Monday, November 26, 2012

A great deal here (if you are a hot black male or female)!!!

Currently I am very much transient. In the past couple weeks I have been all over Washington, to Los Angeles (some people saw me on TV but not me) and now I'm in Portland. I'm working at Troubadour Studios with my friend Caleb Baker who has been recording a lot of really good bands. It is nice to be at the end of the project and watch it take shape, but that also lends itself to laziness. What I'm getting at is I've been doing a lot of beer drinking and yukkin' it up as well. So tonight I was going to continue by watching a movie on Netflix, but something tugged on my soul and a little voice said "Check out Craigslist New York City" and if there is one thing you should know about me, it's that I will most certainly listen to the voices in my head. Immediately after going to the page I was rewarded in full! The following is one of the first posts I found, enjoy!

Note: I left the email on there in case anyone wants to reply!

FREE ROOM AND BOARD 4 A SEXY BLK BROTHER OR SISTER - - m4mw (Harlem / Morningside)

Date: 2012-11-27, 12:41AM EST

FREE ROOM AND BOARD 4 A SEXY BLK BROTHER OR SISTER - m4mw - m4mw - w4mw - m4mw (Harlem / Morningside)
Date: 2012-10-06, 4:55PM EDT
Reply to: your anonymous craigslist address will appear here


Are you a good looking male actor or model or thug jock type who considers himself with excellent looks?

Do you work, but not quite enough to get your own place?

Are you prevented from moving to your own place because you saving up

If that's you, then LISTEN.

pass/fail gets you moved in.

You must be willing to share w/ clean str8 male. You must be clean, DD

No Drama, No kids here, No pets here, Privacy a must.
All you need to do is at times be able to clean the apartment in something sexy, and you must be OK with it

FEMALES need to wear a thong around the house or somethig sexy
Dude a Jock Strap or nothing IDK
No sex involved

Location- Prime Manhattan cozy two bedroom share full apartment close to

Dance Theater of Harlem. One block from C train and two blocks from 1

train. City College & Columbia University direct bus line. Close to GWB,

Bronx Yankee Stadium, West Side Hwy, Shopping malls, Pathmark Grocery

Store, Columbia Presbyterian Hospital, banking, quiet - elevated building.

Small yet cozy and mad convenient. Excellent Security.

Included 4 you-
Internet, Cable, Air Conditioning, Heat, Hot Water, Private full kitchen,

bathroom, shower, tub, small dining nook, electric.

Month-2-month only. No Insane peeps please. Be about expressing yourself

black and masculine only or black and sexy female

To get started reply to my e-mail and send a current pic and tell me your

situation and why this works for you. 

So, instead of even saying anything about this, how about I post a video to help you forget?

Did you forget now? Well sorry, I was just doing my damn job! Love Buzzard

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Minneapolis Craigslist Revisited!!

It only took about 5 minutes before I realized that I was making a huge mistake by not posting more of the madness which must be Minneapolis. Perhaps its all the damn lakes that makes people crazy? Well it only took about five minutes to get a lot more good stuff, of course I am continuing the policy of using their pictures and creating  captions for them. Here goes:

FREE Bikini shaving, waxing - m4w (St. Paul, Mpls.)

This is an unusual request. I would like to be your bikini trimming, shaving, specialist. I would like to do this professionally. I am looking to for a lady to help me hone my skills. I have some experience but need more practice. This would be very professional, very platonic, a draped and gloved session. It could be just a little trim or the enter area. It would be a relaxing experience, with hot towels , essential fragrances , lotions, oil, etc. Yes a production, all just to pamper you. I'm also interested in waxing if you are interested. I would come to you in the comfort and security of your own home or apartment. Email me if you are interested. Remember there is no charge, and I promise you a professional, safe, wonderful relaxing experience. 

Even this beautiful sunset will make you feel dirty after reading that!

 What the hell does it mean?
First of all, an amateur shaving specialist wants to come to your house. Second, he used the phrase "draped and gloved session"! Are you interested in "not getting raped"? If the answer is yes, please do not respond! Even if the idea of free pampering is hot to you, DO NOT RESPOND! I know it's hard, especially when he so badly needs someone to help "hone his skills"! DO NOT GIVE IN! BUT IF YOU DO, HE TOTALLY ACCEPTS TIPS. HE "TOLD" ME!

