Tuesday, August 16, 2011

King of Crazy

Through the years I have become sort of a connoisseur of crazy. The people I have gotten to work with, live with, and communicate with have often included the borderline insane (I am not including myself). Today, in lieu of actually thinking of something "original" I hopped on Craigslist in Washington DC, and within one minute found a man who is positively mad. Deranged. Or at least completely socially inept. Here is what he posted, with my comments peppered throughout as well as illustrations [you will know the comments are mine because they will be snide, and inside these here brackets].

Looking to Relax with a New Friend over a Pinot-tini-pint someday - m4w - 51 (Ballston)
[yes, I find the name "Ballston" hilarious, also "pinot-tini"]
HHHHEEEELLLLPPPP!!!!! I'm surrounded all day long by 20-somethings!! They talk all day about music I've never heard of, they have evolved these overly grotesque thumbs from all the non-stop texting, they change their hair 7 times a day -- put it up/take it down/put it up/take it down. . . - so much it makes me dizzy. Now don't get me wrong, they are nice to look at, but I swear if I hear the word "Wwhhaateeevvveerrrrrrr" or "thank YO" just one more time I am going to jump out my 7th floor office window!!!  [I have never heard anyone say "thank YO" but I am sure it is grating as all hell. It must be if it is going to drive this man to suicide the NEXT TIME HE HEARS IT!]
"Yes, I have UNLIMITED texting!"

Goodness, is there anyone out there who even knows who Gomez Addams was??? Now that I think about it, actually he always WAS one of my idols. . . Ah, the man in the pin stripped suit with no visible means of support!! Whispering "Cara Mia" while kissing Morticia up and down her arm while she wears that ridiculously tight black dress snipping the buds off of roses.. . "Oh Gomez dahling. . ." However, if that is the extent of Gomez' romantic life (as I suspect it just might be) I can fully understand why he withdraws to his den to blow up toy trains! [I would love to tell you the meaning of this paragraph, but as previously mentioned, the writer is clearly insane, as blowing up toy trains is fun no matter what is going on in your life]
"The extent of my romantic life my foot!"

As for me, I am a youngish 51 (or thereabouts. . .LOL!) year old white male stuck on the hamster wheel I call my life. . .. Bored, financially and emotionally secure. I am a funny, intelligent, warmhearted and honest, easy-going, non-smoking professional. (Now I am not a Leper, I am not some distant relative of Saddam. . .. Because I workout 6 days a week I take 13 showers a week - minimum, so I am squeaky clean and have perfect teeth. I am a card-carrying member of the human race, I love dogs, cats even some spiders, my biggest fault is that I sometimes forget to signal my lane changes -- and oh yes. . . I am married. And in spite of all the above -- I know that's not everyone's cup of tea).
 [This paragraph is a whopper. Starting with his age (or thereabouts) which he seems to find hilarious. I will tell you what is not hilarious. Lying about your age on Craigslist. If you are not 51, you may as well say it. Either way this half truth is not something to LOL about! Dick! And it seems he is paid not to smoke. That must be a great gig! He also clarifies that he is not a leper, which given the rarity of the disease, is no great feat. At least we know that his fingers didn't fall off while typing this. I find it odd however that he "proves" that he is not "some distant relative of Saddam"...because he works out 6 days a week and shower 13 times per week. Minimum. And while the author is a "card carrying member of the human race (note cards?business cards? Pokemon cards?) he is perhaps semi literate at best. Though it is nice to know that his greatest fault is changing lanes without signalling. Which is much worse than trying to CHEAT ON A SPOUSE!]

If you are still reading, I am willing to engage in conversation on most any topic (but politics bore me and religion gets me in trouble, so I resist - but everything else is fair game). I love to laugh and make others do the same. I am told I am easy on the eyes though I really can't recall whose eyes were talking at the time. I am physically fit -- as I said I work out six times a week - yet in spite of this, when I step on the bathroom scale - well it doesn't scream - but I do think I hear a slight groan... Sigh.
[Talking eyes? What the hell? And he confesses that he is fat.]

Looking for an intelligent, witty, down to earth, curvy / voluptuous lady with a nice sense of humor who would like to email/chat during the day and perhaps cultivate a friendship with someone new and interesting! Ethnicity and body shape are of no matter at all, though I will admit being partial to curves. If this sounds like you then stop reading and start typing already!!
[He likes them big and curvy.]

Oh yes, someone just recently asked me to describe the ideal first date:
[There is no way anyone has ever asked him this question. It is a complete falsehood.]

Looking soulfully into each other's eyes, our fingers meet. We sit in the silence as each of our breaths fill the room, I reach out and touch your cheek as your eyes dance in the candlelight. We sit there gazing out over the moon's reflection in the water, caught up in the rapture...
[Several problems with this "perfect date" come to my attention. To begin with, it is hard for fingers to meet while looking "soulfully" into the other persons eyes. If they do this in movies they cut to s shot of the fingers, because it is nigh impossible. Second, your breath is never silent, and even if it was, if it filled the room YOU WOULD DIE!!!! So I guess what I am saying is that this man wants to kill you.]

jkOr, we could just go bowling...
Editors note: Hope you enjoyed that, and if you want to get ahold of him, please send me all your banking info and social security numbers etc. I will see what I can do.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Ian. I so needed a good laugh tonight. Thanks so much.