Sunday, November 27, 2011

Twiligh Saga: Breaking Wind (A positive review!)

Most "normal" film reviewers and bloggers will work themselves into a sweat drenched frenzy in order to bring their reviews to the readers before the readers actually watch the movie. Obviously as the owner of multiple websites, I simply cannot work like that. I am a gentleman of leisure, so fighting my way through a rabid pack of menopausal women to see a movie I knew was based on a terrible story was very low on my priority list. But I could not postpone the inevitable forever. To be totally honest, I was curious. Even among groups of rabid Twilight fans, most will admit that the book Breaking Dawn is a clusterfuck of poorly developed bad ideas and massive plot holes, mixed in with references to "pillow biting" and pedophilia lite. In short; adapting Breaking Wind is a screenwriters nightmare. I knew it would be dreadfully delightful.

This moderate fan has already seen it 78 times! She is also single.
Before we dive into the movie itself, I must first attempt to summarize the book for the uninitiated. Here it is in the fewest possible words: Edward Colon is a vampire and preening little twat; he lives with his "adopted" vampire family in the feral town of Forks WA. His adopted father is the night doctor at the hospital, who also looks like a runway model. Edward has two "brothers" and two "sisters" who are also "in high school" and also "openly boning" which of course is totally unnoticed by anyone in town. Edward is the only Colon who has no sex in his life, presumably expending his energy on mind blowing vampire masturbation sessions (he is 17 forever). It all changes when Fella Swan, the police chiefs daughter moves to town (her mildly retarded mother was hitting the road with a minor league baseball team). Suddenly Edward wants to eat/bone Fella. She just wants the sex part. Edward tells her that he has skin which is icy, and hard like diamonds (sparkles too); at this point everyone makes a joke about Fella Getting "cold cocked"; which is low hanging fruit to say the least, something author Stephenie Meyer seems determined to provide. Did I mention that there are also wolf human hybrids who "imprint" (sort of like falling in love at first site) and it doesn't matter whether it is reciprocated, or the imprintee is a baby? After something like 1,700 pages of uninteresting and non romantic romance, we come to Breaking Wind, where Fella Swan will finally become a Colon. They get married, go to Brazil for their honeymoon, and Fella gets impregnated. After that, the entire drama in the first part of the book hinges on the unlikely premise that the wolf boys (good guys) will kill Fella (the heroine) because she is pregnant with a half vampire. Also the baby is slowly killing poor Fella (did I mention that she is a huge bitch?). This brings us to the movie version of Breaking Wind...

Review: Twilight Saga-Breaking Wind, Part one
Score: 9/10

When reviewing the movie versions of The Twilight Saga, one must always consider the source material. Speaking for myself, I have never read a worse story with less likeable characters and more plot holes than The Saga. As such, to hire professionals and adapt it for the screen is to rub the proverbial honey on the proverbial shit. Polishing a turd. It is simply impossible to use any "writing" by Stephenie Meyer and create something of quality. That said, I think the crew has done a marvelous job in taking horrible and obnoxious characters and making them decent. Not likeable, but not nearly as bad as they are in the book. Breaking Wind was no exception. For those keeping score I attended with The Missus and The Child (in Noarlunga, South Australia).

High Points:

1) They had at least one good make-up artist
In the previous Twilight installments, the supposedly good looking Colon family has such a strong resemblance to rapist mimes that "look like transvestites". Breaking Wind is no exception, that is, until they have to show Fella Swan dying. By golly they nailed it! For about 30 minutes poor dying Fella looks as much like a dying crack head I was starting to fiend for drugs I have never tried! Every tiny vein was showing through her translucent skin and her bones were clearly visible. It was great!

2) Stephenie Meyer made an appearance
In 98% of the reviews, it has been pointed out that Stephanie Meyer is actually obsessed with her own fiction. Even the films stars have made mention of this fact. I love her little personal touches, because everything she touches ends up hilarious (unintentionally). Sadly I missed seeing it, and I will have to wait for the DVD because I am not going back to the theater.

3) The honeymoon was funny as hell
Awkward, and as neutered as one would imagine from a movie which had to have a PG-13 rating so its Mormon author could watch it (this is NOT a joke). The thing I always found amusing was that the Colon family (who are sworn to secrecy about their vampiric state on pain of death) have housekeepers come out to the island. Not just any housekeepers though, but housekeepers from a mountain tribe which believes in vampires. Naturally they are suspicious. I wonder if it ever occured to the sleepless Colons that they have plenty of time to clean, and it would be a lot more secretive if they took care of it themselves. Another highlight was when Fella Colon was swooning away in the bedroom while Mr Colon waited in the ocean (to cold cock her). It was at this moment when The Child spoke up: "She really likes her bed!" Thankfully I was not drinking anything at this point.

