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Thursday, July 11, 2013

Don't Question Your MOM!!!! The Buzzsaw Mommy Blog!!!

HEEEEEY!!!!!!! XOXO Missed you yesterday! MWAH!!!!! Anyway, this is mommy blog time and I realized I should introduce myself! My name is Trinity Diamond and this blog "belongs" to my idiot asshole ex "Buzzsaw"! he is such a jerk! Good thing he's dumb as a scorched turd and addicted to every drug! What happened was he got drunk and showed back up at my trailer looking for a piece of my sweet potato pie (SEX PEOPLE!) and after he "performed" for five of the dullest minutes of my existence, he passed the hell out! So I logged on here and changed his passwords! LOSER!!!!! But that is just business, let's get down to it girls! First off, I have been DYING to post a pic of the new ink I got with Onyx (MY SWEET, NEWLY EMANCIPATED 16 year old!!!!), OK, so I was also dying to say that! LOVE YOU BABY!!! Here is my sexy ass ink!

I am so taking Adyn and Kadyn to the gathering of the Juggalos this year!!!!
Alright, so back to my girl! The reason I didn't mommy blog yesterday was because we were all having a sexy time with Jello shots and we went to the court house and I signed the papers to emancipate Onyx! Yeah, I know, stupid move right? It hella cuts into the welfare I can get, but at the same time, I have an agreement with O that if she gets rich guy preggers (she is a hotty with a botty!!!) she will give me a cut! Right now she is really working on her doctor boyfriend to pay for a boob job! YOU GO GIRL! So that is basically it! What did I get my baby girl besides emancipation? Oh, just a WHOLE DRAWERFUL of Hello Kitty thongs!!! It goes awesome with the "schoolgirl" look she has been rocking lately! Turns out doctors are super into it! OK, enough about that, the twins have been more than a handful today, and I am thinking that it may have something to do with the Ritalin prescription I just got! I picked it up yesterday and today, only 15 hours later its half gone! Kadyn and Adyn are such little shits! Seriously, last night they were fighting over whether or not to watch Hardcore Pawn or Pawn Stars! If I weren't already drunk I would have beat the shit out of them! Luckily they usually end up just beating the shit out of each othheer. But really, they were all yelling and I'm like, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE AND GO THROW DONUTS AT CARS OR SOMETHING! And they were all, OH SHIT! THERE ARE TOTALLY A SHITLOAD OF FOODBANK DONUTS IN THE CLOSET! THANKS MOM! And off they went! God! It was so fucking nice when they left! Of course the little assholes stole my pack of smokes and I had to get Religious Larry from trailer 27 to drive me to Snuffy's and get more. It was fine but that fucking guy will use any excuse at all to TALK ABOUT THE FATE OF MY ETERNAL SOUL! Fuck! At least he smokes a lot so he has to shut up when he inhales! Fuck my fucking brain! Well enough about me! We had a BUNCH of questions from readers and I promised I would get to all of them! So without anymore fanfare!

IT'S MOMMY ANSWERS QUESTIONS TIME!!!!!!

what advice wld u five a mother of two children ages 2 and 5 who refuse to take naps during the day?
Charlene in Port Angeles

Thanks for asking girl! MWAH! Are you ready for it? I don't think so! Because I think I am probably one of the only mommies who will shoot straight and tell you to chloroform the little fuckers right to sleep! It works like a charm! One minute they are insisting on watching Puppies In Space for the hundredth time, next minute, rag over the nose and off to bed! It is so easy its crazy! And the ASSHOLES in the "INDUSTRY" will tell you things like "oh, it's so bad to chloroform your kids to sleep" and "ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE!" But have those fucking people WATCHED Puppies IN Space? IT BLOWS! I do too, really well actually, but that is a different story for a different mommy blog NEXT QUESTION!!!
Love The former Missus Buzzsaw (that guy is SUCH a DOUCHE!!!!) 

