Friday, May 27, 2011

7 Legitimate Reasons Not to Start Playing Harmonica!

I started playing harmonica in the middle of November 1998. I made a mental note. I was 19 ½ at the time. People start playing music for different reasons. I had two. The first was that for some reason (possibly tying to the ancient way of the samurai?), my still developing frontal lobe determined that a real man must play an instrument. A tiny instrument. The other reason that I started was because I wanted to be in Jimmy Buffett’s band. At least I had the sense to realize that was unlikely and started writing songs and playing guitar (at the time Buffett was still playing with the badass Greg “Fingers” Taylor at first chair harmonica). Now, a full 12 years later I have learned a few things. About the downside of playing harmonica. So if you are tempted to pick one up and start, please read on. What you find may just convince you not to.

7) Harmonicas are expensive.
Looking at a harmonica it is tempting to think that because it is small that it is cheap. This is far from true. Of course there are cheap, piece of crap harmonicas which you can buy. They tend to work just about as well as a cheap; piece of crap condom might work. Want to try it? A standard 10 hole diatonic (normal) harmonica costs anywhere between $25-$40. This would not be a big deal unless you factor in the different keys you will need. Then your number might jump to 15. So you are suddenly looking at between $375-600. And you need to replace broken ones. And if you play blues you will need a mic and tube amp (unless you are the Bruce Willis type of “bluesman”). Now you are approaching $1,000. And you still sound like crap. So you will need lessons. Wait, they make harmonica lessons? Yes, and a great harmonica teacher is hard to find. And when you do find a guy like Grant Dermody, lessons cost $1 a minute. And the shortest lesson is 30 minutes. And a good teacher will easily convince you that you are so bad you need an hour lesson. Of course these will pay off when Buffett hires you (“Fingers Taylor left The Coral Reefer Band about 8 years ago).
6) Annoying Bob Dylan comparisons.
Let’s try and forget the fact that Woody Guthrie ever existed (if you have never heard of him slap yourself as hard as you can, and ask the next person you meet to punch your face). Even if we could do that, it still doesn’t make Bob Dylan less of a thief or more of a pioneer of playing harmonica and guitar at the same time. To the best of my knowledge the first person to do that was Jesse Fuller, who is most famous for writing “San Francisco Bay Blues.”  Sadly most people don’t know that. So if you happen to want to try to play harmonica and guitar at the same time, rest assured, you will be compared to Bob Dylan. If you do happen to play harmonica and guitar at the same time, and your harmonica playing does in fact sound like Bob Dylan’s playing, please, quit playing immediately. The quality of Bob Dylan’s harmonica playing is somewhere between that of children’s toys coated in lead paint, and that of a cheap, piece of crap harmonica. The last thing any harmonica player would want is to sound like him. Like a wounded bobcat.
Pictured: A wounded bobcat
5) People want to touch your instruments.
I can’t speak for any other instruments, but since harmonicas are small and seem look like toys, everyone thinks they can play. Bob Dylan didn’t help with his cheap, piece of crap playing. Because of this there is going to be a time when your friend, the drunk guy at church, or a prostitute might want to play your harmonicas. This is not only gross, but how good would you feel if a prostitute blew your low F sharp note and broke it? Not very good considering the fact that you would probably have to order a replacement by mail. Also you do not want the mouth of a prostitute anywhere near the instrument where your mouth will be because that is how germs are shared. Plus it’s a prostitute. I personally have had to punch my old roommate for playing my harmonicas (he thought it was HILARIOUS to play them when I told him not to). Even though he was actually not a prostitute (surprising) it was still gross. It was also a great excuse for punching him. I would do the same to anyone else who dares to try it. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!!!!
4) You will be forced to perform at random times.
Pictured: The monkey represents you as a harmonica player

