Wednesday, October 31, 2012

10 (or so) reasons my lesbian frieind should take me to a Hollywood Premiere instead of her partner

I apologize for all formatting issues in advance. My intention was to finish with a few pictures of men who look like old lesbians but they insisted on going at the beginning and I lack the energy to move them now. Also BEFORE YOU READ ON THE INTENTION OF THE PIECE IS TO BE SLIGHTLY SELF- DEPRECATING AND FUNNY! IF YOU GET OFFENDED ITS PROBABLY YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT! BUT I STILL WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND! ALSO THERE IS A LOT OF CUSSING IN THIS DAMN BASTARD RIGHT HERE! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!!!!!!!!

I INVENTED Lilith Fair!
I'm so butch I have TWO Subaru's!
Without me there is no KD Lang!

I am sitting in the kitchen of a partially renovated 1920's two storey, wood framed house in Woodland Washington. I hadn't planned to be here. Just one month ago I was boarding a flight on Singapore Airlines from Sydney Australia to Singapore, Singapore (I guess that's what you would say). It would take me almost forty hours before I landed in San Francisco to find that the guitar case that has traveled around the world three times with me had finally met it's end, somewhere over the Pacific. It didn't matter because I didn't lost the toy train my friend The Coach gave me. And he also gave me the nickname “Buzzsaw” which I can never lose. By the way, no one calls me that. I only use it because The Coach is, in his own words “a fuckin' folk hero in Redmond.”

Well back to the project at hand. What I set out to do today was to convince a lesbian friend of mine to take me to a Hollywood Premiere instead of her partner. It may seem counter intuitive, seeing as how I am a straight male, but as I am a master of making shit up, I believe I can make a fair case.


Hi everyone, Buzzsaw here! Just so you know, I recently spent a year in Australia, and that shit changes a person. Specifically, in the CUSSING DEPARTMENT!!!! In Australia, the people I knew used filthy, filthy language. As I was already a Huge Fan of THE CUSSING DEPARTMENT I picked it up right out of the gate. So, in the course of this argument, if (when) I use the words: Fuck, Motherfucker, Bitch-ass, Fuckin' Lezzo, Motherfuckin' shit, and cunt, remember, they must be said using an Australian accent, at which point they become somewhat less offensive (if you are MORALLY BANKRUPT like me!). Also, if you hadn't figured it out, lezzo means lesbian in Australian. I will make extensive use of the term from here on out. So without further ado; 10 reasons my lesbian friend should take me to a Hollywood Premiere instead of her partner:

[Note: I took a break from writing to tear out the bathroom floor. Then I went outside to look at the property in the light. It blew my mind that within a 75 meter radius from this house there are at least 10 different species of tree. Maple, alder, spruce, pine, fir, birch and willow (plus a bunch I don't care about). Anyway, nice to be home and see the old familiar trees and mountains.]

10: The Indigo Girls

First of all, from what I know of The Indigo Girls' music, I mostly hate it. The only real experience I have had with it has been on Adult Contemporary Radio formatting and in a couple of terrible jam sessions in California. Not that all of the jam sessions were terrible, but the times when we were all jamming on Indigo Girls hits was indeed the stuff deep wounds to the soul are made of. The thing about jam sessions while camping is that everyone who wants to sing gets a turn. When the third fucking Indigo Girls song comes up, walk away slowly and find a better jam.

I am certain at this point my reader is wondering how, if I don't like the Indigo Girls at in any way, I am going to convince a lesbian that she should do me a favor. What my reader doesn't know is that I have friends. Indeed I have two friends in particular who once paddled a canoe from the Ballard Locks to Pier 70, the waterfront in downtown Seattle. On this particular evening, the Indigo Girls were getting ready to play for a rabid crowd of lezzo's (and whoever the fuck else listens to the damn Indigo Girls). Unfortunately for the multi-dog owner and mullet crowd, part of the stage set decided to escape the bullshit music and got blown into the water. This is where my friend comes in and where I turn the tables on you.

