Sunday, December 5, 2010
Saturday, December 4, 2010
How to write BS
This morning around 5 am I woke up. At this time I had nothing to do except try to get back to sleep. Of course this was a futile exercise and perhaps I should have gotten up and written the BS report I was inspired to write. At least I should have written down the idea, because as soon as I thought of it I knew it would take about 15 minutes and would probably make both of my deranged readers laugh at least once. Sadly for them, I neglected my duty, instead lying in bed for another two hours. I forgot the great idea about two minutes after I thought of it and spent the next 35 trying to remember. That said, I thought that for lack of anything better I would take you through my process of writing, it is truly amazing. To be honest, I was tempted to make up a bunch of lies about my rituals, going to such lengths as claiming to do 11 push-ups, but even for me this is to great an exaggeration. So I will stick mostly to the truth.
Sometimes, like last night I have an idea and I can sit down and write the thing fairly quickly. For example when I decided to write my horoscope, I was working on painting a bedroom. I have always thought that signs of the zodiac and horoscopes are totally bunk. It is sort of an obsession with me. What inspires me are the people (usually women) I am talking to and they think they "understand" me because of our conversation. They will then inevitably ask me what my sign is, and if I tell them they say "yep, totally." This has always bothered me because if the stupid thing were real they should be able to tell me what astrological sign I am simply based upon my behavior. Any student of the zodiac who has to ask, in my opinion needs to either study more, or give it up.
When I decided to do my horoscope the first thing I had to do was look up the astrological signs, because to be honest I always thought them so dumb I never memorized them. I was able, through the powers of the internet to find a web-based horoscope that was also extremely vague. I had planned on writing a very vague piece, because this is how the writers of horoscopes are able to hook readers. If you say enough vague things about people who are naturally interested in mumbo jumbo, you will eventually print something that "fits." Of course I lost interest in this direction right away.
I had intended to write "lucky numbers" for each sign, but after writing the first set I got lazy. Then a couple signs later I decided to write more, then I realized it was easier and funnier if all the numbers were the same. This was a real victory. I think I tried to write semi-realistic entries until about 1/3 of the way through. Then I just gave up and went crazy. Somewhere about 2/3 of the way through I grew tired. At this point I decided that it would be fine if I simply cut and pasted from the actual horoscope. I intended to change them, but then I realized that they were fine on their own. I finished quickly, found an obscenely weird picture of a fortune teller, and put that at the top of the report. Then I pushed the "publish" button and went about my business.
On this particular day I had been painting a bedroom all day. It was during this time when I became inspired to write the horoscope. So instead of working on my book project first, I jumped right into my BS, as you might have gathered it is good to strike when the iron is hot. So when I got done I still had to write 2,000 words about my trip to Japan in 2005. It was not too bad, but by the time I was finished I was pretty tired. Unfortunately as 21st century writer, I had to check up on my Facebook and Twitter accounts. Facebook was fine but a problem arose on Twitter. A young woman from Kansas was pitching a fit because I forgot her sign. I was at first apologetic because I thought I must have forgot, then I checked my blog.
The interesting thing about all technology is that it is flawed. The flaw with this program is that for some reason it does not like copy and paste very much. I have had problem taking files from other programs before, and such was the case here. The entire last 1/3 of the piece was represented by an empty screen, at least on the main page. So here I was at 11:30 at night and I needed to figure this out so some woman from Kansas would leave me alone.
At first I tried to get the copy and paste function to work. After 7 tries I realized it was to no avail. Then I rewrote the last section. When I pasted it in I thought it was fine. Unlike the first time, this time I previewed the page before uploading. I was infuriated to find that though the piece was intact, there was a large blank space in the middle of the blog. So I went back into the edit function, only to discover that I had copied and pasted the old part 5 or 6 times, so I had to erase it. Finally I was finished. I published the piece and posted it on Twitter for my Jayhawk friend. Then I finally laid down in bed. Of course by this time I needed to relax so I read for an hour and at one am, I turned out the light. And that is how BS is made. Love BS
PS-I also try to spell check, but I am always trying to find ways to "explain away" bad grammar and spelling.
