Craigslist Quickie: ARE YOU CHRISTIAN AND SEXY????

As I am extremely busy, what with wanting to go swimming and having recently written an e-mail, what little I give you today will have to suffice. But I think the gem I found on Craigslist Harrisburg's Strictly Platonic should tickle your funny bone/and or, I want a creepy new boyfriend from Florida bone...Without further ado:

Are you christian and sexy? - m4w (South Florida)

Hello to all the beautiful ladies in Pennsylvania.

+=+= PLEASE READ BEFORE REPLYING =+=+

I will be moving to PA from FL some time in July or August. I know it will be lonely when I get there, so it would be nice

to find a few nice christian ladies for friendship. Since friends make the best lovers, I want to focus on our friendship first.

I love hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc., and I BELIEVE IN ONE RELATIONSHIP AT A TIME.

I'm a christian man with great family values looking for a christian woman with great family values as well.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT WHERE YOU'RE FROM OR YOUR ETHNIC BACKGROUND. I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR AGE EITHER AS LONG AS YOU'RE 21 OR MORE.

PLEASE DON'T WRITE ME ASKING TO SEND PICTURES. I WOULD PREFER THIS TO BE A SURPRISE FOR BOTH OF US IF WE DECIDE TO MEET.

BESIDES, THERE ARE TOO MANY SCAMS GOING ON HERE WHERE PEOPLE ARE COLLECTING NAMES, AGE, PICTURES, ETC.

IF YOU'RE NOT OKAY WITH THIS, THEN YOU DON'T NEED TO WRITE.

I look forward to being with one of you sexy ladies. Email me so we can get our friendship started.

Take care of yourself, and may God bless you.

+=+= THANKS FOR READING MY AD =+=+ 

For fun, why don't we play the game where you post comments about this for me to read. I'm going swimming!!!!!!

SAG Blocks Pattinson from accepting role as firefighter!

It was widely reported that actor Robert Pattinson was involved in talks with the producers for the upcoming remake of Towering Inferno last week. It all came to a halt today as the Screen Actors Guild stepped in between the hunk and the production company, virtually begging them to abandon the collaboration. In a private meeting with the actor, SAG president Ken Howard personally asked Pattinson to give up the role. Our sources stated that when faced with the gravity of the situation the British actor agreed to do so saying “It just makes sense.” It seems that all parties came to agree about one thing. Robert Pattinson in a fire fighters uniform is something so sexy that the world isn’t ready for it!

“Do you REALLY think that anyone is going to stand in line for an Adam Sandler rom-com when we have Robert Pattinson running around in uniform?” Howard said at a press conference early this afternoon. “We have always known that women love a man in uniform. And when that man is R-Pattz, all the other movies released that month are going to flop! That’s why we asked him to decline the role.”

According to an SAG press release this is not the first time a lead actor has been asked to decline a role. In a similar case George Clooney was asked to turn down a role as Don Juan and it is widely reported that Megan Fox has agreed never to wear a nurse’s uniform in an SAG production. Interestingly, Russel Crowe and Ridley Scott were not reprimanded for producing Robin Hood, even though it’s viewers suffered an alarmingly high in theater suicide rate!

We lucky enough to speak with Pattinson and Clooney about the topic and both were refreshingly candid about the whole thing. “I guess you could say it wasn’t unexpected” Pattinson said while combing his fingers through his trade mark locks. “If you have seen my fans they are absolutely mad! I can imagine that if the movie had been made, every firefighter in the country would have loads of women lining up!” Of course we had a laugh about it, but the reality of it is that if the world got an epic movie starring Robert Pattinson as a fire fighter, absolutely nothing would get done.

“Who wants to go see another Pixar movie about farm animals when you have that going on?” George Clooney is waving a preproduction mock up of Rob in uniform at my nose. “I showed this to my 90 year old aunt and she was acting like a 12 year old.” Shaking his head he went on.  “In fact” Clooney said “Putting Rob Pattinson in a firefighters uniform is damn near equal to setting off a nuke. The man is sexy. AND I KNOW SEXY!” Coming from the 12 time world’s sexiest man this is a strong statement indeed!

According to the SAG release, the projected losses suffered by other productions would be around 3 billion dollars if this movie is made. “We just hated to do it, but it was the only choice.” Howard told us. “I know how good it would have been. That is my burden. It’s what makes my job so damn difficult. I know how good it would have been.” So do we. So do we.