LatinoLook'n2chat - m4w - 28 (East Bethel, Mn)

Jus looking to chat with someone interesting... Dont care what the subject is about as long as its "strictly platonic"...and yes Iam real.....serious replies only....

Looking for some platonic three-way action ladies!

 What the hell does it mean?
 It certainly is simple on the surface, he's lookin'2chat rite? Yo, but on another level, I think he might actually not be real! This poor man is so psychologically damaged from the thing in his face that he went on Craigslist as a cry for help!

OMG This day is dragging - m4w - 27 (Eden Prairie)

I cannot be the only one who has to work a full day today. Maybe you have off but you are stuck with your family and are bored out of your mind? Help me!!! Send me a message, send me a picture of your dog, send me a picture of your kitty :-O lol Whatever, just help me pass the day please :)

What the hell does it mean?
Somewhere in Eden Prairie there is a young man hoping you will send him naked pictures of yourself.

Workout buddy maybe more - m4m - 50 (Hopkins/ SLP)

  Just joined LA Fitness in Hopkins. New in town from So Cal. Mid 50's and look younger. White, straight talking/lifestyle for the most part. Have some curiosity about possibly augmenting a platonic male friendship with a reciprocal mutual oral as a side benefit, but it's not a prerequisite. New Age, spiritual and non dogmatic background. Healthy living and honesty is important to me. 6.0 178lbs and losing. My goal is strength training while increasing stability. Interested in a friendship, but my romantic focus has always been with the ladies, because thats what makes me weak in the knees.

What the hell does it mean?
I'm gay. I want oral sex with a fit man. Also I'm gay. I can pass for straight if I'm in a group of blind people and I don't say anything, but I'm actually super gay. I'm sort of fat as well as totally gay. Females disgust me and  I just seriously want men.

Craigslist Leg/hose fetish ahead! Mineapolis!

Dear dear, sweet reader. As you may be aware, that I am hopelessly addicted to Craigslist strictly platonic ads. So much so that I have made it my business to search the nation high and low for the weirdest most kinkiest "platonic" postings! Today I made my way through our nations great information super highways to a place I have never been to, but because of Kirby Pucket, I am well aware of. Yes, today we go to Minneapolis, where only three posts in I found a true gem. Many times I will take multiple entries but this was a masterpiece on its own (and the guy had like 5 pictures so I am including it all, with my own commentary). Here is the original post, his pictures with my comments, and perhaps a translation if I feel the urge.

A Fashion/Clothing Question For Women......I'm Curious - m4w (Mendota Heights)

I have a question for all you women:

Do you wear hosiery? Why or why not?

By hosiery, I'm referring to stockings, thigh highs, or pantyhose and it would be the more sheer variety. Within the last decade, women have seemed to go more and more bare legged; not only in summer but year around. Why has hosiery gone out of style? It was the norm from the 50's through the 80's at least.

From a totally personal male viewpoint, legs look so much more polished, finished, and attractive with hosiery. Case in point: Have you seen recent pictures of Sarah Jessica Parker? She seems to be one of the leaders of the bare leg movement, and her feet look so old! Veins, wrinkles and such. Would she want her face to go bare too? I've included a photo of her. Look carefully at her feet to see what I mean.

Well, that's it, ladies. I'm very curious and would love to get the viewpoints of women on this topic of hoisery. I'm open to discussion.

Thanks for your time in advance

Yes, those legs go "all the way up"!

Honestly, I think this guy is a "leg man" but I can't tell for sure.

This picture was totally NOT taken from a Ukranian wife order site!




Obviously this guy is a complete perv with a stalking/stocking fetish. Most of these posts usually start with a question. What I like about this is at the heart I believe the guy is also trying to get more women in stockings which would be better for everyone. In fact, before this day I had no idea that a "bare legged movement" existed, and on top of that it has leaders! Stupid me, of course it does! Trust me it's a problem!

