Tuesday, August 9, 2011

A quick anecdote (which makes old people seem crazy)

I promise I had lots of ideas of hilarious and interesting things to write about. Lately I have been thinking about politics (I think I hate ALL politicians). I have been thinking about money (how I don't have much and I don't believe in the system of credit and the "need" to borrow money). But none of these have inspired me. Sadly I cannot even find a way to lampoon the latest debacle (I am so out of touch I don't know what it is). So I will tell a short and funny (to me) story I heard second hand from my friend Bennett. It goes like this:

Bennett was living with some friends in a small community near Santa Cruz CA called Mount Hermon. It is home to a large Christian conference center, and quite a few vacation cabins. Of course these cabins were mostly purchased many years ago, before they started to cost one billion doll-hairs. Of course Bennett was only renting. For one million doll-hairs a month.

One night Bennett's friend Brian was visiting. Due to lack of parking near the place (the streets were originally built for gnomes and have not been upgraded much), Brian parked around the corner in front of a cabin which looked unoccupied. Except for the sign in front which read "Parking for Schipp only" he didn't see anything that could possibly go wrong. He ended up staying over night, and the next morning he went out to get something from his car.

He was totally unprepared for the tumult which awaited him in the morning. Groggily he opened his car door and was fumbling inside for whatever he was looking for (toothbrush, truth serum, 3D Glasses?) when he heard the door of the unoccupied cabin open. What happened next I tend to picture in cartoon form.

While Brian "innocently" went about his non-business (you understand that he at this point has NO business where he is), a deadly enemy approached. Unbeknownst to our (non)hero, he was in mortal danger. Looking up he saw the stuff of a million nightmares. At the top of the steps near the sign marked "Schipp", stood, what could not possibly be anything but Old Man Schipp himself. Quivering in his murderous state, the old man unleashed a tirade!

"IS YOUR NAME SCHIPP?????!!!!" he bellowed! Without waiting for Brian's response the redfaced hellcat continued as he descended the cabin stairs. "CAN YOU READ THAT SIGN???!!!!!" "IS YOUR NAME SCHIPP????!!!" Which of course was a trap, because the statistical probability of Brian being named "Schipp" was exceedingly low. Presumably he meant first name "Schipp" too, as some sort of geriatric double jeopardy. Brian, stunned by the onslaught, retreated into his car. This is when it got REAL intense!

As Brian fired up his engine to escape the charging Schipp (who had obviously chosen to damn the torpedo's and charge full speed ahead). Putting his car in reverse, he turned his head. Much to his dismay, he saw Mrs. Schipp pulling her car in, essentially blocking him in to the spot reserved solely for Schipp! Schipp himself was shaking, with the veins bulging dangerously far from his head! Pounding his fist on the hood of the car, he pointed at the cabin! "IS THAT YOUR NAME ON THAT SIGN????!!!" "IS YOUR NAME SCHIPP!!!!" By now Brian had possible lost all bowel control (unsubstantiated)!!!

At this point the story gets hazy. Brian may have run away in fear leaving his car in the spot reserved solely for Schipp. Mrs. Schipp may have finally realized that the scene was too insane even for the wife of Schipp. However it happened, Brian escaped the unholy clutches of Schipp. But as he drove away, Schipp let loose his final curse. The final sentence, the judgment of Schipp!

"TO THE FISHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He yelled as Brian slowly and dejectedly left the scene. "TOOOOOOOO THE FIIIIIISHES!" He continued to scream. And I like to believe that perhaps he is still standing there screaming about the Fisches to this day!

Editors note: Mount Hermon is not near any body of water which would be suitable for throwing a full grown man to the Fisches. Also I have no reason to believe that Mr Schipp was a sailor, aside from his name.

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