Dear Missus Ex Buzzsaw, Can a baby nurse off of anything with nipples? Can you discourse on inter-special wet nursing? 
Jessica in Seattle

OH GIRL! I am so glad you asked THE BIG QUESTION! And short answer? OH HELL YES! You know, I found out early on when Onyx was a little baby. To cut right to the chase, my little girl (WHO IS ALL EMANCIPATED NOW!!!!XOXO!!!!!) was conceived in the break room at The Poodle Dog Lounge in Tukwilla WA! I was a party party party machine (I was banging some guy, I can't really remember who but he had a sweet ass 8 Ball jacket)!!!! So the point is, after 9 months not drinking, I had some serious making up to do! because of that, when sh wanted to nurse I had so much booze in my tits that she had to nurse from Sadie my pit/lab mix, who luckily had just had a litter! So yes to question one (it is not very succesful with males nipples), and HELL YES to question two! NEXT QUESTION!!!!! XOXO
Love Buzzsaw's ex better half!

ONYX IT'S YOUR DAD!!!!


Temper tantrums in public places.
Ginni in Richland

Hey girl, is that a question? I don't see any question mark! OK, JK LOL! I know what you mean, and here is the answer! You WILL NOT stop this train. If one of my kids acts out in public, I'm out. Just last week Kadyn freaked the hell out in Walmart over some tee shirt of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson that I wasn't ABOUT to fuckin' buy him. So I left him crying and yelling and went and bought Adyn a meat ball sub. After about 15 minutes Kadyn finally shut the hell up and came to find us. I would have left his ass to walk or whatever (it's like 14 miles from the trailer court so he might have had to hitchhike or some shit). Anyway, this little powder keg don't have time to wait for whiny little bastards anyway. XOXOXO
Love Missus Ex-Buzzsaw

What is the best way to tell a guy you aren't interested in having kids? (sort of a dating question but still kid related). Onyx might need some advice on this since she's a busy little tramp, lol!!!
Jennifer in LA

OH HEY GIRL!!!! So you are one of THOSE PEOPLE huh? I could never understand it! What with all the money I make from welfare and child support it's a fucking dream life! I am not joking when I tell you I spend 75% of my time in the casino! It is AWESOME! And also I have such funny stories about my babies! Like the time Adyn stole a wallet from a guy I was fucking, spent the money on a potato gun, then stuffed dog shit in the wallet and left it on the corner and hid in the bushes watching people pick it up! He said it was funny as fuck! Personally I think it was rather clever, given the fact he was only 8 years old! So, seriously, what the hell is your asshole problem? As for Onyx, she is going to get doctor pregnant ASAP!!!
Love, Missus Ex B.

I already have a bearded dragon and a cat. Which one should I treat a baby more like?
Chris in Pittsburg

Oh Hey girl! I have a bearded clam and a pussie, and show them an equal amount of love! I think you should do the same you cad!
Love The one and only ex missus B

Um, yeah. Why do the women hold all the power?
Steve in Kirkland

Oh you know it! Because we are the best! Anymore silly questions? yeah, that's right, time for you to sit through another viewing of Barby Fairy Secret and suck it the hell up! Oh and buy your wife some jewelry or you ain't gettin' a damn thing!
Love, a higher power. A woman. 

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

MOM.COM!!! The Buzzsaw Mommy Blog!

I wanted to start this post with a picture that my eldest Onyx sent me of the updo she is about to get! The doctor she is on a date with said he would pay! For a 15 year old she is a good little gold digger already! Mommy (Buzzsaw) taught you well!

I think this will look *super* cute! LOL!
OK, now that I super supported my daughter I want to take a few minutes to talk serious about some of the haters who are saying my blog is slutlike and promotes promiscuity. Normally I wouldn't think twice to slap a ho' but I imagine that the bitch who complained is just another bridezilla in a sexless marriage yearning for a bit of hanky panky! Anyway, what matters is that I love my kids no matter what! No matter what! which brings us to the topic at hand: MY BOOOOOOOYS!!!!



This is what they will probably look like when  they are older!


