Lost: Austin Texas, October 2011

Help me! I lost my virginity! Just kidding! Here is a look at the lost and found in Austin Texas. My top 3. There were lots of dogs, cats, and jousting sticks, but these stood out.

3) The Post:

Lost trombone (Willowbrook dr Hutto)

Date: 2011-11-03, 9:08PM CDT

606 King trombone. 6 th grade music student needs for band
Jason

Buzzsaw's Inventive Technically Creative Horseshit (B.I.T.C.H.)- When I saw that some dumb bastard had lost a whole trombone I knew I had to open this. I have lost cars and stuff like that, but a trombone is a specialty item. Speaking of Trombones, have any of you ever had to threaten disciplinary action on a radio DJ for saying "Tromboners" during an on air announcement of the college trombone quartet's fund drive of trombone Christmas songs? The tromboners were listening to the radio and were slightly peeved. But back to Austin, its kids! Kids! Those darn kids! Like the four year old who has been asking me if I like "Percules" and "Xena" or asks daily to watch Harry and The Hendersons, and who even now is ordering me to sing but won't allow me to sing about nudies! But she is only 4, and would make me carry the trombone so it wouldn't be lost. ["Come on boy clap" she just ordered me] As far as this kid in Texas goes though, I think it is perhaps more rock and roll.

He is the Liam Gallagher of trombone. Also known as a tromboner.

It is my theory that the kid in Texas perhaps "smashed his shit" or even "lit it on fire" while "rocking the hell out"! He may have left it in a "house of ill repute" while he was "horny" or he got his ass kicked for being in band. These are my theory's. And from what I know about tromboners, it is probably not too far off base. They are wiley bastards and are capable of anything. Especially those who play the "King Trombone"!

You just got "tromboned" and now you are pregnant!

2) The Post:

Lost Jewelry? I can Help (Ft. Hood, Killeen)

Date: 2011-11-02, 4:19PM CDT

I have a metal detector and can help you find it around the parks and areas around here. Send me an e-mail telling me what you lost and where at with the best discription you can. The more info, the better. :) Ill let you know if I found it or not. I do this as a hobby every weekend. I promise you I won't lie about finding it as I have had a ring returned by someone with an ad like this one. Thanks.

B.I.T.C.H.- Do your hobbies include helping random strangers on your days off? Do you help people once a month? Not at all? Well this guy is pounding the parks EVERY WEEKEND! Listening to his beeps and clicks, digging for treasure. And he only wants to return it. Is he a better person than you? Certainly. But that doesn't take much. I know my readers.

You are a terrible, terrible person compared to him. Think about it.

You are what you eat. And these are made of kindness. Perhaps you need a few more.

1) The Post:

Scuba Diver and Boyfriend Left in Florida Water? (Austin)

Date: 2011-10-24, 7:28PM CDT
Does anyone know what ended up happening to the Austin man who went scuba diving a few weeks ago in Florida and was left in the water with his friend? News said he has a family in the Austin area. I guess he left the family at home and made a trip alone to go scuba diving with his special friend, then almost died after the boat left without them.

B.I.T.C.H.- This post was found under lost items. Written by someone who knows how to use Craigslist, but not google. Whoever wrote it is also WAY into the idea that the diver and married father of 6 is gay. Perhaps though it was written by the man himself and it is all an elaborate way to come out of the closet. Of course being creative, I would posit a better way to do that.

Why the elaborate ruse? Just come out!

Closing statement: I hereby solemnly swear that I was not drunk when I wrote this. Seriously.