I have no idea if other musicians are randomly asked to “play something” when they are at dinner with a friend’s parents. If not, *spoiler* It’s really annoying! In my case I am an ensemble harmonica player. I am not a power house blues player. Essentially I thrive playing long drawn out notes during slow soulful songs. This translates really poorly to impromptu solo performances that are requested at random. It seems in my opinion sort of like asking your mathematician friend to “quick do some math” oblivious to the fact that even if he wanted to, your dumb ass would not understand it. Also, after forcing me to play a “short ditty” clapping afterwards just makes it worse. Like telling a stripper to “take care of yourself.”
3) You will be compared to John Popper
Aside from Bob Dylan and Neil Young (who unlike Dylan actually plays music on harmonicas) the only other harmonica player most people know is John Popper. It is far from uncommon to be asked if you can “play like Blues Traveler?” while the questioner makes a fake hand harmonica and mimes playing it. Short answer, HELL NO! John Popper is a WORLD CLASS MUSICIAN. If he were a cyclist he would kick the crap out of Lance Armstrong, if he were an astronaut he would kick the crap out of Neil Armstrong, and if he were a rubber kids toy/potential Taylor Lautner film vehicle, he would kick the crap out of Stretch Armstrong! John Popper is the Eddy Van Halen of harmonicas, it is laughable to even try to play like him. The up side of attempting to play like Popper is that you will not sound like Bob Dylan; this is a very good thing.
2) Ease of entry
Did someone ask if I had a harmonica? Hell yes I have a harmonica!

My uncle Alan Dick (who I have mentioned in two previous BS reports) is a professional violinist, of the “let’s play some more complex gypsy swing jazz, as long as it has 14 chords in the progression and a groovy rhythm” type. He taught me about a little thing called “The Guitar Army.” This is the unruly horde of terrible to brilliant guitar players in the world. There will always be more idiots in the guitar army, but it takes only one idiot with a harmonica to ruin a perfectly good jam. The sound is cutting, and while you can drown out the sound of a crappy classical guitar, a cheap, crappy harmonica can be played plenty loud. Sadly that is not the worst that can happen.
Despite common sense and proper human decency there are still people who think that Bob Dylan is a great harmonica player. These people would be completely incorrect. Sadly, they continue to propagate and every year some snot nosed “new folk” musician will buy a harmonica and inflict noise on the audience, without attempting anything resembling practice. The fact is that it is pretty easy to make musical sounds on a harmonica, but to play it well takes hours of practice, rigid discipline, and if you are smart $1 a minute lessons. And you still won’t sound like John Popper. It is funny that a person who plays guitar well, knows how to operate the internet, is forward thinking to stuff a sock in his underwear (the FRONT side) before playing a show, would play an instrument he had barely practiced and knows almost nothing about. Yet it happens every day. I can pick out a Dylan influenced player within two notes. I shoot them on the third.
1)      Difficulty.
It's so EASY!

In case you were wondering, playing any instrument well is tough. Guitars will make your fingers bleed and a butt trumpet will make, wait a minute…Like I was saying, harmonica is hard as hell. It hurts your mouth, there are all kinds of weird techniques, plus it doesn’t go with every kind of music. During the times in my life I call the “Takin’ Harmonica Seriously” time periods; I was practicing 2 hours a day. This was alone. I would also practice with various bands a couple times a week. And the two hours did not always include guitar playing. Guess what? I am still not that great! Of course being way better at harmonica than Dylan feels pretty good. Like being way better at running faster than a 5 year old.

In closing, I hope I only crushed a few dreams with this piece. Seriously, you too can be better at harmonica than Bob Dylan. You have a pulse.
Note: In the days following this posting, I had the lingering suspicion that I was forgetting something. Upon some serious naval gazing it came to me! I was! There were at least two more very legitimate reasons not to start with harmonica playing! First of all, the harmonica is commonly misidentified by too-hip for their own good morons (AKA, buffoons). The lists of their offenses is long, but by far the worst is when they call a harmonica a "Jews harp." Let me just say that I don't even say the word Jew. Ever. Not even as part of another word like: juice or June. When reffering to Jew's I simply call them "those people." I figure that their is zero chance of being labeled an anti-Semite if I never say it. So to call myself a "Jew's harp player" would be obscene! Not only is the name possibly racist, an actual Jew's harp is in fact a jaw harp, which is one of those metal things that go "boing boing boing" and are often played by hillbilly Scooby Doo villians! So, no thank you, I do not want you to racistly misidentify the instrument I spend hours practicing in order to be less crappy than Bob Dylan. Thank you.

Second, the harmonica is one of the only instruments (it belongs to the free-reed family) which requires an inhalation of breath in order to create more than half the available notes. Essentially, you cannot play harmonica without inhaling. Also known as sucking. Of course, because not all harmonica players are incredibly stupid/perverted (that covers only 98%) the rest have decided that it should be called "drawing." This is smart, because it is in fact a better term, a more controlled inhalation of breath as opposed to a violent "sucking." There is also the part about not instigating consistently awful comments about "sucking." Do I really need to expound on the wide variety of unoriginal/obnoxious ways the term "sucking" can be misconstrued? Oh, you have all watched Two and a Half Men? OK, good to know. The Buzzman.

