left my I-Phone somewhere. This of course made me hopping mad, as I have limited funds. Luckily, someone had found it and turned it in at the theater, so later that day I recovered it.

This may be a slightly unconventional positive review, but hey, when you have a 26% positive review rating on Rotten Tomato's you take all the help you can get!

Summit: You Broke Their Hearts! (And They Leaked The Pics!)

In an attempt to understand the controversy behind the latest Twilight debacle (this time the "illegal" leaking of movie stills by the production company) I have found the real press release that explains exactly how saddened they are. It reads as follows:

As some of you may know, pictures and screen grabs of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn as a work in progress have leaked on the internet. We are extremely proud of this film and also extremely heartbroken to see it out there at this stage. The film and these images are not yet ready or in their proper context. They were illegally obtained and their early dissemination is deeply upsetting to the actors, the filmmakers and Summit who are working so hard to bring these movies to fruition to you in November 2011 and November 2012. Please, for those who are posting, stop. And please, though the temptation is high, don’t view or pass on these images. Wait for the film in its beautiful, finished entirety to thrill you. Sincerely, Stephenie Meyer, Bill Condon, Wyck Godfrey and Summit Entertainment
—Summit Entertainmnet

Well that is just terrible. What upsets me the most is that it had to be EMPLOYEES OF SUMMIT who leaked them. That is right. The sets are closed, so how in the world could it have leaked from an outside source? I have heard claims that some 14 year old Twihard from Australia hacked into Stephenie Meyer's computer, but that doesn't even make a good story, let alone a convincing lie! Come on Summit, if you want me to believe you, can you at least give me something to chew on? I can think of at least ten better ways explain the leak. How about blaming it on nerds who love Harry Potter and hate Twilight. There are loads of them, and they are probably all better with computers than most Twilight fans. As it stands, the press release just makes Summit look dumb. From the schedule of film releases, and other odd marketing tactics, summit should already be under scrutiny for this, if not blamed entirely and ignored. Let's take a look at some of the red flags that have gone up along the way.

First, Robsten. Whatever the hell the relationship between Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart is, the connection with Summit is undeniable. Let it be known, I could give a shit less whether it is real, but it is mighty suspicious that they have been thrown together as lovers since their audition. Now, they might be, but the whole controversy has certainly been lucrative for Summit, there is no denying.

Another fact that undeniably links Summit with retarded ploys to gain hype was when The Hurt Locker was nominated for an Oscar. Producer Nicolas Chartier was barred from the Academy Awards ceremony for sending out an e-mail begging voters to vote for him. The film went on to win a bunch of little gold statues of naked men, resulting in Summits only critical success (sorry Twihards, but your movies have been nominated for multiple Razzies). In my opinion, this is just another reason that Summit is suspect.

Lastly, lets look at the early leaks from the Brazil film location. It confuses me that they could film on a private island, and yet, somehow, pictures were leaked. Did they not require all staff to be searched prior to the filming? If not, I hardly care that someone supposedly leaked photo's. Of course I read statements prior to the shooting that said they would take all cameras etc, so either they are really bad at taking camera's or, what is more likely, they wanted to hype the movie by putting a few random photo's online so the fans could drool. In my opinion, the latter is much more likely.

Why would they need to hype up the final installment in a blockbuster series you ask? Well I can think of several reasons. First, they are waiting for a year before the release of Breaking Dawn. The other films were released closer together, thus keeping the hype machine rolling. With this one, they were probably worried about losing steam. Second, for anyone who has read the book Breaking Dawn, it is possibly the worst and most boring book in existence. I have had the chance to meet and speak with many Twilight fans, and rarely do I hear that Breaking Dawn is a favorite in the series. It is utterly rediculous, and since essentially nothing happens except some sex scenes and a baby delivery, the producers (mostly men I am sure) were worried that people might figure this out. So release some pictures. It is harmless.

