Monday, January 31, 2011

A brief note about the internet and stuff...

Hi there! Now that I have given you the nerdiest greeting ever, I want to show you something truly weird. I am sure many of you can remember how the internet providers used to mail you CD-Roms that gave you "free AOL minutes" etc. Well somewhere in Reno a guy actually posted a Craigslist ad trying to give away 20 of those bad boys. I thought it was ridiculous enough to pass on:

~20 Old Commercial CD's (Reno) Date: 2011-01-25, 11:31AM PST20 new unopened Cd's

Like AOL, earthlink etc.

Remember when you used to get these in the mail?

~5 in plastic jewel cases, most in cardboard mailers.

One is a mini, small diameter cd

I find it particularly amusing that he says they are both "new" and "unopened." Clearly one could argue the point that they are in fact not new at all, but essentially the whole thing is redundant. AOL? Earthlink? Do they even exist anywhere? Am I going to receive hate mail from the Bible Belt extolling the virtues of AOL? Honestly I don't know. I do know that I have an uncle who is fairly arcane, and still has an AOL e-mail address (here's to you A.D.!). Other than that I thought it had drifted away. In closing I want to tell a short story.
When I lived in Burien WA I had a blessed life. A nice front porch, a roommate who owned the house and was rarely home. Cool neighbors. A nice bar three blocks away. Aaah. Well one evening I had the chance to meet a neighbor I hadn't met before. She was in her late 30's and worked for a beer distributor or something. I told her I was moving to Forks on account of the whole Twilight thing. She thought it was interesting. She write down her e-mail which ended up floating around my truck for months. It was does this blow anyones mind? Yes, there are more than one crazy cat lady at! I don't even know one person on comcast e-mail. Not that I am high tech, rather I am more like a caveman.  Well the story gets funnier. One day I woke up and looked out the window to see her walking a large dog. Buzzsaw signing off.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

It seems like it has been too long

I have been longing to get back on craigslist to find some killer posts, but I sort of let my love fade for a couple months. Of course I look every once in awhile, but fail to hit paydirt or give up too soon. Tonight however, in an attempt to do some easy work, I got on the San Francisco page. After living in Santa Cruz for a couple years I got to experience the weirdness of the bay area first hand. I found a few gems, but the one I want to feature is actually an LA promo ad. I am having trouble figuring out what it is that they are looking for. Please read, let the beauty of this posting wash over you. Inhale the bouquet. Slowly, exhale. Close your eyes and imagine the scenario described in the post. THIS COULD BE YOU!

Looking for Hot Music Artists

Date: 2011-01-24, 11:03AM PST
On February 19, 2011 All-N-One-Enterprise will be hosting one of the biggest events during the NBA All-Star weekend, “The Phressh Buzz All-Star Magazine Release Party.” Headlining the event is Def Jam’s newcomer, Mann, performing his hit “Buzzin” ft. 50 Cent and The Stallionaires (Real & Chance from VH1’s Real Chance of Love.) If you’re an independent artist or label, this is where you want to be All-Star Saturday.

• Imagine an event that’s designed to cater to you, the independent artist.
• Imagine walking on a red carpet where the media is breaking their necks to catch a picture of you.
• Imagine stepping into an event and seeing your brand and music being promoted on the big screen all night.
• Imagine an event where you have your own VIP table and your poppin’ bottles with the sexiest women from around the world.
• Imagine an event where professional athletes and celebrities are in attendance, but you’re the STAR TO SEE!
• Imagine an event where the Who’s Who of the music industry are there to network with the hottest independent talent to take them to the next level.
• Imagine an event where you can get the respect you deserve from the CEO of The Phressh Buzz Magazine.
• Imagine watching people flipping through the pages of the phresshest hip-hop magazine and knowing that they’re reading an article about YOU!

NOW STOP IMAGINING AND START BEING THE ARTIST YOU CLAIM TO BE IN YOUR MUSIC. Make Los Angeles your city February 19th. Hit The Phressh Buzz now to find out how you can get an interview and ad in our Special Edition Issue!!
Now that you have read this masterpiece, I would like to make a few observations. I realized just as I posted it that they are actually trying to sell advertising space. I am sure they will do a couple of interviews, but mainly they are selling ads. I was able to find "The Phressh Buzz" online fairly easily. I was expecting the site to be a nightmare of flash animation booty pictures (well sort of a nightmare). Instead I was greeted very slowly by a page that was full of embedded video players. I clicked on the link to "Phressh Girls" and my web browser locked up. You will have to take my word for it, or find it yourself, I am not posting a link.