Monday, May 23, 2011

American Idle

In America we love to dream. We love to dream so much that there is a saying that goes "We love to dream the American dream in this dreamy land of dreamers of American dreams!" It is actually one of my favorite sayings, and one of the top contenders in the "my first tattoo" category. Personally I am thinking cursive font on my right tricep. Well when you are as much of an American (Toby Keith fan) as me, people seem to sense it (I dress in only red, white and blue). When people sense that you are an American and a dreamer, they tend to suggest things to you. Different dreams. specifically (or "pacifically" as I heard someone say on Friday) they think I should go on American Idol. That is because I play music and apparently, if you play music and you haven't "been discovered" you should do that. Sadly, though I do dream about getting rich and wasting my money on ridiculous things like crowns, thrones and court jesters/entourage/live tigers, I do not dream of American Idol. For one thing I am far too lazy to show up at the place to stand in line and audition. Call me an American Idle.

In fact I am so lazy, that in my open letter to those who think I should go on Idol, I am not even going to attempt structure or organization, let alone rational thought and ethics. Simply stated, American Idol is a retread of Star Search, a highly stylized "search" for a Pop singer. In fact, I think it could be argued that American Idol is more about that "search" than it is about the actual Idols. Quick, name as many American Idols as you can. Ruben Stoddard? Sanjaya? Kelly Clarkeson? The guy with the gray hair? Clay Aiken (hilariously I saw a mid 80's Dodge Caravan with a license plate "CLYAIKN" last June)?????? I could have named a couple of them, the only reason I got so many right there was because of my impeccable memory and the fact that I read the wikipedia entry today. The point is that you can't name very many. Even if you could name them (which you can't), I would be flabbergasted if you owned any of their music or had been to a concert. Of course, we all probably have an Adam Lambert album which belongs to a friend but.....Actually I believe that Adam Lambert is actually the biggest star out of the bunch, so my apologies.

Anyway, back to the topic, the show is not even a good way to get famous, even if you are a pop performer with soft feathery hair, and a voice that sounds like George Michael. The simple fact is that you probably will not make the show. The purpose of Idol is to watch an underdog succeed, shed tears, and think about how you too could probably be on the show...they repeat this formula every season. They are not actually in the business of even "discovering talent" as they say, they just want you to think it could really happen. Someday, Alfred the singing garbage man will be shining in rhinestones and collaborating with Souljaboy. The truth is that it will probably never happen. Here are just some of the reasons why.

To begin with the contract that is offered to the winners is made for the benefit of the creators of the show. It has been criticized by people that actually care about TV, if you are interested look it up. Of course the artists do gain fans from the exposure. Usually the majority of these fans are people who enjoy cheesy, scripted "talent search" shows and possibly The Bachelor. They may be loyal, but they are not the type of fans who will push you anywhere outside of the main stream. But the truth is the 98% (a statistic I pulled out of my ass) of music is not found in the main stream. Have you heard of Fred Eaglesmith? Tim Seely? Alan Dick? These are profesional musicians and they never went on Idol. Musicians can make tons of money writing songs and doing advertising work, playing weddings, blackmailing people in broken elevators by playing shrill harmonica music, etc. That is the reality of the life of an artist anyway, it's a hustle. The dumb ass "talent search" takes that away. It is like the difference of winning $6,000,000 in the lottery, or creating a business that makes a $6,000,000 profit. Not that the contestants don't work hard and posses a ton of talent, it's just that they are looking for a specific thing. Someone like Bob Dylan would probably not go far in the Idol competition. He would probably be pissed about having to do all the hurry up and wait that surely goes hand in glove with a show like that. One artist I could see doing well on Idol would be Weird Al. Because he is bitchin'! In fact, I would watch Idol if it was about nerds who write parody versions of hit songs. I would even watch the shit out of it if the contestants had to sing Weird Al versions of all the songs they do! How great would it be to watch Kelly Clarkeson sing "My Bologna!"? Hmm, now I am really going to rethink the whole American Idol is a dried up relic of a show concept spiel...

