Saturday, December 25, 2010

Best of 2010, part II

Dr Hunter S Twilight here. Last night "Buzzsaw" got all sentimental about all this "sweet" stuff. It showed him to be a precious turd. In reality he is as bad if not worse than the two things I hate the most. I am writing this in hopes of ruining his pathetic career and forcing him to become a hippie.

The nice thing is that both things are actually people. At least I think they might be. They are also both from the UK. So even for a dunce like me, it is easy to remember. For the sake of my simple mind I will go alphabetically. Starting with B.

B stands for Bono. The first thing I hate about this "man" is his name. It is spelled B O N O. It should and will be pronounced BOH-NO not BAWNO. Was Cher's former husband Sonny Bawno? Absolutely not. If he wanted it to be pronounced that way he should have spelled it Bonno. It is very simple. Respect my ability to read and pronounce the English language and I will respect you BOWNO. I don't mind the fact that his music is bland and boring like plain oatmeal. It is probably good for you too. The fact is that I can barely remember any of it and it all sounds the same.

BOWNO's lameness is not diminished by the fact that his guitar player, David Howell Evans, insists on being called "The Edge" and wearing that damn beanie. It sounds like a bad wrestling moniker Dave. The beanie makes you look like a mime too poor to get a striped shirt. This longtime association is an indication that they are both terrible people. I have not even started on BOWNO's glasses.

I don't know how long The Bone has been wearing yellow safety glasses, but I would pay good money to see him without them. Essentially they are a middle finger to the world which he displays on his face. Nobody in their right mind would think they look good. Does he want to make fun of the working man who actually has to wear safety glasses and who spends good money to buy his music? He is just the insincere type of fiend who would love to thumb his nose at his audience.

Lastly, bOWNO is obnoxious because of his "spirituality." He has been adopted by many for his "faith" but I have never heard him say anything. He is the grayest of the gray areas. neither black nor white, sitting on the fence line collecting money from both sides of the fence. As far as I know all he has ever done is play music. Much of the time making massive amounts of money doing it. To some this may be equivalent of a Masters in Divinity, but not to this cat. Bowno, please shut the hell up!

The next "artist" I hate is Sting. I will briefly outline why, then pull BOWNO back into the mix and lacerate them both. Gordon Sumner aka Sting is an irritating putz who probably spends half his day in front of the mirror and the other half creating pretentious press releases. He is rich beyond belief, yet wants to be known as an everyman. Like Bowno he is "spiritual" only to a level which will not offend, mainly probably so he can impress women.

If his music were less annoying maybe I would hate him less. It is, and I don't If I wanted to here someone repeatedly wail the name Roxanne, then I would be the moron. I don't and am not. The real proof of the pudding lies in the fact that he loves to brag about practicing tantric sex, and even claims to have 14 hour sex sessions! This is a lie because no one does that, and if they could would be bored as hell way before 14 hours. It never happened Sting you lie! I could maybe stomach both of these buffoons, if not for their "charitable works."

Neither Bowno or Sting will stop trying to get their fans (who by the way are paying for their lavish lifestyle) to part with more money. Sting has an estimated fortune of $160 MILLION! He has multiple estates. And he wants me to send money to other people. This is neat. The fact is that I know people with more talent than Sting who dedicate their lives to charitable works. shut your mouth Sting. Stop talking. Bono has an estimated net worth of between $100-400 MILLION. And he wants me to give money to his pet charity. Both of these buffoons could still be rich beyond belief and probably save an entire African nation. I think they are the worst of people, let's vote them off our planet!

Thank you for reading this, hope your Christmas was as boring as mine. Dr HS Twilight, PHD

It's been a weird year (2010 top 10)

Hello friends, I apologize for my lack of work on this here BS report, but I have been rather busy these last couple of weeks. I have been so busy that I can't even think of anything funny. At least nothing worth writing about. So I am putting this together to highlight a great strange year. It will be two parts, a top ten list of 2010:

10. Finishing my album "Devil in The Tim Shop" has got to be on this list. I started this project in May when I recorded guitar, vocals and harmonica for ten songs in my kitchen with my friend Caleb Baker of Troubador Studios, Portland Oregon. We then recorded background vocals, bass and violin at another house in north Seattle. This was done while I was doing a welding job, setting up to go to Forks, moving out of my house, and playing a gospel concert at Seattle Folklife Festival. We did two hours of electric guitar stuff in early October in Portland. I then got the call that there was time this past week to record. So I went down and recorded three new songs and overdubbed a bit more. The rest of the time was spent mixing and editing. Here is the link:

9. Taking a trip to the southlands to go on a major Twilight destination vacation/work trip. I have always wanted to visit the south so when I was given the opportunity to take a trip down with a tough Aussie twi-mum and my buddy Lando, I took it. We got to meet friends old and new. We saw the studio where they are filming Twilight: Breaking Dawn. We found another film location and I had someone walk off his job at risk of being fired because he thought I was Robert Pattinson. I also got Twidentified by a guy with one leg and a pot leaf hat in Austin TX. I flew from Austin to Seattle and landed in the middle of a snow storm.

8. Inventing the word "twidentified". It has really saved me a LOT of time. Especially since I am writing a book about all the experiences which come with being very much twidentified. While we were in Portland I was twidentified by a stoned hippy. She was a total Twilight fan, even going to Forks. Another funny thing is that my friend and engineer/co-producer Caleb calls it "Itwinified" he has also been known to say "twitified." For the past few days I have been using "itwinified."

7. Making enough money, by hook or by crook to survive without "working for the man." As someone who knows he is terrible at running a business, the very idea of cashing out all my investments to move to Forks was a little daunting. The fact that my family thought I was crazy (literally, details in the book) and my friends though Twilight was ridiculous didn't help. At the same time I believed I had a story to tell and somehow I survived. I want to thank everyone who bought a picture, put money in the tip jar, or simply gave me some food. It is because of your generosity that I can write to you now.

6. The only thing better than being crazy enough to quit your job, invest in a photo booth, drive to an LA movie premier, then move to the middle of nowhere to set up shop, is finding someone crazy/stupid enough to join you! My little buddy Lando, that fat little blob, was just the guy. If not for him, I would probably have either gone crazy, been killed, or been wildly successful. All the time I was in the spotlight, he was watching and listening. He helped me get my computer stuff going, and pretty much maintained sanity. He is a very talented guy, so check out his work:

Have a great Christmas, Buzzsaw

Saturday, December 11, 2010

ipadio: what would you do?

No clowning around!

