Thursday, March 31, 2011

These are just some of the questions I get asked!

Dear Buzzsaw, I am 15 years old and tall for my height. Do you have any plans on getting into hip hop? I really love hip hop, and I would love to see you contribute to the genre. What do you think your rap name would be if you did? Jon in Lewiston ID
Dear Jon, I appreciate your enthusiasm, I am in fact very interested in hip hop. I have experimented with it in the past, and my rap name was Lil’ Buck. In the future I can see myself releasing at least one hip hop album every 3 years. It is fun to do, but I am afraid that people don’t take me seriously as a rapper, so I stick to singing country music most of the time. Sincerely Buzzsaw
Dear hotstuff, yes, I am into you in a sexual way, and yes, I have managed to hack into your Facebook account, so I know about all your girlfriends. Well I want to be one also. If you choose me you can count on being ravished four times every day, and also you can count on me tying you up to make sure you don’t run away. Kathy Bates is a hero of mine. Love, your true sweetheart and darling girl, Jess
Dear Jess, I don’t know what I did to turn you on so much. In case you were wondering I have terrible body odor and I constantly fart. My personal hygiene is limited. Also will you send me your info so I can report it to the proper authorities? Thanks my dear, Buzzsaw
To Whom It May Concern, if you eat my pop tarts I will gouge your eyeballs out! The management
Dear management, please do so; I would love to collect disability checks. Buzzsaw PS-the pop tarts were delightful!
Hi there! Do you want any free Viagra? I have fourteen cases I inherited from my grandfather who died. Of course I do not think it was the Viagra that killed him, it was probably the exertion caused by the three strippers he brought back to the Las Vegas hotel room. Well just figured that a guy like you could find a creative use for fourteen cases of Viagra. I have tried to think of what to do but I am shooting blanks. Also wanted to say that I love your work, especially because you actually do look a lot like Robert Patterson. Have a great day and send me an email if you want the Viagra. I will sell it to you on the cheap ;) I just need to have it out of the garage so I can park my new Prius. Love always, Robert Redford, Actor/Director/Producer
Dear Robert, did you check your email? Just wanted to let you know that I will take the Viagra. I am thinking about putting it into our local drinking water source, just to see the results. Just kidding, I eat that stuff like candy! Anyway, thanks; hope to see you at Sundance. Barnes
Hey sweetie, did you get the underwear I mailed you? The lacy black ones? Those are mine. I wanted you to put them on, take a picture, then mail the underwear and the picture back to me. You will do that won’t you? I would hate to have to tell you that I have fatal kidney failure and I will die in two weeks. It’s true, but I don’t like to bring it up. Anyway, if you could take the picture like I asked, plus sign some pictures (those are for my nephews who both have cancer); as well as write a song about my family, I would be much obliged. Love, Donald in Clallam County PS-I sent nude pictures of myself, wearing nothing but a mustache. You are sexy as hell, and if I wasn’t dying I would ask you on a date.
Dear Donald, I sent the pictures etc about a week ago, you should have them by now. If not please get back to me. Though I am a bit uncomfortable about it, since you are dying I am happy to do anything for you. Love and best wishes, Buzzsaw
Dear Buzzsaw, I think you are amazing. Sincerely Robert Pattinson PS-My girlfriend thinks you are hot. Please stay away from her!
Dear Robert Pattinson, right back at you! Buzzsaw PS-About the girlfriend. Kiss my ass. All is fair in love and war!
Dear Buzzsaw, I have HUGE breasts. Delany in Nebraska
Dear Delaney, do you feed your breasts corn? Buzzsaw
Dear Buzzsaw, I know this might sound crazy, but I am a 45 year old married woman, and I would do ANYTHING to sleep with you. When I say that you can believe it is true. In the past I have done things such as rob banks in order to gain the affections of a good man. In your case I would even go farther. I hope you don’t have a girlfriend, and if you do, she ain’t half the woman I am (literally or figuratively). If you want to know, I am a big woman who still looks sexy. I have guys hitting on me all the time, but I am saving myself for you. I noticed that you gave your address out in a video the other night. I have directions to your house and should be there in three days time. I will be wearing nothing but lingerie when you open the door, so you will know it is me. I have a tattoo of a phoenix on my shoulder and my dead ex’s face and initials on the back of my neck. The rest of my tat’s are pictures of you, or quotes you have said. I can’t stand being apart, I will see you soon. Love Mindy from Tulsa OK
Dear Mindy, All I can say is that I appreciate your devotion. Sadly I recently moved (this morning) and I don’t even know when I will be back in the country. You see, I am in Antarctica, and I really love it here. Hope you can buy some pictures off of my website though, love, Buzzsaw

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Sundown On the Range

The Luck Ranch was southeast of the town of Ellensburg Washington in an area called Badger Pocket. I never saw any badgers out there, but it kind of looks like a pocket. The first time I went out was with my friends Jacob and Danny. We had been invited out by Danny's mom and step-dad (Gene Luck), to have a hearty steak and potato's dinner and play some old time music. It was a dream come true.

Danny, Jake and I had met at the local college church group and had bonded instantly. Not only did we stick out because we loved western and old time country music, but we were all blue collar workers and older than the regular college crowd. Instead of getting together to play video games and high five each other, we got together and played Tom T Hall records, or told stories about our wild days. So when Danny invited us up to the ranch, we eagerly joined him. Not that many college students will pass on a free steak dinner, but we just wanted to go to the ranch. It was classic.

When we pulled in to the driveway, it was evident that we were in cattle country. There was an old barn, a corral, and a couple horses standing around looking at us with their big horse eyes. We were greeted by a smiling woman who was hefty enough that we trusted her cooking, but obviously capable of handling horses and taking care of the rest of the livestock. A solid pioneer type. She was joined by a short sort of wiry looking man, who had a contagious grin. In fact they both did. They welcomed us into the ranch house, and we were home.

It was a beautiful place. Every decoration spoke of the west. There were old blankets, carved wooden cowpony's, and prints of Remmington paintings depicting cowboy's and Indians. If not for the smell of home cooking, the laughter we were sharing, and the fact that it was so homey, it could have been a museum. I have always admired the old ways, but it felt good that as a musician I was welcomed as an honored guest for keeping traditions alive. Both Jake and I had always felt out of place in a lot of circles, so to be treated as a part of the rich history of the west seemed unbelievable. Then we sat down to dinner.

