Tales of the real life Beastmaster!!!!

The lifeless form of the doe lay stretched in front of me on a hard wooden pallet.
I jumped when I saw it, before breaking into a string of Tourette’s-like muttered cursing. This was the handiwork of The Beastmaster, there was no question. Otherwise known as RoadKill Randy Lisdt, he was the only person insane enough to do this. It was 6 am, and I had better things to do than try and explain to my boss how a road kill deer came to be lying on our cool room floor.  Infuriated at the audacity of the man we called The Beastmaster I walked outside into the cool Santa Cruz morning to wait for the head cook to arrive…

This guy is much cooler than The Beastmaster in this story.

Between the ages of 19 and 22 I spent my summers working at Mount Hermon Christian Conference Center in the hills outside of Santa Cruz CA. Those were the halcyon days of youth, walking in the deep silence beneath the towering redwoods, causing untold mayhem with golf carts and custodial supplies, not to mention meeting my musical hero’s at places like KPIG radio. Up until the present day, it was the furthest I had ever lived from home and home to many vivid memories, most of them fond.

The first time I met The Beastmaster was at a BBQ on the recreation field by the main conference center. I was a custodian that year, my first, and one of our jobs was to empty the trashcans after the BBQ. It was an easy gig because you just had to sit on your ass until it was over. So there I was, 19 years old, eating steak in the Santa Cruz Mountains, when a legend crossed my path.

The Beastmaster was a bald man with a white beard, an egg shaped head and a rotund belly. He wore shorts most of the time to show off his great legs (he had really toned calf muscles). I was at a table near the BBQ’s when he came by and got some food. We casually struck up a conversation. He was a charismatic old bastard, the kind of guy with a story about everything. Soon he was telling me about his days coming home from the army, when he just hitchhiked around in his uniform and all the girls who were into him.

We talked for probably half an hour before everyone had cleared out and I could assume my duty. All I knew was that his name was Randy and that he seemed nice. Interestingly, Matt the guy I was working with asked who he was. Apparently he thought he was my grandfather because we were conversing so casually for so long. Today, I shudder to think at the idea of The Beastmaster being even a distant cousin (though I could probably write a fairly entertaining book if he were).

Looking back, there were a lot of red flags from that first conversation. To begin with I have no recollection of The Beastmaster doing anything other than talking about himself. As someone who likes to tells story’s, often about my own experiences, I work very hard to ask questions about other people when I am in conversations because I can very easily take over conversations. In my later dealings with The Beastmaster he made no attempt to do this, a trait I now associate with con artists and weasel dicks. Additionally, when old guys go out of their way to tell you they used to be a hit with the ladies, it should be an immediate warning sign. At the time my naïveté was charming I suppose.

That was the last I saw of The Beastmaster for a couple years, except in passing. His wife worked at the conference center, so he popped up occasionally. Then in 2000 I decided to stay on through the winter because I could get work quite easily. I started working with a welder named Randy (this is crazy ex acid using Randy, who was pretty cool actually). After a series of incidents during which a truck I was driving caught fire and burned up, I got food poisoning and I cut myself badly and went to my own doctor to get stitches because Hippie Randy was out and not answering his phone I was laid off. Actually I was glad sort of. But being in between jobs was no good, and with bills to pay, my friends Bill and Patrice suggested I help Randy work on his remodel project, which I thought was a perfect idea.

By now, even though I did not work directly with Randy, I had learned more about him. He worked teaching natural science at Ponderosa Lodge (the camp at the top of Mount Hermon), where he earned the moniker “Roadkill Randy” due to his consumption of road kill. He often encouraged school children and coworkers to do the same, though most or all declined.

This seemed more comical than anything else. What seemed more sinister was that he was living in a house he was trying to remodel. This is fine if you knock out a bathroom or something and immediately get going and finish it. Randy unfortunately was the type to gut an entire house then work on everything.

When I started he had me packing bundles of composite roofing up a ladder. It was hellish work, and I distinctly remember being exhausted when I finished. Carrying 80-pound loads up a ladder does a number on your calf muscles to say the least.  The job didn’t last more than 5 hours or so, and we had finished by mid-morning. Randy invited me in for a glass of water and to pay me, and it was then that I started to become aware of how much of a bastard he actually was.

When we walked into the kitchen there was his wife, washing her hair in the sink. She gave a look that would have made flowers wilt. It was highly embarrassing for everyone but The Beastmaster. Of course he didn’t care, he had probably ripped out the shower months before in one of his work frenzies (these type of guys can really get shit done when they are “on”). In fact the whole house had been demolished, with bare wood for floors, and exposed framing everywhere. He clearly did not believe working in phases, or in making sure his wife (the one with the full time job) was comfortable. That moment in the kitchen was the beggining of the end. Even though I had known Mrs Beastmaster for years, there was an awkwardness between us and we could not speak to each other. As for her husband, the veneer was shattered completely, but it would be ground to a powder in the months to come.

