Tuesday, August 16, 2011

King of Crazy

Through the years I have become sort of a connoisseur of crazy. The people I have gotten to work with, live with, and communicate with have often included the borderline insane (I am not including myself). Today, in lieu of actually thinking of something "original" I hopped on Craigslist in Washington DC, and within one minute found a man who is positively mad. Deranged. Or at least completely socially inept. Here is what he posted, with my comments peppered throughout as well as illustrations [you will know the comments are mine because they will be snide, and inside these here brackets].

Looking to Relax with a New Friend over a Pinot-tini-pint someday - m4w - 51 (Ballston)
[yes, I find the name "Ballston" hilarious, also "pinot-tini"]
HHHHEEEELLLLPPPP!!!!! I'm surrounded all day long by 20-somethings!! They talk all day about music I've never heard of, they have evolved these overly grotesque thumbs from all the non-stop texting, they change their hair 7 times a day -- put it up/take it down/put it up/take it down. . . - so much it makes me dizzy. Now don't get me wrong, they are nice to look at, but I swear if I hear the word "Wwhhaateeevvveerrrrrrr" or "thank YO" just one more time I am going to jump out my 7th floor office window!!!  [I have never heard anyone say "thank YO" but I am sure it is grating as all hell. It must be if it is going to drive this man to suicide the NEXT TIME HE HEARS IT!]
"Yes, I have UNLIMITED texting!"

Goodness, is there anyone out there who even knows who Gomez Addams was??? Now that I think about it, actually he always WAS one of my idols. . . Ah, the man in the pin stripped suit with no visible means of support!! Whispering "Cara Mia" while kissing Morticia up and down her arm while she wears that ridiculously tight black dress snipping the buds off of roses.. . "Oh Gomez dahling. . ." However, if that is the extent of Gomez' romantic life (as I suspect it just might be) I can fully understand why he withdraws to his den to blow up toy trains! [I would love to tell you the meaning of this paragraph, but as previously mentioned, the writer is clearly insane, as blowing up toy trains is fun no matter what is going on in your life]
"The extent of my romantic life my foot!"

As for me, I am a youngish 51 (or thereabouts. . .LOL!) year old white male stuck on the hamster wheel I call my life. . .. Bored, financially and emotionally secure. I am a funny, intelligent, warmhearted and honest, easy-going, non-smoking professional. (Now I am not a Leper, I am not some distant relative of Saddam. . .. Because I workout 6 days a week I take 13 showers a week - minimum, so I am squeaky clean and have perfect teeth. I am a card-carrying member of the human race, I love dogs, cats even some spiders, my biggest fault is that I sometimes forget to signal my lane changes -- and oh yes. . . I am married. And in spite of all the above -- I know that's not everyone's cup of tea).
 [This paragraph is a whopper. Starting with his age (or thereabouts) which he seems to find hilarious. I will tell you what is not hilarious. Lying about your age on Craigslist. If you are not 51, you may as well say it. Either way this half truth is not something to LOL about! Dick! And it seems he is paid not to smoke. That must be a great gig! He also clarifies that he is not a leper, which given the rarity of the disease, is no great feat. At least we know that his fingers didn't fall off while typing this. I find it odd however that he "proves" that he is not "some distant relative of Saddam"...because he works out 6 days a week and shower 13 times per week. Minimum. And while the author is a "card carrying member of the human race (note cards?business cards? Pokemon cards?) he is perhaps semi literate at best. Though it is nice to know that his greatest fault is changing lanes without signalling. Which is much worse than trying to CHEAT ON A SPOUSE!]

If you are still reading, I am willing to engage in conversation on most any topic (but politics bore me and religion gets me in trouble, so I resist - but everything else is fair game). I love to laugh and make others do the same. I am told I am easy on the eyes though I really can't recall whose eyes were talking at the time. I am physically fit -- as I said I work out six times a week - yet in spite of this, when I step on the bathroom scale - well it doesn't scream - but I do think I hear a slight groan... Sigh.
[Talking eyes? What the hell? And he confesses that he is fat.]

Looking for an intelligent, witty, down to earth, curvy / voluptuous lady with a nice sense of humor who would like to email/chat during the day and perhaps cultivate a friendship with someone new and interesting! Ethnicity and body shape are of no matter at all, though I will admit being partial to curves. If this sounds like you then stop reading and start typing already!!
[He likes them big and curvy.]