After eating until we were full, we moved into the living room where we took turns playing songs. Jacob played from his repertoire of classic country songs, while I played my own. In particular I remember old Gene roaring with laughter during the ending of my song "Diamond in The Rough" which is sort of a theme song of mine. I wrote it while I was living in Jacob's laundry room and feeling like a vagrant. Now we sat by the fire, swapping stories, poems and songs, I felt like my life was coming in to focus. All the years I had worked on playing and writing music were being vindicated by true pioneers. True cowboys and living links to the old west. We parted ways at the end of the night, Cindy and Gene waved to us from the door, the light reflecting on the trophy case in the hall. Finally, my music had found a home. A home on the range.

Over the course of the next year, we went out to the ranch a couple more times. Gene and Cindy would tune in to my radio shows every week. They would sometimes call in to take requests. I remember having my friend Vanessa Small (now singing lead and writing the songs for The Brambles). Cindy told Danny that she sounded like a young Emmy Lou Harris. Of course they sing in a different range, but the compliment was lovely. We were young people on a mission, and we were on the right track. It was what we needed to send us off into the world of music that we cared so much about.

I graduated in March of 2005. Soon after I was on my way to Vietnam, where I worked on a safe drinking water project. After that I went to Japan where I played country music all over the island of Kyushu, with some very good Japanese musicians. It was amazing. I felt like I had the credentials to do this. I was a true musician of the wild west. Not a cowboy, but I had cowboy friends. I got back to the states and went back out to Ellensburg to visit. Danny and Jake and I of course visited Gene and Cindy and I told them about my trip. They were amazed by my stories, plus I had learned "Folsom Prison Blues" in Vietnam, so I had to play that. It was a beautiful June day when we said goodbye. Little did I know that things would be vastly different the next time we saw each other.

Sometime in August I got a call from Danny. He told me that Gene had been diagnosed with aggressive lung cancer. I was unable to come visit for awhile, and by the time I did they had sold the ranch and moved out to a small cottage where they could live out Gene's last days. When Danny took me in to the house they were at it was totally different. They had some of the old decorations up, but it was a square cinder block room, it had none of the cheer that the ranch house had. Gene sat wrapped in a blanket, his body whithered away by the rapidly advancing cancer. He was too sick for music, so I left my guitar at home. He spoke in a whisper, and even though death was at his door, old Gene still had a twinkle in his eye. I told him what I was doing and he smiled. I don't remember any "words of wisdom" it seems to me we had already shared it. But when Danny left the room, Gene perked up.

"Tell Danny. That your going to New York" he whispered. OK I thought. Waiting for the rest of the instructions. "Danny's going to New York. Tell him your going to New York." Now Danny Snider is a jolly little Irishman, and I above all love to give him a hard time. He is such a good old boy that my slick way of talking and wickedly sly humor have a way of tricking him every time. I told Gene I would do it.

Danny came back in and I winked at Gene. "Oh Danny, did I tell you I'm going to New York?" I asked innocently. "No way! I'm going to New York!" He replied like an excited leprechaun who has found an extra pot of gold under his rainbow. "Really? What are you going for?" I asked, like a fox about to steal a dozen eggs. "It's a trip for church. That is so crazy that we're both going to New York. What are you going for?" "I met a girl." At this point Gene and I exchanged a look of satisfied victory. "You met a girl in New York?" "Well actually I met her on the internet and she lives in New York!" By this point it was hard not to laugh, but somehow Danny bought it. It was amazing. I hardly even used email in 2005, and the chances of me meeting a girl online were minuscule. I was from the old school. But that gullible little Irishman believed me. Finally I had to admit that I was joking. Of course Danny was flustered, but Gene was smiling with his eyes, and that's why I did it.

That was the last time I saw old Gene Luck. He passed away a couple weeks later. Now he is riding herd on the big range in the sky. I have a few songs I tried to write for him, I think I will finish them someday soon, but for now, all I can do is try and live my life the way he would have wanted me to. He wasn't so concerned with the things most adults would be concerned with. I think he would rather have me playing my songs and telling my stories than trying to fit into a mold I wasn't cut out for. Old Gene knew what it meant to be happy and to do work you were proud of. I will never forget him.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

There are two kinds of women: Cougars vs Non-Cougars

At the suggestion of a friend I am delving into the topic of how women differ from each other. This is most certainly a stupid thing to do. First of all, besides from the fact that a lot of women are jealous of each other and mean to each other, I really don't know much. Second of all, my main experience with women besides the last year has been from having two sisters. The reality is I know almost nothing. The chances of getting crucified for what I say in this piece are extremely high, so I want to tell my family I love them, and thank you friends for your support. Here goes.

I have to start out from the time I was operating the store in Forks. It was the most interaction I had with women up to that point in my life. I was selling pictures as a genuine look-alike actual fake Twilight guy, the star of a movie whose fanbase is probably 95.9% female. So that was generally our customer base. I noticed a distinct difference right away between the older (cougars, for the general purposes of simplicity) and the younger women. That was this. The cougars, would walk right in and say what they wanted. If they wanted to talk about grabbing my ass, they would. Now they were mostly polite, but they let their feelings show. No problem, they didn't care. I came to call them "The Older and Bolder."

The younger women on the other hand were quite often very shy. Sure they have 5,000 posters of Edward in their bedroom, but they would freeze up when it came time to take pictures. Now mind you, the resemblance is apparently striking, so the shock is understandable, but with the younger women it would linger, whereas the older and bolder would be sassy as hell after a very short time. Of the women I had scream and run away from me, all of them were young. Of the ones who were so star struck they could hardly talk, 90% were young. It was cute.

As far as women go, I would say there is sort of a grey area in the late 20's that is not cougars nor so called young women. These were very interesting. Sometimes, they would be straight up, hell bent for leather to have a good twilight time. But often they would make up heinous lies about "going to the Hoh rain forest" or "camping on first beach" of course being a sort of trusting guy, I believed them. Only to find out later that they were in fact closeted Twihards. How the hell else would a woman from New York end up in Forks and Twidentify me at the Three Rivers Camp ground? Duuuuuh! Twihard!