In closing, from my perspective, the Twilight films and Summit are actually capitalizing on the cast more than the stories. Of course people talk about the story to some degree, but it seems that they talk about the cast just as much if not more. I would be willing to bet that there are a lot more Robert Pattinson fansites than Edward Cullen fansites, and that is just the tip of the iceberg. So believe them if you will, but I think you are being duped if you do. It is Summit after all! They are the true turds of Hollywood!

Note: The whole thing smells of a rat akin to the inept merketing ploy used by aging rockers Buckcherry in 2008. They published an indignant press release saying that someone "leaked" their song "Too Drunk" onto a torrent sharing site. They were found out. The same will happen with Summit.

Summit Entertainment: Twihards Beware, Or Be Sued!

Fans of the Twilight series were given something to cheer about yesterday when a slew of unreleased still photo's from the latest movie in the series found their way into cyberspace. Some thought it must have been the work of rabid fan while most believed that it was a marketing ploy by the social retards at Summit Entertainment. The pictures which depicted among other things Taylor Lautner (Jacob Black, the series main fake native American) staring deeply into the eyes of Mackenzie Foy, his 11 year old love interest. A beautiful picture to be sure, but it seemed to ruffle the feathers of some of the folks at Summit. Over the course of the day they made press releases, which to their credit, showed some level of maturity by the end of the day. The first one went as follows:

From Summit Entertainment, LLC: The pictures that are being posted are LEGAL property of Summit Entertainment. They are not to be posted without prior permission, and as that permission has not been granted, we are demanding that they be removed. If the fans of The Twilight Saga want to ruin what we have worked so hard to create, we have no further choice but to sue. If our legal team finds evidence that these pictures have been posted we will take action. It seems that a lot of you bitches think we are blowing smoke up your ass, but rest assured we are not. To wit, in the past 24 hours we have sued 26 people, including 6 under the age of 18 and some old bitch who claims to "have cancer" whatever the hell that means. So if you don't want to feel the wrath, you better pull those pictures off and grovel at our feet. We are after all SUMMIT ENTERTAINMENT! WE MAKE HIT MOVIES! WE HAVE WON OSCARS! YOU ARE SWINE AND VERMIN! BOW TO ME! Sincerely, Rob Friedman, Summit Entertainment


Obviously this is sort of an "intense" way to tell the fans to back off, but like I said, Summit has never been known to have a lot of tact. In fact, coming from a company that often refers to it's Native American actors as "red injuns" in memos, I think Mr Friedman did alright. Of course, after the letter was sent to the ACLU and several other organizations, Summit started changing it's tune, not drastically, but enough. Here is the second press release:

To Whom it May Concern: Twilight fans, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? Are you just jealous? That's right jealous. Just because I eat lunch with Rob Pattinson and Taylor Lautner ON A REGULAR BASIS, does not give you the right to be such a bunch of ho's! The ACLU? Seriously? You think they are going to save you when you have STOLEN from us?! We will have to see about that! Again, if you post, email, or comment on any of the STOLEN pictures from the next BLOCKBUSTER HIT that Summit Entertainment is producing, I will find you, I will make you pay in ways you never previously imagined (even that sick bitch Stephenie Meyer could not imagine what I will do to you!)! In fact, after I sue your ass I am going to punish you in ways that make the KGB look like baby kittens! EVER HEARD OF WATER BOARDING???!!!!! Sincerely Rob Friedman, Summit Entertainment

Well despite the claims of lawsuits etc. it was only a matter of time before they were found out. An email was found that proves that Summit did in fact leak the pictures, here it is:

Hey Jim, you better get those damn stills online ASAP! I am worried that this damn movie is going top be a major bust unless you get something out there to stir up these sheep! A little sex would be nice! ;) Hey, and when you are posting them make sure you do it under a fake account this time, nobody is going to believe for a second that Jimthesportsnut is getting Breaking Dawn stills, make up some kind of chick name, like Robspetcougar or some bullshit. Then LEAK THE DAMN STILLS! This movie is totally bullshit and you know it, if they find out that NOTHING ACTUALLY HAPPENS we are going to be up shit creek with a turd for a paddle! GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR OR I WILL HAVE YOUR JOB! Thanks buddy, Rob F.