Dear friends, I am writing an appeal today in an attempt to unite you in a cause which I hope you will deem important enough to champion. Everyday we all face perils of many types, both sinister and deadly. Some will threaten your health, some your mental stability. The issue I am going to tackle today may well affect both! In an attempt to bring up not only dangerous threats to your well being, I am going to also offer solutions which I hope you will see fit to support.
The deadly peril I am speaking about is clowns! Yes, the “harmless” clown. The one that scared your son Billy so bad at his 11th birthday that he lost control of his urinary tract. The clown that showed up drunk to your company party. The painted freak who beckons you to come and sup with him at McDonalds. Any one of these would be considered a menace if they were not accepted by society as “entertaining and “fun.” But what do we gain by teaching our kids that it is ok to twist up animals like balloons? Why is it written off as a “gag” to squirt your friend with seltzer? In my humble opinion, these are mean spiteful things and vastly different from the brotherly love we should be teaching.
For many years I have studied the subject of clowns and I have not balked in asking people the tough questions. “What do you think of clowns?” This is most often followed by an uncomfortable silence. Then the levee breaks. “They terrify me” one young girl responded. “I have been subject to post traumatic stress syndrome. Uncontrollable fits of depression and weeping” a muscled mechanic said, as a tear welled up in his deep hazel eyes. I handed him a handkerchief, and nodded sympathetically.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. In my studies on the subject I found that there are four distinct groups when it comes to opinions on clowns. The first and possibly the largest group is which hates/fears clowns. Fortunately I found this group quite eager to discuss the subject. There were days when my work more resembled group therapy than journalism. Thankfully I am a man who is not afraid to encourage those who are hurting, so these sessions were often quite fruitful.
Clowns have been scaring children for generations. In Brazil they roam the Carnival with hard rubber balls. Never hesitating to kick them at slow children, chasing them down alleys with garish faces. In this country they are ever present. With “goofy” voices “playing games” carnivals and company picnics. Of the 16,000 plus people I interviewed over 10,000 said they fit in this category.
“I hate them” said April Drury of San Diego CA. “Ever since I was a young girl I remember being terrified by a decorative plate at my grandmother’s house. She kept it in the room I stayed in. At night the lights from the street would illumine the face, so all I could see was it’s wicked grin. The worst part was that it played ‘Here come The Clowns.”  I think it was broken because it would suddenly go off when I was sleeping. Of course I never slept much when I stayed there.”
Mike Compton of Redmond WA had a different take. “I don’t know why, but I just hate them. They are worse than mimes because they talk. At least a mime just has a little horn. Clowns talk and have horns. The hair disgusts me. And I despise the implications of the giant shoes. It’s like they are trying to convince you to go and have creepy clown sex by insinuating that they have massive genitalia.”
The more I spoke with these people, the more I felt myself agreeing. I couldn’t help it. Crying widows. Shuddering linebackers. Kids, distraught over a ruined birthday party. These are things which tug at the heart strings, no matter how cynical you are. But there are others, and I must let them speak.
The second largest group I found on my quest was the totally indifferent. These are the people who are not scared of or hateful towards clowns, but instead don’t care about them at all. “If I never saw a clown again I wouldn’t miss it.” Bragged Donald Sutherland, actor. “A good clown is like a Sasquatch, nice to talk about around a campfire, but impossible to find. The rest can go to hell as far as I’m concerned.” Others I questioned were of similar opinions.
“What purpose do they serve?” asked Laura Diles, of mid-west Georgia “It seems like all they do is waste whipped cream, drive tiny impractical cars in unsafe ways, and take up time when I could be doing other things. They are fine, but I really can’t tell you of an experience I have had with a clown which makes me want to see more clowns.” By this time, I could not have agreed more.
This group, of the unsympathetic, consisted of about 4,500 people. It left a small minority who were clown supporting free speech loving fanatics. Most of them ended up actually being clowns.
I guess it is no surprise. Still it happened so rarely that I would find someone who was an ardent supporter of clowns, that I would follow up with this. “Are you a clown?” only three times did I receive a negative response. In these cases they were children or siblings of clowns. So I decided to call up some clowns and ask them what they thought.
“When I am doing a party and I see that a kid is getting scared, I back off.” Said Goofy Dave of Keokuk IL. When I asked him how often it happened he vaguely responded “There’s one in every crowd.” Well Goofy Dave, in my limited studies I found that there were in fact more than “one” in every crowd. It seemed like the more I asked, the more people were wondering why there even clowns at all. By the end of my research, I was asking the same question myself. So what is to be done about it you ask? I have a solution which I think will be beneficial to all concerned, and I truly believe should be implemented.
Simply stated, clown reservations. We designate an area for clown performance, and on that area the clowns can clown to their hearts content. If the happen to stray in costume from the area they would face stiff penalties and possible prison time. I know it sounds harsh, but we have an epidemic on our hands, and I feel that this is a reasonable solution to our problem.
First of all, those who love clowns, no matter how few there are, will be able to enjoy the show without troublesome interruptions. No crying children. No gunfire. The clowns would not have to “back off” because everyone in attendance would be an ardent fan, and probably a clown. It would be a sort of utopia for clowning, and they could even have clown based stores and restaurants, no matter how frightening the idea may seem to you.
Of course, there would be checkpoints to ensure that none of the clown paraphernalia would leave the reservation, this is a given. Other than that, they could have the time of their lives. In my humble opinion, it seems like a fair and prudent solution to a costly problem. You see millions of dollars a year are spent on therapy from clown induced psychological issues and it seems prudent to snuff that out at the root. “I wish I could tell you the problems are going away” stated Dr. Tim Kunkel “Sadly with the internet it seems to be getting worse. There is even a clown centric group of cyberbullies who have been responsible for 7 of my last 20 patients. It is really disheartening.” Of course he is making money from this so I would almost discount his testimony if not for his passion. You see his son Jimmy was driven insane by a clown named Bowzer the Great, and to this day is housed in Bellevue Mental institute. These are the reasons for my passion.
So friends, I urge you, think long and hard about clowns and the clown reservation. It may be time to lobby you congressman. Call your city council, or start a neighborhood watch group. Please, it is America, and you are the ones who can affect change in your society. It is a good cause. Please, don’t let Jimmy Kunkel suffer in vain. Send the clowns to the rez! Lovingly, Buzzsaw

Note: I have not made any mention to juggalo's as that is a topic so vast and varied that it is deserving of it's own BS. I hope you can forgive me of taking this liberty.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Wanna make a bet?

Gambling and sports. Two of the things which interest me the least. Then why did you decide to write about it you ask? Because crime and conspiracy have always interested me a lot. Well how do gambling and sports connect to crime and conspiracy? Easy, money is always connected to crime and conspiracy, so obviously so are sports and gambling.

My main theory in this arena (pun intended) is that a lot more sporting events are rigged than the public would like to believe. With billions of dollars to be gained, of course the games get fixed. When I talk to people about this I am often told that they wouldn't get rigged because the players are "playing to win", but if you have players walking out on $300 million dollar contracts, I think they might be interested in money too.

Now, the point of this piece is not to prove that the Superbowl has been rigged. I am pretty sure that it has been. My opinion is that the 1919 Black Socks world series scandal is not the most famous rigged event in our countries history, rather the most famous for getting caught. So personally I am assuming that there is fixing going on. It is human nature.

Really what I am after is finding the guy who is doing the fixing so I will know who to bet on. If I did I would get addicted to gambling as quickly as possible. This is what I have been thinking about, I apologize that it is not funny. Buzzsaw

Monday, December 6, 2010

She's got a good thing going!

This weeks caption contest winner bio!

The story I am about to tell is one of bravery and grit, a story of one womans fight for the freedom of all house cats. The story of Rebecca!

Rebecca was born Julia Roberts to her parents, Robert and Roberta in Bowling Green Kentucky on July 4th 1476. They gave her the name Julia because they thought that Roberta Roberts Jr, was a truly horrid name. As a young girl Julia Roberts was actively involved in her community as a member of Chamber of Commerce and the Daughters of The American Revolution. As a young girl she was quite interested in science and computers, and luckily for the town of Bowling Green she did not mind setting up the internet in the town hall. It has been rumored that she even set up our first president George Washington's first facebook profile! This was when he was going as ByGeorge34527, which was a profile he kept up until his death at Mount Vernon in 2004.

As a the only female member of the Boy Scouts she was also the first female to earn her Eagle Scout award. To this day it hangs from the rear view mirror of her Toyota Prius, which she bought after winning a poker tournament at Diamond Lil's Cardroom in Lynwood WA. Julia is married to a man known only as "Art Garfunkel" who is an artist. His hobbies include online games such as Farmville and Sorority Life. He is said to be extremely handsome and his nose aquiline.

I have been lucky enough to have spent many hours with Julia Roberts volunteering at the local blood banks and libraries. We do this because we are in fact two of the best people in the world. Bar none. That is except for Art Garfunkel and the kids, Jody Foster and Stephen Foster. These two are a true blessing. Jody has taken after her mother working with computers and saving lives, while Stephen Foster is a moron. Jody says that he gets it from his fathers fishing hat, which everyone knows is a dunce.