As for the cougars there is something similar in their age group. Despite their boldness, they did have a weakness, they were damn liars! You don't know how many times I have heard the phrase "Can I get a picture with you? It's for a friend, she will really get a kick out of it!" As if I believe that bullshit! Just admit its for you! Then pay me! If you want my time pay me! And don't play me for the fool woman, because you know damn well that you are going to take it home and get all hot over it, then go ravish your husband, all the while thinking about the British guy you are obsessed with, but through the lens of the wild American writer you managed to actually meet! Just admit it. I started calling bullshit now. At some point you just get tired of the pretense.

I don't know if that makes anything clearer, it might have just muddied the waters. I will say that there is no hard and fast rule because humans are individuals, no matter how much we rely on groups to survive. There will always be a point when our true colors come out, and sometimes those colors came flying out around The World's Most Twidentified Man! To all you ladies, thank you, you are wonderful, you deserve a man to treat you right, and in all likelihood, it ain't gonna be me! But I love you anyway! Buzzsaw

Postscript: I must add that due to the totally unexpected phenomenon of fans running away from me (not because I didn't look like the actual look-alike) I was only able to survive because of the older and bolder, and the fans of Jacob Black. Also there were a surprising number of people who had never heard of Twilight, but saw pictures and thought what we were doing was ballsy and hilarious. They bought a lot of pictures.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Summit Entertainment: Are they a bunch of bastards??!!!

Why would I choose a title like this if I don't personally know Summit Entertainment? Because I liked it. Personally I have no idea whether the employees and owners of Summit Entertainment come from legitimate married parents. Hell these days when they are cloning people and all that nonsense, does it even really matter? No. And actually the popularized usage of the term bastard these days is something more like "jerkoff" or "prick." As this is the use I am aiming for, I feel comfortable saying this. Note that I said "might be" instead of the definitive, so it is a hypothesis on my part. Still I think it is worth examining.

From my perspective this is what I know about Summit. They started out as a distributor of US films to foreign markets. Apparently they found this boring and not lucrative enough, so they started moving towards production, and in the late 90's began turning out films so terrible, that I can't even remember the names of any of them with the exception of "Sex Drive" which shows a lot more about what a complete perv I am than the quality of the film. Essentially, Summit never had a hit until the movie Twilight was produced, a film so under produced that they had to hire a Tom Cruise look-alike (Peter Facinelli) not to mention rounding out the rest of the cast with random folks most people had never heard of, with the exception of Shark Boy, whose real name I can't remember. Anyway, the movie was made on the cheap, and it is fairly obvious from the production values. Not that I blame them, they probably didn't have any money. Well the film was a hit. A major hit. In all likelihood my readers have seen it. Amazingly enough I have seen it.

Well after the success of Twilight, I think it went to their heads. They started selling merchandise an licensing to random and assorted vendors with little regard as to where they were placing their lead actors faces. From what I can tell they didn't even tell the actors much, which in my opinion would be courteous. "Hey Pattinson, your mug is gonna be on a crown at Burger King!"  To me a text message would seem nice. But really I don't think this makes them bastards, it might be normal. It is something of a bastard grey area. When they really became bastards in my opinion was after they swept the Oscars with The Hurt Locker, probably the best movie they have made to date. After that, they really got an ego. Two hits (Twilight and Twilight: New Moon) and multiple Academy Awards. Big time. Still I didn't know that they were truly bastards until I saw Eclipse.

What made me hate Summit when I saw Eclipse was the treatment of Seattle. It is my hometown, so maybe that is why I am mad, but I would like to think I would want to see any city that a movie is set in treated fairly. What they did was shameful. To begin with, it would not have been difficult for them to have sent a couple of guys with cameras down so they could use parts of Vancouver (they filmed there because Washington state is run stupid and taxes films so much that nobody shoots here, which is nice) which look like Seattle. Instead, they just used a bunch of random shit. They should have at least filmed on a hill to make it look real. But that is not the worst. There were a couple of sweeping city shots, used to give the scenes a "sense of place" and they were a complete failure. Instead of using real film footage, which they could have bought from Frazier or Sleepless in Seattle, they went CGI. It was not good. It looked like a piece of crap, made by the hands of a bastard. A steamy little basturd cake. NOT Good. Seattle is a very recognizable city, with its unique skyline and the mountains across the Puget Sound, instead we get something only a true bastard would love. Aahhh, it feels good to say it.

Now I have heard tell of some of the Summit employees being nice and some being total bastards, but really, who can you trust? I would like to say it is better to trust your own personal experience. So I went out of my way to determine if they really were bastards. First I went to the Eclipse premiere. I was summarily attacked by twihards who thought I was either Rob Pattinson's long lost brother, or the best damn look-alike they had ever seen. Turns out it was him that was the look alike since he is so much younger, anyway, I saw some bastardly stuff, and some not. I was lucky enough to find some sweet girls who were willing to give me a wristband into the bleachers to watch the red carpet arrivals, the people letting us in were bastards. They yelled at everyone, acting as if they were working as prison guards instead of letting well behaved women and girls (and a few guylighters) into the audience. I was not impressed. I would have like to rough some of the bastards up, but I was afraid of getting over powered and barred from the event. Once inside however I found the staff to be mostly nice, they even had promotional drinks, because the stands were hotter than a bastard. Anyway, I came away thinking it was a draw. The actors and actresses had been cool, but the others were kind of bastards. I still had more research to do.

My next jaunt was to Baton Rouge to see what I could see as they started filming Breaking Dawn the final two part movie in the Twilight Saga. What pissed me off was that the bastards said they were going to be filming but they weren't, which made me think they were bastards. On the other hand, they didn't owe me anything, and maybe I was pissed because they didn't hire me to be Rob's double, the bastards. Anyway, I gave them the benefit of the doubt, and called it null, since they weren't filming. But still I wasn't satisfied, by now I was convinced that they MUST be bastards, but there was a lingering doubt. Next stop Vancouver.