If you were stupid enough not to read about me on my first mommy blog, then you may not know about my two twins, Kaydyn and Adyn. They are twelve and just had to redo 6th grade because their son of a bitch principle said they "lacked sufficient social/academic skills" whatever that means. Anyway, the man is an ASS! He has a comb over and wears a fanny pack for crying out loud! He also had the nerve to tell me that my skirt was too short and the fishnet stocking were "inapropriate" for a class field trip to the morgue! The reason they took the boys to the morgue was to "scare them straight" whatever that means. Of course, Kadyn and Adyn had fun stuffing their fortunes from our dim sum lunch up the nose of a man who had a viagra caused heart attack! Talk about a "stiff"!!! Well after that I had just about enough of that terrible man and when Adyn asked if we could go get a Ouija board to see if we could summon any of the spirits I gladly obliged. When we got home I smoked a bunch of cigarettes and combed out their rat tails while they worked on contacting the spirit world. Here is their HILARIOUS dialogue:

Kadyn: How the fuck does this fucking piece of shit even work? Its just a fucking pointer and an alphabet on another piece of wood, what a jizz soaked nightmare!

Adyn: You fucking TWAT! Don't you fucking even know how to read? The fucking hands of the evil one will guide your pointer as the words of the dead are passed on to the enlightened. God, you are such a fucking dunce.

Kadyn: Jesus you prick! MOM! Give me a drag! That little fucker is hurting my feelings again! (He takes a deep drag from my Virginia Slim) SHIT MOM! I hate when you get lipstick all over your smokes! It's SICK!

Adyn: Hey dumbass, why don't you steal your own fucking smokes if you hate it so much. BITCH ASS DILDO HOLSTER!

[crash! now it's a rumble! with rat tails flying the twins square off! with raised fists our two pugilists are ready for anything! bam. Adyn lands a strong right cross, but Kadyn counters with a kick to the knee and a swing of a high heel that Onyx left out in the living room! if you were only here we could get a nice little pool going. the boys are almost equal in strength, though Adyn has the larger brain. anyway, that was pretty much it]

Well, that's all for now, just wanted to update you! Love Mr Mommy!

Mom Is The Bomb! The Buzzsaw Mommy Blog!

For many of my readers it may come as quite a shock that I decided to turn The Buzzsaw Report into a mommy blog, but I have my reasons and shame on you for questioning me! Tsk tsk! Actually, full disclosure, the main reason I decided to do it was because Mommy blogs are really popular with female readers. Actually that is the only reason. Anyway, let me tell you about my latest creation!

One of the many aspects of mommy blogging is arts and crafts. So I have been working like a madman (woman) on all kinds of themed macrame! Here are just a few examples!


This one almost ended in CATastrophe!


I sold the whole KITTEN caboodle on my Etsy site!


I copied this one from a CATalog!


Not like I get to do that stuff all the time, what with looking after my twins, Kadyn and Adyn! Of course Onyx, my eldest is very independent at 15, in fact I just took her in to Mr Nasty's Tatoo Emporium and she got a rocking little tramp stamp! It is super sexy and I happily signed the parental consent. Of course since I have been prescribed Xanax for my anxiety disorder I have really started to go with the flow! For the most part my parental philosophy has been to simply let kids be kids! That's why I wasn't super worried when Kadyn got suspended from 7th grade for throwing clay at a teachers window! From what he says she is a major bitch and had it coming! In my opinion, she actually got lucky! Kadyn is a cunning little fucker, so if he really wanted to he could probably destroy you computer wise! See, I bought all my kids all the latest stuff at a young age and now they are hella computer literate! Actually Onyx has been getting a lot of dates through Zoosk and Plenty Of Fish, which is super good for her! She is super into older men, so the online dating thing is WAY better! Actually she just walked in to my study and said she is going to a musical WITH A DOCTOR!!!! SQUUEEEEEEEE!!!! He's a TOTAL hardbody! Anyway, one of these days we will have to go on a double date, but I would hate to cramp her style! OK, enough about the kids! Back to me! This week I have a mani/pedi and a meeting with my probation officer! He's super hot too actually, so maybe I will see if he wants to go out with Onyx and I if that scrumptious doctor asks her out a second time! OK, now I am really done and it's time for reader questions!!!!!

