Friday, December 21, 2012

San Antonio Jacket Jocks & More: Craigslist in Texas!

Late last night I was staring into Facebook and nothing was going on. I wanted some entertainment but my friends Netflix account had been logged out and I wasn't going to wake him up. So I decided to start switching my profile pics (something I do A LOT). Suddenly I got a message in my in box from a Facebook friend in San Antonio TX. We have been friends for a couple years but never have exchanged messages, just witticisms and carefully chosen barbs. Well I ended up telling her a story which will be going in my book about my first (and only) visit to Austin TX, and unless she was buttering me up, she was quite entertained. So in her honor, I have decided to spend my last few hours in Seattle digging through the San Antonio strictly platonic section of craigslist....I'm sure most of my readers saw that coming. Today I picked only posts which included their own pictures, but as always I provide the captions. The posts obviously have been italicized. Let's get into it!

1) Alone For The Holidays - m4w (NESA)


Date: 2012-12-21, 9:26AM CST


I am alone for the holidays. Looking for someone who might like to hang out go do what ever. I like movies, eating out ridding my Harley, just about anything thats fun. If you are alone o maybe we can hang out and have some fun. Reply with Alone in the subject so I know your not a BOT. Please include your pic and tell me what you would like to do for fun. I am open to ALL things.
This picture taken from the POV of his last murder victim!
Is He A Catch? : First of all he's vague as hell! "Do whatever" "anything that's fun" "hang out and have some fun" "Reply with Alone in the subject" "if you are alone" probably all mean something more along the lines of: Best case scenario this will lead to some very regrettable sex, worst case scenario your body will end up in a barrel full of acetone! One item which I thinks says it is the former is this gem: "I am open to ALL things." Which of course probably means things up the butt. So if you are in San Antonio, you find goatees sexy and you want to put items up this mans ass, please respond!
2) I need an Algebra tutor - m4w - 28 (castle hills)


Date: 2012-12-21, 10:37AM CST


I'm really wanting my GED I've taken the pretest and passed everything but math. I also need to learn how to write an essay.. :) if you can he'll I would "really" appreciate it! I guess I can offer drinks&herb or somethin... lol email with pic please so I know who I'm talking to,thanks
He also failed the part of the pretest about rotating digital pictures!
Is He A Catch?: Well considering he is either a car owner or has been able to sit inside one at some point in his life he is better off than some. And he is showing signs of taking his academic career seriously. See, he's looking for a (female) tutor! Not only that but he is completely willing to get the tutor high and drunk during the tutoring session! This could be a real good deal. Since he is only after a GED level of scholarship many people could probably teach him what he needs gassed up on peyote! And now it is time for a personal note:
[Editor/Buzz: When I was at South Seattle Community College many years ago I had a calculus class at 8 AM, which was a god awful thing. My problem was that I fell asleep in class, which was both detrimental to my learning but embarrassing because I really liked the teacher (a hilarious Ethiopian man named Tesfaye). So because it was happening with such frequency I decided to self medicate. I knew that marijuana actually stimulated my brain and kept me awake, so one morning I blazed up right be fore class and it sure enough worked! I was wide awake! The problem was that I was stoned as hell and couldn't understand calculus at all when NOT HIGH! So when the teacher called on me I never got anything right and was even more of an embarrassment top academia than when I was asleep! Needless to say I decided that sleeping was way better than being wide awake and high as hell!
Note: I have found that for writing and art classes marijuana is not nearly as detrimental as calculus.] Anyway, back to the man child, I would say he's a catch if you want to get wasted. Have a blast! But for goodness sake make sure you meet him in a bar and only drink sealed beverages!
3) Drink anyone? My treat - m4w - 25 (San Antonio )

Date: 2012-12-20, 8:38PM CST

 I'm 25 and in a relationship that is just not working...512 I really want to go 649 grab a drink somewhere 2545tonight... Any ladies that might want to join me? Txt me

"I'm in a relationship that is just not working"

"My treat"
Is He A Catch?: Figure it out for yourself you bastards!