Being in Seattle, I saw that they were filming in Vancouver, so I made the trek. I almost missed any action because they canceled a shoot due to a tsunami warning, and I think it was wise, though nothing happened. But on March 14, I located a film shoot and went to check it out. I was standing on the sidewalk of the building adjacent to the Orpheum Theater, when I finally confirmed the worst, they are probably bastards. There were probably 20 people max standing talking amongst ourselves on the sidewalk, trying to see if anyone would come in or go out of the building, when a lanky looking nerd of some sort of black curly haired, olive skinned origin came over. Like a slimy little bastard he addressed the group, as he was obviously not man enough to speak to anyone individually. "Your not going to see anything. You can wait all day, but your not going to see anything" It was something the annoying bully at school would tell the nice kid waiting in line at the zoo to see the baby panda. He was acting as if this group of women and girls was going to attack, or worse yet, take a picture and sell it to a magazine, which would actually promote the movie!

Anyway, he was and is a bastard, I got some good video footage of him, and even some up the nose shots. With my HD camera I caught every pore on his bastardly face. What's more, he had a Louisiana State University beanie on, so I assumed he was with the crew down in Baton Rouge, so it goes to show that they were probably bastards there too. Along with the lame and lanky beanie man, was a beard and someone so forgettable I forgot them. They too were bastards. It seems to me, that the least they could do would be to engage these loyal fans in some friendly banter, saying things like "Yeah the movie is going to be awesome, are you going to the premiere?" which anyone who is not a true bastard would realize would make them all the more eager to watch the movie. The fans might have even told there friends how cool the people at Summit were. They were out there acting like bastards to the point that I was beginning to wonder if they were not getting paid. Hah! Bastards.

In conclusion, I would like to say this, it seems to some degree that Summit is in fact a bunch of typical bastards. On the other hand I am drawing from a few isolated incidents. I would be remiss to label the entire entity bastards without further evidence. That is where my readers come in. I am sure that between the three of you there might be some sort of notion as to the bastardization of Summit Entertainment. So please use the comment thread to share your stories, so we can really get to the bottom of this irksome question. Thank you kindly for your support, Buzzsaw, who is in fact a definite bastard.

Note: In the summer of 2010 I lived in Forks Washington and had the good fortune to fall in with the local Harley guys. Through that association I met some riders from eastern Washington, one of whom was a military explosives detonation expert, who had served at least two tours in Iraq and was headed back again, a real cowboy. Since I had enjoyed The Hurt Locker, I asked him (being an expert) if it was realistic. He laughed whole heartedly and said it was awful. So, on account of this expert witness I would have to conclude that it is more evidence that Summit Entertainment are at least bastards, and possibly rat bastards. Who would make a movie that mocks our soldiers who are risking their lives to serve their country? Only a mother bitch bastard. Yep, I think those bastards are bastards!

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Anyone else a virgin? I am...

Actor Charlie Sheen is bringing his "Torpedo of Truth" tour to Seattle this spring. I failed to buy tickets, but I have managed to cobble together my own "Torpedo of Truth" using my computer, craigslist, and the tiger blood that pumps freely through my veigns (who do you think Sheen goes to when he needs a transfusion). Here are just a few of the posts I found revealing, and mind you I only looked at about 15. What I found was that in Seattle people are fairly moronic. Please enjoy the following:

Note: Due to the weird formatting and prolific spelling errors, yours truly has decided not to attempt a spellcheck, any mistakes are part of my intent. That's right, you are wrong!

Anyone else a virgin? I am... - m4w - 26 (Seattle)

Date: 2011-03-20, 3:48PM PDT
Hope you've had a good start to Spring! My name is Josh.... I want to thank you for reading my cl post!

I was wondering the reasons why some people why to have sex and others don't. I have waited due in large part to my faith and not finding the one. If you dont mind can you tell me a few reasons that you have waited or will wait again. 
Hope to hear back from you and what your thoughts are on the question I asked.


Dear Josh, those of us who grew up in church youth groups refer to people like you as "bible pimps." I am sure you are prodigous at giving back rubs and will always listen to vulnerable girls. From your post it is clear you are not a virgin. Nobody who is actually a virgin would try to start a "discussion" about the topic, especially on craigslist. The fact is, you know that you can find some girl somewhere who got passed over at the dance, and you know that it will make easy pickin's for your sleazy ways. the reason you are single Josh is because you are a spineless idiot who portay's himself as a "sensitive guy" in order to get easy sex. Yes thats right, you lost your virginity at church camp in 8th grade. It was most likely on the baptism night when everyone got emotional and you put the "what if it's the end of the world" question out there and the deacons daughter ate that shit up. Moron. Anyway, I am sure that your life will be awful, given your lack of creativity and your general laziness. You used to get away with being cute, but you are too stupid to realize that playing Wii will not actually help you stay fit. I hope she dupes you and you end up with an STD so horrid it has no name. Thank you for making my town look terrible. Buzzsaw

Know How To French Braid? Wanna Teach Me?? - w4mw (West Seattle)
Well Im am a fellow citizen that's looking to learn how to braid. I have always wanted to learn but never had the time to. I know there's probably lots of videos and websites on the web explaining how to but I am so much better with people lol. Um get back at me if you think you could help me out with this.

Dear "Fellow citizen"I have seen your post before. I am wondering just what you mean by "French braid" it seems to me that if you had to keep this post up for 3 months that there is something fishy about you. I respect your perverted creativity, maybe you have a braiding fetish. Maybe you are insane. Citizen, you intrigue me. I do in fact know how to french braid, and I have finally emailed you. Buzzsaw

be my friend im cool - m4w - 26 (seattle)
like to drink like to smoke and want a friend that is laid back. hit me up

Dear Mr Cool. The days of the Marlboro man are long past. Did you know that it is no longer "cool" in Seattle to smoke? It's actually illegal unless you are 20 feet outside a building. In the pissing Seattle rain you want to find a laid back friend to stand around with you? Please my good man, join a citizens action group. Buy a Prius. Go green dipshit! That is what is "cool" in Seattle. Have a great life, and consider moving to Reno. Buzzsaw.

frappuccino update - m4w - 45 (tacoma)
I had 6 yesterday, can you guess how many I've had today and what flavors?