Oh yes, someone just recently asked me to describe the ideal first date:
[There is no way anyone has ever asked him this question. It is a complete falsehood.]

Looking soulfully into each other's eyes, our fingers meet. We sit in the silence as each of our breaths fill the room, I reach out and touch your cheek as your eyes dance in the candlelight. We sit there gazing out over the moon's reflection in the water, caught up in the rapture...
[Several problems with this "perfect date" come to my attention. To begin with, it is hard for fingers to meet while looking "soulfully" into the other persons eyes. If they do this in movies they cut to s shot of the fingers, because it is nigh impossible. Second, your breath is never silent, and even if it was, if it filled the room YOU WOULD DIE!!!! So I guess what I am saying is that this man wants to kill you.]

jkOr, we could just go bowling...
Editors note: Hope you enjoyed that, and if you want to get ahold of him, please send me all your banking info and social security numbers etc. I will see what I can do.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

A quick anecdote (which makes old people seem crazy)

I promise I had lots of ideas of hilarious and interesting things to write about. Lately I have been thinking about politics (I think I hate ALL politicians). I have been thinking about money (how I don't have much and I don't believe in the system of credit and the "need" to borrow money). But none of these have inspired me. Sadly I cannot even find a way to lampoon the latest debacle (I am so out of touch I don't know what it is). So I will tell a short and funny (to me) story I heard second hand from my friend Bennett. It goes like this:

Bennett was living with some friends in a small community near Santa Cruz CA called Mount Hermon. It is home to a large Christian conference center, and quite a few vacation cabins. Of course these cabins were mostly purchased many years ago, before they started to cost one billion doll-hairs. Of course Bennett was only renting. For one million doll-hairs a month.

One night Bennett's friend Brian was visiting. Due to lack of parking near the place (the streets were originally built for gnomes and have not been upgraded much), Brian parked around the corner in front of a cabin which looked unoccupied. Except for the sign in front which read "Parking for Schipp only" he didn't see anything that could possibly go wrong. He ended up staying over night, and the next morning he went out to get something from his car.

He was totally unprepared for the tumult which awaited him in the morning. Groggily he opened his car door and was fumbling inside for whatever he was looking for (toothbrush, truth serum, 3D Glasses?) when he heard the door of the unoccupied cabin open. What happened next I tend to picture in cartoon form.

While Brian "innocently" went about his non-business (you understand that he at this point has NO business where he is), a deadly enemy approached. Unbeknownst to our (non)hero, he was in mortal danger. Looking up he saw the stuff of a million nightmares. At the top of the steps near the sign marked "Schipp", stood, what could not possibly be anything but Old Man Schipp himself. Quivering in his murderous state, the old man unleashed a tirade!

"IS YOUR NAME SCHIPP?????!!!!" he bellowed! Without waiting for Brian's response the redfaced hellcat continued as he descended the cabin stairs. "CAN YOU READ THAT SIGN???!!!!!" "IS YOUR NAME SCHIPP????!!!" Which of course was a trap, because the statistical probability of Brian being named "Schipp" was exceedingly low. Presumably he meant first name "Schipp" too, as some sort of geriatric double jeopardy. Brian, stunned by the onslaught, retreated into his car. This is when it got REAL intense!

As Brian fired up his engine to escape the charging Schipp (who had obviously chosen to damn the torpedo's and charge full speed ahead). Putting his car in reverse, he turned his head. Much to his dismay, he saw Mrs. Schipp pulling her car in, essentially blocking him in to the spot reserved solely for Schipp! Schipp himself was shaking, with the veins bulging dangerously far from his head! Pounding his fist on the hood of the car, he pointed at the cabin! "IS THAT YOUR NAME ON THAT SIGN????!!!" "IS YOUR NAME SCHIPP!!!!" By now Brian had possible lost all bowel control (unsubstantiated)!!!

At this point the story gets hazy. Brian may have run away in fear leaving his car in the spot reserved solely for Schipp. Mrs. Schipp may have finally realized that the scene was too insane even for the wife of Schipp. However it happened, Brian escaped the unholy clutches of Schipp. But as he drove away, Schipp let loose his final curse. The final sentence, the judgment of Schipp!

