Mom Is The Bomb! The Buzzsaw Mommy Blog!

For many of my readers it may come as quite a shock that I decided to turn The Buzzsaw Report into a mommy blog, but I have my reasons and shame on you for questioning me! Tsk tsk! Actually, full disclosure, the main reason I decided to do it was because Mommy blogs are really popular with female readers. Actually that is the only reason. Anyway, let me tell you about my latest creation!

One of the many aspects of mommy blogging is arts and crafts. So I have been working like a madman (woman) on all kinds of themed macrame! Here are just a few examples!

This one almost ended in CATastrophe!

I sold the whole KITTEN caboodle on my Etsy site!

I copied this one from a CATalog!

Not like I get to do that stuff all the time, what with looking after my twins, Kadyn and Adyn! Of course Onyx, my eldest is very independent at 15, in fact I just took her in to Mr Nasty's Tatoo Emporium and she got a rocking little tramp stamp! It is super sexy and I happily signed the parental consent. Of course since I have been prescribed Xanax for my anxiety disorder I have really started to go with the flow! For the most part my parental philosophy has been to simply let kids be kids! That's why I wasn't super worried when Kadyn got suspended from 7th grade for throwing clay at a teachers window! From what he says she is a major bitch and had it coming! In my opinion, she actually got lucky! Kadyn is a cunning little fucker, so if he really wanted to he could probably destroy you computer wise! See, I bought all my kids all the latest stuff at a young age and now they are hella computer literate! Actually Onyx has been getting a lot of dates through Zoosk and Plenty Of Fish, which is super good for her! She is super into older men, so the online dating thing is WAY better! Actually she just walked in to my study and said she is going to a musical WITH A DOCTOR!!!! SQUUEEEEEEEE!!!! He's a TOTAL hardbody! Anyway, one of these days we will have to go on a double date, but I would hate to cramp her style! OK, enough about the kids! Back to me! This week I have a mani/pedi and a meeting with my probation officer! He's super hot too actually, so maybe I will see if he wants to go out with Onyx and I if that scrumptious doctor asks her out a second time! OK, now I am really done and it's time for reader questions!!!!!

Dear Mr Mom, my 23 year old son has just told me that he loves Twilight and wants to be a vampire, what should I do? Lori in Pennsyltucky

Dear Lori, that is so cute! Your young one just might be the smartest boy around! You see The Twilight Saga is very very popular with the female crowd! He has just landed himself a great conversation starter with women of all ages! AND I MEAN ALL! Anyway, my suggestion is that he get some fang marks tatted on his neck so he can really play up the vampire bit! He is looking to be slammed with all kinds of trim in no time! So you tell your lil' Nesferatu to keep his head up and his pockets full of rubbers! I see a bright (just kidding, *sunlight* LOL) future for this young man! Watch out ladies, Cullen coming through!
Love, Mr Mommy

Dear Mr Mommy, My fifteen year old just told me that he hates his name and wants to change it! What should I do? Judy, in Carolina

Dear Judy, first of all, tell him hell yes! But of course there are limits! Under no circumstances should you allow him to change it to Penis Smith or Constipation Williams. Those two names are terrible and strictly OFF LIMITS! lol/JK! He should actually feel free as a bird when changing his name (which of course you should let him do), so tell him to write all his ideas on pieces of paper and put them in a hat. The only rule is that you are the one who gets to pick. This will secure your status of matron! HAHAHA! Gotcha again! If it were me I would just get everybody drunk, let my kid choose his name, then take a cab to the courthouse and get 'er done! LOL! You are super funny Judy! Who even asks a question like this? A nerd? Anyway, I hear the Pizza delivery guy, so since the boys are playing video games and Onyx is out, I think I may invite him in so I can "inspect his peperoni"!! LOL! Gotta go! Mr Mommy

Demon Baby in a board!

The truth behind reality tv!

What I do to entertain myself at my shitty job!

In my current position as a slave in a sheet metal shop, I have ample opportunity to spend hours doing repetitive work. Often in the course of my day co-workers will ask me if I am bored yet. Nope! After spending 6 months on a hellish bok choi farm in South Australia (17 hour days, 7 days a week for months, all while being screamed at for minor infractions) I can take a trip in my mind damn near anywhere. So while I am bending several thousand pipe clamps, or spot welding 500 electrical boxes, I just get comfortable and let my mind rip. Often it goes directly to butts and boobs, do not pass go. This of course is great, yet there are certain times where it is not OK to walk around with a raging hard on, and work is one of those, so there are other things I do. Lately I have been imagining the most boring guy in the shop transforming into a wild ass pimp in his off time. During breaks I have been sharing our exploits with the rest of the workers.