That was the first day, and things progressively got worse. The next Tuesday when it was lunchtime, he decided we would go up to Ponderosa Lodge to grab a bite. This was fine with me, I had a lot of friends working there, and to be honest I would much rather talk with them than the damned Beastmaster! What I didn’t know was that he was also planning on taking 5 gallons of leftover chicken soup and 50-60 grilled cheese sandwiches (made from white bread and pasteurized processed cheese food). Of course since I was his minion it was my duty to carry the buckets out to his truck after lunch.

Now when it comes to being poor I am well versed. I am not worried about sleeping on the ground, or scrounging a free meal. What bothered me (aside from my friends seeing me having to carry the buckets for this prick) was a grown man with a job taking food simply because it was free. I can see taking a few sandwiches for a snack later or lunch the next day, but this was insane! By my rough estimate he would have been eating about 7 to 10 grilled cheese sandwiches a day, not to mention 4 bowls of soup! Of course you must remember, Randy got free lunch everyday, so this was all for dinner!

Later I was asking my friends who worked there if he always did that, they confirmed my suspicions. It was hinted (by me) that he was actually using the sandwiches as siding since the cheese food was not biodegradable. By this point I could not bring myself to even look at his poor wife. If only I knew just how crazy things were going to get!

It was during the December school break that my friend Zac Johnson and I worked with The Beastmaster together. It made things a lot easier having someone there to confirm the insane shit the man did and said. One classic quote came after he was hurling abuse at us for listening to KPIG, one of the best roots radio stations in the world.

It is my opinion that when working or participating in activities with others that some diplomacy must be practiced when it comes to music. I can tolerate most things for a while in the name of peace, if I must. If given control of the radio I will usually try to find a happy medium. In this case there were three of us. Two of us were fans of KPIG and its eclectic roots and rock format, and Randy certainly wasn’t.

On this particular day we were installing dry wall in his vaulted ceiling and insulation in the attic. It was tough work, and the upbeat music was keeping us together, barely. The Beastmaster though, could not stop bitching. Every single song that came on pissed him off and reminded him how terrible our taste was. Which he was quite vocal about. This went on for half an hour before he suddenly switched stations on us without warning.

As I mentioned, I can listen to almost anything. Except the crazy ass station he put on. I thought I knew all the stations in the area, but I was wrong. One had slipped past me in a big way. It was the sort of station they use to induce comas on trauma survivors. If Lawrence Welk had the misfortune to stumble upon it he would have punched it in the genitals for boring him. Abruptly, we were trying to install sheet rock to the inspiring sounds of Bing Crosby and Mel Torme!

To be honest, I think The Beastmaster’s musical choice probably cost at least $25 in labor due to our dramatic drop in pace. We had been struggling to install the damn sheets on the 12-foot ceiling, now we were simply struggling to stay awake. That is when The Beastmaster dropped the bomb!

It had been about half an hour when a song came on that sounded like all the rest. Fucking boring. It was called “Torn Between Two Lovers.” Immediately, The Beastmaster started freaking out. He was pounding his fist into his palm and his face started to redden.

“I hate this song!” He muttered as he stalked over and jabbed at the stereo with his finger to turn it off. “My ex-wife played that song right before she left me!” He said shaking his head. He walked into the unfinished shower and started some completely new project in a sort of stupor.

Zac and I exchanged terrified looks with each other and as soon as the opportunity arose, we excused ourselves for the day. It was bad enough to know that one woman had been stupid enough to marry the bastard, but to try and picture someone who was torn between him and literally any other human was too much. The Beastmaster was terrible!

Our working relationship with Randy was deteriorating by the day. Zac and I were worried that he would try and get out of paying us. Besides that, we had been shifted away from the upper portion of the house to the insane asylum, which was the basement. At one point The Beastmaster had me crawling deep under his ramshackle shanty to put insulation into his floor cavity. It was bad enough that it was patch dark and I barely fit, but this was Santa Cruz; earthquake country.

I started to think about the big one. What if it hit while I was down there and all the grilled cheese gave way?!!! I could be crushed to death in a heartbeat and I was damn sure Randy wouldn’t try to save me! It was just as likely he would try to eat my still warm corpse with a bowl of chicken soup! Yes this was bad, but what took it to the next level was the cat shit. I was working in a litter box! The smell was so bad that I almost pretended to be done, knowing damn well The Beastmaster couldn’t get his fat ass into that crawl space. It is to my credit that I finished the job.

The very last day we worked for him was typical as everything else. He had sent Zac and I down to the basement to reorganize or something. Since he was working upstairs we turned on KPIG. He would come down and bitch, change the channel and leave. By this point we didn’t care if he fired us, so we would switch it back. The next time he came down, he changed the station, and disconnected a large pipe. It did not take long or an advanced degree to realize that it was a sewage pipe! The smell was nauseating.