4) Seeking someone with a British or Scottish Accent - m4w - 26 (NC SA)


Date: 2012-12-20, 7:17PM CST


This may be kind of an odd ad but I have recently been into watching BBC shows and one reason is because I love the accent. I am like seeking if there and any women here who have a British or Scottish accent. I like watching shows like The It Crowd, The Mighty Boosh, The Inbetweeners and other movies that take place in Britain/London. So if there is anyone who has an interest in this or who has an accent, please respond to my ad....
My balls are insured by Lloyds of London...
Is He A Catch: NO! He's got a damn Anglophile fetish a mile wide! Texas sized!
This ad stands a chance of not being creepy if he were asking for other people who like those and similar shows! Sadly the only reason he is watching the shows is his fetish! So ladies, if you have a sweet accent/rack, forget this guy and email me!
5) Jacket Jock Lookin For Buddies - m4m - 41 (San Antonio)


Date: 2012-12-20, 9:11AM CST


Hey guys/men, im a 38 yr old ex football jock who still likes to wear his letterman jacket when he messes around, also has a couple of jackets to lend out.

Im lookin for other jocks who still like to wear thier jackets. Lets hang out, chill out, kick back, rassle around while wearing our letterman jackets. Age/race/body type unimportant.

If this interets you, hit me back.

also lookin for a caoh type 65+

Later, pece out

Pictured: Jacket Jock!
Is He A Catch?: Are you joking me right now? This guy wears his 25 year old Letterman's jacket when he fools around! He has jackets to lend out! Fuck yes this guy is a catch! In all my years of research I have A) Never heard the phrase "jacket jock" B) Never heard of anyone with more than one Letterman's jacket and C) fuck this I'm emailing him! Peace!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Dangling Participles!

Forgive me, but I have been busy. I would like to say with what and whom, but I have stalkers I need to keep on their toes! Anyway, sometime before I got busy (doing things most people consider "hella cool") I found the following post on the NYC craigslist strictly platonic page. Yes people, I am "getting back to my roots"!!! It takes a lot to surprise me, what with the fact that I am now fairly obsessed with fetishes and have always had an uncanny knack for finding the bizarre without much real effort of my own, but this post was neat. It was polite, professional and oozes with what I would call "STRICTLY NOT AT ALL PLATONIC!!!!!!!!!!!" Well lets see what you think dear reader, have at it!

[Editors note: I left the email link because I am 98-99% sure you will all want to get in on this paying gig!]

Shoeplay / Dangling $$$$ - m4w - 27 (Nolita / Bowery)


Date: 2012-12-13, 6:37PM EST

Reply to this postReply to:

Hey there,

I am putting this ad up because I am a fan of shoeplay/ dangling (when women cross their legs and let their shoes hang from their toes).. I especially love when women do this with ballet flats while they are riding the subway or studying in the library or wherever really. I am looking for a woman whom has the time to provide this for me, at least once a week. . . we would meet at a public place (like library or barnes and nobles) and you would study or read or use the computer and dangle and I would just view the show. It's really simple and it works out for both of us, as I usually only require one hour. I am willing to pay upwards of 100-150$ per hour.. I do expect you to own multiple pairs of flats and have a consistent schedule from week to week. I would prefer an asian woman, but all races are welcome.. better if you are a student or grad student and have open schedule. Please only serious replies, I do not want to waste my time or yours.

If you are interested, please reply back and we can speak more specifically via email. Thanks.




Obviously I added a few captions (and this post had no pictures either) but if you hadn't guessed by reading, there is definitely/probably for sure, something sexual and not platonic about the post. Let's take a closer look.

1) The word "shoeplay"! If you can even say that word out loud without a mildly gross feeling, yes I am judging you, but even if you are in to shoeplay, just know that it's not that it's the worst thing in the world but it is weird as hell. Plus the word shoeplay sounds extremely creepy.

2) "Women who cross their legs and let their shoes dangle from their toes"! It's so specific (and obviously gets more specific later, but he also mentions money later so hmmm....

3) Super specific. Subway. Library. Or wherever? Really? No. This guy is absolutely balls out set upon the subway and the library. No ifs ands or butts. No butts, just dangling. On the subway. While he watches? Films? Wow! I want to pay him $30 to watch him watch her! On the subway. or anywhere really!

