Sunday, October 23, 2011

Black Light Fun? I'm in!

People have asked if I am homesick now that I am living next to an historic Australian nudist beach instead of in a filthy bungalow in Fall City WA, USA. Short answer, hell no! I am content to fill my time learning about Australia and in general getting comfortable with my new lifestyle! Yet there are those wee hours of the morning when I wish I owned an internet connection at the house so I could check up on things back home. So I did today. Via Craigslist. Here is what I found:

1) Black Light Fun? - m4w - 29 (n.everett)

i have two 4ft black lights in my living room and a couple of posters...Im seeing if there's a women out there that would like to have 420 & drinks with me tonight and rock a sexy black light outfit if u have one or we can go buy one

Im black 29
5'8 200lbs
i have my own place
no into BBW

My Thoughts: I have never lived in Everett, but luckily I have some cousins who grew up there, and they taught me about NEWT's, or North Everett White Trash. It seems that this man is hell bent on changing the reputation of North Everett, through the power of blacklights, glowing posters, and sexy blacklight outfits (which he has offered to buy!)!!! Though it is clear from his post that he is not overly concerned about puntuation and grammar, he is obviously a stickler about getting stoned and tripping out at all times! This is such a great offer of a fun time that my only misgiving is on account of the Big Black Women (BBW's) who are excluded from the fun!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Vote For ME!!!! (American as apple pie!!!!)!!!!-

Having recently relocated from Seattle to South Australia the approaching summer is making me very happy. Of course the whole not having terrible traffic thing is OK as well. But there is more. Next year is 2012, and aside from our impending doom due to the end of the Mayan calendar, the good old US of A is facing an even greater threat. The presidential election! Now some of you may not view it as a threat, but in my experience there is almost nothing worse in a first world country than “election year”! I decided to utilize the bulk of my limited intelligence to detail in list form just why I hate election years so much. The following is based solely on opinion, my opinion. If you disagree, I hope you enjoy being incorrect. Thank you. PS- I used some "foul language" so if you hate that, you have been warned!

I LOVE my country! And I HATE my cat!

            10) It ruins all media:
           An American election year our media industry’s proverbial “box of porn next to the couch in the woods”. Not that they were particularly hard up for stories, but like said box, it takes away their need to run around looking for them. I am sure this has something to do with the way our elections are staggered so that we have something going on all the time. In an elaborate scheme of deviltry the media agency’s have conspired to keep us constantly approaching a vote of sorts, giving them “news” to report…this thing could be big…but I diverge.
                During election year the general populace are paying closer attention to their news than on “off” years. This allows even the most non-event happenings to suddenly become a big deal. Not only that, but the politicians are feeding the PR machine with as much money as they can, the ones with the most money probably getting the most interviews. Our whole media system is awash with politics. It is a dog and pony show of epic proportion. Not only do you hear politics on talk shows, but our comedians are writing jokes about it, and more than likely Conner Oberst will have a musical outburst about it. Of course what you are hearing is probably not true either, so have fun trying to make sense of it. Luckily you can always turn off the TV and go home for the holidays…