Sometimes, like last night I have an idea and I can sit down and write the thing fairly quickly. For example when I decided to write my horoscope, I was working on painting a bedroom. I have always thought that signs of the zodiac and horoscopes are totally bunk. It is sort of an obsession with me. What inspires me are the people (usually women) I am talking to and they think they "understand" me because of our conversation. They will then inevitably ask me what my sign is, and if I tell them they say "yep, totally." This has always bothered me because if the stupid thing were real they should be able to tell me what astrological sign I am simply based upon my behavior. Any student of the zodiac who has to ask, in my opinion needs to either study more, or give it up.
When I decided to do my horoscope the first thing I had to do was look up the astrological signs, because to be honest I always thought them so dumb I never memorized them. I was able, through the powers of the internet to find a web-based horoscope that was also extremely vague. I had planned on writing a very vague piece, because this is how the writers of horoscopes are able to hook readers. If you say enough vague things about people who are naturally interested in mumbo jumbo, you will eventually print something that "fits." Of course I lost interest in this direction right away.
I had intended to write "lucky numbers" for each sign, but after writing the first set I got lazy. Then a couple signs later I decided to write more, then I realized it was easier and funnier if all the numbers were the same. This was a real victory. I think I tried to write semi-realistic entries until about 1/3 of the way through. Then I just gave up and went crazy. Somewhere about 2/3 of the way through I grew tired. At this point I decided that it would be fine if I simply cut and pasted from the actual horoscope. I intended to change them, but then I realized that they were fine on their own. I finished quickly, found an obscenely weird picture of a fortune teller, and put that at the top of the report. Then I pushed the "publish" button and went about my business.
On this particular day I had been painting a bedroom all day. It was during this time when I became inspired to write the horoscope. So instead of working on my book project first, I jumped right into my BS, as you might have gathered it is good to strike when the iron is hot. So when I got done I still had to write 2,000 words about my trip to Japan in 2005. It was not too bad, but by the time I was finished I was pretty tired. Unfortunately as 21st century writer, I had to check up on my Facebook and Twitter accounts. Facebook was fine but a problem arose on Twitter. A young woman from Kansas was pitching a fit because I forgot her sign. I was at first apologetic because I thought I must have forgot, then I checked my blog.
The interesting thing about all technology is that it is flawed. The flaw with this program is that for some reason it does not like copy and paste very much. I have had problem taking files from other programs before, and such was the case here. The entire last 1/3 of the piece was represented by an empty screen, at least on the main page. So here I was at 11:30 at night and I needed to figure this out so some woman from Kansas would leave me alone.
At first I tried to get the copy and paste function to work. After 7 tries I realized it was to no avail. Then I rewrote the last section. When I pasted it in I thought it was fine. Unlike the first time, this time I previewed the page before uploading. I was infuriated to find that though the piece was intact, there was a large blank space in the middle of the blog. So I went back into the edit function, only to discover that I had copied and pasted the old part 5 or 6 times, so I had to erase it. Finally I was finished. I published the piece and posted it on Twitter for my Jayhawk friend. Then I finally laid down in bed. Of course by this time I needed to relax so I read for an hour and at one am, I turned out the light. And that is how BS is made. Love BS
PS-I also try to spell check, but I am always trying to find ways to "explain away" bad grammar and spelling.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Advice, advice, advice
As you might have guessed this BS report is actually more of an advice column. Sorry if you expected otherwise, but I have a lot of people asking me what they should do in life and I feel it would be unfair to hide my pearls of wisdom like some sort of forbidden fruit rollup. So here you go:
Dear Buzzsaw, Man, I just want to tell you that I have been a fan of yours since the early days on KCWU! Man I used to love listening to "Patrick Friendly" and "Ledocious D" "Lil Pickl" and the rest of the gang! And that time you had the contest to see who got to bring you coffee! Hilarious! But to get on topic I have a major problem. I work at Valley Honda in Ranch Cucamungo CA and my boss Janet Phinney is having an affair with my co-worker Ben Fields. they are both married, and the problem is that I am a personal friend with Ben's wife Sarah Fields. In fact she got me the job! Another hitch is that I sometimes go geo caching with Janet's husband Neil Phinney! I feel like I am in a pickle! Should I tell someone that Ben Fields and Janet Phinney are having an affair or should I keep my mouth shut? Please, Buzzsaw, your my only hope.