"TO THE FISHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He yelled as Brian slowly and dejectedly left the scene. "TOOOOOOOO THE FIIIIIISHES!" He continued to scream. And I like to believe that perhaps he is still standing there screaming about the Fisches to this day!

Editors note: Mount Hermon is not near any body of water which would be suitable for throwing a full grown man to the Fisches. Also I have no reason to believe that Mr Schipp was a sailor, aside from his name.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Caution, Australian Craigslist is for Adults Only! Part II

If you got a chance to read the last BS Report (which I am sure was AMAZING!), I am sure you are probably booking a ticket to Australia in order to find true love. Again, if ANYONE READING THIS IS A KID, PLEASE, PLEASE GET OFF THE INTERNET AND GO PLAY OUTSIDE! As for the adults, I will assume that you have given up and devoted your life to Farmville, so feel free to keep reading. This will totally inspire you in your search for true love. Or convince you that a life of celibacy is the key to happiniess. Without further ado, lets take trip down under...

1) Share Fantasies via email - m4mw - 30 (Sydney)

I am looking to share fantasies via email with women and men aswell. Couples are more than welcome. The idea is to exchange emails of fantasies and secrets you have and want to share. The mind is the largest and best sexual organ and this is what it is all about. Don't message me if you don't get this. The kinkier and dirtier the better, agree?

If we both like what we hear, maybe we take it further.
What it REALLY means: This is fairly straightforward. Your mind will never be the same if you dare to communicate with this man via e-mail.
Pictured: The START of a fantasy...

2) Can I find you? - m4w - 45

I'm Korean male, looking for a pen pal friend I am interested in reading, travel, some sports such as marathon and......
This is just for occasional email exchange, nothing serious just friends, we can chat about life and more.....
What it REALLY means: I am interested in such sports as marathon. It is not as boring as it sounds.

3) str8 wank / jerk buds - m4m - 26

Hey looking for other str8 guys who like to jerk with mates
been looking for a while but cant seem to find what im looking for.
So if you are looking for more, dont waste your time.
THis isnt for a random meet up has to be someone i can get alone with.
Put hot porn on and jerk, talk about sex, etc. If you are into cam4 even better.
if you thing you are in the same boat lets have a chat
What it REALLY means: Yeah, still looking for another str8 guy interested in a relationship based on our mutual love of "hot porn" and...yeah, I can see how it might seem strange. Trust me, it's not!


Tall dark latin american surfer jock looking for a room. Cant pay to much but can pay and help out.
Great cleaner, chef, give great massages and very easy going. Any help even for a short while would be great.
Thanks For Your time,
What it REALLY means: When I say I am good at massage I do not exagerate. I am REALLY good!

5) Looking for a kind African man - w4m - 25

To help me have a baby :) Through artificial insemination. Happy to offer good compensation for the right guy. You would not have any responsibilities in raising the child, but an ongoing friendship would be welcome. Very flexible about it all, so for more details please contact :)
What it REALLY means: My use of emoticons is disarming. Once again, I am very flexible about my desire to be inseminated by a kind African man. If you are flexible about pay I think it will be a great match. Also I am insane.

6) american cowboy - m4w - 31 (north dakota (usa))

good evening ladies. ive always thought that the australian womans attitude toward and outlook on life was the best. im a 31 year old white male that manages a ranch in south west north dakota. id like to establish a writing relationship with any ladies that are friendly and outgoing. i look forward to hearing from you. good night and god bless.
What it REALLY means: If you hadn't gathered by now, I am absolutely insane.

7) join us 4 drinks and dinner (w4mw) - w4w - 36 (CBD)

Hey there

I'm looking for an asian lady to join me (chinese australian female) for dinner with two great guys on friday 22 july.

my friends are from england and they visit sydney a couple of times each year.

we usually go for drinks at the zeta bar and have good italian food.

we laugh a lot and have a fun evening - nothing more

if you are interested to know more - let me know :-)

What it REALLY means: I have no friends. And I am a compulsive liar. And the man in the white suit forgot his I-Phone in my room...

8) pregnant girls are so attractive - m4w - 36 (manly)

any pregnant girls want to chat, either over a coffee or over the phone? you are so beautiful!! please get back to me
What it REALLY means: What the hell do you think it means?