9) It ruins all holidays
You thought you were going to celebrate a Thanksgiving dinner and just reflect on what good things you have enjoyed in the past year! Ha! You’re fucked! Remember the dog and pony show? Well the holidays are the perfect time for American politicians to flaunt their: religious convictions/revere for the American military/their love for poor people/general inability to be mere mortals in an effort to get sweet, sweet government jobs. This will be covered by the media in the form of speeches, press conferences next to monuments, or by showing a smiling candidate standing at a homeless shelter smiling a toothy grin (while he is contemplating how he can capture the homeless in order hunt them for sport)! And that is if you are lucky! I come from a family not really given to political debate, and our holiday fights usually involve someone  being late or something petty like the type of baste used on the turkey. We are probably part of the one percent. The rest break down something like this:
You have two bitter enemies facing off against each other, or you have a group of people patting themselves on the back (and being wrong). The first group is fairly obvious. I am sure that sometimes the arguments are pure political ideology disagreements. They are still a pain in the ass, and when you know that Uncle Mark and Uncle Kevin are going to be at each others throats if the national debt comes up, you can bet that the rest of the family will try to avoid the subject like Superman with kryptonite condoms. But it will come up. It is not like the pugilists have forgotten their war, it more than likely has been going on since long before the two uncles became interested in politics. Quite possibly these two just always hated each other and the national debt is a nice way of finding a neutral ground on which to war. Either way, a political argument will ruin a holiday faster than Steven Segal could punch your face in!
The other way your holiday could be ruined is through a self indulging “hurray for our side” gathering. This happens when a group of people who know enough to pick a side and cheer strongly for it get together. Be they Republicans or Democrats, whenever you are surrounded by a chorus of opinionated and vocal people, you are being a fucking idiot. I don’t care if you are 90% correct about all things political (probably not possible, but this is all made up bullshit anyway), you are still going to completely wrong about some aspect of it. But because you are in a group that parrots out talking points and agendas (or need the validation that comes from raising your kids to be exactly the same as you), you are in short, fucked. Though you may have a “happy” group, chances are that anyone who feels slightly different about things will simply write you off as dickbrained fuck, and your chance of influencing him to your side is gone. But the ones who need to feel constantly affirmed are not the ones actually trying to win people over. They simply want a fight (then a victory party where they smack each others asses).
8) It causes undue stress
An election year in the States is one of the most stressful things you can experience. For me personally I start to second guess everything. I feel guilty about not paying close enough attention. Then I feel guilty for paying attention to a couple of bastards talking out of their asses. Next I worry that I will start an argument with a friend causing unneeded discord. An American election year is like walking through a minefield/funhouse/set for a Japanese game show!
Take work for instance, there are just certain parts of your life which should not be turned into heated debates. Hungry after a long morning making boat davits you are relieved to hear Robert Hager say “LUNCH TIME” so you get your lunch out of the fridge. You go upstairs to eat with Robert (he ate the same sandwich everyday and an apple). Sitting in the dingy room you are relieved that at least for a half hour you can relax. Then without looking up Robert says “IF ‘BAMA GETS ‘LECTED HE’S JUST GONNA HELP OUT THE COLORED PEOPLE!!!!” In order to get the conversation closer to sanity you add “Robert, ‘Bama is half white you fucking jackass!! What makes you think he is only gonna help the “colored” people?” “OH SURE! I SEEN IT ON THE TV!” Realizing the futility of the situation you run down to the company computer (the password was: boat), hoping for a laugh. So you log onto facebook to check your news feed…
It is filled with things like this:
“If you are proud to be proud to be American re-post this status on your wall. Most of you are turncoats and will not do this. This is because you have no soul.”
Try and be relaxed when this is going on. By the time it is time to get back the making boat davits you are glad about it. Just imagine working in an office job. At least Robert is not prejudiced, he is just a relic of my country’s not too recent past.
7) It is like gambling, but with no chance to win money and a non-existent  pay off!
Americans like to talk about money when they talk about politics. Not the obscene amount of money that the candidates need to have in order to market themselves enough to become potential candidates, but the money that we will lose through taxes if candidate ______ gets elected. Of course like the rest, a huge percentage of these conversations come straight out of the speakers ass (just like this blog). But it can make you feel like you are actually going to see more money if certain things happen. While this may be true to some extent, for the most part it seems like a bunch of bull shit. I am willing to bet that the money we actually save or lose through taxes is pretty much the same whichever group of brain surgeons are in office. And to answer the debate, yes dumbass, your taxes will go up this year.