Personally I hope that we still have a chance to see Robert Pattinson don the uniform, but I am afraid it will not be for a long while. The world is just not ready. Until that day comes we will have to be satisfied with what we have. But we can always hope!

Photo: Courtesy of Amanda Johnson, 2011

The questions keep coming!

Dear Mr Barnes, We have become aware that you are using the term “Twidentified.” In doing so you are compromising the integrity of our firm and our products. As the producers of the Twilight saga we feel that it is vital to ask you to cease and desist from use of this word. Though we do not own this word itself we own the prefix “twi” and all words containing this prefix.  We want you to realize how serious we are so the following are an actual list of other groups and organizations we have filed similar actions against: Twimoms of Kentucky (multi million dollar settlement in our favor), twilovers of Asia (cease and desist as well as flogging of founders Yee Lin and Sue Young), and the MidWest Twi-teens Special Olympics fundraising club (multi-million dollar settlement and published letter of apology). In short we mean business and do not intend to let your little song and dance routine go unpunished. If you intend to continue in your impudent ways, rest assured you will have lawyers all over you like Asians at Disneyland. If you know what is good for you get out before we kill you.

Best regards, Al Goldstein VP Summit Entertainment CO

Dear Al, I have deleted my facebook account and taken my website offline, what else do I need to do? Best Regards, Buzzsaw

Darling Buzzard, I really like this nickname, do you mind if I use it? I found you via the internet and I am very glad I did. You see I am a wealthy woman and I am interested in collaborating with you. In particular I would like to make a mask with your face on it. You might be aware that there is nowhere to buy an “Edward” mask and if we make one of your face it will be the next best thing. I am sure it would not sell much in the US but since Asians love Twilight I think that we could do well in that market. It turns out that Asian men even like to read Twilight! Perhaps that is because of the language barrier. Anyway, hey, let’s make a mask with your face. Also I want you to copyright your face as well. It would be very good business. Ta ta, Silvia

Dear Silvia, that is really weird. If you have the money I’ve got the time. At the same time, I am having trouble understanding how I would copyright my face, but if it makes sense to you it makes sense to me. Also if you have this much money why don’t you go to www.edwardsinforks.smugmug.com and buy some pictures, I could really use the money! Love always Buzzard

Hi. I am in love with you. And not because of your looks. That does come into play though. Actually I am in love with you because of your role in the Twilight Saga. Signed Dee Dee in Fiji

Dear Dee Dee, thanks, did you like my work? I really appreciate it. If you want to give me a call, I will e-mail you my number. Call  me anytime, seriously. Ian Barnes

Dearest Blizzard, did you know that you are soo much sexy man? I attraction everyday with man like this! So much sexxxy is good! You know I from Lebenon! Many girl love you face works, looks so nice/good. Please love me to be you girlfriend? I hope so. If no Maybe suicide. JK Hahahahahaha! Lovely, Marika

Dear Marika, please seek professional help. Best Regards, Blizzard

Dear Buzzsaw, hard hitting questions, answers that count!

Dear Buzzsaw I have recently become interested in hypnotism, I also like creating characters for World of Warcraft. Do you have any interesting hobbies? Toni in Duluth

Dear Toni, I am happy to hear that you are contributing to society. I have a lot of experience with hypnotism, since I grew up next door to Madame Larina, the best hypnotist in Bellevue WA. During the years I lived next to her I saw many examples of hypnotism, from the cat who thought he was Edgar Allan Poe, to the fat man who thought he was Marylin Monroe (Norma Jean really). As far as WOW, I am a level 6 warrior with a level 7 spells certification. My hobbies include dancing (hip hop and swing), scrapbooking, and luge. I don’t get to luge much because it is not cold enough here, I am sure you know how that goes. Thanks for your question, I am currently in the bathtub. Love Buzzsaw

Hey Buzzsaw, with all these girls after you, do you find it hard to relax? If yes, what do you do to relax? Sean from London

Hi there Sean. Actually it may seem like a lot of girls are after me, but really they mostly just watch me and don’t actually talk to me. Believe it or not I won tickets to a concert a month ago and I had to go alone because I could not find anyone to go with! That said I do find it hard to relax. I have gone paranoid of being out in public because I keep getting Twidentified and I never know when it will happen! In order to relax I like to play Jenga. I also have a very large estate on Farmville. So if you get the chance to send me some corn or hay, I would love it! By the way, I have been meaning to ask you if your brother Dean is still planning on climbing Mt Everest? Sincerely Buzz