Dear Mr Mom, my 23 year old son has just told me that he loves Twilight and wants to be a vampire, what should I do? Lori in Pennsyltucky

Dear Lori, that is so cute! Your young one just might be the smartest boy around! You see The Twilight Saga is very very popular with the female crowd! He has just landed himself a great conversation starter with women of all ages! AND I MEAN ALL! Anyway, my suggestion is that he get some fang marks tatted on his neck so he can really play up the vampire bit! He is looking to be slammed with all kinds of trim in no time! So you tell your lil' Nesferatu to keep his head up and his pockets full of rubbers! I see a bright (just kidding, *sunlight* LOL) future for this young man! Watch out ladies, Cullen coming through!
Love, Mr Mommy

Dear Mr Mommy, My fifteen year old just told me that he hates his name and wants to change it! What should I do? Judy, in Carolina

Dear Judy, first of all, tell him hell yes! But of course there are limits! Under no circumstances should you allow him to change it to Penis Smith or Constipation Williams. Those two names are terrible and strictly OFF LIMITS! lol/JK! He should actually feel free as a bird when changing his name (which of course you should let him do), so tell him to write all his ideas on pieces of paper and put them in a hat. The only rule is that you are the one who gets to pick. This will secure your status of matron! HAHAHA! Gotcha again! If it were me I would just get everybody drunk, let my kid choose his name, then take a cab to the courthouse and get 'er done! LOL! You are super funny Judy! Who even asks a question like this? A nerd? Anyway, I hear the Pizza delivery guy, so since the boys are playing video games and Onyx is out, I think I may invite him in so I can "inspect his peperoni"!! LOL! Gotta go! Mr Mommy

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Demon Baby in a board!

The truth behind reality tv!

What I do to entertain myself at my shitty job!

In my current position as a slave in a sheet metal shop, I have ample opportunity to spend hours doing repetitive work. Often in the course of my day co-workers will ask me if I am bored yet. Nope! After spending 6 months on a hellish bok choi farm in South Australia (17 hour days, 7 days a week for months, all while being screamed at for minor infractions) I can take a trip in my mind damn near anywhere. So while I am bending several thousand pipe clamps, or spot welding 500 electrical boxes, I just get comfortable and let my mind rip. Often it goes directly to butts and boobs, do not pass go. This of course is great, yet there are certain times where it is not OK to walk around with a raging hard on, and work is one of those, so there are other things I do. Lately I have been imagining the most boring guy in the shop transforming into a wild ass pimp in his off time. During breaks I have been sharing our exploits with the rest of the workers.

First off, the man is named Tolly. Tolly. Have you ever heard of this name? I keep wanting to ask him what it is short for (Toliver? Toll? Tollian?). Secondly, though he has a short pony tale,  the guy is far from wild. In fact he sort of seems like he is dosed up on sedatives all damn day. I have honestly never seen him do anything fast at all. Perhaps that is why I like to imagine him turning into a complete maniac at night.




He looks slightly more entertaining than this guy, but trust me, he is not.


One thing I like to do is take exploits of say John Bonham and accredit Tolly with executing them. So far I have told my coworkers that Tolly and I did tons of coke and at the hotel party Tolly took a shit in one of the strippers shoes. Next chance I get I will let them know that he drove a Cadillac into the hotel pool. Another story is one I heard from a friend of a person who knew a person who worked on a movie with Sylvester Stalone. Allegedly, this person was walking past Stalone's trailer and heard him say: "Cuddle the balls. Cuddle the balls!"

 Of course I have my own inventions too. In my mind Tolly only wears pin striped suits and uses a cane. He is also quite fond of referring to his genitalia as "giblets"! I am wholly unsure where I came up with that term, but I like it for Tolly. So far the image I have created of him has been a misogynist yet as I write this I think I may turn him into a better person. perhaps beating a dudes ass who was being rude to his own woman. Of course the story would end with me and Tolly doing an 8 ball of coke off of her and several other womens asses, but that is why we are so bad ass me and Tolly. In fact, you may no know, but last Friday we decided to go to Atlantic City. Tolly and I. Of course our purposes were lecherous.

As you may know, I am a celebrity look-alike. What you may not know, is that Tolly is an expert card counter. So without any actual credentials, we managed to bluff our way in to the high stakes poker game! It was insane! I acted as the rube, while Tolly cleaned house. At the end of the night Tolly and I left with a $85,000 a Russian model, and the wife of one of the guys at the table. It was a hell of a night. We also hung out Saturday, during which time we stole a tiger from the Brooklyn Zoo which we brought back to Tolly's. Anyway, that is what I do during the work day. I find myself laughing a lot. 