Last week while we were donating large sums of money to several local and international charities I asked Julia what her plans were. She told me that she was considering running for the Nobel Prize for Hotness, since she is extremely hot. It seemed like a very sound idea, so when she suggested that I also run, I quickly agreed. it would be my chance to really show the world what I was all about, it would be my chance to shine. Julia Roberts you are an extremely gifted person. I love your caption. I love your work in Africa and New Hampshire (she founded the New Hampshire home for the Geriatric and Crazy in 1798). I think you are a babe and a catch. If not for your undying love for Art Garfunkel, your svelte husband, I would make a play. Not that I have a chance against Art anyway, but I would hate myself if I did not try! Julia Roberts you are a sweet sweet southern belle. Goodnight. Your man, Buzzsaw

Saturday, December 4, 2010

How to write BS

This morning around 5 am I woke up. At this time I had nothing to do except try to get back to sleep. Of course this was a futile exercise and perhaps I should have gotten up and written the BS report I was inspired to write. At least I should have written down the idea, because as soon as I thought of it I knew it would take about 15 minutes and would probably make both of my deranged readers laugh at least once. Sadly for them, I neglected my duty, instead lying in bed for another two hours. I forgot the great idea about two minutes after I thought of it and spent the next 35 trying to remember. That said, I thought that for lack of anything better I would take you through my process of writing, it is truly amazing. To be honest, I was tempted to make up a bunch of lies about my rituals, going to such lengths as claiming to do 11 push-ups, but even for me this is to great an exaggeration. So I will stick mostly to the truth.

Sometimes, like last night I have an idea and I can sit down and write the thing fairly quickly. For example when I decided to write my horoscope, I was working on painting a bedroom. I have always thought that signs of the zodiac and horoscopes are totally bunk. It is sort of an obsession with me. What inspires me are the people (usually women) I am talking to and they think they "understand" me because of our conversation. They will then inevitably ask me what my sign is, and if I tell them they say "yep, totally." This has always bothered me because if the stupid thing were real they should be able to tell me what astrological sign I am simply based upon my behavior. Any student of the zodiac who has to ask, in my opinion needs to either study more, or give it up.

When I decided to do my horoscope the first thing I had to do was look up the astrological signs, because to be honest I always thought them so dumb I never memorized them. I was able, through the powers of the internet to find a web-based horoscope that was also extremely vague. I had planned on writing a very vague piece, because this is how the writers of horoscopes are able to hook readers. If you say enough vague things about people who are naturally interested in mumbo jumbo, you will eventually print something that "fits." Of course I lost interest in this direction right away.

I had intended to write "lucky numbers" for each sign, but after writing the first set I got lazy. Then a couple signs later I decided to write more, then I realized it was easier and funnier if all the numbers were the same. This was a real victory. I think I tried to write semi-realistic entries until about 1/3 of the way through. Then I just gave up and went crazy. Somewhere about 2/3 of the way through I grew tired. At this point I decided that it would be fine if I simply cut and pasted from the actual horoscope. I intended to change them, but then I realized that they were fine on their own. I finished quickly, found an obscenely weird picture of a fortune teller, and put that at the top of the report. Then I pushed the "publish" button and went about my business.

On this particular day I had been painting a bedroom all day. It was during this time when I became inspired to write the horoscope. So instead of working on my book project first, I jumped right into my BS, as you might have gathered it is good to strike when the iron is hot. So when I got done I still had to write 2,000 words about my trip to Japan in 2005. It was not too bad, but by the time I was finished I was pretty tired. Unfortunately as 21st century writer, I had to check up on my Facebook and Twitter accounts. Facebook was fine but a problem arose on Twitter. A young woman from Kansas was pitching a fit because I forgot her sign. I was at first apologetic because I thought I must have forgot, then I checked my blog.

The interesting thing about all technology is that it is flawed. The flaw with this program is that for some reason it does not like copy and paste very much. I have had problem taking files from other programs before, and such was the case here. The entire last 1/3 of the piece was represented by an empty screen, at least on the main page. So here I was at 11:30 at night and I needed to figure this out so some woman from Kansas would leave me alone.

At first I tried to get the copy and paste function to work. After 7 tries I realized it was to no avail. Then I rewrote the last section. When I pasted it in I thought it was fine. Unlike the first time, this time I previewed the page before uploading. I was infuriated to find that though the piece was intact, there was a large blank space in the middle of the blog. So I went back into the edit function, only to discover that I had copied and pasted the old part 5 or 6 times, so I had to erase it. Finally I was finished. I published the piece and posted it on Twitter for my Jayhawk friend. Then I finally laid down in bed. Of course by this time I needed to relax so I read for an hour and at one am, I turned out the light. And that is how BS is made. Love BS
PS-I also try to spell check, but I am always trying to find ways to "explain away" bad grammar and spelling.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Advice, advice, advice

As you might have guessed this BS report is actually more of an advice column. Sorry if you expected otherwise, but I have a lot of people asking me what they should do in life and I feel it would be unfair to hide my pearls of wisdom like some sort of forbidden fruit rollup. So here you go:

Dear Buzzsaw, Man, I just want to tell you that I have been a fan of yours since the early days on KCWU! Man I used to love listening to "Patrick Friendly" and "Ledocious D" "Lil Pickl" and the rest of the gang! And that time you had the contest to see who got to bring you coffee! Hilarious! But to get on topic I have a major problem. I work at Valley Honda in Ranch Cucamungo CA and my boss Janet Phinney is having an affair with my co-worker Ben Fields. they are both married, and the problem is that I am a personal friend with Ben's wife Sarah Fields. In fact she got me the job! Another hitch is that I sometimes go geo caching with Janet's husband Neil Phinney! I feel like I am in a pickle! Should I tell someone that Ben Fields and Janet Phinney are having an affair or should I keep my mouth shut? Please, Buzzsaw, your my only hope.
Sincerely Donald Fink, Rancho Cucamungo, CA

Dear Donald Fink, thanks for remembering the old days! It means a lot to hear that someone is paying attention to my work. Anyway, as far as your question. I am sure things are tough at Valley Honda in Rancho Cucamungo CA now that Janet Phinney and Ben Fields are engaged in an extra marital affair. what I advise you to do is wait. It might not be a good thing if you went to Sarah Fields or Neil Phinney and told them about it. It seems to me that maybe you could give it time to blow over. Maybe Janet Phinney and Ben Fields of Rancho Cucamungo CA are just involved in a fling. Also, do you have a hobby? Maybe you just need something to do. But seriously, I would just try to get my work done at Valley Honda in Rancho Cucamungo CA. The affair between your boss Janet Phinney and your co-worker Ben Fields will work itself out! Ta ta, Buzzsaw

Dear Buzzsaw, I am thinking about getting a lizard. Any ideas? Jessie in Houston

Dear Jessie let me tell you I love me some lizards. I suggest either the Leopard Gecko, the Red Ackie, or the Bearded Dragon. Any of these are great lizards for someone new to lizardry. In case you have further questions and I am unavailable there are many great online resources for this type of thing. I especially love have fun with your new pal! Love always, Buzzsaw

Dear Buzzsaw, what is that smell? Sean

Dear Sean, I think it is the aroma fresh baked  toasted coconut cookies and an apple wood fire. I also catch the rich loamy smell of hot ginger tea, does that help? See ya, Buzzsaw

That's all for tonight, have a good one, best regards, Ian "Buzzsaw" the short guy Barnes

ipadio: Something really funny I saw!

ipadio: Choosing paint.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

ipadio: workout routine

Horoscope! From Buzzsaw!