Hey Mr, my dad said that you were unemployable, which is why you don’t have a job. Have you ever considered working at Outback Steakhouse? Love Sara

Dear Sara, your father sounds like a nice guy! Tell him that I have grown accustomed to the hoboe lifestyle and due to my minuscule expense account I have been able to hang around without working. So in short, yes, I am not accustomed to working, I will have to ramp up slowly if I get a job because I don’t want to get hurt. As far as the Outback, no. It sounds awful.  Love Buzz

Hi there, you might not know me, that is because I stalk you on the internet and I am too scared to say anything to you. You know, I think I am in love with you. If I had the chance to meet you, you would get groped for sure. How does that make you feel. By the way, I am a married woman. Sexy Cindy from Syracuse

Hello Sexy Cindy. I must say I am flattered by your interest in me. In fact I am so flattered that I have installed an alarm and a motion detector light on my house. I am sure you are aware of the fact that I do not have a house, it is really a bungalow. If I told you where it was I would be crazy, so I will just say this, it is really dirty. And cold. Anyway, I have to say that you are creeping me out. In a good way. However the fact that you admit to being married is not something that makes me excited to meet you. I have yet to be shot by a jealous lover, and with all the people in this world I should hope I could meet a crazy single girl just as easily as meeting a crazy married woman. So I would greatly appreciate it if you stayed the hell away from me at least as long as you are married. Bye, Ian

Dear Buzzsaw, what do think about globalization? Scott

Dear Scott, this is a difficult question. You see I am not quite sure what globalization is. It is in a long list of things such as the Federal Reserve which I am not able to figure out. I have been too busy trying to be funny to actually contribute to society in a way that will actually help anyone. You might say I am sort of a kook. Anyway, if you do figure it out would you please let me know? I hate not knowing answers to readers questions. Yours eternally, Buzzsaw

Hey, my name is Liz. I am very attracted to you. I have to say that I am not like the others. I like you because your nickname is Dick. Or one of them. The reason I like this is because I am a huge pervert and “Dick” is a slang term for “penis”, so that is why I like you. Do you have one of those? Sorry for all the questions. But I am devoted to finding out the answer to this question. I love you, Dick. And yes I know that your main nickname is Buzzsaw, but you also have the nickname Dick, which no one really uses, but I noticed right away. Also I have read all your blogs. I don’t really like them I just like your nickname. Love you. Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Hi Liz. I appreciate that you have noticed the D-Patz (Dick Pattinson) nickname. I find it unique that you like me for this reason. You did not tell me where you lived, but if you are ever in Seattle we will have to get together for coffee. Sincerely D-Patz PS-You are a kick! Seriously!

Hi Buzzsaw, do you remember me? I saw you in Forks but I never talked to you because you looked like Robert Pattinson. I am in love with him. It is because of this that I am trying to find him. I think that if he meets me I will probably be able to win his heart. In know that at the age of 48 I am a little older than he is, but what I can offer him is experience. You see that older women have experience as lovers, so we have a lot to bring to the table. Anyway, if you meet him will you slip one of the pills I mailed you into his drink. Of course I will take it from there, and thank you. Sincerely Dena the huntress

Hi Dena. You have a very interesting story! I would love to help you with your project. Anyway, do you still have the same phone number that you mailed me? I might have some questions for you in the future. Love Buzzsaw PS-I took one of those pills, it was the best nights sleep I have ever had!

Dear Buzzsaw, I am currently writing a story that recreates Twilight using plankton and cellular biology as characters instead of people! I bet you will really like it! Sincerely, FanficforeverMichelleCullen

Dear Fanfic, it sounds really cool! Let me know when you finish! What a sweet concept. I have always been searching for a way to marry my interest in science with that of pop culture vampire romance, it sounds like you did it! You go girl! Love Buzzard

Dear Sir. I am sure you are aware that you owe us money for the cosmetic surgery that you received from our clinic in December 2008. If you do not pay us, we will be forced to expose you as a fraud. I am sure your fans would be very interested to find out that you are actually a black woman obsessed with Robert Pattinson. We have seen that you are gaining an impressive following online, please do not force us to publish before and after picture (as well as tell people that your real name is Chantelle Tyson), so please send us the balance of $45,978 and we will let you continue in your delusion. Dr Peter Facinelli, Seattle Cosmetic Surgery Clinic, Seattle WA

Dear Dr, I sent you a check last week. You did not get it? Please call me and I will be sure to get this little snafoo straightened out. Chantelle