We struggled away, hoping he would come back down and put his shit spout back together, but he never showed up. We switched the radio back to KPIG and soldiered on. Finally, Zac had enough and he went to go ask Randy to put it together again, but he came back a few minutes later to tell me that Randy was gone. We packed it up right there and left The Beastmaster with a note that had each of our hours listed on it. Our pay didn’t come until a couple weeks later after we had complained a few times. Neither of us ever worked for him again.

My work situation improved a couple weeks later when I got hired as a full time cook at Ponderosa Lodge. It was much better to be working with my friends and also to get paid regularly. It had the added benefit of letting me observe The Beastmaster in his migratory pattern as well. Oddly, though everyone who worked with him knew he was insane, they didn’t know just what an asshole he was. It was obvious when I heard through the grapevine that some of the naturalists were going over to his house for a “Sheetrock Party!” To my credit I held my tongue until the rubes were out of hearing.

Nobody on the kitchen staff liked The Beastmaster. His attitude was off-putting as were his assumptions about getting to take food home with him. If he would have been nice nobody would have cared and this story would be excruciatingly boring.

One Tuesday I was cleaning up well after lunch, when I noticed that there were stacks of grilled cheese strewn haphazardly across the counter. I am not too stupid (though I do get into really stupid situations on occasion). It was obvious that The Beastmaster wanted to save them, but by this point I didn’t care. If the bastard wanted the damned sandwiches he should have packed them up after lunch. As it was, we were responsible for cleaning the dishes and the counter, and saving 75 grilled cheese sandwiches, was far from a priority.  So I swept them into a bin where they made a satisfying thud, and I finished cleaning up the kitchen.

About an hour later The Beastmaster arrived. He was incensed at the loss of his free sandwiches! His ruddy face blackened with rage and he was waving his pudgy fingers with a pathetic futility. I ducked into the dish room, just as my friend Jason snapped into action. A veteran street-fighter, though long since retired, he banished Randy from the kitchen saying “Get out of here with that attitude!” The Beastmaster left deflated and defeated, and the kitchen staff all felt quite good about that. Of course, this is not the end.

It was early in the springtime when I arrived at 5:50 for my 6am shift. Needless to say I was tired. The kitchen was dark, so I went first to the lights, and second to the coffee machine. I drank my coffee, soaking in the silence and generally trying to wake up, quite possibly clearing my head of an alcohol induced fog. After a couple minutes, I walked towards the walk-in refrigerator to get the juice made for breakfast; another easy job.

I pulled the heavy door open, and took my first step, but something was wrong. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something dark on the ground. Looking down, I was so shocked that I jumped in fright! Lying on a pallet in the middle of the cool room was the stiff form of a full-grown doe deer! I could not believe the audacity The Beastmaster had! Not only was it unsanitary, but keeping a road kill deer in a commercial kitchen is highly illegal. I shudder to think what a health inspector would say, NOT TO MENTION THE PAYING CUSTOMERS!!!!! Fuming, I went outside to wait for one of the other cooks to arrive.

It was funny to me, but nobody else was that shocked by the whole thing, and for the rest of the day we stepped over the remains when we needed something in the refrigerator. Always careful to keep the door closed enough that nobody but our staff could see in. I went home assuming it would be taken care of. Imagine my consternation when I got to work the next day and found the deer was still there!

By this point, the deer was highly questionable. It hadn’t been gutted, and who knew what kind of internal injuries it might have suffered. To be honest, if I hit a deer I would have no problem eating it if it was fresh, but this was a random carcass with its organs intact. By this point the rest of the staff were not too pleased with the Beastmaster.

On the third day I arrived to find that the corpse had been pulled outside to the loading dock. It was gross but at least the damn thing was out of the refrigerator! It lay cooking in the 80-degree heat while we went about our business. The body remained outside for another day or more before it finally disappeared without a trace.

Since it was clearly inedible, I assumed that animal control had been called. When my boss Steve told me that The Beastmaster had taken it I was dumbfounded! But it gets better! The crazy ass Beastmaster not only took it home and ate it, but he offered it to Steve! When he came through the next time to get grilled cheese someone asked him about it and he replied with relish that it “Made a delicious stew!”

Thus ends my personal journey with Randy “The Beastmaster” Lisdt, he moved away from Mount Hermon a couple years later and died of heart failure soon after. At least that’s what they said, though it’s quite possible he died of “being a bastard.”

As the rest, when I left California on September 12^th 2001 I lost touch with Steve, he was one of the best bosses I ever had. Jason went through a rough patch and ended up losing his job, which he said was actually a good thing when I spoke to him last summer.