Seeing that a couple of dudes just happened to be paddling around by the foam dog (or whatever the hell it was) the stage manger asked if the could retrieve it. Naturally, not wanting to suffer the wrath of the Indigo Heads they paddled over and got it, essentially saving the night. The crew was so happy that to express their gratitude they gave the canoe team entry into the exclusive back stage area! So, for the next 45 minutes they ate hummus (I assume) and “rocked out” to the soft and lilting, bullshit music of The Indigo Girls. That's right, I have friend's who not only saved the day for The Indigo Girls, but were deemed enough of a lezzo's that they were allowed to share the backstage hummus and organic pear cider (I assume) while watching soft rock glory from stage right. So there you go! Reason number 10! Very strong argument already! Convincing!

  1. Lavender Wedding
As you know if you actually read what I wrote at the top of the page (I bet there is some sort of fetish with reading lists from the bottom to top, or starting at 9) that I was in Australia for a little over a year recently. Without divulging too much personal information, I was in a relationship which didn't end up working out. The problem was that I sort of liked Australia and would have stayed if I could get a visa. Fortunately as a welder fabricator I fit into the requirements for a “skilled trade” work visa. Unfortunately I don't at all fit into the requirements of having almost $40,000 in cash. This left me with only one reasonable option. Marry a lesbian.

Now some of you might argue that there are actually more options than that. If you think that, you're dumb. Marrying an Australian lesbian is a perfect idea. What with pre-nuptial agreements it is almost risk free! Of course we would have to kiss at the wedding, but I have soft, pouty lips and am willing to disguise myself as a lesbian if it makes her more comfortable. In fact, I am willing to learn an Indigo Girls song to play at the service! I would even go so far as to live in a house with 6 or however many dogs she has! If she wanted I would be her designated driver whenever she wanted to go to “Lickerish” the new lesbian wine bar! I would be the best lavender married husband ever! So there it is, another score for the Buzzman! Any lezzo's reading this are definitely losing there resolve and feeling the need to take me to the HOLLYWOOD PREMIER!!!!

  1. Isadora Duncan
Yes I know what you are thinking. Isadora Duncan? That's more of a gay thing! Well sure, but can't we all get along? I mean, it's 2012 and gay weddings are on the ballot. We have to all be working together. If I am pulling some gay male shit out of my ass (intended ass joke) I think we need to look at that as identifying with all gay culture in general. It's like white rappers or something. But back to Isadora Duncan...

In 2003 I was at Central Washington University taking a jewelry and metal smithing course in the art department. The professor was a bad ass I always refer to in my mind as Gay Keith. He's gay. Anyhow, he was really the first gay person I had ever known, and to be honest, prior to that, I would say I was not really comfortable with gay people and probably a bit of a fucking bigot. Now of course when I actually got the chance to study under a master metal smith who happened to like man ass, I found that he was actually a human being, and not only that, sassy as hell! His lectures were funnier than shit, especially when he would drop lines like “Kevin Spacey is such a queer!” during class. On top of that he taught me more in two classes than I learned in two normal ones. Way more.

One day he was showing us how to use the buffing wheel and we were talking safety. He was going through how not to get your hair caught in the machine and dropped this line: “And don't where a scarf or you'll end up snapping your neck like Isadora Duncan!” At this point I cracked up, having read some on modern dance history but I realized I was the only one. I was the gayest person in the room besides Gay Keith, who obviously was gayer. That was one of the moments in life where time slows and the clouds part, and a beam of light hits you while Charleton Heston's voice says: “Faaaaaaaaaaag!”

It feels really good to be "with the gay's" sometimes.
  1. Gay Weddin's!
Yesterday I did what Puff Daddy and Beonce would want me to do. I voted. Of course the only reason I did was to A) not get my ass shot by Diddy and B) accelerate our impending doom via ANTI CHRIST because I think it would be fucking awesome if it actually happened. Also on the ballot were some bullshit I didn't understand, decriminalizing marijuana and gay marriage. Of course if I could have voted “fuck yes” on the weed one I would have, and not being retarded, I voted yes for gay marriage (if you didn't vote yes for the gays don't be offended, I just think you have your head up your ass!).

Assuredly there is going to be some reader who is thinking “hey you ass-hat, how can I be retarded for believing that marriage is between one man and one woman, and you are straight throwin' around the fuckin' 'tard word like it's not offensive at all!???”

To that I would say, because it was sort of meant to be a double sided joke in which I am letting you in on the fact that I am A) not perfect B) can be a bit of a bastard and C) just like the word “retard”!!!

