Thursday, June 9, 2011

Things I learned from Craigslist

Anyone who has read more than a few of these here BS Reports is aware that I am huge into Craigslist. For the record I am also interested in The Little Nickle, obituaries, and the Big Nipple (I actually am just funning, but I am sure it exists, go ahead, Google search that...). After reading through various sections on Craigslist, I came to realize that my wheelhouse was the "strictly platonic" section. I have previously mentioned that there are recurring themes on here, not the least common of which is platonic "non-sexual" male on male wrestling. It is to the strictly platonic section what Nguyen is to Vietnamese surnames. But there are others. I felt that since I am just sitting around (after totally getting interviewed for a segment on Evening Magazine) that I might just brief you on some.

Texting buddy. For some damn reason there are literally thousands of people sitting around the office looking for someone to trade texts. In order to prove that I am indeed a truth teller I went to the Birmingham Alabama "Strictly Platonic" section and was sadly disappointed to actually not find one in the first 30 seconds. Instead I found "Leg rub?" which of course was awesome, as well as "Diaper Boy 4 Friends"! These of course fail to illustrate my point, but trust me, a lot of people want to exchange text messages. Being on a limited text plan myself, as well as hating texting I can't seem to identify with this crazy desire to exchange 140 character messages with random strangers found on Craigslist. Of course that leads me to believe that it is probably related in some way to porn, prostitution, or gay porn. Sadly I have been too overwhelmed by the other downright hilarious stuff on here, so I have yet to investigate. Anyone who has the time to check this out, please let me know what you find. You can text me at (206)577-6765! and make it sexty!
I thought you just wanted to exchange ":knock knock jokes"!

"A shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, and maybe, but no I would never suggest it because I am after all a married man (and I TOTALLY am not into sex but it is your call)!" These are nearly as common as the sexting posts. And quite often a lot more interesting.

They often spout nonsense about being misunderstood at home (because THIS guy is TOO into poetry, making homemade bon-bons, and massage). For men, preying on women in unhappy relationships is the fastest and most effective way to get sex. It is as old as the hills I presume, but local hill, Education Hill,  declined to be interviewed for this piece. Instead I will link you to the first one of these sensitive postings that I can find. Luckily it only took me around 15 seconds to find a hybrid of both the text/email and the misunderstood married man (or MMM). It should be noted that the MMM will butter up readers by implying that you must be smart, witty, and sexy (because somehow this genius got duped into marrying some brainless cow who just doesn't understand his superior intelligence). Clearly this is all a facade, but hell, it must work or thousands of people would not be doing it.

"Honey what do you mean you can 'see through it' I told you I will be working late!"

Being sort of a combo between the two myself (not technically married, and don't technically own a phone) I am sort of in "no-mans land" which is sort of fun in it's own way. This means that I have just responded to the "leg rubs" post and I am about to be unavailable. Ciao, Buzzsaw  

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