Zac Johnson and I kept in touch fairly regularly though. I would come down to visit him, and he came up to Seattle a couple times as well. It was always good to see him, it seems like he was always smiling about something. He got married to a cool woman named Hollen, and I got to be friends with her. The last time I saw him was at 6 in the morning when he was dropping me off in his hippie van after a night of drinking and camping which makes a whole story of its own.

That was in June 2007. In September I got a call telling me Zac had been killed on his motorcycle while passing someone around a curve. I dedicate this, and all of my work to his memory.

Starving Artists

Currently, with my situation of having $0 things feel sort of desperate. I am not allowed to work here in Australia, this is frustrating given the copious bogans I encounter who clearly have no intention of ever working harder than basic Centrelink fraud. Even so, being an adult, I have tried to come up with my own solutions, ie. selling my music gear etc. In recent days I decided to invest money to get my album on Itunes, and have been getting exellent stuff from the class I am taking at the Australian Radio School. Nothing will be accomplished without taking risks. Even if it means investing in your business when you know you can't afford it. So imagine my surprise when I hopped on Craigslist for old times sake and immediately found the following:

Do you want to help a starving artist buy a motorcycle? - 31 (Hollywood)

It's $8000. I really really want it. Badly! I'll do almost anything. C'mon you wealthy people..I'd help a guy like me out in a heartbeat if I had the money.

About me:

I'm an actor, musician, assistant, nanny.

Life goals / why you should help me:

I'm trying to do things that no one else can think of, have an effect on people, end oppression as much as one person can, and ultimately make the world better. I'm actually considering doing a fundraiser online on Kickstarter to raise money to get a motorcycle and go on a trip and make a documentary about bigfoot and disappearances in national forests...visit some indians, places where people have disappeared. I'm not stuck on the idea. If you have an idea, shoot. Maybe I'm just dreaming here, but there's got to be someone out there who will listen to me...maybe not here on craigslist, but somewhere.

I assumed it was posted by a man, but she does look hungry!

Holy hell! This is someone who is so tired of having his dreams kicked in the balls that he has taken action! He knows what he needs and is not afraid to ask complete strangers! His pluck is something to be admired, and I feel strongly/very strongly that he will succeed. What rich person in their right mind isn't cruising Craigslist just looking to buy an $8,000 motorcycle for an actor/musician/nanny to ride around while looking for bigfoot? It is an INVESTMENT! I strongly believe in this person, even with the lack of portfolio, name, or known sex. When you believe in what you are doing, you must take risks, such as posting on Craigslisty asking for money.

Realtime notes: Space Buddies:Puppies In Space!

The Following are real notes taken during back to back viewings of Space Buddies: Puppies in Space!

THIS MOVIE! HERE!

Space Buddies. A review.

The Child wanted all her toys to join us in the lounge room for our showing of puppies in space. The movie opens with a Russian dog in space (I understand it is Spudnik) talking. Then we cut to the obnoxiously smug puppy Bud-dah. His owner and the rest of the stupid kids are going to watch a rocket launch so Buddah gets his posh sister Rosebud his fat brother Budderball and his hip urban brother Smokin'bud. The last brother is Mudbud. He is always rolling in mud. Smokin'bud says "dude" and "dawg" quite often. Dammit, Buddah is horribly condescending! Anyway the pups snuck onto the school bus. The teacher is having allergy attacks because of the puppies.

-buddah's obnoxious owner leaves group and gets scanned for space suit.

-Smokin'bud says:yo, dudes, tight, etc.

-the puppies get space suits made. Budderball gets stuck in his suit, and when other puppies are helping him in, they accidentally pull his paw. His fart inflates the suit.

-Buddah is such a twat! Smokin'bud said he would have "blinded out" the space ship which they are now on.

-it seems that it is really easy to sneak onto a spaceship.

-the bad guy is a short little dickheads. I predict that he is a) not a real doctor and b) going to find himself falling victim to poo related pratfalls.

-Smokin'Budz actual name is "B-Dawg"! Also, the puppies have launched!

-many of the jokes involve Budderball eating and Buddah being "insightful"! The child LOVES watching the puppies in zero gravity!

-the fuel supply has been sabotaged by the smug little doctor

-sidenote: the inventor of the rocket is an awkward man who has a pet weasel named Gravity. I predict that Gravity will save the day by climbing into the bad guys pants.

-The puppies may have to do moonwalks to meet the Russian dog Spudnik. The actor playing the Russian sounds very Mexican.

-the Russian is making me suspicious, but I believe he is the red herring bad guy, and will end up helping.

-Smokin' Bud said "dawg" again. Twice.

-I was wrong about the Russian so far. Spudnik has introduced himself. Sadly, though Smokin'bud thought he was an alien at first, he has recovered and started by saying "off the chain" for the second time in ten minutes.