Dear Frappucino Fred, either you are the biggest idiot I have ever met or the biggest genius. Buzzsaw PS- I am aware I have never met you.
     wanna fight? - m4m - 37 (Seattle)

Date: 2011-03-20, 10:00AM PDT
   great day to go fight outside (or inside) - looking for some ruff fun with a buddy - fight over a football maybe - no trips to the ER or police - just some buds playing ruff - athletic guy here - u should b 2
Dear kind sir, why don't you join a boxing gym? Buzzsaw
Dashing Handyman here to help you - m4w - 44 (Yelm)
              Dashing Handyman here to help you. Perhaps you need mechanical assistance wand don't know where to go. Maybe your outdoor power equipment needith your car and don't know where to go. Maybe your outdoor equipment needs work before spring arrives? Possibly you have a home improvement task that needs done like a faucet, toilet or dishwaser repaired. Maybe you just need some honest advice before you take on a project. Whatever the task I am here to help you. All I ask for in return is that you respect my time and maybe offer me a home cooked meal. Please be local to the south sound area. I have some free time so lets get those projects started!
To a Dashing Handyman, I have been to Yelm. I did not see anyone I would consider "Dashing" but perhaps you were an import. It seems you have made enough money to work for food. Clearly you are a pervert. I hope her husband comes home for a forgotten sack lunch while you are getting "handy" love Buzzsaw PS-I am pretty handy and if you get too many responses to attend to, I am also a huge pervert.
Who wants to txt a thick, blk, curvy chick? Latino? Pic4pic - w4m - 24
Hello everyone.. Im just looking for a txt buddy. Just some nice clean convo. If your interested send a pic and lets see where things go:)
Dear thick/curvy, are you black or Latino? Also since "latino" means masculine, does this mean you are a male? A transvestite? Text me later and tell me all about it! Buzzy

Doin' My Time With The Border Patrol!

Dear readers, I apologize for my lack of activity this month, there are many reasons I could give, but instead, I will take action. Here is an update on my life and the state of the world in general. Consider this assorted BS. First of all, I would like to dedicate this to the staff at both the Canadian and American side of the Washington State/British Columbia Peace Arch Border. You are all truly wonderful people. If I never see any of you again, my life will be complete. Both of the crossings were fraught with peril, mysterious, and overall dreadful affairs, and both with their unique set of darkly comical elements.

Canadian: It seems that all 11 Canadians who do not smoke marijuana have been given guns, tazers, and full control of inspecting cars and drivers at this checkpoint. My first mistake was telling them I am a professional musician. If I told them I was a professional rapist I might have had an easier time. In fact I imagine that the border guard might have even had some suggestions for popular rape locations within the province. Instead I was assured that they did not care whether or not I used drugs. At the same time they repeatedly asked me this question. Afraid to say that I ate a Tylenol that morning to ward off a hangover, I just said no. Are you sure? Yes. Do you play music on the street? It seems that American street musicians have been making off with untold millions in Canadian loonies, equivalent to the GNP of Cambodia. I was unaware. After searching my car, and failing to notice the camera which was sitting on the front seat, the thick necked border guard (this was the thick necked man, the woman was in the booth) asked again if I was going to be playing music. When I informed him that I indeed had no musical instruments in the vehicle he somehow managed to remember. I was shaking when I left, a combination of coffee, lack of substantial breakfast, and having an officer with a gun repeatedly ask me why I was nervous. Thank you Canadian border guards, you are "special."

Americans: I left Vancouver from the set of Twilight Breaking Dawn around 3:30 in order to get to Seattle by a reasonable time. Comical as it may seem, I though I might be able to slip past the watchful eye of the Homeland Security Puppetry and Dildo Division by lying. I told the woman at the booth that I was a welder for Olsson MFG (my former job) and she asked no further questions. She then said I needed to pull to the side for a "random" inspection. It seems that if you look like you are cool you are screwed at the border.

(I forgot to mention that a gasoline canister had spilled in Vancouver and I had been driving with the windows open to prevent death by fume inhalation. I was concerned that they might think I was high. So somewhat nervous, I entered the building)

Inside the building there were two lines. I looked at the slip of paper I had been given and tried to determine which one I needed to be in. I finally got in the longer of the two, because I am that stupid. In the end it took far longer and we were actually made to stand in the other one anyway. Behind me a man came in and asked a bald, experienced looking guard which line he was supposed to stand in. The guard said he didn't know what the difference was. He said either one would work, though at the beginning of the line there was a placard which clearly indicated that they were indeed different. The man behind me chose the other and was probably gone an hour before me. For future reference, choose the shorter line.

Like the Canadian side, the guards took their sweet time looking at the paperwork and processing people. In this instance there were 20 computer monitors that could have been used, and about two officers processing at a rate of perhaps one person every 30 minutes. From all indications the empty computers are dedicated to Farmville and pornography, and are not to be used for any other purpose. It was about 15 minutes that I stood in the line before another cool looking guy walked up behind me. In the 90 minutes that we were standing there we talked about bands we were in, movies and artists we liked, and it was revealed that we were both bloggers (here's to you Seth!). After 90 minutes, we were sent to the other line, by a smug looking guard who was just about to go on break (he had been reading a Dick, Jane and Spot book behind a porno computer). Another 20 minutes and I was ordered to stand in front of a tired looking guard named "Abalone" or something. He was trying to get the attention of another guard who was coughing, by saying repeatedly "it's cause they smoke in the booth. Jones smokes in the booth." When I asked if that was illegal, his glassy eyes looked up and he informed me that it was, and that they don't have very good hiring standards at the border. He was so tired I probably could have loosed my rage right there and it would have been fine. Instead I just answered the few questions he asked me. he wasn't even listening.

Poor Seth had drawn the slow horse. His guard was an Chinese man in his 50's named Li. He was on a mission to extract every possible bit of information that he could from Seth. Asking how he was traveling if he had quit his job (I assume because he had saved money and because he didn't have to go to work). He wanted to know why he wanted to go to Oregon, and Seth said he was moving from Arizona because of the weather. Of course the man was damn near impossible to understand, and probably thought he was some sort of general in an army of the Han dynasty instead of stationed outside of Blaine Washington at the Peace Arch. Abalone did a search of my vehicle (after taking 12-15 minutes to put on hat, gloves and jacket to go out into the bracing 60 degree weather) and I was released. As Seth has not found me on Facebook, it can safely be assumed that he is still at the border.