I am now doing horoscope readings. That is how low I have sunk. Here your are my fine feathered reader:

Aquarius: Not to be confused with an aquarium, or for that matter a terrarium, you are very special indeed! Look out his week, it is highly likely that something or someone, is going to make you angry! Grrr! That is OK because if you make sound financial choices, you could make a lot of money! Watch out for heartbreak, it can getcha! You lucky numbers are 12,7,56,45,3,78,1,23 and 4.

Capricorn: Things are not always as they seem! What you think is right might be wrong! Your relatives might call this week. Make sure you do not let old disagreements gain new life! There is a beautiful someone out there waiting for you. Don't miss your chance! Take advantage of good opportunities when they arise!

Sagittarius: The holidays may be full of surprises! If you want someone to notice you, now is the time to act! You only live once. Barnum and Bailey's circus. Meaningful insight. Trust your instincts! Don't worry about naysayers! You have to learn to walk before you learn to crawl!

Scorpio: You might rush into things a bit fast at times! Watch out lest you upset the fruitbasket! if you are looking for opportunity it will find you! Keep your eyes on the prize! Member FDIC insured! Your love life may blossom if watered! See the man in the trenchcoat? He's naked underneath! Your lucky numbers are 12,7,56,45,3,78,1,23 and 4.

Libra: You might consider becoming a librarian. You have a sexy voice. It turns me on. I can't help trying to find out more about you via the internet! I am not joking. I just drove by your house for the third time in an hour! You are soooo hot! Anyway, I like to play foosball, ultimate frisbee and build computers from the ground up! By the way, I don't have a job or a car so my mom drove for me. It's cool though, I am 38.

 Virgo: Your lucky numbers are 12,7,56,45,3,78,1,23 and 4. No matter what people say don't keep trying! The competition is only competing for first through fourth place. You are a cinch for 5th! Hey Jim, did you get my e-mail about the cruise next August? Yeah, it's gonna be great! I love Alaska! Those whales are HILARIOUS! Especially when they jump up and land on seals so they can crush their bones and eat them! Too cool! Alright, pizza for lunch? Right on bro! Your lucky numbers are 12,7,56,45,3,78,1,23 and 4.

Leo: It may be near impossible to put someone off till a later day, so you may need to start earlier and finish later than usual just to stay in front with your responsibilities. Focus on developing your multitasking skills.

Cancer: You can easily get emotionally hurt. If you are in constant contact with someone who rubs you up the wrong way, try to limit the time you spend with them. You work best when you are with people who are sensitive to your needs.

Gemini: You are a sweet person. Don't be soured by setbacks! A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. No matter what kind of bird or what kind of bush. Even a tiny, filthy pigeon in your hand is worth two hens in a blueberry bush. It is the wisdom of the ages! Don't worry about what you cannot change! Your love life is uncertain. Your lucky numbers are 12,7,56,45,3,78,1,23 and 4.

Taurus: Don’t worry too much about changes ahead. Guykwedcjafbf! It could be worse, have you heard about genocide? I think you and I both know a special someone who wants to give you a special something! Hee Hee! And by the way, you may or may not be a lesbian.

Aries: Even though your zodiac sign sounds like herpes, or testes, you still count! And you can count on experiencing changes in your career as well! Does your boss know you smoke pot? Well he is going to find out via your moron friends on Facebook! So much for social networking, soon that’s the closest thing to workin you will be doing at all! Your lucky numbers are 12,7,56,45,3,78,1,23 and 4.

Pices: For someone with your personality you should look for some challenges in the near future! Remember things are not always as they appear! What looks easy could be hard, and the opposite could also be true as well! I know you might be considering a Polar Bear plunge, but given the fact that you swim about as well as a George Foreman grill, please remain clothed and on shore! Watch out for perverts this week, and by that, I mean don’t get caught doing anything gross!

There, I am happy to help enlighten my good readers with the future, the future, the future! Nothing makes me more delighted than when I get to help out the "little people", which means you.
Best regards, Madame Buzzsaw

Monday, November 29, 2010

If you were smarter...

If you were only slightly smarter, better looking, and witty, you too might have won my caption contest! Ha! But your not! And to be open and honest, neither am I. In fact I entered two times, and even though I am completely corrupt, I still did not award myself the prize. The prize goes to a certain person named Pauline! Yes that's right Pauline. Did I stutter? I did not think so. I am sure you will get all whiny and upset that your comment which was not even a caption did not win. I don't care. Pauline did it better, and I am making an educated guess, but I bet she could do it again.

Not that we are slouches, but she is just very very good at what she does. Now to be fair, she has worked as a professional "caption artist" for the Detroit Sun since her graduation from Michigan State in 1997, does that make my contest unfair? No! Never once did I say that it was limited to amateurs, it just so happens that a professional won. But let me get to my prize, the winner of my contest gets a personal biography written by yours truly. So here you go Pauline:

Pauline. Born with no last name. Raised with no last name. To this day she is known simply as Pauline. Pauline or "EagleHair". The second is her "hippie" name. It was given to her during a drum circle at a Phish concert in Vermont. She was playing a tattoo on a djembe which was so spiritual, so moving, so earthy, that a large shaman had a vision. It was something about how WalMart was trying to control the world by selling Otter Pops at rock bottom prices. Somehow he realized that she would be called "EagleHair". In general, as a policy, I just call her EagleHair. It is as beautiful as she is!

I mentioned that she worked writing captions in Detroit. This is the good job. She used to work in a bank. Not at one of the good jobs, where you get a desk and stuff. No, Pauline was an ATM monkey, which meant long hours curled up inside the ATM reading cards and sending money out the little slot which was so hard to see. The reason she got that job was not because she was evil and needed to be punished, no, it is because Pauline is an orphan, and what many people don't know is that the Carter Administration developed a bill called "The Orphan order" which dictated that orphans would work the ATM circuit in exchange for the federal money they receive, some kind of FDIC thing I believe.

Pauline is a firebrand most certainly. Her hobbies include photography, and archery. As a concept artist she is unmatched. One of her pieces "Tickin' Like a Time Bomb" won a prize. In this piece her boyfriend Lucas Dimitri got into a clock suit with a time bomb attached and Pauline standing 100 yards away, disarmed the bomb using only her bow and arrows. It was the talk of Detroit for several days, which might have something to do with the fact that she was arrested for her art, charged with a felony and sentenced to life in prison. She broke out. Not a problem for her. When the authorities found her, living with impunity in her own house, under her own name, they just caved. She never even looked up from her settee where she was filing her nails. The fuzz just looked at her and gave up.

Pauline is a Capricorn. Of course she does not believe the mumbo jumbo about horoscopes. People always act like they know what "sign" she is by the way she acts, then they ask what her sign is. She thinks this is ridiculous. If they really knew they should not have to ask what her sign is.

A humanitarian, Pauline has actually surpassed Bono as the worlds biggest fundraiser. this is because Bono just has yellow glasses, Pauline is actually a legit orphan. Sadly it is also why she brings bags when she eats at buffets, to her credit though she does share much of her bounty with Trevor her pet basset hound. He is a great hound. Born in the hills of Tennessee and brought to Detroit in the back of a Toyota Previa. He is housebroken, naturally, he also has a svelte, sexy figure. What a man. What a guy. Thank you Trevor for your entry, you sexy beast. I love you. If I were not a man I would ask you to marry me Trevor. I love your eyes. I think they are beautiful. in fact I have to admit, I really love your laugh! Trevor, be my Valentine! Buzzsaw!

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Feeling horny after Thanksgiving...

Feeling Horny after Thanksgiving - m4w - 29 (Seattle)

Date: 2010-11-27, 12:40AM PST
Lol, i am alone again.
Feeling so horny, if you are up and interested in talking, i am all game.
I hope you wont mind my accent, i am originally from india.