Moving right along! The heart and soul of this post is the what ifs. What if I were walking a red carpet with the media literally "breaking their necks to catch a picture!" OF ME? OMG! Someone would break their neck to catch a picture of me! It appeals to the ego, no matter how much you lie and pretend that it doesn't. The scenario gets better though!

I have never even tried imagining my own VIP table before! Its actually pretty intense when you think about it. The funny thing is that a VIP table is something you bring a couple close friends to. Not me. I think I want those poppin' bottles and beautiful women from around the world all to myself! Ha! I am having a great time just writing this! In fact I think I am going to make this one of my goals for 2011. The only goal. What are your goals for 2010?

Note: Since the writing of this piece the author has made further goals. The first would be to meet some "Phressh girls." Any girls for that matter. Another goal is to NEVER miss an opportunity to point out exactly how dreadful it is to spell the word "Fresh" P-H-R-E-S-S-H. It was a neat way to do it back when people started saying "phat" and in fact the author loves to spell phonetically. He is trying to love the added "s" but it is too much. The author hates. The author must look and look away just to write. They author doesn't even if he could type the word phressh again. Goodnight.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

The Dating Game/Valentines Day

In America we can tell what time of year it is to some degree by the holiday trinkets being hawked by the grocery stores. If you see Christmas items you will know that it is at least August. By September you will see Halloween and Thanksgiving items. By early January cheap red plastic hearts, bad tasting heart shaped candy, and rose sales will remind you of the most pathetic of all holidays, Valentines day.

I am sure that I will take some heat for airing my opinion on the "holiday for lovers." Go ahead, complain, it only encourages me. My reasons for disliking Valentines day are seeming never ending. Essentially this is a fabricated holiday which preys on emotions and gives the illusion that one day of love will make up for an entire year of faded love. Not so. If feelings of guilt can spur "loving" actions, I don't think there is much love involved in the equation. Valentines day. The holiday for the unromantic. The holiday for greeting card companies to sell any kind of crap with a red heart on it.

One of the least romantic aspects of this pathetic holiday is the obligation. Don't forget. or you will be in trouble! Trouble? If I love someone I am not going to sit around waiting for Valentines day to express it. I would hope that my partner would not be holding a check list and rewarding me with "love" like a golden retriever. My personal opinion is that love is a special thing and should not be dictated by any outside forces. Such as See's candy.

The idea that Valentines day is somehow special is particularly laughable to me. How is running around doing what everyone else is doing special. It seems more special not to celebrate. Buying a greeting card with a trite message of love is not special. Do you realize that the people who write those messages are laughing about them? If it were me I would make them lame on purpose just to see if anyone would buy them. Do you think it's special to go to a crowded restaurant and wait for hours to get food. A lot of special people think it's special. Sounds dumb to me. Personally if I had a special someone I would take her out to an empty restaurant on February 15th. It is always nice to have a quiet dinner in a romantic setting. I would prefer not to be sitting next to the couple who actually hates each other and is celebrating the fact that the will be setting aside their differences for their once a year sex night.

Profess your love to me with cheap trinkets made by Chinese children! Share your heart with those disgusting heart shaped candies that say "Be Mine." Not this guy. I think it is well within anyone's power to make something unique and beautiful. That is why I studied jewelry making in college. Buying jewelry is insane. It probably has the highest mark-up of any available product. A diamond for Valentines day! That would be SO special!

Do you realize that diamonds are so common that they can be slurped from the slimy depths of the ocean floor by ships equipped with industrial Eureka vacuums? It's true. It's also true that diamonds are only valuable as tooling. As an abrasive a diamond is wonderful. As a gemstone the only value it has is projected.

Would you get drunk and go buy a car? No? Ah, I thought not. That's what you are doing when you buy jewelry for Valentines day. Not true you say. Do you really think that endorphins aren't affecting your buying choices? I hate to break it to you, but they are. Essentially you are taking powerful drugs and going out to spend money. Not the wisest choice you could be making. I would suggest taking your meanest most cynical friend along to properly burst your bubble. It might keep things a bit more down to earth.

By now I am sure that the reader must view me as cold hearted and cruel. If not, I hope you will after reading how I celebrate Valentines day.