Well, I hate to inform you that the general report I was going to give has been overtaken by the dedication. I love you border patrol, may your children all become musicians. And live at home their entire lives. And may your necks grow ever thinner and shoulders less stout. Sincerely, Buzzsaw

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Someone fell for it. Glad it wasn't you!

The beauty about Craigslist is that it allows one to research a place without actually going there. As they say, take a trip and never leave the farm (which was a line from song called Wildwood Weed, an ode to psychadelics). Today I have transported myself to Adelaide Australia. The city of churches. I don't know if the two people I feature go to those churches, if they do they should pray for more brains. Here is the story.

I went to the personal postings, and it seems that in Adelaide folks have other ways to meet people there were only a handful of posts. Luckily one of them was this:

Wealthy International Businessman etc etc etc - 45 (Adelaide)

Date: 2011-03-09, 12:43AM CST
I'd just like to warn people of a man posting on CL such things as "Wealthy International Businessman" arrived from places like the French Riviera. Please do not reply, he is a convicted conman and I'd hate people to be caught out like I was.

What amazed me was the fact that someone would fall for something like this in the first place. I was also amazed that the person admitted it. I can only guess that it is actually some kind of accomplice because how would they know that the conman had been convicted...Maybe it is being used to trick people who have a fetish for being conned...strange and funny. It was interesting as well that three entries down I found this:

Arrived from France wealthy Int Bussinessman (Adelaide)

Date: 2011-02-21, 1:00AM CST
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Have been in this wonderful city 8mths,have yet to meet a woman
that can capture my attention or desire to feel fulfilled in mind and body.If you have a presence that stops the world then send me words and a recent photo that might stop mine.Not interested in dreamers or bull shit,keep it real,honest and raw,must be addicted to living and love travel,the ocean,the french riviera and Definatly not stuck in Vanilla.If you want to live life no regrets laugh,dance,eat,sing,drink good wine,explore the places no one wants you to see,love passion,hunger for wild lust without fear,then be brave nothing ever happens without effort and a change.YES? Give me something worth reading,No photo No response,not that hard to understand is it.
After reading it I am shocked that anyone who even has the mental capacity to turn on a computer and operate the internet would fall for it. It starts big and gets bigger. First off, I would guess that most wealthy businessman can spell businessman correctly. I also find it fishy that a man of his wealth and obvious class could remain anywhere for 8 months and not meet a lady that can captivate him. Also "Just Arrived From France" 8 months ago? How is that "just arriving" it doesn't even make sense! His charm is evident throughout with lines like "Not interested in dreamers or bull shit,keep it real,honest and raw,must be addicted to living and love travel,the ocean,the french riviera and Definatly not stuck in Vanilla." how can you not be blown away! He is quite clearly a wealthy businessman, so I guess his insistence on "no dreamers" makes loads of sense. One can just imagine him dictating this to his secretary who probably is in love with him, but doesn't stand a chance because she doesn't have "hunger for wild lust without fear" and she isn't sure if she has "a presence that stops the world." A man like that is one in a million, and common folk should stay away. I think the man is slumming by using craigslist. And yes, I am now quite convinced that the first post was placed there by someone who did not send a picture. I changed my mind, the man is a god to me. Merely mortal Buzzsaw.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Twihard With A Vengeance! Real-time in BC!

I am sitting in a Starbucks across from the Orpheum Theater in downtown Vancouver. They are filming Twilight Breaking Dawn (or wind depending on perspective) in the lobby I believe. Actually I have no idea where in the theater they are filming, all I know is that they are. If I were able to buy a book called "Celebrity Look-a-likes For Dummies" I would. Unfortunately it doesn't exist. Yet. Until I write it I will have to walk around awkwardly. trying to figure out what to do.

I woke up around 8, I should have been outside since 6 am or something. fortunately for me, I can make even the mundane sound interesting, so getting a scoop with set photos is unimportant to me. I just want crazy. I am wearing a shirt that says "Twihards Rule" and I have done two laps around the building. The first time I only blew a couple minds.

I can see the crew and gear on the sidewalk, a lot of them are standing around smoking. The first really great interaction was when I came down an alley from the north side and popped out on a security guard and a big fella. Their eyes nearly popped out of their heads. I needed to check out of my hostel room, so I walked back, talked with some new international friends and got out.

I went to my car to see if it had been towed and put my backpack in. I was greeted by the smell of gas. I somehow knocked over my gas can and the lid popped off. It will be a long drive to Seattle with the windows open, but you want your boy home in one piece right? So suffer I will. Anyway, the second time around the block was even funnier. There are a group of obsessed fans standing around with umbrellas right across the street from me. When I appeared in front of them they all freaked out. But they only stared and talked about me, as if I didn't know. So I hit one with some intense eye contact as I walked past. Then I stopped right up the block and got out the video camera and got some crappy footage. That is what I am currently doing. Camping out on the fringes of Breaking Wind.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Uncanny Resemblance

"You know, you look like Bam Margera!" If you imagine this phrase in an Irish accent and the scene to be a restroom at The Blarneystone in Vancouvers Gaslight District, you will have an idea what last night was like. In fact that was not the first time I was Bam Margera-dentified. I am happy about it. But really I am more twidentified really. In fact I was inspired to write a short list of uncanny similarities between Rob Pattinson and one Buzzsaw Barnes.

I guess a good enough starting point is that Rob is from the Barnes district of London. Its strange enough that he looks so much like me, but did his mum and dad really have to live in a place that is the same as my last name? It's weird. Two sisters. Both of us. Although he is youngest and I am in the middle it is still uncanny. I think even stranger than that is our hobbies and passions.

