Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Vote For ME!!!! (American as apple pie!!!!)!!!!-

Having recently relocated from Seattle to South Australia the approaching summer is making me very happy. Of course the whole not having terrible traffic thing is OK as well. But there is more. Next year is 2012, and aside from our impending doom due to the end of the Mayan calendar, the good old US of A is facing an even greater threat. The presidential election! Now some of you may not view it as a threat, but in my experience there is almost nothing worse in a first world country than “election year”! I decided to utilize the bulk of my limited intelligence to detail in list form just why I hate election years so much. The following is based solely on opinion, my opinion. If you disagree, I hope you enjoy being incorrect. Thank you. PS- I used some "foul language" so if you hate that, you have been warned!

I LOVE my country! And I HATE my cat!

            10) It ruins all media:
           An American election year our media industry’s proverbial “box of porn next to the couch in the woods”. Not that they were particularly hard up for stories, but like said box, it takes away their need to run around looking for them. I am sure this has something to do with the way our elections are staggered so that we have something going on all the time. In an elaborate scheme of deviltry the media agency’s have conspired to keep us constantly approaching a vote of sorts, giving them “news” to report…this thing could be big…but I diverge.
                During election year the general populace are paying closer attention to their news than on “off” years. This allows even the most non-event happenings to suddenly become a big deal. Not only that, but the politicians are feeding the PR machine with as much money as they can, the ones with the most money probably getting the most interviews. Our whole media system is awash with politics. It is a dog and pony show of epic proportion. Not only do you hear politics on talk shows, but our comedians are writing jokes about it, and more than likely Conner Oberst will have a musical outburst about it. Of course what you are hearing is probably not true either, so have fun trying to make sense of it. Luckily you can always turn off the TV and go home for the holidays…

9) It ruins all holidays
You thought you were going to celebrate a Thanksgiving dinner and just reflect on what good things you have enjoyed in the past year! Ha! You’re fucked! Remember the dog and pony show? Well the holidays are the perfect time for American politicians to flaunt their: religious convictions/revere for the American military/their love for poor people/general inability to be mere mortals in an effort to get sweet, sweet government jobs. This will be covered by the media in the form of speeches, press conferences next to monuments, or by showing a smiling candidate standing at a homeless shelter smiling a toothy grin (while he is contemplating how he can capture the homeless in order hunt them for sport)! And that is if you are lucky! I come from a family not really given to political debate, and our holiday fights usually involve someone  being late or something petty like the type of baste used on the turkey. We are probably part of the one percent. The rest break down something like this:
You have two bitter enemies facing off against each other, or you have a group of people patting themselves on the back (and being wrong). The first group is fairly obvious. I am sure that sometimes the arguments are pure political ideology disagreements. They are still a pain in the ass, and when you know that Uncle Mark and Uncle Kevin are going to be at each others throats if the national debt comes up, you can bet that the rest of the family will try to avoid the subject like Superman with kryptonite condoms. But it will come up. It is not like the pugilists have forgotten their war, it more than likely has been going on since long before the two uncles became interested in politics. Quite possibly these two just always hated each other and the national debt is a nice way of finding a neutral ground on which to war. Either way, a political argument will ruin a holiday faster than Steven Segal could punch your face in!
The other way your holiday could be ruined is through a self indulging “hurray for our side” gathering. This happens when a group of people who know enough to pick a side and cheer strongly for it get together. Be they Republicans or Democrats, whenever you are surrounded by a chorus of opinionated and vocal people, you are being a fucking idiot. I don’t care if you are 90% correct about all things political (probably not possible, but this is all made up bullshit anyway), you are still going to completely wrong about some aspect of it. But because you are in a group that parrots out talking points and agendas (or need the validation that comes from raising your kids to be exactly the same as you), you are in short, fucked. Though you may have a “happy” group, chances are that anyone who feels slightly different about things will simply write you off as dickbrained fuck, and your chance of influencing him to your side is gone. But the ones who need to feel constantly affirmed are not the ones actually trying to win people over. They simply want a fight (then a victory party where they smack each others asses).
8) It causes undue stress
An election year in the States is one of the most stressful things you can experience. For me personally I start to second guess everything. I feel guilty about not paying close enough attention. Then I feel guilty for paying attention to a couple of bastards talking out of their asses. Next I worry that I will start an argument with a friend causing unneeded discord. An American election year is like walking through a minefield/funhouse/set for a Japanese game show!
Take work for instance, there are just certain parts of your life which should not be turned into heated debates. Hungry after a long morning making boat davits you are relieved to hear Robert Hager say “LUNCH TIME” so you get your lunch out of the fridge. You go upstairs to eat with Robert (he ate the same sandwich everyday and an apple). Sitting in the dingy room you are relieved that at least for a half hour you can relax. Then without looking up Robert says “IF ‘BAMA GETS ‘LECTED HE’S JUST GONNA HELP OUT THE COLORED PEOPLE!!!!” In order to get the conversation closer to sanity you add “Robert, ‘Bama is half white you fucking jackass!! What makes you think he is only gonna help the “colored” people?” “OH SURE! I SEEN IT ON THE TV!” Realizing the futility of the situation you run down to the company computer (the password was: boat), hoping for a laugh. So you log onto facebook to check your news feed…
It is filled with things like this:
“If you are proud to be proud to be American re-post this status on your wall. Most of you are turncoats and will not do this. This is because you have no soul.”
Try and be relaxed when this is going on. By the time it is time to get back the making boat davits you are glad about it. Just imagine working in an office job. At least Robert is not prejudiced, he is just a relic of my country’s not too recent past.
7) It is like gambling, but with no chance to win money and a non-existent  pay off!
Americans like to talk about money when they talk about politics. Not the obscene amount of money that the candidates need to have in order to market themselves enough to become potential candidates, but the money that we will lose through taxes if candidate ______ gets elected. Of course like the rest, a huge percentage of these conversations come straight out of the speakers ass (just like this blog). But it can make you feel like you are actually going to see more money if certain things happen. While this may be true to some extent, for the most part it seems like a bunch of bull shit. I am willing to bet that the money we actually save or lose through taxes is pretty much the same whichever group of brain surgeons are in office. And to answer the debate, yes dumbass, your taxes will go up this year.