4) You will/can consider this a part time job. If you are in college, most likely you will be working some minimum wage job, paying taxes and all kinds of stuff. So really this is a good opportunity, so email me, I mean this post. It's a wonderful opportunity for you and....this guy.

5) It always requires an hour. Don't kid yourself.

6) You must be Asian. Thank you for your time.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Harmonica in my soul

Previously on the BS Report I have written about harmonicas, why you shouldn't play harmonica, why Bob Dylan is a terrible harmonica player and I started a ten part series (I finished one) about ten harmonica greats who make Dylan look like a clown! Clearly I am passionate about the instrument. I know I never started out wanting to play the harmonica, I didn't even understand how Jerry Garcia made such cool sounds (hint: it was electric slide guitar played by a master). All I know is that I loved music. All music. When I was a young kid I listened to oldies. Later the neighbor kids (and Terminator Two my parents had no idea I was watching) got me into Guns N' Roses, though I never bought a tape. I did have an MC Hammer tape which was cool. The first album I got was the Beastie Boys License 2 Ill along with the black Mettalica album. It was nice to fit in, but in my heart I just wanted to hear what I had heard on a Jimmy Buffett live album in 8th grade. Stories. And Songs. AND BITCHI'N HARMONICA BY GREG "FINGERS" TAYLOR!!!

There is no other instrument that can soar so high and tear so utterly the human soul. A close second is the violin, but it will always be its own. A slide guitar can break and cut, but maybe because the harmonica is an extension of a human voice it is given that extra bit of soul which can never be replicated. No, the harmonica is the one sound I will always have. Until I breathe my last (though to be honest at the end I am sure I will say something disgusting that everyone will agree should be taken off the record) I will sing a song for harmonicas. Real played ones not that Bob Dylan huff and puff.

It was fun but it's not giving me much freedom as a harmonica player! You understand right? Right?

As you may know I am real close to finishing an album with which I hope to lure in a excellent band who can both push me and provide me freedom to play harmonica unencumbered by guitar. I need to stand on a stage with the music playing so I can get the songs inside me outside me, Harmonica is very difficult, and unless you have a good band, its better to just stick with guitar. OK, that's enough. The whole reason I posted was I wanted you to hear some real harmonica playing in the video at the bottom of the page. Greg "Fingers" Taylor and Jimmy Buffett from the Son of a Son of a Sailor album Coast of Marseilles.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Damn Doot! Houston Be Crazy!

It seems in this Seattle gloom that my heart pines for the sunny south. Why else would I find myself looking at strictly platonic posts from Houston Craigslist? I never had before, and in fact the only time I went to Houston was an ill fated trip to The Johnson Space Center (Pro tip: IT'S BORING AS HELL!!!!). Well without further ado, why don't we take a peek at the platonic peeps (I have never before said that word, and I just puked on my friends cat after I did!) of Houston! As always I add captions to the real pictures from the posts, since Craigslist hasn't advanced that far, and because I am sort of an ass.

3) want a french braid? - m4w - 21 (houston)
Date: 2012-12-12, 3:32PM CST

i'm just a guy who likes to french braid. I'm looking for a woman with longish, healthy hair who is preferably single. Again, this would pretty much just amount to me French braiding hair. Email for moreinfo. If you want your hair French braided, let me know. :)

Please include a picture of yourself in the email to me, and if you are real, I'll send one of me. As a note, I am a really cool guy. this might seem weird, but I'm not. I'm fit, intelligent and good-looking. I just so happen to really like French braids. :)

Here's a french braid that i've done:
This is not an actual mannequin head, it is an actual human head! Hee!
These human heads are actually nailed to the wall and the braids are shellacked. Which is all part of the process!!!! Hahaha!
If you are lucky this intelligent, fit and handsome man will kill you prior to French braiding your hair and then somehow having braid sex with it. That is the best case scenario. He is obviously crazy as hell, even if he isn't a damn killer (yet) he still has mannequin heads with braided hair in his office or TV room or whatever. This if you didn't know, is NOT FUCKING NORMAL BEHAVIOR! And that is coming from a man who spent 6 months of this year living in a van with a mouse in rural Australia. I KNOW CRAZY!!! EDITORS HUNCH: He prefers you be single so YOUR HUSBAND DOESN'T REPORT A MISSING PERSON!
Bored!! - m4w - 30 (North)

