Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Horoscope! From Buzzsaw!

I am now doing horoscope readings. That is how low I have sunk. Here your are my fine feathered reader:

Aquarius: Not to be confused with an aquarium, or for that matter a terrarium, you are very special indeed! Look out his week, it is highly likely that something or someone, is going to make you angry! Grrr! That is OK because if you make sound financial choices, you could make a lot of money! Watch out for heartbreak, it can getcha! You lucky numbers are 12,7,56,45,3,78,1,23 and 4.

Capricorn: Things are not always as they seem! What you think is right might be wrong! Your relatives might call this week. Make sure you do not let old disagreements gain new life! There is a beautiful someone out there waiting for you. Don't miss your chance! Take advantage of good opportunities when they arise!

Sagittarius: The holidays may be full of surprises! If you want someone to notice you, now is the time to act! You only live once. Barnum and Bailey's circus. Meaningful insight. Trust your instincts! Don't worry about naysayers! You have to learn to walk before you learn to crawl!

Scorpio: You might rush into things a bit fast at times! Watch out lest you upset the fruitbasket! if you are looking for opportunity it will find you! Keep your eyes on the prize! Member FDIC insured! Your love life may blossom if watered! See the man in the trenchcoat? He's naked underneath! Your lucky numbers are 12,7,56,45,3,78,1,23 and 4.

Libra: You might consider becoming a librarian. You have a sexy voice. It turns me on. I can't help trying to find out more about you via the internet! I am not joking. I just drove by your house for the third time in an hour! You are soooo hot! Anyway, I like to play foosball, ultimate frisbee and build computers from the ground up! By the way, I don't have a job or a car so my mom drove for me. It's cool though, I am 38.

 Virgo: Your lucky numbers are 12,7,56,45,3,78,1,23 and 4. No matter what people say don't keep trying! The competition is only competing for first through fourth place. You are a cinch for 5th! Hey Jim, did you get my e-mail about the cruise next August? Yeah, it's gonna be great! I love Alaska! Those whales are HILARIOUS! Especially when they jump up and land on seals so they can crush their bones and eat them! Too cool! Alright, pizza for lunch? Right on bro! Your lucky numbers are 12,7,56,45,3,78,1,23 and 4.

Leo: It may be near impossible to put someone off till a later day, so you may need to start earlier and finish later than usual just to stay in front with your responsibilities. Focus on developing your multitasking skills.

Cancer: You can easily get emotionally hurt. If you are in constant contact with someone who rubs you up the wrong way, try to limit the time you spend with them. You work best when you are with people who are sensitive to your needs.

Gemini: You are a sweet person. Don't be soured by setbacks! A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. No matter what kind of bird or what kind of bush. Even a tiny, filthy pigeon in your hand is worth two hens in a blueberry bush. It is the wisdom of the ages! Don't worry about what you cannot change! Your love life is uncertain. Your lucky numbers are 12,7,56,45,3,78,1,23 and 4.

Taurus: Don’t worry too much about changes ahead. Guykwedcjafbf! It could be worse, have you heard about genocide? I think you and I both know a special someone who wants to give you a special something! Hee Hee! And by the way, you may or may not be a lesbian.

Aries: Even though your zodiac sign sounds like herpes, or testes, you still count! And you can count on experiencing changes in your career as well! Does your boss know you smoke pot? Well he is going to find out via your moron friends on Facebook! So much for social networking, soon that’s the closest thing to workin you will be doing at all! Your lucky numbers are 12,7,56,45,3,78,1,23 and 4.

Pices: For someone with your personality you should look for some challenges in the near future! Remember things are not always as they appear! What looks easy could be hard, and the opposite could also be true as well! I know you might be considering a Polar Bear plunge, but given the fact that you swim about as well as a George Foreman grill, please remain clothed and on shore! Watch out for perverts this week, and by that, I mean don’t get caught doing anything gross!

There, I am happy to help enlighten my good readers with the future, the future, the future! Nothing makes me more delighted than when I get to help out the "little people", which means you.
Best regards, Madame Buzzsaw


  1. Wait, I'm a Scorpio and that man in the trench coat ran away when I tried to snap a picture with my iPod Touch. What gives? You said I would find my opportunity and there he was in all of his glory but you didn't tell me that he could qualify for the olympics and win a gold medal for world's fastest naked man. What should I do?

  2. madame Buzzsaw, I am a Taurean who does not leave the house before consulting the stars. Your insight is uncanny, would you like to be my personal astrologer?