-I was right, the Russian wants to keep the puppies as pets!! But Spudnik is making him fall asleep. The short guy should come into the movie soon, possibly with Mr Wilson (he is in the launch headquarters but we don't know his motive).

-the dogs are escaping the ship, but Budderball is late because he is bringing broccoli.

- the Russian just blew up his space station and escaped in a pod.

-back on earth the kids are looking for the pups.

-buddah's stupid owner is talking to his mom

-writing these notes are distracting me from how cute puppies in space are! They are all asleep! How adorable!

-it is just about time for the villain to do something. They are landing on the moon.

-Smokin'bud almost crashed the ship, but Spudnik saved the day.

-the ship has landing gear like an airplane. Not sure wheels would work on the moons surface.

-puppy moon walk!!!!!!!!!!cuuuuuuute!!!!!!!!!!

-It should be noted that this puppy moon walk is really cute!!!!!

-Buddah is such a tool! He is meditating and saying "oooooh mmmm"!

-the weasel has started speaking to the puppies!

-the puppies are good at taking space suits off!

-bad guy leaked the story

-the bad guy sort of looks like a midget Scott Caan

-his name is doctor Finkell, and Buddah's owner called him Fecal

-Budderball is doing a spacewalk!!

-he ran out of jet fuel, now they ate making him fart by pulling his paw! Hilarious!

-the child is wondering if the puppies will die in space!

-Dr Finkell just got his comeuppance! No poop yet though!!!

Budderball just ate broccoli it will probably make him fart!

-one of the most cringe worthy moments is either of the times Buddah's owner bows and says "namaste!"

-other cringe worthy moments are anytime Smokin'bud speaks.

-my readers should be aware that writing this has prevented me from reveling fully in the cuteness.

-Spudnik has been reunited with his owner.

The End.

The Child likes Mudbud and Budderball the best. Thankfully not Buddah. What a moron!

I am about to watch it with The Missus and The Child. The Child said: "This movie is as long as a cow!"

I concur. Wholeheartedly.

For those at home, the spaceship was designed by a man named Pi. He carries a ferret named Gravity in his sleeve. Please understand, I am being completely honest and forthright. These puppies really do go to space! It's sooooooooo cute!

The Child has stopped eating, so Space Buddies has been paused. I am looking at a ferret sitting in Pi's pocket. Super cute!!!!

Sidenote: only Space Buddies could make a grown man want to punch a golden retriever puppy right in the grill! Damn that Buddah! Damn that B-dawg! If only Budderball was the leading mutt!

I am going to play Angry Turds for awhile.

One of the most surprising things about Space Buddies is the lack of poo jokes. The Child thinks I like Spudnik best. Probably because I am a child of the 80's.

The Mexican cosmonaut is actually speaking Russian, which is nice. Now he is getting drunk. It is implied that they are fueling the ship with vodka.

Ten points if you spot the Cool Runnings reference!

Also, in 8th grade I went to the smithsonian and bought space ice cream. It gave all who ate it diarrhea.

The Russian is passed out! The puppies are in danger!!!! Things change fast around here!

Smokin' Bud just said "fo shizzle!"

"dude, I say we make like a bread truck and haul buns!"

"you guys, where's Budderball??!!"

"dude, you know our motto, No Pup Left Behind!!"

Real dialog from Space Buddies!

Aw Spudnik, your sooooooooo cute!

I am drinking wine.

"nope, have'nt seen hide nor fur of them."

"I'm sure Buddah and the other buddies are out there having a wonderful adventure!"

Sleeping space puppies are so cute!!! Rosebud and Spudnik just had some serious character development! Watch it and find out!

B-Dawg thought the moon was the Death Star. Or death drat as my phone believes.

Now Spudnik will step in and land the ship on the moon. Which Budderball wants to eat because its made of blue cheese.

I think the control team is wearing blue teeth as their microphones. Sorry about the grammar there.

Puppies moon walk!!!!!!!! Cuuuuuuuute!   Floating talking puppies! Spuuuuuudniiik!

Also they misinterpreted the Neil Armstrong landing speech.

Mudbud should have more screen time. The problem is that there is no mud in space. I need to write Air Buddies 9 specifically to get Mudbud and Rosebud more exposure.

Dr Finkell is such a douche!!!!!!

Buddah is such a douche!!!!!!!!!!

Rosebud rocks!

B-dog sucks!!!

Gravity is svelt!!!!!

SPUDNIK RULES!!!!!!!!!!!!

best movie ever. Wine.

Dr Finkell looks hilarious!!!

I bet the adult actors loved making this. Some of them are killing it! They have these safety glasses they wear to navigate the ship!

There are a few surprises I am not telling you about.

Dr Finkell is such a bastard!!!!

Buddah's owner is sooooooooo obnoxious!!!!! His name is sam.

Scott Caan is trying to kill puppies. Sam just called him Dr Fecal. Still one of their best jokes.