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Craigslist Quickie: ARE YOU CHRISTIAN AND SEXY????

As I am extremely busy, what with wanting to go swimming and having recently written an e-mail, what little I give you today will have to suffice. But I think the gem I found on Craigslist Harrisburg's Strictly Platonic should tickle your funny bone/and or, I want a creepy new boyfriend from Florida bone...Without further ado:

Are you christian and sexy? - m4w (South Florida)


Hello to all the beautiful ladies in Pennsylvania.

+=+= PLEASE READ BEFORE REPLYING =+=+

I will be moving to PA from FL some time in July or August. I know it will be lonely when I get there, so it would be nice

to find a few nice christian ladies for friendship. Since friends make the best lovers, I want to focus on our friendship first.

I love hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc., and I BELIEVE IN ONE RELATIONSHIP AT A TIME.

I'm a christian man with great family values looking for a christian woman with great family values as well.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT WHERE YOU'RE FROM OR YOUR ETHNIC BACKGROUND. I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR AGE EITHER AS LONG AS YOU'RE 21 OR MORE.

PLEASE DON'T WRITE ME ASKING TO SEND PICTURES. I WOULD PREFER THIS TO BE A SURPRISE FOR BOTH OF US IF WE DECIDE TO MEET.

BESIDES, THERE ARE TOO MANY SCAMS GOING ON HERE WHERE PEOPLE ARE COLLECTING NAMES, AGE, PICTURES, ETC.

IF YOU'RE NOT OKAY WITH THIS, THEN YOU DON'T NEED TO WRITE.

I look forward to being with one of you sexy ladies. Email me so we can get our friendship started.

Take care of yourself, and may God bless you.

+=+= THANKS FOR READING MY AD =+=+ 





For fun, why don't we play the game where you post comments about this for me to read. I'm going swimming!!!!!!


Sunday, May 12, 2013

How to steal from dead guys and impress women!

Being a man who is prone to obsessions, there are certain things I have spent many years thinking about. Burritos, and Jimmy Buffett are two of those things.


A life without passion is meaningless!

Really, the whole Centaur culture is fascinating!


Thus it should really come as no surprise that I have been thinking about stealing from dead people to impress women for 15 years at least. Probably the impetus of this thought was when I noticed that when a couple are in a relationship, it seems like one or the other was always "getting in trouble" for some stupid ass bullshit nobody would care about if they were single. Such as noticing a haircut, or remembering a 6 month dating "anniversary" (which are actually not possible you fucking dolts!)!!!!

Somehow I really started thinking about how women like flowers and most men think they are generally useless. I thought about it a lot. Finally I came to the conclusion that if flowers are what it takes to make a woman happy, then hell, it's easy so do it! But then reality kicked in. Fuck. Flowers are expensive, it would be much better to get them for free, but where? Of course being a bad boy, I figured you could go around at night and clip them from other peoples yards and parks. It would be free and they would be fresh. But on the other hand, it was a finite supply. You can't just keep stealing flowers out of parks willy nilly or you risk turning into a 1960's era Batman villain (The De-Florist?)!!! Plus people plant flowers in their yard to spruce the place up! It looks nice! You don't want to steal from the park too much because it ruins it for everybody. Anyway, I needed another solution I needed to take free flowers from a source that wouldn't miss them at all. Dead guys.

What do flowers have to do with dead guys you ask? Everything. Dead guys are the best free source of flowers you could get, it's a steady supply, and honestly you are taking better care of their legacy if you go to the source to get them. That's right, I am talking about taking flowers from dead guys grave sites and giving them to your girlfriend or wife. And I am telling you, this scheme is win-win!

To begin with let me go with what I know. Most dudes are not super into getting flowers for gifts. In fact never in my life have a met a man who was excited about flowers he got, or sad because he never got flowers. It just is not a thing. I can't speak for the male gays, they probably like flowers, but that probably is offset by the minority group of women who don't get excited about flowers. Trust me on this! Guys don't like flowers when they are alive, and they sure as fuck don't care about them when they are dead!