Date: 2012-12-12, 5:06PM CST

I have several days of vaction left and must use them before the end of the year. I plan to get back into my workout routine but wont be doing that the only time. So I need suggestions cause I am new in town.
Honestly, I really don't know but it is something about how he's fat and still wants sex. Let's look at the text a bit and see if we can decipher what the hell he is saying (besides: "Look at my sexy shades, tat and Under Armour combo! LADIES!!! LADIES?????"):
"I have several days of vaction left and must use them before the end of the year."
What it probably means: I got fired/never had a job so I have free time.
"I plan to get back into my workout routine but wont be doing that the only time."
What it probably means: I am out of shape and too lazy to start soon. And I failed English.
 "So I need suggestions cause I am new in town."
What it could possibly mean: Either he is looking for a gym? Or he is looking for vacation spots? Probably just sex though, so let's say that this post is just a misguided attempt to get sexy. It just feels right to me.
Scrrrrrrratch... - m4w (Houston)

 Date: 2012-12-12, 1:09PM CST

I was a bear in my past life. I really enjoy my upper and lower back being scratched moderately hard. Aswell, I love a great hair scratch on the top on my head. While this sounds funny, it's true and I'm willing to put up some money for it. I don't have a number set in stone so if you are interested, how about you email me and tell me what you'd accept.

Also, you must be able to host, please.

I want to make this as clear as day, I am not looking for sex. I'm a man who enjoys having his back and hair scratched. You can get comfortable too. If you'd like you can turn on the tv, pour you a glass of wine, let me lay on your lap and scratch away.

You give me an amount first.

Thank you
Try and figure out what kind of bear he used to be....
Look, its a dude who used to be a bear who wants to come to your house so you can scratch him. He will pay whatever you want, so fuck you for questioning it! Some people always assume that just because someone wants to come to their house and get scratched while you get drunk and watch TV that there is something sexual going on. EDITORS HINT: THE BEAR IS GOING TO BE AROUSED AS HELL SO DO NOT WEAR A FUR COAT!
Thanks again for reading another installment of the BS Report, I work super hard on this stuff! Yours truly, Bazza

Monday, December 3, 2012

Living on the road my friends...

Today I have a nice home. I actually fit on the couch here. Yesterday evening I got to play video games against my friends 8 year old daughter (AND WON!!!) and help pick up a large piece of furniture. Maybe that sounds boring to you, but at this stage in the game boring is awesome. Last week I was hanging around Portland at Troubadour Studios waiting for free studio time so I could work on my album (which I have paid next to nothing to do because of great friends). It was nice, but there is something unsettling about having to pick up your stuff and make it look like nobody is sleeping in the studio, because if the real clients found out they would probably all want to move in! Well we did get three out of 12 songs done with a final mix, they are on my Reverbnation page, feel free to share them!

This week since I am out of money to record, I am in the process of finding ways to make money. Luckily my old friends I am staying with have a garage full of furniture and need me to find a storage unit and a home for that. I am also going to get rid of my record collection I have been building for 18 years. It's sad I know, but at the same time I feel like it's a weight around my neck. When you have material things weighing you down it makes travel difficult. Right now all I know is that I will not be in the northwest too long. I need to do a couple more sessions at the studio and I want to take and bust out a rough draft of my book (My Name Is NOT Edward), then I know I need to get to the big smoke.

 In my mind I know I need to get to LA or New York. One of the two so I can find a real publisher and agent to see what will happen. My plan is to push this stuff until my birthday (April 22) and if nothing happens, at least I will know I worked as hard as I could. In the last three years I have produced and recorded two albums, more than 50 podcasts (short), written 160 blog posts, a book (as I mentioned it is right now 600 pages of notes), and traveled all over the US and spent a year in Australia. I'm tired. Damn tired. All I want to do is find a place to call home, a place I can leave and know I can come back to. My goal is to be touring with book promotions and music, I wouldn't mind living on the road, as long as there is a place to return. So in closing, sorry I wasn't able to be funny, it's a hard thing to manufacture. Cheers, Buzzard.