Thursday, September 22, 2011

How to fly to Australia (like a total rock star)!!!!

I am currently sitting in the “coach” section of a United Airlines flight en route from San Francisco to Sydney AU. To begin with, I am simply happy to be here (that is unless we plunge into the Pacific at some point, or a baby starts caterwauling). It was tense at the gate, flying standby; I was terrified that I would miss the plane, and thus my connecting flight from Sydney to Adelaide. Needless to say, I made it. But the fact that I was pacing the concourse muttering vulgarities when I thought I would not be called is less interesting than the items presently of note.
Item 1: Business class. Yes, I am in coach, and if I had chosen to fly out tomorrow I could have gotten the upgrade. Unfortunately for me, but fortunately for you, I can only watch the proceedings up there through a mesh screen. This is what I know about business class. Clearly there is a lot of towel play up there. The one man I can see has a towel draped over his shoulders (which he much enjoys). He was also delivered a towel after his meal. I just saw one of the flight attendants flourishing a towel, an extra towel that she draped over the food/towel cart, just perhaps to flaunt the fact that they have as surplus of towels. In the coach section I see nary a napkin, let alone, a soothing, milky, delicious towel…
Item 2:  The classical music. It is said that classical music makes your brain grow. If this is truly the case I plan on growing my brain at an alarming rate. I have been listening to classical music (sonatas and symphonies for the idiots out there) for OVER AN HOUR!!!!! By the time we touchdown that will be more like 12 HOURS! Which in my opinion is similar to being a genius!
Item 3: Pirates of the Caribbean. Number 3? Watching without sound, I will attempt to summarize it. I do not think this is the first movie, I have yet to see Orlando Gloom. But let me try and summarize it for you. At some point the gay handicapped British naval officer was peeping at Depp (who is sort of a cross between Bob Marley and that pick up artist guy). The officer had a “moment” with a closeted naval officer. Also Johnny Depp's dad (they look the same) was making the ropes turn into the snake from Anaconda and tie up Depp’s men on their own volition (in a painful sequence I call “Rope-Anaconda). Also the female lead is very good at fighting without getting dirty. I then stopped watching in order to eat. When I looked up the useless guy who was previously tied to the mast was stabling a hot mermaid through the tail. Now Depp and the female lead (she is wearing a hat I think I saw Sheryl Crow wearing) are in a jungle. The mermaid is pining to death in a tiny aquarium. Zombie Laurence Fishburn is hoping to kill the mermaid. Now Depp is flirting with Sheryl Crow. Funny, he kind of looks like Kid Rock might look like if he were gayer and a pirate. Well, since this movie is bound to last for another 8 hours, I better stop watching it. It stands to reason that the idiocy which is the Pirates of The Caribbean series will undo all the work that classical music is accomplishing in my mind. I cannot risk this.
Item 4: The chicken meal. Having seen the movie airplane, and knowing what airlines can do to “meat” I opted for the ravioli. It tasted like a Hungry Man dinner. Decent.
Item 5: I would like to thank my friend, code name L.O.G. for getting me a buddy pass. It allowed me to fly for $372 from San Francisco to Sydney. That my friends, is a very good thing. For now, I bid you farewell.
Postscript: This movie is almost making me wish they were showing Avatar. Not really, but sadly that might be an improvement. Several of the passengers have freaked out and had to be restrained. If they were listening to the “movements” I am engrossed in, their lives might have been stable enough to allow them to watch this vulgarity. I am depressed to inform you that it was a huge hit. A terrible and huge blockbuster.

Postscript two: The “piece” I am listening to has a refrain which was lifted directly from Alan Shermans “Camp Granada”! See, I am already getting smart!

Of note: We now have four hours left. The in flight movies were: Water For Elephants, in which Robert Pattinson does all he can to be taken seriously and Reese Witherspoon has a weird chin. Next we watched  Rio (I wish we were watching Brazil). It was like every Pixar movie, I could summarize it by taking a review from Toy Story and changing the characters and setting.  But that is uninteresting. In front of me an Aussie guy is trying to drink himself to sleep (6 wine bottles in three hours). He has been cut off by the flight attendants. His last bottle was delivered about 20 minutes ago, and the flight attendant said it would be the last for awhile. So he rang the bell, and when she arrived she asked him if he needed a bikkie. He drunkenly said “you’re not gonna like this” at which point she told him that they had been discussing it and he was getting cut off for the time being. She brought another attendant up to help say no. Lastly, the man with the towels is now completely draped in a bundle of white. He could be a polar bear for all I know. Thank god he isn’t hungry. And the drunk guy was asleep less than a minute after his last attempt at wine. That is all for now.
Of note: we are now watching a Discovery channel show in which people do their jobs. Perhaps it is called “Marble Slab Extractors” or “Snow Slabbers” because they are doing that.
The current situation: Drunk guy roused himself and has attempted to get wine twice. I think he is currently asleep. Instead of a movie, they are showing an episode of “House” in which Hugh Laurie grimaces, pops pills and acts like a dick, all while saving lives. It also seems odd to me that at this hospital the staff will go to your home and go through your things to figure out what is wrong with you. Perhaps they are doing this for all the illegal aliens who are sucking the American health care system dry. Also in this episode, Hugh Laurie hobbles a lot. I find it amazing that they continue to find subject matter for this show. Oh, and some guy tried to kill himself, the nurses went and looked through his freezer, showing each other his steak. House is as watchable as road striping.

No comments:

Post a Comment