I will not even enter a relationship between November and Valentines day. Reasons for this should be obvious. To begin with chances are the relationship might not make it past the three month mark. The last thing I want is to be obligated to buy a Christmas present for some girl I just started dating. Worse yet, I might need several months to really convince her that I actually do not celebrate Valentines day. It would be a tragedy if I got into a relationship, knew it was too close to Valentines day to get out of it, celebrated it once, then had to let her know that it would never happen again. Too tough. So ladies, look for me February 15th. It could be your lucky day.

PS-I would probably sell out and make a half hearted attempt to celebrate Valentines day in exchange for sex.

Note: I realize that in my haste St Valentine was sadly forgotten. I have no idea who he is. From what I gather he was neat. Huzzah! Another fact which I happened to omit was my dislike for the colors red and pink. Blue and green are my favorite colors.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

More BS qustions, answers are all true!

Since I have other more important work to do I have decided to dedicate myself to answering my reader’s questions. Here goes round two:
1)      Where were you in Baton Rouge when the black man said that Keith Urban “ain’t country!”? Bobbi McGee, Nashville TN
Dear Bobbi McGee, I was sitting at the breakfast nook at the Days Inn. I think it was days in, it could have been La Quinta. Either way it was very close to Perkins Rowe on the east side of the highway. There are a Mexican restaurant with a bunch of crazy metal sculptures and a gas station in the same parking lot. The fact of the matter is, he said it, and it is true. Though he may be talented, the very fact that his last name is URBAN says a lot! The truth is that there has not been a country song on the radio for years. Hell, people call Taylor Swift country but I have heard her and never noticed! Mainstream music will always leave you wanting truth. Though I think I might move to Nashville and start writing hits. I have always enjoyed using formulas.  I hope that answered your question Bobbi! Love IDB
2)      Hi there! When will you be coming to Canada so I can get a picture with you and you can jam? The Lovely One.
Dear TLO, at this point I am not quite sure. If you buy me a plane ticket I will be there quite soon. I am always up for adventure. If you live in Vancouver BC I might see you in late February when the Twilight cast arrives in town to finish making Breaking Wind. Aside from these two scenarios, as I mentioned before, if/when I ever get tied in with a proper tour and promotions I want to tour without stopping. So here are your options: Buy me a ticket. Buy you a ticket. Promote my work to others in hopes that my career takes off and I am not so damn broke! Thanks, Ian
3)      Dear Ian, Does Sequim WA have the best high school football games or what? Ashley in Sequim
Dear Ashley, Sequim High has a dominant team with awesome fan support. When I went to high school not only did our team stink, but I had the worst school spirit imaginable. When I went to your home game it was really fun to see all the wild fans go crazy as the team routed the opponents! I had so much fun that I am bummed that I only got to see two games this year. I was able to visit my high school and watch the homecoming game though, we won (surprisingly), and I got Twidentified by the opposing teams fans! It was fun, but Sequim is WAY more fun! So for those who are out of the loop, Sequim High School football rocks! Ian Barnes
4)      Are you ready for some football? Caleb KB, Portland OR
Dear Caleb, yes. IDB
5)      How many of your Twilight friends are single mothers? I have a feeling Twilight is huge with moms! Caleb KB, Portland OR
How right you are Mr. KB, how right you are! I don’t have any statistics, but I do know that there are millions of Twimoms! In fact I am a member of the Middle Georgia Twimoms as well as The South East Texas Twimoms! If it wasn’t for what I call the “older and bolder” I would have starved to death last summer in Forks! The Twi-teens are great but they are often a little shy. It takes the twimoms sometimes to break the ice! I don’t know how many are single, there are too many to count, but I am sure there are plenty. The world of Twilight Saga fandom is vast and varied. It is NOT just teens! It’s not just twimoms either! That is the fun. You never know who is a secret Twi-hard! Buzzsaw PS-I am about to mail you some money!