First off, the man is named Tolly. Tolly. Have you ever heard of this name? I keep wanting to ask him what it is short for (Toliver? Toll? Tollian?). Secondly, though he has a short pony tale,  the guy is far from wild. In fact he sort of seems like he is dosed up on sedatives all damn day. I have honestly never seen him do anything fast at all. Perhaps that is why I like to imagine him turning into a complete maniac at night.

He looks slightly more entertaining than this guy, but trust me, he is not.

One thing I like to do is take exploits of say John Bonham and accredit Tolly with executing them. So far I have told my coworkers that Tolly and I did tons of coke and at the hotel party Tolly took a shit in one of the strippers shoes. Next chance I get I will let them know that he drove a Cadillac into the hotel pool. Another story is one I heard from a friend of a person who knew a person who worked on a movie with Sylvester Stalone. Allegedly, this person was walking past Stalone's trailer and heard him say: "Cuddle the balls. Cuddle the balls!"

 Of course I have my own inventions too. In my mind Tolly only wears pin striped suits and uses a cane. He is also quite fond of referring to his genitalia as "giblets"! I am wholly unsure where I came up with that term, but I like it for Tolly. So far the image I have created of him has been a misogynist yet as I write this I think I may turn him into a better person. perhaps beating a dudes ass who was being rude to his own woman. Of course the story would end with me and Tolly doing an 8 ball of coke off of her and several other womens asses, but that is why we are so bad ass me and Tolly. In fact, you may no know, but last Friday we decided to go to Atlantic City. Tolly and I. Of course our purposes were lecherous.

As you may know, I am a celebrity look-alike. What you may not know, is that Tolly is an expert card counter. So without any actual credentials, we managed to bluff our way in to the high stakes poker game! It was insane! I acted as the rube, while Tolly cleaned house. At the end of the night Tolly and I left with a $85,000 a Russian model, and the wife of one of the guys at the table. It was a hell of a night. We also hung out Saturday, during which time we stole a tiger from the Brooklyn Zoo which we brought back to Tolly's. Anyway, that is what I do during the work day. I find myself laughing a lot. 

Powder horn rd

The life and times of Lewis "Sharky" Buttz

Craigslist Quickie: ARE YOU CHRISTIAN AND SEXY????

As I am extremely busy, what with wanting to go swimming and having recently written an e-mail, what little I give you today will have to suffice. But I think the gem I found on Craigslist Harrisburg's Strictly Platonic should tickle your funny bone/and or, I want a creepy new boyfriend from Florida bone...Without further ado:

Are you christian and sexy? - m4w (South Florida)

Hello to all the beautiful ladies in Pennsylvania.

+=+= PLEASE READ BEFORE REPLYING =+=+

I will be moving to PA from FL some time in July or August. I know it will be lonely when I get there, so it would be nice

to find a few nice christian ladies for friendship. Since friends make the best lovers, I want to focus on our friendship first.

I love hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc., and I BELIEVE IN ONE RELATIONSHIP AT A TIME.

I'm a christian man with great family values looking for a christian woman with great family values as well.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT WHERE YOU'RE FROM OR YOUR ETHNIC BACKGROUND. I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR AGE EITHER AS LONG AS YOU'RE 21 OR MORE.

PLEASE DON'T WRITE ME ASKING TO SEND PICTURES. I WOULD PREFER THIS TO BE A SURPRISE FOR BOTH OF US IF WE DECIDE TO MEET.

BESIDES, THERE ARE TOO MANY SCAMS GOING ON HERE WHERE PEOPLE ARE COLLECTING NAMES, AGE, PICTURES, ETC.

IF YOU'RE NOT OKAY WITH THIS, THEN YOU DON'T NEED TO WRITE.

I look forward to being with one of you sexy ladies. Email me so we can get our friendship started.

Take care of yourself, and may God bless you.

+=+= THANKS FOR READING MY AD =+=+ 

For fun, why don't we play the game where you post comments about this for me to read. I'm going swimming!!!!!!