Sincerely Donald Fink, Rancho Cucamungo, CA
Dear Donald Fink, thanks for remembering the old days! It means a lot to hear that someone is paying attention to my work. Anyway, as far as your question. I am sure things are tough at Valley Honda in Rancho Cucamungo CA now that Janet Phinney and Ben Fields are engaged in an extra marital affair. what I advise you to do is wait. It might not be a good thing if you went to Sarah Fields or Neil Phinney and told them about it. It seems to me that maybe you could give it time to blow over. Maybe Janet Phinney and Ben Fields of Rancho Cucamungo CA are just involved in a fling. Also, do you have a hobby? Maybe you just need something to do. But seriously, I would just try to get my work done at Valley Honda in Rancho Cucamungo CA. The affair between your boss Janet Phinney and your co-worker Ben Fields will work itself out! Ta ta, Buzzsaw
Dear Buzzsaw, I am thinking about getting a lizard. Any ideas? Jessie in Houston
Dear Jessie let me tell you I love me some lizards. I suggest either the Leopard Gecko, the Red Ackie, or the Bearded Dragon. Any of these are great lizards for someone new to lizardry. In case you have further questions and I am unavailable there are many great online resources for this type of thing. I especially love www.bestpetlizard.com have fun with your new pal! Love always, Buzzsaw
Dear Buzzsaw, what is that smell? Sean
Dear Sean, I think it is the aroma fresh baked toasted coconut cookies and an apple wood fire. I also catch the rich loamy smell of hot ginger tea, does that help? See ya, Buzzsaw
That's all for tonight, have a good one, best regards, Ian "Buzzsaw" the short guy Barnes
Dear Buzzsaw, Man, I just want to tell you that I have been a fan of yours since the early days on KCWU! Man I used to love listening to "Patrick Friendly" and "Ledocious D" "Lil Pickl" and the rest of the gang! And that time you had the contest to see who got to bring you coffee! Hilarious! But to get on topic I have a major problem. I work at Valley Honda in Ranch Cucamungo CA and my boss Janet Phinney is having an affair with my co-worker Ben Fields. they are both married, and the problem is that I am a personal friend with Ben's wife Sarah Fields. In fact she got me the job! Another hitch is that I sometimes go geo caching with Janet's husband Neil Phinney! I feel like I am in a pickle! Should I tell someone that Ben Fields and Janet Phinney are having an affair or should I keep my mouth shut? Please, Buzzsaw, your my only hope.
Sincerely Donald Fink, Rancho Cucamungo, CA
Dear Donald Fink, thanks for remembering the old days! It means a lot to hear that someone is paying attention to my work. Anyway, as far as your question. I am sure things are tough at Valley Honda in Rancho Cucamungo CA now that Janet Phinney and Ben Fields are engaged in an extra marital affair. what I advise you to do is wait. It might not be a good thing if you went to Sarah Fields or Neil Phinney and told them about it. It seems to me that maybe you could give it time to blow over. Maybe Janet Phinney and Ben Fields of Rancho Cucamungo CA are just involved in a fling. Also, do you have a hobby? Maybe you just need something to do. But seriously, I would just try to get my work done at Valley Honda in Rancho Cucamungo CA. The affair between your boss Janet Phinney and your co-worker Ben Fields will work itself out! Ta ta, Buzzsaw
Dear Buzzsaw, I am thinking about getting a lizard. Any ideas? Jessie in Houston
Dear Jessie let me tell you I love me some lizards. I suggest either the Leopard Gecko, the Red Ackie, or the Bearded Dragon. Any of these are great lizards for someone new to lizardry. In case you have further questions and I am unavailable there are many great online resources for this type of thing. I especially love www.bestpetlizard.com have fun with your new pal! Love always, Buzzsaw
Dear Buzzsaw, what is that smell? Sean
Dear Sean, I think it is the aroma fresh baked toasted coconut cookies and an apple wood fire. I also catch the rich loamy smell of hot ginger tea, does that help? See ya, Buzzsaw
That's all for tonight, have a good one, best regards, Ian "Buzzsaw" the short guy Barnes
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Horoscope! From Buzzsaw!