6)      When will your book be in stores? Another Friend From Hawaii
Dear AFFH, first of all, the book has not even been finished in first draft form. I am not going to tell you when it will be available; I haven’t even finished it yet. The truth is it might never be available! I am determined to finish it, but I am not deluded about the fact that a lot of good books have been written and never published. That said I think it would be a fool of a publisher if they did not swoop it up. When I am done with the draft and we edit it down to 300 pages I am sure it will have a broad appeal. I think it will resonate with the American spirit. We are a culture who is obsessed with celebrity but at the same time sucking down “reality” shows like nobody’s business! I think my story is sort of a blend of both. It’s even better because I am doing all these things with little or no money, simply because I want to get the best stories. And I have them, let me tell you. If you want to see my book in stores please promote my work by sending links to TV shows and newspapers. Your testimony will go a long way. Thanks, Ian
7)      Hi. Would you rather have a fox’s tail, rabbit ears, eyebrows that wiggle like a caterpillar, or hear the word “fart” every time you farted? Cat in Woodinville
Dear Cat. Eyebrows like a caterpillar. The first two don’t seem as fun. As for the last one, I think farting noises are hilarious. I can always say the word fart if I want. Also there are situations which require silent farts. It can be very important. If the word “fart” came out instead of sound I would always be blamed when it was me. I like ambiguity. Barnes
8)      Would you like to come over and have a dip in the pool? Michelle from Australia
Dear Michelle, yes, I love swimming. I will be there next week and I will be visiting for a year. IDB
9)      What do you think of Ted Williams? T from Sea
Dear T from Sea, I think that Ted Williams was a great baseball player who was reputedly a jerk. This is all I know. I did a little research to make sure that is what you are talking about. I am guessing that your Ted Williams is the “homeless man with the golden voice.” As for him I have only seen advertisements on Facebook. I am sure he is a great singer, a lot of homeless people are. It seems to me to be a bit of a publicity stunt on Oprah’s part though. There are lots of very talented homeless people. If she wanted to help them out she could easily do so without attracting attention to herself. I also wonder why they keep talking about him being homeless. It almost seems like a gimmick. His voice should be able to carry it. That said we are in the country that promotes the underdog. It is the American dream of rags to riches. I hope that he is able to develop a sustainable career and really get popular. I am usually happy when others succeed. I hope that makes sense, Buzzsaw
10)   What is the longest relationship you have been in? What happened to make it end? Queen Victoria
Dear Queen Vic, you really want to know? Probably 3 months tops. That is with official relationships. I have had longer relationships, those that were friendships hoping to turn into something more, but never quite made it. One early relationship ended with attempted suicide (not mine). Another simply faded out. We never got to know each other. She was having trouble opening up, and I was very involved in music projects. I moved away. There have been three others where I really felt like I was in love. Those three women have all married friends of mine. So we are all better friends because of it. It has been painful at times, but in reality I am glad I am single. It would be tough to do what I do and maintain a relationship. I really hope that I can get this book published and make some money so I have an excuse for all the traveling I want to do. Since I would rather have no relationship than a bad one, I am quite content for now. Of course I have no idea what might lie in store d