6) It makes you feel dirty even if you have a good time
One of the main activities of an election year revolves around making jokes at the expense of the opposite group. The problem with this is political jokes are low hanging comedic fruit, and the market gets flooded with terrible punch lines and retreads of humor that was stale in the neolithic period. Not to mention the fact that jokes making fun of other people in general will make you feel sort of shitty. They will either give you an overinflated sense of self worth, or they will make you feel guilty for being a dick and making fun of the stupid man with the fat, sausage like fingers. No matter what, a full season of political humor will turn you into the guy everybody hates to party with. And it will make you dumber and less discerning with your humor. I would much rather see a resurgence of Three Stooges type antics than hear whatever witticism Jon Stewart and his team of crack writers can come up with. Better yet, let the politicians act out classic Stooges scenes for our amusement. I would love to see ‘Bama eye poke Sarah Palin, her lenses hurt his hand, then she gives him an ear twist and a “Why I oughta! Why I oughta!” while marching him around the room. Of course what I am imagining is possibly some of the lowest hanging fruit around…
5) It breeds mistrust
The object of a political candidate is to make a majority of people believe that he is the better option for whatever office he is running for. This is a recipe for slander. And if not slandering the politicians are working their asses off to make themselves look like great people. Of course they are lying. Or at least it looks that way…And the media. They are simply trying to elect people they want, so they don’t tell the truth. Or do they? Are they truly just being objective (probably not). No matter what, by the end of an election year a true American will be off his rocker with paranoia. This seems to be the objective of the whole thing. Hell, I bet most of you don’t even trust me! But trust me, I am a trustworthy source of information.
4) “Election Year” takes more than one year
The true fallacy of an election year is that they have named it “Election Year”! In reality it probably takes 4 or maybe 6 years. Though (I am making a guess) candidates cannot officially campaign before election year, they all do. Unofficially. Prior to “Election year” notable and notorious potential candidates will strive to remain in the media. Some go so far as to get caught in sex scandals just for the press, but sadly America is not Italy so it rarely works. In years leading up to elections, politicians will be sure to release books and make speaking tours, though they only hint at whether or not they will run. Of course they will be seeking funds the whole time. The amassment of which will allow them to seek more power. The years leading up are almost worse because of the facade everyone can see through. For example: Sarah Palin, who has not stopped campaigning since 2007. Of course you do have the actual election year. Which is fucking awful.
But after the men are elected, doesn’t it all get quiet? Yes, for about 4 minutes. And then the speculation begins. The side that lost the election will be bound and determined to make the side in office look terrible. The ones who won publicizing their great work. This continues until the Congressional election and the whole thing begins again…
3) It makes you feel stupid
I am sure a man exists who knows the best way the world should be run. That man would probably get his ass kicked a lot. He would learn to stop talking so the frequency of beatings would flag. No matter how smart you are, or even how wise, there is not much hope of coming to a very clear understanding about the world of politics. There are simply too many factors. Even the smartest people in the world are almost constantly making the wrong decisions in the world of government. Think about that from the point of view of the average person. It is mind boggling when you try and make a choice between two candidates. It is a mind numbing whirl of acronyms and statistics, not to mention constitutional law and science bullshit. All I can say is that after I watch the circus, I feel my (abounding) ignorance is growing by the day. It is difficult to process all the frivolous information, let alone the important stuff. Human beings are limited organisms, elections are more than we can handle.

Hat's off to you America!
2) Celebrity Endorsements
I would rather be groped by a group of menopausal chimps than subjected to the political opinions of any celebrity less insane than Ted Nugent. At least “The Nuge “ is entertainment incarnate. Of course in my country, we love our celebs. So much so that we export even our reality show celebrity mills are sent overseas (to make us look even more ridiculous?). During 2012 I am expecting a banner year. Rest assured that Oprah will find her way out of retirement to wax philosophical with Ashton Kutcher, Billy Bob Thornton and Heidi Montague. The cast of characters employed to stand on stages and on beaches revealing their bloaty beach body’s (when they are in need of a career boost) will suddenly leap from our TV sets and assault our brains with their political savvy. Also, Toby Keith is sure to do something ultra-“American” which will increase his record sales and his chance for becoming governor of Oklahoma. Of course we cannot forget the forgettable campaign songs that pollute the auditory landscape. Michelle Bachman-Turner-Overdrive, lookout for some really horrific things being spoken, sung, and broadcast during 2012!
1)In America we like having only two choices
It makes no sense to me that our country has been essentially run by two groups for at least the past 100 years or so. Two. Two choices, obviously they are the best two possible choices in our country, but seriously two? In theory we have “infinite” political party’s, but the truth is two. Two. The best two choices. Of course ONE of those two choices is completely fucked! Evil! Hell bent on destruction of the human race! A bunch of morons! Evil! Two choices! One of them comprised of murderers and evil bastards! There are two choices, one of them right, noble and A M E R I C A N. And one of them the worst people in the world. The choice is obvious. Will you make the right choice?