So let's bring it together. If you need flowers in a pinch, the best solution is to swing by a cemetery! Take a stroll through the headstones as if you are looking for a certain grave site. Keep your head down and walk slow so you look sad. What you are really looking for is fresh flowers. So when you see what looks like a fresh bunch, check and see if was a man or a woman. If it was a man, see if he went by his full name (Stephen, Patrick, or Jonathan etc.), see if he were married and had kids. If he seems heterosexual enough, look around to see if the family is in the immediate vicinity. If not, kneel as if you are praying for the dead guy. Then when nobody is looking pick those suckers up! Dead guy won't care and most likely the family won't be back the next day. So get on home to the woman and spend the money you saved on wine! It's obviously the best way to do things. Probably I would not tell the girlfriend or wife either because women seem to find things like this offensive on several levels. Personally I find wasting money offensive, so I can rationalize it that way. The End!

Notes: If you try this, please let me know how it works out. So far this is only a damn good theory, but I want my readers to know that I am only writing this stuff for them! Hope you found this helpful! Love Buzz!


Saturday, April 27, 2013

VERY good fisherman! Minneapolis Craigslist Again!

April 27, 2013

Happy belated birthday to me! RIP George Jones! Happy early birthday Willie Nelson! Fuck you Adolf Hitler you dead Austrian fuck! And Springtime Has SPRUNG!!!! After months of living in what we have been referring to as “Mordor” the leaves on all the trees have popped out and everything in Central PA is verdant! And I just got a bunch of dumbbells and we are getting the kayak out. None of which is funny at all, so I better get to the point. As you may know, I am spending a lot of my creative energy “writing” and recording my podcast, I have also decided to focuson music again. May be motivated by being single on that one. Don't know. Oh yeah, I am not yet to the point! So without further ado, it's time for another Craigslist Translation! This time, as I have already been unfunny for an entire (probably grammatically FUBAR) paragraph, I figured I should hit up the always weird as testicles town of Minneapolis. Also my parents just went to a wedding there. I hope they don't read this. Here we go!

WARNING!!!!! THIS ONE IS “SORT OF” NORMAL, SO I INTEND TO READ BETWEEN THE LINES!!!!!! AND MAKE UP A FEW LIES!!!!!!! AND BE COMPLETELY SELF AGRANDIZING!



Wanted: Pleasant, kind, active female fishing partner - m4w - 40 (mpls) 

 

I will always stare directly into your eyes. ALWAYS!!!!

I bought a boat last year for me and my then fiancee' to go out and enjoy the lakes fishing etc. Well, this year I have the boat and no Fiancee' so I am hoping to find someone to fill that void of having someone to go fishing with. It is a nice boat that can hold three and a few dogs. It is just a fishing boat, so it is NOT glamorous. I would prefer you to be honest, kind, friendly and know at least a little bit about what you are doing. I generally troll for Northerns in the lakes up north and am a VERY good fisherman. I never come home without fish. I am not asking for anything in return, but handling a boat would be helpful when loading and unloading. I can easily do it myself, but an extra hand is always great.


I am an attractive fun spirited intelligent gentleman.

This may lead to weekend trips up north so pleas be willing to at least consider that.

Please send a picture. This is more of a call out for a companion, but if it leads to a relationship, I am fine with that.

Buzzsaw's Final Thoughts!!!!

The title to this post at first glance doesn't raise too many red flags. Nothing about trading his wife's dirty underwear or being a hung STR8 Stud. He doesn't even bring up My Little Pony Cosplay!


If I am to be totally transparent, I must admit that I brought that up.
 Any n00b would think it very innocuous. Ha! Only to the untrained eye! It's right there in the first word! “Wanted:” like an outlaw wanted. Wanted, like a perfectly muscled pool boy. Wanted: Janitorial Professional For Glory Hole Maze! Wanted: Fishing ASS-I$tant! Kind, not one to talk back to the captain! Active, as in able to cut bait, load and unload ice. Clean and gut fish. Knife go in. Guts come out. This is an advertisement for indentured servitude. Let's move right along to the body of the text!