Well I believe my "work" here is done. Toodles, Buzzward

Monday, November 19, 2012

Everyone has a doppelganger.

In Johnny Cash's brilliant auto biography Cash, he says this: "They say that everyone has their own personal Elvis. Mine just happened to be the real Elvis." To be honest I don't know why I felt compelled to share that when I am talking about doppelgangers and picture takin' but you dear reader are smart enough to make some sort of connection.

They say that everyone has their doppelganger, and for me my doppelganger is everyone. I mean damn near everyone! Starting at the age of 12 with McCaully Culkin, continuing through with John Mayer and Jude Law in the university days (the Japanese students said "Jude Raw" which I think may be my porn alter ego if things go poorly). By then of course I sort of got used to hearing people tell me I looked like some celebrity or acted soooo much like their really weird friend (funny, I never meet any of the people I supposedly act like). But things started to take a turn for the strange in 2009 when a movie called Twilight was released on DVD. Judging from all the craziness, it seems that those other blokes were not actually my doppelganger. It was to quote Clel Henson, proprietor of the Lake Pleasant Service station "You look like this guy!" at which point he was indicating towards Robert Pattinsons face with his one gloved hand.

[Safety note: If you find yourself in Beaver WA, please, do not eat any of Clel's "hot food"! He wears his one rubber glove as if to keep you safe, but then he goes out and pumps gas with it and who knows what the hell else!]

I was going to add a picture of Rob Pattinson, but my readers probably are aware of what he looks like. And this beaver used to be right across from Clel's store.

Anyway, with this one it was different. Way different. First of all, from what I knew about it starting out the story of Twilight was completely uninteresting to me. But it was REALLY interesting to a lot of people! So I jumped in completely, because I figured it was huge enough, with a striking enough resemblance between us that I could make a book out of it if I was crazy enough. [Spoiler: I AM CRAZY ENOUGH!!!!!]

I did this for fun. Need more proof that I'm crazy enough?

Well to get back on track, there was a certain point when I realized that the product I had to sell, which nobody else had was pictures. So I somehow convinced a friend to go with me to Forks and start a proper photo booth to take care of all the tourists. Needless to say it was weird. There is something oddly unsettling about going to bed at night knowing that my only source of income would be generated by random people who were fans of some other dude, who happened to look like my twin (to some people). Just the kind of crazy I thrive in and which really messed me up with stress. But there were upsides.

It feels really good getting paid to take the cutest picture ever!
There were also downsides mainly because I am talented at many things, unfortunately running a business is not one of them. But I have to give myself a break, the whole thing was a mad house. I had all kinds of business proposals, from making Halloween masks with my face (the guy who owned the chainsaw store was keen to do that) to making Twilight themed fragrances.

I kid you not, it was pine scented and he wanted to call it "Wolf Dung"! His name was Norman.
This all got to be too much for old Buzzman, so I just freaked out and got on Facebook. Luckily it was perfect for my craziness and soon I met many friends. Some as far as Italy. Later that year by a sweet stroke of luck I ended up in Baton Rouge with my friend Brooke and her family. Brooke had taken the time to personally make me shirts and burn a CD, Rock & Roll 1962. And when we got to Louisiana her family threw us a party!

Me & Buck & a beer & a truck.
Well that wasn't what I set out to write about, but somehow this story takes twists and turns along the way. I guess that's why it makes a good story. What I intended to write about is how and why I never charge for pictures I take in public. It's not because the people asking for them don't have money. I know damn well they probably have more than me, but it's sort of like this: I do not have advertising on my blog or website and I never will. If you go to a professional comedian or musicians page they won't have advertising. It looks tacky, and more importantly like you don't believe in yourself. whatever faults I have, complete self doubt is not one. It makes people mad when you are confident, but you have to believe if you want to get anywhere. I personally believe that this story is interesting enough to be a best seller. I have to. And now a slice of my life:

I get requests like this ALL THE TIME!!!! Not joking!
My life is so nuts that many times people will take pictures of me "covertly" even though I have developed a sense that lets me know most of the time. I have gotten popped walking, driving, and standing on a damn big log with my friends!