Let me tell you folks, I had a fun time with old friends last night. Thusly I am giving you one of the most succinct BS Reports ever. When I saw this post I was not expecting it to be that great. There are a lot of things out there in Craigslist land, and now it takes a lot to impress me. This one is great from start to finish. Lol. Right from the get go you see that this guy has a sense of humor. I also like that it was posted at 12:40 am as well. "If you are up and interested..." This phrase gives the impression that he is a veteran of the old Craigslist sex game. In short, this posting speaks for itself. I am going to eat a turkey sandwich in the bathtub. I will also be watching a live bootleg Kenny G video I stole from my friend.
Buzzsaw signing off

PS-I woke up with my pants on inside out and backwards this morning. Just thought I would share that with the world, or all 7 of my readers. Also I do a really good Indian accent, which for some crazy reason the women just love.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Hey, it turns out there are people more creepy than me! Wahoo!

Sometimes YOU just need a place to get away from it - mw4w - 55 (Tacoma)

We are seeking female companionship. YES, do you just want to get away from all the crap?
Are you looking for a place that you could come and visit or hang out in the afternoon or weekends?
SHE is a larger BBW over age 60 and HE is average hwp. We are only friends that would like a woman to become close to.
Do you want to have a lite dinner such as turkey,pizza a wine cooler and just talk or play cards?
What is going on in your life? Are you a young woman that is tired of the bars and guys?
Please reply with a pic, age and first name.

Dear readers, I was looking on craigslist in order to try and find a posting which would inspire me to new lows. Little did I expect to find this. It is the hope diamond of platonic friendship ads. It screams serial killer in a way that the other serial killers posting online have managed to hide when luring their victims to the lair. "YES, Do you want to get away..." Dah! It yells at you then makes it seem like it is offering an escape. I have no idea who would want to visit these people, but it appears that they really don't care. They only require that she be a female. "SHE" is grossly obese and over age 60. "HE" is average and extremely creepy. I am sure that a lot of people would love to meet these two (there were pictures, but  had a problem uploading). Of course the offer of a "lite dinner" such as "turkey, pizza a
wine cooler and just talk and play cards?" This is something we can all agree upon. Well I am going to leave the rest of this piece up to the reader to interpret. Just so you know, this posting terrified me. I was so scared I bought a wig and put on makeup before taking a picture to e-mail them, they said they had a two cheese pizza from Little Cesar's, so I must say, goodbye, Miss Buzzsaw the sexy one!

A Poem for a Twi-Hard Thanksgiving


As far
as I'm
 R-Pat is

the sexiest
guy out there.
my husband

watch out for
fang marks
on my neck

(I hope :)
My husband is
first, then

He is tall,
and seems
to be awfully

He can
drive my

sports car
any day!!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010


I think I really got into the entertainment business at a very young age. I must have been 4 when I was entered into my first talent show. It was a church function, and to this day I don't remember practicing for it or writing our skit. It does not matter, my sister Annika and I somehow managed to blow the minds of all in attendance. It seems strange that we would be allowed to create an entry into the church talent show without any kind of help from our parents, but if they were involved it was very minimally. I say this because what I remember is essentially making up a skit live onstage.

What our skit involved was a two person baseball game. We were using an old chair leg for a bat and a wadded up piece of paper for a ball. Who the first pitcher was I can't remember, but what I do remember was that the whole plot of the skit was that the bases kept changing. Also there were like 19 of them. The way it went down is that we somehow played this game, all the while talking in really weird voices, and somehow we managed to get through an inning or two without getting kicked off the stage. I have memories of the sound of laughter, and I remember loving it. Of course it might not have been as riotous as I recall, but lets just imagine that the whole idea was hilarious. Also we were wearing pajamas, so I am sure we looked funny too. And of course I was fully convinced that the whole game was real and that I was in a real baseball stadium. Just for the record, I had not heard Abbott and Costello and Calvin and Hobbes had not been written yet, so I feel safe to say that my first skit was original.

I became a professional musician at the age of 19. I had just started playing the guitar and harmonica so to become professional so early was quite shocking! My family was on a trip to San Diego at Christmas time, so I brought my instruments, knowing I would find it inspiring. There was not a lot of time to play but one evening I found myself playing quietly on a bench looking out on the sea from the top of a cliff at sunset. Because I was on a pedestrian path and I knew there were people around I was trying really hard not too play very loud. Though I was a young musician I was under no delusion that I was very good at playing, so I was trying to experience the scenery without ruining anyone else's experience as well. I think I had been there all of 5 minutes when suddenly I felt something hard strike my head. I heard the ringing of metal and I whipped around to see what it was. I saw a quarter spinning to stop on the ground but no one was in sight. Then I looked further over my left shoulder and more than 30 feet away a kid was standing on a balcony. "Sorry" he said as he sprinted into the hotel room. It was a funny way to become a professional, but ever since that day I have told people I am a professional musician.

My days as a radio DJ were a product of many years of just generally strange behavior. When I was 15 our youth leader Larry decided to take us to a mountain top so we could see the sunrise on an Easter morning. We made it to the mountain top. Unfortunately all of us fell asleep, including our leaders, and we missed sunrise. So we found ourselves back at Larry's house sitting around eating barbecue chicken while he showered before church (we did not care about that I am sure).

My friend Jason and I grew bored so it was decided that I would prank call his neighbors who were Mormon. Of course as usual I did not have a plan. So I quickly conjured up the voice I thought the Easter Bunny might have and when he answered said this "Hellooooo, this is the Easter Bunny!" at which point he started laughing fairly hard. "Who is this" He chuckled "Hellloooooo this is the Eeeeaster Bunnyyy!, I have a question for yoooou! If you are correct you win a basket FULL of eggs!" From what I can recall at this point both Jason and the man on the other end of the line were in hysterics. When he regained control enough to ask what the question was I asked him the average rainfall in the Amazon jungle. I knew I would have to do something difficult since I had neither Easter basket full of eggs, nor money with which to buy one. Needless to say, whatever number he gave me, I told him something else. I said goodbye, then I was able to join Jason in hysterics. At this point Larry came down the stairs and was wondering what in the world was so funny. I am sure that he never fully appreciated it at all. Anyway, I have many more examples of my showbiz past, all of which are very much underground and hip. Trust me! Buzzsaw

The questions keep coming!

Dear Mr Barnes, We have become aware that you are using the term “Twidentified.” In doing so you are compromising the integrity of our firm and our products. As the producers of the Twilight saga we feel that it is vital to ask you to cease and desist from use of this word. Though we do not own this word itself we own the prefix “twi” and all words containing this prefix.  We want you to realize how serious we are so the following are an actual list of other groups and organizations we have filed similar actions against: Twimoms of Kentucky (multi million dollar settlement in our favor), twilovers of Asia (cease and desist as well as flogging of founders Yee Lin and Sue Young), and the MidWest Twi-teens Special Olympics fundraising club (multi-million dollar settlement and published letter of apology). In short we mean business and do not intend to let your little song and dance routine go unpunished. If you intend to continue in your impudent ways, rest assured you will have lawyers all over you like Asians at Disneyland. If you know what is good for you get out before we kill you.
Best regards, Al Goldstein VP Summit Entertainment CO