"buddies, you're right in the middle of a meteor shower!"

The buddies never bark.

Space walk time!!!! Imminent fart jokes!!!!!

Cuuuuute! Kookier wine!!! Autocorrect!

"I was just gonna raise my paw, but you beat me to it dawg!"

-BDawg

There are some sick montages in this movie.

Ball scratching joke coming up!!!!!!

Rosebud is kind of a bitch but shes cool.

Puppies are cute. Not our puppie who is barking.

"Budderball no!!" in Russian accent. Spudnik

Puppy space walk! About to pull his paw!!!! Fart power!!!!!

We have decided that Pi looks like a young person in old person make up. Scott Caan got caught!!!!! But Sam is a little prick!!! Finkell and einhorn!

Einhorn and Finkell!

"Its entering at a dangerous entry level..." real dialogue.

Nobody notices that the weasel is communicating with the ship. The puppies might die now. Ha! Still alive!!!! Puppy prayer time. This IS a Christian movie!

Spuuuuuydniiiiiiiiiik!

They landed!!!!!!!!!!

Safe at last!!! Wiiiiiiine!!!!!!

Also a naked Ken doll is watching it from the front row!!!!!!

Thank you and good night. Buzzsaw signing off. Or about to watch the bloopers reel!!!!! Haaaa! Lastly, ferrets are from the same family as minks. Not rodents. Peace. Oh yeah, Spudnik and Yuri made it home to Russia!!!!!!! The end. Too bad Rosebud only got a pink space suit at the end. Also a harmonica moment, which makes it a 4 star movie!!!!!!!!! Bdawg, I'm sorry. He let Spudnik be in his entourage. The end. Spudnik is hooooooooome!!!!!!!!

Too bad they don't have a directors commentary on this DVD.

The end. Wine. Shut up sam. You and Buddah are killing me. Spudniiiiiiiiiiiiik!!!! He is the same kind if dog as Spuds McKenzie. They end with a rockin cover of Dancin' in The Moonlight. Best movie ever. Wine. The end.

Sent from my iPhone

PLEASE PRAY FOR MY SCARRED SOUL!!!!!!!!

Space Buddies: A Review!!!!!!!!

My experience watching Space Buddies: Puppies in Space, could not have been better. For starters, I watched the first half hour 3 times before actually watching it through! You know what that means? MORE PUPPIES!!!!!!!!! And puppies is what this movie is about! Also, the part where Budderball farts in his space suit and inflates it is at about 26 minutes in. So I got to see that shit 3 times!!!!! Anyway, for those who don't know the movie is about the loin fruit of the original Air Bud, 5 puppies who belong to 5 stereotypical (white) kids. The first and most annoying is Buddah (they all have names which are take offs of Bud). He is the smarmy "wise" one who is such a dick that it made me want to punch a golden retriever puppy. This is not a good thing. His sister Rosebud is a princess, who lets be honest doesn't get enough screen time. Next is B-Dawg, who is a hip hop dancer dawg, who says things like "tight" "fo'shizzle" and "that's off the chain!" It should be noted that the screenwriter responsible for these attrocities has been arrested for malicious endangerment. Prick! next we have Budderball, the fat one. Most of the jokes in the movie involve him eating or farting, though surprisingly not pooing.

Budderball thought they were headed to the "lunch pad"!!! HAHAHAHAHA!

After the gang gets Budderball they swing by to pick up MudBud. He is filthy and sadly as there is practically no mud in space is not useful for the screenwriters wicked humor. Unfortunately for us, the writers are most interested in writing obnoxious cliches for Buddah to say, or terrible, terrible "street talk" for BDawg, or making Budderball the fat one, ruled by his stomach. Oh, did I mention that there is sort of a plot?

The puppies sneak onto a commercial space craft while the kids who own them are on a class field trip to watch its test launch. Because most companies testing a brand new space craft would invite a group of stupid kids to watch their innogural launch. Anyway, once the puppies get on board there is a moment of zero gravity which The Child thought was HILARIOUS!!!!!!!

They also meet Spudnik, a Russian dog. he is pretty cool. In [this review was interupted by a fire alarm] Sorry folks, that evacuation just ruined my train of thought. Suffice it to say, Space Buddies is a fairly terrible movie but the kids will love it! The man below is the villain Dr Finkell (there is one joke where Buddah's terrible owner calls him Dr Fecal, then later Dr Stinkell).

He wears glasses, which makes you want to punch him in the face even harder!

So should you rush out and buy Space Buddies? If you like brain trauma and/or being pummeled in the genitalia metaphorically for 90 minutes, please by all means run out and buy it! Also, if you think your kids will like to watch dogs farting in space suits. The Child was standing outside of her kindy making grotesque fake farts for about 6 minutes yesterday. And that was before she saw the second fart gag. Basically what I am saying is that the movie is awesome!