In reality though, I am not in favor of gay marriage. What?????!!! How can this be????!!!!! Truth be told I am against marriage period. I don't give a fuck about yours or anybody else's marriage. You want to know what fucking sucks? Hearing people talk about their marriage, their mother in law, or any other bullshit related. I fucking hate weddings, except for the food, the last thing I want is more fucking weddings! For fuck sake, why don't we just get rid of the whole fucking institution! Personally I believe that if you are committed to someone else in a relationship built on however you define love, you don't need anybody else's fucking approval! Fuck that!

I grew up in a christian home and for almost my entire adult life have been actively involved in various churches while I tried to come to an understanding of the spiritual world through the lens of Christianity. During this time I have heard A LOT about marriage. In fact I have wanted to marry a few different women over the years. The point I am trying to get out is that for some reason people in the Christian community (and probably elsewhere; I am just going with personal experience) often believe that getting married is “showing commitment” and somehow that means you should marry. But in my personal opinion it seems that a couple who is committed to each other, and never gets married is in fact more committed. It's a hell of a lot easier (simply in the legal department) to end a relationship if you don't have to think about the ramifications of divorce. So reader, do what the hell you want to do, but just try to make your partner's life better. Fuck what anyone else thinks.

[Fast forward people! Get on board the train! I am now in Graham Washington in a house made of Lincoln logs! It seriously looks like a movie set here with the antlers on the wall and the wood stove for heat which I stoked not 7 minutes ago! Last Saturday I was in Portland recording my song Rhinestone Rosie with a Martin D-28 and a choir of angels. But the train moved on because my engineer Caleb had a tragedy in the family. His 92 year old grandma died. Which is hilarious because my 92 year old grandma died the week before! Ha! But mine wins because she was actually older. Anyway, let's get back to the action!]

6) IT'S 2010 DAMN IT!

Of course most discerning readers will know that it is actually 2012 or something. That is of little importance. What I am getting at is the fact that in 2010 I was gay bashed for the first time and with more alarming frequency than ever before. This of course happened when I owned the only Twilight PhotoBooth in Forks WA. Now of course the rednecks who would yell things like “FAGGOT!” and FUCKING FAGGOT!” out the windows of their trucks were by far the minority in the town. It's actually a really great place (because of the people, not because of the ugly ass architecture and lack of quaint, tree lined streets I associate with small town America).

Now mind you, in my high school days I was a real dick who would have probably done the same thing if a damn look-alike showed up with some sweet ass moves! What I really learned from the whole thing is that gay people get treated like shit for no reason at all! What the fuck is that about?!!! For fucks sake people it's 2010 people don't you think its a bit strange to still be gay bashing?! What the fuck is the next move, threshing wheat or some shit? Maybe we should all get bicycles with a big front wheel and watch some fucking black-face comedy too!

As far as I'm concerned the most offensive part about the whole thing (except how actual gay people get treated sometimes) was the lack of creativity! The whole summer all I ever heard was “queer” “faggot” and “fucking gay ass Edward!” which was sort of depressing. I just wanted someone to call me a fucking cock nozzle or even a jizz hound! The best thing that ever happened was when three kids in a truck all flipped me off at the same time! They were so synchronized that it could have been in the damn Olympics! Funny thing is that I started laughing and I saw one of the kids crack a smile at that, which gives me hope! So that right there is a good reason to take me to a HollyWOOD PREMIERE!!!

5) Lesbian Helper

No, it's not an alternative lifestyle version of Hamburger Helper I'm talking about (though I am sure there is some sort of fetish online that actually is that). What I mean is that during the course of my adventures with “the whole Twilight thing” I have been helped out by innumerable LEZZO'S. Right out of the gate on an early scouting trip to La Push a lesbian couple brought me my guitar after I left it at their campsite (yes, drunkenly being a hobo again). All throughout the summer I kept running into really great lezzos who were nothing but kind. So I guess maybe they sensed my own inner Lezzo or something (because obviously gay people are only nice to other gay people right?).

Now I don't want to upset my lesbian friends lesbian partner by making her worry that I will be in “FULL SEDUCTION MODE” because that's not how I roll. The whole thing will be TOTALLY SEX FREE. I promise. Sort of. Actually fuck that. No promises.