9) Is it possible...? - m4w - 56 (North Shore)

Is it possible to have a good platonic friendship with someone, where each person acknowledges the other physical needs, and is willing to satisfy them without an emotional or romantic commitment...just friendship?

I am a caucasian Australian single parent of young adult children. We have all be through the mill the last few years. Neither I nor they are ready for the complexities that come with me finding someone new.

If you find that this makes sense, please get in touch and we could discuss it over a meal or something.

I'm not desperate...Just want to put it out there.
What it REALLY means: If this post doesn't work we are just going to get our dad a hooker.

10) Friendship? :) - m4w - 30 (Sydney )

So, let's begin.
I'm searching for a person who is unique, and you know what, you can be mega lonely. That would help with the criteria of what I'm looking for.
I'm not looking for sex, clubbing/pubbing/drinking buddies.
I'm also not looking for people with 652 friends, who are looking to chat with someone new for 40 seconds.
I'm looking for potential long term friends.
What it REALLY means: Fat girls need loving too!

11) Party time - m4ww - 23 (city)

Feel like meeting a random stranger off the net then going out to a club and party somewhere?
hit me up - let's have fun*
Ideally you'd be somewhat intelligent, know how to somewhat dance and be feminine of some sort.
* fun does not include intercourse
If you can do tonight a bonus.
What it REALLY means: Fun includes nothing but intercourse!
Editors note: Who even calls it "intercourse"? Is this man a doctor or something?

12) give me your help - m4m - 31 (inner west )

i need help as im a international student still , im married guy but all the time im keen to try to be with anther guy , can any one advice me i need something long relationship as you can help me to get permanent residency in Australia any body got any ides please tell me then we work out together , i will provide what you need via email later one
i need help as im a international student still , im married guy but all the time im keen to try to be with anther guy , can any one advice me i need something long relationship as you can help me to get permanent residency in Australia any body got any ides please tell me then we work out together , i will provide what you need via email later one
i need help as im a international student still , im married guy but all the time im keen to try to be with anther guy , can any one advice me i need something long relationship as you can help me to get permanent residency in Australia any body got any ides please tell me then we work out together , i will provide what you need via email later one
What it REALLY means: You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered. You will be murdered.

13) i adore small boobs - m4mw - 36 (northern beaches)

i know its not popular for guys to like small boobs but i really adore them, so if anyone wants to chat about their small boobs or even show me then get back to me!!
What it REALLY means: I adore boobs so small that I don't care if they are attached to a man!
So dear readers, that concludes my investigation of the Australian mind. It seems to be a wonderful, wonderful thing. Love always Buzzsaw.
PS- Do you think my boobs are small? I sure hope they are because I would love to talk about them. With anyone. Any of you. It would be an honour to talk to you about my chest blossoms. At any time.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Caution, Australian Craigslist is For Adults Only! Part 1

In order to appeal more to my international fanbase (I have four fans, two overseas) I decided to examine the Strictly Platonic posts from Sydney Australia. WARNING: SOME OF THIS CONTENT IS A BIT MORE SEXUAL IN NATURE THAN I WOULD NORMALLY USE, SO KIDS IF YOU ARE READING THIS, PLEASE, PLEASE STOP! And if you do read it, just be aware that sometimes daddy and mommy need to do things that are hard to understand. That said, I was quite impresses with some of the things I found. In effort to be accurate and to show what is "really going on" down under I have included more examples than I usually do. This piece will be a bit long. What I am going to try today is posting an ad, then I will try to show the readers "what it really means." Please, brace yourself, this will certainly get weird!

Weird? Their most famous building looks like a stack of clams, OF COURSE Australians are weird!

1) straight guy looking for wank bud - m4m – 27

straight here looking for wank buddies under 35. Str8 or bi. No gay, coz wouldnt be into the same porn.
Not after a random and we gota be cool and get along

What it REALLY means: Though he is very clear (sort of) about his desire to find a "straight" wank bud, he does say that "bi" is OK. In my humble opinion, he probably is looking for a bit more than simply watching nudie movies with a pal and enjoying the act of self pleasure, with another straight man?!!!????!!! It also means I am going to wash my eyes after reading this!