“I bought a boat last year for me and my then fiancee' to go out and enjoy the lakes fishing etc.”

Wahoo. Right out of the gate with the ex-fiancee. He also bought the boat to take her out. No telling if he brought her back in, or just jettisoned the body in one of the lakes up north! No, seriously, I don't think her murdered her to death, he probably just assholed himself out of a fiancee. She probably hated that fucking boat! Oh, and I am going to name this guy Jim Palmer to make it fun. His ex-fiancee is Jennifer Hill. Anyway, I imagine Jim buying this boat as a gift for her but really for him. Then he drags her out after a long week at work and “takes her fishing” at 5 in the fucking morning. Probably trying to get romantic at night after yelling at her all day about how she is doing everything wrong! Of course she probably turned his trout away at night, and he had to rub one out of his cod rod. I digress, it gets better!

“Well, this year I have the boat and no Fiancee' so I am hoping to find someone to fill that void of having someone to go fishing with.”

Yeah Jim, we gathered when you dropped “ex-fiancee” in the previous sentence. But your bedside, or bunkside manner is so terrible you just had to hammer that point home. Oh, and “fill the void” is in no way creepy. Nice. But it gets better...

“It is a nice boat that can hold three and a few dogs.”

OK. Many of you probably own dogs and think this is normal. But I imagine that Jim is telling the reader not so they can bring their own pooch, but to let them know that he has several dogs as well. Nothing like sharing a boat berth with three dogs and The Captain. Fuck I bet it smells so bad! Fish and wet dogs! Let's make a baby! I would also bet that Jim eats pickles and sardines too. Assuredly he smells like double dipped ass. Moving on.

“It is just a fishing boat, so it is NOT glamorous.”

OK, so judging by this, our first example of ALL CAPS in the post, I gather that the boat is PRETTY SHITTY! OK JIM! WE GET IT! THE BOAT SMELLS LIKE DOGS, URINE, PICKLES AND FISH!!! WE GET IT! YOU WILL BE WAKING YOUR LADY FRIEND UP AT FOUR AM WHEN FISH!!!!

“I would prefer you to be honest, kind, friendly and know at least a little bit about what you are doing”

Jim wants you to know that he will berate you for every misstep all while trying to slip the salmon to you. Best to bring a pistol.

“I generally troll for Northerns in the lakes up north and am a VERY good fisherman. I never come home without fish.”

I have no idea if being a VERY good fisherman is impressive to women, so I am about to Google it. I went to a really annoying site called Ask Men. It had one of those annoying top ten lists (with pop ups that makes you click through all ten entries) of skills that impress women. There was no word as to where they came up with the answers for the list. Hopefully from polling women. Sadly for our pal Jim, not included on the list were fishing skills. If he is waiting for the Swedish Bikini Team to pop out of a cove like a beer commercial next time he lands a fifty pound pike I reckon he will wait awhile. Sorry Jim, maybe take up dancing, or literally anything other than fishing.

“I am not asking for anything in return, but handling a boat would be helpful when loading and unloading. I can easily do it myself, but an extra hand is always great.

I am an attractive fun spirited intelligent gentleman.

This may lead to weekend trips up north so pleas be willing to at least consider that.

Please send a picture. This is more of a call out for a companion, but if it leads to a relationship, I am fine with that.”

I got tired of Jim, plus I need to get home to let the Comcast guy in. So I will let you take the wheel on this section, and I will leave you with some Thundercats cosplay pics. Cheers! Buzzard!







This is probably surprisingly fun when drunk.

The gang's all here!

Dave Chappelle obviously got the memo!

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Mike Jones giant box of gay porn

It's my birthday blog! Part One

I know, it's actually not my birthday. That was just another in the long series of lies and half truths which is The BS Report. To be fair, my birthday is in two days, and there is a strong chance that I will be busy, so let's meet halfway and consider it my birthday for the next month or so. I don't want any of you people (beautiful people) to miss it and feel like festering boils on the face of humanity (if you miss it you should though).

My original intent was to make a long list of things you can buy me, but I am way too lazy so instead, if you actually want to buy me something (you do), you can buy me all the Johnny Cash posters Hatch Gallery sells. You could also buy me posters from Stanley Mouse. But absolutely no knick knacks or other hard goods. Thanks! You're welcome!