Dear Al, I have deleted my facebook account and taken my website offline, what else do I need to do? Best Regards, Buzzsaw
Darling Buzzard, I really like this nickname, do you mind if I use it? I found you via the internet and I am very glad I did. You see I am a wealthy woman and I am interested in collaborating with you. In particular I would like to make a mask with your face on it. You might be aware that there is nowhere to buy an “Edward” mask and if we make one of your face it will be the next best thing. I am sure it would not sell much in the US but since Asians love Twilight I think that we could do well in that market. It turns out that Asian men even like to read Twilight! Perhaps that is because of the language barrier. Anyway, hey, let’s make a mask with your face. Also I want you to copyright your face as well. It would be very good business. Ta ta, Silvia
Dear Silvia, that is really weird. If you have the money I’ve got the time. At the same time, I am having trouble understanding how I would copyright my face, but if it makes sense to you it makes sense to me. Also if you have this much money why don’t you go to and buy some pictures, I could really use the money! Love always Buzzard

Hi. I am in love with you. And not because of your looks. That does come into play though. Actually I am in love with you because of your role in the Twilight Saga. Signed Dee Dee in Fiji
Dear Dee Dee, thanks, did you like my work? I really appreciate it. If you want to give me a call, I will e-mail you my number. Call  me anytime, seriously. Ian Barnes
Dearest Blizzard, did you know that you are soo much sexy man? I attraction everyday with man like this! So much sexxxy is good! You know I from Lebenon! Many girl love you face works, looks so nice/good. Please love me to be you girlfriend? I hope so. If no Maybe suicide. JK Hahahahahaha! Lovely, Marika
Dear Marika, please seek professional help. Best Regards, Blizzard

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Dear Buzzsaw, hard hitting questions, answers that count!

Dear Buzzsaw I have recently become interested in hypnotism, I also like creating characters for World of Warcraft. Do you have any interesting hobbies? Toni in Duluth
Dear Toni, I am happy to hear that you are contributing to society. I have a lot of experience with hypnotism, since I grew up next door to Madame Larina, the best hypnotist in Bellevue WA. During the years I lived next to her I saw many examples of hypnotism, from the cat who thought he was Edgar Allan Poe, to the fat man who thought he was Marylin Monroe (Norma Jean really). As far as WOW, I am a level 6 warrior with a level 7 spells certification. My hobbies include dancing (hip hop and swing), scrapbooking, and luge. I don’t get to luge much because it is not cold enough here, I am sure you know how that goes. Thanks for your question, I am currently in the bathtub. Love Buzzsaw
Hey Buzzsaw, with all these girls after you, do you find it hard to relax? If yes, what do you do to relax? Sean from London
Hi there Sean. Actually it may seem like a lot of girls are after me, but really they mostly just watch me and don’t actually talk to me. Believe it or not I won tickets to a concert a month ago and I had to go alone because I could not find anyone to go with! That said I do find it hard to relax. I have gone paranoid of being out in public because I keep getting Twidentified and I never know when it will happen! In order to relax I like to play Jenga. I also have a very large estate on Farmville. So if you get the chance to send me some corn or hay, I would love it! By the way, I have been meaning to ask you if your brother Dean is still planning on climbing Mt Everest? Sincerely Buzz
Hey Mr, my dad said that you were unemployable, which is why you don’t have a job. Have you ever considered working at Outback Steakhouse? Love Sara
Dear Sara, your father sounds like a nice guy! Tell him that I have grown accustomed to the hoboe lifestyle and due to my minuscule expense account I have been able to hang around without working. So in short, yes, I am not accustomed to working, I will have to ramp up slowly if I get a job because I don’t want to get hurt. As far as the Outback, no. It sounds awful.  Love Buzz
Hi there, you might not know me, that is because I stalk you on the internet and I am too scared to say anything to you. You know, I think I am in love with you. If I had the chance to meet you, you would get groped for sure. How does that make you feel. By the way, I am a married woman. Sexy Cindy from Syracuse
Hello Sexy Cindy. I must say I am flattered by your interest in me. In fact I am so flattered that I have installed an alarm and a motion detector light on my house. I am sure you are aware of the fact that I do not have a house, it is really a bungalow. If I told you where it was I would be crazy, so I will just say this, it is really dirty. And cold. Anyway, I have to say that you are creeping me out. In a good way. However the fact that you admit to being married is not something that makes me excited to meet you. I have yet to be shot by a jealous lover, and with all the people in this world I should hope I could meet a crazy single girl just as easily as meeting a crazy married woman. So I would greatly appreciate it if you stayed the hell away from me at least as long as you are married. Bye, Ian
Dear Buzzsaw, what do think about globalization? Scott
Dear Scott, this is a difficult question. You see I am not quite sure what globalization is. It is in a long list of things such as the Federal Reserve which I am not able to figure out. I have been too busy trying to be funny to actually contribute to society in a way that will actually help anyone. You might say I am sort of a kook. Anyway, if you do figure it out would you please let me know? I hate not knowing answers to readers questions. Yours eternally, Buzzsaw
Hey, my name is Liz. I am very attracted to you. I have to say that I am not like the others. I like you because your nickname is Dick. Or one of them. The reason I like this is because I am a huge pervert and “Dick” is a slang term for “penis”, so that is why I like you. Do you have one of those? Sorry for all the questions. But I am devoted to finding out the answer to this question. I love you, Dick. And yes I know that your main nickname is Buzzsaw, but you also have the nickname Dick, which no one really uses, but I noticed right away. Also I have read all your blogs. I don’t really like them I just like your nickname. Love you. Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Hi Liz. I appreciate that you have noticed the D-Patz (Dick Pattinson) nickname. I find it unique that you like me for this reason. You did not tell me where you lived, but if you are ever in Seattle we will have to get together for coffee. Sincerely D-Patz PS-You are a kick! Seriously!
Hi Buzzsaw, do you remember me? I saw you in Forks but I never talked to you because you looked like Robert Pattinson. I am in love with him. It is because of this that I am trying to find him. I think that if he meets me I will probably be able to win his heart. In know that at the age of 48 I am a little older than he is, but what I can offer him is experience. You see that older women have experience as lovers, so we have a lot to bring to the table. Anyway, if you meet him will you slip one of the pills I mailed you into his drink. Of course I will take it from there, and thank you. Sincerely Dena the huntress
Hi Dena. You have a very interesting story! I would love to help you with your project. Anyway, do you still have the same phone number that you mailed me? I might have some questions for you in the future. Love Buzzsaw PS-I took one of those pills, it was the best nights sleep I have ever had!
Dear Buzzsaw, I am currently writing a story that recreates Twilight using plankton and cellular biology as characters instead of people! I bet you will really like it! Sincerely, FanficforeverMichelleCullen
Dear Fanfic, it sounds really cool! Let me know when you finish! What a sweet concept. I have always been searching for a way to marry my interest in science with that of pop culture vampire romance, it sounds like you did it! You go girl! Love Buzzard
Dear Sir. I am sure you are aware that you owe us money for the cosmetic surgery that you received from our clinic in December 2008. If you do not pay us, we will be forced to expose you as a fraud. I am sure your fans would be very interested to find out that you are actually a black woman obsessed with Robert Pattinson. We have seen that you are gaining an impressive following online, please do not force us to publish before and after picture (as well as tell people that your real name is Chantelle Tyson), so please send us the balance of $45,978 and we will let you continue in your delusion. Dr Peter Facinelli, Seattle Cosmetic Surgery Clinic, Seattle WA
Dear Dr, I sent you a check last week. You did not get it? Please call me and I will be sure to get this little snafoo straightened out. Chantelle

Monday, November 22, 2010

Ask Buzzsaw! Questions from Around the World!

