Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Riding Lessons!

As my readers surely know, the sheer volume of mail I receive on an hourly basis makes the inbox at look as empty as a supermodels stomach at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade! One of my most passionate readers named Laci has even been asking me every hour on the hour for "riding lessons"! Now that is funny! Not only am I extremely limited in the "coordination" department, but the last time I even rode a horse I fell off! Chalk that up as one of those "trying to shoot a basket while on horseback" type deals! Ha! Well I figured that the next best thing would to be to do what sounds closest, "writing lessons"! So here you have it, the official BS report on "how to write"!

Goodbye horsies! I won't be needing you now!
Step one to being a good at writing is quite simple really. Never under any circumcisions write if you are in any way happy. It would be preferable for an aspiring writer to be stone dead than to be content, or God forbid, ecstatic! Just think of all the dead or dying writers who killed themselves! Ernist Himmingway, Hunter S. Thomas, Thomas Kinkaide, and the lisp goes on! Anger is the spice in the stews which are "books" as well as "pamphlets" & "textbooks"! Please, do not leave home without it.

Step two is a simpleton as well. Please underline the following (if you are writing on your computer monitor be sure to use PERMANENT markers): Truth is sort of important, but not really. At the end of the day, will your reeder say "Gee, that pamphlet about my gun safe sure was truthful!" No writer would want that. A truthful pamphlet is just about as memorable as the results from your geriatric fathers last stool sample. After awhile the truth sort of blends together into a brown color or maybe gravy grey. What your stool sample (pamphlet, book, textbook etc) needs is those little pieces of corn, or the purple color which comes from eating only beets! Make your writing "pop" no matter what it takes. The history of the world is created by those with a knack for storytelling, it is how we GET THINGS DONE!

Step three to becoming a great writer is to be born a genius. This is a wonderful addition to anyone's "toolbox" without which I would only be writing for free on the Internet instead of as a WEBSITE OWNER OPERATOR! So if you want to play with the big boys, this little asset is a "must have"!

Step four is to never overestimate your reading audience. If you do the fear of defeat will destroy you like a modern day Icarus! One step I take before I put fingers to keyboard is to picture my audience as a work gang of prisoners. Or as a large and lovely gaggle of naughty nurses. Another special favorite of mine is to pretend that my readers are trapped as geisha in a Japanese geisha house, and only my brilliance (and rugged sexuality) can save them. My readers need me. Without me they would die! At the very least they would be taken advantage of by aging Japanese businessmen. In other words, I am VERY IMPORTANT!

Step four is that the writer is always right! Or write! No matter what, any negative feedback is created by simpletons and chippies. Treat any "you might try doing _____" as a ducks back would treat water. It is not to be minded. Do you think S. Scott Fitzjerald would listen if he were told The Grate Gatsby was a steaming heap of whale dung? You can rest assured that he would not! He would have challenged his critics to a jewel!

Step D is simply this, a writer is his own best friend. Get over the fact that others will do that for you. As such it is key to champion your own work. In the modern day of Internet writing, this can be accomplished by creating multiple accounts on various social media through whom you can give yourself positive to glowing reviews! Or positively glowing reviews. Only remember not to give yourself HIV positive reviews. And if you do have an audience which is smarter than "dumber than a spoonful of idiots" you may want to make sure you have several computers with different IP addresses (I am lucky not to have to worry about this, I do not know what an IP is!). Please, enjoy step D and be safe.

So there you have it, a simple 12 step program on becoming "being good at writing"! I hope you like it, you really have no choice!

No comments:

Post a Comment