Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Return of The King!

I decided to call this piece "Return of The King" for several reasons. The first being that I am a huge nerd. If you don't believe me ask me who my favorite harmonica players are and listen for the next hour as I gush about Mickey Raphael, Greg "Fingers" Taylor, James Cotton, Roger Crabtree, Little Walter, Big Walter Horton, Sonny Boy Williamson, Toots Thielman, Kim Wilson, Howlin' Wolf, Sonny Boy Wiliamson II, Grant Dermodee, etc.

Another reason I decided to title it ROTK is because I am in Forks, and this place just might kill me. So I declared myself king, and I am going to make myself a key to the city. In normal situations I would wait until I was given the key, but in Forks it is sink or swim, and I am not waiting. I need to get out of here my friends. In fact, on Friday I am going to go so far as to shave my hair off into a nice summer hair cut and if anyone mentions Twilight to me in a way that is not sarcastic or totally disrespectful (of Twilight) I will punch them in the face. I am OUT!

If you want to understand a bit more about why I have finally snapped. Look at this picture:
This is me as a woman. It is called "stress"!!!
The woman in the picture (who is me) is displaying the externally what I go through internally all day when I am in Forks...

 [I interrupt this piece to tell you that I just overheard the following: "and then he married a lesbian. Who was attracted to men." I am currently in the obscenely difficult to say quickly JT's Sweet Stuffs on the main drag of Forks. I will attempt to find out more about the lesbian, but it seems that they have moved on to talking about ice cream with their kids. Shit. I was VERY curious.]

Anyway, when I am not eavesdropping on ludicrous conversations, I am either getting ogled by Twilighters, talking to the cool oldtimers, or getting called a faggot by future Nobel prize winners in giant trucks. This all happens within minutes. I am on an emotional roller coaster that is unlike anything I have ever heard. And since I am terrible at charging people the amount of money I should, I am quite poor at the same time. At least the guy who was actually in the critically panned Twilight movie made 27 million reasons to make up for his lack of privacy. And I personally doubt that he gets called a fucking queer when he is spotted walking around. He also probably does not have people talking about how they should beat him up when he goes out for a drink. As for me, I take it in stride because I do things like capture on film the rednecks who are harassing me when they stick their genitals inside novelty foam hands and simulate sodomy with their buddies (they had been calling me a faggot all night).

Anyway, the fact of the matter is this. I have gone almost as far down the road as I need to go. The truth is that I have never in my life read a worse series of "books" than the Twilight Saga. I read a lot. In fact I have previously mentioned that not having a TV forced me to read pamphlets when my mom took away the books for bad behavior. So here is what is happening:

After I entertain the ladies of the Older Women's Group (Twilight group) at their prom tomorrow I am shaving off my hair. From that day on I will only speak of Twilight if I am making fun of Stephenie Meyer's crap writing. Of course I still think a lot of the fans are awesome so I will probably leave them alone. But when it comes to those shitty books, I am not holding back. My next entry will be about the overlooked reasons why the Twilight books are worse than garbage.
                                                  Love always, King Barnes of Forks


  1. Give it to 'em gooooooooooof! LOL

  2. this is a monumental step glad you're finally freeing yourself from the twilight chains.