The fact that we both play guitar is not so odd. Literally billions of people belong to the "guitar army." What is truly weird is that we are both good at music. In fact last night while Rob was or was not bedded down with Kristen Stewart, I was jamming with street musicians and making money for them. In fact a group of dudes ran across Granville street by the Sears building to give them money. I ended up playing without a pick and bleeding all over the guitar. That is how I roll. One thing I know is true, it's a good thing I am straight crazy.

We both like to read, which in this day in age is kind of weird. In college I was in a weight training class and the guys I was lifting with were talking about video games (I was Rob's age at this point). They asked me what I thought, and I told them I didn't play video games. Dumbfounded one of the bro's asked what on earth I did if I didn't play video games. I told him I liked to read. He looked at me as if I had a unicorn's horn. It makes me happy that Rob reads too.

Obviously Rob is an actor. Though I have never done any film or play acting, I have done a lot of acting. The venue that I have used is voice acting. I am a radio man. In my opinion there is nothing more fun than creating funny characters and putting them in weird situations. That is what I did on air. We also had a lot of fun recording them for PSA's (public service announcements). What I like about this similarity is that we each have our own style. I am mostly a comic actor/story teller, though I would love to be in crime, western, or war movies. I could not pull off the roles Rob takes, and I am glad. The last thing the world needs is two Edward Cullen's!

Another similarity is that we are both weird. In an interview Rob said he was excited to live in a place with a microwave for the first time and that he was having fun microwaving crazy stuff like carrots. This sounds like a blast! I have lot of weird hobbies and games such as Tubin' which I know might look dumb to women, but guys love it, especially when combined with beer. 10 to 1 odds, I could make a hell of a tuber out of Mr RPattz.

I will finish with this. We were born 7 years apart, but within 23 days of each other. If you know me, I have always though the zodiac signs were a load of crap. I still do. Both Rob and I are Taurus' the bull. I have no idea of our supposed personality traits, but I am sure they are vague, which is why the horoscope seems like it is right.

My hope is that somehow I can trace my lineage to some kind of common relative. If I were even a cousin 100 times removed I would immediately claim it and I would make a ton of money. It would make my life really easy. Perhaps some of my Barnes relatives had some kind of ancient minstrel relative that is also related to Rob. I am not banking on this, but it would be really nice.

In closing, I am really glad that Rob is a seemingly really nice and humble guy. He is obviously talented. I am cheering for him and really hoping that his next couple movies will establish him as something beyond Twilight. I think he is going to do it. Really we are both in the same situation. Except for the fact that I am poor and relatively unknown, and did not actually appear in Twilight. We both think Stephanie Meyer is crazy too! Rob's opinion. Buzzsaw's opinion. Anyway, much love and respect to my fake younger brother. If you want to mess with him you will have to watch out for me. I do not fight fair either. Have a wonderful day, Buzzsaw.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Prayer For Japan

"You have a Japanese soul." A simple statement. I can't even remember who said it. I think it could have been at the country bar in Fukouka. I was drinking whiskey with a Japanese bluegrass band called "Back In Business." They liked my songs, and I liked them. "Your Japanese is very good. And very strange." These guys really knew me. I wasn't even speaking Japanese, just broken English with a Japanese accent. They just thought it was Japanese, I guess it was in a way. That night I played a song I wrote for a young Japanese country singer who reminded me of an Asian Patsy Cline. Dear Rosey, won't you play another song for me. I wrote it in a hotel room in Kumamoto. Finally resting after my late nights playing at Goodtime Charlie Nagatani's club.

It was the day after I was invited to play at a small festival on Aso mountain. Me and Buddy (Charlie's debauched fiddle player) had driven 3 hours after being up most of the night. I broke three strings during my short set. I also said "Itadakimasu" after a song, which means thank you. Thank you for food. Woodie Guthrie they called me. my Japanese mother adopted me the first time I met her. Gotou-chan, I will return to Kyowa's Coffe shop in Kumamoto. We will drink a glass of whiskey together and I will play a song for you. And since you are my Japanese mother you can then cook me dinner.

I had a Japanese soul as a kid. I was captivated by the stories of feudal Japan. Castles and samurai. The architecture speaks to me. The simplicity. In a Japanese painting every line counts. They were all put there on purpose. Flower arrangements. I didn't even have any Japanese friends and I still loved it. But that would change.

I started volunteering with ESL speakers at 19 and I have kept at it pretty much ever since. I started to learn Japanese from the students. Funny things. I wanted to learn about obscure celebrities. Kitajima Saburo. The Japanese Frank Sinatra. My Japanese father. With good timing, you trick a Japanese college like this. They ask you what you like. Music you say. Oh I like music too! What kind of music do you like? Oh many kinds. I play guitar. Oh sugoi (amazing!). I like American music, but I like Japanese music too! Eh? This always comes as a surprise. What kind of Japanese music do you like? Enka. EHHH!?? ENKA!!!!???? This a pretty big surprise. Then I say that I love Sabu-chan. I tell them he is my favorite musician. It gets them every time because the likelihood of anyone under 50 attending one of his concerts is very low. I should know because I went to one and there were three of us. The girl that got me the ticket, myself, and some poor kid who got dragged there by his mom.

Japan did I mention that I love you? Your people have housed me, fed me, given me wonderful presents, celebrated my birthdays, and given me more love than I deserved. Your pain is hard to bear. I will not cry because I am writing this in a coffee shop in Vancouver BC. It is tough trying to pretend that hunting down celeb's is important at all when I read of the devastation you are suffering. If I could, I would be living in Japan. I almost applied to teach your children this year. I promise I will return, and I will give back as much as I can. To all my Japanese friends, I love you, Ian-san, Iya-Ian, Sabu-Chan jr, and I forget what else you called me.

PS-I miss you Naomi and Sachiko, Rei, Yosuke, Ryosuke, Buddy, Charlie, Jordan & Marina, and the list goes on. Rieko I pray that you do not still work at Disney Sea, I hope you are all safe. Your friendship means so much to me.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Odd jobs done free! Is there some kind of catch?