2)Woman sought for Erotic Encounter - m4w

I'm a married guy who is seeking a woman to give me a complete body shave with a view to repeating the shave every four weeks or so and also engage in adventurous erotica.. I am not overly hairy - I want the shave for the sensuality, mainly. You must host. Of course there will be a gratuity and a happy ending is expected and as the relationship progresses over time, perhaps more with a commensurate adjustment in the gratuity. It must be on weekdays, you should provide the necessary toys etc. I am into trying all types of sex as I've missed out most of my life. Married, but not active sexually at home

What it REALLY means: I think what this means is that he is trying to find a woman with a view to shaving him every four weeks. At your own house. Using your own razors/toys. It seems clear that he is pretty hairy, since he took the time to state that he was "not overly hairy." As he also states that he will (obviously) give a gratuity (for sex), so it will probably be a very small amount of money. Of course, after you shave him (at your house), and pleasure him (with "adventurous erotica"), REPEATEDLY, EVERY FOUR WEEKS!!!! The gratuity will probably be increased by a dollar or two. Also, it MUST happen on weekdays. At your house. Using your razor/toys.

3) I want a date for tomorrow night 8pm - m4w - 24 (CBD)

Sorry for the late notice BUT,

I want a date for 8pm tomorrow night, exclusive event.

You must be 20-26yo female, intelligent, bubbly and hwp.

It will be a good night.

More details given. FB/phone number swapping essential
What it REALLY means: Sorry I forgot to announce that I need someone to rape tomorrow night!

4) Boat trip from Pittwater to Gold Coast - m4w - 45 (Pittwater)

Looking for companion (1 or 2) to join me on a boat trip from Pittwater to Gold Coast during August or September on a 48ft luxury cruiser. Boat is in excellent condition and I am an experienced skipper. Preferred age range is 35 to 45 and you must have an agreeable personality and enjoy helping out with odd jobs on board. Voyage should last around 10 to 14 days but may as short as 5 days. I am a good listener (and talker) and genuinely enjoy female company. All food and drink provided. There is no payment required but the offer of some personal services would be highly appreciated and reciprocated.
What it REALLY means: I have a boat of sorts. I think I know how to sail it, but I KNOW I like sex. Preferably with two women at the same time! I also like my woman to work a bit. There is nothing sexier than a woman who is a bit sweaty, and it also turns me on when I see a woman swabbing the decks (real not metaphorical). I will allow you to talk, if you need to. Of course, I will feed you a bit, your duties will require that you be well fed (you will be "working" hard!).
It's a BOAT Mutha F--ka!

5) Can you use a new friend? - m4w - 45 (California)

This is a bit strange I suppose, I have always liked your country and would really enjoy making some friends there. I am a avarage hard working, American male. Not too much of an exciting life I suppose. I get up, go to work and then back home same as most everyone I guess. I do enjoy riding my Harley Davidson motorcycles and scuba diving in Monterey bay. I draw tattoos for people for fun, I am also very much into photography. I would love to make some friends to chat with and learn more about your life styles and your country, I'll teach you about ours. I look at it this way, a person can never have to many friends in this world, so come on...what are you waiting for lets be friends..:o)
What it REALLY means: Hi! I have absolutely no friends in my own country (I killed them you see!)! I was wondering if I would find someone in Australia who I could "seduce" online through lies and deception! At first I will only ask for money, but soon I will find a way to come to Australia and I will kill you! LOL
Here are some of my best tattoo designs! Skullkrusher here is a great friend of mine. We have been pals for 7 years!

6) straight wanking buddies - m4m - 26

answered a few posts on here and I havnt been able to find what im after
so giving it a try myself
just looking for str8, maybe bi wanking buds who are after only wanking
just chill have a good time and a wank if we feel cool about it.
What it REALLY means: Hey, I am simply trying to find a NORMAL guy to watch porn and masturbate with! No big deal! LOL!

And with that, I give up! It will have to be a two part piece! The fact is, I have a boat to catch!
 Love, Buzzsaw

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Ladies, you have options...