Saturday, October 8, 2011

It's cuddle time!

This isn't even my soft side! I am THAT loveable!
Cuddling? - m4w - 26 (Bloomingdale Area)

I'm 26 years old, single, 6'0", 195 lbs, and am a world renowned cuddler who is offering his expertise to one lucky woman.

I am just looking for somebody to share a bed with - nothing sexual, just two bodies for cuddling. I have a big bed I'm hoping to share and would love to hear back from somebody. It would obviously be nice if it was with a person I got along with or enjoyed talking to, so write a little about yourself in your response. Hope to hear back...
It seems almost like blasphemy to even question this post, but though I know it is true, it left me wondering a few things. Firstly, what does it take to become a “world renowned cuddler”? Is there some sort of organization in charge of cuddling rankings and expertise measurement? Did he study cuddling or was he born with a gift? Is cuddling the same as snuggling (I am clearly showing my own naiveté with this remark)? Will this cuddling expertise, when passed on, qualify the above mentioned “lucky woman” as a “world renowned cuddler”? If so, will you instruct her to “pay it forward” and create her own Craigslist post? It would be a boon to all if he did.
Now it seems natural for a cuddler to want to do so in bed, but with the renown this individual has, is he able to cuddle on couches? Verandas? In the tall grass? In a canoe? Because I don’t think he should limit himself. I am also curious as to the possibility of group cuddles, can he do it? Is it even possible? Because that could change the world!
Lastly, I am heartened to know that he would consider cuddling with someone that he did not get along with, or even like talking to. I know he would prefer the opposite, but he leaves the possibility open for a nice hate filled cuddle session. This man is truly a master of his trade. Please take some time to reply to him, you will learn so much!

Friday, October 7, 2011

10 Harmonica Greats who make Bob Dylan look like a clown (part 1 of 10)

As you may have noticed, I have been absent from the online these days. It is because I m in Australia taming kangaroos with boomerangs and drinking copious Fosters. I have also been working on finishing the first draft of my book and playing music for the first time in what seems like two years. It got me thinking about one of my main obsessions which is exposing the element of fraud behind Bob Dylan's harmonica playing (he claimed that Little Walter taught him how to play). So in order to combat my natural laziness as well as get back at Robert Zimmerman for his blatant lies. So for the next 10 updates I will focus on one of 10 legendary harmonica players. Not to be included on this list is Neil Young, though he is still worlds better than Dylan.
He is throwing his clown nose to the screaming crowd!
10) Greg "Fingers" Taylor. The long time harmonica player in Jimmy Buffett's Coral Reefer Band, Fingers was born to play the harp. Interestingly, he got the nickname Fingers from a band he was in as a keyboard player, not the fast and furious fluttering he did while creating the scintillating vibrato that was just one element of his soulful playing. Always wanting to be a musician, he was enrolled in University of Southern Mississippi until the day the draft for the Vietnam war was ended. When it was announced that the draft was over he threw his books on the lawn of the school and promptly joined a band. Fingers is still rocking to this day as seen in the following video:

And at some time in the 80's on a slow jam here:

And in his heyday as a Coral Reefer here:

Here is Fingers personal favorite song from the Buffett days (by Keith Sykes):

And in closing with some blues:

Or perhaps, it is a blues song in the making. Hope you enjoyed the music. If not, check with your doctor to see if you have pulse. Barnes.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Learning about Australia: The Footy Championships!

Footy, sport of the ruling class!

Being new to Australia I have been working hard trying to learn about the place so I don’t seem like a complete buffoon. As difficult as that task may seem to most of you, I have succeeded surprisingly well. The main reason for my success is due to the fact that I have hardly spoken to anyone in the past week or so. Communication for me has regressed back to a series of nods and grunts (as opposed to nods, grunts and hand signals). Aside from my few sojourns to the local nudie beach, I have limited myself to hanging about the house, tidying up the place and solitary walks along the bluffs and through wine country. This has been nice, but it has taught me little about the culture. So today I have dedicated myself to watching the “Footy Finals” otherwise known as the AFL Premiers Cup, or Aussie rules football championships. Here is what I have learned:
A)     No matter how much scorn the majority of Australians hold for Adelaide, the weather is better here today than it is in Melbourne. Sure that may not matter to you, but it would if you were at the Footy Finals. This is because the big news of the day was whether or not rock star Meatloaf, or “Loaf” would cancel his pregame concert. All I can say is that if the game were in Adelaide, the weather would have been fine. Despite some wind, the sun is shining here at nudie beach.