Dear Buzzsaw/Buzzman I have been a long time fan of yours and I wanted to ask you a sort of personal question. Is that OK? Samantha  in Sydney
Dear Sam, of course it is OK, especially if it is deeply personal. Actually I am kidding, please don’t ask me any questions. Kidding again. It is OK, but remember my mother prereads all of my fan mail so if you do not want me involved in a long awkward convo with my madre, please keep it somewhat decent. By decent I mean anything that will not start a conversation with mom about when I am going to settle down and start breeding. Lastly, I love that you wrote me a question asking if you could ask a question. In closing, Samantha, you can feel free to ask questions anytime you want. I just might not answer them honestly. Especially if they involve money. Love ya, Buzzard
Dear D-Patz why do they call you D-Patz?  Russell C.
Dear Russell C, It is because as Robert Parkinson's fake older brother Richie, I could not use the moniker R-Patz (he already uses it!), also my actual fake story involved going into the witness protection program and a full separation of the Pattinson clan. In short D-Patz stands for Dick Pattinson, my fake abbreviated name. Thanks for asking! Hacksaw
Dear moron, let me out of the locked roof top box. I promise I will not attempt to grope your fans. That is unless they want me to. And I know they do. So let me out you little ninney. I hate you. Signed Dr HS Twilight, best regards.
Dear Dr. Twilight, after the stunts you pulled in Baton Rouge you are permanently on probation. I am currently in the process of working with our defense attorney to try and get them to drop the trespassing and assault charges you have managed to get me involved in during your attempted break-in to the Celtic Studio lot. If I could afford to let you run amuck I would have to be very rich. Sadly for you, I am very poor. So suffer you evil little man! Buzzsaw The Great!
Dear kind sir, my friend had a question to ask you but she is really shy. She wants to know if you would ever be interested in dating a goth, and why or why not? If it is not too much trouble, would you dress as a goth and post the pic? She would love it! Love always Cat!
Hey Cat, you are a really good friend. I am guessing your friend is not a mouse either! Ha! You might be surprised but this is a question I have heard several times this week alone! It seems like I might have a strong gothic following. I really do appreciate the gothic lifestyle, but to tell you the truth Cat, I am not really into heavy make-up and the color black. You see I really like cowgirls and sexy librarians. And for some reason I don’t think I could relax with a goth as a girlfriend. There is just something about going to all that trouble to get dressed and made-up which makes me believe that I would not be a very good goth man. I am really lazy Cat. I am more like a hippie than a goth. All truth be told, since I am not in love, I could actually meet and fall in love with a goth some day, but I have no idea! In the future, I might become a goth! I highly doubt it though! Rock on industrially Cat. Rock on. Buzzsaw PS-Sorry Cat, but it is too much trouble!
Dear Buzzsaw I have been curious for a while, are you a gay? Tom Tom in Philly
Dear Tom Tom, Thanks for asking. My mother wonders the same thing. But as far as I can tell no. Love your Cuz Buzz PS-I am 85-95% sure I am a flaming heterosexual!
Dear Buzzsaw, can you believe that you have to pay for snacks on airplanes now? Marty Stuart
Dear Marty Stuart, I find it kind of shocking that I can take a 4 ½ hour flight and not even get a pack of peanuts. If I was not so disgustingly cheap I would have bought some kind of jerky before I got into this tin can. Unfortunately I am now digesting my stomach lining because I am so hungry. What a pain! Blizzard PS-Marty I loved your mullet in the '80's!
Dear Buzzman, don’t take this the wrong way, but I think you have a big ego. That is why you are trying to be Edward. You even try to tell people that you look like him too. You really just look like Paul Rudd. Duh! Anyway, my friend thinks your hot, but I like your photographer more. He is cute. By the way I am a man. Jane Volterra
Dear Jane Volterra, I love you. Will you marry me? Scuzzsaw

One way ticket to "Pleasuretown!"

Though I did not know before “Pleasuretown” is not very far away. Upon arrival in Dallas/Fort Worth Int. Airport I found the gateway. A casual observer might feel that the oversize Cowboy’s Cheerleaders calendar in the Dallas Cowboy’s team shop were “Pleasuretown”, alas, it is not so. Some might think that TGI Fridays is “Pleasuretown”, but no. Sue Venir’s gift shop brings a gleam to my eye, but yet “Pleasuretown” is not there! I found the gateway to “Pleasuretown” next to “Ropin Ridin” gifts. It is Auntie Ann’s Pretzel shop.
Previous to this encounter I had always had a sick fascination with the fact this organization was still in business. I see now I was wrong to dismiss the pretzel slinging broad as a fad from the ‘80’s. They are selling one way tickets to “Pleasuretown” in the form of a pretzel wrapped hotdog. It looks unassuming. Unpretentious. Yet the alluring voice of “Pleasuretown” is an unmistakable Siren’s song.  Though still full from breakfast I am considering the purchase of my own one way ticket.
To be totally frank (pun intended), I have never purchased anything from Auntie Anne. She has her fingerprints all over it seems. She was in Las Vegas at the Stratosphere sky mall. She is in Seattle. Who eats there? In all my life I don’t recall anyone talking about my aunt Anne. I have an Aunt Jan, but she is not a pretzel maker. It has been several minutes since I have been sitting here watching, but it seems that no one is buying tickets to “Pleasuretown.” I see a man adjusting his luggage, obviously he has pleasure enough in his life. From what I can tell from my seat Auntie Anne’s has two types of “Pleasuretown”, one is salty, the other sweet.
 [I just relocated because two tickets to “P-Town” were purchased, though neither was a pretzel dog.]
Even with the recent pleasure trip, I have a hard time believing that Auntie Anne’s is a destination. It seems more likely that the tickets to “Pleasuretown” are purchased by people in a hurry, who are out of options. Just a moment ago my flight was announced and we were informed that we could purchase a snack pre-flight if we wanted. Now that ticket is looking mighty fine indeed. Will I do it? I am right on the fence. I end this segment of my report to investigate pricing.
[I am now writing on my flight. I would have tried to research the tickets to “Pleasuretown” online, but unfortunately the internet costs $10]
Though I was teetering on the brink of indulging my senses with a one way ticket to “Pleasuretown”, I have managed to extricate myself from the airport without spending any money. The sight of the shriveled dogs, glistening in the pretzel wrapper was tempting yes. But the $3.69 price tag dissuaded me. That said, they give out samples at Auntie Anne’s and I believe I recall a time from yesteryear when I would eat of her bounty. Of course I was as cheap then as I am now and I doubt I bought anything. If I ever bought anything from a mall food court it was usually an Orange Julius, or perhaps a Cinabon.
These guilty pleasures are part of my suburban youth which I will never understand. I think I did stuff like go to the mall out of boredom. There are many times that I think the kids out in the country, with nothing to do but go down to the river, might have it better. At least you can’t spend money out in nature. Anyhow, this is about “Pleasuretown”, I almost forgot!
"Pleasuretown". The name is so sensual. It is so sleek. It makes me think of things like lazer tag, and licorice. Actually what it reminds me of is the Island in Pinnochio where all the boys played and frolicked, and in the end were turned into donkeys. The scene has always terrified me.  “Pleasuretown” reminds me of Las Vegas, which is a city without soul. A place where life is exchanged for “experience” and human endeavor is reduced to a combination of loud noises and airbrushed pictures.
If I end up working in Pleasuretown, I ask the world to put a bullet in my leg. Preferably a small bullet in my calf. Please avoid major veins and arteries if you may as well. I don’t want to sound weak hearted, I am going to be honest here and tell you, I am actually afraid of getting shot. It sounds just awful. Even so, I would still rather be wounded than make a living in Las Vegas, and I sure as hell don’t want a pleasure town weiner. Anyway, I think this is as far as I will be taking this one. See ya alligator! Buzzard

Note: Later during my flight the girl who had been sleeping next to me woke up and we began to talk. It turns out in Florida Auntie Anne’s pretzels are very popular. It is also ironic that her uncle owns a lot of them. She was on her way to meet her dad for the first time. We were both relieved that the other was also a jobless drifter.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Y'all, I am country now!

