Friday, May 13, 2011


Good day to you kind sir or madam, it is a lovely morning in Washington state and I am feeling super! You probably did not notice that I have only posted two times this month, and here is why: I had nothing I felt like writing. Not that I have a lot to say now, but things have been happening. So today's piece is called why I changed my Facebook name and Twitter ID. Sounds gripping, and let me tell you it is. If you are a male with a Facebook namechange and Twitter ID fetish. Here is the story:

Back many moons ago, in June of 2010, I decided that in order to start a viable enterprise around my strange fake twin Robert Pattinson, I needed an online presence. The simple fact of the matter is, I should have started earlier. With technology a surefire way to tell if you are too late is when baby boomers are using it and "trying to be relevant" which is why Facebook is called "Oldbook" by non-creative and bitter hipsters. Anyway, I knew I needed a name, and when you have no Facebook friends and you are moving to Forks to start a Twilight Photo Booth (this OBVIOUS name for our business took almost a month to figure out!) you might want a fake name.

I had developed a fake story about how it would be possible for Robert Pattinson to have a black sheep of an older brother in witness protection sometime in the winter. It came because I was simply wondering what the name would be if he did. Thus I chose the name Richard Pattinson Jr. Of course when the actual Richard Pattinson walked past me and did a double take outside the after party for the Twilight Eclipse premiere, I figured the handle was legit. The funny thing is that even when I used it as my facebook profile, the only people who ever used it were primarily from places like Indonesia. Typically these folks would send me very short messages, to which I would reply in kind. Example:

Alice Goki: Hi Richat!
Richard Pattinson Jr: Hi!

To be totally frank, I loved those messages. Simple concise, and easily completed. The username was a double edged sword though. Using that name I could send friend requests to absolute strangers in hopes that they were mild fans of Twilight with other interests who just happened to have usernames like "Edward Cullens HawtandHornyHousemaid" and "Robs Dildo Inspiration." over the course of almost a year I was able to build up my friends list to almost 2,500 and I don't know how much was due to the nom de plum. What I did know is that people called me by my real name when they were making comments and I was trying to make a plan for the switch without confusing anyone. Mainly because I knew that since I would be done writing my book about the whole thing, I wanted to be able to have my own fanbase when I was done. The time would be soon, and I decided last night while having dinner with my parents that I was finished.

I was telling them about the confirmation that I would be featured on the local human interest show Evening Magazine sometime soon, when my mom asked what name I was going to use. Of course she does not have facebook, so Lord knows how she found out I was using a fake name, but the idea sort of made me ill. I have never had any desire to be anyone else, except of course Willie Nelson but that is obvious and everyone wants that. The fact that I was using a fake facebook handle didn't really bother me, but the idea of long term repercussions did. I in no way want to be Robert Pattinson, though I would be happy with 5% of his money. So, last night I randomly switched the username. Surprisingly, I only lost two people from my friends list. It might help that I posted a lie about being naked, but that is only a theory. Anyway, that is my brief explanation, and sort of a boring blog entry, but I promise, the next one will be a hilarious shoot-em up, during which time I find $100, have hilarious sex, and am in every way bitchin'! By the way, when I say I, it of course means YOU! PEACE OUT SUCKAZ! BUZZARD


  1. Good for you Barnes! I really do hope you find $100 & have hilarious deserve it, you little trooper. :)

  2. I just thought you were a funny guy, the name didn't even enter into it. It doesn't hurt that you look like RP though, but you're more real than he is. That's a good thing.

  3. LOL. Well I wonder if when Richard Pattinson saw you he wondered if he was naughty a long time ago? hehe. You'll always be Ian to me...and it's great you only lost 2 friends because of the name change...or was it because you said your were naked? I guess we'll never know. If I posted I was naked I reckon all my friends would run for the hills...hahah. Great post. PS I think you should be on a retainer from RP. 10 percent of his income is fair. js. Lisa.

  4. I heard about that show through your friend.. Good luck..