Monday, January 17, 2011

Ten of todays questions answered truthfully!

Due to my overt sexiness/genius I get people asking me a lot of questions. I answer them because I am such an awesome person in general. Here is the latest batch:
1)      The Snoqualmie River was flooding this morning. Are you out of harm’s way over there? PJ in Seattle
Dear PJ, thanks for asking. I do indeed make my home near both the Snoqualmie and the Raging Rivers. Fear not though, my home is on a ridge overlooking the Snoqualmie valley. I appreciate your concern, not to worry. Just within the past 5 years I have escaped from the KGB (Briansk Russia, 2007), nearly been smashed by a runaway jeep in a welding shop (Seattle, 2008), ridden in the trunk of a car on a tow truck on the hottest day of summer (Snoqualmie Pass, 2006), and lived as the World’s Most Twidentified Man (2009-present). I don’t think a little bit of flooding is something to worry about! Buzzy
2)      What are your favorite movie, song, and band? Anon in Philly
Dear Anon, Movie-What about Bob? Song-I Shall Not Be Moved by Pops Staples, Band-The Band, Thanks for asking, IDB
3)      How was your day? Gabriella in Puerto Rico
Dear Gabriella, my day was lovely. I spent the waking hours with an old friend then whiled the rest of the day away being very unproductive. It was lovely. In fact other than 3 hours of work I did this Q&A is the only thing I have done. Pretty lazy huh? Barnes
4)      Dear Sir, will you poke me please? Wendy in Colorado
Dear Wendy, if I had ANY idea what you are talking about I would be glad to. Unfortunately I have NO IDEA what that means. Literally none! So if you would like to meet me for a bisquit and tea perhaps we could talk about it! BTW, in Australia they call them “bickies!” Sincerely, the genuine fake Edward
5)      How do you deal with getting “Twidentified”? Do you realize you are as good looking as he is? Masked and Anonymous
Dear M&A, in order to address this I must first explain that he of course is Robert Pattinson, star of the Twilight Saga. “Twidentified” means having someone say we look alike. OK, that’s out of the way, so first things first. Every twidentification is different. I never know how it is going to happen. It can be quick, it can involve cars pulling over. Sometimes all that has to happen is for a kid to burst into tears at the sight of me. The truth is it usually happens when least expected. Often it is a passive Twidentification, in these cases I sometimes find out days or months later, or I just have to guess. Honestly it is really stressful, that is why I wanted to write a book, at least I can try to communicate on some level what it is like to be me.
As for the second question. I have no idea if I am or not. It is a “normal” thing for me to hear that I am “better looking than the real guy too!” which believe me is very strange. In all honesty I don’t care. I would rather have people read my blog or listen to my music. There are plenty of good looking guys, I am blessed to be one of them (or so they say). Truthfully; though I may seem crazy, I am kind of shy. I prefer reading a good book to going out a lot of the times. I would rather be at a small gathering than a party. I enjoy performing because it makes it easier to meet people. I love to talk but hate approaching strangers. The point is, does it matter? Ian
6)      How long have you like applesauce? Colleen, OR
Dear Colleen, 42. IDB
7)      When do you plan on coming to Colorado and have a beer together? Cam in Colorado
Dear Cam, whenever I can afford to tour. I am currently broke, which is fine. I am writing a book and I can survive. If I am able to get the book published with proper promotion I am sure I will be able to do extensive touring to promote it. That is where I shine, so I would hope that it would come together. It will take the cooperation of my friends and family to help promote my stuff, I can’t do it alone, and quite frankly the book is as much for everyone else as it is for me. I hope that through me telling my story it will help people take risks and do things they feel are right, even when people call them crazy! Love Ian “Buzzsaw” Barnes
8)      Hey buddy the elf, did you ever get headshots taken? M in M
Dear M in M, I thank you for realizing that I am indeed an elf. As for your question, yes I have some good pics. Lovely, Ian
9)      What is one of your dearest treasure, something that would be heartbreaking to lose? Your friend from Hawaii
Dear friend, It would have to be my Yamaha solid top acoustic guitar Charlotte. I have several other instruments, some of which are worth more money, but you cannot replace a treasured friend. I got that guitar when I was 15, I was terrible, and put it away until I was almost 20, at which point I knew I needed to play it. It is not the easiest guitar to play, the strings are high off the neck, and I play thick strings which makes it worse. But it is a great sounding guitar. Not only that but I have written at least 200 songs on that guitar. I have covered the back with stickers, it has cracks and marks that I could tell long stories about. In 2005 I took it to Japan and played with Goodtime Charlie Nagatani, Japan’s most famous country singer. It was a journey of a lifetime, when I was leaving his club for the last time he signed it “Best of Luck” Charlie. On the shoulder strap I have collected a lot of items from my travels. A rock from Russia, a flower given to me by a gypsy girl, a tiny Korean drum key chain. That guitar has been my friend, through think and through thin. I nearly lost her before, I won’t lose her again. Love Ian
10)   Have you ever been in a Turkish prison? Bob from Turkey
Dear Bob. I have not but I would love to try it once for the experience. Do they still chop off hands in Turkey? If so can you recommend me a crime that will let me keep my hands while at the same time getting to experience a Turkish prison firsthand? Love always, your friend, Buzzsaw

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Verizon Vindication, part 1

I woke up this morning too cold to get out of bed and wake up my roommate. I knew I had to do it. I had promised to drive him to the store so we could enjoy a "welfare breakfast." The bitter cold and my unending laziness were deterrent enough. Yelling loudly I am sure I could have roused him. Of course I would not want to risk injury to my vocal chords simply to fulfil a promise. So, being resourceful, I reached for my Droid phone and called him. The first call ended in a sharp beep. So I called him again. All this without stirring from my boudoir. The second call ended with a female voice telling me that my call had been redirected to a Verizon Wireless payment department. I quickly hung up before they could trace my call! I have been meaning to write a scathing report about Verizon for many moons, and now seemed like a perfect opportunity.