I saw them do it. If I had known they wanted to pay me I would have instantly taken pictures. I was DEAD BROKE! This is as close as I have been to a nervous breakdown. Well two days later anyway.

I was in a lot better head space here. They actually talked to me later too! This lot thought I looked like Taylor Lautner!
I have even had someone sitting in a van, pull out a camera, while I was watching her, and take a damn picture through the window. KNOWING I WAS WATCHING HER! Some girls in the "special press area" at the Twilight deal last week did the same, then when I did it back they turned away like they were famous or something! [Pro-tip: I get the feeling a lot of people in LA think they are famous, except some of the people who actually are!]

Since I can't think of what else to write in connection with that, I'm just going to post a couple more pictures!

Look at the people in the background and imagine the size of the elephant in the room when I leave the house!
This is me on my day off at the hot springs. Its weird. Everyday. But weirder for me than them.
Dude you look like that cat from the Twilight movies!
I promised my cousin I would include her!

Sometimes the job required me to wear ugly as hell crowns! Hot as hell ugly as hell crowns!

Well I don't know what all this means, or where it takes me, or what it makes me. But I want to buy a piece of land and a caboose. That much I know. Love Buzz.

Special consideration to The Mayor, Greg White.

Places I slept this year: Part One

In my line of work there is always the daunting thought that I must get up in the morning and immediately do something hilarious. Perhaps this is the reason I stayed in bed until 2 pm today. It could also be that after almost 6 weeks of traveling I found a place to hang out in for an entire week! And I don't have to get up if I don't want to! So today, instead of being hilarious I figured I would just tell you about some of the places I have slept in over the past 6 weeks.

For me, sleep has always been tough to come by, and beer has always been my favorite vitamin (for better or worse, but let's not open that can of worms). This has is a combination which has found me "sleeping" upright  in a straight backed chair and in some guys tree house on leap year day 2008. During the last four weeks of university I lived in my friend Jacob's laundry room. It was great. In the morning he would get up and cook his breakfast and I would worm around on the kitchen floor (it was adjacent my "bedroom") saying hilarious things. Well he laughs easy it could have been less hilarious than I remember. Anyway, we were not talking about ancient history but the near past, so without further ado...

This was my home. A Mercedes. Any guesses why I named him "Adolf"?

Flash back to June of this year (given time travel works) and you will find a much hairier version of me working at The Oriental Green Party Hydroponic Farm in Mount Compass South Australia. That is really the name and I highly recommend not working there. Well as the story goes, I was living unhappily with my bosses Mr and Mrs Luoung, who by the way have their own rooms. Probably because of their incredible dickishness. One day however they presented a paper thin ruse to get me out of the house and back into the van (we do not have time to explore the madness which was the Oriental Green Party fully at this time and I apologize). So from then on I lived in the van and had a mouse roommate named Chad. I think I named him so I would not kill him. My bad was made of cardboard boxes stuffed in cardboard boxes, then I taped 5 together. It worked OK. In the end I had $4,500 shoved into it as well so it was a pretty great bed.

Of course when I was done working I stayed at a couple mates places before I went on my BIG OVERNIGHT CAMPING TRIP! Seriously, the whole time I was in Australia I never really traveled. First because I was in a relationship, second because I was working at the damn Oriental Green Party. Well I finally got to go on a camp out to a music festival, and damned if I didn't do the exact opposite of what you are supposed to do. I camped right under a beautiful white gum tree!

I'm not telling what went on with the tree, but it was a hoot!
The problem is the gum trees can just be sitting there all gummily and then suddenly branches will just fall the hell off! Of course they didn't that night, but I was camping on a spring and when I woke up I thought I had pee'd the bed (there was beer involved). But unless I had a whole keg in my bladder and some other stuff there is no explaining the fact that my pillow was soaked through and the bottom of the tent had standing water (which did not smell like pee). So that was my second to last night in Australia...