Of course after this was released (probably by one of the twiteen hackers), they had to sing a different tune, slightly. Here is the final press release:

OK Twihards, you had your little fun. I guess if you want to ruin the movie for yourselves it is fine by me. Just let it be known, we are Summit Entertainment, and we don't need you. In our opinion you are like parasites and if you won't go away, sure we will feed you some crumbs from the table of our KINGLY BANQUET! But seriously, get a life, we know Rob Patterson personally, AND YOU DON'T! Best regards Rob Friedman, Summit Entertainment

I don't know what all this means, but I am sure it will not be reflected in box office numbers when Breaking Dawn is released. As for Summit, I have built an alter and a shrine to them, the greatest film production company in the history of the world!

It's been a weird year (2010 top 10)

Hello friends, I apologize for my lack of work on this here BS report, but I have been rather busy these last couple of weeks. I have been so busy that I can't even think of anything funny. At least nothing worth writing about. So I am putting this together to highlight a great strange year. It will be two parts, a top ten list of 2010:

10. Finishing my album "Devil in The Tim Shop" has got to be on this list. I started this project in May when I recorded guitar, vocals and harmonica for ten songs in my kitchen with my friend Caleb Baker of Troubador Studios, Portland Oregon. We then recorded background vocals, bass and violin at another house in north Seattle. This was done while I was doing a welding job, setting up to go to Forks, moving out of my house, and playing a gospel concert at Seattle Folklife Festival. We did two hours of electric guitar stuff in early October in Portland. I then got the call that there was time this past week to record. So I went down and recorded three new songs and overdubbed a bit more. The rest of the time was spent mixing and editing. Here is the link: http://www.reverbnation.com/ianbuzzsawbarnes

9. Taking a trip to the southlands to go on a major Twilight destination vacation/work trip. I have always wanted to visit the south so when I was given the opportunity to take a trip down with a tough Aussie twi-mum and my buddy Lando, I took it. We got to meet friends old and new. We saw the studio where they are filming Twilight: Breaking Dawn. We found another film location and I had someone walk off his job at risk of being fired because he thought I was Robert Pattinson. I also got Twidentified by a guy with one leg and a pot leaf hat in Austin TX. I flew from Austin to Seattle and landed in the middle of a snow storm.

8. Inventing the word "twidentified". It has really saved me a LOT of time. Especially since I am writing a book about all the experiences which come with being very much twidentified. While we were in Portland I was twidentified by a stoned hippy. She was a total Twilight fan, even going to Forks. Another funny thing is that my friend and engineer/co-producer Caleb calls it "Itwinified" he has also been known to say "twitified." For the past few days I have been using "itwinified."

7. Making enough money, by hook or by crook to survive without "working for the man." As someone who knows he is terrible at running a business, the very idea of cashing out all my investments to move to Forks was a little daunting. The fact that my family thought I was crazy (literally, details in the book) and my friends though Twilight was ridiculous didn't help. At the same time I believed I had a story to tell and somehow I survived. I want to thank everyone who bought a picture, put money in the tip jar, or simply gave me some food. It is because of your generosity that I can write to you now.

6. The only thing better than being crazy enough to quit your job, invest in a photo booth, drive to an LA movie premier, then move to the middle of nowhere to set up shop, is finding someone crazy/stupid enough to join you! My little buddy Lando, that fat little blob, was just the guy. If not for him, I would probably have either gone crazy, been killed, or been wildly successful. All the time I was in the spotlight, he was watching and listening. He helped me get my computer stuff going, and pretty much maintained sanity. He is a very talented guy, so check out his work: http://www.flickr.com/photos/landotrud/

Have a great Christmas, Buzzsaw