There are many reasons why I should write this report. It seems like I have had problems with Verizon since day 1. Fortunately my sister and I are no longer in a family plan together. I fear she would have disowned me by now. In the "good old days" I mostly had problems with my phones. Technical sophistication is not something I am often accused of. That said you might find it odd that I have a Bachelor's Degree in "Applied Arts & Technology" which is essentially a BA in BS.

My real troubles with Verizon began in June 2010. I was working on my album, playing gigs, welding a deck railing, and planning out how to start a business. There was also the whole "going to California to attend major movie premiere" thing as well. During this time I lost my cell phone charger. During this time I was in serious need of a phone and I made a quick decision to upgrade to a "smart" phone.

Foolishly assuming I could do it easily I went to the Verizon store in Northgate mall and tried to upgrade. The man who "helped" me was simply flabbergasted. He could find no way for me to upgrade my phone without paying full price for the "smart" phone. This doubled or tripled the already steep cost of entry. I wheedled with him and even gave him puppy dog eyes. Still the blond buffoon could find no way to help me. If he would have been able to help me find a charger it would have been one thing, but he simply could not do anything I actually needed. So I left him, and as I did my already low opinion of Verizon sank.

The next stop on my odyssey was one of the only highlights of my adventures. Knowing that there was a Verizon store in Southcenter mall in Renton WA, I headed there. In a few short minutes my sales associate was able to get me a refurbished Droid and direct me to a battery shop where I could charge my old phone. Amazed my belief in Verizon and mankind skyrocketed!

When the phone arrived the next day I went back to pick it up. The sales associate offered to import my contact information so I could actually get in touch with my friends, but as she said it was easy I left. This is one of the gravest errors I have ever committed. It would haunt me for months.

I made a lame attempt at inputting my contact info, but the Verizon web page was highly confusing and most unmanageable. In order to even look at a phone number you had to wheel through the alphabet in your phone and it was seemingly impossible to create the "list" that I needed to copy into my gmail account. Due to the convenient location of the neighborhood bar, I gave up and went out for a drink. A toast to the journey. The phone could wait.

The next evening I left for Forks WA. We had a lot of gear that we needed to place in our shop and I did not want to do it on the way home. I arrived at midnight and loaded in. That night I slept in the shop. My business partner Lando arrived the next day and we got the keys to the trailer we regrettably rented. that evening we were on the road to California.

I knew that I could wait for my contacts to be entered, but I fully intended to go to the Verizon store in San Louis Obispo CA to have someone do it. Already having failed once, I had little interest in continuing to navigate the Verizon webpage. At a rate of $100 per month I felt strongly that it was not my job to do this mundane chore. In fact I have no interest in ever visiting the webpage of my cell provider, let alone "mastering" it!

We had driven through the night from Forks. Somewhere near Weed CA we rested a little bit. Being a road machine I forced the journey onward. In Redding we decided to take a short coffee break. While exiting I nearly entered back on to the freeway offramp at a blind turn. if I would have kept to my course we would have been involved in a head on collision about 7 seconds later. This near death experience awoke me sufficiently and we got back on the road after a short stop at a famous footbridge and archway. Lando was certainly not happy with me, but that is why I was the boss. Down came the whip and the soldiers marched on.

We made it to the bay area with little trouble traffic wise. This in itself is a feat. The miles down US 101 (yes I know I should have stayed on I-5, we were using a GPS though!) were hot and boring. Having lived in Steinbeck country in the lat 90's and early 2000's it will always be nostalgic. Nostalgia usually lasts around 20 minutes in a drive like this. This drive would end up lasting us another 6 hours in the hot central California sun.

Past the industrial areas of the east bay, down through silicone valley, into the farmlands near Gilroy, still we rolled along. Past the ghosts of cattle stations and lonely oil pumps. Through the desolate rolling hills we journeyed. Little did I care about my phone, if it rang I would not pick up. Still, it irked me, and I knew I must attempt some sort of solution that evening.

Outside San Louis I perked up. The ocean was near. The cooler breeze and bigger hills indicated an ending. I easily made my way to my uncles house and we parked Vino (we took Lando's burgundy Chevy Tahoe) and went in.

My uncle was working to get ready for the music festival we were all going to attend so after a couple hours of rest Lando and I headed to San Louis to get my phone set up and attend the farmers market. As Lando had no idea how to drive in California (he was driving 55 in a 70 mph zone) I took the wheel. From this point on I did most of the California driving.