6) It makes you feel dirty even if you have a good time
One of the main activities of an election year revolves around making jokes at the expense of the opposite group. The problem with this is political jokes are low hanging comedic fruit, and the market gets flooded with terrible punch lines and retreads of humor that was stale in the neolithic period. Not to mention the fact that jokes making fun of other people in general will make you feel sort of shitty. They will either give you an overinflated sense of self worth, or they will make you feel guilty for being a dick and making fun of the stupid man with the fat, sausage like fingers. No matter what, a full season of political humor will turn you into the guy everybody hates to party with. And it will make you dumber and less discerning with your humor. I would much rather see a resurgence of Three Stooges type antics than hear whatever witticism Jon Stewart and his team of crack writers can come up with. Better yet, let the politicians act out classic Stooges scenes for our amusement. I would love to see ‘Bama eye poke Sarah Palin, her lenses hurt his hand, then she gives him an ear twist and a “Why I oughta! Why I oughta!” while marching him around the room. Of course what I am imagining is possibly some of the lowest hanging fruit around…
5) It breeds mistrust
The object of a political candidate is to make a majority of people believe that he is the better option for whatever office he is running for. This is a recipe for slander. And if not slandering the politicians are working their asses off to make themselves look like great people. Of course they are lying. Or at least it looks that way…And the media. They are simply trying to elect people they want, so they don’t tell the truth. Or do they? Are they truly just being objective (probably not). No matter what, by the end of an election year a true American will be off his rocker with paranoia. This seems to be the objective of the whole thing. Hell, I bet most of you don’t even trust me! But trust me, I am a trustworthy source of information.
4) “Election Year” takes more than one year
The true fallacy of an election year is that they have named it “Election Year”! In reality it probably takes 4 or maybe 6 years. Though (I am making a guess) candidates cannot officially campaign before election year, they all do. Unofficially. Prior to “Election year” notable and notorious potential candidates will strive to remain in the media. Some go so far as to get caught in sex scandals just for the press, but sadly America is not Italy so it rarely works. In years leading up to elections, politicians will be sure to release books and make speaking tours, though they only hint at whether or not they will run. Of course they will be seeking funds the whole time. The amassment of which will allow them to seek more power. The years leading up are almost worse because of the facade everyone can see through. For example: Sarah Palin, who has not stopped campaigning since 2007. Of course you do have the actual election year. Which is fucking awful.
But after the men are elected, doesn’t it all get quiet? Yes, for about 4 minutes. And then the speculation begins. The side that lost the election will be bound and determined to make the side in office look terrible. The ones who won publicizing their great work. This continues until the Congressional election and the whole thing begins again…
3) It makes you feel stupid
I am sure a man exists who knows the best way the world should be run. That man would probably get his ass kicked a lot. He would learn to stop talking so the frequency of beatings would flag. No matter how smart you are, or even how wise, there is not much hope of coming to a very clear understanding about the world of politics. There are simply too many factors. Even the smartest people in the world are almost constantly making the wrong decisions in the world of government. Think about that from the point of view of the average person. It is mind boggling when you try and make a choice between two candidates. It is a mind numbing whirl of acronyms and statistics, not to mention constitutional law and science bullshit. All I can say is that after I watch the circus, I feel my (abounding) ignorance is growing by the day. It is difficult to process all the frivolous information, let alone the important stuff. Human beings are limited organisms, elections are more than we can handle.

Hat's off to you America!
2) Celebrity Endorsements
I would rather be groped by a group of menopausal chimps than subjected to the political opinions of any celebrity less insane than Ted Nugent. At least “The Nuge “ is entertainment incarnate. Of course in my country, we love our celebs. So much so that we export even our reality show celebrity mills are sent overseas (to make us look even more ridiculous?). During 2012 I am expecting a banner year. Rest assured that Oprah will find her way out of retirement to wax philosophical with Ashton Kutcher, Billy Bob Thornton and Heidi Montague. The cast of characters employed to stand on stages and on beaches revealing their bloaty beach body’s (when they are in need of a career boost) will suddenly leap from our TV sets and assault our brains with their political savvy. Also, Toby Keith is sure to do something ultra-“American” which will increase his record sales and his chance for becoming governor of Oklahoma. Of course we cannot forget the forgettable campaign songs that pollute the auditory landscape. Michelle Bachman-Turner-Overdrive, lookout for some really horrific things being spoken, sung, and broadcast during 2012!
1)In America we like having only two choices
It makes no sense to me that our country has been essentially run by two groups for at least the past 100 years or so. Two. Two choices, obviously they are the best two possible choices in our country, but seriously two? In theory we have “infinite” political party’s, but the truth is two. Two. The best two choices. Of course ONE of those two choices is completely fucked! Evil! Hell bent on destruction of the human race! A bunch of morons! Evil! Two choices! One of them comprised of murderers and evil bastards! There are two choices, one of them right, noble and A M E R I C A N. And one of them the worst people in the world. The choice is obvious. Will you make the right choice?

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