4) The Volturi
For those who have no idea what Twilight is, there are some characters in it called The Volturi. They are a council of I-talian vampires who are especially sinister and good looking. They look like this:

In the world of Twilight this is a badass. In the real world he promotes bondage parties and has a "no cocaine left behind" policy.
As you might imagine, it is nigh impossible to keep a straight face while the Volturi are on the screen.

5) It only took about 100 minutes of my time
Stephenie Meyer only writes books over 700 pages. Here is a sample of what that is like: "The fabric clung to his perfectly muscled chest. It was a colossal tribute to his face that it kept my eyes away from his body" which of course is fairly standard for all 2,400 pages in the entire series. I am not entirely sure, but I think she used the phrase "perfectly muscled chest" upwards of 20 times. Needless to say the books are like undergoing surgery with a shot of whiskey and a leather strap to chew on when pain gets too intense. The movies thankfully are much shorter.

6) Science: Twilight Style
Because the fetus/baby was half vampire it wanted to drink blood. So in typical Stephenie Meyer style, the characters "solved" the problem in a really stupid way which would not have worked at all. They had (human) Fella Colon drink human blood, which using their combined brain power, they concluded would "feed the baby blood" sadly, even the "doctor" agreed this was true. What they failed to understand is that the baby would still be getting fed with digested food, so it would not matter what protein she ate, and she could even drink animal blood without the baby becoming any the wiser.

7) Renesmee
The birth scene is famous in the books because the baby is breaking Fella Colon's back and shit (due to its incredible stremf. The Child got scared so we covered her eyes. When the baby popped out, she started laughing though.

"That baby needs a wash! They need to clean it up a bit! Hahahaha!" She was right. Also they named the baby Renesmee, which makes me feel like gouging out my eyes just reading it, let alone saying it. One nice touch in the movie was the wink and nod the screenwriter gave this when they discussed what an ugly name it is. I recall Robert Pattinson looking down when he said he liked it. I am sure he was having trouble not laughing. Also Jacob the wolf boy "imprints" on the baby, so there is the pedophilia again.

8) I got my I-Phone back
The day after the movie I realized that I had left my I-Phone somewhere. This of course made me hopping mad, as I have limited funds. Luckily, someone had found it and turned it in at the theater, so later that day I recovered it.

This may be a slightly unconventional positive review, but hey, when you have a 26% positive review rating on Rotten Tomato's you take all the help you can get!

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Rejected BS: Behind The Scenes (of a genius at work)

During the past week I have attempted to write one failed blog update. I was attempting to show the world how silly, and irritating "Movember" is. I realized too late that I could simply do this:

We can only hope he ends up like Isadora Duncan!
You see, being funny is not a hard science for me (like being an egomaniac, or having body odor). Some people may be able to write regularly and hilariously, but it seems I am irregular. So today I give you a couple ideas I have been toying with.

1) America is Jesusland

For those who want it as simply put as possible, its not. It never has been. Yet still people (jackasses) insist on calling the USA, "A Christian Nation"! Sadly for them, it is not true. To refute that theory in as few words possible: If you read the bible, you will see that Jesus was in favor of paying even "unfair" taxes, and our founding fathers did not. Of course it doesn't matter. Even if I were willing to do the research and try to "write it out all purty" I would only reaffirm those who already agreed with me, and the others would call me a "dickfor" (they would be correct). Also, why waste time writing when this picture is available:

The America part is communicated through the "subtle" color scheme.

2) My Personal Life

Going from very single to very much in a relationship with a hilarious child, I am tempted to write about it. Yet, I want to keep some aspects of my life private (such as the staggering amount of Barbie washing I did this week). What is the balance? Will I start giving out sex tips? Who knows what the future may hold. But all you get this week is a family picture:

"Hotness" is a disease we suffer from.
3) This guy:

writer - m4w - 31 (renton )
Date: 2011-11-17, 9:31AM PSTBottom of Form
Hello, I am a writer who is printing a script, I need a king county library card number to print, ive used my allowance up for the week, plus my dads and my unlces and my moms, anyone want to help me out and donate their 75 page printing allowance to me?

His "unlces" lent them their library cards, will you?
Wrap up:
I hope you learned something in our time together today, though I suspect your mind was elsewhere. That is fine. Mine is as well. Obviously. So goodbye, God bless America (courtesy of Toby Keith),
with love,

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Lost: Austin Texas, October 2011

Help me! I lost my virginity! Just kidding! Here is a look at the lost and found in Austin Texas. My top 3. There were lots of dogs, cats, and jousting sticks, but these stood out.