I wanted to check out the craigslist for Melbourne Australia, and I found an angle I have never seen. Either this guy is really just a nice guy, or he has come up with a very clever way to meet women. Who can say no to free? Especially if you are a vulnerable widow. I really hope he is a nice guy not a rapist. Anyway, for those ladies in Melbourne, get some free stuff from this guy! If any married guys read this they might think about having their wives call him up so they can get free work. He might be a great friend. Anyway, this is my gift to you. Love always, Buzzsaw 

Handy Man / Odd Jobs DONE FREE - m4w - 46 (melbourne & suburbs)

Date: 2011-02-20, 11:02AM EST
Women needing the odd maintenance job done around the house can get it done for free. The only cost is for materials if needed. I have a lot of material I can supply but if needed to buy it is a cost. Married single retired ladies welcome to enquire.
Note: I have now posted a very similar ad in Seattle. I think now all I have to do is wait for the emails to roll in! Buzzsaw

A fart story is always welcome, right?

Sitting down to the dreaded task of conjuring up entertaining words and combining them in a fresh and edgy way, I had a plan. Then I remembered a story I promised a friend I would post. It just so happens to be a classic fart story.

I was a freshman at Interlake High School in Bellevue WA. My high school was notable for having been the high school the the members of Queensryche attended. It was kind of cool, but not really the cool you could brag about. Until now. Anyway, I had an awkward youth, homeschooling until 7th grade which is just enough to screw you up socially, but early enough that most people don't know you are screwed up until they notice the bizarre habits and behavior you have been hiding from them for years. Anyway, at 15 to say I was self conscious would be an understatement. I was like a wolf reintroduced to the wild. Who knows what the survival rate for those things is, but it's not great. Anyway, back to the fart story.

In 9th grade I was lucky enough to have a PE class that was split between 9th and 10th graders. This was awesome because though socially awkward I was not bad at sports and I was funny enough that I could interact in a class like that and still be fine. Another bonus was that there were some total older babes in the class, and they were blowing my young mind! I loved playing sports with the hot older women and I have to admit it was one of the highlights of the semester. The story I am about to tell took place during the basketball unit of our class. Here it is:

Our teacher was a man named Bob Haynes. I introduced the nickname "Textbook" Haynes, because when he demonstrated sports he looked just like a 1970's textbook. All his moves were old school. And perfect. One day he was showing us the perfect way to shoot a free throw. Legs bent, powerful stance, a spring with the legs and your right wrist snapped, with your hand "reaching into the cookie jar!" All the while a group of bored 9th and 10th graders was sitting on the gym floor trying to stay awake.

I don't remember if I had to fart before we sat down, but I am guessing it suddenly came upon me when the class got silent. It was bad. The gas was building up painfully in my stomach and I knew there was no way to try and let it sneak out silently. It was going to be bad. Imagine a silent gymnasium. That fart was going to resonate off the floor and echo through the room, embarrassing me in front of not only my peers but the older babes as well. I would rather have died. Asking "Textbook" Haynes if I could use the bathroom during his demo was not something I wanted to do either. He told us to use the restroom before class and it was kind of a rule. I really had no options. The gas was building to epic proportions. I felt like at any moment I might start floating away like a cut-rate Good Year Blimp. Something had to be done. That is when my cunning kicked in.

I was sitting by a guy named John, who was really nice guy and a friend of mine. He was also uptight and a total fall guy. I knew that if done correctly I could fart as loud as I wanted and get away with it, as long as I blamed it on him as fast as I could. I felt like a man who was about to rob a bank. "Textbook" was showing us how to box out for a rebound, but I couldn't hear him. He had turned into a droning noise in the background. Finally I let loose. Whhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaappppppttttthhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was one of the loudest farts I have ever heard. As soon as I started, I whipped my head around towards John as if he had just blown major ass, at the same time scooting away like he had the plague! The ruse worked. He was such an uptight and proper guy that he immediately turned beet red, convincing the entire class that he was the guilty party! The relief I felt at that moment was amazing. The entire class laughed at him, I was off the hook!

The cool part about it was that he was really cool about it in the locker room after class, plus he was cool anyway and had a girlfriend and stuff. I didn't ruin his life, but I sure as hell saved my own reputation, what little I had. Anyway, if you are looking for a moral, it could be "find a good fall guy" it could also be "don't fool around with Buzzsaw unless you get up REALLY early in the morning!" Peace!

Editors note: Buzzsaw told me to tell you that he cannot understate how good it felt when he finally farted. It was awesome!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Make this quick & Easy-Amarillo

Obviously I have been letting my love for craigslist die a bit this week, so I hopped on to see what was going on in Amarillo TX. Let me first tell you that if Craigslist is an indicator, the internet is a rare commodity in Amarillo. Either that or women. In the "Women seeking Men" section there were a grand total of three posts! Shocked I hopped over to the platonic section and was pleasantly surprised by this fine ad. It is a complex post, with a nice bouqet. Something that might need to be allowed the chance to breathe before you can take in the fruity tones and rich aftertaste. I particularly like the part about the "seizure problem." I expect that you will find this wonderful post as fascinating and pleasant as I did. If anyone is interested in texting him, I changed the number and if you contact me I can send the link with the correct one. Anyway, who says Buzzsaw doesn't love you? Peace!

make this quick and easy - 27 (amarillo)
Date: 2011-02-24, 5:46AM CST
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I dont care about your gender or anything really. I want to get to know people and find things to do but one thing that makes it hard to get out and meet people is... I don’t drive, never have and never will due to a seizure problem that is not noticeable 99% of the time unless you are staring directly at me. If that’s too much to handle I won’t hear from you but otherwise I would love to talk. I am looking for dating and/or more but when you reply to this post I know your not and i can accept that. I have posted under the relationship section for that purpose but we can all use more friends so Why not post here as well? Exactly, no reason not to. After dozens of responses to this posting i realized I need to add some important info, although i have no problems with gays and a couple of my friends are lesbians so have no problem being friends with gays/lesbians as friends but I am strictly for females when it comes to dating or more. I post in this platonic section for the purpose of finding friends at the platonic level. most of my friends are females but cant go out as often as i would like to since they have kids. While Im all for more female friends, I should probably try to hang out with some more males too. anyways, if ur looking for just friends, go ahead and text me. text me 9o7 fiveseventhree twenty ninetynine if you would care to talk.
 Postscript: FYI, I also have no problem being friends with lesbians and gays. Buzzsaw