B)      Meatloaf is the biggest selling foreign artist in Australia. I was very surprised to see that anyone cared about his appearance, but clearly people were worried. The only parallel I can think of is the uncanny popularity of The Carpenters among Japanese college students. When I visited Japan in 2005 I was very surprised that all my friends were sing Carpenters songs at karaoke. It was amazing. They knew most of their hits, and probably some of their B sides. It was a strange phenomenon. I doubt that most Americans in their 20’s have even heard of The Carpenters, let alone knew their songs by heart. I have to assume it is the same with “Loaf” here down under. This fact has been mentally noted.

C)      Meatloaf did NOT cancel. As they say, “Loaf” must have “hardened the f__k up!” because after being escorted to the stage by half a dozen Harley riders, Loaf proceeded to show the world why the world has forgotten about him. His “performance” consisted of a quick 7 songs, two of which I had heard previously. As with many aging rockers, “Loaf” was supported by a much more talented backing band, the “backup singer” being the actual lead singer. He strutted about the stage as much as a man who is aptly named Meatloaf can, and his singing was best when he was pausing to breathe. The most pathetic aspect of the show was when he tried for “audience participation” one of the saddest tropes in rock and roll. The highlight of the show was that “Loaf’s” microphone was turned down so low he was difficult to hear.

D)     The shorts. Yes, I am “not a gay” though I have many gay-centric tendencies. One of the last things I bought in the US was a vintage copy of Jane Austen’s “Persuasion” and I got it for a bargain. Being comfortable with my “heterosexuality” I simply do not see the problem in admiring world cl-ass ass-thletes in some tight, sensual, revealing, shorts.

E)      The Australian national anthem mentions: gold, soil, and history’s pages. It does not mention ‘roos, dingo’s, or Vegemite. I never would have guessed. It is also fairly short.

F)      Game on. Now I need to try and figure out how the game works. A guy just kicked a field goal for the Geelong Cats. Meow. And the game is underway. It seems that this game is a combo of soccer, volleyball, and field goal kicking. There are no cheerleaders. One complaint I have is that the Collingwood Magpies (“pies”) are wearing uniforms with black and white vertical stripes, which makes them look like referees. This is quite confusing. As are all aspects of play.

G)     Resting. I find that watching the footy finals is a great opportunity to rest. I closed my eyes while concentrating on the rules of Aussie rules, and when I was done meditating, the score was 45 to 35, Pies.

H)     Injuries. A Cats player got his shoulder dislocated. The medical team was attempting to put the shoulder back in while he was on the field to save time so he could get back into the game. They ended up having to get him “stretchered” off the field, losing 20 minutes. He will get his shoulder relocated, inject painkillers, and send him back in. Either footy players are incredibly tough, or astoundingly stupid.

I)        Halftime. After the pregame performance from “Loaf” the viewer is left with little or no information about the halftime entertainment. I am personally hoping for a kangaroo rodeo.  So far they are playing Link Wray's "Rumble" at a high volume and showing people talking about sports. Not bad. Also footy locker rooms have no benches and the players sit on the floor. It seems that they will be having a sprinting race which is a “time honored tradition”! Patrick Dangerfield of the Adelaide Crows just won!!! $5,000!

J)       Bikie wars. Is it sad that I find myself much more interested in a news story about the possibility of bikie (bike gang) wars? It seems a gang member’s son was killed by rivals, revenge is probably in the works. I can’t help thinking that the word “bikie” sounds hilariously cute. This of course is not to be confused with “bikkie” which is a cookie, or a savory cracker. I cannot remember.

I have decided to watch the second half with the volume off playing guitar. If I learn anymore about footie, I will include it in my next entry. Cheers!
Note: In the end Geelong won. It changed my life.