3) The Post:

Lost trombone (Willowbrook dr Hutto)

Date: 2011-11-03, 9:08PM CDT

606 King trombone. 6 th grade music student needs for band
Buzzsaw's Inventive Technically Creative Horseshit (B.I.T.C.H.)- When I saw that some dumb bastard had lost a whole trombone I knew I had to open this. I have lost cars and stuff like that, but a trombone is a specialty item. Speaking of Trombones, have any of you ever had to threaten disciplinary action on a radio DJ for saying "Tromboners" during an on air announcement of the college trombone quartet's fund drive of trombone Christmas songs? The tromboners were listening to the radio and were slightly peeved. But back to Austin, its kids! Kids! Those darn kids! Like the four year old who has been asking me if I like "Percules" and "Xena" or asks daily to watch Harry and The Hendersons, and who even now is ordering me to sing but won't allow me to sing about nudies! But she is only 4, and would make me carry the trombone so it wouldn't be lost. ["Come on boy clap" she just ordered me] As far as this kid in Texas goes though, I think it is perhaps more rock and roll.

He is the Liam Gallagher of trombone. Also known as a tromboner.
It is my theory that the kid in Texas perhaps "smashed his shit" or even "lit it on fire" while "rocking the hell out"! He may have left it in a "house of ill repute" while he was "horny" or he got his ass kicked for being in band. These are my theory's. And from what I know about tromboners, it is probably not too far off base. They are wiley bastards and are capable of anything. Especially those who play the "King Trombone"!

You just got "tromboned" and now you are pregnant!
2) The Post:

Lost Jewelry? I can Help (Ft. Hood, Killeen)

Date: 2011-11-02, 4:19PM CDT
I have a metal detector and can help you find it around the parks and areas around here. Send me an e-mail telling me what you lost and where at with the best discription you can. The more info, the better. :) Ill let you know if I found it or not. I do this as a hobby every weekend. I promise you I won't lie about finding it as I have had a ring returned by someone with an ad like this one. Thanks.
B.I.T.C.H.- Do your hobbies include helping random strangers on your days off? Do you help people once a month? Not at all? Well this guy is pounding the parks EVERY WEEKEND! Listening to his beeps and clicks, digging for treasure. And he only wants to return it. Is he a better person than you? Certainly. But that doesn't take much. I know my readers.

You are a terrible, terrible person compared to him. Think about it.
You are what you eat. And these are made of kindness. Perhaps you need a few more.

1) The Post:

Scuba Diver and Boyfriend Left in Florida Water? (Austin)

Date: 2011-10-24, 7:28PM CDT
Does anyone know what ended up happening to the Austin man who went scuba diving a few weeks ago in Florida and was left in the water with his friend? News said he has a family in the Austin area. I guess he left the family at home and made a trip alone to go scuba diving with his special friend, then almost died after the boat left without them.

B.I.T.C.H.- This post was found under lost items. Written by someone who knows how to use Craigslist, but not google. Whoever wrote it is also WAY into the idea that the diver and married father of 6 is gay. Perhaps though it was written by the man himself and it is all an elaborate way to come out of the closet. Of course being creative, I would posit a better way to do that.

Why the elaborate ruse? Just come out!

Closing statement: I hereby solemnly swear that I was not drunk when I wrote this. Seriously.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

The Hills Are Alive (With The Sound Of Nudies...)!

Pictured: Not Nudies
Those who have had the good taste to read The BS Report lately may have noticed more than a few references to "Nudie Beach", which of course is right down the hill from the house I am currently living in. You will probably not be aware that I have recently been watching Sound Of Music with my old lady's 4 year old daughter, who is also my boss. That is where the title comes from, and from here we depart.

Ever since my old lady had to sack her only full time server at the pub, I have been going in and helping her get the furniture set up for each day. Today was no exception, and when I was finished and enjoying my coffee and an internet session, I was conscripted by the child to water flowers. Then I was told that we were supposed to go into the office and do some important work for her mum. I can only remember one instance of her trying to get me to eat a chalk covered piece of blu-tack. Soon her Nan arrived and they left to inspect the 8 Barbies her Granddad bought her on E-Bay. I decided it was time to go home, but we needed petrol, and The Missus foolishly gave me her bank card...

Now you know I love the beach, but the truth is I have been stuck at the house for weeks. I know what is there, exhibit one being a stupid ill-mannered puppy whose sole positive attribute is her cuteness. It was not a great draw. So I filled up BlueBell (the vehicle) and reluctantly turned towards home. At this point I decided to do something rash. I was going to Kangarilla! Since The Missus was stuck at work and my phone was dead, I was essentially a free man!