So for all of you who think that the best suggestion you can think of for your musician friend is going on Idol, think again. Here are several better ways your musician friend could make money playing music. 1) Make good music. Make it often, and continue to work on your writing and playing everyday (I stopped playing guitar all winter). 2) Meet friends and make connections in your local music scene and in online communities. 3) Find radio stations that would play the kind of music you play and weasel your way in. This is key. Get to know the DJ's and be sure to tell them your name so they remember you. If they do it is more likely that you can get them to listen to your album. Trust me, radio stations get tons of albums. Most go unlistened to. 4) Develope a recognizable style. This can be in things as mundane as Twitter. Some people are good at sending out one liners and being funny, some people may be more thoughtful (these people usually sound like assholes). Some people might be good at finding videos and posting links. Getting a following of like minded people is the most important thing. When people are on board with an artist as they progress (waiting for them to get big so they can shun them), they are more loyal if they can say they discovered them. With Idol they get no such credibility. How cool can a musician be if he was "discovered" by Simon Cowell? Not very cool. OK, I have to go because the Microsoft employees in the office where I am working are taking computers apart and are talking about the Mythbusters episode with the Coke cans and rat urine myth. Wahoo. Actually, now the conversation is over, but the spell is broken. Call me an American Idle. Sincerely, Buzzsaw

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Internets: A Double Edged Sword (Straight from the Bowels of Hell!)

Hey there, even though it is sunny outside I figured my time was better spent inside staring at an internet! Not only that but I got so fired up that I decided to write about the internet and post the results, ON THE INTERNETS! The main reason I decided to do this is because in the past 24 hours I have been involved in some of the classic craziness that anyone who goes online has experienced. This is a phenomena which in academic settings is usually called "social retardation" so for brevity sake, let's agree to call it "S.R."!

Just so you know, I have been using the WWW since the mid 90's. My early experience included downloading porn on dial-up, and well, probably something else but I don't remember. of course by the time I got into college I had branched out into other areas like reading about music, and music oriented porn (there is something REALLY sexy about a topless woman in a powdered wig holding an oboe!). Back in those days, people were really starting to experiment with Ebay, online dating, and porn. It was a great time to be online, unfortunately I was devoted to trying not to suck at music, so I was less involved than I could have been. Essentially, instead of surfing the web like the rest of the people, I was playing around in the kiddie pool, content that urine was warm (and really glad that those urine detecting dye packs are an urban legend!).

I somehow made it through college without either using the APA writing format, any social networking, purchasing anything online, or ever switching from the courier font (it is by far the largest font, if you can get away with it GO FOR IT!). In fact, the extent of my internet use was still very limited until 2009, when I got a new computer and decided it was time to get back to the future! Then, in 2010 I realized I was going to have to really get modern, so I signed up for Facebook, Twitter, and Formspring. As soon as I realized how entirely useless Formspring was, I deleted my account. If you are curious I also signed up for Tumblr, but I can't figure out what it is useful for, and I never did anything with it. It will probably remain that way until I can find myself a hilarious intern who wants to work for free developing my page. Anyone? As for the rest of the "social notworking" sites, they have managed to infiltrate my body, and perhaps have managed to the small sliver of my soul which I still haven't sold for Quizno's subs. What follows are some of the highlights, lowlights, and life saving tips I have come to rely on in my 9 months of notworking.

One of the first things I learned was that it is wise never to post anything negative online. Of course that flies in the face of 98% of all posts, so you might be asking why. First off I learned that if you are having a bad day, it just gets weird if people start saying too many sympathetic things. I am well aware that there are people dying of cancer and starvation at this very moment, so the fact that I have $18 actually makes me a rich man by the standards of the actual world. So instead of whining about my life into the internet, it is usually better to present the same fact in a ridiculously humorous way.

For example yesterday I posted a video on Facebook of a musical instrument I wanted, reminding people that Christmas is "right around the corner" which is funny because it is absurd. Of course I actually did want the instrument, but if I came right out and said it, I would have looked like a dick! So I just stated it in a more passive aggressive way, and let me tell you, I am waiting and watching the mail!

Right along the same time that I learned not to complain into the web, I learned about conflicts and resolution. Or, how to not get embroiled in the worst time suck since video games. If you have been using the internets for 30 seconds you have already been involved in some kind of ridiculous argument with a complete stranger. I am not sure how they went down, comment threads are huge for that. For me personally I have usually found myself being attacked by crazies who have become my facebook friends. For the record I have had to block and remove 4 people from the list, which is actually surprisingly low. The question is what to do when they pop up.

