Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Demon Baby in a board!

The truth behind reality tv!

What I do to entertain myself at my shitty job!

In my current position as a slave in a sheet metal shop, I have ample opportunity to spend hours doing repetitive work. Often in the course of my day co-workers will ask me if I am bored yet. Nope! After spending 6 months on a hellish bok choi farm in South Australia (17 hour days, 7 days a week for months, all while being screamed at for minor infractions) I can take a trip in my mind damn near anywhere. So while I am bending several thousand pipe clamps, or spot welding 500 electrical boxes, I just get comfortable and let my mind rip. Often it goes directly to butts and boobs, do not pass go. This of course is great, yet there are certain times where it is not OK to walk around with a raging hard on, and work is one of those, so there are other things I do. Lately I have been imagining the most boring guy in the shop transforming into a wild ass pimp in his off time. During breaks I have been sharing our exploits with the rest of the workers.

First off, the man is named Tolly. Tolly. Have you ever heard of this name? I keep wanting to ask him what it is short for (Toliver? Toll? Tollian?). Secondly, though he has a short pony tale,  the guy is far from wild. In fact he sort of seems like he is dosed up on sedatives all damn day. I have honestly never seen him do anything fast at all. Perhaps that is why I like to imagine him turning into a complete maniac at night.

He looks slightly more entertaining than this guy, but trust me, he is not.

One thing I like to do is take exploits of say John Bonham and accredit Tolly with executing them. So far I have told my coworkers that Tolly and I did tons of coke and at the hotel party Tolly took a shit in one of the strippers shoes. Next chance I get I will let them know that he drove a Cadillac into the hotel pool. Another story is one I heard from a friend of a person who knew a person who worked on a movie with Sylvester Stalone. Allegedly, this person was walking past Stalone's trailer and heard him say: "Cuddle the balls. Cuddle the balls!"

 Of course I have my own inventions too. In my mind Tolly only wears pin striped suits and uses a cane. He is also quite fond of referring to his genitalia as "giblets"! I am wholly unsure where I came up with that term, but I like it for Tolly. So far the image I have created of him has been a misogynist yet as I write this I think I may turn him into a better person. perhaps beating a dudes ass who was being rude to his own woman. Of course the story would end with me and Tolly doing an 8 ball of coke off of her and several other womens asses, but that is why we are so bad ass me and Tolly. In fact, you may no know, but last Friday we decided to go to Atlantic City. Tolly and I. Of course our purposes were lecherous.

As you may know, I am a celebrity look-alike. What you may not know, is that Tolly is an expert card counter. So without any actual credentials, we managed to bluff our way in to the high stakes poker game! It was insane! I acted as the rube, while Tolly cleaned house. At the end of the night Tolly and I left with a $85,000 a Russian model, and the wife of one of the guys at the table. It was a hell of a night. We also hung out Saturday, during which time we stole a tiger from the Brooklyn Zoo which we brought back to Tolly's. Anyway, that is what I do during the work day. I find myself laughing a lot.