So I wheeled Bluebell down Kangarilla road, and out through the small town of McLaren Flats. The vineyards stretched on either side, and soon the wide gum trees were stretching their light green leaves nearly all the way across the road. Once I cleared McLaren Flats, the land was mostly occupied by various farms and vineyards. A citrus orchard, a camel farm, a group of recently shorn Alpacas. It was not long until I was right up against the foothills, the road curving to the left. The houses are old out there, one storey stone and brick, with wrap around porches and galvanized water tanks to stay wet during the dry season.

In about 15 minutes I had reached the town of Kangarila, and there was not much there. A petrol station, a primary school and a post office, and the end of Kangarilla road. I decided to take a right, which lead me into a deep valley between the steeply sloped hills. The old houses were mostly on the left side of the road, hidden in a lush fold of land behind various trees and flowering bushes. It was clear that there was at least a seasonal stream running through it which made it so green. On the right hand side the round hills were a mixture of gum trees and grass. The cloudy sky grey behind the green and yellow color field. Then I rounded a curve and saw a small pine stand, and as I passed noticed a parking lot and a gate. Since I had no plans beyond shirking my duties, I turned around and parked. I was the only one there, it was a good day for a hike.

Starting up the path I hoped it would not start raining, but soon I was in under the trees and that was forgotten. The pine stand was planted, the trees in neat rows, but they were tall and I could hear many different bird calls, so it was clear it was inhabited. The pine grew to my right up the steeply sloping hill. To my left grew a mix of gums and pines, with various paths leading off into the forest. A bird called and I glanced up to see what looked like a small hawk flying back away from the opening made by the path. Ahead I saw magpies and some sort of crow with white tips on the wings. The crows made a much more bearable sound than the ones I am used to, perhaps it is their Australian accent. On the path I saw what I figured were Kangaroo droppings. I was watching the trees for any sign of movement.

The sounds of birds were constant and varied. From short chirps to croaks and coos. Some I could see, but most stayed invisible. I saw a path of grass open up to the left and the gums, so I followed it up, until it looped back to the main path, right up between the split forest. I was hiking hard. I wanted to be sure I got to the top, and I had no idea how far I would have to go. I took off my tee-shirt and continued on in my undershirt, which was wet with sweat. It seemed like mosquito country, so I listened for the tell-tale whine, but hearing nothing kept heading up the steep grade.

A path intersected mine from the pine grove, but I was not deterred. I could see what looked like the top of the ridge through the trees. First through the gums because they did not grow so close together. It was not long before I saw that the pines were not stretching up so steeply, and then I saw sky. In a couple of minutes I was at the end of the track I was on. I had reached the top of the ridge, and at this point the path became a T, on the left leading back up into what I knew to be more hills, the right leading to a viewpoint over the valley. I turned to the right to see where I was at.

It was probably only 100 meters before I came to a gate with a sign that read "Authorized Personnel Only" it was open. It was a huge dilemma for me. I knew I was not authorized, but I wanted to see the view. Ad the gate was open. So I snuck through far enough to see the view of the Onkaparinga Valley below. It was amazing how much elevation I had gained, far below me the vineyards in their pale green rows stretched diagonally from the road. I could see the farms and the snakelike form of Kangarilla road. But I was worried about not being authorized, so I walked back through the gate and turned left, keeping the neat rows of pine to my right. To my left was a barb wire cattle fence. On the ground I saw a large turd that looked bovine in nature (a bovine which had been eating bad Mexican food judging by consistency). There were no cows to be seen but I was on alert. Suddenly I heard something to my left, and looking over I saw a pair of adult Kangaroos moving in the fenced in planting between the field and the pine grove. They had probably been eating the young plants which had been carefully fenced off from the cattle.

Sort of like these two, except they were both adults and jumping away from me!
The bigger of the two 'roos took a couple of bounds, turned left and cleared the fence in a single bound. The smaller one was slower, and perhaps unsure. Instead of clearing the fence, he somehow managed to jump through the middle strands of barbwire, and they both bounded out of sight down into the pasture land. What struck me most aside from their grace and beauty, was the obvious power in their tails. They used them when they jumped, and when the big one cleared the fence I could see the large brown tail flex as it sprung. They are strange and beautiful animals, and I felt oddly honored to have finally seen on in the wild. I continued my trek, hoping to see more, but knowing that the chances were slim, as the pines seemed ill fitting to the grazing habits of kangaroos, and I soon came abreast of the cattle herd.

The path swung right up to the steep edge of the hill leading down to the road, and then swept in under the pines. I saw a few jumps constructed by mountain bikers much braver than I, but no more 'roos. Soon I was back at the car, sweaty, hungry, and very happy I had not gone home. I made my way back to the pub, where I told The Missus about it all. And now I am telling you (all 4 of my readers). Sincerely, The Kangaroo Hunter