I am now doing horoscope readings. That is how low I have sunk. Here your are my fine feathered reader:
Aquarius: Not to be confused with an aquarium, or for that matter a terrarium, you are very special indeed! Look out his week, it is highly likely that something or someone, is going to make you angry! Grrr! That is OK because if you make sound financial choices, you could make a lot of money! Watch out for heartbreak, it can getcha! You lucky numbers are 12,7,56,45,3,78,1,23 and 4.
Capricorn: Things are not always as they seem! What you think is right might be wrong! Your relatives might call this week. Make sure you do not let old disagreements gain new life! There is a beautiful someone out there waiting for you. Don't miss your chance! Take advantage of good opportunities when they arise!
Sagittarius: The holidays may be full of surprises! If you want someone to notice you, now is the time to act! You only live once. Barnum and Bailey's circus. Meaningful insight. Trust your instincts! Don't worry about naysayers! You have to learn to walk before you learn to crawl!
Scorpio: You might rush into things a bit fast at times! Watch out lest you upset the fruitbasket! if you are looking for opportunity it will find you! Keep your eyes on the prize! Member FDIC insured! Your love life may blossom if watered! See the man in the trenchcoat? He's naked underneath! Your lucky numbers are 12,7,56,45,3,78,1,23 and 4.
Libra: You might consider becoming a librarian. You have a sexy voice. It turns me on. I can't help trying to find out more about you via the internet! I am not joking. I just drove by your house for the third time in an hour! You are soooo hot! Anyway, I like to play foosball, ultimate frisbee and build computers from the ground up! By the way, I don't have a job or a car so my mom drove for me. It's cool though, I am 38.
Virgo: Your lucky numbers are 12,7,56,45,3,78,1,23 and 4. No matter what people say don't keep trying! The competition is only competing for first through fourth place. You are a cinch for 5th! Hey Jim, did you get my e-mail about the cruise next August? Yeah, it's gonna be great! I love Alaska! Those whales are HILARIOUS! Especially when they jump up and land on seals so they can crush their bones and eat them! Too cool! Alright, pizza for lunch? Right on bro! Your lucky numbers are 12,7,56,45,3,78,1,23 and 4.
Leo: It may be near impossible to put someone off till a later day, so you may need to start earlier and finish later than usual just to stay in front with your responsibilities. Focus on developing your multitasking skills.
Cancer: You can easily get emotionally hurt. If you are in constant contact with someone who rubs you up the wrong way, try to limit the time you spend with them. You work best when you are with people who are sensitive to your needs.
Gemini: You are a sweet person. Don't be soured by setbacks! A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. No matter what kind of bird or what kind of bush. Even a tiny, filthy pigeon in your hand is worth two hens in a blueberry bush. It is the wisdom of the ages! Don't worry about what you cannot change! Your love life is uncertain. Your lucky numbers are 12,7,56,45,3,78,1,23 and 4.
Taurus: Don’t worry too much about changes ahead. Guykwedcjafbf! It could be worse, have you heard about genocide? I think you and I both know a special someone who wants to give you a special something! Hee Hee! And by the way, you may or may not be a lesbian.
Aries: Even though your zodiac sign sounds like herpes, or testes, you still count! And you can count on experiencing changes in your career as well! Does your boss know you smoke pot? Well he is going to find out via your moron friends on Facebook! So much for social networking, soon that’s the closest thing to workin you will be doing at all! Your lucky numbers are 12,7,56,45,3,78,1,23 and 4.
Pices: For someone with your personality you should look for some challenges in the near future! Remember things are not always as they appear! What looks easy could be hard, and the opposite could also be true as well! I know you might be considering a Polar Bear plunge, but given the fact that you swim about as well as a George Foreman grill, please remain clothed and on shore! Watch out for perverts this week, and by that, I mean don’t get caught doing anything gross!
There, I am happy to help enlighten my good readers with the future, the future, the future! Nothing makes me more delighted than when I get to help out the "little people", which means you.
Best regards, Madame Buzzsaw
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