Just kidding! I got stuck in Sydney Airport for a week! Because of this mild transportation debacle, I ended up here:

The Germans insisted on calling it "The Jolly Jumpa!"
As things go it was nice. In 7 days I slept in 5 different rooms and with countless international women. Oh wait no. Just rooms. It was brilliant because I had been stuck out in woop woop with a passel of bogans. Being in one of the most beautiful cities in the world was quite alright. I am including a picture of a bogan below so you take a peek over the proverbial shoulder of Buzzsaw.

Well I finally got out of Australia, but I don't count 40 hours and three flights as exactly a place to sleep, even if I did fly first class from Osaka to Oakland. I landed in CA after more than a year abroad, sick with the plague and paranoid as hell about losing the files from the album I recorded with music legend Chris Finnen before I left Adelaide. Did I mention the plague? So anyhow I ended up taking the bus through Oakland to the house my sister lives in. Jerry Garcia's daughter lives next door and I happened to spot her.

Chris Finnen had the awesome habit of calling him "Garcy"!
Well I rested and coughed there for a couple days before I flew standby to Portland to work on the album at Troubador Studios. It was a near heart stopping experience, I got on the flight 2 minutes before take off. So the next couple nights I spent in be continued at the point where I found myself working for the eccentric pot smoking chiropractor...

Saturday, November 17, 2012

End of an Era.

It seems like just last week that I was living in a van (Mercedes though) in Mount Compass Australia on the Oriental Green Party farm. Hydroponic bok choy farm. Hella bok choy. Then it was drinking cheap wine (known as goon) on the Sydney Harbor bridge with my German friends Maximilian and Johan. It feels as if it just happened but really it was a 40 hour flight saga back. The one that took me from Sydney to Singapore to Osaka to Oakland. In Oaktown I stayed at my sisters house. She lives next door to Jerry Garcia's daughter. She looks just like him because I saw her when I got to the place. Apparently that was lucky on my part because she hadn't been spotted for months. At this point I slept and coughed. Coughed and slept. It feels like yesterday.

It was only when I was leaving to go to Portland that I realized I lost a sketchbook with all the song lyrics for my new album in it. Obviously, being a dude, I got it back because it had been turned in to the lost and found. Of course that was nice but I still suffered the stress of flying standby. I was sure I wouldn't make it and a heart attack was inevitable. I made the plane.

Was it just last week that I was painting the crazy chiropractors office? Picking apples in Yakima? Cleaning a barbecue for money? Hell I guess it wasn't. Last week I was in LA. Dirty doggin' on the Coast Starlight train line. I met con artists and gypsies. Or perhaps they were me. It must have been last night that I was drinking beer in the bar at Whole Foods with my black cousin. Oh wait, that was the Toys R' Us loading dock in Kennewick WA with a young movie star. Or would he be considered more of a "guy who walked down a hill in a movie"? Doesn't matter because I was there. From the beginning to the end. Of course I did take some pictures and make some videos along the way but you will have to be satisfied with my music and this picture:

I made a joke that he (Jackson Rathbone) laughed at right after this. Some broad asked him to sign her I-Pad, which is so cliche! he asked if it was for him, and I said "But there's no Angry Birds!" he laughed and said "No Angry Birds?" "Yeah, it's basically a bullshit I-Pad"!

Friday, November 9, 2012

Yes I was hanging around with gypsies today.

If you are paying any attention at all to this report I apologize. It would probably be far more fun to be flying around in a squirrel suit. Or maybe you just want to try on hats. Either way, some how you got sucked in to my weird world. So what does that have to do with gypsies? Not much except that while I was waiting to see if I could get in to the premier of Twilight Breaking Balls II (which I failed at) there was a whole damn family of gyppo's waiting with me. By that I mean roughly 15 gypsies. The mom gypsies were tough as hell. I asked the kids if the were "throwers" and they were surprised how I knew. They just seemed like shoe throwing types is all.

 Oh, and I got on TV. Anyway, it has been crazy even just riding the train down the coast. Expect some serious craziness in the next few days.Just so you know, for fun I tried to end this little post by inserting a gratuitous picture I found by google image searching "weird ass Asian man" but the computer is acting up. I would have posted the gymnast. That is all.