My biggest hint for dealing with online conflict is to kill it by agreeing. Nothing will take the piss out of a flame war faster than agreeing with someone after they attack you and LEAVING! Yes that is right, if you are finding yourself in an online argument with CRAZYCATLADY56, you might want to do yourself a favor and get off the computer. Do anything, just get the hell out! With that, I leave you. I don't even care that what I wrote was sort of random and sprawling. It is a sunny day, and I am going outside! Buzzsaw!

Friday, May 13, 2011

ipadio: Post Fry's

ipadio: Fry's!


Good day to you kind sir or madam, it is a lovely morning in Washington state and I am feeling super! You probably did not notice that I have only posted two times this month, and here is why: I had nothing I felt like writing. Not that I have a lot to say now, but things have been happening. So today's piece is called why I changed my Facebook name and Twitter ID. Sounds gripping, and let me tell you it is. If you are a male with a Facebook namechange and Twitter ID fetish. Here is the story:

Back many moons ago, in June of 2010, I decided that in order to start a viable enterprise around my strange fake twin Robert Pattinson, I needed an online presence. The simple fact of the matter is, I should have started earlier. With technology a surefire way to tell if you are too late is when baby boomers are using it and "trying to be relevant" which is why Facebook is called "Oldbook" by non-creative and bitter hipsters. Anyway, I knew I needed a name, and when you have no Facebook friends and you are moving to Forks to start a Twilight Photo Booth (this OBVIOUS name for our business took almost a month to figure out!) you might want a fake name.

I had developed a fake story about how it would be possible for Robert Pattinson to have a black sheep of an older brother in witness protection sometime in the winter. It came because I was simply wondering what the name would be if he did. Thus I chose the name Richard Pattinson Jr. Of course when the actual Richard Pattinson walked past me and did a double take outside the after party for the Twilight Eclipse premiere, I figured the handle was legit. The funny thing is that even when I used it as my facebook profile, the only people who ever used it were primarily from places like Indonesia. Typically these folks would send me very short messages, to which I would reply in kind. Example:

Alice Goki: Hi Richat!
Richard Pattinson Jr: Hi!

To be totally frank, I loved those messages. Simple concise, and easily completed. The username was a double edged sword though. Using that name I could send friend requests to absolute strangers in hopes that they were mild fans of Twilight with other interests who just happened to have usernames like "Edward Cullens HawtandHornyHousemaid" and "Robs Dildo Inspiration." over the course of almost a year I was able to build up my friends list to almost 2,500 and I don't know how much was due to the nom de plum. What I did know is that people called me by my real name when they were making comments and I was trying to make a plan for the switch without confusing anyone. Mainly because I knew that since I would be done writing my book about the whole thing, I wanted to be able to have my own fanbase when I was done. The time would be soon, and I decided last night while having dinner with my parents that I was finished.

I was telling them about the confirmation that I would be featured on the local human interest show Evening Magazine sometime soon, when my mom asked what name I was going to use. Of course she does not have facebook, so Lord knows how she found out I was using a fake name, but the idea sort of made me ill. I have never had any desire to be anyone else, except of course Willie Nelson but that is obvious and everyone wants that. The fact that I was using a fake facebook handle didn't really bother me, but the idea of long term repercussions did. I in no way want to be Robert Pattinson, though I would be happy with 5% of his money. So, last night I randomly switched the username. Surprisingly, I only lost two people from my friends list. It might help that I posted a lie about being naked, but that is only a theory. Anyway, that is my brief explanation, and sort of a boring blog entry, but I promise, the next one will be a hilarious shoot-em up, during which time I find $100, have hilarious sex, and am in every way bitchin'! By the way, when I say I, it of course means YOU! PEACE OUT SUCKAZ! BUZZARD

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Hair like RPattz! And a little bit about being an ass double!

I found this in my external harddrive and felt the need to share. It seems that in winter 2009/10 I was already doing my homework and still very full of BS. I don't know why I felt the need to review the e-how article:How to Style your hair like Robert Pattinson, but it seems I did. I left all the steps in, and tried to keep the piece as unedited as possible, so you could see what I was working on so long ago, I left all the instructions in, they are kind of funny, and you might want to try them: 

1) This Pattinson hair style looks good on most face shapes, such as square, diamond, oval and oblong. Your hair can be most any texture from thin to medium, but if it is too thick it may not hold well. If you have thin or thinning hair, the Pattinson style will work well for you, too.