The Verizon store was fairly easy to find. I jumped out and told Lando to find some parking and meet me inside. Prepared for the fact that I might need a computer to complete the update I brought our brand new MacBook. Little did I know that there was NO INTERNET!

The store was partially full of customers, and it was surprisingly noisy with the sound of hammers and saws. I was given a number, and due to my incredible fatigue I sat at a desk. The first associate who was to "help" me was a tall young man from what I guessed to be east Africa. He blandly asked for my problem, than quickly ascertaining that he had no idea what to do, instructed me to call the customer service line! I was too tired to scream obscenities so I sat and took the phone. He, sensing an escape route quickly found another customer. I sat listening to the smooth jazz blaring from the receiver with one ear. With the other I listened to this man TAKING CARE OF A CUSTOMER! The sound of hammers and saws marked the time.

By this point I was so tired that my skin was sensitive to touch. The kind of feeling where if something touches you it is actually a dull tingling sensation which is transmitted to the "fury neurons" of the brain, resulting in wrath which makes The Incredible Hulk seem harmless as a baby kitten. I was muttering obscenities by this point. My sales associate was on his second customer since pawning me off on the "help" line. Incensed, I set the phone down and walked boldly to the desk.

When asked how I could be helped I explained my situation, glossing over the "helpline" and telling the man I needed my contacts list updated. I was so tired and hungry that I have a hard time recollecting what this man told me. Meanwhile Verizon workers were carrying boards and saws through the salesroom. We tried to offer use of our laptop so he could get on the website, but unfortunately he said that there WAS NO INTERNET! I asked about the many computers that Verizon sells, but for some reason his hands were tied. Frustrated I gave up and we headed out into the California sun to enjoy the evening.

The San Louis farmers market takes place each week of the summer and fall. It is a gathering of food and music. We were also impressed by the college coeds who festooned the street. I felt I could last without a phone. If need be I could just start all over and go with new numbers. Life was OK, I had tried to accomplish something. Then we saw a sight which made us both stop in our tracks!

Ahead of us walked a pretty blond. She was holding a sign which said "Watch The NBA Playoffs at San Louis Verizon 7 PM." Dumbfounded we checked our watches. It was 7:15! This meant that whomever was unfortunate to follow these directions must indeed be in the room with all the hammering. Possibly, that is why the staff was so unhelpful. Or perhaps Verizon is run by idiots! You decided....

Note: This was written in the Bellevue Square Nordstroms while I was waiting for my phone service to be turned back on. It is shockingly loud and expensive. Unlike Starbucks however, the internet is free! I may in fact start making this my new hangout. The chairs are most comfortable!

Monday, January 3, 2011

2011 goals etc

Sorry I have been so uninvolved with the BS Report over the past month. It has a busy season of work during which I was actually able to get a lot done. My excuse for the lack of BS is that I wanted to finish the projects at hand. Also I was able to spew a quite effective pile of BS since I started writing it in September. Thus I don't think many people have actually read all of it. I am wanting to let them catch up. A kindly soul am I!

Projects that I am really interested in are as follows: "Devil in The Tin Shop" My album which was started May 23rd and finished December 23rd. We spent about 5 total days on it, but a production which is that drawn out can weigh heavy on the shoulders of the one trying to finish. An unfinished project is hard to envision completed from outside sources. Even though I have many hundreds of good ideas I want to work on, in reality I can only focus on a few. To finish the recording process is very freeing. I anticipate playing more shows locally now that I have an album with which to book myself. Thank you to all who have listened.

The book. Many of you know that I am working on a memoir of my adventures/misadventures as "The Worlds Most Twidentified Man" I finally started writing my first draft in the early part of December, and am proud to say that I am over 40 pages and moving like the proverbial tortoise. I prefer to make steady progress than to move in fits and starts, and possibly risk burnout. I have settled myself into a 2,000 word per day regimen and it is not too daunting. What really bothers me is that I have about 200 pages of notes that I still need to go over. I think creating draft two will not be without its problems.

Lastly, getting some videos shot. I feel like a bit of a fool since I own a very nice video camera and have still barely used it. The funny thing is that my youtube channel is getting new subscribers all the time. It is regrettable that I have been so slow to get new videos made. I hope that this winter I will be able to post new videos more frequently. I am sorry this blog is so boring, I just wanted to update you about my progress. Sincerely, Ian "Buzzsaw" Barnes