Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Turn out the lights, the party's over!

On Saturday night I went into the bathroom of a good friends house and shaved all the long sweaty hair off my head (my body of course gets shaved regularly by the bevy of girls who make up my entourage). It felt nice. After what seems like two years of hard and psychologically disturbing work, I feel like my project is nearly done. If you don't know what the project was, briefly, I was collecting stories about my life and adventures which occurred due to the uncanny resemblance actor Robert Pattinson of Ring of The Nibelungs has to me, Sir Buzzsaw. Today I am going to try and give a brief list of just SOME of the things which have happened to me and which will appear in the book (My Name Is Not Edward) which I am going to be trying to finish this winter.

1) I had so many people ask me if I was him that I had to make up a word (twidentified).

2) I ran a shop in Forks WA where my sole source of income was from selling pictures of myself with tourists. I supported not only myself but my photographer/friend Lando as well.

3) Went to Los Angeles for the premier of Twilight Eclipse (which was HILARIOUS in its inaccuracies). Met many people, and caused Richard Pattinson to do a double take when he walked past

4) Was in two parades in Clallam County. The Forks Old Fashioned Fourth of July parade which sucked because the chamber of commerce (who are idiots) strong armed me into being in it by acting as if I was screwing the town over by not attending (I got called "gay ass Edward" right after, so I guess my instincts were correct). The parade for Quileute Days was great! I got to ride on a fire truck with a bunch of native kids throwing out candy. We were squishing them inside the package, which is funny unless you open them to eat them. We did not. 

5) Had to improvise when our photo printer broke (effectively taking away what we thought was our product). Because of that we went to Portland and the filming locations of Twilight. I learned that instead of wanting to beat me up (like some of the local Forkers), people in Portland thought I was a celeb. That was weird, but a welcome change. Made friends in the towns of St Helens and Carver OR.

6) Learned to take everything I hear in Forks with a grain of salt. There is not much entertainment out there, so "creative embellishment" is a pastime. On the big Twilight holiday, instead of the "thousands" we were told to expect, there were mere 120's. So we did not make up any of the money we hope to after losing our printer. We were running on fumes, it was raining, oh, and my truck had a blown head gasket!

7) The most helpful people will not be those you most expect. It was not the rich lawyer who told us she would help us who did. Instead it was a considerably less wealthy (also shorter) Australian twi-mum who did the most for us. In November Lando and I headed out on the road from Seattle bound for Baton rouge LA with our Aussie friend Anita. The trip was awesome, the road was long, and it was the beginning of the end.

8) I learned that writing can save your mind. A friend advised me to start a blog (so if some producers were interested in me I would have product). If I had known how much fun it is to publish lies and half truths on the internet, I would have started blogging years ago! It also helped me when I got tired of working on my book. Which was all the time.

9) Driving a car without registration is only a problem if you know about it. I ended up going to Canada to scout the Twilight filming, and besides getting searched when I told them I was a musician, the unregistered car went unnoticed. When I got my truck running again, I was happy to be legal. Also I was happy I did not catch fire when my fuel injectors were shooting gasoline onto my hot engine block while driving to work one day...

10) I learned that the real Robert Pattinson's friend Lee MacDougall got his mind blown when I went to his concert. He thought I should be working for the real McCoy. Speaking of the real McCoy, a crazy Asian named "Joe Cool" found me in Forks in July 2010 and told me I was "The Real McCoy." I will take it.

That is in no way a comprehensive list. I have been analyzed by a psychologist, chased through hardware stores by Twihards, seduced a Canadian prison guard (which led to scoring an awesome girlfriend), and much more. All I know is that I am done for now. Stay tuned to for my Evening Magazine debut, and anything else in the works. And though I shaved my hair and retired, if you are a Twihard and want to hire me, all it means is that the price just went WAY UP! Sincerely, Barnes

PS-If any of you want to buy my famous truck, or the car we drove to Baton Rouge in, let me know. Also, we have pictures of all of this. Except the prison guard.

1 comment:

  1. So I guess we got in just under the wire with last week's party? Timing is everything! I'm monitoring King 5 in Seattle for the Evening Mag segment.