2) Your hair should be longer on top that the sides. Get about a quarter size of styling gel into the palm of your hand and then rub your hands together. Start at the roots of your hair at the crown don't just palm your head to spread it around but grab your hair and squish it with your hand. This is called scrunching and it helps to give you the effect you want. Put extra on the front.

3) Blow dry hair on a low setting. You can look at the mirror and do it, but the best is to bend over at the waist and dry your hair. Keep the dryer aimed at the roots and continue to scrunch. You want to get your hair almost completely dry, but you should check the mirror partly through to make sure it is looking the way you want. When you stand up to look at yourself in the mirror, your hair may look spiky or too tall, don't worry, it will settle down as you do the next step.

4) If the opposite happens and your hair is not staying up, then add a little bit more styling gel at your roots. Many people recommend "Fiber" as a good one to create this look. Use a little bit at a time, and keep experimenting till you get it just right. Too much and it will be weighed down and look greasy, too little and it won't stand up.

5) Using a small round brush, wrap your hair around the bristles and put the blow dryer on it. Don't pull the brush
through it, just unwrap your hair and let it fall. Randomly get more pieces of hair and wrap it up in the brush and blow dry for a few seconds and then unwrap.

6) If your sides are very short you can have them stick out and swirl them around in different directions. If they are longer, they may stick out too far, so in that case, just press them down a bit with your hand or run your fingers through your hair from your face towards the back of your head to make them lay down.

7) After you are done then take a little bit more of the styling gel and separate the curls and sculpt. Do not brush or comb your hair through or you will have to start all over again. Just separate with your fingers. Finish with a little wax or more gel at the tips of your tousled ends to set it.

As I start to really think about my hair, and the implications of being attached to such a commodity I start thinking about things like, Locks of Love, and Lloyds of London…seriously though, I never really knew that it was a big deal at all, except that it made my mother mad so I liked to grow it to irritate her. It was also sort of a tribute to country music recording artist Willie Nelson. So now that my hair is REALLY REALLY important, maybe my hair could get some kind of a show. I don’t know what you would call it, maybe “Ready or Not, Hair I Come!”, but that seems a bit too top heavy and long (no double pun intended!). It doesn’t really matter, my hair probably would be fairly boring after about seven or nine episodes, you might have to kill it off and replace it with a really bad toupee. After all, if I did go bald, I would take it like a man (though a show about balding would be "Hair today, gon Tomorrow").    
    So back to the issue at hand, this phony step two. While it is of some worth to say that your hair should be longer on the top than the sides, at the same time it is sort of a gross redundancy to even put that in print. Of course it should be longer on top! If it wasn’t it would look like some sort of reverse Mohawk or bizarre attempt to replace your fir stole with one that you are growing out of the sides of your head. But at the same time if someone is going to try and look like me when they don’t they might just be fool enough to do it with their hair short on the top and long on the sides. Actually, come to think of it, I don’t know of ANY hair styles which are longer on the sides than the top. Unless you are bald, and I will reiterate: If you are bald on top and you attempt my hairstyle, you will look like a clown! Just be a man and keep it short, it is better for all of us. Unless you are a scientist or a professor, in which case you owe us all the favor of looking like the stereotypical “mad genius”.
 Next problem, styling gel. I have never really needed it. I know that RP uses it, but I am not him and my hair does this on its own. I do not have to rely on the makers of “Palm Putty” or whatever brand of pomade that RP uses. I got it from the good Lord and I don’t want to give it back. So anyway take the gel and rub your hands together. Stupid, I think it is more efficient to take the bottle and give your head a little squirt. That way you don’t lose as much of the gel on your hands. I don’t know if RP thinks this way. Being really, really rich, he probably doesn’t. But if he did, I bet he would say that I am right.
 The article also says “don’t just palm your head”, and it makes me wonder if somebody might actually do that. If so I would guess that the result would be hideous, seeing as how it would matt down the top of your mane like a long haired pony which just had its saddle removed after it carried children around a corporate picnic for two hours in the middle of summer. And it would also sick your hair out on the side of your head. They say it is called “scrunching”, and I call it “doing your hair”, but that is just me. I don’t have to do this so I have never had to create a name for it.