How many emails have I received about the marital/boyfriend problems that people (women I do not know) on my Facebook friends list are experiencing? The answer? You actually do not want to know. It has happened a lot, but thankfully not for awhile. I assume that this is the calm before the storm, so in order to thwart the inevitable, and give these women some men to pal around with, I went on and picked out a few choice entries.  They are as follows:

1) Free Room Share - m4w - 28 (Hotel)

I am a business man and can provide a place to stay while I am here. Email for more details. Hotel is at Sage and Westheimer.
Highlights: In my opinion this whole entry is a highlight. Nothing says "no strings attached" like the phrase "free room to share." It is not like he is into anything crazy, plus he probably gets HBO. On top of that the two of you (though he does not specify a number) could discuss business as you doze off. If you are lucky he will let you order up room service. Not a bad deal, if you are homeless you have a place. If you already have a place, think of it as a "staycation" either way you can't possibly lose here!

2) An adventure - m4w (houston)


I am looking for a femaile friend to share an adventure with. Look, I put this in platonic because I'm not after sex and that kinda gets in the way of fun sometimes. I will meet any and all of your security needs as I know there are some real psycos and creeps out there. You should be attractive, HWP, 35 - 52, fun loving, gregarious (never met a stranger), humorous and like water and beaches, dancing and good food. This is a vacation, so you will need some time to get away. This is not a bot....I AM REAL! If you respond, put pina colada's in your subject line. You must send a picture. Mutual attraction is a must. I promise, you will not be disappointed with my looks. I am divorced and not dating at this time.
Highlights: One of the key highlights here is that the author assures the reader that he is "not a bot...I AM REAL!" Of course if you read hesitation, you might wonder why...he had to...figure out he WAS REAL! Either way it is nice to know that though he is in no way interested in sex (we all agree that it gets in the way of the fun right?) he IS interested in what his "femaile friend" looks like. Lastly, it is clearly a benefit that he will "meet any and all of your security needs." Suffice to say that though he does not reveal what his "vacation" will consist of (I read this several times without realizing he would be taking you somewhere), it is sure to be "an adventure." One from which you may "decide" never to return from.

3) 60, gray, Beer belly, married - m4w - 60 (Katy)

My name is Ed and let me tell you about me. As I said I am white, 60, gray hair somewhat thining, with a bet of a beer belly. I am Texas Through and through.
Talk Texan, walk texan, think texan. A bit of a red neck. I dive a Chevy Pick up and I have a few cows. I am a Cowboy fan, Texan are OK too.
Now that most of you have left, let me tell you what I like to do. I am retired now so I have all day to run and play. The only problem is I can play like I use to
sad to say. So I would like to find a lady that like to set around a talk and be a friends. The only thing I have now is me and I do give great wallet.
you must be over 18 and under 65 and you can not have a kick stand, in other words you must set to pee. Sound like a plan, let me know.

Highlights: Clarity. Sort of. At the end he hints that you can not have a "kick stand" which I presumed was a cane. But in the next sentence he says it means "you must set to pee." Of course, he may mean, you must be set on pee! And the pee setting is one which I use on any appliance I own. In fact my laptop is set to pee every 10 minutes. Thank goodness it is a hot day. Typically in the winter it is set to pee only every hour, the cold weather really changes things. Other highlights are that he gives "great wallet" a skill which is usefull the whole world round. He also "dives" a Chevy truck and "owns a few cows." All around, he sounds like a hell of a tallented man. Next?

4) WHO WANTS TO PLAY? - m4w - 22 (hwy6 and 290)

This is the face of a man who is clearly unafraid of cats!
Highlights: Let's face it, this entry is short and to the point. He wants to party on a motorcycle with cats and perhaps a girl. If you need anything more than that, the problem lies within. Your. Cold. Evil. Soul.


I am a Caucasian male, 41 and 5' 10" and 175 lbs. I am a professional white collar executive company President. I own and operate a very profitable import commodities company. Most of my product comes from either Asia or Latin America. I am clean and healthy, considerate, both very financially and quite emotionally stable. I am well educated, well dressed, and well mannered. I am seeking a mature Asian or Latina woman from 20-50 years old who is in the same situation as I. If you are looking for attention and appreciation and the finer things in life then I can provide that for you. I am a respectful traditional gentleman who is sincerely seeking a mutually interested woman. Please send pix and I will be most pleased to reciprocate. You any feel free to ask any questions or concerns you may have. Be well and take good care.