During the course of my current travels I have been able to enjoy a lot of music. From the French quarter of New Orleans to the bars of Austin. We heard some showy tunes in Vegas, but that city really has no soul. We were only in Houston long enough to spend 58 hours inside the space museum, but unfortunately there was no moon rock. Only copious Boy Scouts. I would have loved to play but I was trying to escape to get here. Austin. This place is my home, I am very much set upon moving here. But a tentative goal for relocation is not what I want to speculate upon, I want to talk about country music.

When it comes to hating music it is important to pick your battles. Many kinds of music are not worth hating. It seems that I hear a lot of people talking a line of bull jive about Justin Bieber. This is sort of pointless. First off he is just a kid. A talented kid. and an adult spending time trying to dissuade his fanbase from adoring him will not happen. I would rather spend time talking about artists I hate who are popular and critically acclaimed. For instance Sting. I find him obnoxious. Dave Mathews. His voice sounds like a strangled chimp/braying donkey. Phish. They don't even write their own lyrics and they are still terrible. If you are that famous and rich it makes sense to pay someone to write decent lyrics. Tom T Hall is still alive, they should hire him. Speaking of Tom T, I want to talk about country music.

I have avoided mainstream country music fairly successfully for the past 16 years or so. Of note is the month I worked at AA Auto in Redmond WA with the guy obsessed with pop-country. I also worked making boat davits with a guy named Swivelhips. He tried to convince me that Taylor Swift was singing country music. Short answer, she isn't. I don't hate her, but what she is singing is pop-rock. In fact much of the mainstream country music is pop rock. I was eating a complimentary breakfast in Baton Rouge and Keith Urban was on TV. a black man filling his coffee said "That ain't country", all I could do was nod in agreement.

One night between Amarillo and Forth Worth Lando decided to listen to the country station. What we heard was hilarious. Between songs that declared with bombast how "country" the singer was and the songs that name drop beer and liquor brands, we heard a true gem. It was a song about getting a party barge, assorted beers and liquors, and how "country" the singer was. The funny thing is that the arrangements are so infused with butt-rock drums and metal guitars that other than a public declaration of "being country" they do not sound country. I find it fairly pathetic that the "country" singers are starting to sound like bad rappers. The similarities are striking. For instance bad rappers often talk about how "gangsta" they are. They also tend to name drop liquor brands. It makes me want to write pop-country hits and I think I have a recipe.

First I will go to WalMart. I will bring a notepad and keep a log of the most common purchases. If anyone asks what I am doing, I will tell them how "country" I am. For instance, I'm so country when I run out of chew, I steal it from my sister, who is also my aunt. It is important for radio hits to hit a broad range of people. So if I sing about meeting a girl at the Waffle House after a night of partying, then going to Walmart, and how country I am, a lot of people will identify. I don't know if you knew this, but I am really country. So country in fact that I love NASCAR. By the way, I am super country. Also, while I am doing various "country" activities such as drinking, I like to try and meet girls who are also really country.

I guess the similarities between pop rap and pop country are not surprising. First of all as far as I know white kids buy more rap than any other demographic. I have spent a lot of time in small country towns and I can attest that the locals are often very into rap and pop country. I remember one evening in Forks when the radio was set on an awful butt rock station. It was so bad that at least 12 people requested it to be changed. Unfortunately a local Forker had picked the station. I found it odd that the out of towners were the ones requesting Waylon Jennings. The local was incensed that we would want to listen to him. I was incensed that we were in an awesome country roadhouse, in a cool country town, surrounded by hard working country people, and we could not listen to classic country. It was depressing. and I am so country that when I want fine dining I go to Sizzler.

Just some of the artists I despise are: Toby Keith, Brooks and Dunn, Toby Keith, Sugarland, Rascal Flatts, Toby Keith, and many others. The reason I listen to country music is the same one Ray Charles gave. The stories. Folk and country music has a long tradition of story telling. Folk music used to be the way people got the news back in the day. Also minstrels would brag about how much mead they could drink and how big of a serf they were. Also all the damsels they would bed. I am so country that when I go to the city people say "Dang, that guy is COUNTRY!"

One of the reasons that pop country is so bad is the production. Of course most of the lyrics are completely vacuous, but the arrangements are obnoxious too. If you were wondering why pop country sounds like mid '80's arena rock, it is because of the producers. Mutt Lange was a butt rocker who moved to Nashville to produce, a lot of other butt rockers moved too. Now pop country sounds like butt rock except for the guy with the over emphasized drawl talking about how country he is. did you remember that I am hella country? You bet your boots! And I like to drink beer! Ha! BEER! Country1 Country girls! WalMart! Trucks! Naked lady mud flaps!

In closing I am really, really country. Buzzsaw.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Musings of a hostage...The Italian Space Stallion!

It has been a wonderful trip. I have seen places I would have never seen. But I think things have gotten out of hand! My current location is the food court of the Kennedy Space Center museum. I from where I am seated I can see the "Blast off Bistro" "South of the Martian Border." If I get up I can see "Moon Wok" "Launch Foods" and at the very end, "Italian Bistro." The "Italian Bistro" saddens me because it seems like a little lost sheep on the end. All the other places are cleverly titled with puns while sad little I.B. is forgotten. They should have just called it "The Rocketino", "The Flying Meatball!"  or better yet, "The Italian Space Stallion". It is a decent food court, as food courts go. If I were to buy anything, which I am not it would be from the "Moon Wok." Since I am extremely poor, I am going to have to be content with smelling the food.

Don't get me wrong, I love space. I even like rocket ships. Unfortunately I am not interested in flight simulators and I already looked at all the space suits. In fact I am more interested paying my Verizon phone bill (I just received a phone call from them, I will continue writing while trying to evade my bill)! Anyone who has attempted to call me since June will understand that there is really no reason I should pay that bill. My phone does not even ring except when a bill collector or my mother calls. Even with the ringer volume turned up so loud that it is distorting, I still do not hear my phone. In order to receive a phone call I have to hold my phone and stare at it until it lights up from an incoming call. For this reason I have stopped even trying to answer the phone. But that is not the worst part of my problems with Verizon wireless...

When I got my "smart" phone, a Druid Arris it was out of an immediate need for a new phone. I was moving out of my house, recording an album, welding a gate, among other things. This was in June as Lando and I were getting ready to embark on the odyssey which included a trip to the Twilight Eclipse premier and a summer in Forks WA. While I was up at my friend Shenny's house working on the album and gate I lost my phone charger. I was without a phone for two days which was terrible. I had been trying to organize musicians, the bank, and "concerned" family members, so I needed that damn phone. I decided that I might as well just upgrade to a "smart" phone. [I interrupt this piece to watch The Combustion Show!  One of the things I am most interested in]

The switch was problematic from the start. At the first Verizon store I went to I was informed that I would have to pay full retail price for a new phone. It was so frustrating that I walked out. It was only when I went to the Southcenter mall that I got

 [I tried to tell my Verizon story only because a bill collector called while I was attempting to write about this food court, but the alarming number of Boy Scouts and the volume of the Combustion Show have thwarted any progress I make. I am ashamed that I did not mention the fact that they have "Solar Salads" and the "Zero G Cafe" as well. Our Australian kidnapper is now waiting on the trolley for the 12:00 tour. So I must end this account. "Go heat, fuel, oxygen! This is what I am hearing. Boom. And Lando just walked around the corner with a jumbo pretzel. The combustion show just ended. "Go Heat, fuel, Oxygen!" Yay! I apologize to the world for this. Buzzsaw.

Note: The Verizon debacle involves 5 stores from The Northgate Mall to Santa Monica California. During the summer I had a "contacts list" which was copied from the internet by hand. This was done by a 15 year old Quielleute girl who was one of our interns. I apologize for not elaborating.