What I thought was interesting about the “scrunching” is that they said “it helps give you the effect you want”. Really? That is fascinating, since I thought the entire purpose of the article was to “give you the effect you want”. I find it captivating that the article is about 8 steps to hair like RP, and in one of those 8 steps, the result is that “it gives you the effect you want”. I sort of half expected that it might turn your hair green or perhaps, grow your hair at an alarming rate. I guess this world is full of surprises and I should not lose any sleep over one more.

            Lastly, it says, put extra on the front. Now that is actually helpful. Your face is also on the front, so it would be good to get your hair out of your face, especially if you are in movies and your face will be featured prominently in whatever movie you are in. It is actually important to get your hair out of your face, and if you did not do that, it might prevent you from getting certain acting jobs, especially those in which your face is on screen. If you are just an ass double it probably is not quite as important, but it should still be taken into consideration.

            Which leads to another question.  If you are an ass double, do you have to have ass shots as well as head shots? If so would you try and make your ass as benign as possible, or would you try and pose your ass in different scenarios so potential casting directors could see how your ass would look in certain situations, such as in a tiki bar, or looking out of the statue of liberty’s crown. Or next to “Old Faithful”. It is a thought provoking question, I will have to ask someone who knows someone who knows. Or I can ask the Internet machine, though I am afraid of what I might find. It probably would find some kind of porn that the Doublemint Twins did after they lost their gusto in the advertising world.

Note: If you read the part I wrote about "squirting gel directly on your head" I have since found it to be erroneous. Gel is cheap enough to just put on your hands first. Buzzsaw

Projects. The morning after.

Hi there. I just wanted to say that my 6 month saga replacing the blown head gasket on my truck has come to a close. My truck broke down 5 miles south of Forks sometime in the middle of last August. Sadly my truck broke down right after our picture printing machine (and money making device) experienced an epic paper jam. At the time I envisioned an easy repair and then I would be back on the road. But that was before I drove my overheating truck the 5 miles back into town, when on arrival my cylinder head was warped to the point of engine failure. But I didn't know that until December.

The time in between was filled with some work, some writing, a bit of what is called "going to Louisiana with your friend and a 63 year old Australian Twilight fanatic" and maybe a bit of what I call "slacking." All the while I was slowly taking apart the engine. I sort of know what I am doing. Working as a welder/fabricator has prepared me to take things apart. Of course it did not prepare me to put anything back together, or diagnose engine troubles. I had a bit of help with the diagnosis part. Even with my lazy, jobless attitude, the truck slowly came back together. It felt like a dream at times. It had been gone so long I forgot what it was like when moving.

Finally one day I got it going. I called my insurance a. gent and got it driveable. Of course I was so excited that I neglected to look at the tabs, which had expired 7 months prior! Luckily the local Five-O were neglecting their duties as well, they didn't catch me. Of course I realized soon that I was in need of some tabs, so I headed to the emissions testing facility. Of course I got right to the front of the line when the radiator hose blew off spraying coolant everywhere. At this point the truck started overheating and I started freaking out. I had yet to get the truck legal and it was already in danger of repeating the same process I had worked so long to repair! That day I drove the truck home a half mile at a time, when the engine heated up I would park it. When I got close enough I walked.

The next time I went in to get it checked I did not spray coolant (that had been caused by a hose I forgot to clamp). What did end up happening was that I failed on account of my check engine light being on. I knew I had a problem, but I thought I had fixed it. Unfortunately, this meant that I had to fix it myself, hope that it worked, then bring it back in. If I failed again, I would need to pay again. Or pay a repair shop $150. So I fixed it for $42 and an hours work. Yes, I think the feeling was one of relief.

On Monday I went in to the DMV and got my tabs renewed until August 2012, at which point the world will have ended due to the Mayan prediction. It won't matter anyway. That is sort of how I feel. I know that the project is a big accomplishment, my friend Gentleman Ben the mechanic says so. Personally all I feel is that gas prices are high and I have a bunch of other projects to finish. Essentially I am experiencing postpartum depression. The long process sort of sucked the fun out of it, that and aging. Plus a good friend of mine said that the whole thing is worthless unless I paint the truck pink. At which point I might have to rename it from "Snowflake."

I guess that is all, I am going to try and fight the depression by not driving. I think spending money also causes the same symptoms. Especially when gas costs $4 a gallon. OK, that is my life. See ya!