 Highlights: This is totally a legit opportunity and not a scam.
Well ladies, there you have it. Who says that Ol' Buzzsaw is not taking care of you?
PS-If any Asian or Latina females need to get ahold of me, please use the same email address as the cat guy. LOL

Turn out the lights, the party's over!

On Saturday night I went into the bathroom of a good friends house and shaved all the long sweaty hair off my head (my body of course gets shaved regularly by the bevy of girls who make up my entourage). It felt nice. After what seems like two years of hard and psychologically disturbing work, I feel like my project is nearly done. If you don't know what the project was, briefly, I was collecting stories about my life and adventures which occurred due to the uncanny resemblance actor Robert Pattinson of Ring of The Nibelungs has to me, Sir Buzzsaw. Today I am going to try and give a brief list of just SOME of the things which have happened to me and which will appear in the book (My Name Is Not Edward) which I am going to be trying to finish this winter.

1) I had so many people ask me if I was him that I had to make up a word (twidentified).

2) I ran a shop in Forks WA where my sole source of income was from selling pictures of myself with tourists. I supported not only myself but my photographer/friend Lando as well.

3) Went to Los Angeles for the premier of Twilight Eclipse (which was HILARIOUS in its inaccuracies). Met many people, and caused Richard Pattinson to do a double take when he walked past

4) Was in two parades in Clallam County. The Forks Old Fashioned Fourth of July parade which sucked because the chamber of commerce (who are idiots) strong armed me into being in it by acting as if I was screwing the town over by not attending (I got called "gay ass Edward" right after, so I guess my instincts were correct). The parade for Quileute Days was great! I got to ride on a fire truck with a bunch of native kids throwing out candy. We were squishing them inside the package, which is funny unless you open them to eat them. We did not. 

5) Had to improvise when our photo printer broke (effectively taking away what we thought was our product). Because of that we went to Portland and the filming locations of Twilight. I learned that instead of wanting to beat me up (like some of the local Forkers), people in Portland thought I was a celeb. That was weird, but a welcome change. Made friends in the towns of St Helens and Carver OR.

6) Learned to take everything I hear in Forks with a grain of salt. There is not much entertainment out there, so "creative embellishment" is a pastime. On the big Twilight holiday, instead of the "thousands" we were told to expect, there were mere 120's. So we did not make up any of the money we hope to after losing our printer. We were running on fumes, it was raining, oh, and my truck had a blown head gasket!

7) The most helpful people will not be those you most expect. It was not the rich lawyer who told us she would help us who did. Instead it was a considerably less wealthy (also shorter) Australian twi-mum who did the most for us. In November Lando and I headed out on the road from Seattle bound for Baton rouge LA with our Aussie friend Anita. The trip was awesome, the road was long, and it was the beginning of the end.

8) I learned that writing can save your mind. A friend advised me to start a blog (so if some producers were interested in me I would have product). If I had known how much fun it is to publish lies and half truths on the internet, I would have started blogging years ago! It also helped me when I got tired of working on my book. Which was all the time.

9) Driving a car without registration is only a problem if you know about it. I ended up going to Canada to scout the Twilight filming, and besides getting searched when I told them I was a musician, the unregistered car went unnoticed. When I got my truck running again, I was happy to be legal. Also I was happy I did not catch fire when my fuel injectors were shooting gasoline onto my hot engine block while driving to work one day...

10) I learned that the real Robert Pattinson's friend Lee MacDougall got his mind blown when I went to his concert. He thought I should be working for the real McCoy. Speaking of the real McCoy, a crazy Asian named "Joe Cool" found me in Forks in July 2010 and told me I was "The Real McCoy." I will take it.

That is in no way a comprehensive list. I have been analyzed by a psychologist, chased through hardware stores by Twihards, seduced a Canadian prison guard (which led to scoring an awesome girlfriend), and much more. All I know is that I am done for now. Stay tuned to for my Evening Magazine debut, and anything else in the works. And though I shaved my hair and retired, if you are a Twihard and want to hire me, all it means is that the price just went WAY UP! Sincerely, Barnes

PS-If any of you want to buy my famous truck, or the car we drove to Baton Rouge in, let me know. Also, we have pictures of all of this. Except the prison guard.