4) Ellen Degeneres

Yep, that's right, I may be getting two tickets to The Ellen Show, so I figure I would reciprocate the kindness if I did get them. What kind of lezzo would my lesbian friend be if she did not want to go to Ellen? I mean shit, that's like a lesbian version of Graceland or something right? I personally think it's a pretty good trade!

In other news, I have tried to get on The Ellen Show and have also received an e-mail from them. Of course it's a stock fucking email but shit! An ACTUAL EMAIL FROM ELLEN! SORT OF! So yeah, take me to the damn event already!

3) Concert

Sorry to be serious, but I'll keep it short. If my friend takes me I will do a personal concert for her as well as regale her with crazy ass stories I am putting in the book. Since 2010 I have recorded and produced two full length albums of original songs, 13 long form podcasts, 60 short ones, a handfull ofvideos and almost a full book's worth of BS Reports. What I'm saying is that entertainment won't be a problem.

2) I REALLY NEED A FUCKING BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


So yes, we have already established the fact that all lesbians own lots of dogs, and I am here to say that I'll walk those pooches all over! I'm good as hell at walking and though I'm not a “Dog Man” myself, I'll bit that bullet. But back to the begging.

To be totally honest, I'm broke as hell and I need to get a publishing deal. Hell, If Fifty Shades of Gay got published, surely an insane story written by a guy who has made Robert Pattinsons dad do a double take should be publishable. In fact, it's easier to get published writing memoirs than doing anything else. I mean come on!

This was a damn close call, but the bastard never looked up!

Crazy Story Time!!!!!

It was May 2010 and I was just about to start my adventure and I ran into my old co-worker from OlssonManufacturing, Kris Kross. We decided that the best thing we could do would be to drink beer at the horseshoe pits at Green Lake in Seattle. So we did. While we were there a couple of dudes came up (one of whom was M.C. Hammer) and they were a bit drunk. As soon as I walked past M.C. Hammer twidentified the ever lovin' shit out of me! “Hey! Your that damn Twilight guy aren't you! I saw you on Ellen!” and so forth. I actually had a hard time convincing M.C. Hammer that I wasn't. Needless to say I drank a few beers with M.C. Hammer after that!

Of course a discerning reader would probably ask why I didn't stay in contact with M.C. Hammer after that. I mean he has to have a Twitter right? Well rest assured, I follow MC Hammer on Twitter and it's great! Not quite Mike Tyson great, but still really cool! The rub here is that the M.C. Hammer I met was a white guy named Michael Clark Hammer. He rolled up his damn sleeve and showed me a tattoo, so I think the story is legit. 2 Legit actually.


It's right there in the name. Les B IAN! Yeah! Put that in your collective pipes! Now every time a lesbian thinks about the word lesbian (which I imagine is probably all they think about, those people) my face will come floating through their thought bubbles! Probably actually this single reason is enough to warrant taking my broke ass to the HollyWOOODDDD PREMIEREEEE!!!!! Oh yeah, and it would also be funnier than fucking hell!

Dedicated to my friend Shelly. Love the Buzzard. The end.
Postscript: I have procrastinated the hell out of this, but I sure hope she fucking takes me. Plus, I consider myself “a good lay” if the shit hits the fan and she turns straight.

11) I am possibly part gay myself

Now I don't mean that in a “I kind of like man ass when I'm drunk” way, I like to think I'm sort of “progressive” though. What I'm getting at is this. Because I have never “really liked dick” I consider myself a flaming heterosexual. That said, there will always be a 15% “FUDGE FACTOR”! I mean, some people think you can turn gay, so I want to allow myself some “room to grow” or whatever the hell the kids are sayin'!

True Story:

Back in the day I was painting for a real son of a bitch. One day at the job site, I told the crew I was 90% straight and being painters, they freaked the fuck out! Which is one of the reasons I have sort of always been the weird guy on the construction sites, reading books and not having kids in my early 20's and shit! OK, so now I think I'm really done and I leave you with a few pictures of men who look like old lesbians. Because that's probably me some day. Love Barnes. The End.  


LAST REASON FINAL ANSWER: I have neglected to mention that Shelley is in fact going to be in my book if it gets published. So that right there is a good reason to take me. She and I will get famous together if she likes. NOW TAKE ME TO THE MOVIES! LOVE BAZZA