Note: I am on a timed public library computer, editing is not an option. But hell this movie is over three years old anyway.

I-Phone movie reviews! Space Buddies!

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Marsupial Genitals 101

Most of my readers will not have had the chance to view kangaroo testicles at close range. Fortunately for you, I have. In short, they are hilarious looking. That visual comedy also "extends" itself to kangaroo "wangs" as well. As I can think of no way to segue into "normal" territory, I had better explain...


(I am writing this on my cellphone whilst watching Aladin with The Child, my 4 year old future step daughter. I forgot how "subtly" racist this movie is. Oh yeah, it was made by Disney...)

A couple of weeks ago I took The Child to Urbambirra Wildlife Park to kill the time while her mum was at work. We had been in October, during which time we fed a koala and I was chased by an enraged duck (he must have been intimidated by my "animal magnetism").

We were looking for the duck of course. The Child REALLY liked watching me run terrified from it's impotent rage. We never found it, instead making the rounds and feeding various kangaroos, looking at the echidna, and playing Three Billy Goats Gruff on the bridge over the stream.

We were waiting for the 2 PM koala feeding when we were accosted by an aggressively hungry kangaroo. No matter how much we fed it the bastard kept trying to get at our food. It was then that I noticed that it had a baby in it's pouch!

Eating for two! Those crazy mums and their cravings! I bent down to get a closer look. It had a tail poking out of it's pouch, and it must have been a very young Joey because it was virtually hairless. I called The Child over to have a look at the cute little Joey...

Right as she got there I noticed them. About the size of a softball, fuzzy and dangling from the belly of the "mum" as a sign of fertility. Testes. I realized this as time stood still. The second later my stunned silence was broken by The Child.

"It's his willy! It's his WILLY!! His willy!!!!!" She could not contain herself. Thankfully for me nobody else was paying attention and we were able to have a laugh. In fact it was the hardest either of us had ever laughed about marsupial genitalia.

Postscript: The Missus was only mildly amused by the situation, and for some reason she thinks it is weird/problematic that I let The Child eat spaghetti in the bath. The end.

Postscript 2: if I have neglected to utilize such descriptive phrases as "balls like a speed bag" or "dick like a denuded and pointy anteater snout" or even "angular flesh toned sex finger" I apologize profusely. Sincerely, your mentally unfit Internet "friend" AKA, Buzz

Postscript 3: I do not call them "Wangaroos" but you can. Also, if you want a picture, look one up yourself. It is the internet after all.

Twiligh Saga: Breaking Wind (A positive review!)

Most "normal" film reviewers and bloggers will work themselves into a sweat drenched frenzy in order to bring their reviews to the readers before the readers actually watch the movie. Obviously as the owner of multiple websites, I simply cannot work like that. I am a gentleman of leisure, so fighting my way through a rabid pack of menopausal women to see a movie I knew was based on a terrible story was very low on my priority list. But I could not postpone the inevitable forever. To be totally honest, I was curious. Even among groups of rabid Twilight fans, most will admit that the book Breaking Dawn is a clusterfuck of poorly developed bad ideas and massive plot holes, mixed in with references to "pillow biting" and pedophilia lite. In short; adapting Breaking Wind is a screenwriters nightmare. I knew it would be dreadfully delightful.

This moderate fan has already seen it 78 times! She is also single.

Before we dive into the movie itself, I must first attempt to summarize the book for the uninitiated. Here it is in the fewest possible words: Edward Colon is a vampire and preening little twat; he lives with his "adopted" vampire family in the feral town of Forks WA. His adopted father is the night doctor at the hospital, who also looks like a runway model. Edward has two "brothers" and two "sisters" who are also "in high school" and also "openly boning" which of course is totally unnoticed by anyone in town. Edward is the only Colon who has no sex in his life, presumably expending his energy on mind blowing vampire masturbation sessions (he is 17 forever). It all changes when Fella Swan, the police chiefs daughter moves to town (her mildly retarded mother was hitting the road with a minor league baseball team). Suddenly Edward wants to eat/bone Fella. She just wants the sex part. Edward tells her that he has skin which is icy, and hard like diamonds (sparkles too); at this point everyone makes a joke about Fella Getting "cold cocked"; which is low hanging fruit to say the least, something author Stephenie Meyer seems determined to provide. Did I mention that there are also wolf human hybrids who "imprint" (sort of like falling in love at first site) and it doesn't matter whether it is reciprocated, or the imprintee is a baby? After something like 1,700 pages of uninteresting and non romantic romance, we come to Breaking Wind, where Fella Swan will finally become a Colon. They get married, go to Brazil for their honeymoon, and Fella gets impregnated. After that, the entire drama in the first part of the book hinges on the unlikely premise that the wolf boys (good guys) will kill Fella (the heroine) because she is pregnant with a half vampire. Also the baby is slowly killing poor Fella (did I mention that she is a huge bitch?). This brings us to the movie version of Breaking Wind...