Check with me first because I only need one of each.
 OK. Now that we have that out of the way, I had better get some content up here that is both fascinating and hilarious, so I have decided to give you a glimpse into my life through pictures. These were all taken within the last couple weeks and should give you a better idea of just how bitchin' I actually am. Really. This is all about me. Not you. It's my damn birthday people! Read it and weep! Moving right along!

8) It's VERY weird living in a red state!
To be fair, this is not the silliest display I've seen, but it IS a PT Cruiser!
I cannot tell a lie, when it comes to social issues I can only be described as liberal. So getting slapped down in the middle of the fucking bible belt is really blowing my mind! Not to make a blanket statement about everyone in Central PA, I think it can be safely said that the racism in this area is the worst I have ever seen! It's mind blowingly overt. It seems that many of the natives don't know that Pennsylvania fought on the NORTHERN side of the Civil War. If I were a slave and escaped into PA I would probably have given some thought to the idea of escaping BACK into slavery so I wouldn't have to deal with the ignorant fucks that live here. That said there are a lot of good people here, though I am planning on fighting on the black side if it comes down to a race war. And if you are upset that I am sort of linking the GOP to racism with this little rant, yes.


7) Jesus is here (sort of)

I don't know if this stuff is for sale, but you could buy it for my birthday too!
As far as I know lot's of people here go to church. Maybe that is why they are scared of our half white president taking their guns and forcing them to get gay married. I honestly don't know. It has been fun though, because I work with two guys who are so scared of the number 666 that when one of them bought $6.66 worth of food with a $20 bill he left the change because he was terrified of damnation. Another guy was telling us about his Easter service during which his pastor told the (totally untrue) story about Winston Churchill getting his life saved twice by Sir Alexander Fleming. It was special. As soon as he started telling us that BS I knew it had to be fake. I've done 30 years of steady churchin' so my BS detector is highly tuned. Anyway, this is the day to day. VERY fun.

NOTE: HOLY SHIT! I AM IN BARNES AND NOBLE AND THEY ARE HAVING A BOOK READING IN THE KIDS SECTION. THAT IS NOT CRAZY, BUT THE FACT THAT THEY JUST SANG THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER IS. NOW THEY ARE SINGING GOD BLESS AMERICA! FUCK ME DEAD! WHERE THE HELL AM I?????

NOT HERE MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!!! DON'T TREAD ON ME BITCH!!

6) Smoking/No Smoking!

I didn't move these.
I found this while walking the other day and I knew I had to take a picture. I think I will let you fend for yourself on this one.

5) Cranberry Court

The trial was juicy!
This is not totally insane, but it made me think it was either a place where fruit is judged by a jury of their peers, or a mid-80's British TV series full of whacky pratfalls and rollickingly deadpan humor.


4) POWER UP!!!

I just realized that this is a plumbing fixture. Very Meta.
Not much else to say except that when you move to a city and it already has a Mario fire hydrant, you take the bad with the good.

3) The trains

Also everything is blue here
I need trains in my life and Harrisburg is a major hub. Not only does Amtrak stop here, but there are several major freight lines too. I can see piggy back freight trains go by several times a day and I go to sleep to the pounding of steel on steel. It makes perfect sense that I would stay.

2) Lloyd Bridges

At the very least a very good look-alike!
One of the first things I noticed about this place was the bridges spanning the Susquahanna River. It is over a mile wide at points and though it is not deep it is still mighty. This picture was taken from an old train bridge that is out of commision. So I go hang out on it every chance I get. There is a shopping cart at the base and I use it as a basketball hoop with rocks! Seriously ladies, I am single!

1) Jeff Bridges

Dead Ringer!!!!
Yeah, really this is the same entry as above, it's sunny and I am much more motivated to go hang out with my half white friend and play guitar. In fact that is exactly what I am going to do now. Not even going to splele cheew;fuohck thsajdyhsd sdjks dkjdfhfd sfaf.ssfj nsdmfnsdj fjhdg sd,FN kdFHBS,DBC>DC KDJC DCB CDB