Review: Twilight Saga-Breaking Wind, Part one
Score: 9/10

When reviewing the movie versions of The Twilight Saga, one must always consider the source material. Speaking for myself, I have never read a worse story with less likeable characters and more plot holes than The Saga. As such, to hire professionals and adapt it for the screen is to rub the proverbial honey on the proverbial shit. Polishing a turd. It is simply impossible to use any "writing" by Stephenie Meyer and create something of quality. That said, I think the crew has done a marvelous job in taking horrible and obnoxious characters and making them decent. Not likeable, but not nearly as bad as they are in the book. Breaking Wind was no exception. For those keeping score I attended with The Missus and The Child (in Noarlunga, South Australia).

High Points:

1) They had at least one good make-up artist
In the previous Twilight installments, the supposedly good looking Colon family has such a strong resemblance to rapist mimes that "look like transvestites". Breaking Wind is no exception, that is, until they have to show Fella Swan dying. By golly they nailed it! For about 30 minutes poor dying Fella looks as much like a dying crack head I was starting to fiend for drugs I have never tried! Every tiny vein was showing through her translucent skin and her bones were clearly visible. It was great!


2) Stephenie Meyer made an appearance
In 98% of the reviews, it has been pointed out that Stephanie Meyer is actually obsessed with her own fiction. Even the films stars have made mention of this fact. I love her little personal touches, because everything she touches ends up hilarious (unintentionally). Sadly I missed seeing it, and I will have to wait for the DVD because I am not going back to the theater.

3) The honeymoon was funny as hell
Awkward, and as neutered as one would imagine from a movie which had to have a PG-13 rating so its Mormon author could watch it (this is NOT a joke). The thing I always found amusing was that the Colon family (who are sworn to secrecy about their vampiric state on pain of death) have housekeepers come out to the island. Not just any housekeepers though, but housekeepers from a mountain tribe which believes in vampires. Naturally they are suspicious. I wonder if it ever occured to the sleepless Colons that they have plenty of time to clean, and it would be a lot more secretive if they took care of it themselves. Another highlight was when Fella Colon was swooning away in the bedroom while Mr Colon waited in the ocean (to cold cock her). It was at this moment when The Child spoke up: "She really likes her bed!" Thankfully I was not drinking anything at this point.

4) The Volturi
For those who have no idea what Twilight is, there are some characters in it called The Volturi. They are a council of I-talian vampires who are especially sinister and good looking. They look like this:

In the world of Twilight this is a badass. In the real world he promotes bondage parties and has a "no cocaine left behind" policy.

As you might imagine, it is nigh impossible to keep a straight face while the Volturi are on the screen.

5) It only took about 100 minutes of my time
Stephenie Meyer only writes books over 700 pages. Here is a sample of what that is like: "The fabric clung to his perfectly muscled chest. It was a colossal tribute to his face that it kept my eyes away from his body" which of course is fairly standard for all 2,400 pages in the entire series. I am not entirely sure, but I think she used the phrase "perfectly muscled chest" upwards of 20 times. Needless to say the books are like undergoing surgery with a shot of whiskey and a leather strap to chew on when pain gets too intense. The movies thankfully are much shorter.

6) Science: Twilight Style
Because the fetus/baby was half vampire it wanted to drink blood. So in typical Stephenie Meyer style, the characters "solved" the problem in a really stupid way which would not have worked at all. They had (human) Fella Colon drink human blood, which using their combined brain power, they concluded would "feed the baby blood" sadly, even the "doctor" agreed this was true. What they failed to understand is that the baby would still be getting fed with digested food, so it would not matter what protein she ate, and she could even drink animal blood without the baby becoming any the wiser.

7) Renesmee
The birth scene is famous in the books because the baby is breaking Fella Colon's back and shit (due to its incredible stremf. The Child got scared so we covered her eyes. When the baby popped out, she started laughing though.

"That baby needs a wash! They need to clean it up a bit! Hahahaha!" She was right. Also they named the baby Renesmee, which makes me feel like gouging out my eyes just reading it, let alone saying it. One nice touch in the movie was the wink and nod the screenwriter gave this when they discussed what an ugly name it is. I recall Robert Pattinson looking down when he said he liked it. I am sure he was having trouble not laughing. Also Jacob the wolf boy "imprints" on the baby, so there is the pedophilia again.

8) I got my I-Phone back
The day after the movie I realized that I had left my I-Phone somewhere. This of course made me hopping mad, as I have limited funds. Luckily, someone had found it and turned it in at the theater, so later that day I recovered it.

This may be a slightly unconventional positive review, but hey, when you have a 26% positive review rating on Rotten Tomato's you take all the help you can get!